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Backed into a corner by niceness?

Around a year ago, I stopped communicating with part of my family. Since then, one member has persisted to try to maintain a relationship, but is doing so in a very boundary-pushing way. I feel caught between being a jerk or having boundaries trampled on! Help me boundary-setting mefi! [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 11, 2014 - 21 answers

What happens when Mom breaks the rules?

My sister smokes pot recreationally. She has young kids who know about it and are really bothered by it. Where does a concerned aunt step in? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 8, 2014 - 40 answers

Disclosure vs. anxiety

I'm nearing the end of police academy for the largest police department in my area. An officer in a suburban department of my area was just murdered on a traffic stop. My fiance doesn't really follow local news and is unaware of the murder. Should I talk with him about it? Or should I continue to let it slide by unremarked unless he hears about it? What about the rest of my immediate family? If you were my family member would you want me to talk about this with you, or would it make you worried? Is it relevant that a LOT of the cops in my department have been in shootings or other critical incidents during their careers? I would honestly estimate that at least half the cops I've talked to have been involved in a shooting, keeping in mind that the cops doing training at the academy all tend to have 10, 15, or more years on. Is it relevant that my fiance has some general problems with anxiety? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Aug 1, 2014 - 14 answers

Should I change my job and my country of residence?

I am facing a huge question that I don't know how to navigate and don't feel like I can talk to anyone about. The short story is that I have a precarious-feeling academic job in the Midwestern U.S. and applied for a job in an English-speaking country in the Southern Hemisphere. Today, I found out that I am on the short list for the job. And now I'm just not sure what to do. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Aug 1, 2014 - 16 answers

Family drama about to come to a head. Help me head it off

I stopped speaking to a family member due to a unhealthy dynamic that had been going on for years now. We're both invited to a family event we both want to attend. What do I do? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jul 31, 2014 - 20 answers

Family causes anxiety and I can't visit them.

My family causes me a lot of anxiety, to the point that staying away from them is a key part of keeping my sanity. They don't understand why I don't visit and won't discuss with me. How do I deal with the residual guilt? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jul 21, 2014 - 19 answers

Need some of that quiet confidence.

I've been dating a great person for about 4 months. She's really outgoing, charming, attractive, and funny, and people just love her. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 28, 2014 - 20 answers

How do you deal with family-in-law that's in a cult?

Short version: my fiancé's family is involved in a cult. He left the cult while in college, but they don't know. Most people don't know, except me and a few other friends. He hasn't told his family that he left, and he says he never will. My question is, what do we do when/if they want us to be more involved in their lives, without either getting involved in the cult or letting it slip that we're not part of it? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 15, 2014 - 43 answers

Web developer salaries: help me distinguish hyperbole from reality

I'm considering a career change into web development and I'm hoping AskMe can help me sort through the abundance of relevant information and get a sense of what reasonable expectations might be. To put it succinctly, I'd like to make about $75-80k a year so that I can support my parents while still being able to save money for my own future. Is it probable for a self-taught developer to earn a salary in this range? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 12, 2014 - 9 answers

Taking on more hours with a baby on the way

I've been offered a job I'd like, but the hours are longer and there's a commute, and we're expecting a baby. Would I be crazy to take it? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jun 1, 2014 - 25 answers

My brother seems to have some sort of deep seated issue with me.

My brother (four years younger than me, we are both in our 30s and single, I am a woman) and I have had a back and forth relationship - it was normal brother/sister stuff - fighting and whatnot but nothing crazy - until I went to college, when we were super close. Then when I graduated college, he started and dropped out and went to community college and finally graduated after 7 years, and is actually doing really well as a banker, though he's between jobs now. Our relationship deteriorated rapidly after I graduated college though, because he had a big issue with drinking and was living with our parents and using them, I thought. That was a long time ago, and I've tried really hard to see where he's coming from and I thought our relationship had improved, but now new issues have come up... (wall of text inside) [more inside]
posted by anonymous on May 31, 2014 - 35 answers

Misophonia with brother-in-law

My sister has a very nice husband who is a loud and emphatic chewer, who smacks his lips and says "mmmmm" upon putting anything in his mouth ever, and who always seems to be eating or drinking something he wants to share the experience of (I recognize this is not actually true, but it feels true). I have mild misophonia that centers around chewing sounds, and kind of want to throttle him or myself when this happens. I love my sister and her kid and even this guy when he's not having these table manners, but I find it really unpleasant to be around him during those times and it's very hard for me to actually enjoy a meal when we're eating it together. What should I do? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on May 30, 2014 - 26 answers

Do I reach out to someone I've hurt but doesn't want contact from me?

Would it be upsetting to have someone who wronged you--really, really, really wronged you--to contact you out of the blue to apologize? Over a decade ago I was a stupid, histrionic, selfish, needy and endless pit of WANT and ME-ME-ME kind of a person. I alienated everyone I knew and ended up moving away from my hometown. It took me a long time but I grew up and I realize how terrible I was then. Now I want to apologize to some people I wronged. Is it out of line for me to send a letter when I was asked to make no further contact over a decade ago? I don't deserve or desire a reconciliation but I do want to apologize and thank them for putting up with me--instead of just being a destructive person, I'm sure I would have ended up a dead person had it not been for them. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on May 29, 2014 - 56 answers

What to do when a family member is offensive, but you love them, anyway?

A beloved family member was unexpectedly (and likely unintentionally) racist. We called her out on it. She didn't react well. What to do next? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on May 20, 2014 - 42 answers

Found my grandfather's birth family. Now what?

In the process of helping post my late grandfather's digitized papers online, I found his adoption paperwork (he made no secret of being adopted, but didn't talk about it much). It gave enough information that I was able to find that my grandfather had a brother, who apparently is still alive. I'm not sure what to do next; it's good to know there's more family out there (my father has few living relatives), but I'm not sure how happy others in my family will be with the reality, and the same may go for my grandfather's newly-discovered relatives. Advice would be helpful; details below. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on May 20, 2014 - 7 answers

Love him, leave him?

Please help me sort out my long-term thinking about my very good but maybe not perfect relationship? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on May 15, 2014 - 23 answers

how do i stop my parents dictating my life?

How do I keep my parents from being quite so upset, angry and unreasonable, while retaining control over my wedding, marriage and life? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Apr 16, 2014 - 22 answers

HR person at my company asked if I intend to have kids. What to do?

I was waiting with HR person and my manager for a meeting room to come free for a meeting about a project I want to start at work. HR manager casually asked about my upcoming wedding (I'm engaged and getting married soon), then asked if we'll have kids soon. How do I handle this? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Apr 8, 2014 - 48 answers

non-traditional parenting for dummies

What resources exist for non-romantic adult friends thinking about having a kid? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Apr 1, 2014 - 16 answers

He ain't heavy...

How do I deal with an immediate family member with substance abuse problems at my upcoming wedding? When do I put my foot down? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Mar 21, 2014 - 38 answers

Keeping relationship with my dad, minus one of his kids?

I think my half-sister has some sort of personality disorder, and I want to limit her involvement in my life going forward. But I still want to have a relationship with our mutual father... [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Mar 11, 2014 - 11 answers

How to find independance with a visual deficit?

I have low vision and I cannot drive because of it. I feel imprisoned and this is a last ditch effort to see if there is some solution (or partial solution) to help me gain more independence. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Feb 24, 2014 - 17 answers

Considering move to Snohomish, WA. Difficulty level: mixed-race family.

My wife and I are considering moving to Snohomish (county), WA for work. She recently got a postgraduate degree in Library Science and is having trouble finding work where we currently live on the East coast (too many qualified people, too few jobs of the sort she's looking for). Pertinent details: I'm white, my wife is black, and we currently live and work in a very racially diverse urban area where couples like us are a common sight. We currently have no children but plan on starting a family in the next few years. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Feb 20, 2014 - 9 answers

How do I learn to live on my own?

I've never been close to either of my parents and was really only close to one set of grandparents. Well, the last of my grandparents died recently and I'm rapidly realizing just how alone I am. How do I come to terms with this? How do I proceed in having a happy and successful life in the knowledge that I'm really without a safety net? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Feb 17, 2014 - 8 answers

Living with a Family Mental Illness

My younger brother has been living with a schizophrenia-like mental illness for about a year. It's hard for me to interact with him. I'm looking for perspectives from those who've had loved ones with mental illnesses, and books or other resources that will help me better relate to him. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Feb 15, 2014 - 13 answers

GSOH is killing my love life.

My stepson revealed the greatest stressors in his life is my self-deprecating sense of humor. What can I say? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Feb 10, 2014 - 53 answers

Mother got a job in my workplace behind my back.

I have been working a steady job at a fairly close-knit company for about 3 years, and was recently promoted. My mother applied behind my back and got a job in the same company. We do not get along. Should I quit? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Feb 7, 2014 - 31 answers

How can I create a healthy relationship with my soon-to-be stepmother?

My dad is getting married to a woman with whom he's had a very tumultuous, difficult relationship. They are moving across the country together, and I'm scared. Lots more details inside. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Jan 5, 2014 - 25 answers

Can you drink every day and not be an alcoholic?

Where is the line between drinking-is-my-hobby and alcoholism? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Dec 27, 2013 - 44 answers

Abusive family seems to know where I live. What do I do?

My abusive mom that I cut off ties with (along with the rest of my abusive family) emailed me a few days ago and seems to know where I moved to. She said that she tells everyone back home where I moved to. She made it sound like she just guessed it, but I find it highly unlikely. If it wasn't just a guess, I don't know how they found out (since I haven't contacted them since arriving in my new city) or how much they know. Am I in danger? Should I move? What do I do? Please help. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Dec 23, 2013 - 41 answers

How to interact with an unfamiliar new resident in my parents home?

A lovely, college-aged young woman who has had a very rough year is coming to live with my parents, whom I visit several times a year, often for extended periods of time (I live 900 miles away, but I'm a student with long vacations). I think this is great. However, I feel a little at sea for how to interact with her, and to prepare for this change, especially given the giant elephant in the room: the horrible event that happened which has caused her to need a new home. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Dec 17, 2013 - 31 answers

Someone is intentionally attacking me & my family online.

Someone has created a site via Google Sites that is radically defaming myself and my family. We're not talking about a 12 year playing a prank. It's a systematic attack with the most egregious accusations one can imagine. They're parroting my personal business site and posting info that is not only libelous, but fantastically horrible. The junk they've posted about myself, my wife and our two small children is heartbreaking. We believe we know who it is (but have no proof) and have contacted the FBI on advice of a lawyer. They've told us they'll call us once they get jurisdiction figured out and the cybercrime guys take a look. The kind SAIC looked at the site and understood the problem but only got the ball in motion. That could take weeks/months for them to move on this and the site needs to come down, now. HOW? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Dec 17, 2013 - 19 answers

Me and You and That Guy

I can't stand my sister's boyfriend. He's coming for Christmas. They're inseparable. Now what? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Dec 14, 2013 - 47 answers

How to stop my father's rages (or at least their effect on me)?

Throughout my life, my father has had anger issues, typically directed at me. Although he isn't violent, he will become extremely (almost uncontrollably) angry whenever I do anything 'wrong'. Now that I'm an adult and no longer financially dependent on him, I want to stop this cycle. However, I'm having trouble figuring out how to do this. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Dec 11, 2013 - 63 answers

JobFilter: help me choose

Choice 1. Tech startup - smart people, legitimate prospects, lots of autonomy, good upside, exciting work. Choice 2. Young but growing company - #5 with a bullet in their industry, much lower risk, 15% higher pay, potentially boring work [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Dec 4, 2013 - 22 answers

Staying at Land of a Thousand Cleaning Products

My family spends most holidays at the home of a family member with untreated OCD. It’s already a huge challenge, and I’ve discovered it’s slightly worse than I’d thought. Will solve an immediate problem temporarily, but won’t see my therapist until after Thanksgiving. Please just help me to not go nuclear this week. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Nov 27, 2013 - 40 answers

What steps can I take to meet a family orientated partner?

I'm an early 30s male, I have spent the last few years living a very self-centered life, hopping around short term casual relationships. I recently had a change of priorities, and want to prioritise starting a family. The gist of the question is about compromise. What kind of traits should be prioritised in a partner? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Nov 18, 2013 - 37 answers

Alcoholism and the holidays

How do I navigate this family dysfunction around an alcoholic at Thanksgiving and Christmas? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Nov 13, 2013 - 18 answers

My fiancé dislikes my mother..,

My fiancé dislikes my mother. How big an issue will this be? What can I do to mitigate any future issues regarding this? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Oct 30, 2013 - 29 answers

miss manners: government shutdown edition

How can I, a government employee, tactfully field ribs about being furloughed? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Oct 10, 2013 - 38 answers

Is it my place to be the one telling people about what this guy did?

I came across a news article that revealed that someone I used to be acquainted with was convicted for production and distribution of child pornography. He toured the churches of his denomination with a music group for many years. As a former member of that faith, with friends and family members still active, and someone who was not directly effected by what he did, is it my place to be the one let people people know about this? If so, what is an appropriate way to do that? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Oct 9, 2013 - 18 answers

How to break big career change to the parents?

I want to get a PhD in clinical psychology and be a therapist (or maybe an MSW or other similar degree). I'm very well informed about this decision and have already learned a great deal about the field through personal study. Here's the catch: I don't know how to explain it to my parents. I scored very well on the LSAT, and my lawyer dad loves the idea of my being a lawyer. Plus, I've become interested in psychology through my personal therapy, which they know nothing about. Any advice on how to break it to them that I want a different career that seems to come out of left field? How do I explain WHY I want to be a therapist? I'm 27, they think I'm settled on becoming a lawyer, and they are entirely unaware that I have any interest in psychology. Help?!
posted by anonymous on Oct 6, 2013 - 15 answers

Cutting off abusive parents AFTER they have tried to make amends?

My parents were abusive for over a decade of my life, profoundly and in many ways permanently impacting my physical health and emotional and social well-being. Since that time, they have apologized, but I am still incredibly angry and hurt by the choices they made. Could cutting off contact help me move on? Mefites who have been in similar situations, please share your experiences and suggestions for healing. More details below. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 30, 2013 - 46 answers

Help me handle a tricky family situation.

My sister-in-law is doesn't hang out with my kids and my mother-in-law thinks it's my fault. How do I defuse the situation? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 29, 2013 - 31 answers

Wow, it's beautiful, please can I take it back?

For a sentimental family occasion, my inlaws got me a very sweet present of some expensive jewelry-- after being told very clearly that I don't like expensive jewelry and don't really wear it. How terrible would it be (politically, ethically, relationally) if I were to return the item in question to the store? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 24, 2013 - 60 answers

How to not let a mean family member (and people in general) get to me?

I have an extended family member that likes to poke fun at me - I consider the fun to be mean spirited, he doesn't. He doesn't let up, and it makes me dread family gatherings, because I know that I will get peppered with rude comments (about what I'm wearing, my sexuality, etc.). I have a hard time knowing what to say in response, and I find this to be the case when dealing with many people that I would consider to be "assholes". How to cope and not let myself get scared away from events by people like him? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 21, 2013 - 62 answers

Please stop making me take sides

How can I navigate the breakup of my close friend with my sister, which is still causing problems years later? I’m caught in the middle trying to be friends with both and it’s very frustrating! [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 20, 2013 - 44 answers

Looking for a simple divorce solution in PDX area

Paperwork makes me droolingly stupid. I have taken a stab at doing the divorce paperwork myself, but it always ends up crumpled up on the floor. The parenting plan business (required by Multnomah county) was the easy part. I am looking for someone who will handle the paperwork and filing and just get it done with. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Sep 16, 2013 - 3 answers

What to do if the “butt out, do nothing" is not the right answer?

What’s the best way to sensitively encourage someone with (potential) mental and financial difficulties to get help? Complex family situation – snowflake inside. [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Aug 28, 2013 - 7 answers

Han I explain social anxiety to my parents?

My significant other has social anxiety. I think my parents take it personally. How can I explain this is not about them? [more inside]
posted by anonymous on Aug 11, 2013 - 20 answers

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