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Grieving for my mom; looking for a DBT perspective; she was young

RobotHeart — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 06:07:38 -0800

I live in the Cleveland, Ohio area (live in upper far east side, work in lower far east side) and am looking for grief resources for any of the following: people with a DBT background who are grieving, people in their 20s who are grieving, people whose parents died young, "radical Catholics" or "glass-half-full agnostics" who are grieving, Italian-Americans who are grieving a fellow Italian, people who are grieving a loved one that died of a liver ailment. I am kind of an introvert, so while getting a feel for what groups are out there is good, I could also use websites, books, etc. re: same. Thanks. Further notes that may help you help me (and honestly maybe some of this is just talking about it, which they say helps):

My mom died a month ago today of autoimmune hepatitis. She was 52. She died at home, though she had been in and out of nursing homes and hospitals a lot. Though apparently she died from the liver failure itself, she had a lot of infections, as well as complications from the steroids she was taking to try and preserve her liver. She had a great deal of osteoporosis and neuralgia for the last year or so, and she'd had diabetes. So she was a far cry from the person I was used to interacting with even only a couple of years ago.

She had varying degrees of ammonia in her blood because her liver wasn't disposing of all the toxins, so one thing I am trying to sort out is whether she meant some things she said in the past year or so, or if that was the ammonia talking. That said, I know we both loved each other very much, and I think we both said what we needed to to each other with a clear head before she died.

She died in the house I am currently living in with my dad, where I've lived for 20 years except when I was off to college. I had put off moving out because of what was going on, and now I think I should move on and do that, but in a way that isn't too disruptive for my father. He and I both have plenty of relatives in the Cleveland area looking out for us. We'll see each other often, both alone and with our other family.

Though I took DBT group therapy when I was about 20, I do not fit the diagnostic criteria for BPD, and I feel worlds away from the person I was when I was 20. I have previously had depression, but I do not feel that my grief has moved beyond "normal" grief into anything else. In fact, when I went through a sort of denial period, I was worried that when I was eventually slammed with the reality of my mom's death, that it would be too big and I would need to move quickly and effectively to avoid crisis, but reality hit, I am not in crisis and now feel that as long as I am proactive and conscious of my grieving process, make time to cry and go through memories, that will not be a concern.

Her birthday is coming up in mid-September and I want to be ready, if that makes sense.

Fix my amygdala.

giraffe — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 09:39:08 -0800

Is dialectical behavioral therapy a good idea for me even though I'm not suicidal and I don't have BPD? Otherwise, will you help me figure out what therapy will work for me? Sorry about yet another "find a therapist for me" question. I've seen therapists before I haven't had good luck. I know the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist and a LCSW. I think need something other than talk therapy. Basically, to outline my two problems: 1. my amygdala is broken and I need to get control over my emotions/impluses and 2. I need to stop being a victim.

Okay, so, I have PTSD. I thought it went away, but I'm coming to the realization that my "fight or flight" response is just as strong as ever, but is now taking the form of extreme anger instead of panic attacks. Generally, if this anger becomes uncontrollable, I don't have enough time to count to ten or try mindfulness techniques. I don't really realize the depth of what's happened until after the damage is done. I've never hurt someone else (well, not physically), but half the time I say something that should get me punched, and the other half results in trying to hurt myself. For example, after a random guy in a taxi flipped me off for no reason, I walked home and smashed my head against a wood floor -- the bruise was there for a week. I didn't do it intentionally, it just kind of happened and I can't figure out why I did it. There was no thought process whatsoever between the trigger and the mile walk back to my apartment. Well, nothing that I remember. This is basically par for the course when I lose it.

I also had a recent realization that my father is an abusive asshole and my mother has a martyr complex (unfortunately I'm pretty much forced to be close to them at this point). This coincides with my third realization that I seem to have this giant neon sign over my head that says "PLEASE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME." I need to get the giant "kick me" sign off my back and I need to learn how to say "no" to people without bursting into tears and thinking I'm a horrible person. I don't want to blame my shit upbringing or PTSD for all my problems. I just want to fix them.

I have atypical depression, but I think it's well-controlled with medication. When nothing's bothering me, I'm pretty much the happiest I've ever been (and I don't have to sleep for 14 hours a day anymore, which is pretty fabulous). This is a huge reason why I'm not on sedatives or an SSRI or anything else that would get me to calm down.

So I'm trying to find some therapy that will actually do something for me. The only thing I know is that talk therapy doesn't work for me (or I'm incapable of finding a good therapist and I'm too spineless to say "this isn't working for me"), and I want to try something that has some sort of rigid structure that I can adhere to. Is DBT a good idea for me? Maybe CBT? Do I need to work on one thing at a time? Please don't tell me to check myself into a hospital; I've never done grievous harm to myself ever, and I am not suicidal. I'm certain that I'm not close to a Falling Down moment.

No TV, no beer make Homer something something...

sunshinesky — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 20:44:11 -0800

Borderline Personality Disorder: What's next? I just went through my first real, in depth, psychiatric assessment, and it looks like I have a diagnosis. I've never read about BPD, believing all this time that I was just depressed. I'm in the process of being referred for DBT, but I'd like suggestions on what to do in the meantime. It's going to be at least a couple weeks until I get into therapy, and I'm just starting new prescriptions of Wellbutrin and a low dose of Seroquel for my depression/anxiety.

What can I expect in the days, weeks, months and years to come? How can I help my boyfriend, and others around me, to cope? In the past you mefites haven't sounded so hopfeul, so share some more positive experiences, please! By all means, total horror shows will be just as helpful.

I feel like it's a big step just knowing what the hell it is that's been wrong with me all this time. I knew I wasn't 'just depressed'.

Anecdotes, resources, tips, anything!

data: 23, female, and I've had symptoms for upwards of 14 years. No, YANMD.

Affordable BPD treatment in NYC?

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:27:38 -0800

I need to find affordable or sliding-scale treatment for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder in New York City, ideally Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I'm currently in a relationship with someone likely suffering from BPD, and the effects this has on her behavior are beginning to take a serious toll on our relationship and on my own psyche.

She has likely been diagnosed with BPD in the past, but would probably need to be re-diagnosed at this time as it has been many years since she was last treated.

She doesn't make very much money, as she's a graduate student working only part time, and I can't afford to help her with any medical expenses as I'm in a similar position. I doubt she could afford much more than $30 a session, and $15 would be idea.

I know its a long shot, but I figured its worth a try.

YEE-MOTHERFUCKIN-HAW

BitterOldPunk — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 01:43:48 -0800

I wanna rock (with a twang)! I like Drive-By Truckers, Lucero, Centro-Matic, The Dexateens, and I HATE HATE HATE jam bands. Please advise. Who's the best bar band, lounge act, freakabilly festival weirdo, American rock and fucking roll band you've heard recently? NB: I hate Widespread Panic, the Dead, the Dave Matthews Bland, and all that ilk. I like NRBQ, the Austin Lounge Lizards, and Marcia Ball. And "Pancho and Lefty" ranks up there with the Iliad. And I'm already down with Robbie Fulks. And The Highwaymen. And Steve Earle. And Lucinda.And Dan Sartain. And the Jayhawks, and the Gear Daddies, and Neko Case. And the New Pornographers. And all that stuff. Gimme new, gimme good.

Help me and my fiancee deal with her untreated BPD and OCD.

Anonymous — Wed, 24 Aug 2005 17:03:46 -0800

My fiancee has Borderline Personality Disorder and OCD. Please help us. Please be clear that our relationship, though it can be difficult, has so far successfully dealt with the behavior associated with her mental illness for four years. We are motivated to stay together and to work through this as individuals and a couple. Please refrain from simply advising us to part ways.

That said, there are two areas we need advice about. I am not a doctor and don't pretend to understand BPD or OCD or even which behaviors are caused by illness and which are her own free will. I'd like to better understand the illnesses and how others have dealt with being a significant other to someone who suffers from similar symptoms. The best advice would be in the form of your personal experience or books that recount other people's personal experience. Be advised that I don't tend to enjoy self help books or find them useful unless they are particularly thorough and not obvious. At this point, it's evident she's not improving as she ages. It's also not clear whether or not my behavior is helping her or enabling her in some negative way.

Secondly, she's been out of the care of mental health professionals since we have known each other. She is mostly functional, completed school and is entering her professional field as a distinguished and gifted practitioner. She wants help and recognizes the fact she needs help. I've been supportive, but have not pressured her to seek help outside of conversations we both respond possitively to. She's even agreed to times and dates when she would call a doctor and set up an appointment, but those dates always come and go with no action.

As much as we love each other and, in calmer times, can recognize our how well we've worked together, the symptoms she has are unbearable for her and have stretched my ample patience and tolerance very thin. Her OCD is relatively mild, but it's contentious when she throws out my belongings because of irrational fears. The symptoms of BPD, on the other hand, are not a minor inconvenience to either of us. In the past it has lead to promiscuity, drug use, self mutilation and suicide attempts. At present, it leads to scary ranges of emotions, irrational behavior that prevents her from socializing normally and delusional thought that dominates our day to day life. She's suffered long enough but can not help herself. I've learned that while I can help her stay mostly safe, I'd be kidding myself to believe she's any better off because of it.

How would you help a friend or loved one overcome such a fear to get professional help?

(A previous thread on BPD and searches for OCD have yielded little in the way of advice on this specific problem. She is looking for a therapist who does DBT locally, but actually going is an entirely different story.)