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Help me deal with my mentally ill father, who I still need to talk to.

Anonymous — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 13:27:56 -0800

How should I go about handling my (very) mentally ill father who goes through (primarily) emotionally/psychologically abusive phases with anyone he holds a relationship with? Completely cutting off contact is probably not a solution for a few reasons. Sorry for a long post, but...

History: My father is mentally ill, diagnosed as having a number of issues. He does not properly take his medication, and I'm not even sure that he bothers taking it at all, any more. It shows. I have been out of my (now divorced) parents' household for many years, but he calls me frequently--once a week--and tries desperately to keep tabs on what I'm doing, where I'm going, etc. as he likes to try to gain control over people, so he can manipulate situations. It's a taxing relationship that would normally not be worth having, other than there are some issues at hand with cutting all ties. That's where I'm hoping to get some advice.

I thankfully haven't seen my father in about two years, but he's called me and known where I lived, which wasn't an easy place for him to travel to...intentionally. About a month ago, I began a big move, selling a bunch of my stuff with the idea of starting afresh and getting better stuff. I've graduated college, so it is a bit of a new life.

Before leaving where I was, I told my father that I was in the process of moving, but was going to drive around and find a place before settling down, which I have done; I said I'd have trouble getting in touch with him, as I'd be busy, which was/is true. I've only just gotten into a place over the past week. (Maybe it's worth noting that the place is much closer--several hours' drive--and more accessible to him now, which is a slight concern.) My father's been going crazy, though--no puns intended--as he only had my last landline number, so he hasn't been able to speak to me or keep up with what I'm doing. I emailed him a couple of weeks ago, but that wasn't enough, and now he's sending me emails saying I haven't gotten in touch with him for three months. That may be one of his occasional delusions, and I have no way of calculating whether he's reacting angrily or otherwise to it all. Overall, this isn't my problem.

My problem is that...well, really my problem is just that he's crazy, and I'm not (no more so than most!), and there's not really anything either of us can do about it, particularly if he's not going to take his medication and/or consistently go to therapy. When he calls me, he wants to act like he's never treated me badly. He wants to be all buddy-buddy, as if I've never had to keep him, a very large man, from chasing my mother; as if I've never had to call the cops on him; as if he's never verbally disowned me or threatened me to my face in one of his fits. Despite all this, I would still be more than happy to keep a distant relationship with him, where we send cards at holidays and we speak over the phone a couple of times a year. Being mentally ill, though, and pretty damn unapologetic, he can't seem to understand any of this, and he'd even somehow be offended if I tried (yet again) to get him to understand it.

Core Question: With all of this baggage and the issues that still exist, his latest email accusing me of not talking to him for three months (again, untrue) and the fact that he doesn't know where I am / doesn't have an easy means of contacting me leaves me wondering how I should handle it. I have options, but I'm just not sure which I should choose. Should I just cut ties? Should I tell him where I am? Should I give him my phone number? Should I see him again? Is it safe for me to? And on and on and on. I drive myself batty dealing with this.

"So, why are you still in touch with him at all? Why would you even consider it?" you might ask. There are three primary reasons:

1. This is the biggest reason, and it is a material one, but one I care deeply about, nonetheless. There is a lot of land somewhere that, as his only child, will go to me, unless he outright denies me from having it in his will. Some of that land is already in my name, but only a very small portion of it. I want it all, when he finally keels over from all his bad decisions, as morbid and vulturistic as that sounds. I grew up on that land some, and it means a lot to me. I am concerned that cutting contact with him would mean I would never see all of it again. On a lesser note, where he lives is where my parents lived for a long time; it is also the place my mother fled from, finally, a few years ago. A lot of my childhood keepsakes, that I desperately want, are locked up in that home with him.

2. He gets frantic and does some wild things that might affect my life. My father has been known to wiretap, hide recorders, hire private investigators, etc. He currently doesn't know where I am, but if he ever got into the frame of mind where he wanted to know, he could actually easily find out. He would even know if he looked on my Twitter account, but he's too lazy. He loves spending money, though, so if he decided he wanted to track me down, I'm sure he'd hire someone. Doing things like that seem to give him a feeling of importance. Clearly, for my own sanity, I don't want to be tracked down! It seems that minimal, but existing contact is the only way to eliminate this possibility.

3. One of the few ways my father has always tried to "apologize" to both my mother and myself is by spending money. He paid for my college tuition, and a very small part of me is a little bit afraid that if I piss him off, he'll try to come back some sort of way and get that money from me. He'd not have much on his side, as I've got emails from him which don't state I have to repay anything, but I don't want to go through the hassle or heartache of any of that. My father is "lawyer-and-sue happy," so this is a possible scenario, even if small.

So, yes, hopefully you see why I'm hesitant to completely cut ties. I feel like both material/financial and emotional things are at stake here.

Two final things:

Please note that "talk to a therapist" is not the answer I'm looking for, so I'd appreciate it if no one went that route. I have spoken to therapists and guidance counselors in the past, as recently as this year. They all recommend I distance myself from my father, if not completely cut ties. This is good advice, but it doesn't take into account some of the things I have at stake here, which counselors always seem to overlook for some reason. That being said, therapy to help me process all this crap probably is in order, and I'll see to that at some point, when I've got time and a steadier income.

The law is not on my side, really, other than in emergencies, so you shouldn't assume that it is. Restraining orders do little good, other than to rile up the mentally ill party, and it is incredibly difficult to institutionalize someone, even when they have emotionally and even physically abused people. Most of the time you can only get someone locked up for a few weeks; my father has been locked up for that amount of time in the past, only to be released, because of legal reasons concerning how long mental health patients can be kept under certain circumstances. I'm probably not looking for a way to deal with all this, law wise, but if you know of something I don't, I'd appreciate your sharing it.

I hope someone can help me figure out how to communicate with him, but still stay safe and get what I want in the end. Thanks, everyone.

What's the best way of dealing with a housemate with BPD who is concerned by me spreading cold-sores to her?

severin — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 06:19:30 -0800

What are the chances of getting cold sores about two weeks after a friend of mine had an outbreak of cold sores? And how should I deal with the concerns of my housemate (who has BPD) who thinks I may spread it to her? Today I went around to a friend of mine's to help her with some housework. My housemate was a little concerned that since my friend had a cold sore about three weeks ago, that I might catch it and bring it back into our household. I tried to assure her that (a) I wouldn't kiss my friend, and (b) that even if I did, the chance of getting a cold sore was slim, since the blister was long gone. Is this correct, though? If I did kiss my friend, and she hasn't had a blister for a couple of weeks, what would be the chance of getting a cold sore? Also, I did eat dinner over there and used her cutlery. What kind of a risk did I run by doing that?

When I returned, she was livid that I went over there in the first place. She didn't trust that I hadn't kissed her, and said that her boyfriend wasn't happy either, saying that it would affect him if she got cold sores.

Now, this is where the question gets a little tricky. My housemate has Borderline Personality Disorder.

In the heat of the moment, I told her the chances for her getting a cold-sore from this were zero percent (probably a mistake to say that), and I told her that I wasn't happy with her boyfriend for saying it was a valid concern, because it wasn't. That was also a big mistake for me to say that. She's in her room now.

I was wondering what would be a good way to approach the situation from here on in, and what would have been a better way for me to have approached the situation from the start?

How about that Super Bowl? By the way, I think you might have borderline personality disorder.

Anonymous — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 09:02:37 -0800

How does one tell a friend that they might have borderline personality disorder? I'm following this thread pretty closely, for personal reasons. I have a friend who, I've been pretty sure since I met her, has BPD. Before getting into the details, I just want to say: She's preposterously smart, driven, hilarious, and creative. She is not, as this link from the post would suggest, evil. And she definitely didn't cause the fall of Rome.

That said, she displays a range of borderline traits: wild mood swings, impulsiveness, self esteem issues, and most importantly, chronic abandonment issues that result in her testing, lashing out at, and emotionally exhausting those closest to her. Needless to say, it's interfering with her personal relationships, which it hurts to watch. As a result, she's now going through a divorce, after the better part of a decade of marriage.

She's currently being treated for anxiety, for which she takes Klonopin and attends talk therapy. On an ethical level (non-doctors, please feel free to reply), should I mention that she might want to ask her therapist about BPD, or seek dialectical behavioral therapy? If so, any recommendations on how to gently bring up the subject, without making her feel judged or abandoned?

Again, I really think she's great. It'd just be nice to see her get the help she needs, so she's not constantly stuck feeling alone in an emotional whirlwind. I figure it might also help her cope with the divorce, and either eventually reestablish rapport with her husband, or simply have better, future relationships, all around.

Should a reclusive borderline try to meet people or find intimacy? If so, how?

Anonymous — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 08:34:32 -0800

Long post about my struggle with friendlessness, shyness and borderline personality disorder inside. Short form: how does a shy, sensitive, friendless guy meet kind, like-minded people and build up a social support network, and should a borderline avoid seeking a partner altogether? My apologies for the long post.

I'm male, approaching my mid-twenties, living in Brisbane, Australia. I lost my parents to a car accident when I was in my early teens. I lived with my grandmother until I was 17, and then moved out on my own. She has since developed Alzheimer's and now has a full-time carer. I see her far less often than I should.

I didn't enjoy school, I had few close friends and was generally unliked. I felt very strong negative emotions whenever I was teased or criticised, and my only external reaction to being hurt was to become completely silent. I had always been very shy, but became much more so after I entered boarding school. I had one intense relationship from about age 14 to 17, which ended with me being dumped. I realise that's not atypical, but I mention it because it's the only emotionally intimate relationship I've ever had.

Not long after this relationship ended and I left school I became totally reclusive, leaving my apartment only to go grocery shopping and for haircuts and dental appointments and little else, really. There's a multitude of reasons for it. First and foremost though, I feel incredibly uncomfortable around people; I hate being judged or rejected and I'm terrified of the powerful negative emotions that being emotionally close to someone can stir up. Sometimes I feel as though simple financial opportunity also keeps me here - if I had to go out and work, I probably would. Other times though I feel completely helpless, as though if it weren't for the inheritance I'd be homeless and utterly unable to function. I feel very ashamed of myself for achieving so little in life.

My days have consisted of little more than reading, watching television and browsing the web. After a while I got sick of fiction and started to only watch the news and documentaries on television, read news websites and expose myself to a wide variety of opinions on various political topics and educate myself on the various things that interested me; liberal political ideologies, economics, technology and science, chemistry, physics, programming, electronics, business, sociology, history, religion, that sort of thing. I feel like I have a fully-fledged personality, but it hasn't ever really been exposed to anyone.

For a while I maintained some friendships over the internet. However when my ex-girlfriend reached out to me a couple of years ago as a friend, I became far too enamoured far too quickly, experienced rapid mood swings and overwhelmingly powerful emotions (positive and negative), I started blaming her for everything, experienced rages and then one evening a suicide attempt and hospitalisation. After that I cut off all ties with everyone, both out of shame for what I had done and fear of feeling those emotions again. I visited a psychiatrist again and received a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, the description of which really rang true for me, aptly describing my emotions and post-predicting much of my behaviour in relationships through most of my teens and beyond, as well as my personality when dealing with people I'm forced to deal with (like the barber and dentist and so on), which is always incredibly friendly and deeply interested in whatever they have to say, regardless of whether i really care or agree.

I've tried therapy and medication, on and off for years, with a few different professionals. There's some comfort in knowing there's an explanation for my shyness, rapidly changing moods and intensely overpowering emotions, but ultimately I found therapy and medication to be ineffective, even though I tried it with hope and an open mind. I remained terribly lonely and unable to meet people.

However after this most recent lonely new year's eve I decided to finally stop feeling so sorry for myself and try to turn things around and get out and meet people. I stopped blaming my past for all my problems and finally accepted that I did most of this to myself. There's also a creeping sense of desperation that my life is slipping away from me, that before I know it I'll have missed my entire youth. 23 is still early enough for me to turn things around and have some semblance of a normal life. I'm sick of being a loner.

Since starting to entertain the notion of going out or even *gasp* finding a girlfriend a whole new raft of insecurities have cropped up. I worry people will find me terribly boring, who could ever be attracted to someone so insecure and needy, someone who can't even sort out his own life, i have serious body-image issues, lack of sexual experience (I'm a virgin), i'm too self-centred, what if people find out i'm crazy (do i even tell them?), men are supposed to be assertive and secure, blah blah, the list goes on and on and on. I'm fairly confident most of these insecurities will go away over time, I just have to push through them and force myself to try.

But more importantly, I don't want to hurt anyone like I have in the past with stupid shit like suicide attempts and terrible rages and blaming people for all my problems. There are some who view borderline personality disorder as an uncontrollable and endless series of manipulations, and while I disagree and find that opinion deeply damaging and hurtful, there's no denying that my actions and inability to cope with powerful emotions have caused deep pain to people, for which I've only recently been able to apologise.

After the new year began I asked an old school friend to meet up some time. Just this week he and his girlfriend came over for dinner. There were a few moments where we all seemed to enjoy ourselves. I forced myself to turn off my default "I'm fascinated by everything you're interested in" personality but I had difficulty connecting since I don't have many experiences to draw conversation from and neither of them are into politics or follow the news or have much interest in science or anything I had to say, really. After I had mentioned off-hand that I "hadn't been out in years", they invited me to go out clubbing with them the rest of the evening. I turned it down, thinking it'd be far too much far too soon, and then they left. I felt good about the evening for a while but soon after I felt quite apprehensive that they may have found me quite boring or weird.

I don't really know what to do next. My other few friends from school have left the country.

So, given all of this;

How does an almost completely friendless person find friends? How do I meet people? I would find it easier to relate to people who have similar interests to mine; so, current events, politics (more socially left-wing than not, but totally open-minded and not blindly aligning to either side), science, skepticism in general (including atheism but not preachy about it), economics, media, society in general. Preferably quite intelligent people. All of this with the caveat that I'm extremely shy and fragile, and that's not likely to go away until I get a lot of practise socialising. I don't think I'd ever enjoy the bar scene or music festivals or anything like that, which is unfortunately what my old school friend seems to enjoy the most.

What am I going to do if I do actually find someone with whom I can be close? Should I explain how insecure I am, how easy it is to set off mood swings? Should I just avoid seeking a partner entirely, for now?

How do I explain locking myself away for the last 5 years without totally creeping people out?

Fellow recluses, shybies or borderlines, I'm also interested in your anecdotes of recovery or coping.

Thanks.

How can I help my Mom during her marriage crisis?

Anonymous — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 05:53:22 -0800

My 60 year old mom, married 40 years to a husband with NPD, is drinking and crying in the evenings, angrily lashing out, taking sleeping pills in order to sleep at night, and anguishing over whether she can leave her marriage. How can I help her? I think my mom has some borderline leanings, which makes her marriage with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder particularly tough. Last year I found her a therapist so she would have some moral support in the face of constant belittling and criticism, and so she would have someone to help her decide what she wants to do (ie, stay or go). But after several months she stopped going, and is resisting my suggestions (urgings) that she see someone else. She's horribly depressed and angry (and I can't blame her, living with her husband is a gigantic mind-fuck on an hourly basis; I'm still dealing with my childhood stuff from him) and tonight, while visiting, it was evident that she'd been drinking, they'd been fighting, and while I talked with her and she cried, her affect became more and more blunt and incoherent. She had, it turned out, taken her sleeping pills 20 minutes before and they had just kicked in. She's not suicidal (never has been), but the episode disturbed me enormously. I should add that she's been on and off SSRIs for the past several years; I don't know about now.

So, I'm very worried about her, I care about her a lot, and I'm at a loss as how to help. For reasons I don't understand, she refuses to see her previous therapist, get a new one, or allow me to find her another. Marriage therapy is a nonstarter, as is therapy for her husband. I don't care if she chooses to stay married or not (both are upper middle-class retired professionals, financially they'll be ok, though a divorce might be nasty), I just want to help her if I can. What can I do?

How can I help?

No TV, no beer make Homer something something...

sunshinesky — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 20:44:11 -0800

Borderline Personality Disorder: What's next? I just went through my first real, in depth, psychiatric assessment, and it looks like I have a diagnosis. I've never read about BPD, believing all this time that I was just depressed. I'm in the process of being referred for DBT, but I'd like suggestions on what to do in the meantime. It's going to be at least a couple weeks until I get into therapy, and I'm just starting new prescriptions of Wellbutrin and a low dose of Seroquel for my depression/anxiety.

What can I expect in the days, weeks, months and years to come? How can I help my boyfriend, and others around me, to cope? In the past you mefites haven't sounded so hopfeul, so share some more positive experiences, please! By all means, total horror shows will be just as helpful.

I feel like it's a big step just knowing what the hell it is that's been wrong with me all this time. I knew I wasn't 'just depressed'.

Anecdotes, resources, tips, anything!

data: 23, female, and I've had symptoms for upwards of 14 years. No, YANMD.

Affordable BPD treatment in NYC?

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:27:38 -0800

I need to find affordable or sliding-scale treatment for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder in New York City, ideally Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I'm currently in a relationship with someone likely suffering from BPD, and the effects this has on her behavior are beginning to take a serious toll on our relationship and on my own psyche.

She has likely been diagnosed with BPD in the past, but would probably need to be re-diagnosed at this time as it has been many years since she was last treated.

She doesn't make very much money, as she's a graduate student working only part time, and I can't afford to help her with any medical expenses as I'm in a similar position. I doubt she could afford much more than $30 a session, and $15 would be idea.

I know its a long shot, but I figured its worth a try.

BPD mother-in-law to be ...

Anonymous — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 13:09:43 -0800

Planning a wedding. The twist? The bride-to-be's mother has BPD. I and my girlfriend are in the very early stages of planning a wedding. We haven't as of yet announced our engagement to anyone. The problem is my GF's mother, an undiagnosed, untreated Borderline Personality Disorder (and yes, we're certain). So far, its putting a serious crimp in our discussions of what we want (which is a small but friendly affair), knowing that whatever we choose could lead to the metaphorical terrorist at the back of the bus blowing up the whole thing. We've discussed not having a wedding at all, but feel like we don't want her to control our lives to that extent. Has anyone out there dealt with something like this, and can you offer tips, warnings, caveats?

(we own most of the books on BPD and have read the metafilter threads on same)

Dating someone with BPD?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 08:15:57 -0800

Just starting to date someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, please help. I am not 100% sure that I can continue to deal with this. As someone who grew up around an unpredictable and emotionally and physically abusive mother, I'm fairly used to chaos and irrationality from people close to me, but I've never had to deal with any where close to this from somebody I've been in a relationship with.

She seems to have it more or less under control, except when she drinks. I didn't really get this until the second time we went out drinking and it ended in tears and accusations.

But even when she is not drinking, there is a constant "Love Me, Leave Me" struggle where she is demanding of constant affirmations of her worth and if I don't respond (and even if I do respond), it ends up with her saying how worthless she is, I don't love her enough and that I'm going to leave her.

Almost anything seems to set her off, and anything I say to fix it only makes it worse.

Generally, my attitude with anyone like this is to just fold up and ignore the situation, tell her she's being silly and go off to be by myself until she calms down, but I gather one symptom of BPD is severe fear of rejection, so every time I do this, she acts like I just broke up with her.

I don't know if I can deal with this for too much longer. Can someone tell me if this gets better as you stay in the relationship, or is this something I'm going to have to deal with indefinitely? I've only been dating her for a little over a month, so this is something I can put up with for a while if she's going to calm down later.

But if this is never going to get better, I feel like I should just get out now.

Has anyone else here dated someone with BPD before?

What can I do about my unbalanced mother?

SinisterPurpose — Wed, 24 Jan 2007 09:28:08 -0800

PsychologyFilter: Help me. My mother's fantasy is escalating and becoming more dangerous. PsychologyFilter: Help me. My mother's fantasy is escalating and becoming more dangerous.

I'll try to be as brief as possible with the historical information.

My mother has a history of psychological problems. She's been diagnosed with everything from: Multiple Personality Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder.

She's exceptional at manipulating therapists and doctors. Regular people too.

Her hobbies include: Scoring narcotics prescriptions, mixing prescriptions with booze, talking on the phone for hours, and threatening to sue everyone.

She's married to a guy, my step-dad, who has pathological criminal tendencies.

His hobbies include: Drinking and commiting crimes he blames on the drinking. Crimes which include breaking into my house and calling the police claiming he's bleeding to death from a gunshot wound in my house. FYI: If they think there's a gunshot victim in your house, they send the SWAT team and point guns at everyone. He also likes to cut on himself. His latest diagnosis is Bipolar.

Since last summer My step-dad has been claiming that he is coming into a large inheritance from his millionaire programmer brother in California. Supposedly the brother committed suicide. I can find no evidence of the brother or the suicide, my stepfather is from California.

During this past summer, I had to go to the bank and explain to the shaking bank manager. That she had not botched a wire transfer, it was not lost. The transfer she could not find, did not exist. In her defense, she was new to the job and had not had any experience with my mother or stepfather.

The fantasy of this money has only grown for my mother over time. A whole cast of unverifiable characters have entered the mix. Every single weekend someone is supposedly flying in and hand delivering the “bearer bonds”. Every single weekend no one shows up.

Normally this wouldn't be of any concern, but she's started throwing away many of her things. What she doesn't throw away she gives away. She's stopped paying her rent and utilities. Because she'll make it right when the money comes. She calls several times a day because she wants to go over the details that she expects me to handle with all her new money. These behaviors concern me a great deal, mostly because they're new. Throwing and giving away most especially; she's a huge pack rat.

The police no longer take anything to do with my mother or stepfather seriously.

I don't know what to do. I've tried to appeal to her logically demonstrating that there is no money and she should start working out things with her landlord and everyone else. I'm told it's my negative attitude that keeps things from coming true. When I just try to push off her discussion of “how things will be handled” with “let's just cross that bridge when we come to it,” I'm told that if I'm not prepared it'll ruin everything. I'm extremely frightened because behaviour like this has never gone on this long before. Her fantasies always end with her precipitating some crisis. The crisis is usually proportional to the fantasy. I don't know how this will end.

Do I attempt to have my mother declared incompetent? I have no idea how to start that process. Do I just wait and hope it blows over? Should I just not worry and hope for the best? Are there agencies that handle this kind of thing? Do I call the government (she gets SSI for obvious reasons) and tell them she's not reporting income and hope they can shake her out of it?

I feel like something can be done now because my stepfather is currently in the crazy house, but still feeding her the story from there.

I understand that this question is very broad and may not belong here and may be deleted.

I switched to linux to hide the porn!

wzcx — Sat, 12 Nov 2005 18:13:25 -0800

I am engaged to a wonderful woman who has some mental problems. She's willing to get help, but needs my assistance to make it happen. We've been engaged for a few years, and recently she asked me why I haven't agreed on a date to marry. I replied honestly: "I am not willing to marry you until I feel that you are making progress in working out some of your anger, depression, and unhappiness." She was upset to hear it, but it prompted her to admit that her self-medication and exercise aren't enough.
I believe she has BPD, but that's between her and her therapist.
My question is manyfold: Do any of you have recommendations for appropriate therapists in the SF area, particularly Marin? How can I be helpful without feeling like I am controlling her life? She uses marijuana regularly- do you think that 5-6 bowls a day is excessive? Perhaps excessive caffeine use is a contributing factor? She has 5-9 cups/shots a day.