How do I become Hero of the Beach?

May 28, 2007 10:47 AM

How can I toughen up?

I am a wimp: Physically weak, non-confrontational, anxiety-prone and lazy. I would like to be none of these things. What can I do to add some steel to my inner core? I'm talking about improving both physically and mentally.

Please help me develop my inner Vic Mackey.

posted by Bookhouse to health (33 comments total)

Step 1: Get off the internet.
posted by synaesthetichaze at 10:53 AM on May 28, 2007 [4 favorites]

Crossfit.
posted by schroedinger at 11:04 AM on May 28, 2007 [2 favorites]

Step 2: Play rugby!
posted by Loto at 11:04 AM on May 28, 2007

Go here.
posted by mrunderhill at 11:04 AM on May 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

Accomplish some physical milestones (relatively simple), and the mental stuff (much more difficult) will follow. At least, that's my general outlook.

Rugby is a good suggestion. Hang with it for a year and you'll feel like you can accomplish anything (even if you don't become a good player). Complement it with heavy lifting (the serious lifts that let you sneer at people who aren't doing them: deadlift, bench press, standing press, deep squat).

Accomplishments in your personal sphere will also allow you to become more confident in all aspects of your life. Get a significant other (or a bunch of skanks, if that's more your thing) you can be proud of. Accomplish something at work or school that you can be proud of. Use these things to validate all other endeavors.
posted by rxrfrx at 11:12 AM on May 28, 2007

When you wake up in the morning and mentally review your to-do list, pick the one thing you most dread doing and do that first.

Man, I don't want to work out today. Go work out.

I am so dreading asking my boss about the problems with that project. Ask her. Your work will improve, and that will improve your attitude about it.

I'm overwhelmed by anxiety and can't get out of bed. Get out of bed anyway, and you'll feel better about yourself and your situation.

Listen to yourself. Ask yourself, what am I so afraid of? Find that thing, and then confront it. You'll be surprised at how many of those mountains turn out to be molehills.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 11:18 AM on May 28, 2007 [17 favorites]

Seriously? Just do shit.

Really, once you can shift your mental standpoint from "zzz" to "what shit can I be doing at this moment in history," you're more or less set in life.
posted by kcm at 11:33 AM on May 28, 2007 [4 favorites]

Your request is strange, and flawed. We can't give you a good answer because you're not asking the right question. Ultimately, you can only be yourself. You can't be something else. So your effort is better spent finding out who you are, and what your strengths are.
posted by humblepigeon at 11:49 AM on May 28, 2007 [2 favorites]

The burpee is what people do in prison to toughen up.

It is said that if you can count down from 20 (do 20, walk to other side of room, do 19, walk to original side of room do 18, &c), then you're tough enough that casual rapists won't bother trying to screw you.
posted by porpoise at 12:09 PM on May 28, 2007

"Your request is strange, and flawed. We can't give you a good answer because you're not asking the right question. Ultimately, you can only be yourself. You can't be something else. So your effort is better spent finding out who you are, and what your strengths are."

Actually it is a pretty straightforward question. Everyone else so far understands it and is giving suggestions. He knows what he is, and he doesn't want to be that anymore. He wants to be tougher.

Anyway, step 1: start training your body to physical perfection. Increase your strength, speed, agility, flexibility, coordination and stamina as high as you possibly can. Commit to this. Train hard, and learn to endure high levels of discomfort. Stop drinking and taking drugs. Eat healthy. Tirelessly practice striking and grappling techniques. Take Krav Maga. Start practicing your observation skills. Size up everyone and everything around you. Look around your current setting and think about who could pose a threat, what you'd do if everyone attacked you, what you could use as a weapon, what they could use as a weapon, how you could escape, and how more aggressors could approach. Size yourself up. What are your weaknesses? Work on those until they are your strengths. Cut your hair short. Get Lasik. Make yourself perfect. Make yourself Batman. Make yourself Travis from Taxi Driver.

Step 2: Bust through the doors of the nearest redneck bar and loudly announce that you are there to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and that you're all out of gum.

Step 3: Whoop some ass!
posted by Caper's Ghost at 12:09 PM on May 28, 2007

Don't forget to get a physical from your doctor before you begin any of this ass-whooping.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 12:38 PM on May 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

I've posted this here before but in case you missed it the Vice Guide to Getting Beaten Up by noise rock guru and MMA expert Eugene Robinson of the Oxbow is pretty essential for every tough guy.
posted by The Straightener at 12:59 PM on May 28, 2007

Drink your whiskey neat. Out of a dirty glass.

Really, though, what you're looking for is confidence - after you have that, no one will touch you. Well, except for the ones you want to touch you.
posted by backseatpilot at 1:24 PM on May 28, 2007

I'm not sure Crossfit is the best choice for someone who hasn't been exercising for a while. It might be more of a goal to work up to.

I also recommend the burpees. That's an excellent exercise for making gradual and steady improvement. Wind sprints are another possibility in that same line. Both of these are, of course, free.

If you are worried about not being able to handle aggression and want to be able to defend yourself take a look at some martial arts. Carl Cestari has a videotape series based on the OSS fighting 'style' taught in WWII. It's brutal stuff and easy to learn. Take a class where there's at least some contact if not out and out going after each other. A program that puts some mental stress on you will help get you what you're after.

Be careful about becoming too much of an asshole. I think guys who are always trying to size up everyone else frequently move on to trying to get over on those they think they have an advantage over. Perhaps that's what you want, if not, be aware of the possibility.
posted by BigSky at 1:55 PM on May 28, 2007

Regarding Crossfit: The workouts posted are infinitely scalable, and the community (check the message boards) is extremely, extremely open to beginners, even beginning exercisers. They have a huge number of videos dedicated to illustrating the exercises.

A bit of poking around will find you scaled workout-of-the-days at BrandX. Here is an explanation of the scaling, here are the scaled WODs themselves, updated daily.
posted by schroedinger at 2:49 PM on May 28, 2007

Being physically fit and/or muscular won't stop you from being anxious or passive. You might try cognitive-behavioral therapy, yoga, meditation, reading books on how to stop being a people pleaser, etc., for all you are going to get otherwise is more anxious (for too much will never be good enough) and people-pleasing in a different sort of way.
posted by raysmj at 3:23 PM on May 28, 2007

If you want to be physically tough: that's easy. Take martial arts or something. This way youre not just working out, youre getting rough and tumble with people, feeling pain, getting pushed past your limits. Martial arts can develop mental toughness also. And finally, if you want to be a beach hero or get in fights or something, martial arts will teach you to be a little cooler about that. You will learn quickly what a bad idea it is to get into a real fight and how unromantic it is.
posted by GleepGlop at 3:27 PM on May 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

Getting physically fit, and doing outdoor activity will help a lot. Start cycling, walking, gardening, or whatever. Developing mastery develops confidence, so practice a skill that you want to learn. Mental toughness? Push yourself towards goals. Keep pushing a little harder. Kind of a vague answer, but the question is vague.
posted by theora55 at 4:48 PM on May 28, 2007

I'll second the rugby suggestion. Even going out to a couple of practices might get you on the path to where you want to be.
posted by glip at 4:48 PM on May 28, 2007

Learn to love effort.
posted by alms at 6:01 PM on May 28, 2007

I don't want to sound like a macho douche bag, cause trust me I ain't that macho, but get into a fight. Seriously.

Like many other lame-asses, some friends and I started a fight club shortly after the movie came out. We only did it for a month or so, but it greatly reduced my anxiety and improved my confidence. Not only was it a rush, but once I realized physical pain wasn't so bad and could be dealt with, a lot of other things seemed easier.

That's obviously not a long-term solution, but I genuinely think it's a good starting point.
posted by Roman Graves at 8:00 PM on May 28, 2007

Realize that getting into a fight with friends is -nothing- like getting into a fight with a stranger. Heck, getting into a fight is pretty over-rated, but that might be because I have some issues.

Ideally, if you are looking to toughen up, you want to push yourself to your mental and physical limits. The more you do this, the more you can push, in all aspects of life. I mentioned rugby earlier, but any demanding sport could be used. You want yourself to become so exhausted that the only thing that keeps you going is willpower. That is how you get tough, when you know even though your body is about to give out, you can keep pushing yourself. Once you can do that, you can push yourself in other ways. Once you can do that, you can consider yourself tougher than most people.
posted by Loto at 8:17 PM on May 28, 2007

Seconding Rugby, I played 10 years. The team dynamic forces you out of your comfort zone.

You might also want to look at changing your mefi name.
posted by ill3 at 8:26 PM on May 28, 2007

i found that doing a simple ~daily~ physical activity (in my case running, but i started out w/ biking) really went a long way in making me stronger mentally & physically and able to endure/solve any/all problems i encountered in my life. it's remarkable really, how a daily routine of somewhat tortuous but time-limited physical exertion can improve things. the key for me is to to be consistent with it (go out and run every day, rain/shine/snow/sleet/ whatever. you'll be amazed what a consistent effort can do. try it for a couple weeks and see what happens.
posted by The_Auditor at 9:20 PM on May 28, 2007

The team thing might be good, esp. for interpersonal anxiety, but I also read in some advice book "do something very hard alone." Their example had to do with running at dawn every day. When I used to go running before breakfast before work, all the "tough" parts about work instead felt like "ahh, I get to rest now."
posted by salvia at 9:21 PM on May 28, 2007

Those suggesting goal-setting as a behavior have obviously not been around overachievers (in all areas of life, in varying careers and settings) with anxiety disorders much. Physical fitness always helps, but it's only going to get you so far, and reaching big goals will not ease the anxiety in the long run, or maybe even the short term. What you want to do is to be strong, but also to let go.
posted by raysmj at 10:48 PM on May 28, 2007

On second thought, if you're not even remotely an achiever of anything, by all means get out of the house and exercise. Be active. But realize that tying your achievements to your self-worth, and to impress others even if talk yourself into thinking that you're not dong this (the advice about doing something hard alone is quite good) is only going to make things worse. It might take you a while to realize that, but you will. External validation is nice enough, but you should never rely on it.
posted by raysmj at 11:17 PM on May 28, 2007

A late suggestion - but consider finding a boxing gym, getting a trainer and sticking with it. You'll harden physically, and once you start sparring I think your whole personality will change. Another thing, go to said gym daily, it will give you something to structure your life around besides work or school. That will be the reason you don't overeat, keep to your schedule, etc... good luck...
posted by objdoc at 5:19 AM on May 29, 2007

In the vein of exercising: sign up for a race. It'll get you a concrete reason to run/bike/swim/rollerblade/whatever you're doing. When you've done a 5K, do a 10K. If you've ridden 30 miles, ride 50. If you race the same distance a few times, aim to lower your times. Or how about doing a triathlon? Not only will you have to get yourself in shape for three activities, but you'll need the mental toughness to do them back-to-back. Plus, if you get bored easily, training for triathlons gives you different things to choose from.
posted by bassjump at 9:41 AM on May 29, 2007

One last thing, if you need help getting started with the physical side of things (lifting, running, finding a team in your area, etc.) feel free to drop me an email at the address listed in my profile. I'm always happy to help.

There are also a ton of good threads about getting fit, and I highly recommend reading over Mr. Gunn's comments in those threads as he and I are generally in agreement over how you should proceed when hitting the weights. Two great sites for learning how to lift and get fit are T-Nation and John Stone Fitness.

Last thing, which I know is sometimes an issue when people start at the gym, is to remember that everyone starts somewhere. Don't be embarrassed if you can only bench press the bar (when I started lifting, I couldn't even do that!) and don't worry about the big dudes who seem to be watching you, 99% of the time they are just letting their gaze wander in between sets.
posted by Loto at 12:20 PM on May 29, 2007

Have you tried fencing? It can definitely help to bring out your aggressive side a bit more, especially when you're attacking. Also look into taking some conflict resolution courses if you hate being confrontational.
posted by elisynn at 5:36 PM on May 29, 2007

A) Get your ass kicked. Hard.

I ran my mouth off to the wrong people as a young teenager and the last thing I remember was my head being escorted towards a concrete drinking fountain. My first thought when I woke up was "This will never happen again. Ever."

B) Take up a martial art, preferably Tae Kwon Do, preferably a more militaristic version of it.

I recommend Moo Duk Kwan or its close relation Tang Soo Do. I do NOT recommend a strip mall joint with lots of trophies. I do recommend a place where nobody speaks English well. You get the idea.

C) Train all the time. Hard. Realize that technique comes first, then speed, then strength (lotta debate on the order of the last two).

Hopefully you'll realize a lot about the nature of fighting and while you'll learn how to do it well, you'll learn even better how to avoid it. The baddest mother fuckers I know are the ones who could kill you, but could also neutralize the situation before you realized what was happening, and would choose the latter.

I had to stop training for various reasons, but the small number of fights I've been party to since I started studying MA have been COMPLETELY different from the ones before I started. The difference is not that I was the one kicking ass this time around, but I was the one preventing anyone's ass from really getting kicked in the first place. That's real tough.

Or...you could just go the Knockaround Guys route:

Taylor: 500 fights, that's the number I figured when I was a kid. 500 street fights and you could consider yourself a legitimate tough guy. You need them for experience. To develop leather skin. So I got started. Of course along the way you stop thinking about being tough and all that. It stops being the point. You get past the silliness of it all. But then, after, you realize that's what you are.
posted by allkindsoftime at 7:29 PM on May 29, 2007

i recommend karate. schools differ considerably, however, in particular in terms of whether they focus on development of the spirit and mind as well as the body. in my opinion a school like seido juku (seido.com), where the emphasis is on physical training but also on meditation and community, may serve you better than a school that is geared toward turning out high numbers of peak physical specimens to the exclusion of other populations. i'm partial to seido, having been a longtime member, but what i loved about them from the beginning was their attitude toward populations like the deaf, the blind, the developmentally disabled, etc.

other people will prefer kendo or tai chi. the martial arts in general will train you to focus your mind on the task at hand as well as giving you activities that strengthen your muscles. good luck in your search. hai and OSU!
posted by kewpiedoll99 at 12:58 PM on May 30, 2007