Long distance engagement?

December 28, 2006 4:47 PM

She said yes (yay!), but we're 300 miles apart still. What now?

So my new fiance (I proposed after reading your comments) and I are engaged but are living yet another long distance relationship. Earlier in our life together she spent a year in Germany and then a year apart while at different colleges, so we're pretty good at living with the distance. We've had a good solid 3 years of together time recently, but once again though, we're apart because she's going to grad school in Minnesota and I'm working in Milwaukee.

She is very reluctant to move to Milwaukee because there are no decent grad programs here in her field. I'm reluctant to move anywhere because my employer is extremely generous both in terms of working hours flexibility and money. Also, I've only been there since we graduated in June, so I'm worried about what such a short stint would look like on my resume.

I feel like I really need to be with her in order to continue on with my life and our relationship, and that I'm willing to get a new job in a new city if I need to, but can the hive mind see any other options that I'm not seeing? Anyone going in between MSP and MKE and want to share gas? Can anyone with a similar experience share their thoughts for a distressed 20-something?

posted by yellowbkpk to Human Relations (15 answers total)

Are there other places where they have good grad programs for her and that you could find employment? You may have a good job, but good jobs are much more common than good grad programs. PS, congrats!
posted by k8t at 5:07 PM on December 28, 2006

I'd agree with k8t, you could probably find a good job in Minnesota easier than she could change grad programs. Spend as much time with her as possible, and keep an eye out for some job opportunities around there.

And, big big big congratulations. I haven't looked back at that thread, but how did you ask her?
posted by hominid211 at 5:12 PM on December 28, 2006

First off congrats! That is great news!

How long will she be in this grad program? If it's under a year, then my suggestion is to just make the distance thing work until she's done. You've done it before and since grad school would be a temporary thing, I would think it's worth muscle-ing through one more year so she can finish and you can stay in your job.

Otherwise, I do think it's time to start looking for jobs in her area. I agree with k8t - good jobs are often easier to find than good grad programs. I would suggest looking *while* you are working so that you don't burn any bridges until you get another good job. Also, I do not think you should worry so much about staying in a job a short time. If you can make it to your 1 year anniversary at your job, that would be ideal. But recent grads change jobs more frequently than in the past, and it is not always viewed upon as a negative thing.

Good luck!
posted by tastybrains at 5:27 PM on December 28, 2006

Response by poster: I asked her on a horse-drawn carriage ride through downtown Milwaukee over Thanksgiving. It was pretty awesome. She said "no way!" when she saw me reaching in to my pocket and her eyes got really big and excited. We both had huge grins on our faces for a good two weeks afterwards. It is an awesome feeling!
posted by yellowbkpk at 5:27 PM on December 28, 2006

Response by poster: tastybrains: She's going for a Ph.D., so it'll be 4+ years until she's done.
posted by yellowbkpk at 5:29 PM on December 28, 2006

You should live together and at this point in your life not worry about much other than establishing your marriage.

When I got married, my wife and I both quit our jobs and moved to San Francisco in a U-haul with little savings and no jobs. Why? Because it was a chance to do what we wanted together and make a real change. Of course our parents were freaking out, but it all turned out for the best, even though we didn't have a plan.

So, choose a city you both like and move there. Jobs will come. But for now, enjoy the joy of engagement and building a new life.

IMHO, you might consider a place without snow. ;)
posted by Argyle at 5:32 PM on December 28, 2006

Response by poster: Argyle: we both love snow, so it's probably best that we stick somewhere with 4 seasons :).

It sounds like everyone here is confirming what I'm thinking... Has anyone worked for IBM, 3M, or Navteq? All three of these companies exist in Minneapolis and sound cool to me.
posted by yellowbkpk at 5:37 PM on December 28, 2006

If you're worried about your resume, perhaps you could plan to move, but not right away. Perhaps plan to be at your job for a whole year before moving to MSP? Which rocks, by the way. Depends on how easily you can get hired in Minnesota, of course.
posted by desuetude at 5:52 PM on December 28, 2006

Since you're both WILLING to move (each with certain preconditions), maybe the best bet is to BOTH move to a city that is new to both of you and meets both sets of criteria.

That way you avoid any lingering feelings of ONE of you "giving up" your old home or job or program etc. You might not have these now, but it's the sort of thing that could creep back in six months or ten years from now.

Also, there's the whole romantic notion of starting in a new place together. :)
posted by rokusan at 6:31 PM on December 28, 2006

I had friends in college who'd worked low-level summer jobs or internships at 3M and all seemed to like the place.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 6:33 PM on December 28, 2006

If you're willing to move except for your concern that your short job stint is a resume problem, I'd say there's no reason you can't start looking for a job. My partner just job-hunted after being in one job only six months (laid off) and in the next job only three months (hated it). We both figured that any employer who was bothered by that wouldn't interview him, and perhaps some did pass him by because of it, but he found a job quickly. Since your fiancee will be in grad school for 4+ years, there's no reason to suspect your next job in Minnesota won't be a good solid long-tenure resume-builder.

Interviewers did ask my partner why he left his jobs after such short times (he was still in the second job while looking). He just told the truth. "I recently got engaged and am looking for work closer to my fiancee" is a perfectly good answer to that question, too.
posted by not that girl at 6:56 PM on December 28, 2006

Congratulations!

There is a little known fact about jobs: You don't need to tell anyone you had one. If the stint is really short (a few months) and you are leaving for a negative reason then don't put it on your resume. I've got a few of these myself. But in your case, saying you left to be closer to your super-smart-sweetie is A-OK.

Besides, would you really want to work for someone who felt that wasn't ok?
posted by chairface at 9:20 PM on December 28, 2006

It seems you realize being with each other is the most important thing, so by all means be together. At any cost. But of course make it the most convenient... and that seems to be you moving, and her staying put.
posted by travosaurus at 9:38 PM on December 28, 2006

What is she planning on doing after her Ph.D.? If she's going into academia, then it seems like you may need to get used to being the trailing spouse. If she's not, then I agree that you're probably more portable than she is right now (because you're not talking about your job in terms of long-term prospects, just current considerations); and I also agree that if you can find a mutually agreeable third city, that's good, too. (Again, though, if she's going to pursue an academic job, the contacts and things she's currently making at her school may be extremely important to her long-term prospects, and that should be factored into these decisions.)
posted by occhiblu at 9:50 PM on December 28, 2006

Has anyone worked for IBM, 3M, or Navteq?

I have friends who work for Navteq and love it, and Navteq is a company I'd love to work for, given the burgeoning GPS industry. Go for them.

I have a relative who worked for IBM for 20 years and was sold to adaptec. No hard feelings, but definitely a different sort of place to be.
posted by fake at 5:18 AM on January 16, 2007