Erectile dysfunction while using a condom because of a heart condition?

December 15, 2006 9:13 AM

A boyfriend of a friend of a friend claims that he cannot maintain an erection when using a condom because of a heart condition. How likely is this to be true? Or is it just bullshit?

Bonus Question: Can we or can we not beat the guy up for being a lying asshole?

posted by yeoz to Health & Fitness (41 answers total)

Some men can't maintain erections with condoms, due to constriction of blood flow. Change brands, or buy female condoms.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:20 AM on December 15, 2006

Response by poster: Bonus more inside: BF claims that he can maintain an erection normally when not using a condom. The girl in question is on birth control because of the claim that the BF can't use a condom. Birth Control is causing serious health problems with the girl.
posted by yeoz at 9:20 AM on December 15, 2006

Seems pretty unlikely that a heart problem means that he can normally get an erection, but a condom makes all the difference, though IANAD. However, doesn't mean he's a lying asshole, my guess is that he has a minor heart problem and trouble staying hard with condoms, and it's easy for him to blame one on the other so he doesn't have to worry/fix it.
posted by crabintheocean at 9:27 AM on December 15, 2006

What dirtynumb... said, he should buy larger sized condoms.
posted by caddis at 9:28 AM on December 15, 2006

How serious is their relationship? Can they go talk to a doctor together?
posted by routergirl at 9:31 AM on December 15, 2006 [1 favorite]

There are a variety of fiddly rubber and leather rings that look like tiny fan belts to help out with this sort of problem. About $6 for a starter set. I'd be worried about his heart condition rearing up in the middle of the act, because, damn, heart condition.
posted by boo_radley at 9:34 AM on December 15, 2006

Also, as a man, when my wife's BC started causing health problems for her, I owned up and bought the contraception that would get her off the BC and feeling better.
posted by boo_radley at 9:35 AM on December 15, 2006

It's more common than some people think for men to have trouble keeping an erection when wearing a condom. This has more to do with blood-flow issues or sensation issues; I've never heard of a heart-condition issue. So it's possible, but it doesn't mean your friend-of-a-friend must continue on hormonal birth control.

I suggest she look into other barrier/non-hormonal options, like a diaphragm or sponge or female condom. Also, if the boyfriend is serious about addressing this, he should talk to his doctor about ED remedies he can pursue, too.
posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 9:40 AM on December 15, 2006

The proper way to go about accomplishing what "BF" is trying to accomplish with inventing his bogus medical condition is for him to say: "Hey, I don't dig on the raincoat, what can we do to keep them out of play that might not give you health problems?"
posted by majick at 9:45 AM on December 15, 2006

Sounds suspicious. Condoms aren't so tight as to constrict blood flow (besides, there is no blood flow when erect). I'd ask for a doctor's note.
posted by rocket88 at 10:18 AM on December 15, 2006

I think the GF should tell him that her sex drive is no longer functional due to the pills. Let him figure it out.
posted by IronLizard at 10:47 AM on December 15, 2006

Bonus Question: Can we or can we not beat the guy up for being a lying asshole?

If you've already reached your conclusion, why are you asking us for help?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:53 AM on December 15, 2006

Yeah, it seems like yeoz already reached a conclusion prior to asking, but as others have said it sounds more like a sensation or blood flow issue. Losing erections while wearing condoms is a common complaint.
posted by NationalKato at 11:11 AM on December 15, 2006

Response by poster: Extra bonus more inside: I actually haven't come to a conclusion yet, as I am merely asking the question for a friend.
posted by yeoz at 11:21 AM on December 15, 2006

Yeah, I'm fairly sure I'd like to punch him, but I'm at least marginally curious about how it would be viewed socially to those in the know.

Routergirl, it is not very serious. In fact it is very casual. Like, weekends.
posted by Vanc at 11:30 AM on December 15, 2006

Response by poster: (oh, and Vanc is the friend in question, I've gifted him an account...)
posted by yeoz at 11:35 AM on December 15, 2006

This relationship is DOOMED.
posted by thirteenkiller at 11:41 AM on December 15, 2006

The girl in question is on birth control because of the claim that the BF can't use a condom. Birth Control is causing serious health problems with the girl.

(oh, and Vanc is the friend in question, I've gifted him an account...)

What is the gender of the BF's friend?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:42 AM on December 15, 2006

"Boyfriend of a friend of a friend" covers the gender questions.

If she doesn't want to be on hormonal BC, she shouldn't force herself to be, and *he* certainly shouldn't force her to be, but that's something she needs to him and her doctor about.
posted by occhiblu at 11:51 AM on December 15, 2006

How will it be viewed socially? Like you don't like him, Vanc. If you think he's lying about his health problem, then why are you sleeping with him? If you're going to an on-line forum to ask people if it's possible that this guy you're sleeping with doesn't want to wear a condom, then I'm guessing that you're not really invested in this relationship. So stop screwing him.

Sadly, there's no in-between in birth control; either the women have to deal with it primarily (the pill, diaphragm, etc.) or men have to deal with it primarily (condom). If you're immediately dismissive of the guy you're sleeping with when he tells you he doesn't want to wear a condom (and most guys don't like them, and many have difficulty with them, so no, he's not being an asshat for telling you that -- it's the truth), then you don't like him enough to sleep with him in the first place. If you are willing to explore other options with him, with the understanding that the two of you should re-evaluate this issue occasionally and keep the lines of communication open, then screw away.
posted by incessant at 11:55 AM on December 15, 2006

Oops. Just jumped to the assumption that Vanc = girlfriend. Sorry bout that.
posted by incessant at 11:56 AM on December 15, 2006

Response by poster: foaf = girl
friend = boy
(well, i assume, people-I-know-on-IRC-that-I-call-a-friend-but-who-really-knows-kind-of-thing.)
posted by yeoz at 11:57 AM on December 15, 2006

You cannot beat the guy up for being a lying asshole. That's assault; you'll go to jail.
posted by ikkyu2 at 12:12 PM on December 15, 2006

That's assault

OT: Common mistake. It's battery - assault is fear of unwanted touching, battery is the actual act.

Still true, though. Jail and/or civil problems are still there with both.

Back on topic, I don't dig raincoats myself to the point I'd rather not have sex myself if they're the only option. Perhaps, vanc, if you're not serious with the guy (and the sex isn't fantastic enough to fix the problem) maybe you should just just go fishing again and find a guy who will wear the condoms.
posted by plaidrabbit at 12:38 PM on December 15, 2006

Edit: Strike fear, put in anticipation.

And lose the second myself. Sorry. :)
posted by plaidrabbit at 12:39 PM on December 15, 2006

"That's assault; you'll go to jail."

Well duh.
posted by Vanc at 12:45 PM on December 15, 2006

Okay.

1) I'm the friend of the girlfriend

2) I am not banging the boyfriend.

3) This IS a bit of a mess, isn't it?
posted by Vanc at 12:47 PM on December 15, 2006

I'd say that the chances that there is at least a kernel of truth about this are high enough that you shouldn't be getting upset.

Some people just don't care enough about the specifics of their condition to know accurate details, and many people don't care enough about hearing the details for it to be worth the bother of explaining.

I think the best policy here is to be honest and forward, with both him and yourselves. I bet he would be able to maintain an erection with a condom and ED pills, and I'm sure you're also aware that there are numerous other non-hormonal birth control options.
posted by trevyn at 1:50 PM on December 15, 2006

You know, I've nailed a lot of guys. And a condom was nonnegotiable. And not one of those men has had a problem when it becomes clear that the option is sex + condom or no sex. They may prefer not to use one, but if you are having casual sex with someone, you better get used to using one or getting the clap. So I vote lying scum or whiny baby.
posted by Tasty Like Your 9V Battery at 1:57 PM on December 15, 2006

You can't beat anyone up, for any reason.

Unless you're a boxer. Then it's your job.
posted by alby at 2:09 PM on December 15, 2006

caddis: "What dirtynumb... said, he should buy larger sized condoms."

This solution worked for me. If the condom is extremely snug and thickish (I find regular-sized Trojans particularly tricky) it caused me issues. A metric that I found was that if the condom itself did not move on me, it was too tight for me to a) enjoy much, and b) might cause my performance to crap out. There's a reason the companies make larger sizes.
posted by Xoder at 2:26 PM on December 15, 2006

I mean, to be fair, it takes me forever to reach climax when wearing one due to the loss of sensation, so I can see losing your woody. This lying about it while she takes harmful (to her) medication, though, this is bullshit. I also tear them quite often.

/shameless plug)
posted by IronLizard at 2:27 PM on December 15, 2006

IronLizard: LUBE.
posted by dame at 2:59 PM on December 15, 2006

The "unable to maintain an erection w/condom" claim can be subjected to extensive empirical testing. I can't imagine he would complain.

Or your foaf can do the worst to the guy: deprive him of her delightful company. (No need to beat him up. Liars don't end up with quality partners or trustworthy friends; that's the suitable punishment.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:15 PM on December 15, 2006

Yes, there are men who cannot have sex with a condom on. (Don't ask how I know that.)

The guy might be lying, or he might be telling the truth. But there is a chance he is telling the truth!
posted by konolia at 4:56 PM on December 15, 2006

IronLizard: LUBE.

That's not an invitation, is it? (kidding)

The guy might be lying, or he might be telling the truth. But there is a chance he is telling the truth!

Of course, just not about the heart condition causing this problem. Of course, he may even believe it, but it's BS. (IMNSHO)
posted by IronLizard at 5:10 PM on December 15, 2006

The larger ones are a godsend, mostly for sensitivity, but also because sometimes it can feel like it might be flagging whan crunched into a tiny one. The swirly headed ones are cool too. Of course, he should watch the alcohol and she should attend to inflation (what do they call those women who inflate the male stars in pr0n?) prior to putting the condom on. There are so many sites where they can find info on this, they should go surfing together, and then perhaps have some fun with what they find. This need not be a big issue, if they just explore the options. He might be a shit like some people say, but give him a chance, he might also just be confused by the whole thing. Best of look to them. With the right rubber any man can go this way. It does reduce sensitivity, but everything is a trade off. If this is too much for him, then he should commit, then they could perhaps skip the protection and have some kids and then he could be a big guy and cut his cords. Whatever. why am i even commenting in threads like this, i am so embarrassed
posted by caddis at 5:16 PM on December 15, 2006

(what do they call those women who inflate the male stars in pr0n?)
Fluffers.
posted by IronLizard at 5:25 PM on December 15, 2006

Whatever. why am i even commenting in threads like this, i am so embarrassed

It's because you've been drinking.
posted by IronLizard at 5:26 PM on December 15, 2006

It's most likely due to a loss of sensation. He should try putting a small dab of lube at the head of the condom. Do not put lube all over the penis and then put on a condom. Then you end up with deflated vaginal balloon and that just looks silly.

If the dab of lube doesn't work, have him move up to a Magnum or similar. If he's not wearing a latex tent and it stays on just fine, it should give him enough room and movement to really feel what's going on. Plus he can go all ego-trip having that Magnum box on the nightstand.

If they try either of those suggestions and he still says they don't work, he's probably just a lying asshole who'd rather subject his girlfriend to medical complications than dip his wick in the paraffin encumbered.

The one-size-fits-all idea of condoms is generally sound and backed by years and years of testing. But, it's not always true that they work out like that. Sometimes they're simply too tight around the base. Sometimes they're too tight at the head. Sometimes they're too loose around the shaft. Experiment. It's fun.
posted by Captaintripps at 10:16 AM on December 16, 2006

"Yes, there are men who cannot have sex with a condom on. (Don't ask how I know that.)"

Counterpoint, Konolia: You're inordinately credulous about so many things that it's hard to take you seriously on this. The informal studies I've done have found that every guy can have sex with a condom on, just many prefer not to.

And yeah, sometimes you crap out, but you get a bigger condom or you use a little more lube or you switch brands (Durex seem like fucking in vinyl siding to me, and if I start to deflate even the least, it's over in that condom. Oddly enough, the "Her Pleasure" seem to work best for me, I think because they're supposed to have a little more slack).
posted by klangklangston at 10:56 AM on December 16, 2006