How can I help my parents deal with my dysfunctional sister?

March 3, 2006 10:08 PM

How can I help my parents deal with my dysfunctional sister?

My parents are good, law abiding, salt of the earth people. All their lives they have worked hard and sacrificed so that my sister and I could have a good life. They are now in their sixties, I am in my twenties, and my sister is in her thirties.

My sister has always been troubled. She is not a bad person, per se, but her whole life she has made the worst descisions and associated herself with the worst people. She has been diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder, and for most of her adult life she has abused drugs. Lately, she has been living in her own apartment (which my parents largely pay for) which is more like a slum because she has no credit due to the fact that she is incapable of holding down a job. She gets a check from the government every month for some disability thing.

The problem is, she hangs out (or, in my opinion, is taken advantage of, but I'm not there so I can't know for sure) with a criminal element and is certainly involved in illegal dealings, involving both drugs and crime, possibly gang activity. My poor father recently went over to the town she is in to help her move because she is getting kicked out of her apartment because the manager was "afraid" of the people always around her, and while he was there the cops showed up inquiring about a wanted felon they had reason to believe spent a lot of time in my sister's place and burglaries that were reported with her car as the vehicle.

Sorry for the long lead up, but my question is that I largely think my sister is a lost cause. Everyone in the family has spent time, money, and done everything they can to help her, but she refuses to help herself. It kills me to see my parents, who are such good people, suffering all the time, and I live fairly far away so I am not around to effect anything directly. Besides, I went to college, I hold down a job, and I just don't have the ability to fight off criminals - I'd probably just end up getting myself hurt or killed. I just want to know what I can do to make things any better for my parents. Is there some legal recourse? I am capable of making the hard choices that may leave my sister imprisoned, where most likely she'll be far safer than she is now.

My father is unhealthy enough as it is just from age and the assorted ills that come with it, and I feel like he deserves a happy life without having to worry himself sick to the point where he needs to take tranquilizers to calm down - which he recently began doing. I feel powerless and I hate to see my family suffer. What can I do?

posted by anonymous to human relations (13 comments total)

Anon, I don't think you're going to be able to get your parents to abandon your sister. It sounds like that's what you'd like them to do.

If you're sister is getting disability payments from the government, then she's pretty ill. It's relatively hard to get on disability and you can't just fake your way through it. You don't appear to be sympathetic about the fact that she has a disability. That could make it harder for you to work on the situation with your parents, who remember her a young girl (in likelihood before the symptoms were manifesting), and so are sympathetic.

Given that you live far away, I think it will be hard for you to help much. I also have a sister who is disabled via bipolar disorder, and who is also totally dependent on our dad (79 years old --- mom died many years ago). The thing that I do that helps my dad the most is I keep in touch with my sister. I talk with her on the phone. I visit her occassionally. I treat her like a normal person. We get chinese food and go see a movie.

Perhaps you could be a positive influence on your sister in some way. This needn't involve fighting off criminals. It can just be exposing her to conversation, ideas, situations, and even people who are not criminal. You may not enjoy doing this, especially initially, but you'll need to do a really good job of trying to enjoy it or it won't work. And keep in mind that you're not doing it to enjoy it, you're doing it to help your parents, who changed your diapers for all those years, maybe helped pay for your college, etc.
posted by alms at 10:55 PM on March 3, 2006

Your sister is a sick woman, and your parents are helping her in the way that seems best to them.

Your sister WILL NOT be safer in prison. If you have your sister imprisoned against your parents wishes, I can guarantee you that they will be very upset at you, possibly irrecoverably.

Be nice to your parents. They have a tough job. Talk to them about their problems, just listen to them without imposing your own views on the situation. Help them shoulder the burden.
posted by lemur at 12:59 AM on March 4, 2006

If she is disabled with the bipolar (and the disability checks pretty much confirm that) there might be some group home or apartment facilities for people like her available. A mentally ill friend of mine used to live in an apartment complex run by Mental Health-she had her own small apartment, and there were house rules.

Please understand that your sister has an illness. If it were my child or sister first thing I would do is call County Mental Health and see what services she is eligible for.

I suspect the drug connection has plenty to do with what is known as "self-medicating." Do you know if she has access to her meds (if she is bipolar she darn well better BE on meds.)

(BTW I am bipolar-but for the grace of God there go I....)
posted by konolia at 6:11 AM on March 4, 2006

I can understand your desire to find an instant solution. I have a sibling who also has a psychiatric disorder, and have seen many of the ups and downs that this can bring. My mother is close in age to your parents and she has had to deal with the many challenges that this can bring.

Unfortunately I cannot suggest a solution that will solve your problem instantaneously and similar to other posters, I think sending your sister to prison is not a good idea.

I have some other suggestions which you may or may not be ready for at this time.

Learn as much as you can about the disorders so that you can understand and possibly help your sister. For bipolar disorder, read a book describing what it is truly like to have the disorder from the perspective of a patient (I recommend Kay Jamison's 'Unquiet Mind', but there are other books too). An organization such as NAMI, which provides support for families and people who have a mental health disorder, can also provide you with information and support groups - talking to others may help. I would also suggest literature so that you can understand that there are underlying biological and brain differences - this is not merely a choice that your sibling has made (if you want to find a journal article or two, easy to understand, let me know and I can post the title of an article or two).

Your sister may improve over time. She may never return to a state where she can work full time or live independently, but she may reach a point where she selects better friends, works part time, and enjoys life. To reach this point, she will have to decide that she is ready for the medication and treatment. You cannot make this decision and neither can your parents. However, if she values your opinion and support, you can provide her with information (over and over again) and perhaps, when she is ready, she will obtain and follow through with medical treatment.

I agree with other posters (and have done the same) -provide support to your parents by listening to them. Establish a rapport with your sister. Visit with your sister from time to time or you can even have her visit for a week or two. During this time your parents will not have to worry.

Sadly this will probably be a life long disorder for your sister.
posted by Wolfster at 6:16 AM on March 4, 2006

I disagree with the previous posters. I dealt with something similar with my sister, although not nearly to the degree that you are. And eventually, I had to help my mom put her foot down.

My sister and I were living in a house we owned. Over the course of a year, my sister (20 at the time) fell into a spiral of stealing and lying, and very nearly caused us to be foreclosed on. It wasn't drugs... I think it was just generalized depression. She was doing things like running up $800 psychic hotline phone bills. My mother and I begged her to go to therapy (covered by insurance), she refused. There were many bail-outs, and second chances. Finally, after I discovered that she has stolen and sold my grandmother's wedding ring which I had inherited. That was it. She was out.

I told my mom I was kicking her out and taking her name off the deed. I also told my mom that if we didn't show some tough love now, she would be pulling this shit the rest of her life. I should also say that my sister was on a full-ride disability scholarship (which she eventually lost for flunking) because of Lupus like symptoms, and she would still have "flare-ups".

Being sick DOES NOT excuse people from poor behavior. I gave my sister one months notice, but she was convinced that my mother would not let this happen. My mom was incredibly upset, and it took ongoing conversations about how my sister was on a really dangerous path to convince her this was the right this to do.

On the day my sister was supposed to be out, she hadn't even packed. I was prepared to put her stuff out on the street (I had checked the legalities). My mom couldn't go as far as that, so she did drive down and helped pack up my sister's stuff and put it in storage. But my sister was in effect "homeless". Her boyfriend ended up taking her in for a couple of months until she could get back in a dorm.

It was an incredibly tough time for my family. My sister blamed my mom for letting this happen, even though I had pushed the issue. But we never stopped talking. And things eventually got better.

10 years later, my sister has been living successfully on her own, has just finished a bachelor's, is starting a career, and looking at grad school. And she admits that what we did was right thing to do.
posted by kimdog at 6:30 AM on March 4, 2006

kimdog: I have bipolar, and I agree that being ill does not excuse behavior.

But I also understand in having this illness that it will be difficult for the sister to change her ways at this point. It sounds like she has many other influences in her life beyond the parents, and pulling the parental help, while making things more difficult for her, will not make her current lifestyle impossible to continue.

Since she is on disability, she qualifies for low cost housing. I have known many people with bipolar who are on disability and living in subsidized housing, and are getting along just fine without taking handouts. Some of them continued managing to afford drugs and living a lifestyle similar to your sister's. Removing your parent's funding is not a guaranteed fix.

From what I have seen and understand about this illness, there are no guarantees when it comes to trying to help the affected person. It's a selfish illness, and the person will only be able to change if they see some advantage in it for themselves. If something you do triggers this enlightenment, that's great. But as for your parents helping or not helping, I am unsure that this will have an impact.

I do hope, as konolia said, that she is on meds, but judging from her behavior I bet she's not. It sounds like she is self-medicating with the drugs. Every case of this is individual and so I cannot give you more specific advice, other than to try and find the angle that shows your sister it benefits her most (immediately, not long term) to get clean and take care of herself.
posted by veronitron at 6:55 AM on March 4, 2006

"I am capable of making the hard choices that may leave my sister imprisoned, where most likely she'll be far safer than she is now."

Just to be clear here, are you asking for ways to get your sister imprisoned?
posted by orthogonality at 8:48 AM on March 4, 2006

Are they in a support group? Here's a link for a website with an online support group and a lot of other info. Talking to and reading about others who are in the same situation may be helpful. It looks like there is more info out there, that's just the first link that looked likely when I did a search for: Bipolar disorder support groups parent. Possibly there are support groups in their area as well.
Good luck.
posted by BoscosMom at 8:57 AM on March 4, 2006

orthogonality: I think Anon's question is neatly resumed in the title.

Anon,
I think that sometimes we all wish we had different families. In mine too, we have an individual who is incapable of holding down a job, of getting any degree, of interacting in a normal way with people. And often it pisses us off, because the rest of us went to work in high-school, we forged a life, a family, we're fiercely independent; and this individual can be a 40 y.o. child/unpredictable psycho which scares us all.
But, it comes down to this: we all help out with dealing with this person. It kills us, yes. But that's what we do. We all pitch in to pay M.'s bills (M. can't deal with money), we call M. to make sure everything's ok, we drive hundreds of miles to pick M. up to come back for Thanksgiving or Christmas (M. freaks out in a car)... through thick or thin, we take care of our own. Simply because we're family, and it could have been me, and I would have wanted my family to help me live my life.
So the best way to help your parents, is to shift some of the burden on to yourself. This is not the answer you want to hear.. it's so much easier to lock her up and forget about her. I know.
But you're family, and your parents are old.
So chip in to help her find an apartment. To get her enrolled in a community college or somewhere where she can spend the working hours (Art classes worked wonders on M.). Drive to see her on at least a monthly basis, take her out for dinner and movies. Pay attention to what going on in her life, meet her friends, get her to meet your friends, invite her over to your place for some time, include her into your life.

(On preview, this is what the majority have said)
posted by ruelle at 12:19 PM on March 4, 2006

It's not clear that your parents asked for help from your question. I get the feeling they didn't, and that they don't share your view that your sister is a lost cause.

Everyone deserves a happy life, but sometimes people don't get what they want. It may be that if your parents gave up on your sister, they'd feel worse than they do currently. In any event, it's probably not your place to tell them how to think or to behave with regard to your sister; it can certainly be your place to be a supportive listener, keep in touch with them, and if they take on something that seems too big, maybe offer some help in a non-judgmental way.

That can be a tall order when it comes to parents, though; if you can do that you're above and beyond the call of duty.
posted by ikkyu2 at 12:43 PM on March 4, 2006

Just want to say thanks for posting this thread (to everyone). It made me feel a sigh of relief about the situation with my sister (who's been living with us for 9 months rent-free, with her 2 small children whose father is an abusive cokehead who can't even hold down a fast food job). It really helps just to know you're not alone....
posted by mojabunni at 1:39 PM on March 4, 2006

Your story doesn't add up. For instance, your father,
(who's supposedly on tranquilizers) actually goes over to help your sister and yet your position on this is that you're too scared of being killed by drug dealers if you were to go help her. It sounds stange. What's even stranger is that you feel she's better off locked up in prison just to reduce your father's stress. Weird.
posted by GoodJob! at 8:48 AM on March 5, 2006

Ask your parents...

My guess is that if they are still trying to help her in the midst of all this drama that surrounds your sister, they will attempt to crawl off their own deathbed if they think it will help her. [There must be something about birthing and raising a child that drives you to see the good inside something that seems so bad]
posted by iurodivii at 1:42 PM on March 6, 2006