Girlfriend Advice
February 22, 2006 11:43 AM Subscribe
My (ex)girlfriend wants to just be friends. She says it is just a phase and that she still loves me. What should I do?
She is young (20) and needs to get out and experience life. We have dated on and off for 3 years and have an amazing connection that we both recognize is extremely unique. However, she says she does not want a serious relationship and is not sure about our future. While I am not 100% sure about our future, I do know that I love her more than anything and would do anything to be with her.
I respect and understand her need to have her independence during this time in her life, but really want to be with her. She went on a date the other night and it was tough on me. Even though she called and left a message and wanted to hang out as soon as she got home saying how the date made her realize her feelings for me she still wants, understandably, to not have a serious relationship right now.
The problem is I am not sure how to act. I want to still hang out with her and "date" her, which she is open to, but it is very hard to see her want to date others. I am a one girl guy and have no desire to date other girls even though I have the opportunity to do so.
Any ideas? Suggestions?
She is young (20) and needs to get out and experience life. We have dated on and off for 3 years and have an amazing connection that we both recognize is extremely unique. However, she says she does not want a serious relationship and is not sure about our future. While I am not 100% sure about our future, I do know that I love her more than anything and would do anything to be with her.
I respect and understand her need to have her independence during this time in her life, but really want to be with her. She went on a date the other night and it was tough on me. Even though she called and left a message and wanted to hang out as soon as she got home saying how the date made her realize her feelings for me she still wants, understandably, to not have a serious relationship right now.
The problem is I am not sure how to act. I want to still hang out with her and "date" her, which she is open to, but it is very hard to see her want to date others. I am a one girl guy and have no desire to date other girls even though I have the opportunity to do so.
Any ideas? Suggestions?
What should you do? Realise it's almost certainly over, I'm afraid. And decide how much pain you can stand. Then decide whether you want to go through the tired old routine of playing at "just friends" with someone you're really pining for. This gets to be particularly trying when she starts shagging someone else, as she surely will.
Let it go, stop seeing her, accept the pain. On the slim chance that she changes her mind and starts to think she's made a mistake this will accelerate and facilitate the process far more than continuing to see her as a "friend" when you both know you're really not satisfied with that.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I'm old.
posted by Decani at 11:57 AM on February 22, 2006 [1 favorite]
Let it go, stop seeing her, accept the pain. On the slim chance that she changes her mind and starts to think she's made a mistake this will accelerate and facilitate the process far more than continuing to see her as a "friend" when you both know you're really not satisfied with that.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I'm old.
posted by Decani at 11:57 AM on February 22, 2006 [1 favorite]
Clean break -- don't do the "just friends" thing unless you feel the same way. She wants to use you as a fallback and you're going to be the one to suffer for it. Just break it off clean and look for other women, when you're ready.
posted by jzb at 11:59 AM on February 22, 2006
posted by jzb at 11:59 AM on February 22, 2006
Often people, especially those at age 20, will say they want to be friends and date when really they recognize it's over. They say this because they don't want to hurt your feelings, or haven't quite figured out their own.
Stay in touch, you never know how it will work out in the end! But for now you're best off making a break.
posted by chaz at 11:59 AM on February 22, 2006
Stay in touch, you never know how it will work out in the end! But for now you're best off making a break.
posted by chaz at 11:59 AM on February 22, 2006
This will not end well. People are going to weigh in with all sorts of complicated advice that you'll never really follow and wouldn't work if you did, but you're going to want to believe it because you're in love.
However, I have harsh advice. Break off contact and start getting over her now because you've already lost her. Once they leave, they almost never come back and they don't stay long if they do. Also, everyone who hears this says that it won't apply to them. I'll bet that you're telling yourself that I'm not describing how your relationship will unfold as you're reading this. Good luck.
posted by Mayor Curley at 11:59 AM on February 22, 2006
However, I have harsh advice. Break off contact and start getting over her now because you've already lost her. Once they leave, they almost never come back and they don't stay long if they do. Also, everyone who hears this says that it won't apply to them. I'll bet that you're telling yourself that I'm not describing how your relationship will unfold as you're reading this. Good luck.
posted by Mayor Curley at 11:59 AM on February 22, 2006
I think she's not the only one who needs space. It's not a good for either of you to be in a pseudo-relationship where she still gets the same level of companionship and tells you everything (especially about dates with other people!!!!) while not actually having to commit to being your girlfriend. Stay in contact with her if you want, but I really suggest that you limit that contact severely. Perhaps you only call or email once every two weeks and see each other once a month.
posted by orange swan at 11:59 AM on February 22, 2006
posted by orange swan at 11:59 AM on February 22, 2006
This sucks! I'm sorry.
One thing for sure: There's NO WAY you can change her mind and make her be your girlfriend. If you try, you will just push her away.
ONLY hang out with her if you can accept this. If you can't, you'll either live in turmoil or passive-aggressively push her to get back with you (or try to make her feel guilty). This will all backfire on you.
So hang out with her if you think you can really do so as JUST a friends. In your shoes, I couldn't, but maybe you're more mature than me.
If you can't do this, take a break from her. Tell her that you respect her decision but have to look out for yourself. Then REALLY take a break. And that means (at least) a YEAR -- not two weeks.
Either absence will make the heart grow fonder, and she'll come back to you. Or you will both move on. After which you will -- hopefully -- be able to resume the friendship.
posted by grumblebee at 12:00 PM on February 22, 2006
One thing for sure: There's NO WAY you can change her mind and make her be your girlfriend. If you try, you will just push her away.
ONLY hang out with her if you can accept this. If you can't, you'll either live in turmoil or passive-aggressively push her to get back with you (or try to make her feel guilty). This will all backfire on you.
So hang out with her if you think you can really do so as JUST a friends. In your shoes, I couldn't, but maybe you're more mature than me.
If you can't do this, take a break from her. Tell her that you respect her decision but have to look out for yourself. Then REALLY take a break. And that means (at least) a YEAR -- not two weeks.
Either absence will make the heart grow fonder, and she'll come back to you. Or you will both move on. After which you will -- hopefully -- be able to resume the friendship.
posted by grumblebee at 12:00 PM on February 22, 2006
I'm siding with Mayor Curley. She broke up you; she can pad it however she wants, but that's what she did. The rest is just meaningless wordage. It really sucks, I'm sorry, but you've got to move on.
posted by JanetLand at 12:04 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by JanetLand at 12:04 PM on February 22, 2006
Here is an exercise for you: picture her having kinky sex with someone else and enjoying it intensely. Then imagine meeting her for brunch 6 hours later and having a pleasant conversation.
When this picture doesn't move you whatsoever emotionally, then maybe, maybe, you will have a shot at being friends without it totally screwing with your psyche.
posted by drpynchon at 12:04 PM on February 22, 2006 [1 favorite]
When this picture doesn't move you whatsoever emotionally, then maybe, maybe, you will have a shot at being friends without it totally screwing with your psyche.
posted by drpynchon at 12:04 PM on February 22, 2006 [1 favorite]
You can't just date her, or just be her friend. The best option for now, for the foreseeable future, is no contact whatsoever - no calls, no texts, no emails. I'm sorry.
posted by KAS at 12:10 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by KAS at 12:10 PM on February 22, 2006
As others have said: It's over.
I think it is especially over if you hang out on the side as her friend. Meaning, if you want to provide even a small chance of you two ever getting back, you need to strike out on your own.
But that means, in either case, you should behave in exactly the same way. Don't be her friend, unless by some small chance you fit the criteria drpynchon mentioned above. It will only get worse.
posted by vacapinta at 12:13 PM on February 22, 2006
I think it is especially over if you hang out on the side as her friend. Meaning, if you want to provide even a small chance of you two ever getting back, you need to strike out on your own.
But that means, in either case, you should behave in exactly the same way. Don't be her friend, unless by some small chance you fit the criteria drpynchon mentioned above. It will only get worse.
posted by vacapinta at 12:13 PM on February 22, 2006
This almost never works unless you weren't really emotionally involved in the first place. Just move on.
posted by caddis at 12:14 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by caddis at 12:14 PM on February 22, 2006
Speaking from experience, I know that being in limbo is absolutley gut-wrenching. As hard as it is to believe, it's actually better to face the fact that it's over and, yes, it's going to hurt like hell for a good long while. There is no way around the heartbreak, but it will eventually turn to healing.
Break off all contact. Again, I know exactly how excruciating and even impossible that sounds. But again: there's really no way around it. Of course, you may eventually be able to be friends down the road (like months or, more likely, years), but you can't be just friends now.
Take care of yourself. Find friends whose shoulder(s) you can cry on. Eat well, get enough sleep, exercise. They'll all help keep you well through the heartbreak.
posted by scody at 12:18 PM on February 22, 2006
Break off all contact. Again, I know exactly how excruciating and even impossible that sounds. But again: there's really no way around it. Of course, you may eventually be able to be friends down the road (like months or, more likely, years), but you can't be just friends now.
Take care of yourself. Find friends whose shoulder(s) you can cry on. Eat well, get enough sleep, exercise. They'll all help keep you well through the heartbreak.
posted by scody at 12:18 PM on February 22, 2006
I'm also siding with Mayor Curley. It sounds like it is over. By playing this game, she is making this easier on yourself, and by playing along, you are making it harder on you. Time to protect yourself and break off all contact.
"Everything will work itself out one day, but not all in one day." I'm sorry.
posted by samh23 at 12:20 PM on February 22, 2006
"Everything will work itself out one day, but not all in one day." I'm sorry.
posted by samh23 at 12:20 PM on February 22, 2006
Argh. "she is making this easier on herself, and by playing along, you are making it harder on you"
posted by samh23 at 12:21 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by samh23 at 12:21 PM on February 22, 2006
Younger women love to pull the friends thing. It's insulting, deceptive and a cheap way to try and get out of a relationship. Ugh.
posted by DieHipsterDie at 12:21 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by DieHipsterDie at 12:21 PM on February 22, 2006
I'm sorry, but it sounds over and like the best thing for both of you would be a clean break.
posted by OmieWise at 12:24 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by OmieWise at 12:24 PM on February 22, 2006
If your birthday comes before her, tell her you are good and close friends. When you get a gift, leave and move on. If you love her, let her free. If she comes back, put her in bondage.
As all have said: missed one bus get the one coming down the road very soon.
posted by Postroad at 12:40 PM on February 22, 2006
As all have said: missed one bus get the one coming down the road very soon.
posted by Postroad at 12:40 PM on February 22, 2006
If you're firm (but respectful) about cutting off contact with her, it is just possible that she'll miss you after a while and ask you to take her back. This has happened to me. Let her mess around with you and she'll lose any respect for you which will pretty much kill your chances forever.
Take care, dude. In my experience the feeling of loss after a breakup is not as bad as the uncertainty and jealousy you're dealing with now.
posted by teleskiving at 12:41 PM on February 22, 2006
Take care, dude. In my experience the feeling of loss after a breakup is not as bad as the uncertainty and jealousy you're dealing with now.
posted by teleskiving at 12:41 PM on February 22, 2006
I am just adding my voice to all these others. It is unfair of her to want to be free and experiment while unconsciously trying to keep you near. She is very young and she is afraid to just end it. By trying to stay in her life and be friends, you are allowing her to try out other guys with no repercussions. You need to cut all ties. This will seem almost impossible. You will most likely obsess about her, and give in to the urge to reconnect with her, but I'm old, and I have been through this a dozen times. I have friends who are old and I have seen them go through this a dozen times and I can tell youthis NEVER works out in favor of the dumpee. Never. There are very few things in life that I could make such an absolute statement about. So, try to take that in.
Consciously, the dumper may actually believe that they "just want a break", but the truth is, they don't. They want a pain free and seamless transition to their next lover.
posted by generic230 at 12:42 PM on February 22, 2006 [1 favorite]
Consciously, the dumper may actually believe that they "just want a break", but the truth is, they don't. They want a pain free and seamless transition to their next lover.
posted by generic230 at 12:42 PM on February 22, 2006 [1 favorite]
I've had this happen to me several times and only once did it work out where we actually got back together.
And how I did it was by not letting myself be placed in the friendship category.
The question is: what do you want? If you want to be with her, then are you willing to suffer the pain and suffering that comes with her putting you as just friends, then you might get back with her. But you won't get back with her by accepting her "just friends" attitude. Don't let her put you there. Be firm and tell her what you want. If you keep in contact with her and she talks about being friends, tell her you want something more. Don't settle for just being friends. Keep reminding her that you want a relationship with her.
If it gets too hard, then just end it and walk away. If she wants to talk to you about other guys, remind her that you don't want to hear that because you want to be with her. If she talks about all the amazing dates and fun she's having, remind her what you want.
Just be firm and know that it's going to be a living hell to go through this and that it might not work out. But it's worth a shot if you really want to be with her.
posted by Stynxno at 12:47 PM on February 22, 2006
And how I did it was by not letting myself be placed in the friendship category.
The question is: what do you want? If you want to be with her, then are you willing to suffer the pain and suffering that comes with her putting you as just friends, then you might get back with her. But you won't get back with her by accepting her "just friends" attitude. Don't let her put you there. Be firm and tell her what you want. If you keep in contact with her and she talks about being friends, tell her you want something more. Don't settle for just being friends. Keep reminding her that you want a relationship with her.
If it gets too hard, then just end it and walk away. If she wants to talk to you about other guys, remind her that you don't want to hear that because you want to be with her. If she talks about all the amazing dates and fun she's having, remind her what you want.
Just be firm and know that it's going to be a living hell to go through this and that it might not work out. But it's worth a shot if you really want to be with her.
posted by Stynxno at 12:47 PM on February 22, 2006
Clean break. There's no way to do this without her totally fucking you over emotionally and basically exploiting you. If you don't talk to her for a year, and she decides that she loves you, and calls you and tells you this, you can think about it then.
posted by rxrfrx at 12:47 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by rxrfrx at 12:47 PM on February 22, 2006
She is young (20) . . . [we] have an amazing connection that we both recognize is extremely unique.
At the risk of being harsh, consider the possibility this connection is neither as unique or strong as you think.
posted by yerfatma at 12:50 PM on February 22, 2006
At the risk of being harsh, consider the possibility this connection is neither as unique or strong as you think.
posted by yerfatma at 12:50 PM on February 22, 2006
You don't need to break off all contact or let yourself be tortured. This isn't an either/or thing. The essential problem here is that you and she have very different expectations about the relationship. This is a big problem but it's not insurmountable. In your case, I'd suggest a sort of trial period. Ask her to commit to the relationship fully for six months. If, at the end of six months, she's still unsure about the future and is eager to look elsewhere then that'll be that and there'll be a clean break.
Really, I suspect you're both just unsure about each other. If you've only been dating "off and on" for so long then you can't expect her to really believe you when you say you love her. Similarly, since she's so young, you have your own doubts. The best bet is for both of you to either give the relationship your 100% and see how things work out or just break things off now.
Definitely don't do the waiting-in-the-wings thing. If she's not willing to commit 100% for even a short amount of time then there's not enough there and you have to move on.
posted by nixerman at 12:51 PM on February 22, 2006
Really, I suspect you're both just unsure about each other. If you've only been dating "off and on" for so long then you can't expect her to really believe you when you say you love her. Similarly, since she's so young, you have your own doubts. The best bet is for both of you to either give the relationship your 100% and see how things work out or just break things off now.
Definitely don't do the waiting-in-the-wings thing. If she's not willing to commit 100% for even a short amount of time then there's not enough there and you have to move on.
posted by nixerman at 12:51 PM on February 22, 2006
Ask her to commit to the relationship fully for six months. If, at the end of six months, she's still unsure about the future and is eager to look elsewhere then that'll be that and there'll be a clean break.
I'm sorry, but that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. You want to him to ask someone who's dumping him (basically because she wants to screw other guys) to "commit fully" for 6 months to a relationship? And a 20 year old girl, at that?
posted by drpynchon at 1:04 PM on February 22, 2006
I'm sorry, but that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. You want to him to ask someone who's dumping him (basically because she wants to screw other guys) to "commit fully" for 6 months to a relationship? And a 20 year old girl, at that?
posted by drpynchon at 1:04 PM on February 22, 2006
Yeah, if she's already going on dates with other people, she's essentially given her answer to the "do you want to commit fully, even for six months" question. And that answer -- whether she's able to own up to it in so many words or not -- is no.
posted by scody at 1:10 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by scody at 1:10 PM on February 22, 2006
Add me to the chorus. You may be able to be friends again, down the line - I've done it - but not without a clean break. For at least 6 months. No calling her, no emails, certainly no "I love you but..."s.
As it is now, this is not a friendship. This is you pining for her and trying to stay close to her. It will not work. It is not a friendship.
posted by gaspode at 1:12 PM on February 22, 2006
As it is now, this is not a friendship. This is you pining for her and trying to stay close to her. It will not work. It is not a friendship.
posted by gaspode at 1:12 PM on February 22, 2006
In your case, I'd suggest a sort of trial period. Ask her to commit to the relationship fully for six months.
Whatever you do, make sure it's not this. Go to the gym, the library, start a project, whatever, just stay away from her unless you want to make it worse. The chances that this relationship is over permanently are well over 99%. Sorry, but you may as well start acting like it's already said and done with.
The only creatures dumber than 20 year-old girls are 20 year-old guys. Remember this and you will do well. Good luck.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 1:12 PM on February 22, 2006
Whatever you do, make sure it's not this. Go to the gym, the library, start a project, whatever, just stay away from her unless you want to make it worse. The chances that this relationship is over permanently are well over 99%. Sorry, but you may as well start acting like it's already said and done with.
The only creatures dumber than 20 year-old girls are 20 year-old guys. Remember this and you will do well. Good luck.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 1:12 PM on February 22, 2006
ok...let's say she's not dating other guys...and let's say they're married, and she wants to take a break...and she's mid-20s...
then does this advice still apply?
posted by Baby_Balrog at 1:17 PM on February 22, 2006
then does this advice still apply?
posted by Baby_Balrog at 1:17 PM on February 22, 2006
drpynchon, take a moment to consider that your particular view of the problem may not be correct. You take the cynical, pessimistic view that his girlfriend just wants to fuck other guys, but instead of just dumping him and doing so, she would also like to torture him a bit on the side. Fine. That's your view and it's probably wrong since real life is never that simple, but whatever, you're entitiled to it.
My view is that neither party of the relationship is that sure about the other. Neither party has committed 100% to the relationship. This is often what's going on when one party brings up the 'let's take a break' bit. My advice is for both of them to stop dating on and off and fully commit to the relationship to determine, once and for all, to see if the relationship has a future. It makes sense because if there really is something there then it's something worth fighting for.
posted by nixerman at 1:17 PM on February 22, 2006
My view is that neither party of the relationship is that sure about the other. Neither party has committed 100% to the relationship. This is often what's going on when one party brings up the 'let's take a break' bit. My advice is for both of them to stop dating on and off and fully commit to the relationship to determine, once and for all, to see if the relationship has a future. It makes sense because if there really is something there then it's something worth fighting for.
posted by nixerman at 1:17 PM on February 22, 2006
Move on. I don't completely discount the possibility that the two of you will wind up back together at some future point, but odds are against it. You need to start dating other women yourself, and not just to distract yourself but allowing for the possibility that you'll meet someone else.
You do not need to completely break off contact, but you should keep her at arm's length for a while. An occasional e-mail or phone call when there's something interesting in your life. After a while (perhaps 3 months, perhaps a year), you can raise your quota of contact with this girl and see how that goes. Maybe you really will be great friends and you'll really be happy with that, but you don't want to try to segue into that immediatel. Maybe she'll have had enough bad luck dating that she feels like she wants to get more serious with you.
posted by adamrice at 1:22 PM on February 22, 2006
You do not need to completely break off contact, but you should keep her at arm's length for a while. An occasional e-mail or phone call when there's something interesting in your life. After a while (perhaps 3 months, perhaps a year), you can raise your quota of contact with this girl and see how that goes. Maybe you really will be great friends and you'll really be happy with that, but you don't want to try to segue into that immediatel. Maybe she'll have had enough bad luck dating that she feels like she wants to get more serious with you.
posted by adamrice at 1:22 PM on February 22, 2006
This kind of limbo will only break your heart. Let her go for a while; call her up in a few months and see what's up. You can't be best friends with someone and not hear about their dating/love life.
Yup, just check in every month or so to make sure she hasn't moved or whatever. Really this kind of thing will be like poking yourself with a needle over and over again.
It's like a bandage, yank it off quick and you'll be way better off.
(not that you'll actually listen to any of us)
posted by delmoi at 1:25 PM on February 22, 2006
Yup, just check in every month or so to make sure she hasn't moved or whatever. Really this kind of thing will be like poking yourself with a needle over and over again.
It's like a bandage, yank it off quick and you'll be way better off.
(not that you'll actually listen to any of us)
posted by delmoi at 1:25 PM on February 22, 2006
Agreed on the you need to let her go sentiment. There's nothing worse than being in contact with your ex with there are still feelings involved. When/If she starts dating again, you will be there analyzing every choice she makes. It will become much harder to deal with. Take some time and sort things out for yourself. When/If you are ready to put your feelings aside, then you make your decision.
posted by se7encrows at 1:26 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by se7encrows at 1:26 PM on February 22, 2006
Yeah, if you actualy want to be friends, cut off contact for a while, like 6 months, for your feelings to dissapate. Then get in contact with her. You can't be friends with her while you're in love with her, and you can't fall out of love with her if you guys hang out all the time.
posted by delmoi at 1:30 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by delmoi at 1:30 PM on February 22, 2006
I must say, as others have and as I have several times before: clean break. It's the only way.
If you don't do it now, you'll learn the hard way (which, as delmoi just implied, is probably what will happen anyway...because no one actually listens to relationship advice).
posted by lampoil at 1:30 PM on February 22, 2006
If you don't do it now, you'll learn the hard way (which, as delmoi just implied, is probably what will happen anyway...because no one actually listens to relationship advice).
posted by lampoil at 1:30 PM on February 22, 2006
nixerman: drpynchon, take a moment to consider that your particular view of the problem may not be correct. You take the cynical, pessimistic view that his girlfriend just wants to fuck other guys, but instead of just dumping him and doing so, she would also like to torture him a bit on the side.
You don't have to see it so cynically to agree that the OP needs to make a clean break from her. Having once been a 20-year-old girl myself, I think she just may not possess the self-awareness to realize that it's over (wanting to date other guys + still having residual feelings for ex-boyfriend = dramatic confusion that leads to dragging out relationship well past its expiration date), much less the courage and/or assertiveness simply to call it off for good.
Yet the fact remains: she is already indicating in word and in deed that she doesn't want to commit to this relationship. I've been on both ends of this equation before, and just because someone doesn't have the ability (for whatever reason) to say "it's over" doesn't mean it's not, y'know, over.
posted by scody at 1:33 PM on February 22, 2006
You don't have to see it so cynically to agree that the OP needs to make a clean break from her. Having once been a 20-year-old girl myself, I think she just may not possess the self-awareness to realize that it's over (wanting to date other guys + still having residual feelings for ex-boyfriend = dramatic confusion that leads to dragging out relationship well past its expiration date), much less the courage and/or assertiveness simply to call it off for good.
Yet the fact remains: she is already indicating in word and in deed that she doesn't want to commit to this relationship. I've been on both ends of this equation before, and just because someone doesn't have the ability (for whatever reason) to say "it's over" doesn't mean it's not, y'know, over.
posted by scody at 1:33 PM on February 22, 2006
By that, I mean, it's not in your best interest to sit around and wait for her, which is exactly what you'd be doing and probably will do. She's obviously very confused, and you're not. Break things off, move on, find someone else, sooner than later. Sometime in the future she might have her head screwed on straight. Maybe not.
Take it from someone who's thought they had something unique and special and all that bullshit. It's not special. It's not unique.
Key point is that you deserve someone sane.
posted by cellphone at 1:40 PM on February 22, 2006
Take it from someone who's thought they had something unique and special and all that bullshit. It's not special. It's not unique.
Key point is that you deserve someone sane.
posted by cellphone at 1:40 PM on February 22, 2006
While I wouldn't be quite as negative as most of the other posters, I more or less agree with them that you have to make a real break. I don't think that means that you have to have zero contact with her, but you cannot be hang out together or have long talks etc. (You can send her a birthday card). If there's any chance for the two of you, she'll have to decide that she misses you enough to make a committment to get you back, and that's never going to happen if there's no reason for her to miss you. And you can't count on her coming to that conclusion under any circumstances, so you have to push yourself to get on with your life. And I mean get on with your life; don't decide that you are just testing her by staying away, because you will end up going insane doing it that way. Maybe she'll evolve and change her mind down the road, but you'll have gone down a different path by that point and as a result you may no longer believe that she is the one.
posted by spira at 1:41 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by spira at 1:41 PM on February 22, 2006
One more vote for the DTMFA pile.
Don't just take a break and wait to see if she comes back... actually break up. Actually try to find another girlfriend.
Maybe someday you'll end up with her again, maybe not, but live your life as though the latter is the only possibility.
posted by I Love Tacos at 2:19 PM on February 22, 2006
Don't just take a break and wait to see if she comes back... actually break up. Actually try to find another girlfriend.
Maybe someday you'll end up with her again, maybe not, but live your life as though the latter is the only possibility.
posted by I Love Tacos at 2:19 PM on February 22, 2006
And yeah, I've made good friends with a small number of my ex's, but they all involved breaking up for real, finding other people, and only talking/emailing again after more than a year or two of non-contact.
posted by I Love Tacos at 2:21 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by I Love Tacos at 2:21 PM on February 22, 2006
You could try a "Grand gesture". It could renew your relationship, or...it would force her hand and get her to brutally crush your heart and reject you completely. That second one has always been how it worked out for me. On the plus side, you have a few months of 2 am crying drunk calls to look forward too.
posted by Megafly at 2:42 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by Megafly at 2:42 PM on February 22, 2006
It depends. I really do prefer the slow pain of taking off the band-aid centimeter by agonizing centimeter. Most people prefer to tear that fucker right off and get it over with.
Which kind are you?
posted by birdie birdington at 2:42 PM on February 22, 2006
Which kind are you?
posted by birdie birdington at 2:42 PM on February 22, 2006
delmoi said: You can't be friends with her while you're in love with her
Having been through something fairly similar in the past few months, I agree. Well, you could try, but it's going to hurt like hell. Don't be not friends, don't be explicitly unfriendly to each other, but give it space and time. You'll thank yourself when you're not going crazy hearing about other men.
Good luck, I know how tough this must be.
posted by girlwonder at 2:44 PM on February 22, 2006
Having been through something fairly similar in the past few months, I agree. Well, you could try, but it's going to hurt like hell. Don't be not friends, don't be explicitly unfriendly to each other, but give it space and time. You'll thank yourself when you're not going crazy hearing about other men.
Good luck, I know how tough this must be.
posted by girlwonder at 2:44 PM on February 22, 2006
Clean break +1. Imagine "just being friends" when she brings some new shlub to a party? Ungh. Clean break, split up the friends for a few months, then slowly introduce contact again after you've gone from love to loathe to live and let live.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 2:51 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by robocop is bleeding at 2:51 PM on February 22, 2006
The dump her and move on advice is probably best, but just to offer an alternative view, I did become good friends with an ex-girlfriend.
No romance, but genuine bring-me-soup-when-I'm-sick caring. Its a strange place to be, no use worrying about modesty when dressing because we've already seen it.
But if sexual obsession were involved, it would be torture. I wouldn't want to smell the steak if I was hungry and couldn't have some.
posted by StickyCarpet at 2:51 PM on February 22, 2006
No romance, but genuine bring-me-soup-when-I'm-sick caring. Its a strange place to be, no use worrying about modesty when dressing because we've already seen it.
But if sexual obsession were involved, it would be torture. I wouldn't want to smell the steak if I was hungry and couldn't have some.
posted by StickyCarpet at 2:51 PM on February 22, 2006
drpynchon, take a moment to consider that your particular view of the problem may not be correct. You take the cynical, pessimistic view that his girlfriend just wants to fuck other guys, but instead of just dumping him and doing so, she would also like to torture him a bit on the side. Fine. That's your view and it's probably wrong since real life is never that simple, but whatever, you're entitiled to it.
Don't put words in my mouth. That's not my view at all, except for the wanting to fuck other guys part. People don't try to pull this 'still be friends' stunt to be jerks and torture others. They do it because they think inaccurately that it's a nicer way to break up. Or to take less responsibility for their actions and avoid owning up to the fact that they might be breaking someone's heart. Or perhaps she wants to continue to be the object of his loving attention without reciprocating. Whatever it is, it's immature and disingenuous, but generally not meant to be spiteful.
That said, she does most likely want to fuck other guys, and there is nothing cynical or pessimistic about accepting that. It's all euphemisms here. Call it dating if it makes you feel better.
posted by drpynchon at 2:59 PM on February 22, 2006
Don't put words in my mouth. That's not my view at all, except for the wanting to fuck other guys part. People don't try to pull this 'still be friends' stunt to be jerks and torture others. They do it because they think inaccurately that it's a nicer way to break up. Or to take less responsibility for their actions and avoid owning up to the fact that they might be breaking someone's heart. Or perhaps she wants to continue to be the object of his loving attention without reciprocating. Whatever it is, it's immature and disingenuous, but generally not meant to be spiteful.
That said, she does most likely want to fuck other guys, and there is nothing cynical or pessimistic about accepting that. It's all euphemisms here. Call it dating if it makes you feel better.
posted by drpynchon at 2:59 PM on February 22, 2006
My pseudo-scientific rule of thumb is that it takes 1/2 the length of the relationship to get over it. Break off all contact until the time has passed, and only then decide if it is worth exploring the possibility of a friendship.
posted by Manjusri at 3:03 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by Manjusri at 3:03 PM on February 22, 2006
I think everyone has pretty much said everything on this topic already. I'll just add my version of the same response.
"Just being friends" only works if both parties are completely and 100% over each other and neither has absolutely any desire to be together. It also requires that some significant time has passed since the two people were together as a couple. So in this case, neither of those things is true so there is zero hope of this working out the way you want it to. You're going to have to cut this person out of your life, at least for right now.
posted by Rhomboid at 3:13 PM on February 22, 2006
"Just being friends" only works if both parties are completely and 100% over each other and neither has absolutely any desire to be together. It also requires that some significant time has passed since the two people were together as a couple. So in this case, neither of those things is true so there is zero hope of this working out the way you want it to. You're going to have to cut this person out of your life, at least for right now.
posted by Rhomboid at 3:13 PM on February 22, 2006
Say and do whatever it takes to get her into bed again. Then burn your bridges. That, or get used to playing relationship counselor for her while she complains about her new boyfriend.
posted by mullingitover at 3:35 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by mullingitover at 3:35 PM on February 22, 2006
What everybody else said. Dump her and move on. If the relationship was meant to be, you'll hook up again when the time's right.
Of course, most opinions here are based on bitter experience and you haven't had that experience yet. So despite what we all say, I expect you'll carry on being friends until the pain of her getting jiggy with other men gets so bad you just can't take it any more. Then, in years to come, you'll be able to offer the benefit of your experience to any 20 year old who won't listen to your advice, but has to experience it for himself.
And so the world goes round.......
posted by hmca at 3:59 PM on February 22, 2006
Of course, most opinions here are based on bitter experience and you haven't had that experience yet. So despite what we all say, I expect you'll carry on being friends until the pain of her getting jiggy with other men gets so bad you just can't take it any more. Then, in years to come, you'll be able to offer the benefit of your experience to any 20 year old who won't listen to your advice, but has to experience it for himself.
And so the world goes round.......
posted by hmca at 3:59 PM on February 22, 2006
Tell her that the change in status has made it difficult and that although you still love her, you don't know if you are still "in love with her." Indicate that you think that you guys should see other people and that to make it easier for both of you to move on and grow, that you should spend some time apart. If she asks if she can call you, say "of course." If she asks about what that means for seeing one another say that you aren't sure but it will work itself out.
After that, DO NOT CALL HER FOR THREE (3) MONTHS. Then call to say hi. If she calls return her calls and stay non-committal. If she wants to do something, say you don't feel up to it for at least a month.
Meanwhile, while being safe, sleep with anything that moves.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:03 PM on February 22, 2006
After that, DO NOT CALL HER FOR THREE (3) MONTHS. Then call to say hi. If she calls return her calls and stay non-committal. If she wants to do something, say you don't feel up to it for at least a month.
Meanwhile, while being safe, sleep with anything that moves.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:03 PM on February 22, 2006
also, your connection is not "unique." Realzing that is the best thing you can do for yoursef.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:07 PM on February 22, 2006
posted by Ironmouth at 4:07 PM on February 22, 2006
Christ. It's rare to see such agreement in a relationship thread.
They're right, though. "amazing, unique connection" and "dating other guys" don't go together. One of them isn't true.
posted by blag at 4:19 PM on February 22, 2006
They're right, though. "amazing, unique connection" and "dating other guys" don't go together. One of them isn't true.
posted by blag at 4:19 PM on February 22, 2006
Sorry, let me clarify that. This is her way of telling you that it's over while at the same time clumsily trying to spare your feelings. But make no mistake about it; for her, it's over.
But again, not like you'll listen to any of this. You'll continue to listen to only the positive stuff in the hopes that it's not over.
You hear: She wants us to not be BF/GF just for now but still be friends and be close while we figure our lives out, but she still loves me and maybe in the future we can go back to how things were, who knows?
She's saying: I wants us to not be BF/GF just for now but still be friends and be close while we figure our lives out, but I still love you and maybe in the future we can go back to how things were, who knows?
posted by ChasFile at 5:35 PM on February 22, 2006
But again, not like you'll listen to any of this. You'll continue to listen to only the positive stuff in the hopes that it's not over.
You hear: She wants us to not be BF/GF just for now but still be friends and be close while we figure our lives out, but she still loves me and maybe in the future we can go back to how things were, who knows?
She's saying: I wants us to not be BF/GF just for now but still be friends and be close while we figure our lives out, but I still love you and maybe in the future we can go back to how things were, who knows?
posted by ChasFile at 5:35 PM on February 22, 2006
What scody said was double plus true.
Now is the time for ending. Sorry.
posted by dejah420 at 6:23 PM on February 22, 2006
Now is the time for ending. Sorry.
posted by dejah420 at 6:23 PM on February 22, 2006
Dude, you've been dumped. Find a rebound before she does. Then you can be "friends" again.
posted by klangklangston at 12:01 AM on February 23, 2006
posted by klangklangston at 12:01 AM on February 23, 2006
Or not. It won't really matter.
posted by klangklangston at 12:02 AM on February 23, 2006
posted by klangklangston at 12:02 AM on February 23, 2006
Here's what's going to happen. You are going to be very unhappy for a while. Possibly for quite a while. The only thing you can do is act to minimise this period of unhappiness. There will be no magical solution which will make it all OK. As many others here say you need to get away and not spend time with the girl in question. This will not be easy AT ALL, in fact it will be very hard. But it will get better in the long term and not seeing her will make the long term shorter. Its kind of like someone coming off heroin - all they have to do is go to their dealer and it will all feel ok, the only thing that keeps them going is that eventually they will not be enslaved by the dealer any more.
Good luck with it.
posted by biffa at 4:01 AM on February 23, 2006
Good luck with it.
posted by biffa at 4:01 AM on February 23, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 11:56 AM on February 22, 2006