making it work against the odds

November 5, 2005 8:46 PM

Should I stay in my long distance relationship?

We've been together for over two years now. A few months ago I moved across the country for grad school, and after a lot of discussion we decided to try to stay together. We are still very much in love, which almost makes the relationship more problematic, because we miss each other so much. Our lives feel incomplete without each other and we both spend a good part of time being depressed because of the absence. We are worried that being so attached to someone so far away is preventing us both from leading fulfilling lives where we are. While in the short term it would be simply awful if we broke up, perhaps in the long term we would be happier. But the short term would be even more difficult for me, while I'm in a new environment and have very few friends here. My attempts to get my social life up and running here have so far yielded pretty pitiful results.

To make things more complicated, a couple weeks ago she was drunk and kissed another boy. Or rather, a boy kissed her, but she didn't exactly stop him. She is filled with regret and isn't hanging out with this person anymore, but I still feel freaked out and, naturally, a little pissed off about it. (Yes, she told me about it. I know a lot of you don't believe in honesty but it's important to us, and an important part of our relationship.)

Is this relationship salvagable? We both want to spend the rest of our lives together but circumstances have pushed us apart -- my career was stagnating where I lived and I needed to make a change, and she needs to finish college. We can make occasional visits to see each other, but unless one of us drops out or takes time off, it will be at least 2 years before we can really be together again, maybe more... is there anything we can do to make this easier on ourselves? Or are we doomed? Help!

(you can also email me at anonalot -at- gmail -dot- com)

posted by anonymous to human relations (14 comments total)

I went through practically word for word is happening to you. Some advice:

It is okay to break up or take a break to figure out if the "relationship is salvageable". It's sometimes easier to have perspective if you break yourself from that tie, even temporarily. If you spend some time broken up (a month or two) then speak to one another again, you may have found you have both reached conclusions about if you both want to still be together.
posted by piratebowling at 8:59 PM on November 5, 2005

Think about how long you've been together. Two years. Do you think you can handle what you're going through right now for that same amount of time? Trust me, it doesn't get any better, the hurt does not soften with time.

My advice to you is to roll the dice and take what you throw. If the two of you were meant to be together then it will happen again, but for now maybe it's best for you to focus on your lives where they are and not where you wish they could be. If you think you can spend the rest of your life with this girl then enduring some emotional and physical distance, as well as maybe experiencing some of the local female flavor, will not change that.
posted by baphomet at 8:59 PM on November 5, 2005

I just went through this, almost word for word. We were together for more than two years. I recently went to visit him and I realized that we needed to call it quits. I still love him and I probably always will, but the distance has made it too hard to be in love with him and there's no way that I could see us continuing on like this for another two years.

I say, break up for now and see where things go. I'm a big believer in fate and if it's meant to be, you'll find some way to end up together when it's practical for both of you. If not, well...why miss out on so many potential opportunities?
posted by youcancallmeal at 9:14 PM on November 5, 2005

I was also in a similar situation a few years ago. I moved away to university, but my girlfriend was staying at home. We stayed together for a little more than a year while I was away. It is possible to maintain a relationship over long distance, but you have to be aware of the sacrifices that you'll be making.

I found that, because I was more focused on this relationship with my girlfriend back home, I didn't meet as many people or make as many friends in my new home as I did later on, after we broke up. Once that happened, I participated more in the social life of my new city, met a new girl, etc etc.

My advice is to break off the relationship, at least for now. It will hurt at first, but you'll be able to meet people more easily if you're not tied to someone back home. And, like baphomet said, if you two truly do decide that you want to be together, then you can still make that choice at some later date.
posted by number9dream at 9:25 PM on November 5, 2005

Yeah, this is definitely a tough situation...I'm not sure there's any advice that ever makes this type of problem any easier. I agree with baphomet that time isn't going to heal any wounds in this case...maintaining a long distance relationship, expecially when you're in love, is a tough go. I also agree with his/her suggestion that you should roll some dice, or flip a coin in this case...not so that the coin makes the decision for you but rather to try and clarify your feelings about the decision. Does heads feel right or does tails? I think you probably know what you really want to do at some level...but sometimes you won't let yourself consciously acknowledge what it is. I've often found that I'm really not as ambivalent about tough decisions as I think I am.

Just a couple side comments on a few of the elements of your circumstance:

Mixed actions = mixed feelings...your girlfriend kissing another guy might indicate some ambivalence about the relationship to some degree. Keep in mind that being drunk doesn't keep you from doing things you don't want to do...it only keeps you from doing things you would be too inhibited to do sober.

And not making headway with making new friends, etc. in your new city shouldn't factor into your decision. You really can't make a decision of this significance based on comfort levels.

To conclude, I think this relationship IS salvageable IF you want it to be...but you might want to think about that.
posted by johnsmith415 at 9:38 PM on November 5, 2005

You can make it work, but it will take a sincere willingness to adjust to your relationship as it is now rather than pining over what it was like when you were physically together. This is because healthy long distance relationships function differently than a healthy "in person" relationship, and that's simply the nature of things. You are not physically together, you may not be for a long time. This is fact, this is something you need to work with, rather than against.

As someone who has been going to university in another country from her beau for 3.5 years I can honestly say I understand what you're going through, and it does suck, a lot. But he and I have made it work, and I don't think we're extraordinary, just remarkably stubborn, and honest with each other.

When long-distance relationships fail, it's not because two people don't love each other enough, but because it's so amazingly hard for almost everyone to get past the idea that living apart is tantamount to not being together in any sense at all, that somehow the relationship is on hold, or subpar, less relevant in their daily lives, or whatever. This doesn't have to be the case if you are dedicated to this woman and the connection you have, and you have to be certain that she is just as committed as you are. Functional relationships still require two people, regardless of the physical distance between them. You have to know she wants to make things work, hoping isn't going to get you there.

I'm sending you an email, but I also very much recommend these threads (there are other good ones, but these immediately come to mind):

Do long distance relationships ever work out
and
Getting tired of the "Wish you were here!" phenomenon.
posted by nelleish at 10:11 PM on November 5, 2005

After being married for a lot of years my wife and I split. We made separate lives and after several years got past the pain of parting to the stage of being truly independent, with our own independent relationships. Then we found each other again, and have been together for ten more years.

So my advice is to part, and make lives for yourselves. It doesn't mean you're rejecting each other, but rather finding your independent selves. Maybe those new people will want to be together, or maybe not. After being together for two years, it may take a year for you each to get past the togetherness, but after that you can look clearly at what's best for you both.
posted by anadem at 10:22 PM on November 5, 2005

You've already broken up, you just haven't figured it out yet.
posted by kindall at 11:32 PM on November 5, 2005

Kill the distance or the relationship.
posted by I Love Tacos at 12:34 AM on November 6, 2005

It truly depends on how serious you are. I know you say it will be at least two years, but what about when you're both finished school? What about work? In my experience (my now-husband and I managed a long-distance relationship for a couple of years), while there are all kinds of things which can help you maintain a long-distance relationship, it is nearly always a temporary situation, and you need to have a plan for ending the long-distance phase. You are unlikely to have much luck keeping it together if you have no solid plans for how you will be together eventually. You need to keep in mind that it's very likely that one of you will end up compromising far more than the other in order to be together, and it's probably a good idea to keep this in mind - there are definitely ways to make this more fair, but it does mean that one of you can feel resentful if you're not careful, and this can put some serious stress on a relationship.

That said, and even though my own situation worked out well, I tend to agree with the people who say you might want to put it on hold for a while - if you're young and relatively inexperienced and don't really know what you want out of life, that makes it even harder to make a LDR work out. I'd say take a break, have some fun, and see where you are in a year or two - maybe you won't be able to live without each other and will do whatever it takes to get together again, who knows?
posted by biscotti at 7:31 AM on November 6, 2005

Does the distance have an end in sight? My now-husband and I did the long distance thing for two years. We were able to see each other every two or three weeks for a weekend, and we knew the separation was only going to last two years. It was hard, but was worth it, and it worked out. If I hadn't known that it would come to an end at a specific time, I don't think I could have handled it.
posted by dpx.mfx at 10:35 AM on November 6, 2005

Eh. I went through three long distance relationships that ended with a breakup before being in one that ended in her coming back to town and us being happy together since then.
It might work, might not. Give it a try, and if it doesn't feel right, let it go.
posted by klangklangston at 1:42 PM on November 6, 2005

Is it totally impossible for her to transfer to a college / university nearer to where you are now? Just a thought.
posted by beth at 2:29 PM on November 6, 2005

Breaking up is not going to keep you from missing her. Love isn't about convenience.
posted by idiotfactory at 6:54 PM on November 6, 2005