two tickets back to the friend zone, please.
October 21, 2013 2:58 PM Subscribe
A friend recently confessed that they have Seriously Distracting Feelings for me. Nothing remotely more-than-friendly has ever occurred between us, and they've been married for as long as I can remember. My only option is to pretend like it never happened, but I'm struggling with disappointment and resentment because the introduction of this dynamic frequently changes the foundation of the accompanying friendship and I don't want that to happen. What are some tactics I can employ to make sure that I'm able to move forward respectfully, privately, and (most importantly) at arm's length? Can I take steps to ensure our friendship will mostly go back to how it was before, or is trying to do so an exercise in futility given the circumstances?
For what it's worth, we've known each other for decades and we're both in the midst of painfully stereotypical "midlife crisis" scenarios, so they may not have even been speaking earnestly or truthfully; I suspect they were inspired more by desperation and confusion rather than love or lust. Still, I'm mystified by the idea that they were moved to say anything at all, especially at this particular juncture, after we've known each other for so damn long.
Aside from my therapist, this person is one of the only people in the world in whom I have been able to regularly and comfortably confide, but when they told me, it came completely out of the blue. We were sober and in public, hanging out like we've done hundreds of times before, so it wasn't exactly a tipsy mistake or hushed misunderstanding. I sort of spaced out and started acting like they were speaking in a foreign language because that's what it felt like. I didn't openly admit or accept the substance of what they were saying at all, I just kept repeating stuff like, "What? I don't understand. No, no, that doesn't make any sense." I guess I thought if I refused to even acknowledge it, I would be giving myself solid support for being able to act like nothing unusual had taken place, but I'm not sure if that was the right decision -- I was just in shock. They eventually let it drop after I persisted in remaining oblivious and obtuse, and neither of us has mentioned it since.
To complicate matters, I've also been very close friends with their partner for many years, to the point where I'm genuinely unsure where my allegiance should lie. My most pressing concern is that they might tell their partner what they told me and that their partner would then be (understandably?) upset with me for not speaking up and telling them first. While I'm very much aware that the only thing I can reasonably do with this scenario is ignore it completely and hope they do, too, I feel like I should at least take a step back and re-evaluate how to approach our future interactions in order to create more space between us, and I don't want to start acting weird or distant seemingly out of nowhere. My friend and their partner are like family to me and I would be absolutely crushed if we had a falling out. Is it stubborn, selfish, or disrespectful to their relationship if I want to remain friends with them?
If this has ever happened to you, or if you have ever made a confession like this to someone else, were you ever able to go back to the way things were before? If so, how did you get there? If not, how did you soften the blow of realizing your friendship would just have to be different (or even nonexistent) from now on?
P.S. I'm normally a big proponent of tough love on AskMe, but I would definitely appreciate answers that err on the soft side because this is all new and quite scary to me. Thank you so much for any advice you are willing to share.
For what it's worth, we've known each other for decades and we're both in the midst of painfully stereotypical "midlife crisis" scenarios, so they may not have even been speaking earnestly or truthfully; I suspect they were inspired more by desperation and confusion rather than love or lust. Still, I'm mystified by the idea that they were moved to say anything at all, especially at this particular juncture, after we've known each other for so damn long.
Aside from my therapist, this person is one of the only people in the world in whom I have been able to regularly and comfortably confide, but when they told me, it came completely out of the blue. We were sober and in public, hanging out like we've done hundreds of times before, so it wasn't exactly a tipsy mistake or hushed misunderstanding. I sort of spaced out and started acting like they were speaking in a foreign language because that's what it felt like. I didn't openly admit or accept the substance of what they were saying at all, I just kept repeating stuff like, "What? I don't understand. No, no, that doesn't make any sense." I guess I thought if I refused to even acknowledge it, I would be giving myself solid support for being able to act like nothing unusual had taken place, but I'm not sure if that was the right decision -- I was just in shock. They eventually let it drop after I persisted in remaining oblivious and obtuse, and neither of us has mentioned it since.
To complicate matters, I've also been very close friends with their partner for many years, to the point where I'm genuinely unsure where my allegiance should lie. My most pressing concern is that they might tell their partner what they told me and that their partner would then be (understandably?) upset with me for not speaking up and telling them first. While I'm very much aware that the only thing I can reasonably do with this scenario is ignore it completely and hope they do, too, I feel like I should at least take a step back and re-evaluate how to approach our future interactions in order to create more space between us, and I don't want to start acting weird or distant seemingly out of nowhere. My friend and their partner are like family to me and I would be absolutely crushed if we had a falling out. Is it stubborn, selfish, or disrespectful to their relationship if I want to remain friends with them?
If this has ever happened to you, or if you have ever made a confession like this to someone else, were you ever able to go back to the way things were before? If so, how did you get there? If not, how did you soften the blow of realizing your friendship would just have to be different (or even nonexistent) from now on?
P.S. I'm normally a big proponent of tough love on AskMe, but I would definitely appreciate answers that err on the soft side because this is all new and quite scary to me. Thank you so much for any advice you are willing to share.
So far, a good friend has feelings for you, and you're not comfortable talking with them about those feelings they have for you.
That's pretty much all that has happened here, and all that needs to happen is that, if confronted more directly by the friend (which is unlikely to happen), you say explicitly what you have already implied: that you are not comfortable talking with them about their feelings for you.
Odds are, they'll never bring it up again, and so it comes down to whether you feel comfortable around them going forward. That's something you're free to decide on a case-by-case basis as you spend time with them. No need to decide now.
Of course, if the other person decides to (as phunniemee says) make it A Thing, then the most straightforward thing to do would be to once again advise that you're not comfortable discussing their feelings for you, and that you want the subject dropped -- and that if the subject cannot be dropped, then it needs to be a discussion between your friend and their partner, not between your friend and you. And stick to your guns.
posted by davejay at 3:19 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
That's pretty much all that has happened here, and all that needs to happen is that, if confronted more directly by the friend (which is unlikely to happen), you say explicitly what you have already implied: that you are not comfortable talking with them about their feelings for you.
Odds are, they'll never bring it up again, and so it comes down to whether you feel comfortable around them going forward. That's something you're free to decide on a case-by-case basis as you spend time with them. No need to decide now.
Of course, if the other person decides to (as phunniemee says) make it A Thing, then the most straightforward thing to do would be to once again advise that you're not comfortable discussing their feelings for you, and that you want the subject dropped -- and that if the subject cannot be dropped, then it needs to be a discussion between your friend and their partner, not between your friend and you. And stick to your guns.
posted by davejay at 3:19 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I had a friend who I had feelings for and a sort of indeterminate relationship with. Neither of us were involved with other people, however. At some point after I'd friend-slept over his house for the umpteenth time and was looking for romantic interest signs from him I flat out told him that I LIKE-liked him and he said he didn't feel the same way ("I really like math" was what he said which, omg how hot is that, but I digress). And I was like "Aw too bad, that's a bummer" and he said "What now?" and I was like "Well then we stay friends" and he said "That simple?" and I said "Yeah if you want it to be. I am okay with that." and we were friends for a good long time. Our friendship eventually faded a bit when he moved out of town (and eventually got married and had a family) but we're still in touch and it was not a relationship-ending event for us.
My advice is different from phunnniemee in that I think it would be a good idea to say something definitive "Just so we're clear, I do not have reciprocal feelings like that for you. I would like to remain your good friend. If you have other feelings for me, I'd appreciate if you'd handle them on your own" (or whatever polite way you can say that this is sort of their thing to manage not an issue for "the two of you" because that's couple talk and is a bad thing if you're not a couple). I do not feel that having strong feelings for someone invalidates the friendship that you have, but I know this is a thing that people can reasonably disagree on.
I do, however, think that since you are not reciprocating those feelings that it's not really something you should talk to the partner about but if you remain friends with your friend you should tell them that it might be a thing that they should talk to their partner about. Talking about feelings is really one thing. Acting on feelings or admitting that you'd already acted on feelings with another person is where I draw the Big Deal I-would-tell-their-partner line. But people have differing views on this.
In my opinion it is not at all stubborn or selfish to want to be friends with your friend unless your friend is somehow making that impossible by making their feelings for you into a Thing. Helping it not be weird in the future is what I think a "Hey just so we're clear..." three sentence talk would accomplish and that would be my suggestion.
posted by jessamyn at 3:23 PM on October 21, 2013 [12 favorites]
My advice is different from phunnniemee in that I think it would be a good idea to say something definitive "Just so we're clear, I do not have reciprocal feelings like that for you. I would like to remain your good friend. If you have other feelings for me, I'd appreciate if you'd handle them on your own" (or whatever polite way you can say that this is sort of their thing to manage not an issue for "the two of you" because that's couple talk and is a bad thing if you're not a couple). I do not feel that having strong feelings for someone invalidates the friendship that you have, but I know this is a thing that people can reasonably disagree on.
I do, however, think that since you are not reciprocating those feelings that it's not really something you should talk to the partner about but if you remain friends with your friend you should tell them that it might be a thing that they should talk to their partner about. Talking about feelings is really one thing. Acting on feelings or admitting that you'd already acted on feelings with another person is where I draw the Big Deal I-would-tell-their-partner line. But people have differing views on this.
In my opinion it is not at all stubborn or selfish to want to be friends with your friend unless your friend is somehow making that impossible by making their feelings for you into a Thing. Helping it not be weird in the future is what I think a "Hey just so we're clear..." three sentence talk would accomplish and that would be my suggestion.
posted by jessamyn at 3:23 PM on October 21, 2013 [12 favorites]
If it's this complicated, it's not worth wasting your mental energy on.
Just move onwards and let it all go.
posted by discopolo at 3:43 PM on October 21, 2013
Just move onwards and let it all go.
posted by discopolo at 3:43 PM on October 21, 2013
I don't know if I think pretending this never happened is a great plan, because shit is going to be awkward with you two unless you address the elephant in the room, and your pretending not to understand them (while I am sympathetic to that urge) probably didn't make things LESS awkward, internally, for everyone.
I'd tell this person, firmly but kindly, "I just want to talk about what you told me the other night. I love you as a friend, but my feelings for you will never be anything more than platonic. This doesn't need to affect our friendship, as far as I'm concerned -- if you want to pretend this never happened, I'm more than willing to do that." And then see what your friend says. S/he might want some time apart to get over their crush.
I've remained friends with people who've had feelings for me that I didn't reciprocate, and vice versa. Usually a little time apart helps -- part of the problem is that the intense feelings of platonic fondness you have for them WEREN'T platonic on their end, and they are going to need some time to move past that, probably. But it's definitely possible.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 3:51 PM on October 21, 2013 [5 favorites]
I'd tell this person, firmly but kindly, "I just want to talk about what you told me the other night. I love you as a friend, but my feelings for you will never be anything more than platonic. This doesn't need to affect our friendship, as far as I'm concerned -- if you want to pretend this never happened, I'm more than willing to do that." And then see what your friend says. S/he might want some time apart to get over their crush.
I've remained friends with people who've had feelings for me that I didn't reciprocate, and vice versa. Usually a little time apart helps -- part of the problem is that the intense feelings of platonic fondness you have for them WEREN'T platonic on their end, and they are going to need some time to move past that, probably. But it's definitely possible.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 3:51 PM on October 21, 2013 [5 favorites]
I don't think you are selfish for wanting to stay friends given your long history, however, if you really are good friends with their partner it would be nice to stop hanging out with this friend alone until things are suitably addressed. I don't believe you have a moral obligation to do this but I think it would be an honorable thing to do if you value friendship with both of them. Bonus - this is an easy way to bring the subject back up say that as long as the feelings are there you no longer feel comfortable hanging out one on one out of fairness to you and their partner. Double bonus - you taking the moral high road might jolt your friend out of his/her fantasy and cause them to examine the real world consequences of their words and feelings, especially if this is just a mid-life crisis thing. Good luck!
posted by Valkyrie21 at 4:25 PM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Valkyrie21 at 4:25 PM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
If this were just a good friend and not they type of friend who is one of the only friends you feel you can confide in, I'd say leave it alone and pretend it didn't happen. But, they and their partner seem like very important friends, so I think that you owe it to yourself to hash it out and get everything cleared up. I've had one of these talks with a friend when we ran into a somewhat similar situation and it did a lot of good for the friendship to have put everything out there and resolved it in a clear way.
I think that you need to call them out a bit. Let them know that you're sympathetic to the midlife crisis thing, but that it's not fair or respectful of them to make inappropriate declarations that could potentially: damage your close friendship with them, remove a person from your support system who you trust with confidences, put a weird wedge into your close friendship with their spouse. They need to know that this sort of declaration is not what a good friend does and it's not welcome. I think that they need to hear that it's their responsibility to find a way out of this crushy thing that they've allowed to develop. I'd hold off on telling the spouse, but I'd make it clear that this subject is closed and that any further funny business will be considered a major disrespect of you and your friendship with them.
It's not uncommon to get a crushy fixation on a good friend, and I'm sure it will pass. They showed poor judgement in not reigning it in and smothering the spark. Hopefully you'll find a kind way to point this out so that they don't continue to play bull in the china shop in other spheres of their life while they go through their midlife thing.
posted by quince at 4:30 PM on October 21, 2013 [6 favorites]
I think that you need to call them out a bit. Let them know that you're sympathetic to the midlife crisis thing, but that it's not fair or respectful of them to make inappropriate declarations that could potentially: damage your close friendship with them, remove a person from your support system who you trust with confidences, put a weird wedge into your close friendship with their spouse. They need to know that this sort of declaration is not what a good friend does and it's not welcome. I think that they need to hear that it's their responsibility to find a way out of this crushy thing that they've allowed to develop. I'd hold off on telling the spouse, but I'd make it clear that this subject is closed and that any further funny business will be considered a major disrespect of you and your friendship with them.
It's not uncommon to get a crushy fixation on a good friend, and I'm sure it will pass. They showed poor judgement in not reigning it in and smothering the spark. Hopefully you'll find a kind way to point this out so that they don't continue to play bull in the china shop in other spheres of their life while they go through their midlife thing.
posted by quince at 4:30 PM on October 21, 2013 [6 favorites]
OK.
I know this might not be the most popular opinion, but I think you need to cut off contact with your friend, at least for a while, via a brief email:
"I've given our conversation the other day a lot of thought. I don't return your feelings, but your friendship is very valuable to me, as is X's. For that reason, I think it's best for us to take some time apart. I know you've got a lot to figure out, but by giving you your space now, I hope that I can increase the chance that we'll all stay friends in the future."
I know that seems cold, but here's my reasoning:
This is not some little crush of the kind that we all get on our friends every once in a while. This is a dramatic confession your friend chose to make, even though it put BOTH your friendship and their relationship at risk. Given that level of intensity, while you might be able to get away with pretending it never happened, they won't. We give that advice time and again on metafilter: crushes feed on both contact and ambiguity - parsing and second-guessing and over-analyzing. Continuing to hang out without talking about the situation either way seems guaranteed to feed those flames in a way that will blow up in your face.
Frankly, I can't imagine a situation in which this doesn't escalate somehow. The most likely escalation, of course, is that they keep pushing until this situation becomes untenable, and becomes something you feel you *have* to share with the partner, or, worse, they escalate, you reject them, and then they confess to their partner, and you're caught in the middle. Alternatively, that is how these nightmarish kinds of affairs happen, in my limited experience - you take a series of small steps and each one seems like the last one ("I'll flirt with her, but I won't tell her how I feel"; I'll tell her how I feel, but I won't ask her how she feels," "I'll keep hanging out with him, but I won't tell him I reciprocate his feelings," "I'll tell him I reciprocate his feelings, but I won't act on it," etc.") It might not seem like a risk now...but spending time with someone you know is madly in love with you, and who plays such an important role in your life, and with whom you are so, so close...Just keep it in mind. Remember that scene in "Closer" where Natalie Portman says, "There's always a moment where you could have said 'no.''? This seems like that moment to me.
Regardless, the odds are that your friends' relationship is about to explode. Your friend is trying to drag you into that process- maybe lining you up as a rebound, maybe using their longtime 'love' for you as an excuse to get out of the relationship, or maybe they're desperate for an affair and hitting on everyone they know. It's impossible to say, and you're unlikely to get a straight answer, even if you ask. That's why I think it's best to get some space, for your own protection.
The best-case scenario is: you give them a month or two to sort out their feelings, the crush fades, and everyone lives happily ever after. The more likely scenario, I think, is that their relationship comes apart, and things are messy for a while. By taking your distance now, you increase the odds that you can rejoin them afterwards. Better that than to begin the process of keeping secrets and taking sides, and allowing them to suck you into a relationship drama that will only end poorly for everyone.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 4:38 PM on October 21, 2013 [10 favorites]
I know this might not be the most popular opinion, but I think you need to cut off contact with your friend, at least for a while, via a brief email:
"I've given our conversation the other day a lot of thought. I don't return your feelings, but your friendship is very valuable to me, as is X's. For that reason, I think it's best for us to take some time apart. I know you've got a lot to figure out, but by giving you your space now, I hope that I can increase the chance that we'll all stay friends in the future."
I know that seems cold, but here's my reasoning:
This is not some little crush of the kind that we all get on our friends every once in a while. This is a dramatic confession your friend chose to make, even though it put BOTH your friendship and their relationship at risk. Given that level of intensity, while you might be able to get away with pretending it never happened, they won't. We give that advice time and again on metafilter: crushes feed on both contact and ambiguity - parsing and second-guessing and over-analyzing. Continuing to hang out without talking about the situation either way seems guaranteed to feed those flames in a way that will blow up in your face.
Frankly, I can't imagine a situation in which this doesn't escalate somehow. The most likely escalation, of course, is that they keep pushing until this situation becomes untenable, and becomes something you feel you *have* to share with the partner, or, worse, they escalate, you reject them, and then they confess to their partner, and you're caught in the middle. Alternatively, that is how these nightmarish kinds of affairs happen, in my limited experience - you take a series of small steps and each one seems like the last one ("I'll flirt with her, but I won't tell her how I feel"; I'll tell her how I feel, but I won't ask her how she feels," "I'll keep hanging out with him, but I won't tell him I reciprocate his feelings," "I'll tell him I reciprocate his feelings, but I won't act on it," etc.") It might not seem like a risk now...but spending time with someone you know is madly in love with you, and who plays such an important role in your life, and with whom you are so, so close...Just keep it in mind. Remember that scene in "Closer" where Natalie Portman says, "There's always a moment where you could have said 'no.''? This seems like that moment to me.
Regardless, the odds are that your friends' relationship is about to explode. Your friend is trying to drag you into that process- maybe lining you up as a rebound, maybe using their longtime 'love' for you as an excuse to get out of the relationship, or maybe they're desperate for an affair and hitting on everyone they know. It's impossible to say, and you're unlikely to get a straight answer, even if you ask. That's why I think it's best to get some space, for your own protection.
The best-case scenario is: you give them a month or two to sort out their feelings, the crush fades, and everyone lives happily ever after. The more likely scenario, I think, is that their relationship comes apart, and things are messy for a while. By taking your distance now, you increase the odds that you can rejoin them afterwards. Better that than to begin the process of keeping secrets and taking sides, and allowing them to suck you into a relationship drama that will only end poorly for everyone.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 4:38 PM on October 21, 2013 [10 favorites]
I will refer to recent SCIENCE! Reading literary fiction improves your Theory of Mind, i.e. helps figure out what goes on in another's mind, so I'll recommend a book that describes a similar situation, Philosopher or Dog? by Machado de Assis. It's a 19th century work, and considered one of the main books of Brazilian literature.
Summary: Rubião is a somewhat simple man that inherits a fortune and comes to Rio, where he meets a couple, Cristiano and Sofia. Rubião becomes infatuated with Sofia, she denies him, but since Cristiano is helping Rubião in business, they keep seeing each other socially, and most of the book is filled with Rubião's delusions and Sofia's maneouvring to keep him at arm's length. SPOILER: HE GOES INSANE AND DIES
posted by Tom-B at 5:12 PM on October 21, 2013 [5 favorites]
Summary: Rubião is a somewhat simple man that inherits a fortune and comes to Rio, where he meets a couple, Cristiano and Sofia. Rubião becomes infatuated with Sofia, she denies him, but since Cristiano is helping Rubião in business, they keep seeing each other socially, and most of the book is filled with Rubião's delusions and Sofia's maneouvring to keep him at arm's length. SPOILER: HE GOES INSANE AND DIES
posted by Tom-B at 5:12 PM on October 21, 2013 [5 favorites]
The fact that you are very close with this friend's partner complicates things. There is another person involved in this, somebody you care about, and they presumably have no idea what's going on here. For the sake of all three of you, I don't think you should just ignore this.
I think you need to talk it through with the person who confessed their feelings. Make it very clear that you don't want a romance with them and you never will want a romance, partly because you just don't feel that way about them but also because you don't want to betray their partner. Then they need to tell you if they can continue as just friends with no hope of romance ever, and you can work out how to proceed.
If you think they are acting out of some kind of middle-age crisis, that's the kind of thing they need to hear from a close friend. If anybody is going to talk them out of doing something stupid and regrettable, you're probably the person for the job.
It will be awkward, and there's no guarantee this will end well. But the alternative is for you to cut off contact, or to live with this big, weird question mark over your heads forever.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:13 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think you need to talk it through with the person who confessed their feelings. Make it very clear that you don't want a romance with them and you never will want a romance, partly because you just don't feel that way about them but also because you don't want to betray their partner. Then they need to tell you if they can continue as just friends with no hope of romance ever, and you can work out how to proceed.
If you think they are acting out of some kind of middle-age crisis, that's the kind of thing they need to hear from a close friend. If anybody is going to talk them out of doing something stupid and regrettable, you're probably the person for the job.
It will be awkward, and there's no guarantee this will end well. But the alternative is for you to cut off contact, or to live with this big, weird question mark over your heads forever.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 5:13 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've had many, many close friendships survive an emergent crush. However, most of those were slow-burn, low-stakes things wherein Crushing Person didn't expect the feelings to change anything in the real world. These situations have tended to fit one of two patterns: Either: (A) Crushing Person's feelings were never all that urgent, so they were never expressly declared, even though everyone knew what everyone knew; or (B) All parties concerned felt sufficiently secure that Crushing Person could happily tell Partner, "Dude, your spouse is really hot! You would have serious competition from me if not for (X, Y, Z)," and Partner could cheerfully respond with something along the lines of, "I know, right?" with no ensuing weirdness. A rarer, survivable pattern is (C), where there is an express, private declaration of feelings, but (i) The feelings are acknowledged to be reciprocal, at least to some degree; and (ii) For reasons that both parties respect, Crushing Person and Crushed-On decide, mutually, to go on as before (or to, you know, make out once and then forget about it. Etc.)
In the cases where one friend made a formal, private declaration of feelings, and where those feelings were completely unreciprocated, long-term results haven't tended to be too good. I attribute this to: (1) Folks involved being in their early-to-mid twenties, with all that entails; (2) Crushed-on trying too hard to nurse Crushing Person through their feelings, which resulted in a weird, crappy, asymmetrical emotional affair developing, wherein Crushing Person felt progressively needier and needier, and Crushed-On felt guiltier and guiltier, and both came to feel more and more trapped; (3) Crushed-On trying to pretend that nothing had happened, or hurriedly pushing to get things to go back to normal. This resulted in Crushing Person feeling unappreciated, unheard, angry, and possibly even used, and the whole friendship becoming toxic and eventually dying in a fiery explosion.
The lessons I've taken from the failures are that: (1) Once someone makes a direct, private statement, the time for polite pretending is over. Your friend has taken a risk, and you now owe them a direct and unambiguous answer, even if that answer is no; and (2) To help restore the balance, you need to let Crushing Person decide how the next little bit should go. S/he may want distance. S/he may want reassurance. Indeed, s/he may just want to shake out the Etch-A-Sketch on the whole thing-- but the decision to take that tack has got to come from Crushing. It's not something you should decide to do unilaterally.
And be prepared for what Crushing wants from you to change. I've been in situations where Crushing thought s/he wanted to try to go on as before, but then realized a couple of months down the line that s/he actually needed a break. If that happens, of course, the best thing is to be compassionate and respectful of that choice.
I hope this helps, and I'm sorry this is happening to you. Emotions can be so @#$( stupid sometimes.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 5:20 PM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
In the cases where one friend made a formal, private declaration of feelings, and where those feelings were completely unreciprocated, long-term results haven't tended to be too good. I attribute this to: (1) Folks involved being in their early-to-mid twenties, with all that entails; (2) Crushed-on trying too hard to nurse Crushing Person through their feelings, which resulted in a weird, crappy, asymmetrical emotional affair developing, wherein Crushing Person felt progressively needier and needier, and Crushed-On felt guiltier and guiltier, and both came to feel more and more trapped; (3) Crushed-On trying to pretend that nothing had happened, or hurriedly pushing to get things to go back to normal. This resulted in Crushing Person feeling unappreciated, unheard, angry, and possibly even used, and the whole friendship becoming toxic and eventually dying in a fiery explosion.
The lessons I've taken from the failures are that: (1) Once someone makes a direct, private statement, the time for polite pretending is over. Your friend has taken a risk, and you now owe them a direct and unambiguous answer, even if that answer is no; and (2) To help restore the balance, you need to let Crushing Person decide how the next little bit should go. S/he may want distance. S/he may want reassurance. Indeed, s/he may just want to shake out the Etch-A-Sketch on the whole thing-- but the decision to take that tack has got to come from Crushing. It's not something you should decide to do unilaterally.
And be prepared for what Crushing wants from you to change. I've been in situations where Crushing thought s/he wanted to try to go on as before, but then realized a couple of months down the line that s/he actually needed a break. If that happens, of course, the best thing is to be compassionate and respectful of that choice.
I hope this helps, and I'm sorry this is happening to you. Emotions can be so @#$( stupid sometimes.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 5:20 PM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
this could also be written by me but from the opposite side of the interaction. and I wouldn't ever say anything to alternate world you precisely because of how you (properly) reacted.
one thing I will say: being in a longer term relationship or marriage is hard, and it makes us think stupid things. I would expect that what this person said was caused by a rocky period in that relationship, and that if you ignore what happened or gently rebuff it the other will come to his/her senses soon enough.
posted by jpe at 5:20 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
one thing I will say: being in a longer term relationship or marriage is hard, and it makes us think stupid things. I would expect that what this person said was caused by a rocky period in that relationship, and that if you ignore what happened or gently rebuff it the other will come to his/her senses soon enough.
posted by jpe at 5:20 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think it's important for you to confront this head on and take a stand. I really like jessamyn's script, and her advice to not introduce any sort of "us" into the conversation.
By clearly telling your friend where you stand, and shutting him down, you're also protecting yourself if your friend's partner confronts you about it someday down the line. All you have to do is tell the truth: the friend confessed feelings for you, and you shut it down licketysplit, and that's that.
It's perfectly fine too that you didn't know exactly how to react in the moment; it's OK to just extricate yourself from a weird situation, and figure it out later when you've had some time to think. That friend totally put you in an awkward WTF position; you handled it just fine.
posted by nacho fries at 8:59 PM on October 21, 2013
By clearly telling your friend where you stand, and shutting him down, you're also protecting yourself if your friend's partner confronts you about it someday down the line. All you have to do is tell the truth: the friend confessed feelings for you, and you shut it down licketysplit, and that's that.
It's perfectly fine too that you didn't know exactly how to react in the moment; it's OK to just extricate yourself from a weird situation, and figure it out later when you've had some time to think. That friend totally put you in an awkward WTF position; you handled it just fine.
posted by nacho fries at 8:59 PM on October 21, 2013
I second pretentious illiterate. You need to either cut him off (I'm just gonna go with "him" while writing) entirely or mostly. By mostly I mean, ONLY have contact with him if his partner is around. If partner goes to the bathroom, follow them there if you have to.
Because the dude has apparently been pining for you for years, and despite being TAKEN, has decided to tell you this to see if you feel the same. Despite the boundary of being taken and your being mutual friends with his SO, he wanted you badly enough to break that, he deliberately told you this in broad daylight in public and sober. That is Not A Good Sign that this is just gonna blow over or is "just a little crush." It's not. And people tend to not get over crushes as long as the fuel of your being in their life (and fantasy life) is still coming in. Unfortunately, friendships usually end once somebody wants to fuck the other party, and this is probably gonna go in that direction unless he takes conscious effort to SHUT HIS LIBIDO DOWN and pay attention to his SO instead.
I know you wanted us to be gentle, but I don't think this is a situation where you can just keep things as they are and hope to god you forget and that he keeps his mouth shut forever. You need to have it out with him that it is not mutual, and then after that, at the very least keep your distance. I know the partner is going to wonder why you've dropped off the map, but... hell, I'm not even sure if you should tell or not, but it's a possibility if things get bad enough. He told you because he doesn't want to ignore it any more. He wants to move on it. Things have to change, sorry.
"I feel like I should at least take a step back and re-evaluate how to approach our future interactions in order to create more space between us,"
Yes, good idea.
and I don't want to start acting weird or distant seemingly out of nowhere.
You may just have to do that, especially if you don't elect to tell his SO why you are disappearing.
My friend and their partner are like family to me and I would be absolutely crushed if we had a falling out. Is it stubborn, selfish, or disrespectful to their relationship if I want to remain friends with them?
Not necessarily, but the only person you have control over in the situation is yourself. You cannot make him stop crushing on you and keep his mouth shut once he let the genie out of the bottle. This friendship may very well honestly be doomed at this point. It's not your fault you became his fantasy girl or whatever, but once the pantsfeelings come into play, everything changes. I know you have no interest in cheating, and yay for you. But right now, being around him is fueling his imaginary fire, and you want those pantsfeelings shut DOWN. Maybe just see his SO separately if you can, but right now, and at least for awhile, you need to get the heck out of his life so he'll cool it.
Sorry. I wish you luck.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:45 PM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
Because the dude has apparently been pining for you for years, and despite being TAKEN, has decided to tell you this to see if you feel the same. Despite the boundary of being taken and your being mutual friends with his SO, he wanted you badly enough to break that, he deliberately told you this in broad daylight in public and sober. That is Not A Good Sign that this is just gonna blow over or is "just a little crush." It's not. And people tend to not get over crushes as long as the fuel of your being in their life (and fantasy life) is still coming in. Unfortunately, friendships usually end once somebody wants to fuck the other party, and this is probably gonna go in that direction unless he takes conscious effort to SHUT HIS LIBIDO DOWN and pay attention to his SO instead.
I know you wanted us to be gentle, but I don't think this is a situation where you can just keep things as they are and hope to god you forget and that he keeps his mouth shut forever. You need to have it out with him that it is not mutual, and then after that, at the very least keep your distance. I know the partner is going to wonder why you've dropped off the map, but... hell, I'm not even sure if you should tell or not, but it's a possibility if things get bad enough. He told you because he doesn't want to ignore it any more. He wants to move on it. Things have to change, sorry.
"I feel like I should at least take a step back and re-evaluate how to approach our future interactions in order to create more space between us,"
Yes, good idea.
and I don't want to start acting weird or distant seemingly out of nowhere.
You may just have to do that, especially if you don't elect to tell his SO why you are disappearing.
My friend and their partner are like family to me and I would be absolutely crushed if we had a falling out. Is it stubborn, selfish, or disrespectful to their relationship if I want to remain friends with them?
Not necessarily, but the only person you have control over in the situation is yourself. You cannot make him stop crushing on you and keep his mouth shut once he let the genie out of the bottle. This friendship may very well honestly be doomed at this point. It's not your fault you became his fantasy girl or whatever, but once the pantsfeelings come into play, everything changes. I know you have no interest in cheating, and yay for you. But right now, being around him is fueling his imaginary fire, and you want those pantsfeelings shut DOWN. Maybe just see his SO separately if you can, but right now, and at least for awhile, you need to get the heck out of his life so he'll cool it.
Sorry. I wish you luck.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:45 PM on October 21, 2013 [2 favorites]
i would advise you to not continue to be friends with him based on my personal experience.
posted by cupcake1337 at 6:25 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by cupcake1337 at 6:25 PM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
So I recently had this happen. My husband and I are poly-ish, and another friend is poly. Her husband knows of her crushes on both of us (!) and she let us know recently. Evidently it has been ongoing for years. Neither I nor my husband reciprocate, and we were quite clear and explained where we are at and that it will not change. She initiated a cooling off (space-time-away) period, which we're still in. I have no idea how this will turn out, but I understand your disappointment, as I was very close to my friend as well, and am (to be honest) disappointed that this has come to pass. I've never had a friendship survive this sort of declaration; but the last ones that occurred were back in my 20s, almost two decades ago. We'll see if two decades makes a difference.
I don't have much advice to give you. I'm going to call your friends Chris and Leslie. Let's assume Chris is crushing on you. Be honest with Chris, tell him/her that you do not reciprocate. Follow the standard advice (don't get into a place of defending your non-attraction, be simple and direct, speak from a place of compassion, not guilt). Spend a bit less time with Chris and Leslie. If you can, act like it never happened. If you can't, you might not be able to stay close friends with them. Right now, I wouldn't tell Leslie, but if Chris really starts acting out (really pressuring you, for instance), you may need to tell Leslie.
Mostly, I just answered to say I sympathize and it can be no fun. I'm sorry. Good luck.
posted by RogueTech at 9:27 PM on October 27, 2013
I don't have much advice to give you. I'm going to call your friends Chris and Leslie. Let's assume Chris is crushing on you. Be honest with Chris, tell him/her that you do not reciprocate. Follow the standard advice (don't get into a place of defending your non-attraction, be simple and direct, speak from a place of compassion, not guilt). Spend a bit less time with Chris and Leslie. If you can, act like it never happened. If you can't, you might not be able to stay close friends with them. Right now, I wouldn't tell Leslie, but if Chris really starts acting out (really pressuring you, for instance), you may need to tell Leslie.
Mostly, I just answered to say I sympathize and it can be no fun. I'm sorry. Good luck.
posted by RogueTech at 9:27 PM on October 27, 2013
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If possible, pretend like it didn't happen. That might be what your friend would prefer to do as well. Just ignore, ignore, go on as if nothing weird had ever happened.
If your friend decides to make this A Thing, though, I think you definitely need to distance yourself from the relationship. Just because you want to be friends with someone doesn't mean you can will it to work out.
posted by phunniemee at 3:08 PM on October 21, 2013 [1 favorite]