Deciding about fertility
May 13, 2011 12:48 PM Subscribe
You finally decided either that you did, or that you would not ever, want to get pregnant / give birth. (You're NOT one of the women for whom an answer here is totally clear and easy.) What was your process; what helped you be sure?
I am not sure if you ever can be totally, positively sure.
I know two women in my life who swore up and down that they were never going to have children, period. No matter what. No way. No exception. And they were in their 30s so they weren't younguns still trying to figure out life (relatively speaking).
Then within a year, they both got pregnant, by choice, on purpose, and they wouldn't want it any other way.
To answer your question with a question: Why do you need to be so sure? Why not let life take you where it takes you?
posted by TinWhistle at 12:52 PM on May 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
I know two women in my life who swore up and down that they were never going to have children, period. No matter what. No way. No exception. And they were in their 30s so they weren't younguns still trying to figure out life (relatively speaking).
Then within a year, they both got pregnant, by choice, on purpose, and they wouldn't want it any other way.
To answer your question with a question: Why do you need to be so sure? Why not let life take you where it takes you?
posted by TinWhistle at 12:52 PM on May 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
I sort of wanted to have kids when I was younger. I met DH when I was 27, and he absolutely does not want kids ever. I decided I wanted him way more than I wanted kids,and have since become enamored with the amazing ability to travel/do whatever the heck we want whenever we want.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:55 PM on May 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:55 PM on May 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
After years of knowing I'd have kids some day but never making my mind up, I decided I wanted to get pregnant when:
1. I realized I would be 35 in less than two years.
2. I wasn't doing anything with my life that justified waiting longer.
3. My husband of 8 years said with a broken heart that he wouldn't ask me any more.
posted by Dragonness at 12:55 PM on May 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
1. I realized I would be 35 in less than two years.
2. I wasn't doing anything with my life that justified waiting longer.
3. My husband of 8 years said with a broken heart that he wouldn't ask me any more.
posted by Dragonness at 12:55 PM on May 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
39, no kids (by choice.) I don't hate kids or anything, but I've never been maternally inclined. I played with baby dolls as a girl, but mostly I made clothes for them because I enjoy sewing. I babysat in my early teens because it was the most common paid work I could get. As soon as I could get other paid work, I quit babysitting.
I never declared myself "sure" that I didn't want kids. I just thought that I couldn't imagine wanting kids. If my life had gone a different direction, who knows? You play the cards you're dealt as best you can.
posted by workerant at 1:07 PM on May 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
I never declared myself "sure" that I didn't want kids. I just thought that I couldn't imagine wanting kids. If my life had gone a different direction, who knows? You play the cards you're dealt as best you can.
posted by workerant at 1:07 PM on May 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: To answer TinWhistle's question, I want to hear about other people's processes more than asking for direct personal advice. But I will say that:
1) I'm in ideal relationship-surroundings for giving birth; and
2) I do have a need to think about being sure (due to emerging health issues for which I may have to make decisions re. whether I want treatments that endanger or end fertility).
posted by sparrows at 1:09 PM on May 13, 2011
1) I'm in ideal relationship-surroundings for giving birth; and
2) I do have a need to think about being sure (due to emerging health issues for which I may have to make decisions re. whether I want treatments that endanger or end fertility).
posted by sparrows at 1:09 PM on May 13, 2011
Response by poster: Also, I should've been more clear in my question that I'm trying to reach out to people who DID make a final decision (e.g., either starting to try for a baby, or choosing to end their fertility medically) -- I'm trying to hear anecdotes of how those people became sure.
posted by sparrows at 1:14 PM on May 13, 2011
posted by sparrows at 1:14 PM on May 13, 2011
When I was in my twenties I wrestled with this and ultimately decided against having kids. I realized that I would undoubtedly be a re-run of my own mother, and did not want anybody to resent me like I resent her. I also did not want to feel about my life the way she feels about hers: taken for granted, imprisoned by responsibilities, expected to sacrifice herself for the needs of her family.
(For the record: I'm 50, married 18 years, childfree, and both of us wouldn't want it any other way.)
posted by Quietgal at 1:16 PM on May 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
(For the record: I'm 50, married 18 years, childfree, and both of us wouldn't want it any other way.)
posted by Quietgal at 1:16 PM on May 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
Oops, sorry, missed the 1:14 update. I didn't do anything biologically irreversible, although I've never wavered in my decision.
posted by Quietgal at 1:19 PM on May 13, 2011
posted by Quietgal at 1:19 PM on May 13, 2011
41, single, no kids.
Unlike a lot of women friends of mine, I didn't show a lot of preference either way - if kids happened, then they happened. If they didn't, they didn't. I was never anti-child, nor was I of the 'my life is incomplete if I don't have children' camp, either. Basically, if it's meant to happen, then God would find a way to make it so.
However, as I got older, I started having sad emotions about not having kids, and what have I missed, etc. And then, I found out that I have Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia, which is a genetic movement disorder. That made it a lot easier for me; I have this disease, and in my life, I regard it as a 'pain in the butt'. However, I don't want to potentially pass it on to offspring. And while this has lead to a fair bit of sadness over not having children, it also came with a sense of relief - like I'm now absolved of some great familial and societal obligation.
posted by spinifex23 at 1:23 PM on May 13, 2011
Unlike a lot of women friends of mine, I didn't show a lot of preference either way - if kids happened, then they happened. If they didn't, they didn't. I was never anti-child, nor was I of the 'my life is incomplete if I don't have children' camp, either. Basically, if it's meant to happen, then God would find a way to make it so.
However, as I got older, I started having sad emotions about not having kids, and what have I missed, etc. And then, I found out that I have Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia, which is a genetic movement disorder. That made it a lot easier for me; I have this disease, and in my life, I regard it as a 'pain in the butt'. However, I don't want to potentially pass it on to offspring. And while this has lead to a fair bit of sadness over not having children, it also came with a sense of relief - like I'm now absolved of some great familial and societal obligation.
posted by spinifex23 at 1:23 PM on May 13, 2011
For years I did not want kids. Then all of a sudden it was as if biology took over and I wanted them immediately. Freaked me right out, it did.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:28 PM on May 13, 2011
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:28 PM on May 13, 2011
I'd had some medical issues in my early/mid-twenties and some of the treatments were not fertility-friendly. At the time, I couldn't have cared less about having kids and remained ambivalent for several years. I've never been the maternal type. I'm now 30 and currently pregnant (planned). I'm not really sure how/when or why I changed my mind because it wasn't one particular thing, it was that I sort of gradually got used to the idea. My partner has always liked the idea of kids, but he'd accepted that it might not be possible and we're in it for the long haul, kids or not. But after seeing some of our close friends have families, I really wanted to see my partner be a father. Also, I think there may have been a little of the hormonal clock ticking...
So yeah, I thought I'd at least try to get pregnant, and--with only a little bit of trouble--here we are. I still don't know if I'm comfortable with the whole "being a mother" thing, but I figure there's time to figure that out.
posted by raxast at 1:34 PM on May 13, 2011
So yeah, I thought I'd at least try to get pregnant, and--with only a little bit of trouble--here we are. I still don't know if I'm comfortable with the whole "being a mother" thing, but I figure there's time to figure that out.
posted by raxast at 1:34 PM on May 13, 2011
A huge piece of it was biology for me. I never really wanted kids and then in my late 20s, some overwhelming hormone/lovedup thing kicked in and I decided that having a baby was a really good, urgent and compelling need. I ended a relationship to make that possible.
When it become evident that my husband and I were going to need outside help to make that happen, I conversely made an entirely logic based decision that I wanted to participate in none of those things. I am 39 now and credit my eventual peace with this decision to, again, hormones: I think I've just sort of aged myself out of the breeding pool. No desire to make babies at all.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:35 PM on May 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
When it become evident that my husband and I were going to need outside help to make that happen, I conversely made an entirely logic based decision that I wanted to participate in none of those things. I am 39 now and credit my eventual peace with this decision to, again, hormones: I think I've just sort of aged myself out of the breeding pool. No desire to make babies at all.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:35 PM on May 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
i've always felt that if you want kids, you should REALLY WANT kids - it's a massive life-changing commitment. and i always assumed that at some point a desire for children would hit me. it never did - and once i got to the age of 30, i was pretty sure that even if i did ever want children, i wasn't *at all* interested in giving birth.
when i remarried in my early thirties, my husband was not interested in having children either.
at 35, after agreeing with my husband that if we ever did suddenly get smacked with an intense need to be parents, we were both quite happy to adopt... i got my tubes tied.
every day since then, i've been more and more certain that that was the right choice for me.
posted by wayward vagabond at 1:37 PM on May 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
when i remarried in my early thirties, my husband was not interested in having children either.
at 35, after agreeing with my husband that if we ever did suddenly get smacked with an intense need to be parents, we were both quite happy to adopt... i got my tubes tied.
every day since then, i've been more and more certain that that was the right choice for me.
posted by wayward vagabond at 1:37 PM on May 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
Last year I went in to talk with my gyno about some "permanent" birth control. I have never wanted kids. I have lived with pseudo-stepkids who were between the ages of 9 and 16, and I have lived through several waves of peers-having-children. I've never had the baby rabies. I think of the commitment and cost of having children and I break out into a cold sweat. My partner doesn't want kids. We're both in our early 30's. People have told me that "oh, you'll feel different when you're older" or "you'll feel differently when you hold your baby in your arms." But...why would I even get to that point? Why would I want to "give it a try" when I'm so sure that it's not for me? Heaven forbid I prove myself right and realize, after having a kid, that I didn't really want one. Best to just go with my gut and many years of not wanting to be a parent, and get myself fixed so I don't have to worry about it.
But when I was at the gyno's office, listening to her talk about sterilization, I backed out. I couldn't do it. It wasn't the cost or the fear of surgery or anything, it was the finality of the decision. I just couldn't do it.
I wound up getting an IUD (which has been great). So far, nothing's changed. Still don't want kids. Partner still doesn't want kids. We're making life plans that have nothing to do with kids. But I just couldn't take that final step.
This is probably no help to you, other than to say that I got to that final step and I had to step back because I realized that there's a tiny part of me that wasn't sure.
posted by Elly Vortex at 1:39 PM on May 13, 2011
But when I was at the gyno's office, listening to her talk about sterilization, I backed out. I couldn't do it. It wasn't the cost or the fear of surgery or anything, it was the finality of the decision. I just couldn't do it.
I wound up getting an IUD (which has been great). So far, nothing's changed. Still don't want kids. Partner still doesn't want kids. We're making life plans that have nothing to do with kids. But I just couldn't take that final step.
This is probably no help to you, other than to say that I got to that final step and I had to step back because I realized that there's a tiny part of me that wasn't sure.
posted by Elly Vortex at 1:39 PM on May 13, 2011
I decided in favor of trying, but I was never "sure" (I'm pregnant right now). For me, the whole thing doesn't really belong in the category of things to be "sure" about, because I feel it's not completely my decision. Some people try for years and it never works, others don't try and get pregnant by accident, yet others get pregnant but lose their child, or have a handicapped/sick child which is not what they signed up for...so, being "sure" about it, for me, would be like being "sure" that I want to get married (while still being single), or being "sure" that I want to live to 100 years of age - there are so many contingencies, so many things that can go wrong or in a way that wasn't expected, that my personal certainty about wanting something this or that way becomes irrelevant. I've learned to be OK with not being sure. The human mind has an astonishing ability to rationalize and deal with decisions once you've made them.
But aside from the "being sure" thing, you wanted to hear our reasons, so: I decided that I'd give it a try because I believe you should try everything life offers you, that you should constantly seek new experiences and challenges. Having a child seems like the most exciting challenge I can think of right now. So I went for it. It certainly helps that I had previously taken on challenges that worked out well, and it also helps that my SO is on the same page with me and a very responsible person.
posted by The Toad at 1:47 PM on May 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
But aside from the "being sure" thing, you wanted to hear our reasons, so: I decided that I'd give it a try because I believe you should try everything life offers you, that you should constantly seek new experiences and challenges. Having a child seems like the most exciting challenge I can think of right now. So I went for it. It certainly helps that I had previously taken on challenges that worked out well, and it also helps that my SO is on the same page with me and a very responsible person.
posted by The Toad at 1:47 PM on May 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
Several people I have asked this of, who were on the fence at one point, said they decided when they had a pregnancy scare and found themselves excited. (In those cases, the pregnancy scare turned out to be nothing, but they decided to get pregnant for real afterward.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 1:49 PM on May 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten at 1:49 PM on May 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
(just to add to my previous comment - tubes tied almost 4 years ago now. part of cementing my decision was seeing close friends get pregnant and begin families, and realising it just didn't appeal to me at all. while i like children, and babies are soooooo cute, i have never, ever thought "i've gotta have one of those!" there's been no broodiness, and no desire to "settle down" in a family lifestyle. i just feel so many people have kids because it's What You Do, and have always thought it's such a profound decision to bring another person into the world, you should really feel like your life will be incomplete unless you experience that. i know that's not how a lot of people make the decision, but that's my thinking.)
posted by wayward vagabond at 1:49 PM on May 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by wayward vagabond at 1:49 PM on May 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
When I was younger, I didn't think about having children until I became pregnant (unplanned) with my then-fiancee. I mentally wrestled with the possibilities of abortion, adoption, and motherhood, whether motherhood was within the scope of a marriage, or being a single mom. There was no way I'd be able live with a decision to have an abortion, I knew; I wouldn't opt for adoption, either.
I was only pregnant for about another 24hrs; just long enough for me to realize that I wanted this baby, and I would do it all on my own if I had to, didn't need to be in a relationship to be a mother (I realize how ephemeral relationships seem to be, whether children are involved or not). When I finally had the courage and told my fiancee that I was pregnant, I was prepared for him to be ecstatic, or horrified. I was mentally prepared to be a parent with or without a co-parent. I could totally do this on my own.
That's what made me realize that I wanted to be a mom. I was actually pretty scared/unsure of babies, until I had one of my own.
If I had been given the choice of whether to have children or not, and not been faced instead with "you've got one now, what are you going to do?" I probably never would have sought motherhood. I'm glad that motherhood happened to me, though.
posted by erasorhed at 1:51 PM on May 13, 2011
I was only pregnant for about another 24hrs; just long enough for me to realize that I wanted this baby, and I would do it all on my own if I had to, didn't need to be in a relationship to be a mother (I realize how ephemeral relationships seem to be, whether children are involved or not). When I finally had the courage and told my fiancee that I was pregnant, I was prepared for him to be ecstatic, or horrified. I was mentally prepared to be a parent with or without a co-parent. I could totally do this on my own.
That's what made me realize that I wanted to be a mom. I was actually pretty scared/unsure of babies, until I had one of my own.
If I had been given the choice of whether to have children or not, and not been faced instead with "you've got one now, what are you going to do?" I probably never would have sought motherhood. I'm glad that motherhood happened to me, though.
posted by erasorhed at 1:51 PM on May 13, 2011
I'm 36, haven't made any permanent physical alterations to avoid pregnancy, would keep the baby if I did ever get pregnant, but, barring unforseen circumstances, have decided I'm perfectly happy being baby-less. I talked a little bit more in this answer to someone's else's question about my thought process, and how deciding I probably won't get pregnant doesn't mean I've totally ruled out the idea of becoming a mother.
posted by MsMolly at 2:36 PM on May 13, 2011
posted by MsMolly at 2:36 PM on May 13, 2011
Initially, it was the biological thing, which kicked in around 28 for me. Before that, I was pretty much "NO way, no how" on kids. Then it was just a matter of finding someone I was compatible with who wanted them too (preferably with me!) I found myself engaged last year, and we were both really solid on the idea of having kids together. Hooray! Except we broke up. But that urge to be a mother is still there. After half a year of hard thinking and being alone, and thinking about raising a child alone, I have decided to go for it. I would rather tough it out alone and experience motherhood, than look back years from now with regret that I didn't give it a shot.
posted by medeine at 2:46 PM on May 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by medeine at 2:46 PM on May 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
I feel very much the same as The Toad. We didn't really make a decision to have a baby, just to try. We tried very hard to keep our expectations low, and I honestly didn't really think it would work out until about a week ago (I'm 13 weeks pregnant)
I don't know how helpful my story will be to you, because of the lack of a firm decision, because I'm in a same-sex relationship, and because it also hinges on a medical crisis, but I'll share anyway. I'm 30, married (to a woman) for going on eight years, and I'm 13 weeks pregnant with our first.
In my teens and early twenties I was in the "definitely one day but not for a looong time" camp. I got hit by a big wave of "omg baby now" around 26/27, and my wife had the same feelings, generally more strongly than me. At times we were in an overlapping cycle of weepy broodiness! So we started looking in to what it would take to do it - I need to be the one who is pregnant for various reasons, and I've always had very irregular and infrequent cycles. The advice we got really sucked, no one wanted to help us figure out how to get my cycles regular (or if I was even having problems ovulating), there was no exploration, just that I could go on Clomid if I wanted. Our HMO offered some help, which is great, but only offered IUI in the doctors' office. And some of the providers we saw were just weird and fucked up to us, one sneered at us "So how do you plan to cheat nature?".
The whole thing felt really hostile and medical, and we felt helpless and vulnerable and patronized. I started reading infertility resources and saw how much hardship and uncertainty many people end up going through. We talked about how hard it would be to give up once we started, and how much of a strain it could be to live with the uncertainty. We had also just gone through a couple of years of major job crisis and didn't feel we were ready for another big scary challenge. So we decided that we needed some stability, would probably rather take on the challenge of making our lives awesome without a kid than the challenge of wrestling with my body and this horrible system, and we would just see how things went. Over the next couple of years I privately came to feel that it would just probably never happen, and I was mostly fine with it. If our biology were different, it's possible we would have been a "not trying, not preventing" couple for those middle years, but I actually don't think so - we felt like we needed to be either working towards a baby or putting it out of our minds.
Last year for no discernible reason I started having periods like clockwork, and then over the holidays I ended up dealing with an unrelated medical error that made me think I was going to die for a few days. The error also meant I got an ultrasound of my pelvis at which the technician told me, just for interest, that she could see I'd just ovulated and my womb had a good lining. My wife and I were thrilled I was ok (obviously), and we were also like "oh my god, does this mean we could make a baby?" The hope felt like a real gift, and I found myself a lot less ambivalent than I expected given how much I had distanced myself from wanting a baby.
Six weeks later we got a positive test, and everything looks like it's going great. I think if we hadn't gotten lucky over the holidays that our baby plans would still be on indefinite hold and I would be getting more and more used to the idea of being child-free. I have no idea if I would have another rush of baby-crazy in a couple of years though, or how I would feel in 10 years time. So we're now super excited to have formed babby, but I do think we would be making an awesome life together either way.
posted by crabintheocean at 2:56 PM on May 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't know how helpful my story will be to you, because of the lack of a firm decision, because I'm in a same-sex relationship, and because it also hinges on a medical crisis, but I'll share anyway. I'm 30, married (to a woman) for going on eight years, and I'm 13 weeks pregnant with our first.
In my teens and early twenties I was in the "definitely one day but not for a looong time" camp. I got hit by a big wave of "omg baby now" around 26/27, and my wife had the same feelings, generally more strongly than me. At times we were in an overlapping cycle of weepy broodiness! So we started looking in to what it would take to do it - I need to be the one who is pregnant for various reasons, and I've always had very irregular and infrequent cycles. The advice we got really sucked, no one wanted to help us figure out how to get my cycles regular (or if I was even having problems ovulating), there was no exploration, just that I could go on Clomid if I wanted. Our HMO offered some help, which is great, but only offered IUI in the doctors' office. And some of the providers we saw were just weird and fucked up to us, one sneered at us "So how do you plan to cheat nature?".
The whole thing felt really hostile and medical, and we felt helpless and vulnerable and patronized. I started reading infertility resources and saw how much hardship and uncertainty many people end up going through. We talked about how hard it would be to give up once we started, and how much of a strain it could be to live with the uncertainty. We had also just gone through a couple of years of major job crisis and didn't feel we were ready for another big scary challenge. So we decided that we needed some stability, would probably rather take on the challenge of making our lives awesome without a kid than the challenge of wrestling with my body and this horrible system, and we would just see how things went. Over the next couple of years I privately came to feel that it would just probably never happen, and I was mostly fine with it. If our biology were different, it's possible we would have been a "not trying, not preventing" couple for those middle years, but I actually don't think so - we felt like we needed to be either working towards a baby or putting it out of our minds.
Last year for no discernible reason I started having periods like clockwork, and then over the holidays I ended up dealing with an unrelated medical error that made me think I was going to die for a few days. The error also meant I got an ultrasound of my pelvis at which the technician told me, just for interest, that she could see I'd just ovulated and my womb had a good lining. My wife and I were thrilled I was ok (obviously), and we were also like "oh my god, does this mean we could make a baby?" The hope felt like a real gift, and I found myself a lot less ambivalent than I expected given how much I had distanced myself from wanting a baby.
Six weeks later we got a positive test, and everything looks like it's going great. I think if we hadn't gotten lucky over the holidays that our baby plans would still be on indefinite hold and I would be getting more and more used to the idea of being child-free. I have no idea if I would have another rush of baby-crazy in a couple of years though, or how I would feel in 10 years time. So we're now super excited to have formed babby, but I do think we would be making an awesome life together either way.
posted by crabintheocean at 2:56 PM on May 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
You want anecdote? I'll tell you how I knew. I knew when someone told me we couldn't do it. Here's the long story:
A few years ago, I found a program in my town to get a doctorate in the field I love. At that time I didn't really want kids but didn't really feel as strongly as I had when we got married. I spent about a year researching the program, putting it off. I finally realized that I was putting it off because I'd be about 35 when I graduated. 35 was too old for children. It was sort of a surprise to me to realize I'd rather have children than a doctorate.
So we started trying and confirmed that it wasn't going to happen if we didn't IVF. And that was hard. Really hard. I went through a time where I thought that meant the same thing as no. And that was *clearly* the wrong decision, for both of us. We were miserable. We bit the bullet and jumped the hoops and went through the IVF (which, if anyone ever has to do it, was not half as bad as I thought it was going to be.)
The first round of IVF worked. Come back in a few months and I'll let you know how I like it. You probably shouldn't ask me in the middle of morning sickness.
Also, a lot of women are talking about "bio clock kicking in." I want to make it clear - I never had that moment. For me, it was realizing that I had tenure, and a great job, and a great husband, and lived in a great city, and realizing that having kids didn't mean ending all the things I love about life. It was more about getting to place where having kids was a possibility instead of an impossiblity.
posted by arabelladragon at 2:59 PM on May 13, 2011
A few years ago, I found a program in my town to get a doctorate in the field I love. At that time I didn't really want kids but didn't really feel as strongly as I had when we got married. I spent about a year researching the program, putting it off. I finally realized that I was putting it off because I'd be about 35 when I graduated. 35 was too old for children. It was sort of a surprise to me to realize I'd rather have children than a doctorate.
So we started trying and confirmed that it wasn't going to happen if we didn't IVF. And that was hard. Really hard. I went through a time where I thought that meant the same thing as no. And that was *clearly* the wrong decision, for both of us. We were miserable. We bit the bullet and jumped the hoops and went through the IVF (which, if anyone ever has to do it, was not half as bad as I thought it was going to be.)
The first round of IVF worked. Come back in a few months and I'll let you know how I like it. You probably shouldn't ask me in the middle of morning sickness.
Also, a lot of women are talking about "bio clock kicking in." I want to make it clear - I never had that moment. For me, it was realizing that I had tenure, and a great job, and a great husband, and lived in a great city, and realizing that having kids didn't mean ending all the things I love about life. It was more about getting to place where having kids was a possibility instead of an impossiblity.
posted by arabelladragon at 2:59 PM on May 13, 2011
I want children (at some point in the way distant future), but decided a long time ago not to do it biologically. I have an inheritable genetic disorder that is by all rights mild, but not something I would ever wish on somebody. It was a spontaneous genetic mutation, and nobody else in my family has it so I have no model for a decision one way or another. There's a 50% chance I could pass it on, and I'm not sure how I'd deal with the heartbreak of watching my child suffer knowing that I was at least somewhat responsible for it. To me, the benefits of being able to see my own physical and personality traits in my child in no way outweigh the bad feelings I'd get knowing what awful experiences they could have and choosing to put them through it anyway. Maybe if the odds of passing it on were lower I'd think about it, but 50% is far too high for me. (Add on the complication that I'd like several children, and if one of them had it and the other didn't... oh god the guilt.)
When I raised those thoughts with my boyfriend, he was completely understanding. Both our families have histories of adoption, so it was a pretty easy alternative. I'm not quite sure what thoughts predispose him towards not having children, but for me it was a deeply personal and introspective decision to not have biological children.
Now we make it like a game between us. "Thank god we won't have children," we sometimes say, "because we have awful genes." And the things we do hope to pass on to our children (values, ethics, etc.) aren't determined by genes anyway. Adopted children will have their own challenges, some of them far worse than the hand I've been dealt and maybe even the same ones I have, but I feel like I can help them deal with their challenges better if I wasn't busy feeling bad about passing it on to them in the first place.
Plus, have you heard all the pregnancy and childbirth horror stories? Dear god, it's terrifying. Every time I hear one of those stories, all I can think is "thank god I'll never go through that." Adoption gives you all the fun of having a baby without needing to go through messy scary childbirth first.
posted by lilac girl at 3:05 PM on May 13, 2011
When I raised those thoughts with my boyfriend, he was completely understanding. Both our families have histories of adoption, so it was a pretty easy alternative. I'm not quite sure what thoughts predispose him towards not having children, but for me it was a deeply personal and introspective decision to not have biological children.
Now we make it like a game between us. "Thank god we won't have children," we sometimes say, "because we have awful genes." And the things we do hope to pass on to our children (values, ethics, etc.) aren't determined by genes anyway. Adopted children will have their own challenges, some of them far worse than the hand I've been dealt and maybe even the same ones I have, but I feel like I can help them deal with their challenges better if I wasn't busy feeling bad about passing it on to them in the first place.
Plus, have you heard all the pregnancy and childbirth horror stories? Dear god, it's terrifying. Every time I hear one of those stories, all I can think is "thank god I'll never go through that." Adoption gives you all the fun of having a baby without needing to go through messy scary childbirth first.
posted by lilac girl at 3:05 PM on May 13, 2011
I have two kids and a graduate degree. While working on my degree, I was very focused and didn't really plan on having children. Then my grandmother came out to visit me, and I realized what a rich life she leads because she has a large family and can go all over the country visiting her kids and grandkids. That's when I decided I wanted that for myself as well. It seemed like such a nice way to live.
I never, ever had "baby fever." I eventually married, started a career, and only then had babies. So for me, it was a logical, non-emotional decision. I hope I'm as lucky as my grandmother. So far, having kids has been amazing. I love them like crazy and the only thing I would change is maybe having them earlier.
posted by Knowyournuts at 3:51 PM on May 13, 2011
I never, ever had "baby fever." I eventually married, started a career, and only then had babies. So for me, it was a logical, non-emotional decision. I hope I'm as lucky as my grandmother. So far, having kids has been amazing. I love them like crazy and the only thing I would change is maybe having them earlier.
posted by Knowyournuts at 3:51 PM on May 13, 2011
I babysat a lot when I was young. A LOT. Started when I was 10 with a 1-year-old and then added her sister when she was born a couple of years later. Then babysat for a family of three kids up the block and various other families--I was the star babysitter of our neighborhood until I went off to college. That pretty much cured me of wanting a baby of my own.
When I was approaching my mid-thirties I revisited my decision (that was when the "biological clock" stories were coming into vogue) and still, nope, no interest. I have never regretted my choice and since I'm at the beginning of menopause now, I guess you could say it is "permanent" though, really, it always was.
posted by agatha_magatha at 3:53 PM on May 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
When I was approaching my mid-thirties I revisited my decision (that was when the "biological clock" stories were coming into vogue) and still, nope, no interest. I have never regretted my choice and since I'm at the beginning of menopause now, I guess you could say it is "permanent" though, really, it always was.
posted by agatha_magatha at 3:53 PM on May 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
36, soon to be married, tubes tied at 21. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not in good conscious have kids when I picked up my screaming kitten and shook him, yelling at him, "SHUT UP!!"
I have had a few moments where I thought I *should* change my mind. Where I felt pressured by society and significant others that I should have babies. And I had a few moments where I really, honestly thought I might have made a mistake, but in the end the terror of what would happen to my life if I had kids overwhelmed any possible shred of regret I might have had.
I agree with folks that if you have kids, you should not be ambivalent about it, you should really, really want kids. But no one can really tell you what is a enough wanting. I can tell you truthfully that if I had not had my tubes tied so young, it's very possible that I could have given in to the pressure and tried to have kids. The normal decision is to have kids, and it's very hard to go against that pressure. I'm glad I took the choice away from myself so young and made it not an option and I don't regret it.
posted by teleri025 at 4:41 PM on May 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
I have had a few moments where I thought I *should* change my mind. Where I felt pressured by society and significant others that I should have babies. And I had a few moments where I really, honestly thought I might have made a mistake, but in the end the terror of what would happen to my life if I had kids overwhelmed any possible shred of regret I might have had.
I agree with folks that if you have kids, you should not be ambivalent about it, you should really, really want kids. But no one can really tell you what is a enough wanting. I can tell you truthfully that if I had not had my tubes tied so young, it's very possible that I could have given in to the pressure and tried to have kids. The normal decision is to have kids, and it's very hard to go against that pressure. I'm glad I took the choice away from myself so young and made it not an option and I don't regret it.
posted by teleri025 at 4:41 PM on May 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
I have chronic health problems (not life-threatening) and I always had questions about passing them on and no real desire to have kids. Kids are great, but I like them better when I can give them back to their parents if I need to. I did my crying over the finality of choosing not to have kids (which is choosing not to go down a road, so a sad thing, like knowing you'll never be an astronaut or a ballerina or President) when I got divorced in my late 20s. When I remarried in my early 30s, I still wasn't interested in having kids right then. A couple of years into the marriage, I found out some of my meds were incompatible with HBC. My husband and I had some frank discussion about our lives and did we want kids, and the answer was no, not really. I had my tubes tied and have no (significant) regrets almost 10 years later.
For us it was the genetic issues and the effect of chronic health problems that made it really easy to say "we don't need to add kids to our lives, which are full already", but I think we could have said that anyway. We also have friends and family who are happy role models for childfree adults and who live full lives without kids. Knowing it's possible to get old and not miss having kids helped us make the decision (the biggest argument was who was going under the knife).
posted by immlass at 4:56 PM on May 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
For us it was the genetic issues and the effect of chronic health problems that made it really easy to say "we don't need to add kids to our lives, which are full already", but I think we could have said that anyway. We also have friends and family who are happy role models for childfree adults and who live full lives without kids. Knowing it's possible to get old and not miss having kids helped us make the decision (the biggest argument was who was going under the knife).
posted by immlass at 4:56 PM on May 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
All through high school I knew I didn't want kids, then in my 20's I met a guy, we got married and it seemed like having kids was the next thing we should do-- it had more to do with family and societal pressures than me wanting kids I think. I kept putting it off, I had a new career, wanted to travel etc. Then we split up when I was 32 and really felt like I would never have kids at that point. It took a while but about year I was actually saying out loud that I didn't want to have kids. Just saying it out loud to myself made me feel like this huge weight was off my shoulders. It was such a relief, that I knew it was the right decision for me. It took a couple years more to make my decision permanent. I had a tubal occlusion a year ago, I was 36 and I couldn't be happier with my decision. I have had lots of opportunities to be around babies lately and don't even feel a twinge of regret.
posted by sadtomato at 6:29 PM on May 13, 2011
posted by sadtomato at 6:29 PM on May 13, 2011
You might be interested in reading Maybe Baby, a book that addresses this exact question.
posted by southern_sky at 8:38 PM on May 13, 2011
posted by southern_sky at 8:38 PM on May 13, 2011
I never became sure, but maybe my story will help somehow. I had the same experience as a few other commenters, and I think this must be really common: I never had a "ticking clock" or even really thought about being a parent, but when I found out that I was pregnant at 26, I knew that it was the right thing. I was still in party mode and I was in grad school, and starting a family was the last thing on my mind, but then I got pregnant and it just changed everything. I wasn't in an ideal situation to have a baby, obviously, but I knew as soon as I realized that I was going to be a mother that I wanted to be one and that it would be totally worth it to re-order my life completely so that I could be a good parent. I don't think my son's father or I ever even questioned what we were doing at the time, it was just, "we're going to be parents, so we have to do what needs to be done." So, there was no process.
But, for me, even though I was young and unprepared and didn't know anything about children, becoming a mother was the best thing that had ever happened to me. Motherhood has really changed me for the better and my son has brought a level of happiness to my life that I don't think I would have experienced otherwise. And I know that if my pregnancy hadn't been unplanned, then I probably would have never chosen to get pregnant. I would have never felt ready enough or successful enough or willing to give up my freedom.
My point here is that, while I can see why people might tell you that you should be 100% certain that you want to have kids before you have them since it's such a huge responsibility, the reality of the situation is that how you feel about having kids before you have them is not always a very good indicator of the kind of parent you'd be, or of how you'd feel about becoming pregnant or having a baby. I bet most people aren't even close to 100% sure. When I was pregnant, I worried a lot about whether I would be a good enough mom for my baby, and a very good friend of mine told me something that I really think is true--that being that worried about being a good parent, when there is no concrete reason for the concern, is a sign that you probably will be one.
posted by mudlark at 9:34 PM on May 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
But, for me, even though I was young and unprepared and didn't know anything about children, becoming a mother was the best thing that had ever happened to me. Motherhood has really changed me for the better and my son has brought a level of happiness to my life that I don't think I would have experienced otherwise. And I know that if my pregnancy hadn't been unplanned, then I probably would have never chosen to get pregnant. I would have never felt ready enough or successful enough or willing to give up my freedom.
My point here is that, while I can see why people might tell you that you should be 100% certain that you want to have kids before you have them since it's such a huge responsibility, the reality of the situation is that how you feel about having kids before you have them is not always a very good indicator of the kind of parent you'd be, or of how you'd feel about becoming pregnant or having a baby. I bet most people aren't even close to 100% sure. When I was pregnant, I worried a lot about whether I would be a good enough mom for my baby, and a very good friend of mine told me something that I really think is true--that being that worried about being a good parent, when there is no concrete reason for the concern, is a sign that you probably will be one.
posted by mudlark at 9:34 PM on May 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
I thought I wanted kids growing up because that's what was expected of me (I'm from a huge Mexican-Amerian Catholic family). Still, the thought of being pregnant seemed akin to being sentenced to die in the gas chamber. I figured my biological clock would change that.
Then I turned 21, and met and fell in love with my now-husband, who was 34, had 3 cats, and no desire for human children. He was very adamant about not wanting kids and not changing his mind. I knew being with him meant no kids, and I was relieved.
When I was 23, I was getting sick of hormonal birth control, and started thinking about getting my tubes tied. A year later, I decided to go for it. Took me about six months of battling my HMO, but I got it done, a month after I turned 25 and 3 weeks after we eloped while on vacation in Maui.
That was 11 years ago, and I'm still very happy with my sterility. Haven't regretted it one second. My husband has a degenerative spine disease and is in constant pain. This has only validated our choice not to have children. No way in hell that I could handle being a Mom and taking care of my husband.
posted by luckynerd at 11:04 AM on May 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Then I turned 21, and met and fell in love with my now-husband, who was 34, had 3 cats, and no desire for human children. He was very adamant about not wanting kids and not changing his mind. I knew being with him meant no kids, and I was relieved.
When I was 23, I was getting sick of hormonal birth control, and started thinking about getting my tubes tied. A year later, I decided to go for it. Took me about six months of battling my HMO, but I got it done, a month after I turned 25 and 3 weeks after we eloped while on vacation in Maui.
That was 11 years ago, and I'm still very happy with my sterility. Haven't regretted it one second. My husband has a degenerative spine disease and is in constant pain. This has only validated our choice not to have children. No way in hell that I could handle being a Mom and taking care of my husband.
posted by luckynerd at 11:04 AM on May 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
God no never. I don't want kids. I've known that since I was a kid. I hated playing mommy. All that stuff. If someone would rip out my reproductive organs, I'd happily let them do it. For me, I guess it's partially biology (neither of my other siblings want kids) and partially social. I come from a pretty f'd up family. There are many ways of breaking the cycle of abuse. Not having kids is one of them.
posted by kathrynm at 8:56 PM on May 14, 2011
posted by kathrynm at 8:56 PM on May 14, 2011
Never wanted kids. Never found baby dolls remotely interesting as a kid, then my nephew was born when I was eight and when everyone expected me to be excited about a baby I just found having one around inconvenient. (As Kathrynm has said, there was also a bit of a social side - I didn't feel like I'd be able to do something like that my own way, either, and I remember my dad smoking next to the cot where my brother's newborn son was sleeping and how much of a massive argument would happen if it were my child and I told him not to. I'd worry that I'd react to things in the same way my dad, who had a temper to say the least, would, and I didn't want that to happen to another kid. My sister has three and she's found doing this pretty difficult as many people parent based on how they were brought up.)
Children are amusing and great, but I find babies confusing and a little scary. If I'm on a train or in a queue and one's crying next to me, I find it unbelievably grating - I know the survival of the species is dependent on us wanting to make babies stop making noises, but it always makes me think I would not be able to cope if I had to attend to it all the time, and it was my responsibility, and I couldn't just leave the room.
Where I grew up it was seen as totally normal for girls to want kids, so I did feel a bit weird, but I work in a professional environment in a city that's expensive, so those that want children (or marriage) are putting it off because they need to afford to get somewhere for them to live first. I do worry about when it happens with my friends because I don't want them to feel offended when I literally do not know how to react appropriately with a baby, and I don't want to hold them in case they do something and I panic and drop it.
There are also health issues for me regarding having a family - it would make life difficult to say the least. But not feeling like it's something I've ever wanted to do has made that easier.
posted by mippy at 5:44 AM on May 16, 2011
Children are amusing and great, but I find babies confusing and a little scary. If I'm on a train or in a queue and one's crying next to me, I find it unbelievably grating - I know the survival of the species is dependent on us wanting to make babies stop making noises, but it always makes me think I would not be able to cope if I had to attend to it all the time, and it was my responsibility, and I couldn't just leave the room.
Where I grew up it was seen as totally normal for girls to want kids, so I did feel a bit weird, but I work in a professional environment in a city that's expensive, so those that want children (or marriage) are putting it off because they need to afford to get somewhere for them to live first. I do worry about when it happens with my friends because I don't want them to feel offended when I literally do not know how to react appropriately with a baby, and I don't want to hold them in case they do something and I panic and drop it.
There are also health issues for me regarding having a family - it would make life difficult to say the least. But not feeling like it's something I've ever wanted to do has made that easier.
posted by mippy at 5:44 AM on May 16, 2011
34 (f), no kids, still open to adoption... but the very idea of being pregnant freaks me out. Talk about mucus/fluids/water breaking terrifies me. Still, at 34. If we decide to have children (now we are leaning no), we can adopt. I just have never had the desire to carry one of my own.
Like Dragoness, I realized how old I am... and also realized I just really don't care to have children. I talked to Mr. Getawaysticks and he feels the same way. I guess I can't say it's 100%, but it's close.
posted by getawaysticks at 9:29 AM on May 16, 2011
Like Dragoness, I realized how old I am... and also realized I just really don't care to have children. I talked to Mr. Getawaysticks and he feels the same way. I guess I can't say it's 100%, but it's close.
posted by getawaysticks at 9:29 AM on May 16, 2011
35, turning 36 in a couple of days, currently 25 weeks pregnant. I always figured I'd want to have kids "someday", but the desire never overwhelmed me. Husband and I have been married for 13 years, and he's always wanted kids, but said he could be happy with whatever I wanted.
A couple of years ago I had a realization much like Dragoness that I really wasn't doing anything that justified waiting longer. Sure, there were theoretical trips to take and stuff, but it was getting to be time to make a decision or time was going to make it for me. We started trying...and trying. After a couple of years of fertility treatments and finally a few rounds of IVF, I'm pregnant, and we're both thrilled. After being together so long, it's like a whole new chapter to our lives.
I don't buy the whole "you shouldn't have them unless you really KNOW you have to have them" thing. I was never really sure, but I'm very happy with how things have worked out. The body and mind are amazing, incomprehensible things.
posted by statolith at 9:48 AM on May 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
A couple of years ago I had a realization much like Dragoness that I really wasn't doing anything that justified waiting longer. Sure, there were theoretical trips to take and stuff, but it was getting to be time to make a decision or time was going to make it for me. We started trying...and trying. After a couple of years of fertility treatments and finally a few rounds of IVF, I'm pregnant, and we're both thrilled. After being together so long, it's like a whole new chapter to our lives.
I don't buy the whole "you shouldn't have them unless you really KNOW you have to have them" thing. I was never really sure, but I'm very happy with how things have worked out. The body and mind are amazing, incomprehensible things.
posted by statolith at 9:48 AM on May 16, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Leezie at 12:52 PM on May 13, 2011 [2 favorites]