Looking for support for foster parents
January 30, 2005 7:56 PM Subscribe
Anyone else out there a foster parent? We are first time foster parents and are appalled by the system. A little girl has lived with us for almost a year. I can't find any internet support. Any suggestions?
Response by poster: I wanted to add some more to our story. Our social worker has never visited our home. We are not informed about important events occurring (court dates, etc.) I have found out that for some reason there is animosity between the social workers and the foster parents, in general. I feel it is pointless to complain, because the system is SO flawed, it wouldn't help. I can see now why there is such a high turnover in foster parents. They get run off. The decisions made for this child are reprehensible, and we have no control over any of it.
posted by davenportmom at 8:01 PM on January 30, 2005
posted by davenportmom at 8:01 PM on January 30, 2005
A google search on
"foster parents" "support group"
returns 23,000 hits, including:
fosterparentnet.org
National Foster Parent Association
and a page on "Parent Support Groups" from the North American Council on Adoptable Children
Are you looking for support in general for you, as foster parents, or support in a fight against your local social workers and the local court and adoptive systems?
posted by WestCoaster at 8:10 PM on January 30, 2005
"foster parents" "support group"
returns 23,000 hits, including:
fosterparentnet.org
National Foster Parent Association
and a page on "Parent Support Groups" from the North American Council on Adoptable Children
Are you looking for support in general for you, as foster parents, or support in a fight against your local social workers and the local court and adoptive systems?
posted by WestCoaster at 8:10 PM on January 30, 2005
Response by poster: I did the same google search. Most of those sites were pretty useless unless I wanted to attend an out of town meeting, which I don't. As far as what I am looking for, maybe just a site for a day to day advice, like the veteran foster moms give me. For instance, on Thursday, our foster daughter had a visit with birth mom and dad. My husband took her and the parents showed, but the social worker, who was supposed to supervise, didn't. My husband had an important meeting to go to and I was home with my four kids. We couldn't stay and supervise, but my husband hated to make her leave right when she saw her mom because of a system screw-up. We have no idea how we should have handled that situation. We let her see them, unsupervised, which was a HUGE mistake. But it would have been so traumatic to the child to pull her like that. Mostly I need advice on stuff like that.
posted by davenportmom at 8:26 PM on January 30, 2005
posted by davenportmom at 8:26 PM on January 30, 2005
Tension between social workers and foster parents is simple: the social workers have to verify that foster parents are doing their job. Some foster parents are seriously scum! They take the money and then provide substandard care, while abusing the kids in the process.
Lack of visits is likely indicative of case load. Too many cases, not enough social workers. An issue of funding, most likely.
As far as court goes, I seem to recall that foster parents can enter the fray as advocates for the minor child. This may vary by state.
posted by Goofyy at 8:29 PM on January 30, 2005
Lack of visits is likely indicative of case load. Too many cases, not enough social workers. An issue of funding, most likely.
As far as court goes, I seem to recall that foster parents can enter the fray as advocates for the minor child. This may vary by state.
posted by Goofyy at 8:29 PM on January 30, 2005
I used to take in foster children for a private agency. They worked well with us but we heard nothing but horror stories about state-run agencies.
As far as the animosity between the social workers and the foster parents... While it might seem heartless to you and me, their job is to care for the child while a judge says the parent(s) can't. So just try not to take it too personal, and don't get too attached, as they can come any day to remove the child.
All in all, the three years I did it really was hard work, and in the end I doubt I had the positive, lasting effect on these children I had hoped to have. But good luck to you and the children you take in. I'll be more than happy to share any experiences with you, if you need/want.
posted by LouReedsSon at 8:36 PM on January 30, 2005
As far as the animosity between the social workers and the foster parents... While it might seem heartless to you and me, their job is to care for the child while a judge says the parent(s) can't. So just try not to take it too personal, and don't get too attached, as they can come any day to remove the child.
All in all, the three years I did it really was hard work, and in the end I doubt I had the positive, lasting effect on these children I had hoped to have. But good luck to you and the children you take in. I'll be more than happy to share any experiences with you, if you need/want.
posted by LouReedsSon at 8:36 PM on January 30, 2005
On preview: You were talking animosity between the social workers and the foster parents... sorry, I read that wrong. I didn't have that with the private agency, and Goofyy makes a very good point.
posted by LouReedsSon at 8:40 PM on January 30, 2005
posted by LouReedsSon at 8:40 PM on January 30, 2005
(IANAL) The child is represented by an attorney, who is responsible for presenting her best interests to the court. Of course, doing an end run around the social worker is a risky move because could antagonize the agency. But if you're not able to intervene any other way, talking to the lawyer is an option.
Do talk to the social worker, though. Express your concern AND your desire to help her/him to help your foster child. There are services that exist to help. For instance, CASA.
The advantage of a CASA is that the organization is independent of the social services agency; and the volunteer has access to more of the parties and records than you do as a foster parent, stays in the child's life even when the foster placement changes, and his/her recommendations are submitted directly to the court. So there's more freedom to speak up.
A CASA also is sometimes eligible to assume a few responsibilities that the social worker normally is in charge of. I was appointed the "educational surrogate" (like a guardian, but limited to education decisions) of my CASA child, and took care of escorting the child to court dates; while some fellow volunteers did visitation supervision for their CASA kids when the social worker wasn't available. Stuff like that.
Good luck. You've taken on a tremendously difficult task amidst a fucked up system. Try not to get too discouraged by the ways others periodically fail your foster daughter, and never underestimate how much good you're bringing into her life by providing the security and stability that's been so lacking.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 9:42 PM on January 30, 2005
Do talk to the social worker, though. Express your concern AND your desire to help her/him to help your foster child. There are services that exist to help. For instance, CASA.
The advantage of a CASA is that the organization is independent of the social services agency; and the volunteer has access to more of the parties and records than you do as a foster parent, stays in the child's life even when the foster placement changes, and his/her recommendations are submitted directly to the court. So there's more freedom to speak up.
A CASA also is sometimes eligible to assume a few responsibilities that the social worker normally is in charge of. I was appointed the "educational surrogate" (like a guardian, but limited to education decisions) of my CASA child, and took care of escorting the child to court dates; while some fellow volunteers did visitation supervision for their CASA kids when the social worker wasn't available. Stuff like that.
Good luck. You've taken on a tremendously difficult task amidst a fucked up system. Try not to get too discouraged by the ways others periodically fail your foster daughter, and never underestimate how much good you're bringing into her life by providing the security and stability that's been so lacking.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 9:42 PM on January 30, 2005
no help, but kudos to you for doing this. thank-you.
posted by andrew cooke at 4:01 AM on January 31, 2005
posted by andrew cooke at 4:01 AM on January 31, 2005
My parents were foster parents before I was born and are still now... I'm 27. The last of their two kids moved out in the last 6 months.... they were 21 and 19 and had been with the family for over 10 years. During that time we'd have other children stay with us for days at a time... usually because they're foster parents were going on vacation or needed a break. They did this through a private agency and had excellent support (at least from my POV).
Growing up I always said I wanted to have 13 kids. People thought I was nutts until I explained that I'd love to be a foster parent. I have very little knowledge about the public foster care system, but I know that I'd never work for them.
posted by TuxHeDoh at 7:51 AM on January 31, 2005
Growing up I always said I wanted to have 13 kids. People thought I was nutts until I explained that I'd love to be a foster parent. I have very little knowledge about the public foster care system, but I know that I'd never work for them.
posted by TuxHeDoh at 7:51 AM on January 31, 2005
maybe just a site for a day to day advice, like the veteran foster moms give me.
If you're interested in personalized advice, online discussion groups vary in quality - some have spam problems; others don't get a lot of participation. I haven't looked closely at these, but one or more be useful. (I've put these roughly in what seems to me to be quality, best at the top, but no guarantees):
Foster Parent support forum at adoption.com
Yahoo group on foster care
Foster Parents Discussion Board at iparenting.com
alt.support.foster-parents at google groups
posted by WestCoaster at 10:19 AM on January 31, 2005
If you're interested in personalized advice, online discussion groups vary in quality - some have spam problems; others don't get a lot of participation. I haven't looked closely at these, but one or more be useful. (I've put these roughly in what seems to me to be quality, best at the top, but no guarantees):
Foster Parent support forum at adoption.com
Yahoo group on foster care
Foster Parents Discussion Board at iparenting.com
alt.support.foster-parents at google groups
posted by WestCoaster at 10:19 AM on January 31, 2005
Response by poster: Thanks for your work West Coaster-It means a lot.
posted by davenportmom at 2:48 PM on January 31, 2005
posted by davenportmom at 2:48 PM on January 31, 2005
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by insideout at 7:57 PM on January 30, 2005