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Please help me stand up straight, make a new plan, and dive in again.

Anonymous — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 20:29:27 -0800

I have never had to try very hard, and yet I've usually succeeded. Until now. How do I become better at dealing with failure? Bit of background:

As a child, I was a quick learner. I was invited into a gifted program but didn't go, so I was a high academic and extra-curricular achiever in a series of average schools. When I entered the work force, I was well-rounded, confident, and generally seen as an up-and-comer in my field. Pretty much everything I've ever tried to do came easy, from academics to sports to career. Lucky me.

I got cocky.

I'm 30 now. I'm switching fields. My new area of interest is much more competitive, with a higher proportion of really skilled, creative, and interesting people. I'm new at it, I'm a little intimidated, and I'm not the impressive young one anymore. I'm starting to fail. I'm not used to failure. Wow, it sucks. Good stuff is still happening: I landed some contracts I'm proud of, and had some successes at work. My life is far from bad, and I know it. But in the past two years, I have put a concerted and genuine effort into a handful of potentially life-changing things, and I have not succeeded at any of them.

Looking back, I can see some reasons why things didn't work out, and I usually try to post-mortem my efforts and learn from my mistakes. But in these cases, I didn't necessarily make mistakes; sometimes I just didn't make the cut because other people were better. Ouch. I can feel the wind leaving my sails. Each time, it gets harder and harder to really commit to attempting the next big thing, which of course is a vicious cycle.

Just as an example, I'll be more detailed about most recent "failure", although I'm asking for suggestions to apply to my world view more than to any particular incident. I assembled a team and we spent several months making a labor-intensive pitch for a labor-intensive project. I just found out that our pitch was rejected. I still think the idea has merit, and I know we can do it independently of the company we pitched to. This will mean deferring the project, running around to find some capital, working with less support and without prestigious backers attached, and paying everyone less than than we originally planned. I don't mind doing all that- it's essentially "my" project, and I'm okay with working hard for little reward because I care about it. But I can't do this project without other people, and I hate the idea of proposing a cut-rate version to everyone else. I feel discouraged and embarrassed about the whole thing, and I want nothing more than to just forget about it, even though I know it's a viable idea with genuine merit. I should suck it up and just do it a different way. But I'm very discouraged.

So I'm seeking advice on how to improve my outlook for future endeavors. How do I get over big failures and psych myself up for the next attempt? How do I stay confident when I tried my best but my best wasn't good enough?
For anonymous correspondence, I'm at GetBackOnTheHorse@gmail.com. Thank you in advance.

Religion, the non-believer and worthwhile relationships.

roooooot — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 08:38:17 -0800

Myself: atheist. SO: Lutheran. Not too long ago she sent me an email to say that at some point in the future she would like to talk about the religious card and its possible effect on our relationship. Any thoughts on how to approach this? Hints have been dropped here and there at her wanting to finally discuss this. Just some quick background. While I am quite content with my atheism, I realize that religion is very important to people. I have no urge to discount people's religious beliefs, I just have no desire/need for it to be part of my life. I find the whole topic fascinating, and at one point in my life I had some serious debate about pursuing more formal education in religion studies when I was in university.

She comes from an averagely religious upbringing. She doesn't really attend church regularly, isn't preachy on any religious subject and until now there hasn't been any proselytizing on her part, and I don't really view this as an outward attempt she just has some extremely-valid-to-her concerns on loved ones and the afterlife.

There aren't any ultimatums or anything on the subject (that I'm aware of), I'd just rather not have this turn into some big ugly mess. This is one of the few relationships in my life where I'd like to maintain it for a long time to come, and I'd rather this not be a dealbreaker, but I am thinking that depends on my handling of it all.

Anyone have any experience dealing with this topic?

More info: I just turned 30, college dropout, creative professional, love video games, a DJing music snob, love reading everything from Lovecraft to Satre, to Bukowski to layman quantum physics books. She loves dance, 4th year of university, loves reading fashion magazines and listening to top 40 pop music. We have been living together for a while now, and more or less been dating for about a year. Admittedly the whole thing began as a series of drunken hook-ups and along the way we discovered a pretty serious compatibility.

We have a world of differences between us and it works.

Can you recommend some Good Books for my dad?

Metroid Baby — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 10:02:56 -0800

My dad recently read The Shack and really liked it. Can you recommend other books with a spiritual leaning (not necessarily Christian) that he might also like? A bit of background: Metroid Dad lost both his father and his younger brother earlier in the year, and for the past several months he's been fighting an uphill battle with cancer. We're not sure how much time he's got left, but he's been in remarkably good spirits.

As might be expected in this situation, Dad's been waxing a bit ontological lately. Give him a free ear and he'll talk to you about his thoughts on God and the afterlife, on relationships and love and how we'll all meet again. He prefaces a lot of this with "I'm not sure how, but I believe…" or "Now, I don't go to church that much…" or "I know this might sound kinda flaky, but…" In other words, he's not dogmatic or judgmental, but appears to be approaching these questions with gentleness and an open mind. He was raised Protestant, but believes that all religions are really working towards the same thing and concedes that religion doesn't have to be a central part of anyone's life.

He read The Shack a month or two ago and, though he thought parts were kind of lame, on the whole it really spoke to him. Really, a whole lot. (I read it at his urging, and my reaction was more "hmm, okay.")

Given all of the above, I'd really like to find more reading material in a similar vein – stuff that might also speak to him, comfort him, or get him thinking. Fiction, nonfiction, religious texts, any or all of the above. Doesn't have to be Christian, doesn't necessarily have to have religion or God or spirituality as the main focus. I'd like stuff that’s intelligent but accessible (and readable while in the hospital and woozy), so nothing too dry or too schlocky. And I'd like to avoid proselytizing, Kool-Aid, and scary REPENT SINNERS!!!1! type stuff.

He loved the history books I got him for Christmas at your recommendations, and I'm hoping you guys will have some good ideas yet again.

(I doubt it'll be an issue, but just in case: please, no hurf durf Shack reader or hurf durf God believer here. Dad's not reading this thread, and I'm not going to engage him in any metaphysical arguments, so there's not really any point in it. He'd respect your beliefs, so please respect his.)

Thank you in advance, as always.

Different types of therapy

Anonymous — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:18:03 -0800

Different types of therapy Can anyone recommend/explain different types of therapy? I have been to some sessions with a shrink, and i kind of found his comments incinderary, like he would make things out worse than they were, and I kind of used those comments to drive myself deeper into a bit of despair. I did one or 2 sessions with a pschycologist, and she was just a sympathizer "That must have been pretty hard." I didn't find this helpful, either. I suppose I am looking for someone to help lead me to better places, and that is not what I experienced with these 2. I think for most people their friends serve this function; I feel like i've been a little depressed for a number of years now, and hence my friends have moved on, and I haven't really made good new ones. So I don't have that to turn to at the moment. I do not have a minister or faith, and anyway I feel like it would have to be someone you knew well and trusted. I met someone I really liked (romantically) a year ago, and it didn't turn out, in part because of my depression or whatever you want to call it, though he didn't verbalize this. Anyway I find myself fantasizing about "what could have been had I been healthier." I know that's not good per se, I am just saying I saw something really good in/with him that I wasn't able to achieve, and know that my current mental state is partly to blame.

So, in short: what kind of therapist is best to help you see reality, i.e. beyond your petty concerns, limits, self-involvement, NOT drive you deeper into them by reciting from some textbook or getting all Freudian. Thanks.

Adult baptism gift

Hugh2d2 — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 08:21:16 -0800

My wife is getting baptized into her new church this weekend. I'm an apathetic atheist, but I want to get her something meaningful to commemorate the next step in her journey and I need ideas.

It's one of those progressive christian churches (rock music, video screens, etc.) if that makes a difference.

What should I get her?

Please help me identify this diagram.

OlivesAndTurkishCoffee — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 20:44:09 -0800

Please help me identify this diagram. It is a Chinese or Taoist diagram for change. I copied this out of a book a few years ago, but for some reason didn't note the source. It may have been called/captioned "Chinese (or maybe Taoist) Diagram for Change". I was reading a lot of Alan Watts and Fritjof Capra at the time, but neither of those leads have turned anything up.

ReligionBookfilter: History of Protestant Christianity for a Lapsed Catholic?

kandinski — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 19:38:38 -0800

Help me find a book that explains the taxonomy of Christian churches and sects! Although I am an atheist I was brought up Catholic, so I have a good grasp of some finer points of religious belief and practice in the Church of Rome. However, I now realise that in the anglosaxon world, "Christian" means mostly "Protestant of some description or other", at least in the most statistical sense. So I would like to read up on the history and differences of the various Protestant Christian sects.

I more or less understand what the Anglican Church is about, and can rattle on a string of names of other churches: Episcopalian, Lutheran, Calvinist, Hanseatic, Methodist, Baptist, Unitarian, Evangelical... I also understand the Church of Latter Day Saints, the Jehova's Witnesses and even the Salvation Army espouse and practice some brand of Christianity or other.

But in general those words they are just names. Like the station names in a subway map of a city I have never visited, they have some evoking power, but I am completely ignorant of where they take one to. And I don't feel like church hopping just now. Thus...

I am looking for a reference, a book I can read. Just one, preferably with a good bibliography so I can delve deeper if I feel like it. It would be written in a respectful but not too pious tone. I am not looking for flippant exposé, but rather factual data: the book should explain which church is for and against what (gay sex, priest sex, woman priests, liquor, whatever), both in terms of dogma and of social custom.

"Don't be a jerk"?

mpls2 — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 08:39:31 -0800

Something about a wise man and fools? I'm looking for a quote that I originally heard from (of all people) Mystery, of "The Game" and VH1 fame. It's something about wise men and fools, and then moral is that stuck up people who think they're better than others are the real fools.

Thanks!

Insert Jewish Pirate Joke Here

ericbop — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:54:16 -0800

Any recommendations for a movie to show my Jewish youth group (grades 8-12), when we meet on Talk Like a Pirate Day? Bonus points if it's either a) Depp-free, and/or b) tangentially related to the themes of the high holidays. I love my job.

Great papers in ethics?

oddman — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 12:03:48 -0800

I'm looking for paradigmatic ethics papers. Specifically, I'd like papers that are as clear and influential as Singer's "Famine, Affluence, and Morality" and Thomson's "A Defense of Abortion." The papers do not have to be on charity or abortion, in fact, it would be nice to have a paper on some other problem in ethics. Also, I would like the paper to eschew too much theory talk (as the Singer and Thompson papers).

Also, could you offer a brief description and a comment on why you like the paper?

So it's a cult. What now?

finding.perdita — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:52:39 -0800

I think I've accidentally got myself involved in a cult. What should I do? (warning - very long post inside) Step 1 - a friend of mine recommended a Korean-based accupressure treatment for stress. I had some treatments. Worked wonders. £30 a pop - good value. The atmosphere of the centre is lovely - it's very relaxed and everyone is very friendly.

Step 2 - treatments are good, but my practitioner recommended that in order to maintain the benefits, that I start classes. Classes involve a combination of chanting, movements (like tai chi or yoga) and meditation. I signed up. And it's working - I'm less stressed and more able to focus on and work on the issues that make me stressed. Works out at about £6 a class - again, good value. I'm at Step 2 (the steps are divisions I've made up, they're not official divisions of the organisation).

Step 3 - the practitioners are suggesting that in order to get the most benefit from the "energy", I should sign up for advanced training which seems to involve talks and ritual ceremonies. It costs around £4000 for this stage. I was interested, but I have no money at the moment (postgrad studies) and pointed this out to them. They're sympathetic. (I'm no longer interested - see below)

Step 4 - additional advanced training (don't know much about this but it's equally costly)

Step 5 - can become a practitioner, involving additional training in Korea, signing over possessions to the centre, living in the centre and spending all my time as a volunteer giving treatment to both paying customers and those in need (emergency services workers, the homeless, people in old age homes, AIDS patients etc)

So far, so dubious, but the focus on giving back to the community is genuine. And the practitioners are genuinely caring and committed. And there will always be naysayers for any quasi-religious organisation.

BUT - I googled the organisation a couple of weeks ago, and Google threw up a "Organistion X Cult" link, which I followed. Turns out that the couple who started the organisation 30 years ago were jailed in 2000 for a $35 million fraud, for having set up a Doomesday Cult saying that the world was going to end in Feb 2000. Which, clearly, it didn't. The organisation changed its name and kept going with a different focus. The wife has come out of prison and is still running things from Korea. So the organisation that I'm a part of is directly linked to people who set up a Doomesday Cult only a few years ago.

So I've concluded that it's a cult.

Question - what do I do?

I want to keep going to classes. I enjoy being at the centre. Should I keep going or would that be a bad thing?

I believe that most of the practitioners have no idea of the background of the organisation and have joined the cult without realising that it's a cult. I've got to know a couple of them quite well and care about them. Should I make them aware of this? How can I help them? (Can I help them?)

Should I challenge the organisation as a whole about the founders' Doomesday Cult? How should I address this? I accept that if I do this, I'm likely to be asked to not return (in which case, I'll take up Tai Chi and meditation separately!)

Is there anything else I should do? I'm concerned that other people may be sucked in. But I think that the UK brahch is run by the book as a charity and there's probably nothing there that the authorities could work with.

How can I make time slow down?

changeling — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 09:44:09 -0800

How can I make time slow down? I turn 25 today. And time is passing so quickly, I'm terrified.

I know other people are aware of this; it comes with aging. Maybe our memories condense, like a defragmented drive. I used to feel the fear occasionally -- in the dentist's chair, for example (wasn't I just here? IS THIS PURGATORY?). But for the last year or so, the fear has always been around the edges of my consciousness. Sometimes it comes on so strong I have to force it from my mind to function.

It seems like I'm always going to bed, if that makes any sense. Discovering another day has passed.

Maybe because I'm a writer now and work from home. My days are so routine. It also doesn't help that I write YA fiction, and am always looking back analytically, wistfully. I do notice time slowing when I travel, at least in the middle of the trip (did we really take that bus this morning? seems like two days ago...)

I don't really fear *Sudden Death!* maybe because as humans, we all feel a little invincible. What I fear is increasingly swift aging, and then death. It's not the physical beauty aspect of it, although that doesn't help. It's the fear that the days and nights will keep slamming together more and more quickly. I don't fear unhappiness -- in general, I'm happy. I am just afraid of time. And, if I let thoughts linger a bit longer.... death, and the possibility of nothingness. Re: religion, I'm pretty much agnostic, though I was raised episcopalian. In a nutshell, I have doubts, and then guilt over doubting.

My questions: How do you deal with it? How can I make time slow down? I know you're not magic. I know maybe I should talk to a counselor. But I also know there are mefites of all ages who must not think about this like I do.

I know, I'm only 25. But that's what scares me the most -- if I'm already aware of the acceleration, how fast will the next ten years seem? And the next ten after that?

A friend of mine asked an elderly acquaintance about this same thing. The man's reply: "Son... nowadays, Christmas comes every month." Shit.

Animals on the Ark?

rachelpapers — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 11:07:50 -0800

Can you point me to a list of animals that were on Noah's Ark? My google skills have failed me. Could you help me find a list of animals that were on Noah's Ark? I'm less interested in those explorations of how Noah's Ark may or may not have been possible, and more interested in just a simple list of what animals the Bible says were on the ark.

Fundamentalist/Evangelical

snap_dragon — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 04:41:19 -0800

What is the difference of belief system between conservative Christianity, evangical Christianity, and fundamentalism?

Religious TV (PBS) Show

Noodles — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 22:30:18 -0800

I remember a religious question and answer show on PBS during the late 80's and mid 90's concerning Buddhism, I think. The speaker was a woman, only distinct feature was one eye was bigger than the other. If anyone remembers the shows name I would greatly appreciate it.

Look at the birds, they sow not, yet they eat

ChabonJabon — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 14:04:15 -0800

I believe in God. The strange thing is that God does seem to give me everything I ask for. Even stranger, I don't actually believe that a God can exist. The question: If you are a believer in God, do you notice yourself having your requests consistently answered? I have been an atheist and a firm believer in Science ever since I was young. However, some years back, I came up with a theory as to how God could exist. Basically, I thought that what people called God, was actually some form of my subconsious.

Immediately after that, I would simply call on God whenever I was faced with a situation where I could not consiously deal with. And it seems to work.

Stuff like:

- I need $2500 this month
- I need to find a girlfriend this week
- I need to get extra high scores in my exams
- I don't want to be alone this weekend, I want to do something exciting

What usually happens is that some situation will come up that could lead to any of the results above, and I would take it, and without even remembering that I had made this request, I suddenly find that my request has come true.

Yes, I know it sounds silly, but it really happens to me - consistently and all the time.

I realise that I am somehow influencing myself into taking actions that lead to those situations that I asked for previously.

The question: Am I alone with this? Are there other believers in whatever who also get the same thing? Any atheists who get similar things?

What is the Norwegian Dream?

parmanparman — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 11:54:06 -0800

Rather than go into the American Dream or the New American Dream, I would like to find out about the real or philosophical "...Dream" of other countries, like what is the New Dutch Dream and the Chinese Dream? Note: don't tell me about sagas! dreams only, please.

Name this philosophy

LittleMissCranky — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 09:31:13 -0800

Be conservative in your own behavior and liberal in the behavior that you accept from others. Is there a name for this concept? I think that a variation on this statement was originally applied to computer language...does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Help me identify this folk/religious tradition/concept

potch — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:22:36 -0800

Help me identify: possibly Judaic (maybe Yiddish) folk tradition of a very small group of individuals for whom God allows the world exist. The point being there's no way of knowing if any individual is one of those chosen few, thus necessitating kindness and decency to all. Tell me I'm not insane- I could've sworn I read about this on Ask a year or two ago, but my searching just isn't finding it. After an aggravating hour or so of Google/Mefi digging, I'm coming here. It's a completely interesting and intriguing premise that resonates with me for some reason, so identifying would be awesome. I've probably bastardized the concept slightly, and the group to which it belongs, but any help would rule.

How do Kant's metaphysical and transcendental deductions differ?

limon — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 11:45:34 -0800

In Kant's Critique of Pure Reason, what's metaphysical about the metaphysical deduction (of the categories), and what's transcendental about the transcendental deduction?

Help me talk to a friend who has found the lord

Lleyam — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 07:36:08 -0800

What books or other resources are available that speak to the things that Jesus taught and how he encouraged his followers to actually live? Things like his central message of peace, love, non-judgment, etc. I'm looking to find something for a friend of mine that focuses on these positive messages that are actually in the bible, rather than the stuff that he is otherwise likely hearing from the evangelicals that surround him. Things like judging people, anti-gay messages, dogma, etc.

The Apologetic for Apologetics? What should the American church be talking about?

rubberfish — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 19:16:48 -0800

What should a Christian church that attracts non-Christians -- and that is interested in being relevant to the world -- be talking about today? I'm helping a group of people to plan out a year of teaching for a Christian church that focuses on alternative approaches to speaking into the lives of post-modern Americans. What should they be teaching?

Specifically, if you went to a Christian church ONLY ONCE, [or for a short period of time] what topic would you want them to be discussing? What would be relevant to YOU, in your life and reality?

For the sake of this exercise/argument, let's assume that you're not going to convince me [or this group of Christians] not to be Christians, nor should you expect that we'll be talking about changing the basic tenets of the faith [i.e., Jesus/Sin/Redemption/etc.]. This question is not intended to be an open forum on whether Christianity is right or wrong, has been or is evil, or the political leanings of some Christians.

HOWEVER, we are VERY open to gnashing teeth [in the forthcoming teaching] about why we believe what we do, whether what we believe makes sense, or whether it has any bearing on America [and the world] in 2008.

We're willing to wrestle with the realities of these basic concepts of the faith, as well as tackle the stickiest of subjects, and we strive to have open -- and sometimes painful -- conversations about God and our world today. We are not a "shiny-happy-people" kind of place, so the more real and gritty the topic, the better. On an average Sunday, nearly 50% of the people that will hear these messages will be non-Christians, new to faith, or people who have previously been hurt by other Christians.

In short: What should a church -- whether Christian or otherwise -- that is interested in being relevant to the world, be talking about today?

[By the way, if you ARE a Christian, I'm really only interested in your response if there's a non-Christian sitting next to you saying, "Hey, ask this question..."]

Where can I get the Islamic equivalent of Jewish Literacy?

parkbench — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 18:45:37 -0800

Where can I get the Islamic equivalent of Jewish Literacy? I've been working my way through some literature on Abrahamic religions and I've found Jewish Literacy indispensable. Now I'm wondering if I can find a similar sort of thing about Islam--quick deconstruction of notable events in the Qur'an and breakdown of important historical figures/movements.

Any suggestions?

Meditation/mood boosters

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 17:42:21 -0800

Good meditation techniques? I had anxiety, and, yes, negative thought patterns. I have been relying on tranquilizers, and they work, but as the doctor explained to me yesterday, they are the equivalent of taking a shot of vodka (quick numbing, basically), and are addictive, and withdrawal can sometimes leave people more anxious.

So while I am not willing to give them up right now, I am looking for any meditation techniques/something else that has helped people chill and feel better about themselves/the world/the future. I have already been listening to music I like, I eat well, and exercise enough. I have also been basically trying to free my mind, just letting it come up with ideas without giving them too much weight.

Tonight I am meeting with an acquaintance for dinner and I used to find hot bathes, etc, relaxing, so am going to try those things as well. I know I am too self-critical at times-basically these are the thoughts that caused me all my problems. I do not at this time have "cheerful friends" I can call to take my mind off things, as some have tired of my admitted moroseness, and others are busy with their children, etc. I don't want to just go out and sit at some cafe/bar by myself as I look around and there are a lot of alcoholics, I'm not at an age where I consider going to the bar some kind of good entertainment. I used to be able to find peace by just walking to the river and looking at it. I know I'm not completely fucked, just feel like I need some peace. I can't call "old friends" as I have lost contact with a lot of them due to this "malaise". I know many people find themselves like this at some point in their lives, I know I'm not the centre of the universe.

I am pursuing therapy, so please no recommendations in this vein, just 'cause I'm already wise to this. : ) I do have an acquaintance whose words help me, just when she says things like "You can change direction." "You're not at rock-bottom." However I cannot call her every hour. : ) I wish there were a service I could employ that would do such things, but as far as I know, no such thing exists. : ) I believe most people rely on friends for this kind of "service" but as mentioned I have run out of these. The snap-out-of-it, you're better than this, kind of service.

Stay away from the light

generic230 — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 12:32:49 -0800

Besides the Tibetan Book of the Dead, are there other ancient cultural texts about dying? I was wondering what other books, texts, scriptures - from other societies or religions or philosophies talk about the process of dying and passing to the next world.