Ask MetaFilter questions in the human relations category

This has escalated quickly

1066 — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 09:48:35 -0800

Son of 1066 had early acceptance to a university six hours away. And we've been planning for him to go there since early December. Last week he decided he now wants to go to the local university and live with me. Acceptance is a given due to his grades. This is going to save me tons of money. The problem? I have had basically zero social life for the past sixteen years because I only had him on the weekends (no regrets). But I was really looking forward to meeting some friends and possibly even dating. So how do we go about transitioning from part-time mom and kid to full-time, loving, supportive, independent mom and adult son/roommate? Advice on any aspects of having a relative/roommate would be appreciated.

Wheelchair - is it important in JUST SEX relationship?

Jasna88 — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 09:04:51 -0800

So, this guy i know for 8 months and i started kinda heavy flirting 2 months ago. We both want casual sexual relationship, i told him bluntly and he is type of guy who does only sex thing.... He thinks i am hot, i think he;s hot blah blah.... he is always asking me to go to his place or somewhere to be alone but i always say 'no' bc....well, our situation is complicated so i am affraid to say yes even tho i want it sooooooooo much... We were kissing and touching a bit last week...

OK so he knows i am in chair., i mean, after 7 month of seeing me in it i guess he figured out... I am like part time user, i don't have balance so i always use it on the move, but i never use it if i am standing and leaning against something, sitting, exercising....so i am very far from beiing chair bound...

So we havent had sex yet... and i always think he will chnage his mind after seeing me using chair... even tho he was inviting me on sex after seeing me in it too...

now, q FOR GUYS. do guys (ok, this type of guy, man whore basically) really cares if u use chair but u can leave it (i mean u dont have to be in it all the time) if ur good lay and can show them good time in bed?

personally, i dont seee why would they, its just sex, its not like we r gonna be in relationship, go out tgh, meet parents or stuff.

Who Manages the Manager?

C'est la D.C. — Wed, 19 Jun 2013 08:03:10 -0800

My boss figuratively (and I suspect literally) has the memory of a goldfish. This can get more than a little frustrating. What can I do to make my life easier? I generally get along well with my boss. She is an overall friendly individual. Unfortunately, my boss is also a panicker. So when she doesn't have the information she needs at her fingertips, all hell will break loose. Beyond that, it's a lot of extra work for me to correct misunderstandings when she reports incorrect facts to increasingly higher levels of management.

I've spoken with her about this on several occasions, and she openly admits that her memory and lack of organization are issues, but has not taken any tangible steps to address the issue. I do recognize that it can be difficult for her because of the sheer volume of work that she tackles on a daily basis exacerbates the memory problem. I worry that speaking to her supervisor or human resources is more likely to engender ill will than to correct the problem. I have tried several things on my end, such as drafting summary memos that she can have at her side to refresh her memory. Unfortunately, these memos were quickly consumed by the black hole of clutter on her desk.

What are other things I can try to make a pre-emptive strike against her bad memory? Or to be ready when she does forget?

Facebook blues

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 19:05:58 -0800

I'm contemplating friending someone on Facebook who previously defriended me, but I'm worried I'm going to come off as a creeper. How to proceed? About three years ago, I was good friends with "Jenna". While we weren't best friends by any means, we hung out one-on-one and in groups fairly often. I thought very highly of her because she was unfailingly kind, thoughtful, and supportive. We had known each other for over a year before I started dating a mutual friend of ours, "Nick". I had known that Jenna had a crush on him but she was in a relationship when Nick and I got together (although they broke up shortly after), so I was completely taken by surprise when it led to the total disintegration of our friendship. Jenna became more and more emotionally chilly towards me and stopped inviting me out, while continuing to remain close with Nick and involve him in social events. While unfortunately she was not the only woman in our social circle with a crush on Nick who reacted negatively to our relationship, she was by far the one I was closest to and given how highly I thought of her, it was a huge blow when she started treating me this way. Eventually, she and Nick had a falling out and I stopped interacting with her altogether.

While I moved on to a different social circle, I found myself preoccupied with how Jenna had turned her back on me so unexpectedly. When she made a bunch of big life changes several months later, I wound up checking her Facebook feed frequently and gossiping about her with Nick, hoping things would go poorly for her. She eventually defriended me this past fall, around the time that Nick and I broke up. I figured that it was for the best.

Now that Nick and I have ended our relationship and so much time has passed since Jenna and I last interacted, my resentment towards her has faded. However, these days I still find myself curious about how her life is going and have been thinking about adding her on Facebook again. I'm not looking to renew the friendship or otherwise bother her. I initially figured that this would be no big deal- I've defriended someone after our relationship soured and accepted a friend request from them further down the road without thinking much of it. After doing some googling on the subject, there was little out there on this specific situation (defriendee wants to refriend the defriender) but the consensus seemed to be that doing so would be totally unwelcome. Given that she and I still have some connections to our former social circle, I would really rather not go down in their history books as that creepy awful person who didn't know when to leave well enough alone.

I'm curious about the etiquette of this situation. Is it ever okay to friend someone on Facebook who previously defriended you? Would it be better to revisit this idea after more time has passed? If you were in her shoes, how would you react?

am i obligated to invite a (horrible) mutual friend to a party?

blandcamp — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 14:41:16 -0800

about a year ago, I had a falling out with a mutual friend, complete with group g-chat strategy sessions, late-night mediations and about a dozen really, really long emails. the reason for it doesn't matter that much, but This Lady showed no good faith in my intentions and less than no respect for me as a somewhat intelligent and considerate person. since my two closest friends are good friends with are, am i obligated to invite This Lady to any mass party or event things? from the beginning i knew we wouldn't be super-close friends (we both annoyed the shit out of each other i'm sure), but this falling out made that a certainty. now our mutual friends are putting pressure on me. i've told everyone who knows about it all and who has asked that yes, we had a problem, and it was rather important to me that i remove her influence from my life as much as possible .. but no, you don't need to plan who to invite to what to ensure that we don't see each other.

recently there was a big event where This Lady was present and i was not -- i had other plans, but some mutual friends who weren't aware of this thought i was boycotting her presence. which might explain why this last part seems like a big deal to them ...

i'm planning an event coinciding with a time a friend of mine from out of town will be visiting, and i cast the net rather widely. i've been told by mutual friends that "eventually you'll just deal with her, because she's our friend too." i feel that while it is unreasonable of me to demand that other people invite one or the other (and i haven't asked that!), it is completely reasonable of me to leave her off MY guest lists.

so i guess i'm asking ... who's the asshole here?

Best/fairest/easiest way to handle this new living situation?

Cosine — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 14:10:54 -0800

Seeking advice for a friend on safe and fair way to handle living arrangement. Asking for a friend:

My friend put a down payment on a new (to be built) condo a year or year and a half ago. Since then, maybe 8 months ago, he met a lovely girl and talk of co-habitation has naturally come up.

Currently they both rent separate places. His salary is probably double hers and he assumes he will pay a higher portion of the mortgage/costs if/when she moves in.

Currently the relationship is sunshine and lollypops and he doesn't want to send the wrong message but also wants to protect himself in case of complications down the road. Is there a normal way to handle this? If things go badly do they sell and each receive back the same percentage as what they have been paying? Should he pay the whole shot if he can and call it even? I think he's really just looking for experience and advice on how others would handle it.

Wedding and controlling parents-- how to cope

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 12:45:19 -0800

I'm getting married in 10 days, and it's stressful for everybody involved, mostly because I have controlling parents who are intricately involved with every part of this. Any tips/advice for coping with this situation? Lots of culture-specific snowflake details inside. We wanted a low-key affair; parents insisted on a very large wedding that they can't afford. It's something they felt they had to do for cultural reasons. They are paying for most of it, but it's a large financial burden on them. So it's a lot of financial stress, as well as the regular wedding planning stress. Compounded with some other issues-- parents aren't really good at organizing or communicating, for example. Dad is authoritarian; mom acts like she doesn't know what to do about anything.

I don't usually live at home, and being back is kind of frustrating. Weekend visits are great, but any longer, and it's hard for me to cope with their lifestyle. Seeing that they haven't changed and still treat me like a child, despite me living independently of them, is really annoying. I'm burnt out and exhausted, and feeling really negative about being forced to have this circus of a wedding that I didn't want. So I'm way more irritable and short-tempered as of late.

The small wedding details add up to a lot of work for my siblings, and my parents expect me to be grateful that they are putting in this work (doing things like DIY favours, etc) and they've more than once reminded me that I should be grateful that I have family who is helping out, and that I will have to help out equally at my siblings' weddings when they get married. I think my mother also is reminding me of this, because she feels I'm not pulling my weight for the wedding and she generally thinks I'm lazy, and is worried that this doesn't bode well for my future as a married woman. My parents hold really traditional values where women do all the housework. They come from a culture where the marriage of a daughter is a sad event for the family, because it's usually the first time the daughter is leaving her parents' home, and is going to live with her husband's family in his parents' home, where she will have to do all the domestic work.

I will not be living with my partner's family, and we both strongly believe in equal work both inside and outside the home. My parents know this, and I think they know that our marriage is not going to be exactly like theirs, but that does not stop from my mom from making comments like "You will see, it's not all roses" and "Stronger-willed women than you have been tamed by their husbands/mother-in-laws" or "You will see-- you will miss us, and you'll regret this" or "You will see-- there's no place like your mother's home" (And yes, I do regret losing my temper with her or fighting with her.) I really am excited to be marrying my fiance, and really looking forward to our life together, but comments like this do give me pause and make me think if she really thinks my fiance, and his mother are evil (even though I know she's lashing out when she's upset and her comments are more telling of her life experience and cultural motifs than they are of my future). It upsets me, because I expected her to be happier during this time period, especially if as they know, it is the last time I will be living with them in their house.

Mom is also on my case to lose wight, and yes, I should, but the event is in 10 days and I just don't care that much. This wedding has been in the works for a year now, and she's upset I haven't done anything to drop the weight. She's also stressed out and likely going through menopause, so is also irritable and short-fused.

Any advice/tips on coping with this situation? Calling it off is not an option. Going elsewhere for the next 10 days is also not an option. Just want some general advice on dealing with parents who treat grown children like children-- I'm worried that this doesn't bode well for the future, and the way they blatantly disregarded our preferences for our wedding may be setting a precedent for them always interfering in our lives. We are not planning to move cities and will be about 15 KM away from my family, and about 50 KM away from his.

I'm also wondering more generally how to establish an adult relationship with my parents (while recognizing that I have some people-pleasing tendencies, and am sometimes overly concerned with what my parents think of me/my lifestyle).

Also looking for more specific tips on how to make it through the next 10 days without losing my mind.

Seize the day... in the suckiest sense.

six sided sock — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 08:27:24 -0800

AskingForAFriend filter (at his suggestion): I had the "perfect" chance to break up, and I blew it. What now, metafilter? [Transcribed and re-worded from my friend's email; apologies if the pronouns don't always make sense].

I've been seeing for about eight months, and for the most part, it's been good. For the last few weeks, though, I've felt a growing discontent - nothing that I could put my finger on or articulate properly, but just a knowledge that this relationship, as good as it was, wasn't going to be the one for me. I discussed it with my girlfriend, telling her that I wasn't sure where it was headed, but we agreed to carry on seeing each other for the time being, since I couln't articulate a specific "this is what's wrong" about the relationship.

I should note at this point that my girlfriend has some severe abandonment issues, which she's been working on for a number of years. They've only had a minor impact on our relationship, and we've worked around them by the aforementioned Skyping-every-day so that she knew that I still loved and cared about her.

Last week I had to cut short a vist to my GF [Ed: they live in different cities, a couple of hours apart] after my father got life-threateningly sick [Ed: he's now on the road to recovery, thankfully]. During that time I didn't keep on top of communicating with my girlfriend - usually when we're apart we Skype every night - and although I kept her up-to-date with things via SMS and emails, she began to feel (her words) that I was cutting her out of my life and that I didn't really want to be around her. Although I reassured her about this - that I was going through a really rough time and was not deliberately trying to distance myself from her.

After a lot of reflection last week - sitting in the hospital with a sick relative gives you a lot of time to reflect, I find - I decided that it was time to end things. Carrying things on wasn't fair to me, because I wasn't enjoying myself, but more importantly it wasn't fair to her - she's a lovely woman whom I really did love, however briefly, and she deserves to be with someone as amazing as she is. I resolved to tell her yesterday, and to tell her to her face, since she deserved better than to be dumped over the phone from a distance.

When I met her, she knew that something was wrong. She asked if I was okay, I told her that I wanted to talk about us, and she said "You want to end things with me, don't you? You're going to leave me like everyone else." And instead of saying yes, instead of letting her down as gently as I could, I told her that no, of course I wasn't, but that I needed time to think about our relationship more. She asked if I loved her, and I said yes, even though I know that to be at least in part a lie now.

And we had dinner together, made love, did all the coupley things that a couple might do. We had a good evening together and fell asleep in each other's arms.

And today I'm livid at myself. I lied to someone I profess to care about, I lead her on when she was vulnerable, and I did all I could to avoid breaking her heart despite knowing that that was going to make me even less happy than I already was.

So I need your advice:

1) How do I forgive myself for my utter dickishness?
2) How do I tackle this issue now, knowing that I want to break up with her, without seeming like a complete jerk (can I even hope to do that, since that's what I've been?
3) In future, how can I be more assertive when I'm dealing with this kind of emotionally painful situation?

Want to enjoy sex but am turned off by myself

Anonymous — Tue, 18 Jun 2013 08:09:21 -0800

I don't have a low sex drive, but I rarely want to have sex. Or rather, I WANT to have sex but I don't want to be me while I'm doing it. I'm a 30something female, happily married to a male for several years. I struggled with body image issues and self-loathing as a teen/young adult, mostly due to a weight problem, which I now mostly have under control (but my weight does tend to fluctuate).

Sometimes I really enjoy sex. Sometimes it's just okay, and I'm doing it more out of obligation. My husband and I have discussed this, and over a year ago he decided not to "badger" me anymore – we would do it when I wanted to. While I can tell he tries not to make me feel bad when it's been awhile, I also know he gets frustrated. The resulting self-induced guilt doesn't do much to help me get in the mood.

The problem is not that I want to be with anyone else – actually, that would be worse. The problem is me. I am not attracted to myself. When I fantasize about sex, I am never involved. It's always other people.

I've read some MeFi threads on self-loathing, "how can I make my wife feel sexy," etc. Frankly, the idea of doing role play or anything that would really expose me physically is anything but a turn-on. (But if I could transport myself into a body I found attractive? Sign me up.)

I think for a long time, the reason I never spoke to anyone about this (or even really realized it) is because it seemed like leftover chubby kid issues. But it's not that, exactly. My weight's fluctuated enough throughout my adult life, and been low enough, that while I know it makes me feel better and healthier when it's at a good point, I still never feel *sexy*. And since I'm incapable of feeling sexy, it's pretty damn hard to enjoy sex. Wouldn't matter who it was with. Sometimes that feeling of self-disgust is so strong I don't even want to touch myself in a sexual way.

I've never been sexually abused. I've always had body image issues. I appreciate many different body types, find many different body types attractive, and I'm certainly not saying I feel like I need to fit some conventional type to suddenly like my body and enjoy sex. And it's not just the weight – I have quite the mental list of various things that I dislike about my body. Some are changeable, some are not. Objectively, I can look at myself in the mirror and acknowledge the fact that I am okay looking – even attractive, at times. But I never feel like a sexual creature, which is why I think this is much more a psychological problem than a physical one.

I am not in therapy for various reasons, although I will certainly consider it. And while I have been (and will continue to) attempting to do things like eat well, exercise, be hygienic, even pamper myself occasionally, I don't think it's going to magically make me feel like a more sexual person.

Enormous thanks in advance for any advice.

How do I avoid becoming like my parents re: treatment of kids?

ichomp — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 20:43:37 -0800

I noticed that I may treat kids like how my parents treat them. How do I de-program myself from thinking like them? (This is both a problem in my relationship with my parents, and my relationship with kids.) I would primarily like advice on how to change my interaction with kids.

In a class I help teach, I realized a few of my hypocrisies: 1) how I like and give more attention to the "easy" and well-behaved kids. I also realized 2) I failed to set firm boundaries for them (for example, only one person should be out the door at once. I let them all go at once.) This instance made me realize that 3) I failed to be on the same page as my co-teacher, and I would like to avoid a good cop-bad cop situation where one of us is easier on the students.

1) I realized how much I had internalized how my parents view kids, from how they treat my siblings and I, to hearing them talk about other kids. My parents always felt they were "unfortunate" in having my siblings and me, because we are more difficult. Even in talking about how my cousin raises her baby, my mom praised her for teaching the baby well, and the baby being well-liked and going to sleep early. Subtle things like these (even when not directed at me), make me feel like good kids = kids who make their parents' lives easier. BUT I remember how much I resented that as a child-- the feeling that I am inferior and my parents would feel lucky to have other kids. So it really bothers me that now I am closer to being in their position, I would treat kids the same way by liking the "easy" ones more. I want to be fair and remember how I felt as a kid- ignored and passed over. As an adult, I do not want to make other kids feel that way.

2) I want to set firm boundaries and be able crowd-control a small group of kids. (Implementing rules of what they can and cannot do.) Rather than letting them do what would be easy for me, I want to be firm with them (especially as a group) I would greatly appreciate practical tips in this area.

3) I will communicate with the teacher I'm assisting to see what tips she has on classroom rules. But not having a "united front"/being inconsistent with kids is something my parents did, that really messed up the dynamic between my siblings and I, and also our respective relationships with our parents.

Do any parents/teachers have advice on how to avoid these ways of interacting with kids? I really want to be fair and treat each kid as their own case, instead of bringing my own baggage into my interactions with them.

PS. How do you de-program yourself from how your parents see kids/ YOURSELF?? It is too easy for me to see this teaching opportunity as therapy and my own experiment with kids, but I NEED TO NOT make this about myself. How do I separate my own problems from who I am at this job, which is so personal to me?

How should I respond to confusion about a meeting time?

heresiarch — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 17:47:17 -0800

Early last week, I had a meeting where there were two people from my organization, and three people from an organization we're hoping to work with in the near future. At the end of the meeting, we agreed on a future date/time for our next meeting. The following day, I emailed everyone in attendance, with (our shared impression of) the date/time/location of our next email in the second sentence of the email. Today, it became clear that everyone on their side of the meeting thought it was supposed to happen today, and I thought it was happening tomorrow. How should I respond? To complicate the situation, we're the smaller, lower status players here and they're a larger organization. We need them a whole lot more than they need us. But I feel like the screwup was not mine here, and a tiny bit of email searching on their part would reveal that I clearly communicated our expectation of what was supposed to happen.

We have of course apologized profusely and promised it will never happen again and done whatever we can to try to salvage the relationship. But should I mention the earlier (unanswered) email that I sent them with clear time specified? Or re-reply to that email to bring it to their attention in a not-super subtle way? I feel like it would be pretty rude to try to shift responsibility over to them in this post-facto way as if to say "NOT MY FAULT." At the same time, I'm a tad worried that by saying nothing and assuming they'll check the email history, I run the risk of them thinking I'm simply unreliable and unable to manage my calendar like an adult, and that they might rather know that it was an honest mistake on both sides that happens in this day and age.

Super curious to hear what people think the etiquette is in this situation. I've found myself in this position a number of times over the years (as a grad student, I would occasionally find myself emailing faculty details and plans, having them forget/misunderstand, and then having to apologize to them for messing up in their eyes) and wish I knew how to deal with this gracefully.

I need a scripted line for why I'm not betting.

Fig — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 15:35:45 -0800

A friend of mine is celebrating his birthday at a horse track. I am going to go and have a good time, despite not having warm fuzzy feelings about the treatment of the horses. What can I use as an excuse for why I'm not betting, given that I am known for being a very enthusiastic gambler? Ideally, I could get away with just drinking and enjoying the company, but there are going to be questions asked about why I'm not throwing down bets. What is a good stock response? I don't want to ruin anyone elses' good time, so little white lies and/or deferrals that avoid the whole animal rights/cruelty issue altogether are welcome.

divorce mediation advice sought

jennstra — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 09:35:34 -0800

I have a one day mediation set for next week. I have a great attorney and the chosen mediator seems a great choice. What do you wish you'd known, asked for, given in on? All suggestions are welcome. It's been fairly amicable thus far, but the money is causing strife. I'm in Washington, so 50/50 is typical. I was a stay at home mom for 18 years. Separated two years, went back to work as a temp. Kids are over 18, college is paid for already.

What issues ought housemates agree on in advance?

klarck — Mon, 17 Jun 2013 04:42:16 -0800

In the 30+ years since leaving home, I've never had a roommate or housemate. This fall, I'll have a housemate with the same history. We'd like to sit down and discuss some ground rules for living in the same house. So what do we talk about? What are the typical issues that housemates ought to resolve to prevent problems later? (Dishes? Chores? Overnight guests?) Have you proven arrangements for equitable settlement of these issues? More details:

I'm the homeowner and male. She's my cousin and a PhD student (in her last year?) at the local university. She had been housesitting/renting this past year while I was out of town on a fellowship. She apparently likes the setup and asked to stay on at the house after my return.

It's a 1100 sq ft cape cod house and she has the upstairs to herself - about 350 sq ft with a its own bathroom/shower. The ground floor kitchen will be shared. I can make oatmeal, coffee, sandwiches and frozen pizza. She seems to put the kitchen to greater use.

She's from a big city, doesn't drive and is content with the local public transit. I have a car. She's a devoted student, a fellow introvert and doesn't appear to entertain guests often. I'm a cubical drone and pretty much just entertain the same guest daily, but never overnight.

We've already agreed on rent/payment. At this point, I'm assuming all the typical homeowner stuff (like lawn care, gardening, snow shoveling, storm windows, gutter cleaning, repairs, etc) will remain my responsibility.

Is this believable or should I walk away?

anonop — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 23:11:39 -0800

Met a truly stunningly beautiful girl in her early 20s a little over a week ago. I'm in my early 30s, but look like I'm in my mid 20s and was alone at a bar, she with some other guy. After a while she starts chatting me up, to my disbelief (I'm pretty good looking, and ever so often get approached by women, but never by any one this hot). We have a great conversation, in which it's revealed that guy is just a friend. I eventually get introduced to the friend and he gets worked into the conversation, we're all having a good time, but its mainly her and I just talking for about 2 hours. She gives me her name, number, and a passionate goodbye kiss in the middle of the bar and in front of her friend, and then they leave together. I'm feeling like I won the lottery and proceed to friend her on facebook the next day. She accepts the FB request, and even posts a vague update about meeting a guy the night before, but unfortunately my attempts at communication with her and trying to set up a date throughout the week were met with the predictable flakiness of a girl her age and her looks, and by this most recent Saturday I'd written it off as just a fun evening.

Well she calls me Saturday night to meet her at a bar, and I go cause I've no other plans. She excitedly greets me, we have a beer, a shot, good conversation, and then she very quickly starts making out with me and even groping me. At this point I have to push her back a bit cause while I'm liking it, its a bit too public for that sort thing. She ends up going inside saying she'll be right back, but doesn't come back out for a while. I go in looking for her, and see her and the same friend of hers from the week before headed up stairs to the dance floor, so I follow them up, though they don't see me. When they get to the top he says something to her and they kiss on the lips. He walks off (without seeing me) but before she can follow I grab her arm and ask wtf was that. She says "Oh he's one of my best friends, he's like a brother to me". Not too convinced, and quite frankly pissed off I turn around and walk out.

I text her early this afternoon (Sunday) asking for an explanation. She responds much later in the evening saying she had told him to come meet us up and when he got there he was drunk, feeling sorry for him self for always being the third wheel, and she was just trying to cheer him up with that kiss.

This girl is so cool to talk to and hang out with, and so unbelievably attractive, I just don't trust myself to judge her story clearly. Is it plausible or should I just walk away?

Need help processing social/familial obligations for funeral

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 18:14:37 -0800

My mother is 75 now, has Parkinson's, and is likely not going to be around in another year or two. I will feel no personal need to go to the funeral, when that time comes, and would like help processing that. The following information may or may not be pertinent and may be a summer blizzard. I have a distaste for ceremony in general. I feel nebulous familial/social obligations to attend.

I am not close to either of my parents or to any of my siblings. I am one of 6 children. We grew up in a provincial midwestern town (US). Four of the children and mother and father still live there. I live 1000 miles away in the west in a town known for being left of center and I fit in well. I am an atheist and in a number of ways an unconventional thinker, but not freakishly radical. I guess its all relative though, to my family being an atheist is radical. The other sibling lives in the east and nobody has heard from him in years.

The family is a semi-dysfunctional, midwestern, suburban, catholic, white, conservative. Parents are divorced, my father having left my mother (about 10 years ago) after 30 years of marriage. His leaving did not surprise me. By age 16, I was wondering why they were together as they were so different (my father adventurous, my mother afraid of her own shadow). All the other siblings were shocked due to the family practice of sweeping problems under the rug. I had no preference in what he did. At least 2 of the children refuse to speak to our father. I speak with my father once every few months and we are on cordial terms, but hardly close. He was a workaholic, not around a lot, but a good provider. I talk to my mother on the phone once every month or 2. I talk with 2 of the other siblings maybe once a year. I go back to visit about once every 5 years. I exchange emails with one brother every so often. When I get the news, it will likely be through him and he will have difficulty understanding why I wouldn't attend. Despite the conservative/provincial thing, he's a good guy. He married basically a clone of my mother, has 4 kids. I think he and one other brother are closer to our mother than the other offspring.

Is it unreasonable that I would not attend the funeral?
What would be the best way to phrase it to whomever I say this to?

It's too late to try communication

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 16:28:06 -0800

I didn't communicate with my SO before hand, and now I'm self destructing. What are my options? I struggle with depression and self-loathing. Specifically, I wish I had lived a more adventurous life. I wish I was more open and comfortable with my sexuality and body. I feel abnormal for what I've missed out on. Any time these thoughts of regret bubble up, I enter a spiral of self hatred and depression that I can't shake.

I've been in a relationship for two and a half years and my partner doesn't understand what it's like to hate yourself to the core. We've tried talking about it but she just doesn't understand. We've also spent a year talking about ways to fix this (opening up the relationship, etc). So far, it's only led to her being able to experience things (kissing other people, etc). I'd be fine with exploring together, but so far the opportunities have just been things for her to do. I've already felt alienated from my own sense of sexuality, but now I'm starting to feel alienated from it even within the context of my relationship.

This weekend she went to a four day music concert. She's going with some of the people she's been sexually exploring with and they're all staying in the same tent together. I should have talked with her more before hand, but I didn't because she doesn't understand my depression and it can lead us into fights. Plus it's my problem to deal with, she shouldn't have to change her life to adapt to my issues.

The only thing I said was an offhand mention that I wasn't comfortable with her kissing her friends. She seemed to understand, but there's going to be a lot of drinking and her friends are agressive and my gf follows peer pressure pretty easily. I imagine there will be situations where it will be less awkward to just participate than it would be to say no.

In my mind, there are several red lines that if she crossed, I would not be able to continue with a relationship (kissing other people, doing hard drugs, watching other people have sex, sleeping/cuddling with other people). We did not talk about these before hand. It's not that I'm against her doing these things, I would just feel very hurt if she did them without me. I've missed out on so much in life, and now rather than being able to experience this stuff together as a couple, she gets to do it by herself, and I'm still left behind.

But it's too late for me to do anything about this. I've spent the weekend feeling sick to my stomach and taking benadryl so I can sleep through as much of the weekend as I can.

Do people have tips for how I can effectively communicate with her when she gets back? To be honest, I hate myself so much right now, that a large part of me wants to break up and run as far away as I can to hide how ashamed I am with myself and how pathetic of a human being I am for being the type of person who misses out these types of life experiences. I've never fit in, and now I don't even fit in my own relationship.

If one of these red lines was crossed, is it my obligation to suck it up because I didn't communicate them before hand? Even if she didn't do anything, am I so damaged that I shouldn't be in a relationship?

I know it's cliche, but other than this one issue, we have a perfect relationship. We've discussed marriage and most days are still like a dream even two and a half years later. This is just one very specific issue I have that cuts me to the core. If only I could fix this, life would be nothing but joy.

Also, I'm in the process of setting up an appointment with a therapist.

Friend bailed on plans, what should i tell her?

earthquakeglue — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 09:52:16 -0800

How do you deal with a friend that bails on plans? I've known my friend for 5 years now, we met a year after she started working at the same job. We became pretty good friends over the course of several years, we would always be together talking. Well, she had this habit of flaking on plans and coming up with some lame excuse about how she had to help her mom take out the trash or something.

Last year she moved to West Virginia (6 hours away) so we would keep in touch through tumblr messages and the occasional text. Last week she came to visit, she stayed with another friend and we all hung out Wednesday and then we had made plans weeks ago to have a movie night that Friday(her idea).

Well Friday rolls around and i never heard anything from her, i didn't text her to ask because that's usually what i do and i get tired of it so i figure she would just text me to tell me either way. Never did.

I got an email from her when she was back home telling me how sorry she was and how her friends parents left and they couldn't leave the dogs alone, and how they went by work to say hi to everyone (since she's moved away she's not seen them in awhile), then she said something about "stuff happened." This seems like a kind of lame excuse, but i don't know maybe it is legit. How hard would it have been to text or call and say "sorry i don't think it's going to work out today." It doesn't take but a couple of seconds to text.

I honestly just don't know what to say to her, i don't want to just say oh that's okay but at the same time i feel slightly silly getting upset over something like this.

Does anyone have friends like this? How do handle friends flaking on plans?

My boyfriend is really tight with money. How do I navigate this?

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 08:17:23 -0800

My partner is a tight-arse, and I hate it. Can you please help me negotiate this? We live together, since July last year. I have a child from another relationship but my partner and I have been together my child's life - my partner was in the delivery room with me. When we moved in together he said he would pay for half of my child's childcare costs (minus govt subsidies and what I and my child's biological father claim as salary sacrifice, so, say, half of a quarter of the total bill) - then when the first bill came in he said he "changed his mind". Ooookay, I said, sighing. He doesn't pay anything else towards my child's or my daily living expenses.

My partner has a tiny flat. We decided, as a family, that his tiny flat couldn't accommodate all three of us (and it really can't), so we rented a larger house and agreed that the money he received for rent for the tiny flat would be put back into the rent for the larger house. I can't afford to pay my half of the rent for the larger house without this subsidy as well as childcare, which he well knows, and we agreed that the rent he received for his flat would start subsidising our rent in April (his flat needed work, and needed some money spent on it to be suitable for a tenant). April's rent comes, he says he has a credit card bill and "can't afford to give me any money". Same with May.

He rarely pays when we go out, and acts as though it's a huge big deal for him to do so. He also has extremely profligate habits - little things each, but they add up to a lot of money, and he makes me feel as though I am nagging when I tell him he is wasting money. For the household bills, we each have bills that we pay then have a spreadsheet to tally it up at the end of the month and pay each other the difference. Last month, he paid me £23. This month, he is yet to pay me anything (and it's now the 16th), and he owes me around £300 (he hasn't yet input his part of the bills, so I don't know exactly).

I have always lived frugally, but he really doesn't seem to know the definition of the word. He makes a fair bit less than me, but I have far higher bills (with childcare, which he agreed to pay some of but then reneged). I am solidly upper middle class (in the UK definition, not the American) and have never had to worry about money until I moved in with him, where he was raised lower middle class and inherited the money to buy his flat, and money is a constant source of tension and drama in his family.

I love this man and he really does love me, he is wonderful in all other ways and we make decisions together as a partnership in all other aspects of our lives, but this constant issue with money is really starting to wear away at our relationship. We have had a couple of screaming matches over it, but he is also typically English and tries to ignore it, while I can't bear to be in the same room as him sometimes because I feel he just keeps lying to me and I really, really can't afford to pay childcare and rent in this house, which I have told him repeatedly. I am turning into a shrew and I hate it, and I hate this tight-arse when it comes to me, profligate for everything else side of his personality.

Can you help give me some perspective? Am I totally out of line expecting him to live up to his agreements? I told him in our most recent fight that we should have a contract, at least that way I could take him to small claims court when he didn't pay what he agreed, but I really, really don't want that as that would be stupid.

Pedantically Yours

Anonymous — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 07:24:19 -0800

I am pedantic (of the "ostentatious with learning" variety). Please make it stop. In the interest of NOT being pedantic, I will attempt to make this short. When I talk about ideas (my research or other things that are somewhat difficult or complicated), I tend to overexplain and then also to slip into "professor" mode. I have been told that I seem to disconnect from the people I'm actually talking to and generally sound like an ass/Cliff Claven. I will likely be on the job market in the next 2-3 years and I want to get this under control before then.

No surprise, I have taught college for ten years and both my parents are professors. My dad does the same thing and it is as annoying as all hell. I don't think I do this in class, as it's never been noted on my evaluations or when I've been observed. I just seem to do it when I'm trying to express an idea that is important to me that I'm insecure about or when I feel I might get challenged about something that I have a strong opinion about. This takes the form of not making eye contact, being bombastic, sounding argumentative or defensive, not listening to others, overexplaining, and talking way too much.

Yes, I suffer from self-esteem and confidence issues. To combat those, I am often defensive or angry (inappropriately so) when I think I'm being questioned or ignored. Yes, I have been to therapy and I have worked on lots of those issues -- now I want to make an effort to really connect and be confident with my ideas and not sound like I'm ready to punch someone or like Dr. Stuffypants McTalkerson.

TL;DR. Please help me nip my ostentatious talking in the bud.

What big historic moments/decisions have happened over a meal?

jrsnr — Sun, 16 Jun 2013 02:42:13 -0800

I'm looking for specific examples of, for example, two world leaders sitting down for dinner and standing up with a peace treaty. To phrase the question differently, what is the most important thing that has ever happened at a dining table?

It's almost more like acquantances with benefits?

OrangeDrink — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 20:28:26 -0800

How should I talk to a friend I slept with about what the hell is going on? Howdy. I'm a straight male, and drank a whole bunch with two straight female friends of mine the other night. During this time, they were teasing me about how I haven't sex in a long time and that I need to just relax about the situation and have fun with someone. I walked one girl home to her house and she grabbed me, took me inside and we had sex. It was pretty fun, and hey, one time drunken sex doesn't necessarily mean anything.

However, a few days ago, She invited me out with some friends. I came out, and and again we ended up at her house having sex. She's always been physically affectionate towards me, and I've always enjoyed her company, but I can't imagine actually dating her. We have little in common and run out of things to say pretty quickly, our senses of humor don't really jive, and in general she's not what I'm looking for in a partner.

She's complained about how she finds guys to hang out or have sex with but who don't want to be in a relationship with her, so I sure as hell don't want to be one of those guys and reinforce that idea, but as things stand that's who I am. Maybe she's totally cool with just being FWB sort of a thing, but I don't know that, and need to figure out what she is looking for/thinks this is before I go on with this.

Do you have any suggestions on how to do this? I've never been in a situation like this before, but I get a sense she's hoping for more from this situation than I am.

Halp?

Giant hint or am I looking too much into things?

Anonymous — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 07:08:13 -0800

I can be very clueless sometimes, so I need your help: was my friend hinting at me or just making conversation? I'll make this as short as possible. I have a very close friend (he's a guy, I'm a gal) who broke things off with his fiance recently. He is very happy about his decision, no looking back. He went on vacation immediately after moving out, and I picked him up at the airport when he returned. I knew many of the details of the breakup, but apparently not everything. He was talking about how he realized that the ex is pretty horrible, etc. and he was talking about her being unaffectionate. He then tells me that he hasn't had sex in almost a year (she was never interested/body image issues) and how he is a very sexual person and very affectionate. He also talked about how he can't be in a relationship right now (neither of us can-we are in the same very intense professional program), but he doesn't want to hook up with random people. He basically said he is looking for a FWB, and was asking me if I felt he was attractive enough to be able to find someone to have sex with. I was driving in rush-hour traffic at the time, and really didn't know how to respond/couldn't have a deep conversation about it at the time.

So since I am clueless: was this a giant hint, or should I just chalk it up as conversation? I am planning on asking him directly, but won't be able to do so for about a week, and would like some insight on it. Is there a particular way I should approach this? FWIW, I am very interested in him (again, I can't be in a regular relationship at this point) and think maybe it would add a nice twist to our already close relationship. But I could be wrong.

Crash course in American etiquette

caesura — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 21:58:59 -0800

I'm from an immigrant family and I have never really learned American social customs. Reading the comments on recent etiquette questions has made me realize that I lack an understanding of unwritten social rules that most people take for granted. I am a young adult soon to be joining the work force, and I'd like to learn about these unstated expectations to avoid embarrassing myself. How can I teach myself these things? Are there books I should read, or just any basic tips I should know? I'm particularly interested in expectations in social situations among work colleagues - how to act at parties/outings/in the office, how much to spend on things, that sort of thing.

Help Me Find Some Strangers

shew — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 21:54:48 -0800

Hivemind! I need your help locating a trio of college kids that I recently spent the afternoon with on an excursion in Cancun. My family and I joined these guys (we were randomly selected as excursion-mates) on a tour through the 'jungle'... zip lining and cave snorkeling. I have something they want. We bought the photo package of the tour which included just the photos of my family. The guys didn't buy any photos. To my delight, when I got home, I noticed that their photos were included on our CD. I want to get them their amazing action shots. I mean really, you could make a calendar out of these guys.

I have first names... Jameson (Jamison?), Justin and Brendan. They told us they had just graduated from college at some UC or Cal State (can't remember the name) university. They are going their separate ways now... one of them moving to Aspen shortly.

Any ideas for how I can track these guys down?