Ask MetaFilter questions in the human relations category

Present for one of HM's new subjects?

MessageInABottle — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 10:09:44 -0800

Appropriate (humorous) gifts for British citizenship ceremony? Help. HiveMind! My boss is becoming a British citizen soon. I of course don't have to give him/her (just trying to minimise chances he/she'll see this and understand it's about him/her) a present but I'd like to because I quite like him/her. A tongue-in-cheek, just-as-a-token thing, simply because I have reason to believe he/she is doing this not only for practical but also for personal, sentimental reasons.
I thought of the obvious British flag paraphernalia but just wondered if anyone had any bright ideas (e.g. books, objects, etc.)
Any thoughts? All help gratefully received,
(and really sorry for the gender madness there, just did not want to ask this anonymously because, well, the query's nature just didn't seem to warrant it.)

Hard to find?

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 09:26:33 -0800

I'd like to know where is the best place to pick up bi women (18-30) in New York City? I'd like to know where is the best place to pick up bi women (18-30) or curious one in New York City? I'm bi (female) and have a boyfriend and I'm really interested in bringing in a third for fun. I would like to make friends with a girl and eventually ask her to join us. I'm super cute, sexy and fit and so is my SO. I'm confident and ready to do this but I'm not sure where to start. Can anyone tell me about their experiences, pointers on picking up a cute girl at a bar or where in the city would be a good place to do this (any events, bars, lounges that has worked for you)? Throwaway email.. hurtheartskippedabeat@gmail.com

This anxiety is obnoxious.

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 08:46:21 -0800

I'm stressed. Frequently. It seems like it's always to do with interactions with friends and lovers, but it's dragging me down. I would love to be able to let go of this anxiety-- the need to analyze every interaction, every word spoken and minor gesture-- and to allow people to distance themselves from me. It seems as though at the first sign (no matter how minuscule) of someone close to me acting strangely I automatically revert to this weepy puddle of all-consuming worry.

Sometimes the refrain in my head is "What did I do wrong?" but recently I've been able to ask myself this question and answer it honestly without dwelling any more. So... why am I still such a stress case about weird "vibes" that I pick up from my friends? I want to allow people to feel however they want and to speak to me only when they want to, but I feel I know them so well that I can tell when they are acting weird.

I'm not sure what to do, but I need to get a handle on it because it's driving me crazy.

How can I let go and allow people to dislike me?

How often do people change their minds about starting a family?

lilyflower — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 07:39:23 -0800

How often do people change their minds about starting a family? I have heard a lot of anecdotal evidence that people in their twenties say that they don't want to have children, and then reach their thirties and start a family. I have also heard many people saying to those who are ambivalent about children that "they will change their minds."

I would really like to find out if there have been any studies which have tracked people’s opinions on whether they "do want kids" or "do not want kids" and how those opinions may change over the years.

Does anyone know of any studies that have been done which asked people this sort of question?

I would also be interested in stats which consider people changing their mind due to meeting “the one”, men who get convinced by their female partners because now she definitely wants to have a child, and women who change their minds and put it down to “baby fever” or their "biological clock." I am particularly interested in studies which determine what proportion of people who say they don't want kids remain childfree.

I have read lots of threads on AskMefi about people being unsure and asking for advice, people who have answered included those who have become parents and say that they made a good decision, as do those who have remained childfree. Although anecdotes might suggest that "you'll change you're mind" most of the time, without having some idea of the change rate from statistical analysis I am less inclined to accept the premise as one size fits all.

Thank you in advance for your assistance.

Schizoaffective question

villazapat — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 06:21:24 -0800

Has anybody ever dated someone whom is schizoaffective, which is a combination of a mood disorder and psychotic symptoms. If you have , have you experienced being dumped without an explanation when you thought everything was going well.

I don't really know why this has to be awkward.

flawsekno — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:38:49 -0800

College freshman drama: After knowing A. for a week, I dated him for two; I was the one who broke it off. A month later, I started dating D. It's been three weeks since that started and things have been fantastic, except A. still refuses to talk to either one of us. This is awkward because we all live in the same dorm. Is there anything I can do to make things smoother? Yes, this is fairly typical college freshman drama; my apologies, and I'll try to keep things short.

I think that A.'s overreacting, but I did make a lot of mistakes while dealing with him. It was the first time dating for him; I was coming off of a messy quasi-relationship/break-up from the summer, and I entered into this relationship with A. much too quickly (more or less right when we got to college) partially to reassure myself that I was capable of a normal relationship. I broke things off because I was feeling overwhelmed and because I wasn't really into him--I only told him the former. I also told him that I wouldn't be dating D. about a week before I started doing exactly that--oops. It wasn't a lie at the time, but I did change my mind awfully fast. I've apologized to A. about this--the only (short, awkward) conversation we've had since I started dating D. Basically, I acted horribly.

Still, A.'s an interesting person and I miss talking to him, or at least having him greet me back when I say hi; I also dislike feeling like I have to police how I act towards D. in A.'s presence (not in the sense of restraining myself from unbridled makeouts, but in the sense of avoiding couple-y in-jokes and hand-holding, etc.). Neither D. nor I have been avoiding him or actively trying to see him, and I say hi and smile when I see him, but A. doesn't respond and generally tries to avoid being in the same room as us. We all see a lot of each other since we live in the same small (50-person) dorm. These are minor annoyances, but I'd like things to be less awkward if at all possible. Is there any chance that A. and I can have normal conversations in the near future, and if so, is there anything I can do to facilitate that transition? Should I be careful about how I act towards or talk to D. in A.'s presence, or should I just have A. deal with it? I don't want to be any more of a jerk to A. than I've already been.

Again, this isn't a big deal, but thanks so much for all your help!

Contempt as a response to cynicism: Is it a trap?

Talez — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:34:14 -0800

Out of despair I've started to respond to a co-worker's cynicism with contempt. I feel like I'm heading into an emotional trap. A guy at work is a bit of a cynical git who jumps into conversations unwanted and starts mocking the participants if he doesn't take a personal interest in the subject topic. I'm not sure why. Maybe he's too cool for school. Either way I've taken to ignoring him but he's recently started actively jump into conversations pointing out the faults of others in the presence of superiors (despite getting aggressively defensive himself should his personal failings come up) and generally being a conversation derailing douche when said superiors are not around.

I've gotten to the point where I let him say his spiel and then when he finished I turned back to the original person and said "as I was saying before dingus interrupted" which seemed to have shut him up for a bit.

But it just don't sit right. I feel like I'm going down a bad road but it was just so effective.

Out Damn Cat.... what now?

taff — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 20:46:57 -0800

I sprayed my neighbour's cat with the hose and now he's missing. What should I do? My neighbour Andrew has a cat and I've told him a number of times that I don't like the cat in our yard as I am highly, highly allergic and the cat sits on our outdoor furniture and if I leave our picnic rug for the baby to crawl on... on that too.

I have to admit that I despise cats for their wanton killing of native fauna too. So I sprayed it good and hard (the hose was on the "jet" setting... because that's the way my husband had left it, not because that was my choice). Andrew, my otherwise lovely neighbour, had told me to spray Pedro when he came over. I had asked if he was sure. And he said that his whole family had water pistols for stopping the cat from doing things around the house.

So, I sort of chased the cat around the yard, till it left, with the hose. Last I saw he was on top of our shared perimeter fence but I didn't have my glasses on and didn't look too closely.

That was this morning around 08.30hrs. It's not 15.30hrs and Pedro has not returned. Andrew and his adult daughter (who had a loud party last night with a cackling hyena stopping us from sleeping.. and smokers who stopped us from having our windows open...but I digress..although that should explain the extremely bad mood I was in.)

Pedro has never been in the front of their property apparently. And that seems to be the way he went. Andrew's daughter is furious... apparently she was on the other side of the fence and saw the whole thing... or "experienced" the whole thing probably. Andrew said there was a vast amount of water on his property and he worried I had drowned the cat.

My question is... how should I proceed? I've sort of looked for the cat... but I'm a bit stuck with two kids and even if I did find it, could hardly pick it up and carry it home. If the cat is gone forever, what should I do? And if the cat does return home, what should I do? And what if they don't tell me if Pedro comes home, should I enquire? Should I offer to buy them half a new cat? When is it too soon to suggest that?

I've already said I'd keep an eye out for him and said they're welcome to come over to our yard to look for him. I often hear them calling for him... so he's frequently doing his own thing somewhere where he shouldn't, I guess. But I suspect I may have contributed to the loss of this cat. We live near a very busy road, and on a reasonably busy road.

Help hivers.... I know it's only a cat... but he is their precious pet and they're really nice neighbours. They've scoured the block and there's no sign of him.

Where can I meet fellow grad students?

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 18:27:11 -0800

Where can I go to meet cool UT grad students in Austin. I am a grad student at UT in Austin in a field full of professional types. Think business, law, public affairs. In college, I had friends from a variety of areas, including creative types (arts, film, music) and science people. I miss this, but my program is very insular. Where do the grad students hang out around campus or in the city? Seeking the ability to meet a variety of people. I need friends outside of my program, and grad students are great because we have similar lifestyles, spend a lot of time on campus, etc. It would also be nice to have a dating pool one day that is not in my same school. I am 25, if that helps. Thanks!

Probably-needlessly-complicated-family-drama-filter.

Tha Race Card — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:37:54 -0800

So my grandfather is really sick and I haven't seen him in four years. Up until I turned eleven or twelve, our relationship was great. After that, not so much. Long, sorry. My family is split into two, distinct groups. There is my mother's side, that includes my sister and myself and my mom, obviously. We are a fucked little unit with a long and violent history of abuse (perpetrated by mom). The other side is everyone else, basically. My grandfather is sort of a prolific manwhore. He was no less than 14 children, the youngest of whom is 6, many by different mothers, and all of these people make up my family. His "main bitch," a woman named Bea, is his second wife. The children she had with him are the relatives I'm closest too. Complicated. In any case, the two sides of my family have never really mixed. My mother resents my grandfather's second wife and Bea has never really accepted my mother as a real part of her family. This is partly because my grandfather's first wife, my mother's mother, is crazy. My grandfather's first marriage was crazy abusive, unfaithful, and codependent and ended when my grandmother literally tried to kill him. So Bea doesn't really like my mom.

Part of my mother's abuse, aside from the hitting and emotional stuff, was a sort of intense forced isolation. No visits from friends, no after school activities of any kind, no playing outside, and only select visits from a few members of my extended family: my Aunt Julia, my Uncle Oscar, and my grandfather. The days when they would visit are the few from my childhood that I remember with any sort of fondness. My mother seemed happier, certainly less angry when they were around. Distracted.

Around age twelve, my sister and I began to realize how horrible our home life was and we began reaching out for help. This meant, for me, opening up for the first time to close friends and teachers and to the extended family I was closest too: Oscar and my grandfather. For my sister, this meant burning down our house. My sister's tactic worked better than mine. While my mom isolating us had worked to some extent to hide the abuse, my sister burning down the house pretty much put it all up in everyone's faces. My uncle and my grandfather and social workers could dismiss the things I told them as tough love, but they couldn't dismiss the absolute rage it would take for a 14 year-old girl to burn every single one of her earthly possessions.

My sister was taken away and put in a group home for "troubled girls" which against all odds worked spectacularly for her. It was a safe and supportive place and now she's a kick ass lady. I, however, was left behind alone with my mom, and while the physical abuse stopped once I gained a few inches on her, the emotional stuff never did. It was pretty obvious that something wasn't right and my cries for help became more and more desperate and self-destructive. My uncle believed me but encouraged me to try to work it out with my mother. My grandfather stopped coming over pretty much as soon as I started growing tits. I've always suspected he doesn't really understand the "point" of women he can't, for whatever reason, sleep with.

The years of abuse finally ended with my mother selling our house and moving back to Honduras the year I turned 18, leaving me alone in Boston with no money and no place to go. After 18 years of shit and then a very abrupt abandonment, I was scared and depressed and crazy. Oscar convinced Bea to let me stay for the summer in the apartment she shared with my grandfather. When she came back to the country with him, two months later, she told me I had to go. My grandfather had no opinion on the matter. The only relative I had left to turn to was my crazy ass grandmother. The one who tried to kill him. I lived with her for a year. The worst year of my life. For that entire year I never heard from anyone in my family but Oscar and my sister. My mom wouldn't talk to me, Bea didn't give a fuck, and neither did my grandfather. It took me four years to recover from all of that. I'm 23 now with friends who care about me and an awesome boyfriend and an apartment that I can pay for and that no one can make me leave and a job and school and I feel like I'm getting to be whole again.

So now my grandfather's sick. Really sick. He's had two strokes and apparently isn't breathing on his own. My uncle has asked me to go see him and I'm scared. And angry. I asked my grandfather to help me when I couldn't help myself and he turned away from me. I don't know that he's asked to see me or if he's even capable of doing so. There's a part of me that feels that I have to go in case "this is it," that I owe him that. I feel like not wanting to see him makes me a bad person. I'm afraid that if I don't go my relationship with my uncle would be ruined. I'm afraid that I'll go and I'll be surrounded by all of these people who don't consider me actual family and someone will say some shit and I'll feel scared, and lonely, and depressed all over again. Or I'll just freak out and their suspicions about me and my side of the family will be confirmed. I think I have to go but I can't make myself do it. I don't know how to deal with this and I'm don't even know what the right thing to do is. Advice from people with similarly fucked families would be nice. Thanks, metafilter.

What can today's fat man do for tomorrow's fit man?

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:59:37 -0800

Is it possible to ask someone out several months in advance? I've met someone great, but I've met them too soon! Timing is everything, and I've managed to meet someone fantastic several months prematurely. She's kind and curious and beautiful and there's some attraction and chemistry between us that I'm botching because I like her so much that I'm a complete nervous wreck. And the thing that's making me nervous, the thing that prevents me from just making a move and asking her out properly has an expiration date.

My anxiety-from-attraction problem is actually a weight problem, in that I'm just fat enough to not really be a genuinely viable dating option, and I'm so revolted by the current state of my body that, even if a woman is honestly telling me that I turn her on, I'm incapable of believing her. The solution, obviously, is to lose the weight and I've been working on it long enough to have my fatness on the run, to have it contained to a few final key areas. In about a year - perhaps as soon as midsummer, even - I should be down to my goal weight.

If I had a time machine, I'd fix so it so that I hadn't met this girl until then. Because while I love spending time with her, while there's always this gentle flirty undercurrent to our interactions, while there's reason upon reason to believe that she and I would be a good match, I'm just not ready to make a move. When we hang out, the embraces and little touches and lingering looks she gives me, which should be a thrill, make me tense instead because those are all excellent ways for her to gather more evidence of my flabbiness. I feel so strongly about this girl that I don't want to expose her to my anxiety-tainted affections and I don't want to make her contemplate embracing the flabby mess that I am today. I've got to lose the last of my fatness to be the kind of guy she deserves.

But midsummer or next year is a long way off, and having this secret is really messing me up around her. Just yesterday she was lobbing all these softballs and asking one leading question after another and I botched the whole interaction. The conflict between my attraction to her and the strength of this mental block I've got going leave me a nervous, stammering mess in her presence. I feel like I gotta get this off my chest or make some kind of move or something soon, but not with this body. But the time it'll take to escape this body is plenty of time for my awkwardness to torpedo this relationship or for her to meet someone else and get serious with him.

How should I navigate this situation? Is there any way to tell someone that you're dying to ask them out but can't do it until you've got your weight problem handled? Would it just be the weirdest thing in the world to tell someone that you like them so much you can hardly stand it, but you're not going to act on it for months? Is there any way to make her not think of dating me, but me minus this last fifty pounds? Would it be creepy or flattering to find out that taking you out was the goal driving a friend's last push to get into shape? I'm so glad we met, but now is the worst time! What should I do?

(in case it's needed for any reason, ensignaleksandr@gmail.com is my throwaway gmail for this question)

Mom at her wit's end / Therapy in San Diego

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:49:55 -0800

My mom has always had high anxiety, been prone to fear and pessimism, and has tended to focus on her fears in a very repetitive, verbal way that is often tiring to those around her. Her situation has worsened recently for several reasons. I want to help her find help. This question is both about therapy in general and for recommendations in San Diego in particular. I've been thinking about writing this question to metafilter for several months. This was pushed over the edge this morning when, upon arriving to visit for thanksgiving, my mom opened the floodgates to me, telling me that she now wants to finally take antidepressants after resisting for many years. I told her that I'd like her to at least consider trying alternatives beforehand, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy and meditation techniques, as I (and in the case of the latter, her former therapist) have been encouraging her to for many years. I think both of these hold a lot of potential, as her current method for coping with stress largely involves focusing an incredible amount of mental activity on the problem, usually spinning it out to catastrophic fantasies, and telling stories about both the facts of the situation and her imagined scenarios repeatedly to family members, friends, etc. She seems open to cognitive behavioral, but is skeptical about meditation, as she thinks it is useless because she can't stop thinking when she tries to meditate. When I tell her that is exactly WHY she should keep trying, she gives me a tired look. Part of the problem here, really intertwined with all of the problems I'm talking about, is that I know my mom is a perfectionist and cannot stand the thought of failing at anything. She'd usually rather not try.

I love my mom deeply and don't want to understate my empathy. In the past, it seemed that she had a tendency towards what some call "destructive emotions," forming perceived rivalries with co-workers, losing friends and allies (professionally and personally) through acts that she (often understandably) perceived as deeds based on good principle, and being constantly hurt and dismayed through these processes. It's one thing to be stubborn, quite another to be stubborn AND insecure about people's perceptions of you at the same time.

Recently events have pushed her stress to a boiling point. Her brother died last year at 61 years old of lymphoma. Even though she was never very emotionally close to him, and in fact considered him worth a large part of the blame for the development of her insecurities (he really wasn't a very nice brother when they were young, in terms of self-esteem - putting her down, excluding her, etc.), she says that she still cannot stop thinking about her grief, primarily because she cannot accept that she will never speak to him again. These events have also combined with the condition of my 91-year-old grandmother, living in a condominium in Florida, who seems to perhaps be finally entering a real cognitive senescence, probably not coincidentally as her friends and other points of social contact progressively die and move away. My mom feels great guilt at leaving grandma out there, does not know if she can afford to take her in, and is disturbed by some dementia-like events, such as grandma becoming convinced that her son's (my mom's brother's) body was misplaced and that he is somewhere other than his grave.

I almost hesitate to even describe the next. About two weeks ago, my mom found my dad nursing a bottle of vodka in the garage. He had apparently been going like that (not every night, but consistently) for 2-3 years. Dad called me and my brother to tell us he had a problem, but has insisted to mom that he resolve this on his own, in private. In general, dad is not very emotive (this is largely due to his having a very abusive father), which does make he and my mom an odd couple in many ways. I do not agree with his method and plan to talk with him about possibilities such as AA, as I take his alcoholism to be related to a self-isolation that he should deal with more head-on (an issue perhaps worth its own mefi question, but not just yet.) In the meantime, mom also tells me that my life choices have been grieving her. In particular, as a PhD student, I have taken up field research on the US-Mexico border. Suffice to say for now that I think I have taken the right precautions, but she thinks the whole endeavor is unnecessary, that I am naive, and that it is appropriate on her part to respond by staying up at night worrying about me. Regardless of the impact of each of these individual factors, she tells me that she can barely get to sleep at night these days, and she shows many signs of fatigue and emotional fraying.

Now that I have aired an incredible amount of dirty laundry: do people think that I am right to suggest that she try other things before antidepressants? My main issue is that I see a coping problem. I think my mom is deeply, problematically "in her own head," and that if she could spend time with someone skilled at disassembling her kneejerk emotional pathways, that maybe she could begin to deal with her problems differently, find more empathy with others, take solace in what she has, and not dedicate so much mental energy to catastrophizing. She has always been an extremely high-stress person; she has also alienated herself from people, for as long as I can remember, due to her way of turning social interactions into a forum for a sort of firehose-let-me-tell-you-about-all-my-problems activity. (Her immediate family members deal with this differently. She considers me the only one who consistently listens and actively talks with her about it. My dad and brother both tell me that they frequently tune out because they feel unable to grapple with all of it.) It seems to me that this is about more than antidepressants, and that if she took more time to step outside her normal pathways of mental storytelling, maybe she could gain perspective and deal with these things differently.

So, depending on your answer to the question about antidepressants, I wonder if anyone has advice on therapists in the San Diego area who might be good for this situation, whether because they specialize in cognitive behavioral therapy, work on mindfulness techniques, or something else. I thank you for even considering the situation and apologize for the lack of succinctness. It's a tough one for me.

Sorry for your loss and by the way you're a terrible person

green_flash — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:48:55 -0800

I've been told that it's not uncommon for friends to either ignore or drop you after you've been through the process of death/dying of a loved one. Good or bad, sometimes people just can't deal with that type of situation. However I've had 2 friends in recent months go off on me, tell me that I'm a terrible person, and that I'd said/done something that offended me so much that they don't want to be my friend anymore. Both accusations took me by surprise and I'm now wondering, did they wait to say anything to me until after my loved one passed? I just spent a really long and really draining/sad period of my life taking care of a dying family member. The grief process is hard and I'm learning that besides missing this person and the frustration of taking care of them, I have a lot of anger/depression just from watching them die painfully and before their time. I'm not the easiest person in the world to be around, but I've had a lot of wonderful people reach out to me to let me know that they've been through this experience and I will too. It's also been hard because like most people, I'm worried about what the economy could do to my job and I also just went through a cancer scare (false positive thank God). So I can be sarcastic, depressed and moody, but most people have told me that under the circumstances, it's a completely normal reaction.

However in the recent months since this death, I've had two different friends go off on me about things I've said/done and how I'm just a terrible/insensitive person. Now, one of the lessons I've taken away from this death is being aware of my shortcomings and striving to be a kinder, more patient and more forgiving person. So while I certainly did take the valid criticisms of these friends to heart and apologized for any pain I've caused them, in both cases I've been told "Well, you just don't get it."

I can understand not wanting to add to the stress of somebody who was in my situation and how sometimes people allow resentments to add up until it comes spilling out. And I can definitely pinpoint the shortcomings I have in my relationships and try to work on being a kinder, more patient person. What I can't understand though, is getting told off in this manner. If the situation were reversed, even if I were incredibly angry/offended by somebody, I just can't see myself confronting them in that manner if they'd just gone through the type of experience I just had. Or at least I would have said something in maybe more of a gentler manner, knowing that this person is already going through a pretty hard time in their life.

Also I would guess it makes a difference, but these are both very buttoned down personalities. It's pretty hard to get either one of them to be open about themselves and their feelings. So in general I feel like the friendship has sort of run its course because I'm the polar opposite. I like to be up front with people about what's going on inside my head, which may be the trait that each person is finally reacting against.

give me a sign! women and their ways to show they like you

sniperantics — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:29:15 -0800

i'm absolutely smitten by this girl. i find myself constantly thinking about her. but what are the signs of that she may an interest back? i've not been this attracted to someone since my last relationship. it's been almost a year since that break-up ... and lots has past. then along came this girl. we're members of the same church group but i actually met her at a church conference this past september. it was very civil, but it was an instance during a group dinner that drew me to her. we were discussing eyelashes (haha) and she added at the time that she thought hers were too short ... at that point i said, "hmmm, let me see ..." and she drew quite close to me while i 'examined' her eyes. what an ethereal experience! something so non-chalant, so inexpressive and simple just took my breathe away ... however I am not so certain she received the same type of experience.

since then it has been a series of playful conversations via mostly email and text, with select few phone convos ... i think she's making me jump hoops for her time and attention. and thru the method and nuances of my messages and the way I 'randomly' contact her, it must be obvious to her that I am attracted to her ... or is she? i need some thing concrete. I'm trying to be persistent but at the same not come out so needy. women, i need your insights. i really like this one.

"What are you doing?" "I'm ending our friendship." NOOOOO!

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:34:59 -0800

Help! Can I salvage this friendship even after experiencing the searing pain of rejection? (CAUTION: lengthy beanplating)

Okay. About six months ago, I posted a smart, sassy personal ad under "strictly platonic" on the local Craigslist (not in the US) seeking someone to talk to, hang out with, with the intention of expanding my social circles and being introduced to someone else's social circle. It was w4m since most of my friends (maybe 90%) are girls and I don't have enough guy friends. Having never used CL before, I was surprised by the caliber of responses, mostly coming from interesting, articulate people, and ended up hanging out with someone who really did turn into a friend, and corresponded with a couple more who were local, but were currently assigned elsewhere for work.

Enter: The Man I Speak Of. Despite being an American in America and being over a decade older than me and never having made a friend over the Internet before, he replied to my ad. He had been to my city some years ago, and he worked in the airline industry and so could pretty much fly anywhere. Now, of course, being a MeFite and having been a nethead for 14 years, I am no stranger to online interactions with people from around the world, and upon the requisite Googlestalking, he seemed to be everything he said he was, so I thought, what the hey, why not? He wasn't the best speller, but he still seemed articulate, had a questioning mind, liked to think on his feet, an extrovert, was also interested in books and movies and music, and best of all, he was extremely funny and there was a certain je ne sais quoi in the way he wrote that just made his personality jump off the page. (I'm sure you can see where this is going.) Our highly enthusiastic e-mails escalated in frequency to daily, and eventually we also started chatting daily (with the occasional voice chat). At one point we were chatting twice a day for hours, despite the time differences: when I woke up and he was getting ready for bed, and when he woke up and I was getting ready for bed. We would even chat when he was traveling. If we couldn't chat, he would e-mail or leave an offline message, some little nugget for me to find. (Data point: he was on extended leave from work, and I was between jobs.) I can't even remember what we talked about, mostly getting-to-know-you stuff and common interests I suppose. He would jokingly censor himself when I complained that he ranted too much. We had a strange relationship. It was still strictly platonic on the surface, even somewhat paternal, but clearly we were getting very attached to each other. Eventually, we decided that this wasn't very healthy, and decided to cut back to chatting only once a day. The next time he traveled, he didn't bring his laptop. He started attending adult classes and working on a writing project, so he would have some accomplishments to show for when he comes back from his leave. Good, right?

Three months into it, I'm not sure how, our voice chat turned somewhat flirtatious when he complimented my voice and my laugh. I was flattered, and of course I really liked him, but I wasn't sure if I could put any stock into it, since we hadn't met. He had sent me his picture, but while he wasn't unattractive, I wasn't sure if I was attracted to it, or to him physically, so I kept myself in check. Then, maybe a week later, he started acting strange and distant. I didn't catch him online for days, and he didn't leave any notes. It seemed like he was avoiding me. So then I ask what's up, and he goes "What am I going to do with you?" Then he admited that he had a drinking problem, that he couldn't lie to me, that he had been thinking hard about it because he wanted to be more than friends, that he knew he could be very charming, but that he didn't want me to make any emotional investment in him without knowing this very huge thing and he was worried I would write him off.

Well, dear MeFites, I didn't write him off but I also didn't know how to handle the bomb he dropped. (I mean, up until this worldly older man, I had mostly been involved with geeky types, engineer types, and sensitive indie musician types.) I really, really, really liked him, but I told him that it was something I could handle if we were friends, but that it would definitely be a problem if we were to be more than friends. So, we stayed friends, and of his own volition, he started seeing a doctor and going to AA meetings. I tried to be very, very supportive and help him stay positive. He had previously kicked his smoking habit, I knew he could do it. The tenor of our conversations changed: deeper, more serious. We both expressed a desire to lighten up, but for some reason it would constantly tip towards the heavy end.

In spite of myself, I started to develop feelings for him. Rationally, I knew it wasn't a good idea, but I couldn't help feeling tender and affectionate after he showed such vulnerability. I started becoming uncomfortable with the nature of his friendship with an attractive married colleague he had a crush on, and even more uncomfortable that he vaguely implied having had "friends with benefits" and outright upset at the possibility of him jumping on an opportunity if it arose. Yet I didn't necessarily want to be "with" him and it felt unfair, I didn't own him. But I liked him a lot and felt very attached to him. He had asked me out to see a certain movie and he planned on coming to my city for a week, but that no longer seemed to be on the horizon (he said it would be December at the soonest) given all the things he wanted to do (lose weight, attend more classes, do the 90 meetings in 90 days in AA, complete the writing project), and so we chatted less and less.

And then the disaster happened. I won't give any details because I don't want to turn this into a pity party, but a major natural disaster ravaged the region, and we were pretty badly hit. I sought him out for comfort, and he in turn was supportive towards me. He seemed to really want to help, but realistically there was nothing I could ask him to do.

I lost my Internet, and we no longer chatted regularly. Then I learned to tether my mobile phone and logged on more, but he would no longer go online at the "regular" times, unless we set up a time to chat. But even when we set up a time to chat, and I would be late for a few minutes because I had trouble connecting or grabbed a bite before logging on, he would not wait for me like he used to, now that I didn't have a constant connection. One time, just to prove my hunch, I was online right on the dot and stayed invisible. He was late, stayed online for 3 minutes, and left without leaving an offline message or e-mail. I felt him growing cold. Maybe he lost interest. Maybe there was someone else. He did say there was a woman he liked who he wanted to be his sponsor, but according to AA rules it had to be another man. I asked him to tell me if something was up. He said the only thing that had changed was his schedule, that he couldn't keep up the same hours he used to, and that it would be the same if he went back to work.

A month after the disaster, I was grasping at straws, I couldn't stand it anymore. I wrote him a longish e-mail explaining why I was acting strange, that I felt that I was losing him, that I felt confused and may have feelings for him, that I missed him, and lighter times. I said that I had to lay low for a while, and maybe later on I would be back to my rational self and be happy for him and the new developments in his life. I told him he didn't have to reply. Well, he did reply and say that he could go online at 9:00am his time the next day. So I went online and waited. And waited. And waited. An hour later, he was still not online, so I fired off a line about how it was getting ridiculous. He e-mailed back and apologized for forgetting, noted that I seemed mad, and said that since I kept late hours, he thought he might still catch me. I said that it was just that after I had sent that embarrassing e-mail, going online to chat with him felt like having to face the firing squad, and that when he didn't show up, I felt like an idiot, but that I meant it that he didn't have to reply. (I partly wished he wouldn't, as I wanted it to be a swan song of sorts.) He sent a couple of e-mails a few days apart, pretending to work on a response, and when the actual "response" came (a one-word text file) I wondered if he was just dicking me around or if it was part of a running gag between us (him building up something which ends up being nothing, applied to jokes, anecdotes, faux documents). However, I was too sore about previous events that I didn't dignify it with a response until two weeks later, just one line. He asked me how a trip I took was. I replied with just information about the trip and nothing more. Since then, silence.

It hurts so much.

I know, I know, I know, it was a stupid thing to do and this only means he doesn't feel the same, and he has offered no reassurance. I can't seem to get it into my head that even though he once indicated he wanted to be more than friends, he no longer feels the same way.

I can't stop thinking about him. Why am I so attracted to his words? It feels like an addiction, and I'm experiencing withdrawal. But I know that even I got what I wanted, it would still be unhealthy, that continuing to chat with him would be an incredibly bad idea for both of us. I know I need to stay away. Yet I do still want to be friends with this man. I still value his insights and opinions, and I like him a lot as a person regardless of all that has happened.

How do I deal with my feelings for him?
How do I make it hurt less?
Most importantly, how can I save our friendship?

I am at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do.

Speaking with confidence

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:11:11 -0800

How can I start speaking confidently without worrying about people disagreeing with me? During the past couple of years I (male, 20s) spent a lot of time around people who frequently criticized and nitpicked the things I said. This has made me less confident expressing my opinions and thoughts in conversation. Instead of speaking with confidence, I'm internally anticipating every possible disagreement with what I'm saying. As a result, I sound like I'm not sure of myself, which makes people even less likely to agree with me.

It has even come to the point of affecting my internal dialogue. I'll formulate a thought, and then reflexively poke holes in it.

How do I break out of this cycle? It's more a reflex than a conscious habit, making it difficult to will myself to stop doing it. I have distanced myself from the unsupportive people mentioned earlier, and am starting to socialize more with friendlier people. (However, I have always been more of a lone wolf, and that is unlikely to change soon.)

Note: I think the problem is more specific than general low self-confidence, since I have great self-confidence in many respects (opinion of my intelligence, ability to succeed, attractiveness, and to a certain extent social skills). FWIW, I don't have a history of trauma, depression or any other mental illness.

How, if at all, is sex different after a vasectomy?

Anonymous — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:11:06 -0800

How, if at all, is sex different after a vasectomy? NSFW details inside. Looking for first-hand experiences about what sex is like after a vasectomy. Does it feel substantially different in any way? Erections harder to get/maintain? What about ejaculation - that still happens, right? More, less, the same?

All the lonely people

Ziggy Zaga — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 21:41:12 -0800

The world is full of lonely people. I'd like to bring some of them together... at least the ones in my general vicinity. But I need your help in finding the best ways to go about this. I was thinking about starting a meetup.com group or something for my local area catering specifically to the shy/socially anxious/avoidant demographic. I know there are lots of shy people out there but aside from the occasional support group, there's really not much bringing us all together. My hope is that a group targeting this demographic will help draw them out of the house and into an accommodating social environment.

I haven't quite settled on a particular "theme" or type of event that we'd do, but ideally the meetups would facilitate some degree of interaction between the participants without pushing anybody too far beyond their comfort zone.

So, I'm looking for games, activities or workshops a (presumed) group of 7 or 8 could do that are fun (no worksheets/self-assessments), social (no movies), and cheap (because I don't want money to be an excuse for someone to not attend). I can host in my own home if necessary. We could sit there and talk about our problems (which I'm not too keen on since I'm not a therapist) or we could play social games (Apples to Apples or Pictionary may be good for starters) but I need more ideas than that.

Thanks!

How does your comfort level in relationships show?

hollygirl — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 19:46:28 -0800

This is REALLY not about the toilet seat...or is it?!? Men, I need your advice!! Women, there is a question inside for you too! Help! My wonderful boyfriend of 2+ years has ALWAYS been considerate and has put the toilet seat down when he is done. I've never asked him to do this; he just did, which I really appreciated and expressed to him in the past.

We are very close. Have a solid relationship and have learned to adjust to each other.

Here is the weird part: All of the sudden, out of nowhere, he starts leaving the toilet seat up. All. The. Time. I've fallen in. I've shrieked in the middle of the night. I've asked nicely. It still stays up. AND AFTER TWO YEARS OF ALWAYS PUTTING IT DOWN!!!!!!

I've always believed that a change in behavior signifies something....I'm just not sure what in this case!

So I asked him about it in a relaxed, "Hey honey, I've always appreciated how you've been so thoughtful about this. Can you please make the effort again?" kinda way.

His response is that he is now comfortable with me to a degee that he was not before. I appreciate this and I want him to feel comfortable, but to me I feel like I'm being taken for granted. (GF has been around 2 years...no longer need to make the effort. That's how I see it.)

This issue of asking him to try and he saying he will and then doesn't has been going on for over two months now.

FWIW, I've been wanting to get married. He is completely committed to me but needs small steps to get there so part of me thinks that there is truth to his new level of comfort...and he DOES act as if he is more comfortable too. He is 43; I am 38.

My questions: Men, I want to know from you: is this REALLY an issue of comfort? Do men really get to a plateau that is truly indicitive of a level of comfort--that shows in an overt way?? Is this a passive-aggressive way to piss me off (ha ha)? For women: When do my feelings factor in? How do you factor comfort with the courtesies of keeping a relationship alive? And yes... I even told him I'd be willing to leave the seat up for him when I was done.

I HAVE seen all the other posts about the toilet seat, but my question is really one of reaching comfort levels in relationships without turning in to roommates....this just happens to be coming through in way of a plastic toilet seat.

Any advice and personal experience will be most helpful. Thanks everyone!

Stuck in the dreaded “friend zone”!

RandomGradStudent — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:55:15 -0800

So as fate would have it, I am sharing an apartment with a girl that I am very attracted to. And now it seems as if I've been perma-friended. (For the sake of discussion, lets forgo the “dating roommates is a bad idea” discussion.) Roommate: Female grad student from China in her late 20s. Never left home through college and graduate school, until she came to the United States and became my roommate. Never dated, let alone had a boyfriend. Currently single.

Me: Late 20s male grad student. Never dated.

Goal: Establish a long term romantic relationship with aforementioned roommate.

We have a very good rapport, and have high opinions of each other.

The problems: 1) Lack of relationship experience on both of our parts (and potentially the cultural barrier as well) makes it hard to subtly suggest that I am interested in her. In addition, many of the subtle "I'm interested in you" signals simply aren't available anymore. We frequently treat each other to dinners, cook for each other, take over chores, buy things for each other (i.e. flowers, geek toys, etc).

I suppose I could man up, and directly ask her, except...
2) Since she has no car and we live in a public-transit black hole, she's rather dependent on me to get to the grocery store, medical appointments, and such. If she's not interested, bluntly bring up the issue would make life very awkward and difficult for her, very quickly; more so than the average "roommate relations went sour" scenarios.

Moving out is out of the question; when I brought up the possibility of moving, she assumed that she'd move with me and started giving input on what “we” should look for in a potential apartment. Staying this way indefinitely is not an option; eventually she'll fall for somebody, and I don't want to be that "awesome roommate" who spent all weekend helping her move her stuff into her boyfriend's place.

The geek solution of googling for the answer has failed, so I'm turning to you, the MeFites: How the hell do I get myself out of the friend zone?

How to handle Christmas stay envy?

Flitcraft — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:45:33 -0800

What's the best way to stand up to my mother about Christmas and to handle her jealousy about our better relationship with my partner's parents? She's determined to make the holiday season into a zero sum game with my partner's mother My partner and I originally set a rule of not going to either party's parents for Christmas, but doing our own thing instead- partly to have fun and partly to avoid my very difficult mother who goes into overdrive at Christmas. This worked until partner agreed that we should spend last Christmas with his parents, arguing that just because my mother is very difficult, his mother shouldn't be deprived. We weren't able to stop my mother finding out, and she's now trying to leverage it into guilting us into spending Christmas with her and my stepfather. When I say no, (and I'm going to) there's going to be a major tantrum about why she isn't getting the same treatment and she will cast up to me everything I/we've done with my partner's parents. The truth is, they're a lot easier to get on with, and we're a lot more comfortable with them, but I can't say this to her without hurting her/ making for an even worse argument. What's the best way to handle her jealousy of our better relationship with my partner's parents?

Unblocking the emotional dam - slowly!

Anonymous — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 08:30:12 -0800

How can I make space for my emotions and feel safe letting myself feel them? I've recently started seeing a psychologist, who pointed out last week that despite being female, I have a very "masculine" way of dealing with things - or rather, not dealing with them. I hadn't actually noticed until she said it, but my entire life I've kind of shut off any "weak" emotions - even as a child I only cried once in primary school - and tried to just be stoic about things. I used to think this was a good thing but I'm beginning to realise it's not really helping me. I am now in recovery for an eating disorder which for a long time I didn't even realise I had, and now that I am not using starvation as a coping method, I'm aware that a lot of painful stuff is bubbling just beneath the surface and it's going to have to come out some time but I'm afraid to go there - meanwhile, I'm getting bouts of depression etc. A year ago I left a very unhealthy relationship totally heartbroken and destroyed. I tried to deal with this in the way a guy would (never speak of it again + conquests) but I know it's just a temporary measure and I'm STILL not over it. All the hurtful things in my life I've always just acted like they didn't affect me and belittled with jokes if anyone asked. But underneath I feel like something is broken inside me and I'm too scared to touch it in case I fall right apart. I have trouble sleeping and lots of bad dreams. I know I have to face this but my therapist appointments are a week apart.

I'm looking for any tips on how to go about this (I have tried journalling and writing unsent letters but am looking for other ideas, especially for when it's dark and quiet and these thoughts start to come up) - just blocking it out and trying to hurriedly move on with my life doesn't seem to be working anymore but I don't want to get "stuck" in this stuff either. Meditation techniques or something might be good. Maybe if I can set aside a half hour each day or something? There are some things that I almost start to think about but then it feels like putting my hand back in a fire that burnt me once so I quickly change the subject in my head. What would happen if I allow myself to go there? Should I? Can one really "process" past hurt or is it masochistic to revisit it in your head? Is it necessary?

What's worked for you? How do you process really painful stuff? Were you scared that you'd lose yourself in the grief? Is it a good or bad idea to talk to people (friends) about this stuff or better to just continue to pretend to be ok? Anecdotes and advice appreciated!

Do I warn a friend that her new boyfriend was my date rapist?

honeybee413 — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 00:09:27 -0800

Three years ago, I was date-raped by my then-boyfriend. Some of our mutual friends know, some don't. I just found out that a friend in the know is trying to set up another friend's sister with my rapist. What, if anything, should I do? (Apologies for the lengthy description that follows...) Almost three years ago to the day, I was dating a guy I had been friends with for years. We had agreed to take the physical component of our relationship slowly; the issue was discussed extensively. We went to a party together and both had a little too much to drink, were sober-driven back to his place, where he raped me.

I was not on contraceptives at the time, and ended up pregnant. I planned to terminate, but miscarried before that happened. Didn't break up with him until that point, either. I was ashamed of what had happened to me (very typical "this was my fault for not having control over the situation" guilt). I broke up with him after the miscarriage, and there was a discussion of what happened that night (which I called rape, but which he flatly denied... whatever, no still means no). I didn't press charges because I didn't want to ruin his life.

The whole thing was deeply traumatic for me. I'm fine now, went through therapy, didn't date for a very long time. I got through it in large part because I have a phenomenal network of friends, and I was fortunate enough to be able to move hundreds of miles away a few months after. We share a lot of friends. Some of them know what happened (i.e. the friends that were more mine than his), but most of them don't. I'd prefer to keep it that way if possible.

Flash forward to tonight, three years later, when two of those mutual friends are getting married. Neither of these friends know what happened. I stayed sober at the reception because a) I want to keep it that way, b) I don't want to ruin my friends' day, and c) I don't make a habit of putting myself in potentially unsafe situations. It's enough for me to deal with that he's going to be there in the first place.

I found out later that my best friend, and one of the only people I've told, is setting up the bride's friend with my rapist. I am (obviously and hopefully, understandably) alarmed at this prospect, as I would never think to set up a friend with a person that I knew to have a predatory past.

I don't know if I'm missing something here. I haven't talked to him since I ended it. I don't know if he's changed - he's never expressed any remorse over the situation to anyone that I know of. When I knew him, he had a temper that flared when he was intoxicated, and which had lasting consequences for me. I would hate to have it happen to another girl if I knew that I could prevent it.

Should confront my friend about the set-up? Should I go to the bride's sister (who I am acquainted with) and tell her what happened to me? Should I just casually warn her off? Or should I just say that the situation is none of my business, since I don't really know him anymore?

Help me get over my stupid complexes so I can enjoy/succeed in college academics/life.

randomname25 — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 22:17:59 -0800

I'm finally on my own and liberal arts school should be the place for me. But I'm still approaching my coursework from the standpoint of "how little can I do and how late can I do it and still not utterly fail," and it's making me hate myself. This is very long, and for that I am sorry. Since I'm talking about a psychological problem it's hard for me to determine which details are important and which aren't.

I'm a sophomore at a small liberal arts school. I went to a Montessori elementary school, where almost no homework was assigned, and started public school in fifth grade, where instantly a ton of homework was assigned (new teacher). My mom would keep me in my room from the time I got home to around 10 or 11 pm (with a break for dinner), making sure I did everything up to her unreasonably high standards. When I protested she would yell at me that all work and no play was how it was going to be for most of my life and that, essentially, I was deeply defective if I didn't adapt. When I would refuse to do my homework entirely, she'd call my dad up and he'd join in. This was the period of tension that preceded my highly educated parents' extremely acrimonious and loud divorce, and this was one of the few activities they could still partake in together. Sitting down to do homework became associated with humiliation and submission. The disgust with which my mom (who was most other times very loving) looked at me when I failed to understand something turned learning from the ongoing adventure I used to see it as into an ongoing anxiety-inducing question of my worth.

Near the end of that year my parents were largely too busy screaming at each other to monitor me constantly and I started slacking off. Sixth grade, I did almost no homework and told my mom most mornings that I had been vomiting so I wouldn't have to go to school. I didn't even hate school itself at first (though I wasn't crazy about it); I just entertained this notion that I could catch up on all my old work in private if I could put off the teachers holding me accountable for one more day. But of course I just stayed on the couch pretending to be sick (my parents were almost never both in the house during the day, so it was peaceful, if mind-numbing). Eventually I stopped pretending I would catch up but lied about vomiting anyway to avoid the glares of the teachers who now resented me and the students who always disliked me (it took me until college to understand and be confident in peer interactions). The staying home mostly stopped when my mom took me for an MRI, the doctors failed to find any brain tumors, and she started demanding to see the puke. My parents would often berate me and tell me I was going nowhere fast in life because I wasn't doing my work, but I steadfastly refused to sit when they told me to, and they gave up on forcing me.

There were parent/teacher conferences (the way my parents brought their personal drama into these is more movie material than probably anything else in my life). I was made to see a social worker. In seventh grade I got an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) for "emotional disability" and spent one period every day fighting with my caseworker over my right not to do my assignments. This IEP stayed with me throughout high school. I'm pretty sure I failed seventh grade (hurray for social promotion). Eighth grade was mostly C's and D's. My parents' divorce was finalized.

I got to high school not knowing how to try (even though part of me really wanted to, so as to get into college). I paid excellent attention in most classes because I found them interesting, participated enthusiastically (yeah, I was that girl), and did well on tests that didn't require knowledge from homework. My freshman/sophomore year average was maybe a 2.0. My mom's mental health was declining dramatically. The summer before my junior year, my mom died after drunkenly crashing her car. Junior year I got maybe a 2.9 first semester and a 3.5 second semester. Senior year I got around a 2.6 first semester (these are really all estimations, I don't remember that well) and something awful like 1.5 the second since I had already gotten into college (they didn't rescind my admission, bless them). I had gotten into college in spite of these mostly atrocious grades because of my crazy/dead mommy story, 34 on the ACT, and status as a National Merit Semifinalist.

I cared about my grades in a way that made me beat myself up more than try to succeed. I tried to keep my head above water in panicked nights of kicking myself, but that's trying not to fail. I cared deeply and anxiously about my performance on particular assignments. Writing papers was the big one. I would sit at the computer unable to come up with or structure my ideas until insane hours of the night. Often, my almost invariably A papers were severely penalized for lateness. I'd think to myself, "you're disgusting," but ultimately I preferred an A dropped down to a D for lateness over a straight B. Evidence that one fine theoretical day, once I got over my complexes, I could be a serious intellectual was so much more important to me than my grade point average.

This has followed me into college, where I've been for over a year. I used to not be able to write my papers until insane hours of the night immediately before they were due, until I realized that some professors accept late work sometimes, and now I can rarely motivate myself to get them in on time. I almost never do readings, feeling like I'm failing when they're taking too long, preferring the fleeting feeling that I'm not stupid as I read easy articles on the internet. I always start the term out OK, but as soon as my workload becomes even slightly difficult to manage, I retreat into avoidance. It doesn't matter how much I like the subject. Then the absolute due dates come, and I'm up, sleep-deprived, in my room, consumed by fear and intense self-loathing, trying to cry for some feeling of release, and yet unable to. Every time this happens I grow to hate school a little bit more and avoid it a little more eagerly the next time I think I can get away with it. I got a 3.3 first semester freshman year after dropping from 4 classes to 3, a 2.6 second semester freshman year after doing the same thing, and now sophomore year I'm taking 4 classes and am terribly behind in my work.

I talk to my intellectually-oriented, high-achieving friends wondering what they'd think of me if they knew what I really was. I lie in the arms of the girl I like knowing she'd kick me out of bed if she knew of all the assignments I should be working on. I stare at my computer screen at the introductory paragraph of a week-overdue paper, too paralyzed and disgusted by the fact that I haven't read the book to put together a body (even though I've done it countless times before). I sit in class discussions largely silent, because now that I'm in college I can't participate meaningfully without doing the work. I'M SICK OF THIS. I want better grades, yes, but what I want most is to get the education I'm paying for. I no longer believe that screwing around is what's going to make me happy, but spending hours listening to Dan Savage and reading soft news on NYT reminds me so much of Pokemon Red, and I can't help but think that I'm a 19-year-old trapped in a 10-year-old's emotional baggage. Help?

dealing with unwanted attention

Anonymous — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 19:52:22 -0800

I tried to do someone a favor, it backfired and now I cannot get rid of them. How can I make it stop? unwantedattentionfilter. I am a guy. A couple of years ago I reached out to an ex-coworker (female) who had lost her job. Invited her to live at my place so she could look for another job. I thought what the hell , I could use some help with the rent once she got back on her feet. It didn't happen. I changed my mind about the whole thing soon after. Several months passed. She began persistently emailing and calling as if infatuated. I started ignoring her communications but they just kept coming. I've taken every approach I know of to dissuade such behavior, indirectly through her friends, writing back plainly stating there was never any romantic intent to begin, you name it I did it. But soon realised this had no effect. A total blackout , ignoring campaign on my part followed. The emails and phone calls kept coming. It's as if this person has no pride or shame whatsoever and doesn't follow the rules of normal social contact. All my friends know about this and are bewildered. they give her a wide berth themselves. They cannot figure her out either and are at a loss as to what to do. I understand that people get lonely but this is beyond ridiculous. I never want to hear from this person again. (And that's something I've heard other people who know this person say about that person). Help MeFi , I feel hounded. What can I do to stop this once and for all?