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I'm such a crybaby! Is this okay??

sherber — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 20:22:07 -0800

Inspired by this old question about how guys react to girls crying... I want to know, how often do you cry? Is there an "average norm" for how often most people cry? I feel like I'm a fairly frequent crier. I go through crying spurts, probably related to stress and lack of sleep, where I cry more often than other times. Sometimes I will go weeks without crying, then it seems like suddenly I'll cry (sometimes every day!) for a short period of time before I'm suddenly just not quite as emotional. Most of the time it's stress, fear, or frustration that makes me cry.

I feel like the frequency of my crying is pretty abnormal, but I think some of this is just because in every relationship I've been in, the guy I'm with seems bewildered when I cry. Even the ladies in my family, who I'd consider really emotional people, don't cry very often (although I also don't see them all day every day, so there could be many times when they go off to shed a few tears and I wouldn't even know!) Growing up, I was told I was a crybaby often. I feel like this has become a part of my identity that I'm really insecure about, I feel really stupid every time I cry in front of someone.

Also, to be clear, by "crying" I don't necessarily mean sobbing, I just mean some tears and sniffles- usually enough to make your eyes look a little red or watery for a minute.

What do I say if/when she goes back to the man who might kill her?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:09:44 -0800

My friend's on-again/off-again nonstop crazy drama relationship just turned physically abusive six days ago. Now they are separated, again, and hopefully for good. I have reason to believe that the separation won't last, and I don't know how I could or should deal with that. Please help. My 21 year friend old has been dating a man named Charles for the past two years. we actually met through Charles- I was his math tutor and next door neighbor (not anymore, we live in different cities now), after he started dating her we met and clicked, becoming fast friends. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding and I love her!

Her relationship with Charles degenerated to a less than ideal state shortly after knowing each other. Charles is an alcoholic, emotionally abusive, mildly sociopathic, violent, rich kid ne'er-do-well, with a napolean complex. She has had problems of her own, but she means well and has a heart of gold. She would never hurt a soul, but she is not very talented at standing up for herself by any stretch of the imagination.

Their relationship has always been the breakup (with screaming fights) and makeup (with wine and roses) twice a month kind. I never minded hearing the seemingly cyclical tales of what was new with her and Charles every time we saw eachother. I am now 26 and happily married to my adorable devoted husband in the healthiest relationship I could ever conceive of, but when I was her age (21) I was involved in a similar situation a drama filled on/off relationship.

I understand very much the addictive qualities of that type of cyclic relationship. It's being in a world of your own with one other person, routinely feeling suicidal and happy passion beyond words in the course of a single day.

Recently, her and Charles took a turn for the very very worst. A drunken altercation led to him punching her in the back, trapping her in his apartment to pin her on the bed and scream at her, pulling her hair to not let her escape, and chasing her into the street in his boxers when she escaped and ran to her car and drove home.

I am grateful she is alive. She says she is done with him and her mother is getting her into therapy. But I am very concerned that this is not the end of her and him. Subtle signs when we talked about the incident lead me to believe that she is keeping the door in her mind open. These are:

1. She will not file a police report against him, despite the pleas of myself and her mother, which may be reasonable considering he comes from a very wealthy family that would probably try to file all sorts of defamation/libel lawsuits against her and make her life hell.

2. She said she was done with him forever, and in the same conversation said that she told him she would speak to him in several months after he received treatment.

Charles has already started in with the denials/apologies/baby I would never hurt yous.

Anyway, my question: what do I do if she goes back to him? what do I say, how do I react? I don't want to and won't cut her out of my life, but I'm not sure how to handle it if she tells me she is in contact with Charles again in any capacity. I've told her if she sees him again after this, I consider it likely she will end up raped and/or in a body bag. So what do I do if she does see him again, which I'm afraid to admit is a very strong possibility?

Also, I've read the gift of fear, but any other books that might help me I'd be happy to know about.

Staunching a potential anxiety attack?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 16:01:45 -0800

How do I prevent an anxiety attack in a specific situation that is likely to trigger one? I am interviewing for professional school in January. I have not had problems with basic job interviews before, and I don't fear presentation or public speaking in general. I have done those things in the past completely without panic or anxiety, even with enjoyment (I did competitive speech in high school).
However, I get anxious just thinking about being questioned about my knowledge, general intelligence, and potential for success by people who hold advanced degrees and know more than I do. I can manage the interviews, but only if I am able to focus on the conversation above those fears. I'm very concerned someone will ask me a pointed question and I'll just start crying or go silent, even if objectively I know I could give a reasonable answer- this has happened once or twice to me before, and once the fear of being judged takes hold, it's hard to stop the physical reaction of panic.

Do I need a full course of CBT in preparation for interviews? Will a one-time use of benzodiazepines be appropriate, or will it make me so loopy that I'll perform poorly anyway? I don't think the usual hacks like deep breathing, stopping for a sip of water, etc. will be enough if I start feeling anxious. I have to go in knowing I am well-armed against that happening. What's the best way to do that?

What can I do to cope with rape?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 16:01:35 -0800

I was raped in a foreign country. Going home is not an option. What can I do to cope? I don't even know where to start. This is going to be disjointed, but I don't care. If anything is too graphic, then mods, please edit it.

A day and a half ago, I was raped. He was an acquaintance (friend's uncle), definitely not a friend. It was at the friend's house, friends were sleeping, and so was I, in the living room. Until the uncle came back in and put a knife to my throat so I wouldn't scream for help. Thankfully he never ended up seriously hurting me with the knife.

I'm a very analytical person, so unfortunately I'm running this whole thing through that filter. I'm trying to make sense of a senseless situation.

I'm a single expat in a Muslim country (living with a host family, I'm in my mid-20s), so I have limited resources. I was able to get the morning after pill, and took 2 Norlevo within 13 hours of the incident, and I plan on getting tested for STDs in a few weeks (is that how long I have to wait?). However, counseling services, support groups, etc. (especially in English) are hard to find. I only have one real English speaking friend here.

I decided not to press charges. My host family and I spoke to a lawyer, and I was very discouraged. They said that because a) he wasn't a complete stranger and b) he never cut/stabbed/scratched me, I have no evidence. They said that here, in this country, it will be a months-long process (which will destroy the lives of both myself, and the host family), and it's almost certain that at the end, he will walk, without charges. The police won't believe me, they said. Also, here in this country, it is CERTAIN to hit the TV and tabloids ("local man raped foreign girl... or did he?") and I would NOT be able to deal with that.

Since I decided not to go to the police, a few people here have "taken things into their own hands"... specifically spending a little over 2 hours "teaching the bastard a lesson". I did not ask for this (and frankly, feel both horrible and glad about it). However, I am probably the only person who could speak up and save his life. I'm told this is how things work in this country, but part of my heart is crying out for mercy for him. I don't feel that it would be justice. But maybe I don't know how I feel.

I'm not sure what my question is, honestly, aside from "what next?" To any rape survivors out there, what online resources did you find most useful? What music did you find the most healing? What words did you find most effective to tell all those damn HAPPY people to go away, when all you really wanted to say was "F*** OFF!". How did you take care of yourself? I'm definitely triggered by a bunch of things, including trying to use a knife in the kitchen.. but i don't know whether that's because i really AM triggered by these things, or i subconsciously feel like I'm somehow "supposed to" be...

How did you figure out what to feel... I don't even know what I'm SUPPOSED to feel right now. Emotionally, I think I'm fine, and then 20 minutes later I break down in hysterics. In general, I think I'm a very strong person: I survived 15 years of abuse from my father, a near-kidnapping in Africa, and though I have pretty bad schizo affective disorder, I'm very high functioning. I know how to deal with crap in my life, and I know I'll eventually get through this ok. I will be moving to a different Muslim country in a few months, but going "home" to North America is not an option. I don't have the money, and I don't want to be anywhere near my father.

So yeah, I guess I just want to know "What next?" I'm a protestant christian, so any Christ-centered resources would also help. Thank you.

Throwaway email: joisurvivor@gmail.com

I am at the end of my rope. Is there any hope for this guy?

bookgirl18 — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 14:21:09 -0800

I am at my wit's end with this relationship. What's left? Hi y'all,

After quite a while of lurking, I've given in and decided to join. (This is a wonderful community that I'm glad to be a part of!)

I hate to start off with a long RelationshipFilter question, but I think an objective, outside perspective on this situation might be helpful.
I have been dating BF for ten months now. BF is an uber-science nerd, an MD/PhD with little to no relationship experience, whereas I am a bit of a serial monogamist and keep finding myself in long-term relationships despite myself.

We are extremely different, which is not in itself a dealbreaker. He is as practical, rational, and emotionally clueless as I am dreamy and poetic. He likes to stay in, I'm more social. We had been friends for a while before dating, so we enjoy each other's company and appreciate each other's senses of humor. Plus, if I may say so, he is the first person not myself or a little red bullet to bring me to orgasm. So, um, that is nice. ;)

However, his overall emotional insensitivity is reaching baffling, upsetting heights, so much so that I am contemplating giving up. I've tried communicating my issues openly and clearly, without yelling, crying, or being irrational (I hope), but as of this post, nothing has changed enough.

He can be abrasive and very opinionated. I work in publishing and am thinking of humanities grad programs (another post!), while he wants me to succeed but can't understand why anyone would go into a non-science or economics field. He tries but doesn't seem to really care about what I do or understand what drives me, which saddens me.

He has claimed that he "doesn't really feel things," which, since he is not a robot, can't literally be true. But, it's pretty extreme.

Case in point: I, on the other hand, had a particularly brutal day on which my apartment was robbed AND an acquaintance of mine passed away, tragically and young. I came to him for comfort and support and he stared at me blankly, asking why I was getting so upset. This did not make me feel better. It was only when I started sobbing that he paid attention.

Another sore spot has been other women, unfortunately. I have been cheated on before in prior relationships, so, despite myself, I probably lean on the insecure side. Quite a few women seem interested in him, and he does not do a good job of acting disinterested. The other night, a friend and I were discussing past heartbreak, and he chimed in with, "Oh, do I count as someone who has cheated on you?" .....Cue awkward and puzzled looks from my friend and me. (Poor friend has never been so uncomfortable in her life.)
When I retorted, "I don't know.....do you?", he said he was making a joke. ?
Later that evening, he spent an entire party chatting up one single girl (to whom he did introduce me as his girlfriend, admittedly), which is not in itself a huge offense. But on the heels of that earlier remark, and of so much prior emotional stupidity, it did not please me.

I have tried explaining that other girls wouldn't concern me if I felt better about *us*. That, when feeling insecure, all I needed was a, "Don't worry about other girls, I'm happy with YOU" or some such thing.
Instead, what he said was, "I am sometimes tempted by other girls, but I don't act on it." EPIC FAIL. I almost walked out then and there.
Even if that is true (and sure, we know it probably is), who would say that at a moment like this? Moreover, isn't there a difference between looking at hot models or passers-by and being "tempted" by people?

I have gotten him to admit that emotions confuse him, that he loves being with me but doesn't know where it's going, that he is not cheating (which I feel I must believe), and that he is not consciously trying to make me jealous or play manipulative games. I even saw him tear up when he realized how badly hurt I feel. But nothing has changed.

MeFites, the heart of it is that I am exhausted and feel small. I consider myself a patient person but have never felt so sad and let down by someone to whom I give so much time and energy and care. I have never had a previous relationship like this. What would you do if you were me at this point? Is there anything left to save?

Thanks for the read. :)

Short-term relationship. How fun! Now what?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:18:38 -0800

I'm part of a short-term couple. We both know it will probably end in about six months from now, due to a long-distance move. I feel that there's a multitude of things I can experiment with here, due to the short-term nature of the (non?)relationship. But what are those things? Also: I know that each relationship is different, but what are the general rules of such relationships, anyway? How am I supposed to be in love, without falling in love? What can I do to make the most of the time we have left? Sure, I'm probably wasting my time in a dead-end relationship. But never mind that.

By experimentation, I don't necessarily mean sexual experimentation. Although I'm open to that, too. The sex life has been great so far, because my inhibitions are gone (no future for us! nothing to be embarrassed about in the future!). "Oh, you came? No, you will not go to sleep. I'm having my turn." Although this, of course, is good for both of us, and for any future relationships?

So far, I've learnt to be more assertive, because I don't think, "Oh, shit. Did I do something wrong? What if we break up?" I know our relationship is likely to end in about six months, and am not worried about long-term impact. At the same time, I don't want to come off as a selfish jerk.

In the future, I'd like both of us to look back at this time and think, Ah, those six months were fantastic. Hivemind, tell me how to behave in this sort of thing!

Should I tell him that I -like- him like him?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 12:45:14 -0800

I am a relationship tease or a welcome ego boost? I was introduced to a gentleman through some mutual friends. He and I hit if off instantly and have had the opportunity to get together (platonically) without our pals tagging along and have had boatloads of fun.

However, for all intents and purposes I am happily unavailable to new relationships. Even if I were single there are a bevy of logistical reasons why things wouldn't work out. Now, the object of my crush hasn't had the best of luck with the opposite sex lately, and I learned that his lack of relationships has caused a small dip in his self confidence. I'm considering letting him know that I think he's a catch even though I have no intention of trying to get together with him.

Would I just be making his situation worse if I told him that I think he's dreamy? If the tables were turned I think it would be nice to know that someone thought that way about me. Am I considering committing a giant psychological no no? Or am I putting way too much thought into something that's a simple as "If I were single, I'd date you"?

Please leave the status/quality of my current relationship come to question in your answers.

Going from friends to more-than-friends to back to friends, successfully.

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:41:30 -0800

Going from friends to more-than-friends to back to friends, successfully. Can it be done? I've known a guy for a total of 8 months, starting off initially as friends, but not very close at all. We are part of the same social circle and participate in a group activity together very regularly. Over time we became closer friends, flirted a hell of a lot, and eventually began a relationship.

Said relationship lasted about 2 months, when his behavior changed dramatically towards me. He made a lot of comments about "being friends" and has obviously been avoiding me. I asked him what was up and got a "I like you a lot, but not in that way" speech, which I expected. I'm okay with this. I'm pretty sure it wasn't going anywhere, but I still felt a little heartbroken and rejected nonetheless, so I've been avoiding him. It's been about 3 weeks now since this happened, and I'm over it and just want to go back to the way things were before.

So we're still part of the same social circle/group activity and are around each other pretty regularly, and he's obviously avoiding me. I'm just trying to be friendly, but it seems he doesn't want to talk to me unless it involves "business" about the group activity. He's done a few jerk things (imo), such as mentioning screwing another chick, in my presence.

I don't know if with the way he is acting that it is possible to go back to just friends or if he even wants to. I can't see anything I did that would make him not want to be friends with me at all. I'm really trying to play it cool as I can't really avoid him entirely. A friend who is aware of the situation thinks he feels bad about the situation, and I remind him of that, so that is why he's avoiding me. If age matters, we're in our mid-late 20's.

So, is it even possible? Is there something I can do to help this along? He is a cool dude, that I like spending time with, and I'm not so good at making close friends, so I don't want to lose one if I can help it. But if it seems like it's a no go, then damnit.

Can I forgive myself for leaving my dying mother's side?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:40:57 -0800

My mother is dying. How can I forgive myself for the guilt of leaving her bedside? She was moved to hospice a week ago and at the time, was given "2-10 days" from two different doctors. I stayed with her for a week and then flew back home. Part of the reason I flew back is because I have a toddler and part of the reason is that it was extremely distressing for me. She has pneumonia, in addition to complications from several small strokes and the underlying issue is non-small cell lung cancer that metastasized to her bones. Her dying process is anything but "peaceful" - the noises, smells and deterioration of her body was making me physically ill. I had some "quiet time" with her to say my goodbyes and try to let her know it was time for her to be at peace (like everyone told me she might need to hear), but as time wore on, I couldn't stomach it anymore. I feel like I would be altered forever if I continued to witness this. However, I also feel extremely guilty for "abandoning" her during her last days. Well-meaning family and friends have told me it's "ok" and that it's a personal choice, etc. I switch between being comfortable with my decision to thinking she is "hanging on" because I'm not physically present with her.

More background: my mom was diagnosed last Christmas and immediately made legal documents putting me in charge. She went through treatment up to a few days before she fell and was admitted to a hospital. After a month, she was moved to hospice once we finally realized she was dying. This last step has been a blow to us because she was so "normal" up until her fall, so although we knew we would eventually be in this place, we didn't expect it NOW (who does, right?). I am the youngest of 3 kids, but she is mostly estranged from the other 2, plus my mom and I have always had a very close relationship, although we live 2000 miles away from each other. I have made 6-8 trips to see her this year and during her hospital stay, was there for more than half that time.

The problem I have is that I hear so many people say that there is "no way" they would leave their mother's side on her deathbed and I thought I would be the same way, but I just lost it and instead of extending my flight, came home instead. I feel like I am justifying coming back, even though nobody is judging me! I have contemplated flying back to her, just so I can be there ... but in reality, I'm torn. I want to be there, but I don't want to see/hear her death.

Please ... help me figure out a way to comes to terms with my guilt.

So now I'm a hottie?

teg4rvn — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 08:51:43 -0800

Why does it seem like men are more desirable when attached (married or taken), particularly when you are with that person? (expl. inside) If there's one thing that AMF has taught/reinforced to me is how differently women and men differ in their perceptions. I've always chatted with guy friends about this phenomenon and always wondered how a large cross-section of women think, about this:

When I was single and with a girlfriend, other women seemed drawn to me. I could tell they were interested in me, and not in just a hey, he's a nice guy sort of way. (Of course, I may have been reading into this, but for arguments sake, let's say that people can sometimes accurately surmise that the opposite sex is into them). But, even when taken, when I was out alone or with other guys, girls were, well, not so smitten. Same thing as a married man. (Huge caveat, I'm not out flirting with women as a married man...heck, come to think of it, I didn't do that either when attached and unmarried)

Other men have reported the same to me, mostly recollecting from their single days, when they too had the ultimate paradox:

"Why is it that I attract more women when I have one, but when I'm completely single, it's like I'm invisible?"

Ladies (and, I guess, other men):

1) Does one exude a different vibe when attached?
2) Is it simply a case of, "Well she's with him...that's worth something"
3) Is there something of a more core evolutionary competitive drive being elicited?
4) other?

FWIW, as a man, there is nothing about seeing a woman with a man that makes her more or less attractive. Ditto, for the solo woman.

finding more rooted community in DC

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 08:21:08 -0800

I've been in DC for a few years. In many ways, this can be a really transient city. Since I'm here for the long-haul for work, I'm interested in meeting people who don't see DC as a pit stop, and aren't going to move again in a few years. I'm in my late 20s and live inside the Beltway (not in a far out suburb or anything). I don't have trouble meeting people casually or through groups, but so many people I meet are only here (or plan to be here) for a short time before they uproot. While I've made great friends who I keep in touch with post-departure, I'd like to make more grounded, long-term connections.

Suggestions from DC mefites? What things have you done here that have led to more consistent community? (church brings itself to mind, among other things).

This question is anonymous simply cause I am a little embarassed to ask it!

Can we all calm down now?

A Terrible Llama — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 07:45:37 -0800

Where can I find programs that teach employees how to de-escalate a rising conflict? There's a ton of this stuff on the web but I haven't found anything that's exactly what I want.

I'm trying to package something for employees that are geographically spread out, so seminars where everyone travels aren't practical, and having someone come physically to each place is probably out of the question financially.

What I'd like, ideally, is a one to two hour webinar type thing that would talk to people about how to deal with charged situations without contributing to them, how to listen, etc.

No set budget, I'd like to keep it under 10K, less is better.

I was hoping to find something affiliated with a school, hospital, or mental health center something with a little research behind it.

So much for negative reinforcement...

frankly mister — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 03:13:29 -0800

Why do creepy/obnoxious guys (talked about at great length in a couple fantastic recent threads) keep hitting on girls if they never have any success? This is inspired by this recent, amazing thread, and its MetaTalk spinoff.

(First: though I've spent a few hours reading both those threads, I haven't nearly read everything, so forgive me if this is answered in there at some point.)

I don't understand: what drives the creepy/obnoxious guys to continually hit on girls in the creepy/obnoxious manner? If they and their technique are so universally loathed by girls, as seems to be to the case, then it should follow that these guys NEVER have success. Sure, sometimes a girl is a little friendly in return, just to be nice. But presumably it never goes anywhere, so these guys never have any success with the routine. Why, then, do they keep doing it?

How do I get out of this emotional hole and get things done?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:33:48 -0800

Seeking short-term coping mechanisms for being productive in school during a devastating breakup, and for comedy TV I can watch to help me through it. Long story inside. My partner of, let's say 4-8 years and I broke up about 5 weeks ago. We got together when we were both freshmen at our university and had an instant strong bond. It was a mutual breakup due to some relationship dysfunction that was related to a sexual health problem I have and anxiety/depression we each have. We have lived together for several years and while we're in the process of finding some way to move out, we are still roommates for now.
The first few days we were broken up, we both had a terrible time and cried a lot. We have remained friends with little drama, other than both having some crying spells, up until this weekend.
Due to some events this weekend, it really started to sink in that I may really be losing him for good and I began to panic. Things came to a head and in the middle of the night I told him how I felt and it was very emotional for both of us. We ended up having sex. I didn't realize, but at the time, he was drunk (I was exhausted from crying and not sleeping). While we were having sex (which was his move), we were talking about things we wanted to do sexually in the future. The next morning, though, we kissed again (again his move) and said sexual things toward me. Not an hour later, we talked about what we wanted to do relationship-wise. Basically he said he doesn't think it's a good idea for us to get back together right now.
I'm totally crushed. I told him he betrayed me, fucked with my head, and that I just wanted to know why he would so something like that to me after normally treating me well. He says he was stupid to do those things last night and this morning, and he did them because he was confused about how he felt and thought maybe we could get back together. I feel so betrayed, used, and just hopeless. We're part of each others families. Before the breakup, we often talked of concrete life plans like marriage and kids. When we technically "broke up," it didn't feel so real or permanent and we've continued to live life as normal, hanging out just with no romantic contact.
Making matters worse, I'm a first-year law student in the throes of finals studying time. This weekend I have done nothing for school. I don't even think I can get through classes without bursting into tears randomly. Missing much class is not really an option, but I know I can't go tomorrow. I can't get out of bed right now. I don't know how I can get through the semester. There are counseling services that I plan to utilize, but until I can get in, I am in a wandering panic.
I have no friends to talk to about this. All of my friends are either friends with him, too, or friends who live out of state and I haven't been in close contact with recently enough to call up with my problems. I'm don't really talk to my parents or siblings about personal stuff like this.
I don't like dating or the whole game of trying to meet people. He and I became friends and were very close before any romance occurred. I don't feel like that kind of connection will be easy to find again any time soon.
I've read tons of breakup related AskMes, and some of the things in there have been helpful, especially the thing about "existential panic"

1. Are there any general suggestions for what I can do to get through the day(s) until I can get some counseling?
2. One thing that does help calm me is watching DVDs of The Office. I've seen them all so many times in the past month that it's almost not working anymore. Any other shows like this, such as ones about people with run of the mill lives with comedy and some realistic life sadness would probably help, too.
3. What can I do to try to be productive and not keep breaking down while studying? I can't leave the house, which usually helps, because I will probably start crying randomly, and at home, all I can do is zone out playing solitaire and watching The Office to keep from bawling constantly.

Sorry for such a long story, but I really felt I needed to give all the details for this to make sense, and my mind isn't so clear for editing.
If you have any advice you don't want to put here, you can email heartbrokenmefite@gmail.com

Is it cheating?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 12:19:18 -0800

I'm not sure if I've been cheated on, and I don't know how to feel. What should I do? My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We've been talking quite a lot about the future. He'll be moving in with me when he finishes up school. (I've already graduated.) I was basically under the assumption we were going to get married and live happily ever after.

Tonight he calls me and tells me about a party he went to last night. My 2 best friends from college, a couple with whom the boy and I went on many a double date, hosted a party at their apartment. Long story short, the boyfriend got completely smashed, blacked out, and this morning woke up naked next to the couple, who were also naked. He said the other guy said that nothing happened. I haven't been able to get a hold of my two friends yet to ask what happened.

But I can't help but feel a little betrayed. (Or maybe jealous? I'm so confused.) At first I was just stunned and emotionless, but as the evening has progressed, I've been feeling more and more upset. I can't really articulate my emotions beyond that.

I guess I just don't know if it constitutes cheating or not, and if it does...well what am I supposed to do?

Throwaway mail: leftoutofathreesome@gmail.com

Brunch for 2 in Houston?

abdulf — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 20:42:18 -0800

Romantic brunch ideas in Houston? On a Sunday? I am thinking somewhere that offers a little more privacy than the local IHOP. Bonus if it's located near other interesting stuff (like shops, parks, etc). I realize things may be closed on Sunday morning.

Ethics of politcal advocacy by one's doctor.

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 15:52:47 -0800

Question about the ethics of mixing physician care and politcal advocacy. This evening my wife received an email from her psychiatrist urging her to contact our Cong. Rep. to support the recently offered Pitts-Stupak amendment to the current health care reform bill under debate in the U.S. House of Rep. My wife is quite upset and views this as a violation of trust and their professional relationahip by the doctor.

Specific policy differences aside, is it considered acceptable for physicians to advocate politically amongst their patients, particularly if the matter under consideration is not relevant to that care?

Should a parent mention their bisexual past to their gay teen?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 10:30:48 -0800

My 14-yo son has recently come out to me as gay. Should I share anything about the "experimental" phase of my youth? Although I've had inklings for a while, my 14-yo son recently decided to come out to me as gay. He's apparently been questioning his sexuality as early as 5th grade, and by 7th-8th grade was pretty convinced and has shared this information with a few close friends.

We live in an extremely liberal community, and he doesn't seem to be "struggling" or having concerns about the sexuality aspect itself--his friends have been supportive and accepting. The recent coming-out was, I believe, precipitated by some unpleasantness involving unrequited feelings for a friend of his.

I am wondering if it is now or ever would be appropriate to bring up my own sexuality history, in which my first "serious" relationship in late high school/early college was with a woman (and there was some minor sexual experimentation with a previous female best friend when we were 13-14). I ultimately realized I wasn't strongly sexually attracted to "women" per se--only my best friends--and have not had any lesbian relationships in the intervening 22 years.

On the one hand, I suppose parental sexuality of any sort is something that falls into the category of "the less said, the better" for most kids. On the other hand, it wouldn't seem outrageous or inappropriate to mention the mere existence of previous heterosexual relationships during that phase of my life, would it?

I guess part of my motivation might be to offer a gesture reciprocating the enormous amount of trust and confidence that my son has offered me by coming out in the first place. On yet another hand, I also understand that parent-child relationships are not always meant to be reciprocal in certain regards.

Other details: my husband is aware of this history; I've not told anyone else in my family. I am still casual friends with the woman in question, who maintained a bisexual lifestyle for quite a bit longer, although she trended more hetero over the years and has been in a straight (now married) relationship with the same man for the past 10 years or so. My son knows her and they converse on topics of mutual interest from time to time. Sort of a long-distance "cool pseudo-aunt" relationship. It is, of course, theoretically possible to mention that I once was in a lesbian relationship without naming names.

If you want to respond privately, you can e-mail the throwaway notreallyme6607@gmail.com

On Being Funny

Garden — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 06:24:18 -0800

This is a strange question because I'm not sure whether this is something that can be developed or whether it is an innate quality that a person is born with. Here goes, is it possible to become funny? I notice that almost everyone I interact with has a great sense of humor and has the ability to make other people laugh. Is this something that can be cultivated withing someone? I would like to learn to develop the ability to make others laugh and to learn how to have a better sense of humor. Does anyone have any ideas on this? If this is a skill that can be developed, how would one go about developing this? I have a strong feeling that this involves looking at life in a different way, and I'm open to doing this. Please list some ideas if you have any strategies that have worked for you or any other suggestions/thoughts.

Help me prepare for nomination interviews!

pyrom — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 05:40:24 -0800

I'm applying for the Air Force Academy. I have interviews with my senators today, who will hopefully extend me a nomination. What can I do to make it the best experience possible? What questions should I be prepared for? What should I wear? General interviewing skills I should know? Any other tips about the process that I should know?

Thanks!

My little sister's growing up :'(

SebastianKnight — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 05:13:28 -0800

My younger sister is moving in with her future-fiancé. How to mark this passage, and what house-warming gift to buy them? My wonderful sister (early 20s) is about to move in with her boyfriend (who will very likely become my brother-in-law within 18 months). They're moving into his new house (not renting), and they're seriously planning their futures together. This is the big one, and I'm so happy for both of them. They're a great match and they're very together, level-headed people. I'm very hopeful for them.

She's moving out of my mum's house and it feels like this move closes a door on a part of our sibling relationship. My sister and I are very very close, and her moving out of mum's house likely means that we'll probably never live under the same roof again. We'll stay close, but this feels like a significant passage from one chapter to the next. In some ways, it marks the end of our shared extended-childhood. We've been through movings in and out and back and forth and together and apart before, but never with this air of finality.

So I have one pragmatic question and one fuzzy one.

1) Do you have any suggestions for a housewarming gift for them? (I've read previous Asks on this topic but couldn't find one with this sort of background.) I'm struggling.

2) If you've been through anything like this, how did you mark the occasion? How did you handle it? Have you any advice?

Thanks.

What to give a hostess for a thank you gift?

Night_owl — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 21:24:00 -0800

I'm joining my long-term boyfriend at his godmother's house for a week for Thanksgiving this year. I want to bring her a gift to thank her for having me in her home. What are some good ideas? I like to cook, so things in that vein sound good. However, ideally I could give her something that would last til after we leave, since we'll be eating a lot because of Thanksgiving. Also, canning is not an option for me.

If P and Q, then...what?

Maisie — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:39:46 -0800

How do I get better at recognizing logical fallacies... ...particularly in conversation? In the midst of conversation I usually find myself responding to the premises or conclusions of an argument by countering with different premises or conclusions rather than noticing that the argument itself is wrong (or weak) to begin with. When I reflect on the conversation later, I can usually see how an argument was flawed, but while it's happening, forget it. This really annoys me.

Has anyone else overcome this problem? If so, how? Is there anything I can read or any exercises I can do to build up this mental muscle?

How do I make more friends?

pintapicasso — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:24:34 -0800

I literally have two friends. How can I make more? I want more friends.
I graduated from college in my city in 2008. I have a roommate who has been a good friend since we were 7, a boyfriend whom I have been with for almost two years, and another good (guy) friend who lives in my city and likes to go out. My best friend moved across the country after college, another friend is on a bike trip across the country, and the rest I have fallen out of touch with as I left school. I am quite happy with the amount of time I spend with my boyfriend (which is, like, a quarter of my free time) but I also like to be by myself a lot. I don't have many acquantences... people who I might recieve a text from about a party, for example.
Caveat: I live in a small city/big town where I already know a lot of people. My boyfriend is a "locally-famous" musician and through his gigs I have met a ton of people. Most of these people are uber hipsters - and I know that part of my problem is categorizing people, but I am easily intimidated and kind of reserved. Thus, I think that I appear "in the loop" but I really spend most of my time alone.
In my free time I volunteer with a bunch of refugee families. It's awesome, and they are definitely my friends, but it's not the same. I'm also unemployed right now, and not meeting many people.

How do I get to know people I already superficially know? Why can't I take it to the next level? How do I establish common ground? I'm not going to bother posting anonymously.

Other sources for physical intimacy?

~Sushma~ — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:03:39 -0800

Lonely, hungry for intimacy, ravenous to be touched, coddled or stroked. I'm old, sick and unattractive, I used to be smoking hot but men don't look at me any more, nor do they even acknowledge my presence. The area I live in is sparse for dating, and I've even tried one night stands. I have given up. What are some other ways to get the physical needs I have for the human social intimate relationship I do not have? I've done the CL casual encounters, internet dating etc.... Going for a massage now to see if it helps, and yes I have a loving and much loved pet....but I need more. Any resources? I'm sure there are others like me out there.