Ask MetaFilter questions in the human relations category

Help me help her sleep!

clcapps — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 07:21:38 -0800

How can I keep my wife from fidgeting while we're going to sleep? Every night, when we're trying to go to sleep, she'll fidget uncontrollably. Tapping my arm with her fingers, rubbing her feet together, tapping her feet, etc. This drives me crazy, and I can't remember the last time I had a completely restful night - I'll get frustrated and we'll end up fighting.

What's worse is that now I'm nervously anticipating it every night, which certainly isn't helping me relax, and is probably making me notice it more than ever. I like cuddling with her as we're going to sleep, but I can't take this anymore!

Any suggestions for things that might help her fidget less, or help me ignore it?

Auckland? More like Awkward.

troika — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 06:14:56 -0800

How do I meet people and befriend them in a foreign country (New Zealand, to be specific)? I moved to Auckland, NZ just under a month ago and I'm having a hard time making friends. I just don't know how to meet people. It was so easy to do while in college and in my old location (Washington, DC) - there was at least a solid website listing concerts and activities that I was interested in (BYT). I haven't been able to find anything like that for Auckland. Similarly, I was involved in a few league sports and group activities, but haven't found any to join here. I've tried going to bars (etc) and I'm generally a very outgoing person. I'm a 23 yr old female, if that helps.

Alternately, any experiences you have with moving to a place where you didn't know a soul and how you dealt with that would be great.

Thank you.

how can I cheer up my depressed mom?

osloheart — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 18:36:39 -0800

How can I help my mother deal with anxiety and depression after going through cancer? About six months ago, my mom finished treatment for breast cancer. She had to have a mastectomy and it was a long scary process, but now she is a survivor. For the first couple of months after chemo she was eating all organic foods and taking extremely good care of her health, and she seemed to have a new outlook on life. I was so happy to see her never getting upset about minor things anymore and to see her exercising, socialising, etc. Everyone was so happy, my dad was promising that they would take the vacations they kept putting off. It was like a whole new beginning.

And then it sort of went downhill. Mom has had steadily increasing pain throughout her body, which finally after three months of tests they may have diagnosed as rheumatoid arthritis. It has gotten worse and worse and the stupid doctors just keep throwing more pills at her. Most of them make her drowsy, dizzy or sick, so she stops them, and we are all now very worried about the amount of prescription pain med she takes, but without those she can barely walk because of the pain. Lately she has been having severe hot flashes too. So Ive walked in on her crying in her room a couple of times. She sleeps most of the afternoons and she eats fast food and ice cream. She is also very sensitive to little things, she is often worried and anxious and has crazy mood swings. We were in the store the other day and she burst out with this desperate look on her face "We dont have enough money for this!" and I was surprised and embarrased, she never does things like that. She is often on the verge of tears over things, and I just dont know how to react.

I think she feels sort of defeated. She watched her mother's cancer come back three times and finally took her life, and I think she is scared. And I think she feels like it doesnt matter now if she eats healthy or exercises so she may as well get comfort from food or whatever... Im not really sure what shes thinking. All I know is that she is really bummed and to top it off her and dad are fighting about money and not planning their holidays anymore.

Im moving away for college in a few weeks (a few hours away). I am so worried about leaving her here, she is so depressed all the time.

What can I do??? Is there a great book I can buy her for her birthday next week that would inspire her? (She isnt much of a reader, though, and she might get offended and depressed again if I give her a self-help book for her birthday). What else can I do that would help?

Any ideas are appreciated. Im really overwhelmed and sad. I want to help her, but I dont know how.

Thanks a bunch :)

Learning to love solitude

Anonymous — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 17:34:24 -0800

How do I learn to enjoy being alone after a recent separation? My husband - of nearly ten years - and I recently separated (his idea, though it was needed). He moved in with his parents two months ago, and I'm living alone in our big, empty house while we try to sort things out. We have no children, and still speak/see each other on a regular basis.

I've never lived alone. I jumped from my parents' home to roommates to living with my husband almost immediately after we first started dating. I've been in constant relationships since I was 16 (now in my early 30s).

I'm dealing with some ugly grief and despair from the separation, but I'd like to take this time to learn how to comfortably be alone. I'm not a needy person by any means - I enjoy time alone, and while I have a lot of friends, I tend to go long stretches where I spend weekends curled up with a book. However, I've always done these things in the context of another person being around. Introvertism is a different animal when you're truly by yourself!

I keep myself busy during the day (I love my job). I see friends. I have animals and a therapist. I exercise and eat well. But I find myself panicking when I don't have plans and the long, long night stretches out before me. I watch TV; I read; I clean; I plan projects; I meditate, but I can't shake the despair of - oh, God, I'm going to be agonizingly alone forever. I start to make bad decisions, like calling my husband for comfort. (Which he doesn't take well.) I cry, a lot. A lot.

Does this go away? The existential despair? What do you do on those planless nights? How do I convince my mate-for-life brain that being by myself doesn't have to be terrifying? Though there's a possibility my husband and I will get back together, I need to proceed as if that isn't the case. (Cutting off contact will be the first big step, but I'm not ready for that yet. Working on it.) How do I shift into a single mindset? (I'm not even close to wanting to date or even have a fling.)

If it matters, I do have a long, long history of anxiety/depression (hospitals, therapists galore, you name it). However, I finally got a handle on that in the last few years and have been better than ever this year. But stress will trot out the old, panicky thought patterns.

(Also of note: while I love my job, it doesn't pay much and requires me be in the area until the end of the year, so I don't have funds/means to travel at the moment.)

Thanks for any advice you have. If you have questions, you can e-mail me at mefilearning2008@gmail.com

Class consciousness

b33j — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 16:35:59 -0800

What behaviours identify someone as belonging to the lower class, and resources (books/websites) for improving them? Inspired by this question, I suspect that my lower-class childhood has left a mark. As I near the end of my degree, and a complete career change, it seems an ideal time for an image makeover. I'm wondering which traits and behaviours might cause some people (specifically employers rather than potential partners) to categorise someone as lower class? What are some positive or neutral behaviours of the upper class that could be adopted to make a person's class unidentifiable?

Drinking in the Financial Drama

decathecting — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 13:59:43 -0800

My roommate and I split evenly the cost of groceries and household items. However, we have dramatically different alcohol consumption habits. What's the fairest way to split the cost of alcohol in our household? And is there a way for me to raise the issue with her without creating drama? My roommate and I have been friends for a decade and have lived together for five years with almost no conflict. We are very compatible in almost every way and have similar habits, and we split most household expenses, including rent, utilities, food and other necessities (e.g., toilet paper, cleaning supplies) evenly.

The only major difference in our consumption habits is in our drinking. While neither of us drinks a lot, we relate to alcohol in the apartment differently. Neither of us are heavy drinkers, but if there's alcohol in the house, she goes through it a lot more quickly than I do.

For example, about a month ago, we bought two cases of wine (24 bottles, about $200 worth, the cost of which we split evenly). I have consumed exactly half a bottle. She has consumed 11.5 bottles (some by herself at home, and some with friends or by bringing it to parties as hostess gifts).

I like keeping alcohol in the house so that I can have a drink on the fairly rare occasion when i want one. However, if I bring it into the house, it's gone by the time I want to drink it, and I end up heavily subsidizing her habits. I'd prefer not to have a "secret stash" or otherwise hide my alcohol because of hangups about drinking alone (child of an alcoholic). Plus, then we can't have a drink together when we're hanging out, because I have to hide from her that I have alcohol after she's run out.

Is there a way to say "I only want to pay 1/10 of the alcohol bill" without souring the fantastic arrangement we have in every other area of our lives? I really don't want to wreck a good thing, and it might be worth a few hundred dollars a year to avoid tension in the friendship. I definitely don't want to get into a situation where we're niggling over who owes whom $5, because we've done so well at avoiding that sort of stress for the last five years. But this is hundreds of dollars, so it feels different.

Is there any way to make this situation more equal? Should I suck it up? Be honest? Other thoughts?

How to start a charity with limited resources?

jwfree — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 13:06:32 -0800

Interested in starting a charity, what now? After going through a few things in my life, whether it be relationships, attending a university, friends, family, or life in general, I have always wanted to help people.

I'm a young guy who has limited resources and funds thanks to college loans, but there has to be some way for me to help out.

Myself, I am a 23 year old black male who has a degree and a great corporate job. Unfortunately, I have seen so many other just like me who have not had the same success for whatever reason. Well I know of reasons...with so much going on in black america (more in jail than college, crime, media portrayal, racism, etc.) it is hard for us to become successful. I just want to give back and help out as much as I can but I just don't know where to get started.

For those who have or for those who have researched it, what does starting a charity consist of. I keep hearing a lot of paperwork is involved and that's fine. What about funds? References? Anything?

Any help is appreciated! This was helpful but I would like a more personal insight.

How do you/did you plan, compromise, or agree on standards for your sex life?

Anonymous — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 18:32:05 -0800

How do you/did you plan, compromise, or agree on standards for your sex life? I'm 23, female, and about to get married to someone with a much higher sex drive than mine (I attribute this to his having very few sexual relationships prior to me, while I have been much more active). At first, we had the usual new-relationship-constant-sex thing that most people do, which lasted a few months, and now two and a half years later he's still expecting to have sex daily (or multiple times daily). It's not that I'm less attracted to him, but I have certainly gotten busier and less sexual - for me, 2-3 times a week would be sufficient, if not too often.

We have attempted to address this several times and come to a stalemate where compromises are concerned. He just doesn't get why I was able to have sex so often before, but can't now. Also, he seems to think that when I don't feel like having intercourse, it isn't too much to ask for me to help him manually. I disagree - while I'm not opposed to this sometimes, there are days where I just don't have the capacity for sex in any form.

So what I'm asking is, how does one work out something like this? I assume most married couples have discussed this and come to some sort of conclusion, but how, and what is it? Is it wise or normal to say "We'll do it x times a week, and if one of us does not want to, then y or z."? Is there another solution we're not seeing? What kinds of compromises or agreements do you have or know about?

I know that there are other threads like this one and this one which include suggestions on a happy married life - I need suggestions of this kind in regard to a happy married sex life.

Living the clean life. Both clean from religion and clean from vice!

sixcolors — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 16:14:57 -0800

I would like others to explain to me why some non-Christian people abstain from certain “sinful” activities…and how to interact with them. For those who do not know my background, I grew up really sheltered and associated mostly with religious people. A little bit over a year ago, I started questioning my religion (Christianity), and started hanging around people who have different belief systems than mine. Some are atheist, agnostic, Buddhist, wiccan, and some are non-practicing Christians or Jews. It’s not just the people I hang around who have diverse beliefs, many of my classmates in grad school are non-Christians, and if they are they are mostly non-practicing.

I grew up around many people who abstained from sex, alcohol, drugs, using profane language, gambling, and violence. The first 15 years of my life, I went to a Pentecostal church, we were told flat out we would burn in hell if we engaged in the above. From age 16 on, I attended a non-denominational church, while it was more liberal than the first church, the message we received was “if you engage in sinful behavior, it will ruin your relationship with Jesus Christ, and you will become miserable”.

Well, since I became less religious, I’ve been enjoying many “worldly” activities. I no longer avoid alcohol, sexual related activities, cursing, playing poker, and watching violent movies or listening to violent music in fear of being bathed in fire and brimstone when I die. The biggest shock that came to me within the last year, is that some non-Christian people do not live the same lifestyle I do, and is more in line with the lifestyles of the people I grew up around.

An example…in one of my grad school classes we had a debate on whether there should be condom dispensers in resident halls on college campuses. There were some who students who said “no”, I was expecting most of them to be strict Christians (or Jewish or Muslims), but most of them weren’t religious of all. I’ve learned from other classroom discussion that some of those students were plain anti-sex.

Another example…I have a few friends who are pretty anti-alcohol and especially anti-drug…yet, again, non-Christian. They won’t drink even a sip, they stay far away from bars and nightclubs, and leave parties early where there’s a lot of drinking. They won’t date drinkers either. On occasion, they try to discourage US from drinking.

I’m confused about this behavior, if you don’t fear eternal punishment for drinking and fucking or whatever, then what motivates them to avoid activities that many people deem as pleasurable? I’ll be honest, the first thing I think is that they are just prudes, but I don’t want to be insensitive. I’d rather understand people before judging them, because I know that are many different things that drives behavior and some aren't obvious. And, to avoid conflict, because I seem to get into a lot of conflicts about this. I would like know some concrete reasons why some non-religious people avoid things that will bring them pleasure. Maybe if I can identify the real reasons, I will know how to handle them better in the future.

Or forever hold your peace...

fingo — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 15:42:39 -0800

Looking for any anecdotes about what actually happens when someone tries to stop a wedding. Think of the classic romantic comedy scene: the love interest is marrying her fiance. The wedding ceremony is about to be completed, when suddenly, the protagonist rushes in and stops the wedding with undeniable proof that the groom is a major douche. The groom tries to fight him, the protagonist wins, and everyone in the audience claps as the love interest and the protagonist embrace.

Has anyone ever been to a wedding that someone tried to stop? What happened? Has there ever been a real wedding where the the people in attendance took the side of someone else against the groom?

Thanks

Just like dooce.com, but with autism?

pootler — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 23:24:19 -0800

Which irreverent, funny parenting blogs have extra added autism? My 4 year old recently got a diagnosis of (very) high IQ and autism and I'm looking for stories from people in a similar position.

Type 'autism blog' into google and you get plenty of hits. But I'm looking for really good blogs from parents who are dealing with young kids wih autism.

I've been reading Dooce and Schuyler's Monster for 5 years and they have helped keep me sane when dealing with a my 'special' kid. :-) I love their humour and their refusal to pretend that children are perfect little gifts or that being a parent is not anything but a joy. The Poo Bomb was the best medicine for us too, when the kid was a horrible, dificult, terrible baby.

We deal with a lot of the same stuff that Leta and Schuyler's parents deal with, but they don't have autism. I know it would do us all good to read a blog by someone who is in the same place we are. Who should we be reading?

"Exchanging glances, wond'ring in the night...."

TheSecretDecoderRing — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 23:14:18 -0800

What do you do when you and someone you barely know are approaching each other? Always make eye contact and smile or say hi? Make eye contact and then keep walking? Keep walking unless they say something? Mentally scramble for small talk? Stop and tie your shoelaces? You know those situations when you're walking down an interminably long hallway at work, or a path on campus, and you see someone you only kind of know coming in the opposite direction from a mile away? Obviously it depends on how well you (don't) know them, but when the more awkward moments arise, do you invariably acknowledge them in a super-friendly way? Wait for them to say something first? Give a warm half-smile or a cool half-nod and keep on going? It feels like a silly predicament, but I'm just curious if others feel like this is half as awkward as I do, esp the more introverted among us, and among those, the ones for whom smiles don't always come all that easily. Because sometimes it's just... awkward!

I've seen a couple other threads here revolving around the dilemma of acknowledging complete strangers (and those may very well end up below this post), but I've never found that to be a source of anxiety or perplexity, because if you get rebuffed, you'll probably never see them again in your life. Crossing paths with that "Larry" guy from three cubicles over while you're on your way to the men's room? That's a different story.

Is my relationship the titanic about to hit an iceberg?

Anonymous — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 18:41:03 -0800

I love my boyfriend but I fear we aren't compatible for the long term. How to know if it these are things that are important enough to justify breaking up sooner rather than later... I'm going to try to make this thorough as it is anonymous and I can't really reply to questions (though I have made a gmail account if you want to email me and ask questions: is.love.enough@gmail.com)

- I'm 26, he's 27
- we've been dating for 7 months
- we get along well, have a good time together and have shared interests
- we have a pretty good balance of spending time together alone, spending time apart, and spending time together with our friends

Where things get a bit sticky are:
- We have very different ways of approaching things and thinking. I have been brought up to always think of the future and the long term consequences of every decision (hence this question, ha ha), where he only thinks in the short term and rarely things of long term effects. (ie. He needs to rent an apartment, gets a year long lease that is more than his budget can afford, but, well, he had to get an apartment so what was he supposed to do? He can surely find a way to afford it, I just worry too much...) This habit of "act first, consider later" worries (and frankly irritates) me to no end and I am concerned what it would mean for decisions that would affect us both....

- I grew up fairly affluent (professional parents, big house, live-in nanny and a house keeper, etc), he grew at the complete other end of the spectrum (on/below the poverty line). This wouldn't matter in the slightest except when it comes to what we expect our lives to look like in the future... veeeerrrrrry different life expectations. I fully expect/intend/demand to live a comfortable financial life where I would be able to provide fully for my children, go on trips every few years, not have to worry about going out to dinner a couple times a month, not have to worry about bills every month, etc. The life he is currently setting himself up for is not even close to that. He is two years out of school and hasn't made a single payment on his student loan. That, to me, is insanity, especially since he is working at a job that severely underpays him and doesn't allow him to make payments, and yet he intends to keep working there for another year... which brings me to my next worry....

- He is a chronic settler. His habit seems to be to settle for situations that are unsatisfactory. I suspect (and he has basically confirmed it when we talked about it) that it is because growing up they generally had to take what they could get, and their expectations were kept low. This is causing problems now, though. He proposed to an ex-girlfriend even though he (and his friends who were there during that relationship) has said that he was unhappy in that relationship. And right now he is settling for working at a job that he doesn't enjoy, has no benefits (including vacation pay despite it being legally required), and that underpays him significantly. Yet his plan is to 'stick it out' for another year because it is kinda in his field. He thinks maybe he'll go back to school, but is unsure so he is burning years and getting more in debt. It drives me nuts too because he is a smart guy and he has so much more potential than he demonstrates. I get really anxious about debt and am intentionally living really cheaply so that I will have my OWN student loan paid off before I'm 30. His slightly "oh well"-ish attitude towards debt terrifies me. I think we would forever fight about money.

So in summary:
- He is a lovely man, treats me really well, and I love him
- He never thinks of long term consequences or the implications of his decisions, and because of that frequently gets into pickles
- He is setting himself up for a very uncomfortable life financially, and I am not prepared for that
- He is too keen to put up and deal with unsatisfactory situations, especially with an unsatisfactory career where he is capable of SO MUCH MORE because he is a really smart guy

I don't want to imply I am without fault or that I am somehow some perfect angel of a girlfriend. I have flaws and guaranteed I do things that bother him as well. I am just concerned that these differences are things that are going cause a whole lot of problems in the future. I also don't want to be one of those girls who go into relationships expecting their boyfriends to change dramatically. It is unfair to him and it would be really unrealistic and unavoidably disappointing for me.

I do love him, but you hear so many stories of people who were aware of issues early in the relationship, hoped they would work themselves out, and then ultimately break up in a much more messy and painful way than it would have been if they broke up earlier....

So what is the hive mind's option? Am I over thinking? Is love enough to avoid these hurtles? Should we break up now while it is amicable, or should we wait to see if it gets messy in case it doesn't? Anyone been in a similar situation where they know what the problems are but hope that they won't matter?

And please.... no comments like "poor little rich girl" or "you can make enough money for the both of you" etc. I have worked since I was 14 including all through university, everything I own I have paid for myself, because my parents made very sure that my siblings and I are all fully self sufficient, had a strong sense of the value of money, and ensured we are all able support ourselves fully.

How to complain like a polite human.

1f2frfbf — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 10:03:59 -0800

How do I complain to a corporation without coming off as a prude? Full explanation: I bought my brother-in-law a gift certificate to Timbuk2 for Christmas so he could get a new computer bag, when it arrived it contained a tag like this one. I personally would not have had an issue with this, but he is using the bag in a professional environment and was embarrassed enough by the language to cut the tag out of the bag. I'm embarrassed about the situation myself, since I initially gave him the gift and had no idea they would include a tag like this. I would like to express my displeasure to Timbuk2, but how can I do this and actually get results without being treated as a random nutcase?

Keeping private stuff private

Tbola — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 18:28:03 -0800

How do you protect your privacy when writing personal stuff down into journals, diaries, or self-help books? I'm wondering what techniques might be adequate for me to overcome my hesitance in writing down extremely personal stuff. I like to write, and I feel like it helps me immensely - but the thought of someone stumbling across a detailed account of my biggest fears and inadequacies makes me nervous.
(hey look - a new inadequacy!)

Seriously, though... does anyone else go through this? Any advice on how to be able to write stuff down, but have it less 'incriminating' should it accidentally be read by someone else?
(especially in the case of a journal, which you might be apt to bring along with you - and run the risk of misplacing it)

I'm not sure if this is going to make sense to anyone. I'd thought I'd give it a try.

Amusing a two-year old

blahblahblah — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 13:17:58 -0800

I am looking for new things to amuse and delight a two-year old in an urban setting. Most activities are for slightly older kids, so other urban parents, any tips or tricks for fun activities we can do together? Bonus points for Boston-specific suggestions. My toddler is like most kids her age - runs around at high speed, says some sentences, but doesn't really communicate in any deep way; she isn't easily scared, and is fascinated by the usual range of things from dogs to buses.

The playground, Children's Museum, local farm, and pet store have gotten a bit old for me (though not for her), and I am looking for any interesting suggestions of activities to do with her, either in or out of the apartment. She'll get bored during story hours, while arts and crafts projects are probably too ambitious. Any good ideas?

Please help me make some sense of our relationship

fogonlittlecatfeet — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 12:25:01 -0800

Mr. Fog and I broke up last night. I am completely obliterated and need advice. ASTOUNDINGLY Long detailed back story inside. Mr. Fog and I have been together for almost 3 years. I still love him like mad. He still give me goose bumps and butterflies, but apparently I don't do the same for him. Our relationship hasn't been an easy road. He was burned quite badly in his divorce, ex-wife said we can work it out let's get back together... so he did and she burned him a second time. He date a few girls in between her and me but nothing as substantial as what we had altho there was one girl he told me that he probably would have married if she hadn't broken up with him and after the girl dumped him that he dated immediately preceding me I over heard him say one day at work (where we met) before we were together "That girl made me think of getting married again" I was secretly in love with him all throughout that short lived ( a few months) relationship. Not too long ( a few months) after they broke up we started dating.

I did all the asking out at first. I don't think he would have made a move on me if I hadn't made the first move. We moved in after a month of dating and moved to Florida (from Texas) after about 7 months of dating (we both hated that job where we met) I had some issues with feeling like sometimes he was not fully committed to the relationship. He said blatantly many times he did not want to get married and at first I was OK with that. I had a lot of insecurities at the beginning of our relationship and although they have gotten much much better over time damage has been done and he sometimes gives me good reason to be insecure (see below)

We have had some pretty scarey fights lots of yelling and I get kind of radical hitting my head sometimes with my fist or on a wall if I can't get through to him. He can be so stubborn and put words in my mouth and tell me what I am feeling and won't listen and I get so frustrated. He says this freaks him out which I guess it well should. I can be a nag. He can be a slob. But I don't love him any less. If I could just have him back he can leave his soda cans wherever he wants and his razor and shavecream goop on the couter everyday. He has an 8 year old son from his marriage. He is with us for the summer so that has put alot of strain on us. He is a bit of a terror and while I love the kid his manners and behavior leaves a bit to be desired. Our relationship has been bumpy.

He has NEVER been romantic with me except for maybe the first few months after we started dating. But he has been passionate. I truly truly believed we were forever. And my views on marriage changed over the past few months. I have been wanting it more and more. But i still don't want it if he doesn't want it. But I have brought it up and we have argued about it. And I have told him I would wait until he was ready. He says he never wants to go down that path again. I said you aren't going down the same path... you never left the path you are on. I am not the same path. I don't see why if he didn't love me truly then why he couldn't take that chance with me I have never given him and reason to believe I would do what she did.

And then the past week or so he has been very standoffish which can be normal for him but I usually give him some space and he comes out of it. I let him k now I was feeling kind of neglected and he just kind of stared into space but I didn't push the matter. We made amazing love that night but I felt he wasn't into kissing me at first and i have never never never felt that from him before. then last night he got a text while he was laying beside me in bed as he was setting his alarm. He looked at me quickly he didn't open it while I was looking at him and the rolled over and replied. I asked him who it was and he took to long to answer so while he was sleeping I got the phone and found some flirty mssgs. with an intern he met at work. nothing too bad just the kind of stuff you txt with someone when you are looking to start dating them maybe. I woke him up and confronted him about it and he just kind of sat there. I asked if he wanted to break up and he burst into tears. He doesn't cry easily. He said he loved me he truly does but not in a forever way. That maybe once he did. But he has just been trying to find it again for so long and he said he would keep trying as long as I wanted him to. The I was the best friend he ever had and if I could only understand how hard he has tried and the guilt he has been carrying around because he feels "he is wasting my time" I don't feel a minute was wasted NOT ONE SECOND. I got the whole it's not you it's me... even though he admitted it was cliche. We decided to remain roommates until our lease is up in november. He doesn't make much money at all and I don't make enough to keep this big house by myself. So I was going to take a room and he will take a room.

Is it too much to hope that we can rekindle the flame like that. That he might miss me and see what an amazing, if not perfect, relationship we had. I can give any more info needed please email me here or on my yahoo which is in my profile if you don't want to post. I want any words you can give. How to cope with losing him how to keep him... I am lost and confused. THings seemed TERRIFIC just 2 weeks ago we were making passionate love everynight he was affectionate and loving and then BAM 2 weeks later. He is an amazing man a good person. I don't want to lose him but I don't want him to be held down in a relationship and not be head over heels. Please Hope me....

But... my dog has a job. She loves me!

miss lynnster — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 12:12:25 -0800

Man who was raised in a culture where animals are meant to be working on a farm and not kept for fun... dating a dog-lovin' woman who owns a face-licking puppy. Clearly not a long-term match perhaps, but how to ease the discomfort of either party, respect everyone's feelings, and bypass disagreements? My 12 pound dog is well trained, cute (to everyone but him), and very sweet. She's polite and under voice control. We're very attached, she goes almost everywhere with me. She sleeps at the foot of my bed, and I like her there. I love this dog and she LOVES people, including this man. She wants to say hello and play, and he just stares at her. Sometimes he'll pet her... but later he'll act like he deserved a medal for it. He says he doesn't like pets because they're a responsibility. I tell him, "my dog is MY responsibility though, it doesn't affect you. And you have two children so those are responsibilities too. Many good things in life are responsibilities."

I don't force my dog on him. But I'm not going to hide her, and I can't always control that she wants to say hello to him... she's naturally affectionate (normally not a bad thing). I tell him "I love my dog, sorry but ya gotta deal with it." His favorite argument is that he doesn't understand why people adopt dogs instead of giving a home to a child. Many conversations about pets end up at this argument... which isn't won by saying, "Well, I wanted a dog *because* I didn't WANT a child." I also tried once to compare it to him loving soccer and me hating it but watching it with him anyhow. He says that's a bad comparison.

I know and respect that this is all cultural. I was raised by people who felt that a home isn't complete without a dog curled up at your feet. He was raised in a country where dogs are vermin and animals that are owned by humans live outdoors and are there for a purpose. They're kept solely to have jobs. He resents it that American society implies if you don't love "useless" pets you are lacking compassion. I see his point, because that was my first reaction. But I also think he holds that social pressure against the animals more than actually disliking them... kind of an "Everyone says I have to do this so screw that, I'm not going to. Everyone thinks I have to like pets? Well, no! I HATE DOGS! So there!" It's a bit of a soapbox for him, and it gets tiring because I'm not telling him how to feel, but *I'm* not going to change when I own a dog I adore with all of my heart. He says "Well, I'm fine with you liking your dog. You can keep liking your dog." And then I get annoyed because... why would I need his approval.

As you can tell, it's the conversations about it that get on my nerves more than anything. Every time the topic comes up (even when he hasn't seen my dog for months) my head starts to hurt. I would like it to be a non-issue.

Lately I've just stopped inviting him over and just go to his place. But in the future he'll be visiting me in another city so that won't be an option. When he used to come over to my house, I'd crate my dog sometimes. Other times I'd let her loose and he'd tolerate her. But I saw that her personality started to change as did mine... she seemed kind of depressed because I wasn't giving her as much attention. She would slink away when she wanted to show him love and he didn't respond favorably (she's used to people on the street happily rubbing her belly), and when I'd try to crate her she started to cower and whimper like I was being mean. It's hard for me because in my mind, she's my baby (he winces when I say that) and frankly, it's HER house more than it is his. But dogs are dogs and people are people and I want to respect his issue. I'm allergic to cats but have learned to like my friends cats and respect that it's their home and not mine. I'm flexible like that, though. Not sure he is ready to think that way. Not sure how to make this situation totally comfortable for all people and puppies involved, or if I even can.

Any suggestions on how to keep this from being a repeated topic of conversation and stress? To be honest, if I have to choose between the two... the dog wins. But I would rather not have to go there. I'd like to appreciate the good parts of my relationship with him and adore my beloved puppy too, without the two clashing.

Sorry this is so long.

She'z emotionally unavailablez.

Anonymous — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 11:03:15 -0800

Is "not emotionally available" ever a temporary thing? Long story somewhat less long:

Went to a music festival. Met a woman there talking to some friends from my old town who I felt totally smitten for immediately. She's a lovely, well, frigin fantastic dancer. I'm a musician. She was very friendly and relaxed and charming. Within about 10 minutes of talking to her, I realized that she was the ex-gf of a good friend of mine, who after breaking up with his long term gf, was playing the field pretty aggressively. I believe they dated Jan-Feb of this year.

I didn't tell her I knew this because I'd known that she'd been pretty upset by the breakup and I wanted to get to know her on my own terms. She probably could have guessed that I knew him but didn't mention it. (she'd traveled for a few months out of country, was hoping he'd be there for her when she got back but he'd moved on and now is pretty serious about someone else).

Anyway, I made a big effort to hang with her over the week of the festival. We went for a long walk and went swimming and talked quite a lot. There was definitely a sense of hurt about her, and at times she was quite distant and removed. But at other times our conversations clicked, and while she didn't go out of her way to hang, we ended up spending most of our time together. Towards the end she sat with me in a corner of a crowded bar till 2 or 3 in the morning and we talked and it was really nice. We talked about a lot of things we have in common and similar ways of looking at the world and understanding people.

The following morning we hung out at a concert a bit more and were having a really nice time. Later in the afternoon she seemed to tense up and was less friendly. It was the last day of the concert and I was feeling really anxious about everything and didn't want to just let it slide because I knew that I'd be rolling it over in my head forever if I didn't talk to her. So I told her that I knew she'd dated my friend and apologized for not letting her know (she didn't seem to mind). And that I had had a great time hanging out with her and would like to see her again.

She told me that she'd thought maybe she should tell me that she's "not emotionally available" but didn't know when to bring it up. Basically a combination of getting pretty wrapped up with my friend and being very hurt by him and a lot of turmoil in her life (she's got a lot of career uncertainty). Things are going well for her right now and she doesn't want to open up to anything because she was pretty wrecked in the last couple of months and is just now feeling ok. She said over and over again "this spring sucked".

She said "I hope this isn't the last time we see each other" and I told her I didn't know what to say. I've had a really hard time in situations like this and have really hurt myself in the past. I'm really gunshy about this particular situation...I never know what to do and it feels totally uncomfortable for me. I told her as much. She lives 2 hours away and it would be a lot of effort for me to keep getting to know her.

However I like her tons. For the record: we have a seemingly similar sense of humor (kind of a rarity as mine is pretty odd), she's smart and kind and interesting, and she's a fabulous dancer (watching her dance was just totally beautiful). We sort of seem to see eye to eye on a lot of things and she said how much she'd liked hanging out with me, people watching and shooting the shit. So to an extent I take her at her word that this is a bad time for her. I could see that in her face through the week and when we talked to. It turns out (related by my friend via IM from the country he moved to recently) that she'd dated yet another one of my friends, who'd apparently treated her badly to some degree too. It really does sound like it's been an awful year for her.

Oh yeah, I'm 10 years older than she is. Her: early to mid 20s, me early to mid 30s. She's young. But smart and independent and pretty mature I think.

Myself, I know that no matter how fucked up things were, if someone I liked came into my life, I'd clear the decks and hope for the best. So I'm not sure how to interpret her emotional unavailability. Need I think: this woman will never, ever come around and I need to put the possibility of a relationship between us totally out of my head? Or could I think: don't expect anything out of it, but nothing is written in stone, and if you enjoy her company it might be worth hanging out with her and getting to know her? I'm kind of a clutz at the kind of dancing we do (I'm more a musician), so I'm sort of interested in perfecting my steps and then coming down to dance with her sometime and spend some more time. But I really have no idea how to approach this.

I'm also interested in general what the appropriate response to "I'm not emotionally available" is. I never know what to say. I have a hard time switching gears and saying "sure, lets be friends". But I also feel like a jerk for saying "well, ok, see you".

25 Years and Counting

Anonymous — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 11:02:00 -0800

How to lessen a friendship? We've been friends for 25 years--met in kindergarten. As we've gotten older, I've found her to be pretty intolerable. As adults, I find that she is dominating, obnoxious, arrogant and the like. I just don't enjoy talking to her, however, I do not want to end this friendship. I would like to lessen it to catching up once a year or so. We live in different cities and currently talk every month or so. How do I discreetly minimize this friendship?

How can I listen to someone who has an annoying voice without letting my irritation get to me?

Kattullus — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 10:35:21 -0800

Someone I have to interact with on a fairly regular basis has a voice that grates really badly on my nerves. How can I listen what the person is saying without being annoyed by the voice? As far as I know I don't show any outward signs of my irritation, so that's not an issue, I'd just like to be able to interact with this person like I do with everyone else. It's not a friend but it's someone I can't avoid talking with.

As far as I can tell the person is perfectly nice but the voice, a mix of David Brent and NPR, is extremely irritating to me. I've never had this problem before but I have a hard time paying attention to the words because the voice is so annoying to me. I thought this would abide once I'd gotten used to the sound but after 6 months of talking to this person at least twice a week I still can't get over it. Do you have any ideas as to how I can stop being annoyed? Have you ever had a similar problem and found a way to get past your irritation?

Should I schedule my Skype video chats?

jeffhoward — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 08:16:01 -0800

What's the protocol for scheduling personal video calls over Skype or iChat AV? I'm pretty new to this area and trying to understand whether it's okay to just call someone up on video. I can see the need to set up times for conference calls or video conferences in a business setting where you're trying to coordinate groups of people or book facilities, but the rationale seems less clear for communicating with friends or family. Is it rude to send an impromptu video request to a friend or relative who you know to be on Skype? What's the protocol? If you need to schedule it beforehand, why? How much time is appropriate and under what circumstances?

Am I just happier being single?

Anonymous — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 07:32:38 -0800

Am I just happier being single? I'm a 33 year-old guy. Since my early 20's, I've been involved in five relationships that lasted long enough (say ~ 1 year or more) and had enough compatibility to contemplate getting married. In each of these cases I broke up with the woman, and in retrospect I know that was the right decision in four of the cases. The fifth case is a bit more ambiguous: I'm not 100% sure I made the right decision, but I am completely at peace with it.

About four months ago, I met the girl who is seemingly the girl of my dreams. She's super-smart, attractive, and fun to be around. To summarize, I don't really have any significant complaints and, although I realize that these are still early days, I think that I have enough relationship experience to realize that this is different. One downside is that we live about 2 hours away from each other, for the next year, or so. We used to live in the same city.

So, good for me, end of story, right? Unfortunately, no. Over the past few weeks, I've begun to feel pretty uneasy about being in a relationship. Part of these feelings probably originate from the fact that we're pretty much spending all of our weekends together, since we rarely see each other during the week. This can leave little time alone or time alone with friends. I imagine that this is fairly normal challenge, and something that we can address.

The potentially more worrisome issue for me is that I've noticed that I generally feel / act like a slightly different person when I'm in a relationship versus when I'm single. I feel more constrained, less fun, less outgoing, less positive, and less energetic. Coupled with a packed schedule, these feelings can make it challenging to make new friends in the area that I've just moved to.

I know that there might be a little bit of a grass-is-greener syndrome happening here, and I recognize that this is something I might want to seek a professional opinion on, which I'm not opposed to, but I'd still like to hear what some of you think.

Specifically, I would like to know if any of you have ever felt similarly ambivalent about someone who was clearly awesome and clearly a better match for you than anyone you had dated in the past. What did you do about it? Are you happy with the decision? A large part of me thinks I should just plow ahead, while working out these details with a therapist, since she is clearly a catch.

On the other hand, are you someone who has decided that you're happier being single? I know that there are threads about this, but I'm particularly interested in hearing from those who have made this decision in the absence of any particularly bad relationship experiences. My relationships have been pretty good, for the most part, but I noticed after my last breakup (before the current gf) that I became happier, more active, healthier, and more engaged with the world. Of course, this was only a 3-4 month sample, so I may not have felt that way if it had been years. If you've taken this path, how has this turned out for you? Are you happy with the decision?

Thanks a bunch. You've all been so helpful in the past and I love you for that!

Plan for post-partum family visits?

Anonymous — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 07:32:11 -0800

What's a good plan for post-partum family visits? Our first baby is due in early November. We feel prepared and are comfortable in infant care (both IRL and in the numerous books we've read). We have flexible schedules and generous parental leave time. We also have a large helpful circle of friends.

Our families want to visit from out-of-town when baby is born and perhaps even be present for the birth. This could be 4-9 adults at once.

First concern: there are particular family members who are very anxious and their anxiety/presence triggers my anxiety.

Second concern: we have a pull-out couch in the living room and a futon in the office/baby room but only 1 bathroom. Plus, hotels? Rental cars? Airport pick ups? We're gonna be the ones organizing all this. And we don't really have seating for more than 6 at a time.

Questions:

First, do we really need "Help" like people say we do? (We have in-house laundry and dishwasher, 3 grocery stores, 2 pharmacies, and dozens of take-out places within a 8 minute walk. And we've stocked up on baby stuff and frozen food to the gills.) Will I regret not having 4-9 "Helpers"?

And second, how do we tell them that we don't want them/need them around for the birth? (Some are going to be pissed.)

Third, then how can we properly schedule visits to satisfy their need to see the baby "early" and have them also be useful?

Fourth, is it easier to stagger guests or have them all at once and rip the band-aid off?

Fifth, how long is enough? 1 week? 4 days? They probably want to come for weeks.

One thought: Thanksgiving, when baby is 2-4 weeks old. Another thought: just suck it up and let them come and tolerate it when they are here.

Any suggestions are welcome!

Should I insist he tell me he loves me?

Anonymous — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 07:31:48 -0800

I'm verbal. He's not. Is our relationship doomed? I have been with my wonderful S.O. for nearly five years. I truly adore him and can't even begin to describe the ways he's contributed to my life; he is my best friend, is an amazing lover, and an all-around great guy.

Problem: I'm hyperverbal and expressive. He...is not. Add past relationship trauma to the mix and you get a whole lot of insecurity.

He blames some messed-up relationships for the fact that he can't (or won't) tell me he loves me. I am too afraid of rocking the boat to insist he expresses his love in words. To clarify, he is considerate, kind, and loving in deed, just not in words. On occasion he will go into hermit mode and refuse to touch or be touched (he has ultra-sensitivity issues and insomnia that prevent us from sharing the same bedroom), but this tends to be the exception rather than the rule and I do my best to be understanding and give him space.

Still, something inside me yearns for A Declaration. I feel in my heart that if I insisted on it, he would be unable to do so. This hurts, but not as much as the thought of not having him in my life.

I guess my question is, is a relationship without verbal expressions of love doomed? How have you dealt with similar issues? If you have a hard time saying "I love you," how come? Should actions speak louder than words? Am I obsessing over something that's irrelevant?

DTMFA advice is really unnecessary, as I have no plans to break up with this person any time soon. Questions or more personal advice welcome at mefimail@inbox.com.