She came, she toyed, I conquered?

August 23, 2008 4:03 PM

I like her a lot. We tried it out and she said that "we should just be friends." Problem is I see her a lot and I don't know what the hell is going on.

A quick synopsis: she was a friend of mine, I told her I liked her, she was unsure, she then told me she liked me, things were cool, then within 2 weeks time they became a bit awkward, she 'ended things' and told me that she wasn't ready for a commitment right now.

She said that she's unsure but that she has feelings for me and that we should just be friends as it wouldn't be fair for me to wait around. I agree.

Problem is, I see her all the time. We hang out, sometimes 1 on 1, we text, etc. When I'm around her, I want to be with her. I try to tell myself to forget about her but it's hard.

I feel that she still likes me but I don't know what I should do? Continue being her friend (it's killing me softly to see her all the time), bring it up again, or completely forget about her (not something I want to do).

I need some closure and knowing that she still has feelings for me isn't helping one bit.

posted by anonymous to human relations (19 comments total)

You actually don't know that she has feelings for you. You have a feeling that she has feelings for you. You need to believe what she says. If it's really hurting you, then you need to ween the time you spend with her. You don't want to be with a person who you have to convince to be with you.
posted by spec80 at 4:09 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

Make (a) new friend(s).
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 4:11 PM on August 23, 2008

Oh yes you do. Why not try to win her? Seems like you're mostly there anyway.
posted by luckypozzo at 4:12 PM on August 23, 2008

Did you have sex? I think the answer to that question could be important.
posted by Wayman Tisdale at 4:27 PM on August 23, 2008

Women have this horrifying ability to receive pleasure from just being friends with men.

I know, it's bizarre. No it doesn't make sense. And yes, it isn't fair for her to expect friendship from you without putting out in return.

You should resolve just to be friends, stop fantasying about mounting her, and try and meet someone new.
posted by wfrgms at 4:30 PM on August 23, 2008 [4 favorites]

She said that ... that we should just be friends

That is everything you need to know. You're friends. Ball is in her court; if (unlikely in the extreme) it is ever going to change it will be at her pace. Be friends, don't push for anything more (because that will guarantee nothing more will ever happen in this universe). If you can't be friends with her, don't be.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 4:55 PM on August 23, 2008

Women have this horrifying ability to receive pleasure from just being friends with men.

yes, but let's just be friends is often also just what those afraid of a confrontation or lacking better verbal skills say when they mean I don't want you.

op, look at it this way: she likes chocolate but hates the calories. you're a chocolate bar that tastes good but has many calories. you're welcome to be around but she won't bite into you. she's telling you you're welcome to look nice on the shelf but that's it.

there is nothing you can do about this. you will not be able to change her mind and trying to do that means you'll be humiliating yourself. it won't happen.

so do you want to be "just friends" with this person or is your primary motivation for associating with her sexual?
posted by krautland at 4:57 PM on August 23, 2008 [2 favorites]

might as well just paste in what prefpara said only the other day:

Here is my advice: believe what people tell you about themselves. If she tells you she does not want to sleep with you, believe her. Take that at face value. Don't try to guess at what she "really means." Don't speculate about her subconscious or try to figure out how her past might be tricking her mind or pushing her to make bad choices. Just believe her. She has told you, repeatedly, that she does not want to pursue a sexual relationship with you. Your job is to accept that. I can't tell you whether or not you will be able to remain friends with her, but it will be much easier for you to achieve that end if you give up the hope that someday, you will finally convince her to become your lover.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:23 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yeah, your situation sucks and I have been there. Know this:

• It's unlikely that anything will happen between you. Even if it did, it's also unlikely that this relationship would have long term potential
• If you hang out with her, expect to feel hurt and sad. There is nothing you can do to change that. Over time you will care less and less, and it will hurt less. If she's really worth keeping as a friend, spend less time with her until spending time with her no longer hurts at all.
• Does she have friends of her own? If not, she might string you along for the friendship aspect and not really be very sensitive about your feelings for her. Don't feel obligated to spend time with her to fulfill her emotional needs -- after all, she's not fulfilling yours.
• Someone else will come along. Really. Truly.

posted by Deathalicious at 5:50 PM on August 23, 2008

If you want to be friends with her, keep being friends with her.

If you only want to be friends with her because you're hoping she'll change her mind about dating you, stop being friends with her.

I say this not because it's fairer to her (although it is), but because it's fairer to YOU.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:10 PM on August 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

Um, to put it simply: start banging someone else. Seriously.

You *might* be able to pull off the "casual, we're just friends" thing but only if you have another release and focus and someone who actually likes you. Get your mind off her by putting it on someone else.

She's just not that into you. She knows you're there, she's just not crazy feeling it, and you don't want a relationship with that lopsided reciprocity.

Sometimes you can be the very best thing for someone else and they can see it and acknowledge it and enjoy spending time with you and still not want the relationship thing. I've been there. It's not fun. So bang someone else. Difficult at first, but you'll be shocked how much reciprocity helps you forget the focus of your previous issues.
posted by disillusioned at 7:11 PM on August 23, 2008

She's just not that into you.

That pretty much says it all.

You deserve a relationship with someone who is as in to you as you are in to her. Go find it.
posted by tkolar at 8:26 PM on August 23, 2008

She gets off on you liking her but doesn't feel like reciporcating.

So if you want that, keep hanging out. Otherwise let it go, tell her that your feelings are too strong and that you know she understands. Ask her not to call until you call her. Then don't call.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:54 PM on August 23, 2008

If you only want to be friends with her because you're hoping she'll change her mind about dating you, stop being friends with her.

Adding: because she will not change her mind.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:11 PM on August 23, 2008

I remember reading this Dan Savage column about how being someone's friend and being someone's boyfriend are two completely different things. You aren't going to be able to be her friend until you don't want to be her boyfriend, so either find someone else, or take the time to not be around her.

I've been through the same situation, and while I am friends with them now, I still shouldn't have been around them as much as I was at the time I think.
posted by fnerg at 2:22 AM on August 24, 2008

Hi,

After you read ALL the Info of the link below, you will know exactly what is going on, and how to get out from the situaton.

http://ladderwiki.com/w/index.php/Original_Ladder_Theory

Good luck,
posted by zulonline at 3:23 AM on August 24, 2008

That site is a pile of stinking bullshit.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 3:27 AM on August 24, 2008 [11 favorites]

I feel that she still likes me but I don't know what I should do? Continue being her friend (it's killing me softly to see her all the time), bring it up again, or completely forget about her (not something I want to do).

1) If it hurts you to be just friends with her, go find some other people to distract you. Don't hang around her so much. There's nothing wrong with taking some time away to sort out your feelings.
2) Bring up the relationship again? She has said no. She doesn't want a relationship with you. Don't bring it up again.
3) Well - forget about her how? You can either forget about the possibility of dating her and remain her friend, or forget about the possibility of being her friend and find some other friends to hang out with. You can't be a friend to her and constantly be hoping for more. That's not healthy for either of you.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 10:03 AM on August 24, 2008

Don't we have a "no ladder theory" policy here? Because if we don't, we should.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:47 PM on August 24, 2008