I'm in love with my best friend and she loves me too, but doesn't want to sleep with me. Has this any hope of working?
posted by anonymous to human relations (31 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
About 4 years I met a girl through work who we'll call Miss X, I was in a long term relationship at the time and she was in and out of a thing with a guy which didn't last much longer than after I met her. We clicked from day 1 and we soon became close friends. Within a few months I began realising that I didn't actually love (and never had) the girl I was with and after a few months more left her. Miss X never once told me to leave the gf but it was largely through talking with her that I realised I wasn't in the right place and getting out was exactly the right thing to do.
Trouble is, I felt the right place was with Miss X. We have very different sexual backgrounds, I'm on the inexperienced side and she's done a lot of things with a lot of guys. I spent a long time after my breakup, trying to pretend that I was more experienced than I was (to "impress" her), something she saw through straight away and which seriously pissed her off. About a year ago I told her I loved her, to which she just told me I was overwhelmed by her and that nothing was ever going to happen like that, she just didn't feel that way about me.
Throughout this time however our friendship carried on growing (about 6 months after I left my gf Miss X moved to another country with work) and we spend hours on the phone every night and I saw this (because I wanted to) as a sign that eventually we would get together, couldn't see any other way of it working out. Every so often the "issue" of me wanting to sleep with her would come up and usually the conversation would end very badly and we wouldn't talk for a few days, both saying we needed space if the friendship had any chance of working (which is something we both want), but after a few days or a week or so the radio silence would end and we would be back to chatting away again as if nothing had happened.
I've known for a few months that eventually other people would come into the equation on both sides, but she's always said that it wouldn't change the way she feels about me (she now says she loves me too). Basically, her family background is pretty horrific, which has always stopped her getting close to people, until I came along, and she believes that you can't truly be friends with the person you're sleeping with, ie the idea of "the one" doesn't exist. I don't agree with her, despite my lack of experience here, and for me, undoubtedly she feels like "the one", beautiful, sexy and my best friend. I think a part of her not wanting to sleep with me is that she doesn't want it to change and ultimately kill our friendship.
Within the last week or so, we've both had meaningless (but fun) casual sex (not with each other). I told her about mine last week and she was delighted as she feels it's exactly what I need to get me out of my shell and back on the market so to speak. Hers happened over the weekend and she told me about it tonight. The guy is "a bit annoying", but they were partying in a party town, and hey, a girl has needs right? She made it clear to him that she's not into a long-term thing (she's moving countries again in 6 weeks) but they both live in the same town and she will no doubt see him again for more of the same before she leaves.
Recently I've been a lot more relaxed around her and by and large have stopped trying to impress her as I've realised that the real me impresses her, not the macho sleep-around guy I wanted to come over as, and as a result we've grown even closer. I've known her sleeping with somebody else has been on the cards for a while (she's a very attractive girl who enjoys sex, it was bound to happen) but naturally it's hit me hard. She says she needs the physical contact, as do I (I'm seeing the girl from last week again tomorrow, and it's certainly good for my confidence, it's been a while). However, we both need our friendship (more than casual sex) and have tried to walk away from it on several occasions, each time always coming back to each other. She's never led me on, or directly made me believe that a sexual relationship was on the cards (believing that possiblilty has always been pretty much all my doing) so I don't feel manipulated in any way.
So, the question is, what do I do? The relationship we have, which will last if I can adapt to it, is (and has been for a couple of years) the most important thing in both our lives. I can't expect her to not see other people just because she doesn't want to sleep with me. I know the "run away" answer is what you want to tell me and I've answered similar questions on here with exactly that answer, but it simply doesn't seem like a valid option (I know, I know, it never does right?). I'm moving to a different continent for a few months in 2 months time, which will give me much needed space, but am I going to be able to move on whilst keeping the friendship going? Should I want to? She truly is the most amazing (and drop-dead gorgeous) person I have ever met and I know she needs me as much as I need her, but am I kidding myself that this can work? I'm probably not going to like the answers, but some new perspective on this would help.