Grad school panic

August 20, 2008 11:10 AM

I'm panicking right now about the prospects going back to grad school at the end of the summer. I've lost the ability to think straight about my situation. I need some help.

I’ve looked through a lot of posts for help, including my own a few months ago, and even contacted some MeFites privately about this (and thank you if you are reading this, I still really appreciate it). But I think its worth posting about.

For the sake of anonymity, I’m in “humanities”, and I’ve been studying with a quantitative bent. Jobs in my field claim to require a master’s degree or 3-5yrs experience as a minimum (neither of which I have unless you count grad school and undergrad as “experience”), but I think this could be circumvented. I’m the typical age for someone who went straight to grad school.

This will run long (sorry), but “key points” and “questions” are identified at the end.

so...

Junior year, I start to question the major I had switched into, and see a career counselor at the college about it. My confidence is renewed. I continue to maintain a very high GPA. My advisors strongly encourage me to go to grad school and strongly discourage all fields but this one. I comply. Since I’m rejected by my first choice, I end up committing to my second choice, one of the top programs in my field and actually better than my top choice. Before I start, I begin to question my decision. I tell some friends about my concerns, and they put a professional career counselor in touch with me (yeah, they actually had her call me). She offers her services for free and insists I come in for one session. I leave the session no more confident but I believe I should “give it a try” for a year or two, then leave with a masters if my concerns are confirmed.

The first academic year of grad school goes by just fine. I’m so incredibly busy I forget about my worries. The stress of being busy never gets me down. I’m pretty bored in classes, but that’s nothing new. At the end of the academic year, I feel ok with the thought of going on. The program is wonderful, the people are a delight, and I feel respected as an individual and a researcher. Summer, isn’t busy since I’m only doing research. By the end of summer, I’m questioning everything again. The school year starts, I’m busy, and forget about my concerns. Then winter break rolls along, my research isn’t doing too well. My concerns turn into distaste. I realize I can’t distinguish between being disappointed with my research and a general distaste for the field. Winter break ends and I’m back in classes. Being busy doesn’t disguise my misgivings anymore. I’m constantly bored in classes, talks, and meetings. I apply for a fellowship anyway and wait to hear. I talk to one of my close friends in the program about my concerns. He feels the same way, which I suspected was the case. I’m glad that I’m not alone. He is and will be the only person I tell that is involved with the program.

By the end of the academic year, I’m drained. Work is a chore like never before. I’m bored out of my mind just thinking about it. I need to push hard just to work on each assignment. Everything else about the program is still great. I love my colleagues as friends and enjoy the professors as people. We all get along. I can’t imagine a better grad school environment; this never changes. But I don’t care about what I’m doing anymore, I can’t picture a happy future for myself in this field and it seems I don’t like academia in general. I don’t want to continue. But, I’ve got nothing to show for the work I’ve done, and that scares me. I decide I should just wait and see, maybe getting a masters and leaving is a good idea. Time ends up making matters worse. I really don’t want to go back. All of a sudden everyone is saying “congratulations”, while I’m thinking “oh s**t”. That fellowship I applied for, I got. People had my back on this one, wrote me letters of recommendation, and went to bat for me when necessary and it worked. I decide to commit to the fellowship; I’d get more money, more recognition, more freedom. What other “more”s could I want? Oh wait, more work? No, I don’t want it, but I’ll get it.

Back to summer research. It still sucks, I’m ashamed of my work, but acknowledge it’s not all my fault. Despite the lack of success I still feel I am respected. My stress levels go up anyway and guilt enters the picture over the fellowship. This is a special fellowship, in house--or in university anyway. My friends were competing for it too and were turned down. I feel undeserving because I do not deserve. By awarding this fellowship to me, people I know and people I don’t are betting on my success as an academic and researcher. I assume because of this, a leave of absence is no longer an option. I worry that if I do leave early, future recommendations may not be so glowing. The feelings I’ve been having become very confused.

My research has a sudden success, results are good. I don’t feel good about it though. Maybe it’s because I still don’t care about my work, and dislike it at this point. Then I find a stupid mistake. Turns out it was a false alarm my research isn’t going well as I thought it was. While good results didn’t make me feel better, finding out the good results weren’t real, that sure makes me feel a whole lot worse. My willingness to grin and abide has been dashed. I don’t feel like I can go on in this program any more. The academic year is fast approaching and I want to dodge it.

You are now up to date.

Thank you if you actually read all that. If not please at least read the key points:

--I’ve had misgivings about my presence in the field since junior year as an undergrad
--I’ve seen two career counselors about my concerns.
--I don’t care about the work I do anymore. I’ve lost interest in the field. I don’t think I want to be in academia.
--I’ve had a tendency to be dishonest with myself and others over my feelings about the field (I say I like it when I don’t, I think I’m in it for the wrong reasons)
--The program is great academically and socially; I actually like the environment and the people.
--I’m good at the coursework.
--I’ve been unsuccessful with, but not necessarily “bad” at, the research.
--Even when the research appears to be going well my feelings don’t change.
--I’ve been offered and accepted a fellowship that others worked to make sure I get. My classmates (who are my friends) wanted it but didn’t get offers. This fellowship actually gives some people (potential recommenders for future applications) a stake in my success.
--I’m feeling fear, apprehension, guilt, panic, anxiety, and shame over the situation
--I think I want out, now.

So here are my questions.

Do I suck it up and continue, or is spending your time in intellectual and emotional misery not worth the payoff?

If I can’t get a master’s, which I believe is the case if I left now, am I shooting myself in the foot by leaving. Will the skills I’ve gained go completely unrecognized and will the hole in my resume damage my future prospects either in the job market or another graduate program? Would getting a master’s actually add so much to make it worth it?

Can I quit without alienating a) the friends who wanted but didn’t get the fellowship, b) the professors who recommended me c) the “program” that now has a stake in my success because of that fellowship? If so, how?

Am I just letting the panic I’m feeling right now get the better of me?

Oh, and I should also say. Despite my last post on the topic, I’m not very clear on what I would want to do or could do instead. Though I do wish I had a more marketable degree.

posted by NormandyJack to work & money (24 comments total)

Could you be going through something akin to imposter syndrome?

It happens to a lot of grad students at certain milestones of a graduate career.
posted by porpoise at 11:38 AM on August 20, 2008

I haven't been in the situation myself (though I've struggled with many of the same questions wrt an undergraduate degree), but a couple things come to mind that you might look at:

- have you talked to people working in the field to get a feel for how much the work and stressors in their position match the experience you are having in school? it sounds like your loss of interest is based on the academic experience, which rarely matches real-world jobs. in this case, you might look to the fellowship as something that could bring you closer to having a real idea of the work...and it might put you in a place where you have more support for the stuff you are struggling with now...often academics is intended to push you toward a breaking point that real-work situations just don't come close to...and your present doubts and concerns might be (even predictably and by design) part of the challenge built in to an advanced degree...

- is yours the kind of field (or does it apply in general when it comes to master's degrees) in which obtaining a master's degree is seen as an important landmark, to show that you are able to do it, while the exact subject matter of the degree is less important, such that you could shift away from that particular subject but stay in the general neighborhood? or not even in the same neighborhood--is it possible that having a master's degree would prove your worth to an employer in nearly any field, related or not?

- don't rush into any decisions. if the worst-case scenario is that you quit everything, what can it hurt to hang around for a while to see how things turn out? just let it ride for a while and take the stuff as it comes. you like the people, which is good--with some exploration you'll probably find that many have gone through the same phase...and i know i tend to drive myself crazy thinking about the big picture on a daily basis, and you just can't do that, but rather take on the small chunk in front of you.

- factor in some time away from the work itself and to learn/do some relaxation stuff...it sounds like you're thinking yourself into a hole, and when you get deep enough it's hard to view it rationally, particularly with the pressure you're putting on yourself...
posted by troybob at 11:40 AM on August 20, 2008

Can I quit without alienating a) the friends who wanted but didn’t get the fellowship, b) the professors who recommended me c) the “program” that now has a stake in my success because of that fellowship? If so, how?

Maybe, maybe not. But you should recognize two things:

1) You do not owe the fellowship, the professors who supported you, or the colleagues who competed with you anything. All the people who invested in you are adults, and were cognizant of the risks that their investment entailed. Will they be disappointed? Probably. Will some be completely alienated and even angry at you? Possibly. But you'll get over it. Ultimately, continuing on in the fellowship and the field while bored and miserable will be no better payback to them than quitting now.

2) People who are your friends and allies will still be your friends and allies, even if you quit. If any of your current colleagues or professors is totally alienated by your leaving the fold, then that means that they value your membership in the academic club more than they value you as a person - not the mark of a supportive friend or colleague.

Its good that you are cognizant of your responsibility to the fellowship and your colleagues. Nevertheless, your decisions should be based upon what is best for you and your future, not guilty feelings about the time and energy that others have invested in you.
posted by googly at 11:45 AM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

For me, grad school was a roller coaster ride for sure.

I felt similar to how you felt at various times throughout the program. For what it's worth, I finished in just under 2 years, got my M.S. in Mech. Eng, and moved on. However, I almost quit a half dozen times, often rehearsing different speeches for each of the groups of people I "knew" I'd let down: Adviser (who got me my research position), co-grad students, parents, friends, in addition to feeling like I wasn't setting a good example for my younger siblings (oldest brother giving up).

I also went through a few research ups and downs when my data alternately looked good, then bad, then good, etc.

I don't know if I can say anything to really help you. Do you suck it up and continue? I'd say if you feel you can, do it. You are part-way through and once you are done, you'll have a certain satisfaction that although the situation wasn't great, you found a way through. But yea, it's really disheartening when you are dreading the thought of keeping on keeping on.

Is the master's worth it? I don't know your field, so I'm not sure. In mine, the M.S. could count a bit towards experience (since I was on an industry-sponsored research assistanceship). It basically helped my starting salary a bit, and I'd like to think helped me land a job where I get to do some pretty interesting work. But it wasn't something I HAD to do (job market wasn't great when I graduated undergrad, so grad school was the next best way to spend my time).

Can you quit without alienating people? That's a tough one. The professors will get over it, but I'm sure they won't be thrilled. They know it's tough sometimes. They would prefer to help counsel you and help anyway they can, rather than see you go. But in the end, I assume they'd rather you go if you really don't think you belong. The friends too should get over it. People change all the time. There were a couple in my research group who dropped out. It happens.

If they hold a grudge with you over this, they are saying they care more about the grad school than they do about your friendship. Take that however you want.

Are you letting the panic get to you? Yes, probably. I had many such small breakdowns. However, in my program, I worked through the summer, so I never had any time to dread things starting up again. Maybe that helped me.


bottom line, I think it's normal to feel panic and uncertainty and doubt. I even started considering leaving the engineering field altogether and maybe taking up writing or programming or carpentry, etc. I'm glad I didn't, but at the time, I really wasn't thinking too clearly.

I hope you are able to find a way to relax long enough to take a clearer look at things. You've got some time invested already, so I'd advise trying to find a way to make the situation more bearable rather than leaving it (based on my personal experience in the long run), but in the end, if it's not the right fit, taking some time off or leaving altogether might be the best.

Sorry for the length. message me if you want to chat some more.
posted by johnstein at 11:45 AM on August 20, 2008

You went straight to grad school? Take a vacation. Can you truly not go back and get a masters after a freaking vacation?? Do you believe that is the case or do you actually know? I, in your position, would take a wee planned break. Say ok and leave for a while. Give no excuses or reasons or explanations beyond the formalities and just walk away.

Because it seems that you got some serious problems and need a break. When you're out and have some breathing space, you may see your run in grad school from a different perspective and realize that you really, truly want to go back. If you realize that you don't want to be there, you won't go back, because the world is a big and interesting place and you will find something else to do, believe it.

I wouldn't worry about the fellowship. I don't how the process works, but I would imagine they could easily give it to someone else. If, as you say, you feel that you don't deserve it, then why are you hogging it? Be honest and let someone else who really wants to be there have it. Also, I bet the dudes who gave you recommendations will understand, they knew what they were getting into, nothing in life is risk free. If these people are as great as you say they are and they care about you half as much as you care about them, then you will not alienate them and they will not get angry, and you owe it to them to be honest.

Also, look up the terms "irrational escalation" and "sunk-cost fallacy"
posted by Theloupgarou at 12:08 PM on August 20, 2008

I was in exactly the same position, except for the contested fellowship. I was in a prestigious program, I wasn't excited about the research, and I was starting to dread the guilt and shame and stress about trying to get work done every day and just not feeling good about it.

So, I quit. (In a way, it was made easier for me, because a personal tragedy gave me a bit of an excuse to leave.) But it was still tough. I asked for it as a leave of absence, figuring that in a worst-case scenario, I could always come back -- but I knew that I wasn't going to.

I had no idea what I was going to do, and I was lucky enough to have a bit of money saved up so that I didn't have to decide right away. I wound up getting an (unpaid) internship in a completely different field and loving it -- that internship turned into a paid internship elsewhere and then a full-time job at a third company, doing something that's possibly the complete opposite of what I was in grad school to do.

I have never, ever regretted that decision. Even when many of my friends graduated a couple of years ago with PhDs, and I felt a bit sad that I didn't have an advanced degree -- and even though I make about a third of what I would make if I had stayed with my original field -- I still knew that I had made the right choice.

Would I feel the same way even if I hadn't found my dream job? It's hard to say. But are you ready to give up on finding a career that makes you happy? I've learned that work doesn't have to make you feel sick. If you feel that awful about it, you should find a way to leave.

Good luck.
posted by cider at 12:18 PM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I should also mention, a masters wasn't the ultimate goal, i am enrolled for a PhD in case that wasn't clear.

@porpoise i'd say yes. for sure. However, i don't think that's the root of the problem.

@troybob 1. I've actually done a lot of this. I've worked in the field non-academically, and academically. Its fine if one is pushed towards the breaking point intentionally to weed out those who don't belong. Given my long running doubts about the field, I might be one of them. 2. actually, no. at least not with my program. master's are almost unheard of. My fear is that "having a master's degree would prove [my] worth to an employer in nearly any field, related or not" and is the only way to get a foot in the door. 3. i think that after multiple years (or just the past 8 months) of feeling like this, i have given it some time of not doing anything about it but going with the flow. 4. i think your right about digging myself into a hole. One of the hard parts about grad school is the lack of personal time where you can leave it all behind. Thanks.

@googly thanks, good points. It's hard for me to disappoint people in general. More rationally, I fear the negative consequences of upsetting people I might need as recommenders in the future whether they had my best interest at heart or not.

@johnstein another set of good points. Did you ever stop caring about the work? I think thats what gets me the most is that i just don't care. I don't think all this would be so hard if I liked it. Worse, I feel like I can foresee this sort of stuff continuing if I continue. I don't ant to feel like this every time I get a little free time.

@Theloupgarou straight in, almost. My break between was longer than most but less than a year. I'd love a break now and think it might be the ideal solution, but perhaps very difficult if not impossible to do and leave the door open. It's not a guarantee of not being able to return, but my inclination is to believe it is based on quirks of the system. I truly hope that if i did leave, the fellowship would be able to go to someone else. I'd feel really really terrible if it didn't.

@cider I was really hoping I'd hear from someone who actually left. Did you get to leave with a masters? Did have a lot of time already invested? I'm glad to hear you found your dream job. Back in the winter i was thinking of how nice it'd be to find an internship in another field. My financial resources aren't quite that deep though without selling my car (even then, I'm looking at 4 months tops w/o steady income).
posted by NormandyJack at 12:32 PM on August 20, 2008

Seconding everything that Googly said, especially that the only person you owe anything to in this situation is yourself. Any unused portion of the fellowship will transfer to someone else in your program one way or another. While the thrill of being granted something prestigious like a fellowship is great, a surprise amount of fellowship money would still be welcome by any of your fellow students and would still be a help to someone even without all the fanfare. Furthermore, true friends want what is best for you, which might mean leaving the program and the field.

That said, what you are struggling with may not necessarily mean you should leave. Having done the grad school thing, a lot of this sounds familiar. I don't know anyone who is seriously immersed in their field who didn't question what she was doing or didn't contemplate leaving their program and/or field. When you throw in the less than satisfying research results, I can see why it would be hard to distinguish between the "normal" frustration, apathy, and distaste that will eventually subside or an indication that this is absolutely how you feel about it as a whole and you need to make a major life change. At the end of the day, the only one who can make that call is you.

So, go with your gut. Keep in mind that no decision is irrevocable. People leave their studies and resume them years later. People also leave a field and find something else they hadn't considered before far more rewarding. Right now you have a direct path from A to B. You can still divert from the plan and get there via alternate routes, or maybe you'll change your destination altogether and never look back. I know this is difficult, but deep down you know the answer and you just need to trust it is the right one. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 12:34 PM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I didn't leave with a masters, Normandy -- I was there for just over a year, and it would have taken me at least another year (if not more) to get the masters.

Feel free to send me a message if you want to talk more in depth -- I'd be happy to try to answer your questions.
posted by cider at 12:38 PM on August 20, 2008

Sorry to double post, but I just saw your concern about negatively effecting your opportunities for future recommendations and so on. If you are a kind, respectful, and intelligent person, you are still going to be all those things if you make a change, and mentors generally want you to succeed, even if it means you've moved on to different professional interests. In fact, if you handle this well, they may take that into consideration when recommending you and find other virtues to extol such as your maturity, your capacity for reflection, and your willingness to take a risk. I'm not saying this is the path you should take, but if you do, there is no reason to think that it will destroy your references.
posted by katemcd at 12:41 PM on August 20, 2008

How much more time are we talking about? Because I would just point out that there are absolute oodles of jobs out there that "require a masters" but don't specify or care in what. They are handy things to have stashed in the attic. You can always leave a degree you have off a CV, whereas adding one you don't actually have is generally frowned upon. In other words, the masters gives you more options.

Additionally, I would just point out that the the only difference between leaving now and leaving in a year is that when you leave in a year, you'll be holding a masters. You still don't have to use it. All of the terrifying "I might want to do something else but I don't know what" options you would be exploring in a few weeks if you don't go back will still be there next September if you have a graduate degree you don't want to use in your hand.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:47 PM on August 20, 2008

Seems you've looked at it from many angles. Again, going with the idea that the worst (or best, perhaps) that can happen is that you give it all up, maybe it wouldn't hurt to go directly to the department/fellowship people and tell them where you are on this; it's not like that will hurt your opportunities, especially not more than leaving for mysterious reasons. If you share this, they might present other options (or consider options they might not otherwise, like LOA, depending on the situation); at the least, they would be in a better position to reassure you or to clarify that perhaps this isn't the right direction. That would give you some clarification that your fears are not just the result of situational stress, and also, given their experience, they will probably be empathetic and would have appropriate advice on how to weigh the factors in your decision, or how to live with the decision you make (with their own versions of 'i went through this' or 'i know a guy who left for these reasons'). I think that kind of openness and honesty would meet your responsibility to those who have supported you along the way; it gives them a chance to advise you one way or the other, and it makes your situation personal in a way that 'i quit' would seem to prevent.
posted by troybob at 1:04 PM on August 20, 2008

@NormandyJack "Did you ever stop caring about the work?"
Yes. many times. I had doubts on the research matter before I started. It felt rather antiquated, despite my Advisor's excitement. I had no other options though, and figured I'd learn to tolerate it. (the full tuition and monthly stipend was the only way I could swing grad school).

So, while I'm the kind of guy who tends to be interested in everything, everything had it limits.

Don't get me wrong, I did learn to tolerate the research most of the time, and even really enjoyed it other times (especially when it felt like I was making progress and that I could finally see how cutting-edge the research really was, even if it wasn't my passion), but deep down, I knew it was going to be a temporary thing. I'm now working in an entirely different field (still engineering though), but I don't use any detailed aspect from grad school, just the general mindset I evolved while I was there (which I would say is more important for those of us who only go for the Masters. The PhD students I met tended to love the subject enough to spend their lives on it. That wasn't me, which was why I turned down the full ride for the PhD)

On the days I didn't care about the work, I didn't do much. Then the deadlines came, and I was putting in a lot of late nights just to catch up. My advisor noticed I think, but never really made a direct point to confront me about it. The worst it got was 'You've been slacking off lately, my friend', and he said it with a smile. This was one of the weekly meetings where I didn't have much to say in regards to progress, and was mentally rehearsing my counter-response of wanting to quit to his presumed lecturing my poor work habits and any threats of consequences', but as I said, he never really gave me a hard time. I always seemed to get enough done in the end to satisfy his standards.

I heard of other RAs who were not so lucky, and more than once, he made general speeches to the group on how important the research was and we need to treat this more like a job and leave our personal issues at home, etc. But it was a general statement.

How did I get through? Mostly suffering and scrambling to make the deadlines, though there were always short periods of interesting work that helped me keep going. In addition, I tried to find ways to make it more interesting. I like to program, so I tried to incorporate more programming in my work, so even if the direct work was boring me, I could still get some enjoyment from something that interested me. I learned a lot of MatLab.

So yea, there were lots of days when I didn't care about the work I was 'hired' to do.
posted by johnstein at 1:10 PM on August 20, 2008

I would say you've got a great opportunity, so suck it up and finish. It's only a short period of time, and you can spin your PhD to move into another field or go into business or something that you will like. You probably have options. I would talk to another career counselor and really make it clear that academia and maybe even this field is NOT your bag.
posted by xammerboy at 1:41 PM on August 20, 2008

I left with an MA. It was the right move for me, and recommend leaving either now or when you can get an MA/MSc/Mwhatever, assuming that is within the current year. It does look a bit better.

1. Do you have any confidantes from undergrad, ideally a prof there? Speak to them, but take it with a grain of salt.
2. Find someone in admin and ask them about what is required to get the master's degree (10 classes? a professor's signature that you wrote a thesis? whatever it is) and figure out what you need to do to get there.
3. Speak to an advisor about leaving.

A dissertation is way too much work if you're just going through the motions, and it's no gain to sit around being miserable. You owe people perhaps an explanation of why you left, and not to sneak out the back door, but just because you got help applying for a fellowship doesn't oblige you to stay in the field.
posted by jeather at 1:55 PM on August 20, 2008

@katemcd thanks. I do know several people in PhD programs who have not and likely will not experience this even slightly. I try not to use them as a standard to compare myself to though. All along I've been aware of the normal frustration involved with doing something like this. It wasn't until this summer I started to believe "that this is absolutely how [I] feel about it as a whole and [I] need to make a major life change". I actually know the exact moment I started to believe this though I didn't realize it right away, it was during the questions period after a talk.

@cider thanks again.

@darlingbri hopefully, just one more year for master's 2-3 for PhD. While I think in objective terms you are right on, I'd still be miserable in the meantime. There is also the risk of self destruction. The work is getting harder and harder but it hasn't increased in difficulty at all if you know what I mean.

@troybob Honesty is the best policy. I'm probably robbing everyone involved of an opportunity to do something by keeping my concerns to myself. I should have said something sooner, and I should say something now. That'll involve overcoming some fears though.

@johnstein thanks for the extra info. Another nice thing about the program is the relatively low pressure. We are treated as adults. Things need to get pretty bad before people start getting lectures, or even admonition. I've yet to receive either.

@xammerboy "you've got a great opportunity" I couldn't agree more. Really. I know, current problems aside, I'm in a situation many people would give anything to be in. Program at the top of my field, wonderful working environment, a fellowship, etc. I know how great all these things are, and that I am fortunate to be where I am. And its not like I haven’t worked hard to get here either. That said, I'm really unhappy in my current situation, and I think it’s because that this great situation isn’t great for me.

@jeather 1. Yeah, I've been thinking of contacting a former professor all summer long. I best do that soon. 2. While I don' know that masters requirements. I'm pretty sure all that's left to do would be to write a thesis and get some signatures. No guarantee it could all be done in a year though (especially with the fellowship responsibilities) 3. I'll take that as a seconding of troybob. I really need to do this.
posted by NormandyJack at 3:00 PM on August 20, 2008

Well it all sounds like grad school to me. I know plenty of people who have dropped out and people who have carried on just to get the PhD (albeit in the sciences). Some of what you're saying does sound like imposter syndrome and some is genuine disillusionment. If you can hang on and get the qualification good for you, but if it's affecting your sanity then maybe you should get out quick. Your friends will understand your decision. If you're feeling like this then if you do stay on of course you should quit after you get your Masters.
posted by ob at 3:58 PM on August 20, 2008

I left with the M.Eng. After a while, the academic world seemed just that; academic. I was making more money working in the real world than my professors ever would and was building real things that real people were using every day as opposed to my research which, if I was lucky, would end up as a footnote in some other guys paper.

Unless you are planning on being a full time academic, for which you already have a taste for what the rest of your life will be like, why not at least try to find a job in your field, you indicated some of the qualifications could be bypassed, and take a leave of absence to try that.

1. Your current professors / friends might not be so down on you as you are still in the subject area and just view it as part of your growth.

2. You get a taste for what your long run working life will be like.

3. You may get real life inputs which you can use later in your research.

4. You may find you end up with a job you like which does not require you to grind out the rest of school.
posted by monkeydluffy at 5:02 PM on August 20, 2008

-The only way to find out if you can leave your program with a master's is to ask. Every program is different, we don't know how much progress you've made, etc. Assuming the culture in your department is good, speak to someone you trust about the fact that you are debating your options at this point and you want to know what's possible.

- Don't worry about what you "owe" your program. They know there's a risk that any given grad student won't continue. It's ok. Let go of that worry. The program can take care of itself. Make the decision that's right for you, because NOBODY else in this situation is looking out for your best interests - you're the only one who can.

-Speak - a few times! - to a counselor who specializes in grad students about your decision. Check the counseling center at your school, or call around to names in the phone book. It's possible this is routine grad school depression - which sucks but can hurt your decisionmaking, making the situation look more hopeless than it is, so it's useful to talk to a third party who has no vested interest in the outcome of your deliberations.

-If you know now (after talking to a counselor and ruling out the clouding effects of depression) that you don't like the field, you don't like doing research in it, you don't think it's useful to teach or you don't like teaching it, then quit. Period. (Or make plans to finish out the master's and quit.)

- I've known a number of people who have quit and overwhelmingly they are glad they quit. There are a lot of other interesting and good options out there. You are younger than you think, don't get worried about how much time you've spent in grad school. It will take a little while to establish your career outside academia, but that just means it's a good idea to get started sooner rather than later.
posted by LobsterMitten at 6:35 PM on August 20, 2008

Incidentally, I don't mean that everybody in humanities grad school should quit - but IF upon reflection the only reason you're doing this is because other people wanted you to do it, and you find that you don't like it, and it's making you anxious and depressed, then for pete's sake quit!
posted by LobsterMitten at 6:38 PM on August 20, 2008

I don't know the culture of your personal department, but I strongly recommend you think very carefully about who you tell you are considering leaving before you've made up your mind. Academic departments can be dens of gossip, and there are professors who will punish you until you leave just for considering it. Most won't, of course, but circumspection is wise until you've made a decision either way.

There is generally a university-wide policy for leaving with a master's, which you need to know before you find out what your department thinks.

LobsterMitten's idea to find a counsellor is a good idea.
posted by jeather at 7:52 PM on August 20, 2008

@ob thanks. we'll see what i can do.

@monkeydluffy if i can do that it may well be worth it

@LobsterMitten 1. i agree, picking the right person/time is important though 2. I know i shouldn't but i still will. 3. e-mail sent this morning to try to find grad student specific services, thanks for the suggestion. 4. that sounds like a good way to go about this. 5. I've heard similar before and it's good to hear it again, thanks.

@jeather yeah, this has been a big part of whats holding me back. Our department isn't especially gossipy, but it's certainly there amongst both the professors and students. I also want to have a better grasp on my own intentions before I talk to someone in the department. I don't think this is worth bringing up if its just the usual thing that grad students go through. Unfortunately, I don't quite know my advisor well enough to determine how they'd react to the situation. It'd be much easier to talk to a former professor at my UG institution.
posted by NormandyJack at 6:58 AM on August 21, 2008

I just left my graduate program as well! It was a really hard decision. So I can empathize with your situation.

It seems to be a lot of people have difficulties in grad school, and a lot of people experience some kind of depression at some point during it. For me, it wasn't worth it.

My father got his PhD in his twenties, taught for one or two years, and then left academia entirely to become a builder. He'd put his whole adult life into it, and then realized he was going to suffocate if he stayed the track he was on. He went on to have a really happy, lucrative career.

I just hated the Masters program I was in. I'm considering applying to other programs to finish my degree, but it does seem like so many people have tumultuous grad school experiences, that I'm hesitant.

That said, I think just rolling with it is OK too. Just do what you can/ slack off to save your head. Take care of yourself first.
posted by Rocket26 at 4:34 PM on August 22, 2008

Thanks Rocket.

I'll have an update to this soon (because I think that followups on this sort of post might help). Needless to say though, I'm in a much better place now than I was on the 20th.
posted by NormandyJack at 2:26 PM on September 5, 2008