Telemarketers are Big Fat Liars!!!!

August 20, 2008 10:34 AM

How can I get rid of Telemarketers that call and falsely say they know my boss?

I am the personal assistant to an engineer. Unfortunately, my boss gets a lot of unwanted sales calls and it is part of my job to keep them from getting to him! My problem is that they will call pretending to know him or telling me that they know him... Now..as you can see...this is a problem for me and for my boss. I guess I just don't know the proper questions to ask. I ask them what their name is and the purpose of their call. They usually tell me that they will call back when he is available. I ask if i can tell him who called and they say some off the wall name, and i ask for the purpose of the call and they say that they will call back. WE DON'T WANT THEM TO CALL BACK!!!

I had one guy today who was a total jerk. I asked how he knew my boss...he said "Well how do you know him!" of course i told him that I was his assistant, to which he replied...."you haven't been his assistant his whole life have you?" I hung up on him.

I just don't know what to say to them to get them to understand that we don't want their calls and being sneaky about it telling me that they know him is retarded. Like I'm not going to ask! They usually hang up in my face if I tell them that he isn't in the office which is so rude....and then of course I don't have time to tell them to take us off their calling list.

posted by genniangel0 to work & money (25 comments total)

Can you just say directly, Is this a sales call? Rather than, 'how do you know my boss?' which has the additional risk of offending someone who actually does know your boss?
posted by A Terrible Llama at 10:37 AM on August 20, 2008 [3 favorites]

Is the number they're calling on the national Do Not Call registry? If not, sign up for it now. It's free.

If so, if you have caller ID on the phone, try to write down the number while you're talking to them -- still go ahead and try to get them to give it to you, but use that as a backup. Then -- if they hang up on you, but you got the number, do a Google search FOR that number. You will most likely either get their address, at which point you can complain to the Better Business Bureau about them -- or call THEM back directly and ask to be placed on their "Do Not Call" list -- or you will get a link to a web site where other people have been complaining about them, and you can get the address and such that way.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:40 AM on August 20, 2008

I dealt with something similar once, where we had recruiters calling at work in an attempt to lure away our employees. We did two things...

1) ALL incoming calls were screened and a message was taken. Everyone was considered unavailable for a direct call, all the time. Nobody could reach anyone directly, ever. Eventually, the screener got familiar with who was who (e.g. wives and husbands and real calls and such) and was able to let some calls through. You can't stop the call-backs, of course, but if you put up an impenetrable wall, some will get the message.

2) Every time a bad call got through (for whatever reason), we tracked down the originator and wrote emails to them ("Nice try, jackass..."), and cc'd it to everyone we could think of that was in a related field ("We understand that in your line of work, your reputation is everything, so we'd like to let as many people know as possible how exactly you do your work and let them determine for themselves whether they should tap you for your services in the future...").
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:44 AM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

Pretty much the foolproof response to anybody claiming to know your boss is to say, "If you know $Boss, then you know how busy he is. He'll only break away to take your call if I can give him your name, company, and reason for calling."

You can also get rid of a lot of sales calls by telling them that "The policy of Company X is to handle all purchasing through our procurement office. If you have materials you want us to look at, here's their mailing address." *click*
posted by contessa at 10:44 AM on August 20, 2008 [8 favorites]

I'm a receptionist, and this is part of my job, too. I usually just stick to repeating, "He's not available right now, but I'd be happy to take a message." They can try to weasel around that all they want, but the fact is that legitimate callers will leave a message -- telemarketers typically won't.

Of course, since they don't usually have a number to leave, they will say that they'll call back. I usually just let them. (I see it as part of my job to be the buffer there, and there is little you can do to stop such calls completely.) So I keep repeating my same line and eventually they seem to give up.

Good luck!
posted by dryad at 10:45 AM on August 20, 2008 [3 favorites]

Yeah.. the secret is that your boss is permanently busy. Unless and until you either a) know the person calling, or b) they will provide their name, company, and callback number, nobody gets through. Period.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:47 AM on August 20, 2008

You could also ask your boss for a whitelist of people (this might include some salespeople) he does know and would want you to put through immediately.
posted by mikepop at 10:49 AM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

I assume that these are not necessarily "cold calls" but rather sales calls from vendors that your boss has worked with before. I assume this because I get this sort of call all the damn time, and I find them annoying as well. I don't think the Do Not Call list applies in this situation.

I think that if I were in your boss's shoes, I would authorize you to deal with vendor salesmen directly. Nthing that your boss is always busy.

My script for vendors goes something like this, "I'm sorry, but we are not interested in talking with you at this time. Feel free to send along any catalogues that you'd like. If we are in need of your services, we will contact you. Would you like to leave a contact number? Thank you."
posted by muddgirl at 10:50 AM on August 20, 2008

you: "what is this regarding?"
them: "never mind, I'll call back later."
you: "if you call back later, you'll still get me. I will not pass the call on to my boss without knowing who you are and why you are calling. Please don't waste my time and your own."
them: "I'm a friend of your boss."
you: "then please call him on his personal line, not his work line."
them: "can you give me that number?"
you: "you've got to be kidding."

Part of the reason you've got the job you do is to screen out people like this. Yes, they're scumbags, and some of them are pretty wily about circumventing people like you, so take pride in doing exactly what your boss needs you to do.
posted by adamrice at 10:58 AM on August 20, 2008 [3 favorites]

"He's very busy, but he's very deliberate about returning calls in a timely manner, can I take your name, company & number?"

If they say they'll call back, repeat the above.

If they provide their info, and it's someone you don't recognize at first, but realize should be passed through once they give their contact info, you can say "Oh, wait, he just got off the other line, I'll put you through"
posted by Good Brain at 11:02 AM on August 20, 2008

I've been doing call screening as a broker's assistant for a year. The trick for me is that anybody who needs to speak to my boss has his cell phone #. As such, I assume that anybody who calls one of our sales lines asking to speak to him is a solicitor, as he would have given his direct # to anybody who legitimately needed to reach him. This is a great system to have for the phone screeners as it renders your system impervious to bullshitters who will claim, "Oh he just called me and I'm returning the call" or something to that effect. You may want to discuss setting this up with your boss as it makes your job a lot easier. People who call my office and try to weasel their way into getting my boss on the line get absolutely nowhere, because I know that if they're calling the lines I'm responsible for they got it from our website.

Some of my canned responses:

Q: Is XXX available?
A: XXX is currently unavailable, is there something I can assist you with or should I take a message?

Q: Can you transfer me to his voicemail (give me his cell/e-mail, etc)?
A: I can certainly take a message.

Q: When is a good time to reach him?
A: You're welcome to try any time. (Of course the next time they call they'll get the exact same thing and will probably be discouraged from attempting further)

Q: I know XXX and I know he'll want to take this call, can you put me through to him?
A: You can contact him at his direct line. If you don't have it, I can take a message. (see #2)

The trick is: don't be afraid to repeat yourself. These people will frequently try to ask you the same question in multiple ways, as though they just need to find the magic key phrase that will unlock your idiot door. It works best if you can memorize and repeat the exact wording of the phrases you use. Nothing sends a clearer message than getting the exact same response to the same question asked in different ways- you're clearly telling them, politely, that you know their game and that it isn't going to work. I've got this down to a science- I can repeat something I just said so exactly that it probably sounds like a soundboard, right down to tone and inflection. When I have to pull that trick out, you can almost hear the other person deflating.

I've also said that 9 times out of 10, when someone says, "Alright, I'll just call back later," they don't. Even if they do, I know that they're going to get the exact same response, which should discourage them from trying again.
posted by baphomet at 11:08 AM on August 20, 2008

Is the number they're calling on the national Do Not Call registry? If not, sign up for it now. It's free.

This might take care of some calls, but if this is some kind of engineer associated with some aspect of the construction industry, it won't kill all of them. When I used to answer phones, we'd get cold calls all the time from product vendors picking our name up off of building plans or signs at the jobsite. If you had a masonry building going up somewhere, you could rest assured you'd get a call from an anti-graffiti coating guy.
posted by LionIndex at 11:11 AM on August 20, 2008

The DNC is not applicable here, it only applies to personal phone numbers. From their FAQ: "Can I register my business phone number or a fax number? The National Do Not Call Registry is only for personal phone numbers. Business-to-business calls and faxes are not covered by the National Do Not Call Registry."
posted by neustile at 11:16 AM on August 20, 2008

Also, your boss may not appreciate this as much as mine does, but if somebody is obviously calling on a sales call (IE the first thing they ask is, "can I be transfered to the person in charge of your web site marketing?") I fuck with them. Really, really hard.

For example, I'll listen to their scripted sales pitch, and then ask them if they like bunnies.
Me: That sounds really cool, do you like bunnies?
Them: What?
M: You know, like rabbits.
T: Um, yeah...
M: Well my boss keeps one in a cage in his office, and if we spend too much time talking to telemarketers he's going to set it on fire. The last time...oh god, the screams...haunt my nightmares...NOJIMNOIGOTTAGO *click*

M: *whispering* I can't talk right now, there's a tiger loose in my office and it's going to find me...sensitive hearing you know...*click*

T: Is this the person in charge of your website marketing?
M: Why yes, it is. [actually I'm not]
T: Great! *launches into long spiel*
M: Wait just a moment there, is this one of those things you need a computer for?
T: [confused] Yes?
M: Oh, we don't have any of those things yet. We're going to get some next month I think, but in the mean time I can take your name and number down on my clipboard.

...and so on. Use your imagination. It works best if you can trick them into thinking they're actually getting somewhere for a change, then crush their hopes under a devastating wave of ridicule. It gets me through the days.
posted by baphomet at 11:19 AM on August 20, 2008 [6 favorites]

Our office has a fake person to whom we redirect these calls.

Calls that come in asking to talk to the boss are quickly screened, telemarketers are told that "Tom Black" is responsible for those decisions and are forwarded to "his" voicemail where "Tom's" message is along the lines of "make your pitch, if we're interested we'll get back to you."

Once every week or so, someone listens to the messages, to make sure that calls haven't been misdirected, and to see if anything is worth calling back about.
posted by Chuckles McLaughy du Haha, the depressed clown at 11:40 AM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

"... Business-to-business calls and faxes are not covered by the National Do Not Call Registry."

Fair enough, but how would the NDNCR know if the OP's line is used for business, faxes, DSL, personal or whatever?
posted by JimN2TAW at 1:02 PM on August 20, 2008

T: Is this the person in charge of your website marketing?
M: Why yes, it is. [actually I'm not]
T: Great! *launches into long spiel*
M: Wait just a moment there, is this one of those things you need a computer for?
T: [confused] Yes?
M: Oh, we don't have any of those things yet. We're going to get some next month I think, but in the mean time I can take your name and number down on my clipboard.

Back when one used to get calls every fifteen minutes asking one to change one's long distance provider, my mother-in-law's canned response was "I'm sorry but I don't have a phone."
posted by Rock Steady at 1:27 PM on August 20, 2008 [3 favorites]

I just don't know what to say to them to get them to understand that we don't want their calls and being sneaky about it telling me that they know him is retarded.

To refer to unwanted phone calls as "retarded" is not only offensive but also very unprofessional.

I used to work in a very small office where we regularly received unsolicited calls (usually from investment brokers) for my boss, none of whom he cared to speak to. After a while I was able to immediately identify such calls because they either referred to my boss by his full name (which appeared on all his documents and records, but which he didn't use professionally), or because of the background noise of other such callers, indicating that it was a "boiler room" call.

If you suspect that you're speaking to such a person, simply ask "what is the nature of your business with Mr. X?" If they reply "It's personal," then you respond with "I'm his personal assistant and he requires me to screen all of his telephone calls." If it's a legitimate call, they'll gladly state their name, corporate affiliation and the purpose of their call.
posted by Oriole Adams at 2:13 PM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

Rock Steady--I used to use the "I don't have a phone" line on people selling long-distance service. That usually got rid of them quickly. But eventually I met my match in an operator who had an answer even for that and kept rolling smoothly along.
posted by adamrice at 3:07 PM on August 20, 2008

My favorite with people known to be telemarketers was to ask them to hold, then just ignore them indefinitely. If they call back and complain, apologize, and ask them to hold. Rinse and repeat.
posted by schyler523 at 3:38 PM on August 20, 2008

The bunnies thing upthread made me laugh out loud. Still, I can't get behind actually messing with telemarketers for a couple of reasons.

I have no idea who they are or why they need that sale, so I really have no right to decide that they deserve to be messed with for being in the unfortunate position of working as a telemarketer. Maybe they're living paycheck-to-paycheck like a lot of other people in this crap economy. Getting between another human being and the food they're trying honestly to put on their table doesn't strike me as particularly cool.

Secondly, these callers know nothing about me either, so they have nothing with which to craft a Terwilliger-specific insult that would merit a thoughtful response such as "Appointments to kiss my ass can be made with the receptionist in the lobby" or my personal favorite "yuor MAMA."
posted by Flipping_Hades_Terwilliger at 4:34 PM on August 20, 2008 [1 favorite]

as someone who makes these kind of calls all the time, i read the above responses with interest. i would never claim to 'know' someone i was cold calling, or 'just returning their call', but i have, and will again in the future, call offices like yours and try to talk to the boss. i think those methods are kinda ballsy, and probably backfire more then not. i generally think that people who bullshit salespeople like chuckles or baphomet described are total assholes, but i suppose if i had salespeople using such methods, i'd be pretty pissed at them.

that said, often, it's just a sheer numbers game for me. i can make 100-200 calls like this per day. i'll end up calling your office 8 or 10 times. i usually keep notes, so anything out of the ordinary that you say will usually be remembered. sometimes it takes 10 calls, sometimes 1000, but usually hundreds.

i know what your job is, and though i might get frustrated from time to time, it's because you are doing your job. part of my job involves circumventing your job, but ultimately, i want to make the sale with the principal. in my experience, the best way to do this is to call. a lot.

one day, you'll be off, and some temp who doesn't know what's going on, or maybe you'll be at lunch, or maybe you'll be in the bathroom because that tab of x you took last night didn't mix with your morning ritual of wellbutrin and starbucks. yr boss gets annoyed, picks up the phone, and it's showtime.

meanwhile, stop reading askmi and answer the phone. it's me, and i wan to talk to your boss.
posted by lester at 5:37 PM on August 20, 2008

If you liked the bunnies thing upthread, you will die laughing at this one:

The Telecrapper 2000

An oldie but a goodie.

genniangel0, there's lots of great advice here, don't latch onto the one mildly negative thing. baphomet's response in particular looks great.
posted by intermod at 8:13 PM on August 20, 2008

Since none of us have suggestions for stopping the calls, your job is to get rid of them with the least disruption and time as possible.

I find that a clear but firm "We're happy with our current XXXX, but thank you for calling." works well. Fill in XXXX with bank/phone service/web hoster/etc.

Ditto on you might need to say it two or three times before they believe you.

Sometimes if they're insistent I say "I'm sorry, but good luck" as well. It let's them know you're done with them while also acknowledging where they're coming from. And it's very final.

I'd caution against any pattern of rudeness or hostility. Especially in your initial "may I ask what you're calling about?" Not only might the caller be legit, but having rudeness heard regularly by others in the office doesn't add to this-is-a-good-place-to-work vibe.
posted by quinoa at 6:51 PM on August 21, 2008

This is the key:

you: "what is this regarding?"
them: "never mind, I'll call back later."
you: "if you call back later, you'll still get me.
posted by mediareport at 5:53 AM on August 23, 2008