Flirting Machine

August 14, 2008 1:53 PM

Should I worry about flirting too much?

I'm a relentless flirt. I really like meeting new girls, flirting with them, etc. but have no interest in having any kind of serious relationship at this point in my life (I'm 26 and male.. most of these girls are in a similar age bracket, FWIW).

I'll go on a date every now and again, but I'm always clear with them that I'm not looking for anything serious. I had a conversation with my roommate the other day, and he said that he thought I flirt too much because I have no intention of having any serious relationship with any of these girls and that I shouldn't lead them on.

I tend to think it doesn't really matter; any time I wind up going on a date or hanging out with a girl one-on-one I make a point to let them know I don't want anything serious. Besides, it seems lame to assume that every girl who flirts back or shows any interest would be crushed that I don't want her to be my girlfriend.

I should also note that one reason I don't want a relationship right now is so I can learn to be more social and get better at meeting people I don't know. I had a lot of social anxieties in the past and I'm really working hard to overcome them, but I'll also admit that part of the reason I flirt so much is because I like the attention. I don't really feel like I'm doing anything wrong or being unfair to people but I'd like everybody else's opinion.

So what do you think? Hold back or flirt like a madman?

posted by PFL to human relations (39 comments total)

my husband and I are both incorrigible flirts of the first order. it was one of the first things I found attractive about him when we met. (and we are both still highly flirty now that we are married--ie flirting with other people) flirting is not just a means, it is an end in itself: a fun, playful way of socializing and interacting. if you are making it clear to others what your flirting does and does not mean, what's to worry about?

flirting is great fun and I think it's a fantastic way to improve social skills and confidence. (I used to be very shy/anxious myself, but was able to completely move beyond that).

it's not wrong, it's not unfair. you cannot prevent someone from misconstruing your actions, but you can be honest and open yourself, which you've said you are. enjoy!
posted by supermedusa at 2:09 PM on August 14, 2008

Unless you're using flirting as some sort of game where you can trick the other person into being attracted to you, which it doesn't sound like you do, you're not really responsible for other people falling in love with you. Continue to be mature and up front in all your relationships, and go charm some people.
posted by Phalene at 2:10 PM on August 14, 2008

I say flirt all you want, but skip the dates. To me a date implies "I want to get to know you better" regardless of how clearly you give your speech about not wanting anything serious. I mean really, what is your reason for going on these dates? Just to have a pre-confirmed flirtation partner for the evening? I'm sure you could get just as much of an ego boost at the bar without a date.

Also, "I don't want anything serious" implies "I just want to make out" to a lot of people, and it's not clear whether you even want that. So be careful what you're asking for.

If you really just want to flirt like mad, admit readily to anyone you're flirting with that you're an incorrigible flirt. The line can be part of your flirting. Make it adorable. But don't collect numbers or make dates with girls you already know you're not interested in.
posted by vytae at 2:11 PM on August 14, 2008 [3 favorites]

I agree with vytae that there's a substantial difference between flirting and casual dating, and your post seems to conflate them. Basically, the more interest you show in someone else, the greater the likelihood that they may misconstrue, and the greater responsibility you bear for being alert to that and cautioning them as appropriate.

I agree with supermedusa that flirting adds value to the world. But she says: "if you are making it clear to others what your flirting does and does not mean, what's to worry about?" The problem is that part of the enjoyment derived from flirting has to do with its ambiguity and the tantalizing possibilities that ambiguity playfully suggests. If you doubt this, try saying, "I am about to flirt meaninglessly with you," and see if works out the same.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 2:18 PM on August 14, 2008

I love casual dating and I hate it... because sometimes I really do want to get to know someone better, but the chances of my wanting to be serious with most people I come across is pretty low (regardless of what they think about me). I just want to be considerate of other people's feelings while having as much fun with it as I can.
posted by PFL at 2:20 PM on August 14, 2008

Any communication depends both on the transmitter (in this case, you as flirter) and the receiver (your hapless/lucky victims/companions). Just be aware that there's no one way to answer this. Some people will think you mean more than you do; be sensitive to that, pay attention to them so you can notice what they're "hearing". Then you should have a graceful way to communicate more precisely.

Also, be aware that if/when you actually _do_ want a more real relationship with someone, you're going to have to be pretty clear with that person so she'll know you're not "just" flirting.

When I started college, I had very little clue, and flirtatious boys really really confused me. Flirting can be fun and nice, really, but please do be 110% aware that different people will "read" you differently.
posted by amtho at 2:25 PM on August 14, 2008

I don't see any moral wrong to it, no, especially since you are clear that you aren't looking for anything serious. I would caution a bit regarding the fact that you like the attention---if you over do it, others may sense this fact and grow weary of your company.

Since you do mention working on becoming more socially comfortable, you may want to consider how all the flirting fits in with that. I know a great many people who flirt because it is easier or it's "what they know" when it comes to being around people. Maybe take the occasional break from the flirty flirts to see how you fare? Exploring other ways of relating to people will probably help you with your social goals.
posted by lacedback at 2:32 PM on August 14, 2008

I have a friend of mine that is adamantly opposed to getting into anything serious with women. He's a serial dater, like you.

His break-ups are epic. He constantly finds himself in these confused, emotionally electrified throwdowns with his girlfriends. Part of the reason is the women he chooses, obviously, and part of the reason is Dan himself. But I think another part of the reason is that, for whatever reason, despite his attempts to be perfectly clear with them, the message simply never gets through.

As soon as he starts dating someone, I want to pull them aside and give them the "You Shall Not Pass" speech. It would go something like this:

"Look, I see that you like Dan, and you're having a good time and all, but I want to tell you something...

"Dan will never lie to you. Dan will never lead you on. And Dan will never change or grow from the person he is right now.

"When he says he's not interested in a relationship, that doesn't mean anything other than what it means. He is telling you the truth. If you like the way things are right now, you can keep doing this forever. But if you want something more, know this -- you shall not pass.

And then I'd bang my staff on the floor and flames would shoot out and stuff.

I don't know where that message gets lost in Dan's conversations with these women, whether it's Dan doing it, or whether they're deluding themselves. But the end result is nearly always the same -- they think there's going to be something more to the relationship, and when they're confronted with the reality of You Shall Not Pass, they are left confused, frustrated, livid, indignant, weepy, broken, violent ... name the emotion, I've seen it in explosive action.

I'm surprised a rabbit hasn't ended up in a pot of boiling water.

So, should you worry? Yes, you should. You should worry that your message is getting through, and take steps to ensure that it does, and that it's being taken to heart.

Or else you end up like Dan, wondering, "What the hell is happening? Why are these women so crazy? Is it them? Is it me? WTF?"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:40 PM on August 14, 2008 [13 favorites]

I'd try to remember the difference between flirting and woo-ing. If a girl thinks you're woo-ing her, and you follow up with dates, yeah she's going to be hurt if it wasn't about her at all but just about you getting a kick out of the act of flirting. I.e. she thinks you're telling her you think she's special, and invests in a date with you, getting excited about the idea of a potential spark, etc and then suddenly you're telling her "it's not you, I like to flirt with EVERYONE!" she's going to get her feelings hurt.

It's another thing entirely if she already knows you flirt with everyone, and aren't singling her out for your attentions.
posted by np312 at 2:41 PM on August 14, 2008

Flirting without any sexual or romantic intent is fine in my book, so long as you're not excessive with arm touching and eye gazing and so on.

If you want to get to know people better without sexual or romantic intent, invite them to group activities rather than going on dates with them.

If, however, you want to sleep with someone, going on a date but being clear about your intentions is just fine.

However, you are apparently in the US and I am not, so YMMV!
posted by emilyw at 2:44 PM on August 14, 2008

Dude, is your roommate single?

If you're out with your single, guy friends and you're flirting with girls that you have no interest in dating, then you are cock-blocking your (single and male) friends.

I have a friend like you. Let's call him John. He flirts/hits on just about every good-looking girl. It doesn't matter if she's got a boyfriend, and that boyfriend is John's friend, or if one of John's friends is interested in her, John spits game. This is annoying. Oh, and I forgot to mention that John doesn't date any of these girls. This is even more annoying for his single friends who are out there 'trying.'

A few of his friends have expressed disapproval of his ways to me. They don't appreciate him hitting on every girl because this limits the amount of "fish in their ponds." I'm a vegetarian, so that doesn't make sense to me.

I'm not saying that your flirting is not a good thing, because it is. Flirt away. But try to tone it down when you're out with your single friends.

If you don't hang out with single friends, then please disregard this answer.
posted by trueluk at 2:53 PM on August 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

I don't know where that message gets lost in Dan's conversations with these women, whether it's Dan doing it, or whether they're deluding themselves.

*ding*

Many a moment of truth there. I'm a fairly forthright guy (read: Brutally honest). No matter how clear I made the "honestly, I'm not interested in a relationship" there were always times (regularly) that this blew up in my face, in my flirting and dating days. I have had very, very similar expierences - even without the Fedora.

My only conclusion - and this was what seemed to fit rather than a declaration of psychological insight - was that it is impossible to accurately convey something from person a (me/Dan) who says exactly and precisely what they mean (and in my case went to great pains to be clear) and person b (girls/women) who naturally look for meaning in sentences rather than seeing it as a simple declaration of the complete truth.

Flirt. Go crazy. Make sure you make your feelings clear, and really you have nothing to worry about. Dating people is not leading them on at all. That's horse crap. Sleeping with someone THEN telling them you don't want a relationship IS leading them on. Getting too lovey dovey (declarations and the like) is leading someone on. Going on a date just means "let's see if we want the same thing" not "let's try for a relationship". Any advice telling you not to date is wrong. 100%. You just have to be honest and open with the person.

How on earth are you supposed to meet people and have casual flings (perfectly acceptable liasons in most people's books at least at some stage in their life) if you don't go on dates? What on earth is wrong with going on a date with someone and saying "I like you, but I don't want a relationship". If the person says "well, I do want one" then it's game over before anyone gets hurt. If they say "That's cool, let's make like bunnies anyway" then everyone's happy.

Any person that builds up relationship hopes from one date is the one that has the issue, not you. They are the way you establish compatibility (for whatever either of you may have in mind), not a declaration of intent to have a relationship.
posted by Brockles at 2:56 PM on August 14, 2008 [2 favorites]

I'm in the U.S., and emilyw is spot on.
posted by pitseleh at 2:58 PM on August 14, 2008

Great responses so far, people.

And trueluk, I have a friend like that. Trust me when I say I am not that guy.
posted by PFL at 3:00 PM on August 14, 2008

And, to clarify, I tend to think like Brockles, if that helps.
posted by PFL at 3:02 PM on August 14, 2008

I don't think enunciating "I'm not interested" will be interpreted literally while flirting by most people. Depending on how interested they are, they'll focus on the elements that bode well for their hopes or lack thereof. Ultimately, it's a judgement call case by case, but I'd be careful.

I'd also be concerned with the gratification this gives you. Defining your self worth in terms of sexual attractiveness (and I don't just mean physically) is not a particularly meaningful way to live, and will eventually (should you live long enough) prove deeply unsatisfying. You know how it's a little weird to see an old woman wearing makeup, or an old man wearing tight jeans and a leather jacket to compliment his slicked back hair - how did they end up that way?
posted by phrontist at 3:06 PM on August 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

I think the primary purpose of a date, almost by definition, is to figure out if you want to be more than friends -- you could be looking for a casual fling, something physical, and/or a serious relationship. But if you're not looking for any of those things, I'd say going on a date is leading a woman on. If you're going out with someone as a friend, and you're also a big flirt, I think you need to make it clear that you're not on a date.
posted by pitseleh at 3:09 PM on August 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Flirting is harmless? It depends on how good-looking you are.

If you are good-looking the girl is always going to be primed for something more.

Tread carefully if you are good-looking, my son.
posted by Zambrano at 3:09 PM on August 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

I've known people, both men and women, who seemed to communicate with the world almost exclusively through flirting. I'd welcome their attention at first, but once I caught on that they flirted with everyone, it cheapened the message a bit and I started to take them less seriously. It feels kind of like having a casual conversation with a salesperson - you can't always figure out when they're being sincere and when they're trying to close the deal. Maybe that's just me, or maybe it's a common observation - I don't know.

Casual dating, no problem with that, you're fine. And flirting can be lots of fun. But if you're flirting with every girl you see at a bar, all your friends' female friends, your coworkers, every female barista behind the Starbucks counter at 8:30, the mail carrier, the UPS lady, and the paper boy, it might be a good idea to hold back a bit. And if you want to be platonic friends with any of these women down the road, it'd be a good idea to establish a rapport that isn't based on flirting.
posted by Metroid Baby at 3:25 PM on August 14, 2008 [2 favorites]

You might want to dial it down a little. One day you are gonna meet someone you really really like and she is just going to think you are a flirt and disregard you.

As a female, back in my single days guys like you were darn annoying.
posted by konolia at 3:34 PM on August 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

Not as many people will "fall for you", so to speak, if your reputation begins to precede you (assuming it doesn't already.) You could get a reputation for being an incorrigible but harmless flirt.

But people could also interpret your "I'm not looking for anything serious" as meaning you just want to fool around and be fuck buddies, you'll get a reputation for being a sleazeball.

Some people will still have their feelings hurt in both situations, including you if you ever want to get more serious with someone who either a) doesn't take your sincere attempts at wooing seriously or b) is turned-off by your reputation as a player. So, basically, there's nothing wrong with being excessively flirty but you're not doing yourself or anyone else any favors in the long run.

You can always tone it down without cutting it out entirely - going on dates and being upfront about your intentions, but not flirting with every pretty girl you see. Or being generally charming to everyone you meet and not just aforementioned pretty girls.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 3:47 PM on August 14, 2008

I don't know. It makes me a little uncomfortable that you think you can say one thing and do something different and expect someone to understand that you mean what you say not what you do. I mean, isn't that what playing hard to get looks like?

When there are conflicting messages, it's not unreasonable to look at which message takes more effort to convey. A simple statement ("I'm not looking for something serious") takes, what, two calories and no thought? But charming lines, and asking for a phone number, picking a restaurant, and all that ... way more effort, thought, care. Thus it makes a much bigger impression. Which means more to you, someone saying, "I'm sorry" or someone showing up at your house and cooking a big meal and taking your dog for a walk in the rain, but never once saying s/he's sorry?

Actions really can speak louder than words, so I think that you're not off the hook just by dropping the small print over dinner.
posted by Capri at 4:02 PM on August 14, 2008 [14 favorites]

Not as many people will "fall for you", so to speak, if your reputation begins to precede you (assuming it doesn't already.)

Oddly, I found the complete and total reverse of that to be true.

It makes me a little uncomfortable that you think you can say one thing and do something different and expect someone to understand that you mean what you say not what you do.

Are they saying that? Or are you adding your own interpretation of the actions? Going on a date means different things to different people. The OP seems (and I may also be transferring here) to be saying "no matter what I say, a percentage of women I go for drinks/meal with ignore my saying that I don't want anything serious and assume I do". That isn't the same as being duplicitous, as you seem to be implying, it is just that different people communicate different ways.

In my experience, it didn't matter how many times I said it, nor how bluntly, some women just filtered that bit of information out and ignored it because they wanted something different. There comes a point when you (the OP) need to stop feeling responsible for the other parties misinterpretations. If you can look yourself in the eye and be sure you said what was needed to make your point clear, and just accept that it isn't always going to be taken at face value by some.

Actions really can speak louder than words, so I think that you're not off the hook just by dropping the small print over dinner.

Therein lies the problem. Some people always interpret rather than listen. To my mindset (male engineer type) that isn't at all logical and was the source of major exasperation to me for being unable to get my point across without pissing people off. OP: Some people will always interpret, no matter what you say. You'll just have to deal with it. It doesn't mean you have to change.
posted by Brockles at 4:45 PM on August 14, 2008

Brockles: I don't mean to suggest that the OP's being duplicitous. I just mean that when he makes the effort to take a woman out his actions suggest that he's interested in more than what his words say he is interested in. I think that you're right that some people always "interpret," but not that they do this "rather than listen." This is a form of listening. It's being attentive to the whole of the message, not just one small part. Again, look at the example I gave of someone making dinner and walking the dog, but never saying sorry. Definitely not being duplicitous by not saying sorry -- just letting his/her actions speak. The person who only listens to the words and hears that no apology was given is missing the point.

You state that you're a male engineer type, and find interpreting (or whole-message listening) to be illogical. Fine. But the OP's audience isn't male engineers. It's women that he's flirting with. So your standards aren't the appropriate standards to apply in determining whether OP's behavior is acceptable. (No offense.)

I should state that I am an incorrigible flirt too, and that I personally like being flirted with, even (no, especially) by men who have no interest in a relationship. So this isn't a tirade against flirty men. But he's not asking how I feel -- he's asking how women feel in general, and I think that some women will look more closely at what he does than they listen to what he says, and that that's not outside of the norm. Indeed, I think that's what makes a person sympatico -- the ability to read between the lines and understand what a person is saying even when he is not explicit.

OP: There's not a lot of advice here, other than a suggestion to be aware that many people attend to more than your words, and look also to the manner in which they're spoken, the gestures, the actions, and the surroundings, in order to figure out what they mean. Perhaps there is some middle ground between holding back and flirting like a madman that allows you to be flirty and funny and happy, without making people uncomfortable. I guess I am suggesting that tacking on small print isn't that middle ground. But without knowing how women react to you (which you don't mention) I can't tell you what it might be.

(It astonishes me that your male friend raised this with you. What on earth is making him concerned??)
posted by Capri at 5:13 PM on August 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

(It astonishes me that your male friend raised this with you. What on earth is making him concerned??)

It doesn't seem so strange to me. This is entirely hypothetical, because I don't know the OP's situation, but I could see the topic being brought up in the following situations:

-flirt is flirting with mutual female acquaintances or friends and making platonic hanging out awkward.
-flirt is unknowingly hitting on the friend's crush
-other people are gossiping that the flirt is making them uncomfortable
-friend has different ideas/morals about dating and sees flirt's behavior as inappropriate
-friend is just being a pal and letting the flirt know that he is being too pushy or something
-friend is concerned for women that are being let down
-friend is jealous
-friend is just stating a fact

Anyway, it sounded like the topic came up in a conversation rather than the friend suddenly confronting the OP and saying "You need to stop!!"
posted by Solon and Thanks at 5:34 PM on August 14, 2008

but I'd like everybody else's opinion.

Why?? You don't need others to validate your behaviors. If you want to flirt, then flirt.
posted by 26.2 at 6:22 PM on August 14, 2008

Wow.. this is a great thread. Lots of cool viewpoints to consider.

I actually asked my roommate if he thought I flirted too much, and he said "yeah, I think you do sometimes." His concern is that sometimes I'd flirt with people that I had no intention of being serious with and he didn't really think it was necessary. I don't think he was concerned that I blatantly hit on every new woman we meet (which I don't do), or even that I flirt with everybody; it seemed like he thought I should save it for people I really thought there could be something special with.

Brockles seems to have a pretty similar viewpoint that I do; I do understand that some women are going to take things more seriously than I'd like, but I make an honest effort to be serious and clear when I'm saying I'm at a point in my life where I really don't want a serious girlfriend.

And RE: the dates, it's pretty much always the "hey, let's get coffee sometime" variety than the whole wining and dining thing. I know people will read what they want to into it but I try not to make it seem like I am making a big production. I feel like it's totally valid for me to get to know people better in this setting and not feel like I'm committing to something bigger than that, even if there is some flirting going on.
posted by PFL at 6:26 PM on August 14, 2008

I don't know where that message gets lost in Dan's conversations with these women, whether it's Dan doing it, or whether they're deluding themselves. But the end result is nearly always the same -- they think there's going to be something more to the relationship, and when they're confronted with the reality of You Shall Not Pass, they are left confused, frustrated, livid, indignant, weepy, broken, violent ... name the emotion, I've seen it in explosive action.

It doesn't matter what he says or does. At this point he's apparently pulled this enough times with enough women that word is out on him. Now the women he gets with go into it regarding him as the Ultimate Challenge, thinking/hoping they'll be the one who finally pins him down. The wild emotional reactions are largely about their loss of face with other women, both the women he's already dumped as well as the women waiting for their chance. They realize that they are now one of the "losers", those who have failed at the challenge. And if he's anything like the types like this that I've witnessed, he's probably inadvertently giving these women some kind of subliminal but false hope that they will be The One, and then getting satisfaction out of the resulting drama.
posted by fuse theorem at 7:03 PM on August 14, 2008

I feel like it's totally valid for me to get to know people better in this setting and not feel like I'm committing to something bigger than that, even if there is some flirting going on.

Gosh, PFL, I like getting to know people who like getting to know me -- know what I mean? {Flutters eyelashes.}

Hell, I was never any good at that. But I don't even understand what you're asking any more. You seem to be saying that you flirt the right amount, that no one should be misled by you, and that what you do on dates and whatnot is valid. That sound per se reasonable, or at least free from self-doubt.

Originally, you described yourself as flirting relentlessly, and asked if you should flirt like a madman. It sounded like you were describing a different form of behavior.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 7:29 PM on August 14, 2008

Clyde, I'm just trying to get a sense of where people draw the line between leading people on and not leading people on. I think I've seen enough to realize it's far from a clear-cut issue but I don't think I'm going too far.

Thanks for the input everyone!
posted by PFL at 8:11 PM on August 14, 2008

There's actually a pretty easy test for knowing for sure if your still flirting and not seducing - if you can imagine yourself saying and doing the same things to charm an 80-year old woman or a 6-year old girl, it's just flirting. If you get creeped out, you were seducing.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 9:50 PM on August 14, 2008 [5 favorites]

I don't get flirting. I don't see the point - to me flirting is a form of manipulation, else why would you do it? What's wrong with just being smiley and friendly? If it's just a demand for attention that is all about you, you can't start pouting when people react in a manner that's all about them.

People who charge every interaction with a sexual angle irritate me. But then I'm pretty emotional. What seems like harmless flirting to you can be interpreted as a whole lot more, what people say and what they do are very different things, we don't have a complex enough language to mitigate the way in which flirting can arouse emotional response - saying 'I'm not interested' after you've been signalling 'I am interested' is actually very confusing.

If you don't want to deal with the fallout, don't stoke the fire.
posted by freya_lamb at 2:11 AM on August 15, 2008

I'm just trying to get a sense of where people draw the line between leading people on and not leading people on.

This isn't a moral question. It is a karmic one--like every other action a person takes, you'll find that if you continue to do this, there will be karmic responses, some you like, some you don't.

The answer is--some of these people will take it more seriously than you intend and you will face some turbulence from them. Some won't and will enjoy it. It depends on the person, where they are at that time and a million other things. You won't really know ahead of time what will happen.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:13 AM on August 15, 2008

I too was often left puzzled on the hows and whys of the male female communication breakdown.

One fine day all was made clear to me by a young lady who explained to me that women in general think that if they can change themselves, or do something differently, your intentions may change. In my case, I found the revelation more true then not.
posted by CoinOp at 6:31 AM on August 15, 2008

Websters says flirting is "to behave amorously without serious intent". In other words, to communicate one thing while meaning another. Not to say it's right or wrong, but you need to understand what it is you're doing. If I tell you I hate you 10 times over the course of a day and interject that I like you once or twice, what are you going to believe? Now some people have enough social experience or are jaded enough (not necessarily a bad thing) that they have the proper filters in place to deal with this unbalanced communication. However, others may not and I don't believe the majority of responsibility lies with them. Obviously people will have their own issues that contribute to their misinterpretation, but I firmly believe, and I know I'll take some flak for this, that the communicator is responsible for what is communicated. The burden is on you to make sure what they're hearing is what you're really saying and that may take some actual effort on your part. Good communication takes work.

In the end I think it boils down to this. Flirting is, in it's essence, communicating with mixed messages. A woman's ability to interpret it doesn't just depend on their emotional stability or lack of their own issues. They have to somehow assign the proper amount of weight to each of the things you communicate. How are they to know if "I don't want a relationship" carries more weight than the "amorous intent" you have been communicating for the last hour and a half or if it's just another line to maintain the sexual tension.
posted by jluce50 at 8:57 AM on August 15, 2008

I've known people, both men and women, who seemed to communicate with the world almost exclusively through flirting. I'd welcome their attention at first, but once I caught on that they flirted with everyone, it cheapened the message a bit and I started to take them less seriously. It feels kind of like having a casual conversation with a salesperson - you can't always figure out when they're being sincere and when they're trying to close the deal.

This is exactly how I see constant flirts. I know you like the attention, but it's a little exhausting to have to perform that dance in every interaction with someone. It starts to feel like his flirting is just a means to get reassurance from every warm-blooded woman he meets. The first time you flirt, you seem confident and funny. The fourth time, you seem insecure and a little desperate. If your roommate is watching you interact with women all the time, this might be part of what he sees. Along with learning to overcome your social anxieties, you might think about trying new ways of communicating with people rather than just relying on flirtatious banter. There are more ways to appear confident that just turning on your charm.
posted by gladly at 9:28 AM on August 15, 2008

konolia: You might want to dial it down a little. One day you are gonna meet someone you really really like and she is just going to think you are a flirt and disregard you.

Exactly the opposite. Flirting is a skill, a social skill, like public speaking, leadership, or debating. Skills take practice to develop. Once day you're going to meet someone you really like, and if you don't know how to flirt correctly, you will almost certainly come off needy, insecure, and possibly even creepy, because you aren't used to talking with women you're attracted to, then you won't get the time of day from her.

And *poof* Goodbye, oh Love of My Life!

Solon and thanks: But people could also interpret your "I'm not looking for anything serious" as meaning you just want to fool around and be fuck buddies, you'll get a reputation for being a sleazeball.

Umm... yeah that's exactly what it means. And some women, for example those looking to start a family, will be turned off -- that's a GOOD thing if that's not what you want. But, surprise: plenty of women just want a fuck buddy. Just be open and honest about your intentions, and be prepared to break it off if they start getting emotionally attached and you're not. DO NOT let a girl fall for you if you know you're not gonna fall for her -- dumping somebody who is in love with you sucks almost as much as being dumped.

The "sleazeball", IMO, is the guy who holds out promises of a serious relationship to get into a girl's pants. As long as you both want the same thing, whether that's a long-term romance or a short-term fling, you're fine.
posted by LordSludge at 10:36 AM on August 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Websters says flirting is "to behave amorously without serious intent". In other words, to communicate one thing while meaning another. posted by jluce50 at 8:57 AM on August 15 [+] [!]

Wrong; or so incomplete as to be virtually wrong. Surely you don't define human behavior according to what's in some book. The gist of "flirting," and what I've found in dictionaries, is behaving toward the other person so as to indicate a heightened interest.
posted by JimN2TAW at 4:06 PM on August 15, 2008

Wrong; or so incomplete as to be virtually wrong. Surely you don't define human behavior according to what's in some book. The gist of "flirting," and what I've found in dictionaries, is behaving toward the other person so as to indicate a heightened interest.

I don't think either of you is wrong. To my understanding, one of the defining features of flirting is that it's playful, and not an unambiguous display of heightened interest -- which is why it is lower risk for the flirter, and often confusing for the flirtee. Very often it does lack serious intent. This aspect is not at all captured by "behaving toward the other person so as to indicate a heightened interest."

The key question, anyway, is what the OP meant when he was describing the behavior in which he engages. As to defining human behavior according to what's in some book, it's at least useful in trying to understand what someone is saying, and what others are reacting to.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 5:14 PM on August 15, 2008