Help me salvage the best relationship I've had.

August 13, 2008 8:39 PM

How do I fix this vicious, vicious cycle?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost ten months. Started out great, fell in love, etc. Obviously not all buttercups and daisies now, or I wouldn't be asking this question.

So. Neither of us is in a particularly good spot, mentally. He is clinically depressed and on meds; I have some anxiety and sexual abuse issues I'm working out in therapy. We both enrolled in summer classes this summer; I am finished, he is still swamped. We're both working two jobs, but his work is a lot more full-time than mine.

The aforementioned sexual abuse issues have only recently come to the surface-- I didn't realize how bad the situation (which did NOT occur with my current boyfriend) was until almost a year after the fact. That realization occurred relatively recently. I told my boyfriend, and as of today, he's the only one beside my therapist who knows the whole story. Needless to say, this has me feeling rather emotionally vulnerable with him. When I get like that, which is rarely, I end up craving physical closeness-- the hugs, the holding, the back rubbing, the works. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has totally withdrawn due to the stress and depression. He has also lost his sex drive for the same reasons, which, intellectually, make sense, but since I'm a girl I cannot help but think it's partially my fault. So, we have this cycle. I need him to pet me and tell me everything's going to be okay, and this closeness makes him withdraw even more, which upsets me and makes me crave even more closeness. And so on.

I guess my question is simple. How do I fix this? I have considered removing myself from his presence for a while, but we enjoy spending time together as long as I don't want to touch him. We cook dinner together almost every night, and it's nice, until I want to cuddle on the couch and he wants to retreat to his room to do Important Things.

Am I a terrible person for wanting to be slightly more important to him than I seem to be? I don't expect him to throw away his education for me. I would kill him if he did so. What's the solution to this seemingly solution-less problem?

posted by anonymous to human relations (15 comments total)

I think you should give him some space. Try to communicate a little more, but don't pressure him. But speaking from personal experience, it sounds like you are spending a lot of time together. Especially if he hasn't been in such a serious/close relationship before, he's probably not quite used to the closeness. Nothing's going to happen if you give him more space; in fact, things will probably be a little better because he won't feel smothered. Remember that it's not necessarily whether you ARE smothering him, but whether he feels like it.

Just work on it little by little. Believe me, I know how much that little bit of physical closeness can keep you going. If you have to ask for just a little every so often, do it, but make sure that in exchange you give him what he needs.
posted by Madamina at 8:58 PM on August 13, 2008

I would get something of his that you can hold onto. Shirt, hoodie, something that smells like him. Bonus points if you get to switch it out when the smell goes away for something else.

It's good that you know why he's withdrawing. I don't know if the feeling that it's partly your fault will ever go away, but you'll just have to keep telling yourself that it's not you, it's his current mental state.
posted by theichibun at 8:59 PM on August 13, 2008

"Sex drive" and "cuddling" are two different things. If he avoids cuddling because of a libido issue - then that's maybe a communication issue (since you aren't really into sex right now anyway). Let him know that what you really need from him is physical closeness, and that cuddling, for you, doesn't mean you expect sex. If he's opposed to closeness full stop - well, maybe he's not in the right place to have a relationship right now. At the very least, physical closeness is one of the primary things that distinguishes a boyfriend from a roommate.
posted by moxiedoll at 9:10 PM on August 13, 2008

What you want is reassurance that he still loves you and the way you are asking for it is through physical intimacy. Talk to him and see if he willing to make an effort to make the relationship better as long as he isn't forced to do anything he doesn't want to. If agrees, try This is from Harville Hendrix "Getting the Love You Want"
Each person makes a list with the answers to these questions:
- I feel loved and cared for when you...
- I used to (earlier in the relationship) feel loved and cared for when you...
- Other things that I would like you to do....
Be as specific as possible. Include little things that take a only a few moments. (Especially for you, give him lots of easy options that might reassure you. Maybe flowers for the dinner table or his arm around you watching a favorite TV show once week or nonsexual touching such as a foot massage or a peck on the cheek and "i love you" when he leaves the house.) This may be much harder for your partner than for you but encourage him to think about what makes him feel good. (Knowing that you can do things that make him feel good will also help you feel important to him.)
Combine the the three answers into one list and next to each answer mark how important it is to you (scale of 1 to 5)

Trade lists. Each person makes a X next to anything on your partner's list that you are not willing to do at this time.

Try to do 2-3 things on your partner's list every day. This is a gift - if you do 5 and he does none on a given day that's OK - there is no quid pro quo and you shouldn't be comparing. When your partner does something nice for you, be sure to thank him/her.

If you both do this for 2 months, it will make a big change in your relationship.
posted by metahawk at 9:15 PM on August 13, 2008 [13 favorites has favorites]

If he's really feeling stressed and depressed he might not be able to handle a lot of physical contact. I get that way myself, and I have a husband who craves hugs, and it is frustrating for us both when that happens. Pushing the issue on your part will only make him desparate to push you away, if this is the case. If you can kinda back off and give it time-and it is OKAY to talk about this, btw-he will probably get to the point he can give you what YOU want as well.
posted by konolia at 9:28 PM on August 13, 2008

This guy was me, and he just wants to be left alone for a while.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:45 PM on August 13, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Maybe you should get a cat. (I'm quite serious.)
posted by Class Goat at 10:22 PM on August 13, 2008

You're not a terrible person, and neither is he. You both have different needs right now. I just don't believe relationships should be this difficult. You need a safe place to come home to and he does too. Just try to be there for each other, the best way you know how.
posted by wv kay in ga at 11:15 PM on August 13, 2008

I totally get where you're coming from, but if I were you, I'd look to yourself for the comfort you're seeking for awhile. His distance is not about you, but he can't give you what you need right now.

Am I a terrible person for wanting to be slightly more important to him than I seem to be?

For most of you're question, I totally get what you're saying -- "I want to receive X thing in the physical world but he wants to do Y thing." Here, when you get to the words "important to him," you shifted to "so this is what I imagine it means," and I lose you. If he's withdrawing due to stress and being super-busy, that's not about you at all.
posted by salvia at 11:23 PM on August 13, 2008

I guess my question is simple. How do I fix this?

Time. You laid some heavy stuff on him, and he needs to digest it. This is new to him - give him some time to come to terms with what you told him and come around in his own way. Try not to take it personally - people often shut down physically and emotionally after being shocked.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:26 AM on August 14, 2008

You need to get this sorted with him. You need to talk to him.

When I was much younger, I dated a girl who had been abused. She wanted hugs and attention also & asked for them, but in my mixed up young way I interpreted it as her forcing herself to have a proper relationship despite the fact that she obviously *must* hate any kind of physical contact. By avoiding physical contact (for her own good) I screwed that relationship up royally. We didn't last long at all.

Not saying this is the situation here, but you should maybe consider it as an option.

I think, whatever the circumstances, you're going to have to discuss this with him & come to some kind of a compromise. How you do this depends on the personalities involved and how you work together. But you need to work it out with him.

I personally (and this is something that would work for me & not necessarily you) would frame the issue in terms of all relationships needing a physical component. Sometimes you've (both of you) got to force yourselves to be close even though you may not be in the mood. Sex and cuddling are the bonds that bind. If you love each other but you're not in the mood, you've gotta sometimes do it. I like to call this "taking a bullet for the home team".
posted by seanyboy at 1:02 AM on August 14, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I think that seeing a therapist together would be very helpful. That third person would help you both to see your problem and then evolve with the help of an altogether completely new - outside - point of view.
posted by nicolin at 2:55 AM on August 14, 2008

I wonder how old he is?

Also, I think you really need to seek other ways of taking care of yourself. Your boyfriend cannot be your entire support in this - he couldn't be even if he were more able to give you what you feel you need, and right now he especially can't be. Try to take the energy you're putting into stressing about your bf and turn it towards taking care of yourself, finding what you need to feel comfort. Otherwise I think the pressure on the relationship will be too great, and, more, the knowledge that you CAN take care of yourself will be very helpful. Imagine what you would do if you didn't have a boyfriend. Try that?
posted by Salamandrous at 7:48 AM on August 14, 2008

Class Goat's cat idea isn't a bad one. Having a pet around to cuddle and love can be quite fulfilling and could help take some of the edge off.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:04 AM on August 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

While metahawk's suggestion is really lovely and might be a wonderful approach normally, I'd say maybe this particular period might not be the best time for it. If your boyfriend is fighting depression, swamped with school, and working two jobs (plus, probably also feeling concerned and guilty about you), I bet he's probably just holding on by his fingernails. He may simply be literally unable to provide what you need right now, and adding a list of things that he should spend attention and energy on, however well meant, may just add to that overload of stress and panic and drive him further into self-isolation and despair with the feeling that he simply can't manage to do all the things he must and should do to make everything work.

It sounds like you two are really serious, and it seems like you love him. Regardless of actual marriage plans or possibilities, I'd like to bring up the idea of that kind of commitment in the form of one phrase from traditional marriage vows: "for better or for worse". Right now, for both of you, it's worse - but you have an actual end date when things will be better to some degree: when he is finished with summer classes. In any serious long-term relationship there are times when one or the other must sacrifice on behalf of his or her partner, out of love and/or necessity - and this seems like your time to do that. If I were you, I'd let him have the space he needs now to help him to pull through this demanding period, and spend the time you have on your own treating yourself really well, and perhaps making it a project to learn more about personality types, intimacy issues, and communication techniques like the one metahawk suggested - because you both will need to know this stuff to go forward. You two appear to have nearly opposite coping strategies, so the issues you are having now as a couple are very, very likely to be repeated in the future, and arming yourself with knowledge and developing skills to address those problems will be a sincere act of love and devotion that will benefit both of you.
posted by taz at 11:16 PM on August 14, 2008