Escaping an Addictive Relationship?

August 12, 2008 4:03 PM

I have been in a one and a half year relationship with a man who has cheated on me, lied to me, stole from me and abused me. I KNOW he is no good and while I have tried to leave many times, I always find myself back with him (after sweet-talking and the like).

Part of my problem (and I know this was wrong) is that I had an opportunity to snoop on him (innocent opportunity that later I started to do regularly) and learned that he was not who I thought he was...he had cheated on me just a few months into relationship, but because I found out via snooping I never could out and out tell him why I wanted to break up and we ended up back together...the cycle has continued.

I still, foolishly snoop around and find he has started up again with a new girl every 4-5 months or so, and usually they end within a few weeks of meeting him (he has a very harsh personality) so nothing has lasted very long. In my heart, I know I will never look at him as more than a liar and a cheat, but still I have stayed, over and over gain through the same pain. Yesterday, I learned he had started back up again with another girl and he lied to me once again when I round-about confronted him...I know I must sound pathetic...

I do want to leave, but I 1) feel guilty about snooping; 2) can't seem to stick with my decision to leave him and 3) have little emotional support from family or friends to help me through this (probably why #2 happens)...I thought an annonymous community might offer some ideas, tough talk, etc. to give me a push to do what I have to do? Thoughts? Ideas? Thank you.

posted by anonymous to human relations (46 comments total)

A wise MeFite once told me "Don't throw your pearls before swine." Think about that a bit.
posted by Liosliath at 4:12 PM on August 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

If the problem is that you can't tell him why you want to break up because of how you found out, just know that you don't need any reason other than this isn't working for me any more.

Tell him you're done. Ask him not to contact you. Then, don't take his calls and don't read his e-mails. In fact, set up a filter that auto deletes his e-mail. Maybe consider going out of town for a few weeks if that's what you need to remove yourself from the temptation to go back to him.
posted by willnot at 4:14 PM on August 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

You explained why you want to leave him, but I think you need to start by being honest and state why you're staying with him.
posted by semmi at 4:14 PM on August 12, 2008

around our house we have a saying:
"shame on my dumb ass"
every time he tries the sweet-talking repeat it to yourself until it sinks in.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 4:15 PM on August 12, 2008

Yes. Here's an idea: leave him and don't go back. Don't talk to him, either. Feeling bad about snooping no longer has anything to do with it. Just leave now and if you're ever tempted to cheat in any future relationships, don't. If you're suspicious, consider the fact that you already apparently don't trust your partner, and that in itself is a reason to give pause.
posted by buka at 4:15 PM on August 12, 2008

Break it off quickly, like ripping off a band-aid. Cut all communication. Do not initiate any contact, do not respond to any contact. Tell your friends and family and ask for their support. Get rid of anything that reminds you of him or your former relationship.

Afterwards, start looking for a new hobby or pursing other interests to get your mind off the relationship. Starting to date other people well help a lot too.

Whatever you do, do not keep crawling back. Never. Under any circumstances. It only makes it worse. Trust me.
posted by toaster at 4:19 PM on August 12, 2008

Fess up to the snooping. Sure, it will give him ammunition, but a least you can speak openly about what you've found out. Don't worry about what he thinks about you for snooping! At this stage of the game, it's irrelevant and you'll feel better, stronger, for being honest.
posted by Kerasia at 4:20 PM on August 12, 2008

You need perhaps to find out more about why you can not break up with someone so wrong for you. As for snoop[ing: simply tell him you love someone else.
posted by Postroad at 4:21 PM on August 12, 2008

Tula, is that really necessary?
I've stayed in situations that were not good for me and the only reason I did so is because I did not believe, down in the depths of my heart, that I was enough. Mean good enough, lovable enough. Once you know that you know that you know that you know that you are worth more than this guy, he'll slide out the door like you put Crisco on his ass.

Start with just that: Tell yourself: I am good enough. Good people don't put up with trash like this guy.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 4:21 PM on August 12, 2008 [5 favorites]

That should be "meaning." I'm so ready to leave work I was rushing.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 4:22 PM on August 12, 2008

My advice: don't snoop. It doesn't do you any good. You already know the guy isn't trustworthy, and frankly, no one including you is going to reform him.

Be strong, make a clean break, don't apologize, and start something new.
posted by zippy at 4:23 PM on August 12, 2008

[a few comments removed - be helpful or talke ti to metatalk or MeMail, thank you]
posted by jessamyn at 4:25 PM on August 12, 2008

Willnot, Green Eyed Monster, and Toaster all have it right:

Leave.

Get out of town.

Filter his emails straight to the TRASH.

And if you don't, repeat GEM's mantra. And then you will want to leave.

YOU DESERVE BETTER. Get the heck out of dodge! And forget about the snooping - don't even bother bringing it up. Just leave. Clearly he's not happy being with you (hence the cheating) and you're not happing being with him (because he's cheating) so scrap it, chalk it up to a good learning experience, and roll on out of there.

Good luck!
posted by cachondeo45 at 4:40 PM on August 12, 2008

Just forget about the snooping and feeling guilty about it--you don't even have to worry about it because you never *have* to bring it up. It is ok if your only reason for breaking up is just that you want to break up.

Here's one thing that might help: He can't sweet talk you if you *don't allow contact with him in any way*. I find that sometimes making a plan can be motivating. So, I suggest you make a list of all the ways he can contact you, and then make sure he can't use any of those ways. For example, delete his email address and set up a filter to automatically trash any email from him. Another example: from now on, screen EVERY incoming phone call--you can use your voicemail service for this, and/or check the number of the incoming calls on your cell phone or caller ID on your home phone. If it is him--don't call back, don't pick up. Just don't do it. Find a little bit of joy with every ignored call.

The important thing here is that you break it off, don't allow any further contact, and then be kind to yourself to allow yourself to get over it. Follow toaster's advice above for the getting over it part. YOU CAN DO THIS.
posted by rio at 4:47 PM on August 12, 2008

Also ask yourself: what are you getting out of staying? You wouldn't be staying if it didn't do something for you/give you something, what is that?

Once you identify what it is you're getting out of staying, it'll be easier to see how you could get that same thing in a healthier, jerk-free way once you do leave.
posted by tristeza at 4:47 PM on August 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

Somewhere a truly wonderful person is waiting to find you. Someone amazing and real.
Every day you spend with this miserable man stops you from meeting this person.
posted by Izner Myletze at 4:52 PM on August 12, 2008 [8 favorites]

Sometimes, all you gotta do is sing a little Gloria Gaynor. Belt out "I Will Survive" - honest to god, it has helped many a woman do the right thing.... (sing along, everybody).

First I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to get along
and so you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive (hey hey)

NotJustFoxyBrown is absolutely right. Until you believe that you're better than him (and you are), you will not be able to do this. Believe in yourself, start from scratch, and get a fresh start.
posted by HeyAllie at 4:53 PM on August 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

I don't think it has been mentioned, but you need a support group. Check the nearest woman's shelter...
posted by HuronBob at 5:01 PM on August 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

I have been there, done that. Felt like that. You need to let yourself off the hook.
You just haven't had enough *YET*.
It might be tomorrow or next week. It might be a month from now.

He will say or do that *one last thing* and it will be like a quiet bomb going off in your head. You will know right then and there that it's all over. For right now, just let yourself off the hook.

Begin to detach emotionally from him. Regard him like he's a bug you are about to squash.

I cannot stress this enough, let yourself off the hook. Soon, he'll do that one last thing and that will be it. You've paid your dues here, o.k?
posted by Grlnxtdr at 5:38 PM on August 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

Go watch several episodes of "Cheaters" then download "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" by Paul Simon. Lather, rinse, repeat. Until that man is completely out of your hair. ;-)
posted by konolia at 5:41 PM on August 12, 2008

You need the understanding that you don't deserve this. Once you have that understanding then following the good advice to leave and cut off all contact becomes easy. Until you have that understanding, you'll likely continue to make the same mistake. The first step is saying to yourself 'I don't deserve to be treated like this'. The hard part is learning to believe that. You need to realise and accept something which your background or upbringing hasn't fully sensitised you to - that this is an outrageous and intolerable situation. Continually cheating on a partner is outrageous abuse. 'Snooping' doesn't even begin to come into this, it's not nearly on the same level.

The first step is saying to yourself and understanding that you are being treated abusively and that you don't deserve that. The second step is getting support for that new belief - a counsellor or support group or friend who will confirm that message to you and support you in following it through. The third step is cut all contact - make sure you get away so you don't see or speak to this person. Continue building support for yourself and your new belief that you don't deserve to be treated like this. Presumably there are some positive things in the relationship which have led to you to stay there and take the abuse - but you have to be clear to yourself that these extras do not compensate for the basic betrayal and ill-treatment of repeated infidelity - repeat 'you don't deserve this'.

If you want to get out and stay out of abusive relationships like this and go onto non-abusive relationships- you have to change your basic beliefs about yourself. You need to educate yourself not to accept treatment like this - probably by working with a counsellor.
posted by Flitcraft at 5:43 PM on August 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

How about working with a therapist to work toward leaving him? A therapist can help you work through what may be stopping you and support/challenge you in the right direction. Nobody has to know that you are seeing a therapist, certainly not your partner. Even if you decide not to leave this man, you will gain more insight into your life choices.
posted by rglass at 5:48 PM on August 12, 2008

You say he has abused you. Is this physical or emotional/mental/sexual?

It sounds like he is a batterer and you need to get away from him. Batterers operate in three stages. There's a buildup stage where everything seems "normal" but trouble is brewing up inside him. Next is the explosion stage where the batterer "explodes", with violence or whatever it may be that he does. Finally is the honeymoon stage, where the batterer "sucks up"; he makes promises that "it will never happen again" and makes excuses for his behavior.

He will never change, you need to get away from him before he becomes violent, or if he already is violent, gets worse.
posted by C17H19NO3 at 5:49 PM on August 12, 2008

Leave him. If your friends and family aren't supportive, then maybe you need to leave them too. I am being serious.


In my heart, I know I will never look at him as more than a liar and a cheat, but still I have stayed, over and over gain through the same pain. Yesterday, I learned he had started back up again with another girl and he lied to me once again when I round-about confronted him.

Two things:

#1 - there is no such thing as round-about confronting. You either make yourself CLEAR or you chose not to. The round-about approach is choosing not to be clear - probably out of fear or a lack of self confidence. I'm not judging you, by the way. We've all made that mistake at some point.

#2 - why bother even trying to confront him? You know he is a liar, so why would you expect him to NOT lie to you about it? That's nutty. If you want chocolate ice cream, don't scoop vanilla, right? It is what it is. If you want the truth, don't ask a liar. He is who he is.

Leave him.

After you've left him, come back to this page and zoom in on the text from your question. Make the text huge. Print your question and tape it to your fridge. Don't use magnets. TAPE IT UP. Leave it there, in view, to serve as a reminder that you know better and that you deserve better.

Never forget that you are in control of your life. You chose to be with a bad man. That was a choice you made and continue to make.

Sucks, right? Yeah it does - but here's the good news: those bad choices will all be in the past beginning with the moment you choose better.

Very best of luck to you!!!!!
posted by 2oh1 at 6:29 PM on August 12, 2008

This is a very screwed up situation. It is not normal and it's not healthy. I'm saying that because maybe you don't know. This goes way beyond "how can I confront him without admitting I've been snooping?"

I'm not sure what to tell you, other than that you should find a wise person (relative? social worker? women's shelter? clergy?) to support you as you leave this man and hopefully start to build a healthy life on your own. I'm sorry your family's not being helpful, but there are people out there who can be.
posted by callmejay at 6:48 PM on August 12, 2008

If this was 1991, then you'd be my beautiful, brilliant, beloved older sister. Let me save you the long, bumpy ride to rock bottom. Let me spare your loved ones the heartbreaking ring-side seat to your decline.

1 - Leave him.
2 - Get professional help to understand why you'd allow anyone to treat you this way.

I promise you this. As long as you stay with an abuser it will never get better and you will never be more ready to leave. Every day, you'll trust yourself a little bit less.

You deserve better.

We all deserve better.
posted by 26.2 at 6:51 PM on August 12, 2008 [4 favorites]

No one deserves the shit treatment you've been handed. What he's done to you pales in comparison to the snooping you've done to him, which frankly, he had coming.

You will not and cannot be happy with this person. I'll say it again - it is impossible for you to live a normal, happy life with this person. Everyone deserves a chance to be happy. You've got to admit that you deserve better and choose to give yourself a chance.

You've got two choices: Stay and be mistreated and miserable or leave and have a chance to lead a healthy, happy life. Every day you stay, you're choosing the former. Leave.
posted by cnc at 9:10 PM on August 12, 2008

GET OUT. Leave. Now. Staying with this jackass will only hurt you more and more, and destroy your esteem and confidence in yourself.

It might hurt like hell at first, and you will likely be sorely tempted to return, but I promise you: YOU DESERVE BETTER, and you WILL find someone better. But first you have to get the hell out of there.
posted by davidmsc at 11:15 PM on August 12, 2008

You don't have to tell someone why you are leaving.

You say, I am leaving, because I don't want to be with you any more. If he asks why, you say: because I don't want to be with you any more. If he says that you have to have a reason, you say: No, I don't need a reason. I just don't want to be with you any more.

If you are worrying that you won't cope well on your own, remember: It may be rough for a while. You may be sad on your own, you may miss him, you may have to live somewhere crappy for a while, you may have difficult decisions to make and nobody to talk about them with. But ultimately, you will get through this, because everybody does, and you will come out the other side stronger, and you will be free of him. Think: people manage to do this in much worse situations than you, with small children and less education and so on. If they can do it, you can do it.

And when you leave, don't threaten to leave, just go, don't come back, don't explain or apologise. If he calls, you say, I'm going to hang up now, and you hang up. If he comes round, you ask him to leave. Repeatedly. Please leave now. Please leave now. Please leave now or I will call the police.

Finally: Make yourself a new life that he doesn't fit into. Find something new to do, a new job, a new hobby, join a club, make some new friends. Right now, when you leave there will be a him-shaped gap in your life tempting you to put him right back there. Reorganise your life so the gap is gone.
posted by emilyw at 1:03 AM on August 13, 2008

Who cares what he thinks of you for snooping? You shouldn't have, it's not healthy, it's wrong, but you did it and you don't want to with him any more. Having violated someone's privacy doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship you don't want to be in.

In the future, end relationships that make you feel bad about yourself before you feel so bad about yourself you barely have the strength to end them, and before you start a new relationship, work with a therapist to rebuild your damaged self esteem and address your trust issues.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:40 AM on August 13, 2008

emilyw has it right. That said, lots of people said variations on:

YOU DESERVE BETTER, and you WILL find someone better

Dissent time: I think this sort of encouragement is a purely temporary measure, but absolutely meaningless in the long term. 'Deserve'? Nonsense. You deserve the sort of relationship you make. You're not entitled to relationship happiness.

Hey, this guy is cheating on you, and you're spying on him; would you be spying if he weren't cheating? Maybe so. My guess is your BF isn't some jewel of a human being who happens to cheat, just like you're apparently not an angel descended to earth who just happens to spy on her lover. Time to get past the 'he's so awful/I'm so awful' self-centered addicted-to-victimhood bullshit, the accusations, and just deal with what's next - change your situation and it'll be easier to start fixing your own damn problems. Indeed the one is a prerequisite of the other.

What matters: you're in a shitty relationship, you know everything you're saying is a well-worn goddamn cliché, you know at some level there are resources out there to help you deal with your startlingly common situation. Yet you've let this go on for months. Well the first thing to do is recognize that you can leave if you want, that you've already made up your mind to leave and yet you're doing exactly what you want to do. ('Ignore what people say, watch what they do.') If you didn't love this psychodrama bullshit you'd already be gone.

So here's the realization that 'YOU DESERVE BETTER' obscures: you're already doing what you want. What you want is suspect. What you need is a change of circumstance and a change of attitude about relationships, but those are different classes of thing - the one an instantaneous transition, the other a years-long process.

You're dating a verminous little cunt and you're acting like a self-pitying child.

You're not gonna marry this guy and bear his kids, you've already decided the relationship is fucked, now your responsibility is to act authentically on the decision you've made. It really is as easy as saying you're going, moving your stuff out (maybe not in that order), calling some friends to crash with them, making sure the dude's not a threat to you, and not taking no for an answer when he tries to get you back. He's lying to your face daily and he'll continue to do so in order to get back a woman who's so happy to let him walk all over her. He's got a good thing going and no matter how much he says he loves you, his efforts to win you back come down to nothing more than preserving his advantageous arrangement.

Talk of sentiment, entitlement, true love, destiny - these things are gobbledygook. You're being used, and no matter how you think you feel about it, you're in love with being used. That is the relationship you have to end.
posted by waxbanks at 4:30 AM on August 13, 2008 [2 favorites]

In your post's title, and tags, you used the word "Addictive". I'm guessing you mean that you feel that you are addicted to the cycle you're in... Google 'Addictive Relationships' brought me to this page which has some useful advice. You might be able to find a similar counseling center near you.

Support - whether from friends, family, a counselor, or a group - sounds like it is really what you'll need to get through this. The Mefites screaming DTMFA won't be there when you are itching to call him back, or drive by his house at night, etc. In your situation, I'd love to have someone I could call and say, "hey, I'm really feeling like I want to call him. talk to me." I hope you can find that someone!
posted by pants at 5:35 AM on August 13, 2008

A mantra that might help you thru many long and sleepless hours goes as follows:

I can move him but I cannot change him.
Rinse
Repeat

The only way you will truly escape this joyless flagellation is to find something else to do, with the emphasis on activity. If you must do things with other people find other people who are doing something. Volunteer at a battered women's shelter, work the phones in a crisis clinic, get involved in the real world, it will prove to be a lot more interesting than the martyrdom you're fantasizing. You're fighting with a pig, all it will do is get you dirty and he will enjoy it.

Get away from your family and friends since they obviously are not seeing what you are feeling.
posted by ptm at 6:03 AM on August 13, 2008

waxbanks - did you miss the part of her question that said "and abused me."

No one deserves to be abused.
posted by 26.2 at 6:57 AM on August 13, 2008

Are you afraid to be alone? Well, here's the deal: being alone is better than being with this guy. You can do better. Being alone IS better. That finally got to be my mantra once, long ago, and it works. It's true. I've been alone for years now and it's way, way better than being with some asshole who treats me like shit.

Keep repeating that to yourself as you pack up your stuff and walk out the door. Or, better yet, pack up his stuff, call one of his relatives or friends, tell them to come get it within 6 hours or it's going on the street and, then, hon, call a girlfriend and follow through. Weep on your friends' shoulder, cry, mourn but don't waver: out he goes and that is that. No more contact, ever, of any kind. No, you can't be his friend. No, you can never see or talk to him again. Yes, that's okay and you will be surprised at just how quickly you adjust to being away from him.

Then, like waxbanks is saying, take a good long hard serious look at yourself, because there are TWO people in this relationship and you are one of them. Get yourself into therapy. Get your own head together. You can do that; it's totally possible even though it isn't going to be easy at all. And once you've done that, you'll never fall for another tool like this guy again.
posted by mygothlaundry at 8:10 AM on August 13, 2008

Don't feel guilty about snooping, the urge was probably based on intuition and self-defense. This man has no right to be around you and honestly the sooner you get away from him the more you will like yourself. You do not deserved to be treated this way and you are the person who can save yourself from the situation. Try calling a counselor, just to talk, and see what their advice is.

A good friend of mine has been seeing the same man for 12 years and he treats her horribly. She tries to get away from him, but feels guilty for leaving, and hopeful that he'll change and so she comes back. 12 years later she is hating herself for staying with him, and hating him for his behavior. She is tremendously miserable and honestly, although leaving him for good would hurt her, it would never have hurt this much if she had done it sooner. Is there any friend who understands about this who you could stay with, for a few days or a week, to remove yourself from the situation and possibly help you work up the courage to remove him from your life?

I was in a similar situation, my boyfriend was raping me, and the only way I could make him believe that I was really dumping him was to do it in front of all our friends, because otherwise he thought I was kidding. I had to write myself a short script, just a couple sentences, and memorized them so I wouldn't become speechless. It was incredibly difficult, but afterwards, and when they heard what he had done, they were completely supportive and did their best to scare him off every time he tried to come back.
posted by chana meira at 8:17 AM on August 13, 2008

What is your life like outside this relationship? Do you have other interests, hobbies, friendships that are in no way connected to this man? I don't mean secrets, just aspects of your life that he's unaware of or uninterested in. Maybe some hobby you like but he's indifferent to.

That's your new life. Do those things more. Talk to those friends more. Spend your time--as much as you can--living your life that simply doesn't involve him. Stay away from him physically--this is important. If you try this and find it to be difficult, then realize this is your problem. You're staying with this man because you likely feel afraid of being on your own. Don't worry, that's very normal. But focus on a laser on that life, those things, apart from him. Over time, when he's not central to your daily life, leaving will be easy and natural.

I do want to leave, but I 1) feel guilty about snooping;

Maybe you should, but is that really a reason you should stay with someone you're unhappy with? You still have the last word about who you want to be with. Learn your lesson with that mistake and move on.

2) can't seem to stick with my decision to leave him

See my previous advice.

and 3) have little emotional support from family or friends to help me through this (probably why #2 happens)...

You're an adult, and this along with the freedom of being an adult--things like eating corndogs whenever the hell you feel like it or drinking beer--there is the existentially soul-crushing reality that you are alone in this world. Don't depend on others, rely on yourself. Get advice from friends and family by being really, really honest, but don't take their inability to solve your problems as a dismissal of you (they've got their own problems, too, you know).

Above all, start living your life apart from this guy and constantly and consistently expand that. I hope this helps.
posted by zardoz at 8:20 AM on August 13, 2008

waxbanks - did you miss the part of her question that said "and abused me."

I took that to mean emotional abuse and in the heat (light?) of upbraiding filed that away as another self-fulfilling prophecy (emotional abuse can mean nothing more than 'tripping all over the person who keeps throwing him/herself at my feet'). But I apologise to the OP if I trivialised abuse - of course no one deserves that. That said, the saccharine rhetoric of emotional entitlement is still as big a problem as the actual day-to-day of fucked relationships; the rhetoric is part of what causes them in the first place. A good relationship isn't something you tumble blissfully into, it's something you build out of stone, and sympathy eases pain but only momentarily; it's not germinative.
posted by waxbanks at 8:36 AM on August 13, 2008

Only one person has suggested therapy? Your situation is just crying out for it. Get thee to a therapist NOW.
posted by desjardins at 8:53 AM on August 13, 2008

Only one person has suggested therapy? Your situation is just crying out for it. Get thee to a therapist NOW.

QFT. Now.

I took that to mean emotional abuse and in the heat (light?) of upbraiding filed that away as another self-fulfilling prophecy (emotional abuse can mean nothing more than 'tripping all over the person who keeps throwing him/herself at my feet').

Emotional abuse is very real. Most of the people I've talked to that have been abused will say that the emotional is as bad or worse than the physical on many levels. I have been there and I agree.
posted by Pax at 10:28 AM on August 13, 2008

Fess up to the snooping. Sure, it will give him ammunition...

It's funny how we frame everything as a game or a courtroom drama: he has the law on his side; you broke a rule, so you lose points; you give up the right to accuse him of cheating when you snooped....

Here's the truth: you snooped. You know that's wrong. If you want to confess that (or need to confess it), do so. The end.

He cheated on you. That's an entirely separate matter. If you confess to snooping, that doesn't "give him ammunition." There is no ammunition. There's no game. There's no court. There are just two people who are doing things to themselves and each other.

IF you get into an argument about his cheating, and he changes the subject to you snooping, he's CHANGING THE SUBJECT. The fact is he cheated. You and he need to deal with that. He needs to stop cheating and work to gain your trust (unlikely), you need to accept his cheating (dumb) or you need to move on.
posted by grumblebee at 11:28 AM on August 13, 2008

Seek therapy.

He is not your problem; he's your symptom.

The most important person in your life invites a loser-user like this into your life, to share your bed, have access to your financial secrets, and generally abuse you... what kind of friend does that? Answer: you do.

Spoken as a recovering abusive-partner-seeker...
posted by IAmBroom at 12:11 PM on August 13, 2008

If he is threatening you with pics that is blackmail and that is illegal. Perhaps it would be good to have a chat with a lawyer or with law enforcement, or even with a counselor at a battered women's shelter? In fact, you might want to have a chat with the latter regardless as they can give you tips to make this easier-I suspect with this particular guy they will have a lot of useful advice.
posted by konolia at 2:16 PM on August 13, 2008

It sounds like you're thinking along the right lines. Now just put your thoughts into action. Tell him you're done and to not contact you anymore. Ignore his calls and delete his emails. Stay busy so you won't have time to dwell on things. Know that you deserve so much more than this slime bucket is offering you! Oh... and have a GREAT birthday knowing that you're beginning a whole new chapter in your brand new life.
Good luck to you!
posted by SoftSummerBreeze at 3:02 PM on August 13, 2008

What's he gonna do when he finds out you're snooping? Dump you?
posted by klangklangston at 3:31 PM on August 13, 2008

Change your phone number, stop all contact (no matter the blackmail) and set your email up to block all his messages. There is NOTHING that can make staying in this prison worth it! If you're worried about his power over you - remove yourself from him totally. Why risk a conversation with him? Send a short email , "We're done. Good by. " Don't include any reasons then DON'T WAIT FOR A REPLY. I wish you well.
posted by saradarlin at 11:35 PM on August 14, 2008