Ow.

August 12, 2008 1:27 AM

Help me respond gracefully to an ouchy text message from a boy I liked.

So… I liked a boy. And I got a text message from him that made me think he liked me, all talking about taking care of me. But clearly I was wrong about the liking because I just got a second message from him asking me to pass his number on to another (much younger, cuter) friend so they could have dinner.

Which hurts. But, whatever. You can’t choose who you like, and if he likes her and not me, well, he does. It’s not as though the hurt was intended.

But it does hurt pretty badly all the same.

So… my judgement is a bit clouded just now. I don’t know what to say in reply. I feel hurt and humiliated enough without making that obvious to him and I'm scared that somehow I'll telgraph that without meaning to.

I was just going to write ''Sure!'' and text her his number.

Hive mind, help me reply gracefully so I can move on and forget about it?

posted by t0astie to human relations (33 comments total)

Do you have permission to give out her number? I'd say "I'll give her your number, I don't like giving out my friends' numbers without asking." And do so.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:29 AM on August 12, 2008 [6 favorites]

(That wasn't judgmental, sorry if it sounded that way)
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:29 AM on August 12, 2008

I think "Sure!" + her number is perfect. The less said, the better — less of a chance to transmit subliminal hurt messages.
posted by mjao at 1:30 AM on August 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

Oops, sorry, I meant I'll give my friend his phone number, not the other way round.
posted by t0astie at 1:33 AM on August 12, 2008

Then ignore my previous comment :)

What mjao said. Exclamation point included.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:39 AM on August 12, 2008

It's done.
posted by t0astie at 2:01 AM on August 12, 2008

Why feel so bad about hurting him? Asking an available woman for another woman's number is a douche move. He should be raked over the coals for it. Bastard. And I personally feel that you absolutely shouldn't have passed along the number. I wish I was awake at the time to stop you. :-/
posted by Citrus at 7:19 AM on August 12, 2008

Asking an available woman for another woman's number is a douche move.

Yeah, I guess that's not too considerate, now that you mention it, especially if he was flirty before. Consolation prize? You may have dodged a bullet!
posted by Miko at 7:30 AM on August 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm going to give completely contrarian advice here for the next time it happens. It comes from my being that boy so, so, so, so many times. Give him the number gracefully. Then tell him that you kind of liked him and that he somewhat gave you the impression that he liked you and that he needs to not do that to girls. Then tell him that it's fine and that you hope they have a great time. Then forget about him.
posted by mrmojoflying at 7:33 AM on August 12, 2008 [7 favorites]

Then tell him that you kind of liked him and that he somewhat gave you the impression that he liked you and that he needs to not do that to girls. Then tell him that it's fine and that you hope they have a great time. Then forget about him.

So, she should just accommodate men who give her an emotional slap in the face like that, and forget about them? I'm sorry, mrmojoflying - that's just the kind of behavior that emboldens people to continue to be inconsiderate and hurtful.

And, if you're that boy so many times, bloody stop it already! It's rude!
posted by Citrus at 8:14 AM on August 12, 2008

I was just going to write ''Sure!'' and text her his number.

Give me a f***ing break. This guy sounds like an insensitive slob. Let him find his own phone number. I mean, you already feel bad enough that he preferred someone over you. But you'll get over it.

But if you introduce this doofus to your friend, it's just going to be humiliating, and that will make a small rejection into a big rejection. Wouldn't it be awful if he started dating your friend and you would have to see him all the time?

All women have the right to be a bitch, and all's fair in love and war. So be a bitch and ignore loverboy's request for a phone number.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:20 AM on August 12, 2008

Why do you want to inflict this moron on someone you consider a friend? I'd say "Sure!" and never actually give her his number.
posted by desjardins at 8:52 AM on August 12, 2008

Can I ask why we have all this negative energy toward this guy? We don't even know what he said to make the OP think he liked her.
posted by PFL at 8:57 AM on August 12, 2008

Asking an available woman for another woman's number is a douche move.

Because of that, PFL. It's bad tactics, and it's rude.

I concur with the above posters that you should offer to give your friend his number, not the other way around - I know I'd be pissed if my friends were handing out my phone number to anyone.

This is, of course, assuming that you want to have anything to do with the guy - he kind of sounds like a dickwad to me, and I'd probably just not respond at all and move on.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:00 AM on August 12, 2008

Restless, he didn't ask for her number. He asked her to pass along his number.
posted by PFL at 9:03 AM on August 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

playing devils advocate here, and I have no idea what the situation is, but asking a single friend for someone elses number is not a terrible thing to do. I agree with mrmojoflying. Who knows, maybe he does like you but he didn't get the right vibes from you, and if he was leading you on, the nicest thing you could do is let him know that his behavior wasn't appropriate. That will put you one up on him, even if it doesn't feel like it.
posted by Large Marge at 9:06 AM on August 12, 2008

Anyone saying that it's a douche move is being ridiculous. We don't know nearly ANYTHING about this guy or his relationship to the poster. He could be a douche; he could be dense; he could be an airhead; he could be a really nice guy; he could be dim, bright, awesome, asshole. Asking someone to get connected to someone you're interested in is not only OK, it's pretty standard. Obviously it's a dick move if he KNOWS the OP likes him, but I'm not sure why we are assuming this.

I like the "sure!" + number move.
posted by ORthey at 9:52 AM on August 12, 2008

We have a word for that. Wouch.

Your focus should be on you.

(much younger, cuter)

says who?

Don't send him the number. Tell him you feel weird about it and that he should just ask her for the number himself.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:53 AM on August 12, 2008

she should just accommodate men who give her an emotional slap in the face like that

Life is an unending series of emotional slaps in the face. You can either be angry with the whole world all the time, or you can learn to handle the fortune's slings and arrows with a modicum of grace.

People are usually acting without clue rather than being intentionally hurtful. Recognizing this, and providing clue in a considerate way rather than calling offenders names, makes the world a better place.
posted by kindall at 10:24 AM on August 12, 2008 [2 favorites]

Asking an available woman for another woman's number is a douche move.

I'm a guy, and I agree that it's a total douche move - which is actually good news because... really... do you want to date a douche?

You can do better.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:46 AM on August 12, 2008

"Hey friend, this guy hit on me then asked for your number. Bob 111-1111"
posted by rhizome at 10:48 AM on August 12, 2008 [4 favorites]

oops, not "asked for your number," but the other way around. you get the idea.
posted by rhizome at 10:49 AM on August 12, 2008

Whoa! People seem to have a big hate-on for this poor sap.

I've known girls. I've dated them. I've been platonic friends with them. I've been introduced to other available girls by available girls (without asking!), and I've asked to be introduced. Hell, I even married one! (12 years ago, didn't work out, divorced a year later and am currently engaged to a nerdy angel, the star of my dreams and hopefully unable to realize her folly for many, many decades.)

In the grand view of romantic relationships, asking someone for the phone number of their friend that you'd really like to meet isn't exactly a douchebag thing to do.

I vote for "Sure, I'll give her your number" (and then doing it).
posted by terpia at 11:05 AM on August 12, 2008

Be sure and tell your friend that you're passing his number on to what he did. You are well rid of him.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 11:23 AM on August 12, 2008

I'm with terpia here. I've been hooked up with a girl on more than one occasion by a single female friend of mine and it never seemed shady or out of line. I guess it doesn't matter too much, but this guy is getting crucified here and we don't even know what he did to deserve it. Maybe the OP took something small he said and ran with it.

Of course, maybe it would just be better if he assumed that every female he associates with is secretly in love with him and he has to serve as a great protector of female emotions because he's so irresistible. But that guy sounds like a douche too.
posted by PFL at 11:30 AM on August 12, 2008

Do not reply.
posted by thinkpiece at 11:42 AM on August 12, 2008

To be perfectly honest, I don't give a whit about the guy's feelings in the matter. Sure, the OP might be being more sensitive than is practical - maybe the guy was really being a douche. But IMO it's a situation where if she feels weird and uncomfortable and bitter about being the instrument of the hookup, she has every right to pretend she never got that second text.

And I still say it's bad tactics to ask single friends to hook you up with their friends. If you do, you better be DAMN sure they weren't hoping to hook up with you themselves.
posted by restless_nomad at 1:07 PM on August 12, 2008

A few points:

• "text message from him that made me think he liked me"... But liking you may or may not have been his message. I am sure that we have all been in the situation whereby, liking somebody intensely, we look with a magnifying glass for clues that they reciprocate this attraction in every little thing they do.
• He asked HER to pass HIS number along. He did not ask her to give him her friend's number. She is under no obligation to pass along any number that she does not have explicit permission to pass along.
• We do not know if he was aware of the OP's feelings for him. She may have kept her crush very, very secret. Hell, she may have been what she felt was not-so-secret about it, and he may just not have picked up on it. We simply don't know that he was even aware.

Let's ease up a bit on calling the guy a douchebag here, alright? I know it's pretty much de rigeur around the AskMe realm to instantly assume douchebaggery on the part of anybody who has the sad happenstance to be born bepenised, but this guy is being unfairly crucified.

t0astie – if nothing else, take these things from this:

• He doesn't appear to reciprocate whatever crush you had on him. That alone should be all the info you need to give up on him. Everybody deserves somebody who thinks the sun shines out of their ass, and you just can't talk somebody into that.
• Only you can say for certain just how douchy it is of this guy to ask you to pass his number along. Is he a hustler? Is he shy? Did he know of your feelings? From what you have said, my gut tells me that he's probably totally unaware, and sees you as a close friend.

That all said (and making the assumption that my gut is right, here), I would pass the number along. It's the nicer thing to do. Even if he is being maybe a teensy bit inconsiderate, there's something to be said for having the grace and aplomb to be the bigger person – it will earn you more respect every time.

If you don't pass the number along, your life will be much the same. He will most likely never even know you didn't deliver the message. But unless he's being intentionally hurtful, it's a very sour-grapes thing to do. Don't fight douche with douche.
posted by kaseijin at 1:26 PM on August 12, 2008 [1 favorite]

(though I did see that you have already relayed the number...I suppose my ramble was more of the "general advice" sort, and response to some of the other posters.

At what point, after a question has already been resolved and addressed, does continued discussion become chatfilter?)
posted by kaseijin at 1:29 PM on August 12, 2008

An aspect that has been overlooked so far:

What if the guy and the poster's friend run into each other socially, and it comes out that poster didn't ever mention this to her friend? It could look to her friend like the poster is a flake, or worse, is jealous and trying to sabotage her.

It's the poster's responsibility to pass the message to her friend. In the process she should admit that she has a crush on the guy - as I understand it, Girl Code prohibits dating people your friends are interested in, so it'll end there. And if the friend goes out with him anyway, the poster needs to find new friends.
posted by a young man in spats at 5:06 PM on August 12, 2008

Girl code? Don't be ridiculous. There is no girl code, just as there is no boy code. Act the way you see fit, not by arbitrary high school standards. My personal opinion is that the OP should ass on the number, but tell the friend of the interactions that had gone on between the OP and the boy in question, and then explain honestly how she would feel if the friend and the boy were to eventually get together. But maybe that's a bit too frank for these social games we play.
posted by Phire at 7:53 PM on August 12, 2008

Wooooooaah. That was quite a pile on. Thank you for your kind thoughts about my hurt feelings. It's nice to have people spring to your defence when you're feeling low.

But... kindall and kaseijin nailed it. I could be all hurty and pissy and angry. But what good would that do *me*?

It was like ripping off a big, bad bandaid. OW. But I'm OK now.

Also, he has next to no chance. She's half his age, space-miles out of his league and already seeing someone. Ahem. /end snark.

The end.
posted by t0astie at 8:30 PM on August 12, 2008

Also, he has next to no chance. She's half his age, space-miles out of his league and already seeing someone.

From experience, I can say that it can be extremely gratifying to have things like this happen.
posted by kindall at 11:39 AM on August 13, 2008