You don't mind if I park your car in, do you?

August 6, 2008 11:27 PM

My neighbor has asked permission to park her car behind me (which means I have to go ask her to move her car anytime I need to get my car out). How can I place reasonable limits on the privilege?

We live in an apartment building in a neighborhood that has limited street parking. My apartment came with a covered parking space - which can fit two cars - while hers did not. The area is somewhat sketchy after dark, although I often walk home from public transit late at night and haven't had any problems.

My neighbor, who I hadn't met before, approached me a few months ago to ask if, when she couldn't find street parking, she could park behind my car. I'm a bit of a pushover and like to avoid confrontation, so I eventually agreed on occasion she could if there was no street parking.

My first concern was being stuck if she wasn't at home to move her car but she says she doesn't go anywhere without her car and to be fair every time I've needed her to move, she has been able to do it quickly. However, it is an inconvenience - especially when I'm running late. A few times, I've driven home to find her car already in my spot, forcing me to go find street parking (I often leave my car at home and wouldn't want to strand her).

She found an alternative solution for a month but it doesn't work anymore, so she has written me a note asking if I mind if she parks behind me again. She mentions that she's going to have surgery soon, so it would be nice to be able to park close.

So, am I being unreasonable and unneighborly to not give her free reign to park behind me? How can I say no in a nice and compassionate way, or - preferably - set limits for occasional use that aren't incredibly arbitrary (if it's more than one hour after sunset and you're in pain and you've driven around the neighborhood three times and wished on a shooting star and still haven't found a spot, then you can park behind me)?

posted by purplevelvet to human relations (39 comments total)

Could you get her mobile number, and ring her ten minutes before you expect to leave?
posted by b33j at 11:36 PM on August 6, 2008

I did tandem parking at work with different colleagues. It worked fine when people gave each other copies of their car keys. It sucked when people didn't. She should definitely give you a key and permit you to move her car without having to go get her. (If you're not comfortable having her move your car, then one of the limits should be that she can only park behind you, not in front.)

If it's going to be a regular thing, then she needs to pay for part of the spot.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 11:37 PM on August 6, 2008 [10 favorites has favorites]

If it's too much of an inconvenience for you, just tell her you are sorry, but it's not working out and she'll have to make other arrangements.

Also, I wouldn't worry about parking her in. It's your spot, so no matter what you do, it's still a huge convenience for her.
posted by zippy at 11:40 PM on August 6, 2008

Ask for a key, so you can shift it as needed.
posted by pompomtom at 11:41 PM on August 6, 2008

Parking behind you isn't going to be much help to her when she has this surgery if she has to get up to move her car every time you need to go somewhere. And, uh, you're going to be exceptionally busy for the next month or so, and you'll need to be able to come and go frequently and quickly. And you might have a guest who needs that spot. ...Right? Riiiiight?

Or you could talk it over with her and find out how long she's going to need to be parked close. If it's a short term, maybe you could work out something with her and set a firm deadline on when she has to start parking somewhere else. This way, you're being kind while letting her know this is tough for you, too.
posted by katillathehun at 11:42 PM on August 6, 2008

Given that she's exceeded the limits of what was agreed upon before (she's parked her car in your spot even though the agreement was she would park behind your car) I don't hold much hope that she will follow more intricate limits.

Perhaps you could tell her that she may park behind you for a finite amount of days, an amount of time which would allow her to recover from her surgery (2 weeks? 4? Pick an amount of time which feels generous yet doesn't leave you feeling overly inconvenienced) and after that specific date you want to retain full access to your parking space for yourself and your guests.
posted by jamaro at 11:46 PM on August 6, 2008

ClaudiaCenter is right. You need to get a copy of her key AND ask her to cover some of it. You're paying extra for that spot, and she is not. It isn't your fault that she rented an apartment without parking.

If you're really non-confrontation you could fib and say that your landlord noticed the second car, asked you if it was yours, you told him about the situation and he was displeased.
posted by k8t at 11:47 PM on August 6, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Nthing claudacenter.
You're not being unreasonable. Where I live, in Sydney, there's a fair market for people in flats to rent other peoples' unused parking space---especially covered lockable space. It's not just about convenience, you're dealing with a valuable commodity.
I currently park a motorcycle on the street, as I can't justify to myself the expense of renting a garage. I'd feel terrible about myself if I were parking for free in a way that inconvenienced the owner of the space.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 11:52 PM on August 6, 2008

I think if you're talking more than say, 7 times, she needs to cover part of the cost. Also, she needs to give you the key. Your spot, your way - one that focuses on your convenience.

She isn't being particularly neighborly. One might argue that she got to know you because you could help her. Then she made a promise to do something, but didn't keep that promise. She also didn't offer to pay, or offer any sort of solution by trying to figure out what might help you (her key). In short, she's not doing any of the heavy lifting here. That sort of scenario is one that leaves non-confrontational people fuming.

Anyway, I think the nice language is:

1. Sue, I came by to tell you that I realize that this arrangement isn't working for me.
2. I certainly know how hard it is to find parking, and hope you find some arrangement that works out.
3. If you're feeling nice: What do you say I let you part there for the next week or so while you find alternative arrangements?


If you're really certain you don't want her to park, then regardless of what suggestion she makes, you simply repeat the phrase: I really have thought through the possible solutions, and really I would prefer to have my parking space available for my guests. But I wish you the best in finding a solution.

If she really is a considerate neighbor, she won't press - she will thank you for the help you have already given her. If she does press with anything possibly designed to guilt (oh, but my surgery....oh, but it's so dangerous), then really, she's not being a good neighbor. She's using you.

And while you may get your parking space back, there is nothing you can really do if after all this she decides that you are mean, rigid, that she doesn't like you, etc. That's beyond your control. Focus on approaching and engaging her in a polite manner, be clear about our thoughts and invite her to respond in kind.

It's ok for you to realize that this isn't working for you. You gave it a shot. It's also okay for you to tell her, though it may feel selfish. You aren't selfish for not wanting to go through the effort of working out an arrangement with someone who hasn't really proven she is entirely trustworthy. You're taking care of herself. It isn't your job to take care of her, particularly when she isn't extending the same courtesy. And really, she needs to be. Just one time of being late on her account, or compromising your own safety due to her lack of consideration and you'll probably want to kick yourself - or her.
posted by anitanita at 12:17 AM on August 7, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

I like the mobile phone idea. Give her a call 10 min before. Also, you should give her times that she cannot park there. If you leave for work at 7:15, tell her she cannot be there starting at 7:00, and until your car leaves. Stuff like that.

Good luck.
posted by hal_c_on at 1:20 AM on August 7, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Seconding pompomtom's suggestion of getting a key. If she wants the advantage of parking behind you, thereby disadvantaging you, then she has to put up with the disadvantage of someone else having her key.
posted by alby at 2:46 AM on August 7, 2008

I say no to having her key. It will just make it more difficult on you. She will then feel like there is no burden and will have no obligation to even get up off her ass to move her own car. "Just use your extra key, I can't get up right now. I am watching tv."

I see this as binary. Either leave the situation of calling her to move the car or telling her no.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:56 AM on August 7, 2008

She parked in YOUR SPACE so !!YOU!! had to park out on the 'dangerous' street??

Tell her to fuck right off or I'm sorry that arrangement was just horribly inconvenient for me. Perhaps raise the issue with the landlord or try putting an ad on Craigslist - you never know?? :) Sorry I can't help, goodluck.

ANYTHING but yes!! And don't offer any exceptions. How about in an emergency you won't get her car towed and that's about it. Get a spine, you did something nice for her and she took that as an invitation to walk all over you. I was relieved when you said she closed that invite (Yay!!). All you have to do is not say yes. Shake your head and be apologetic but do not give in!! If you do cave just give her the fucking space but make her rent it, if she needs it that badly.

What a bitch, she's too precious to risk out there... but it's alright for you though? That is so rude.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 4:20 AM on August 7, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

I really have thought through the possible solutions, and really I would prefer to have my parking space available for my guests. But I wish you the best in finding a solution.

As someone who is also non-confrontational and a 'pushover' in similar situations, I find it helpful to have a script like the one suggested by anitanita. For me, the most important thing is to stick to the script. Finish what you have to say, then stop. Don't start apologizing, or waffling ("I'm sorry, I know you are about to have surgery", "I mean, in an emergency you could still park here"). That just gives a less thoughtful person an In to take advantage of you. Let your statement stand, strong, even if it feels awkward.
posted by pants at 4:29 AM on August 7, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Forget the key business and calling her cell phone. This isn't working. She rented an apartment without a parking space. You rented one with a parking space. These were choices you both made. Don't let her turn her problems into your problems. You've already been way more than generous - it sounds like she's taking advantage of you.

I get that you want to be a nice neighbor and that most of us don't like saying "no" but if it were me, I'd say, "This isn't working out. I rented this apartment in large part because of the parking spot. I can't be tracking you down when I need to get in or out. You need to make other arrangements." Say it nicely but don't apologize for reclaiming what is yours. I wouldn't offer to let it go on for another week or until after her surgery. These are not your problems - don't be a doormat and give up a valuable resource that you're paying for, just because you are hesitant to say no.

Pants has good advice about figuring out a script and sticking to it. Be brief and polite. Seriously .. your parking spot is part of your home and it sounds like it's stressing you out. You don't need this aggravation. State your position and be done with it.
posted by Kangaroo at 5:38 AM on August 7, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

"I'm sorry, but I don't think it's a situation that will work for both of us."

The fact that she parked in your space irked me, I must admit, but I have dealt with a similar situation and it just wasn't workable. eventually, she will be inconvenienced when you need to go somewhere - maybe she is in the shower or sleeping and you shouldn't have to feel like you can't go out for a midnight munchie or an emergency because she is parked behind you.
Having a key to a virtual stranger's car also strikes me as a bad idea.

If off street parking was a necessity, she should have found a place that offered it. I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but I have been there and it just wasn't a doable situation.
posted by pointystick at 6:32 AM on August 7, 2008

I wouldn't get a key, or get her mobile. Why should you have to go one iota out of your way if you don't want to? It sounds like you've been reasonable and accommodating and that she's pushing the boundaries. It's just an uncomfortable situation...you want to be nice, and to be helpful, but it's really not working out. The thing is, it's your spot, your time, your money, and your convenience. Write something down that doesn't make you feel too uncomfortable saying out loud, rehearse it, and go talk to her.

My neighbor, who I hadn't met before, approached me a few months ago to ask

So your first interaction with her is getting approached and being asked for a huge favor which inconveniences you? Ballsy. If you decide to let her keep parking there, by all means get her to cough up some cash. She is definitely taking advantage of your kindness.
posted by iconomy at 6:45 AM on August 7, 2008

Speaking from experience, I'd advise against getting keys to her car. I recently lived in an apartment where we had keys to another tenant's car since the parking spots were one in front of the other. And it was a huge pain to move a car every time I wanted to drive, especially when I was late or the weather was foul.

I think you've been neighborly enough here and agree with others who think she's taking advantage of the situation and being inconsiderate. It probably wasn't her original intention but now it's just easier for her to roll up behind your spot. Besides, calmly but firmly standing up for yourself and setting limits could be a really good experience in general, no?
posted by Shazbot at 6:46 AM on August 7, 2008

Is your schedule routine enough so you can ask her to have her car out of the way every morning by some set time?

Seems to me like she should be able to park at night and then move the car in the early morning (and find parking) without much trouble or danger (as scary people tend to sleep in late.)
posted by wfrgms at 6:46 AM on August 7, 2008

"This isn't working out. I rented this apartment in large part because of the parking spot. I can't be tracking you down when I need to get in or out. You need to make other arrangements."
posted by Kangaroo at 7:38 AM

Kangeroo got it. No key. No calling her. No nothing. It's your parking place, she's an inconsiderate person, and even if she wasn't you still owe her nothing, other than the civility we all owe one another, perhaps a nod hello when we pass in the morning, or perhaps not, letting her know if you see her cat got out, that sort of thing.
posted by dancestoblue at 6:56 AM on August 7, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

mu~ha~ha~ha~har is rude but correct. This woman blew any provisional claim she had on your sympathy. She's a taker, and you shouldn't be the one she takes from. Tell her, nicely but firmly, she needs to find another solution. She is not entitled to your garage.
posted by languagehat at 7:28 AM on August 7, 2008

You have the right to use your parking area at your convenience. Repeat that to yourself. That's why people pay to have a parking area. Your feel guilty about exercising a right that you have and she does not, but the inequality here results from choices you each have made. It is polite to share, but you have the right not to do so, and additionally you have just reason not to share because the result has been that she exercises your right while you are left in the cold.

You have a responsibility to yourself to end this agreement. If you really have difficulty with confrontation, write a letter. You can include your reasoning in the letter if you want, but you also have to right to make this decision unilaterally, without giving any reason at all. Your ending this agreement will not hurt your neighbor; if she chooses to take offense at the loss of this extra privilege, that is her decision.
posted by zennie at 7:41 AM on August 7, 2008

Ditto the "just say no" advice. If you start taking money from her to help fund the spot, she'll feel even more entitled to park there and you may find yourself getting calls to come out and move YOUR car out of YOUR parking space!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:55 AM on August 7, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Yeah, I think you blew it the first time you let her take YOUR OWN SPOT (?!) without confronting her. That gave her license to keep on doing it, and it won't stop unless you stick up for herself. Her surgery is not your problem. There are cabs for hire for a reason.
posted by chickaboo at 8:44 AM on August 7, 2008

She is a taker and you are being taken. It's as simple as that.

If one of her reasons for wanting to share your spot was the "dangerous" street yet she took YOUR spot when you weren't there then she told you all you need to know.

If she had the option to rent an apartment with a spot and CHOSE NOT TO then she gets to lie in the bed she made.

Seriously, you have to tell her that it won't work for you. If you are a softy (like me) you could use her surgery to get out of it, ie: tell her ok but only until she is recovered because it has been an inconvienence for you, and get a DATE from her when this arrangement will be terminated post surgery.
posted by Cosine at 8:55 AM on August 7, 2008

Nthing everyone else. Don't let this lady park in your space. At all. She's taking advantage of your generosity. I'd write a letter to her, rather than talking to her - that way, you have a paper trail in case she decides to start making trouble.

If she had the brass monkeys to approach you, a complete stranger, about this, I wonder how many other tenants in the apartment building have had similar experiences with her?
posted by LN at 8:57 AM on August 7, 2008

I know where you're coming from. I'm a "nice person" too. I also want to have good relationships with my neighbors.

BUT.

This woman is a user. I've learned to spot them. They go for "nice" people and exploit them for all they are worth. I would politely but firmly say NO and NO again to her. It's YOUR parking spot and YOU paid for it. Also, she's not a long-time neighbor/friend with whom you exchange favors - as iconomy said, it's pretty ballsy of her to introduce herself and then ask for a favor right away.

Anitaanita has a good script to use. Don't worry about PO'ing the neighbor - she's a user, and if she gets angry it's because you didn't let her use you. Say "no," politely but firmly. She's a grown adult and can jolly well make parking arrangements - it's part of this thing called "managing your life."
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:58 AM on August 7, 2008

Please let us know how it goes. I'm with everyone that says you need to tell her it's not working out. Absolutely seems like she's using you cause you will say yes.
posted by agregoli at 10:03 AM on August 7, 2008

You are paying for this space. She has abused your kindness. This is an excellent opportunity to practice saying No.

How can I say no in a nice and compassionate way,

If she parks in your space, park behind her. When she asks you to move, explain that your space is not available to her.

You don't like conflict, so feel free to leave a note on her windshield. "This isn't working out for me, so please don't park behind me anymore. " Make 5 copies of the sign, cause she's gonna ignore it. After 5 times, leave a note that says. "Really, this is just not working, and I'll need to ask the management to deal with it. " then a note that says you'll have her towed. and have her towed if necessary.

Her troubles are unfortunate. You gave her a huge gift. She abused it, so she loses the benefit.
posted by theora55 at 10:07 AM on August 7, 2008

so she has written me a note asking if I mind if she parks behind me again

You do mind, right?

She mentions that she's going to have surgery soon, so it would be nice to be able to park close.

Sure it would!

I'd love to know if she's ever reciprocated in any way, like giving you flowers from her garden or baking you some cookies. Just being nosy....
posted by iconomy at 10:45 AM on August 7, 2008

Since she wrote you a note, you can write a note back. There are a number of good options here. "Dear neighbour, I'm afraid I can no longer share my parking spot with you. Best wishes for your surgery" or some such. Then park halfway in your spot, so there isn't room for her to park behind you.

After you say no, figure out an action plan in case she decides to test you and just park there anyhow. Not that she necessarily will, but she might.
posted by jeather at 11:18 AM on August 7, 2008

She conveniently left out the type of surgery. I'm guessing it's one that doesn't hinder one's mobility, if she's actually having surgery at all.
posted by electroboy at 11:55 AM on August 7, 2008

It's a real pain, doing this kind of parking when you have your neighbor's key. You would have to move her car to the street, park it; move your car to the street, park it; get back in your car and drive away.

Don't do it. Yeah, it's an annoying situation for her, but it's not your responsibility, and it'll slowly drive you insane (I speak through experience).
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:59 PM on August 7, 2008

(I forgot the step of moving her car back to the garage. You probably would, too.)
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:59 PM on August 7, 2008

Thanks for all the suggestions and support! I'm going to talk to her tonight.
posted by purplevelvet at 4:16 PM on August 7, 2008

Please do let us know what happens.

Surgery? Boohoohoo. I was on crutches for 2 weeks and I didn't whine about it or go get a handicapped plate. I would be more sympathetic if she hadn't already taken advantage of you, but just come to you for the first time saying "I'm having surgery, could I park there for 2 weeks?" Besides, what happens if she has the surgery and parks behind you, then you call her to move her car, and she's not feeling well? After all, if the surgery is going to make her feel bad enough to need a close parking spot, it's certainly going to make her feel bad enough to not want to get up and move her car when you need her to.
posted by IndigoRain at 6:57 PM on August 7, 2008

Just so you know you're not alone, read this article about a similar situation, by Cary Tennis at Salon.com. Then read the reader responses to the article. They provide a depot of wisdom and indignation you can draw upon.

Just listen to her arguments, nod agreeably, then look her in the eye, cross your arms, and say in a neutral way, "Yeah, that's not going to work for me." Repeat that line as long as she keeps trying to persuade you. Don't address any of her specific points. Then bid her a good day, and walk away.
posted by ebellicosa at 10:55 PM on August 7, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Looking for the resolution on this...
posted by agregoli at 8:35 AM on August 12, 2008

So... what happened?
posted by 8dot3 at 8:25 AM on August 13, 2008