after breaking up will he change his mind?
August 5, 2008 8:56 AM Subscribe
Can any of you men out there help me translate this situation and maybe give me some guidance as to how to go forward?
I was dumped by my boyfriend of a year-and-a-half without warning
posted by theobromine_ady to Human Relations (60 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
and his reason was this: "I don't want a relationship of any kind. I just want to be in my own space and spend my time with my son and my dogs." But then he added that I am his best friend, he thinks I'm fabulous, respects me more than any other human, thinks I'm beautiful and wants me to stay his friend because "we are excellent at being friends."
I am devistated and heartbroken. He can give me no reason other than wanting his space back.
The relationship, from the very get-go, was easy and comfortable and romantic and full of sparks and sex and laughter. We never had an argument or disagreement about anything. Our children (each have one) love each other and each of us.
It was a pretty casual relationship and we didn't see each other every day. When we were together we were close physically, holding hands, hugging, smooching, always smiling and laughing. The sex was great, too. Really great. Neither of us want to get married again and the road we were on together seemed just the right one.
We were very protective of the kids and only had overnights if there weren't any around. We each believed we were a gift to the other from the universe for some great deed performed in a different life. "all that and a bag of chips" if you will.
So after a fabulous weekend together he called me Thursday to say he needed to "air some things out." We had a deal that neither would require the other to guess the thoughts and he said he needed to talk because he was having some thoughts he didn't want me to guess.
Bomb dropped after dinner. Break up. Stop it cold. No discussion. His own space. No relationship of any kind, with anyone. No reason. No incident. No other person. No nothing just KABLAM! Over. But would I be his best friend.
Two things have happened in the last few months. One is that he switched, very slowly and under doctor supervision, from Zoloft to Cymbalta. He says that on the Cymbalta he feels better than he has ever felt, his back doesn't hurt (he had a paralyzing back injury 10 years ago, rehabbed back to full function but has had chronic, horrible back pain since the accident) for the first time in 10 years and now he wants to be alone. I truly believe this isolation is a side-effect from the meds but he doesn't and it's not my place to say. He didnt' tell his doctor that we broke up. Just tells him he "feels great". The other thing was that a few months ago I left for a two week job training out-of-state. I missed him terribly. He told me he missed me. Our reuinion was sweet and passionate. But on D-day he told me that while I was gone he realized I was much more into his "space" than he wanted me to be and now he wants it back.
I am not a smotherer. Yes, I enjoyed his company greatly. I have my own life, am independent (sometimes to a fault), am a single mother, have a great (and demanding) job, two actually. But he was so fabulous that I rearranged some priorities to spend more time with him.
I asked him to change his mind. To try this with a pull-back plan and not spend so much time together. He said "no".
Help me! I have tried to stay his friend but it is too painful to be in his company and pretend that I don't want to be close. When we are together it feels exactly the same: easy, fun, full of laughter and smiles, comfortable, close, smart but without the hand-holding and kissing.
We are in our 40s, both divorced, both had given up on finding someone and this was so right, so good, so fabulous. Why, then, would a smart, passionate, compassionate, loving man throw this away without any reason other than wanting to be alone?
Is he just that damaged and broken from his horrible ex?
Is he protecting me from something so therefore not telling me some horrible thing I did wrong or didn't do?
He said he doesn't have a single mean thing to say to me or about me. He still finds me attractive and sexy but doesn't want to have sex. He's a real gentleman and a casual sexual relationship, in his mind, is disrespectful and so therefore not an option. And I'm not going to demean myself by asking for one anyway.
He emails me a dozen times a day. If I'm late to reply he sends "where are you? are you okay? messages."
Help. Translate this for me. I don't speak boy!
Our paths are going to cross a lot. Our kids go to the same school. We swim at the same pool. We walk our dogs the same places. We live in the same neighborhood. Do I just stay away and let my fire fizzle? Is there hope that he'll realize he threw away something so very fabulous and beg for it back? Do I chalk this up to another broken heart that didn't kill me? Anyone familiar with Cymbalta and will the isolation necessity wane and he'll realize he doesn't want to be alone?