Wedding Drama-rama
August 1, 2008 9:19 AM Subscribe
Please help me deal with an ex-friend!
Back in college, I had a friend, lets call her Alice. Alice and I were really close and pretty much spent every second of college together. Once college ended, we gradually grew apart and she started getting flakey on me – cancelling at the last minute, missing important events in my life, etc. One day she stood me up, and I complained about it and she freaked and ceased all contact with me. That was several years ago. I was upset at first but have come to the conclusion that I’m better off without her. I’ve gotten to the point where I rarely think about Alice anymore. She lives across the country from us, so I never have to see her anyway. However we have a mutual friend, lets call her Debbie, who is getting married in September.
Debbie and I are really close. We hang out at least once a week, go on vacations together, etc. As far as I know, she sees Alice MAYBE once a year. Nevertheless, she still considers Alice her good friend and refuses to even discuss any of this silly drama. Unfortunately, now I’m going to have to deal with Alice at the shower and bachelorette party and wedding itself. And I know this girl. She’s not going to be polite and gracious. As soon as she sees me, she’s going to try to take over the room and be loud and outgoing and the life of the party, just to outshine me and make me feel uncomfortable and left out.
My question is, how do I deal with this? I don’t want to be miserable at my good friend’s wedding. Of course I don’t want to cause any strife or drama at her wedding either. I’d like to smooth things over to the point where Alice will be courteous to me and we can both get through this like adults, and just be happy for our mutual friend. Then she can go back to California and never speak to me again.
Should I just go to the wedding events and hope for the best? Should I send Alice an email (the only way I have of contacting her) saying something along the lines of “I know things ended badly between us but I’d like to try to work things out, at least for the sake of our good friend who is getting married”? what if I write her and she ignores it or writes back something really rude? That would make things even worse!
I realize this whole post makes me sound like I’m fifteen, but we’re all actually pushing thirty and have mature, respectable lives and relationships! Any advise, opinions, etc are appreciated.
Back in college, I had a friend, lets call her Alice. Alice and I were really close and pretty much spent every second of college together. Once college ended, we gradually grew apart and she started getting flakey on me – cancelling at the last minute, missing important events in my life, etc. One day she stood me up, and I complained about it and she freaked and ceased all contact with me. That was several years ago. I was upset at first but have come to the conclusion that I’m better off without her. I’ve gotten to the point where I rarely think about Alice anymore. She lives across the country from us, so I never have to see her anyway. However we have a mutual friend, lets call her Debbie, who is getting married in September.
Debbie and I are really close. We hang out at least once a week, go on vacations together, etc. As far as I know, she sees Alice MAYBE once a year. Nevertheless, she still considers Alice her good friend and refuses to even discuss any of this silly drama. Unfortunately, now I’m going to have to deal with Alice at the shower and bachelorette party and wedding itself. And I know this girl. She’s not going to be polite and gracious. As soon as she sees me, she’s going to try to take over the room and be loud and outgoing and the life of the party, just to outshine me and make me feel uncomfortable and left out.
My question is, how do I deal with this? I don’t want to be miserable at my good friend’s wedding. Of course I don’t want to cause any strife or drama at her wedding either. I’d like to smooth things over to the point where Alice will be courteous to me and we can both get through this like adults, and just be happy for our mutual friend. Then she can go back to California and never speak to me again.
Should I just go to the wedding events and hope for the best? Should I send Alice an email (the only way I have of contacting her) saying something along the lines of “I know things ended badly between us but I’d like to try to work things out, at least for the sake of our good friend who is getting married”? what if I write her and she ignores it or writes back something really rude? That would make things even worse!
I realize this whole post makes me sound like I’m fifteen, but we’re all actually pushing thirty and have mature, respectable lives and relationships! Any advise, opinions, etc are appreciated.
If Alice behaves badly at the wedding events, who will get the blame? Not you!
posted by Carol Anne at 9:34 AM on August 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Carol Anne at 9:34 AM on August 1, 2008 [1 favorite]
As soon as she sees me, she’s going to try to take over the room and be loud and outgoing and the life of the party, just to outshine me and make me feel uncomfortable and left out.
So let her. Just let Alice act however she acts, and you just act like yourself (a grown-up) and have a good time. Alice's behavior isn't your responsibility -- it's Alice's. Take a few deep breaths, smile, and enjoy your friend's wedding.
I know I'm making this sound deceptively easy, but I don't see how you can address these issues with Alice, via email or otherwise, without turning it into more of a confrontation. So I'd just go, relax, and hope for the best. Who knows -- maybe Alice has turned into a mature, respectable person since you last spoke.
Good luck.
posted by dryad at 9:34 AM on August 1, 2008 [4 favorites]
So let her. Just let Alice act however she acts, and you just act like yourself (a grown-up) and have a good time. Alice's behavior isn't your responsibility -- it's Alice's. Take a few deep breaths, smile, and enjoy your friend's wedding.
I know I'm making this sound deceptively easy, but I don't see how you can address these issues with Alice, via email or otherwise, without turning it into more of a confrontation. So I'd just go, relax, and hope for the best. Who knows -- maybe Alice has turned into a mature, respectable person since you last spoke.
Good luck.
posted by dryad at 9:34 AM on August 1, 2008 [4 favorites]
As soon as she sees me, she’s going to try to take over the room and be loud and outgoing and the life of the party, just to outshine me and make me feel uncomfortable and left out. ... I don’t want to be miserable at my good friend’s wedding.
So don't. Why in the world would it make you miserable to see Alice behaving like an ass? If she's not your friend anymore, nothing she does has anything to do with you.
posted by kindall at 9:36 AM on August 1, 2008
So don't. Why in the world would it make you miserable to see Alice behaving like an ass? If she's not your friend anymore, nothing she does has anything to do with you.
posted by kindall at 9:36 AM on August 1, 2008
I wouldn't email her and I wouldn't approach her at the wedding either. If she makes a scene and attempts to 'outshine' you, just be assured that other people are seeing this too, and you're not at your friend's wedding to 'shine' anyway. If 'Alice' approaches you in a friendly way, reply in kind - maybe you'll get some answers to nagging old questions. I wouldn't directly ask her anything about anything, just enjoy her company if you get the chance. If she approaches you in a neutral manner, great. Count your blessings and enjoy your friend's wedding. If 'Alice' approaches you in a negative manner, don't engage her and try to remove yourself gracefully from the situation. Whatever you do, don't take the bait. Just keep reminding yourself why you're there (read: your friend) and try to talk to other people.
This may be a delicate balance, but keep your chin up. If you're among friends then you'll ultimately be fine, whatever happens.
posted by Pecinpah at 9:37 AM on August 1, 2008
This may be a delicate balance, but keep your chin up. If you're among friends then you'll ultimately be fine, whatever happens.
posted by Pecinpah at 9:37 AM on August 1, 2008
Do not project outcomes.
posted by netbros at 9:40 AM on August 1, 2008 [8 favorites]
posted by netbros at 9:40 AM on August 1, 2008 [8 favorites]
So, wait - you're afraid she's going to be... outgoing? And that will necessarily make you feel bad, because, what, you can't stand not to be the center of attention? I think you're blowing the whole situation up in your mind - why, I can't tell from what you've told us. (Although this has the ring of "There is no one so hard to forgive as someone we have wronged" to me...)
As you said, you're all grown-ups. Go to the wedding, be civil to your ex-friend, be happy for the bride, eat, drink, and be merry, and otherwise just don't stress about it. If you anticipate drama, there will be drama. So don't anticipate drama, and if Alice makes an attempt to start it, just let it wash over you and don't react.
I mean, really. It's not junior high. You can stand a weekend in the presence of someone who doesn't like you without anyone ending up sobbing in the bathroom.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:42 AM on August 1, 2008
As you said, you're all grown-ups. Go to the wedding, be civil to your ex-friend, be happy for the bride, eat, drink, and be merry, and otherwise just don't stress about it. If you anticipate drama, there will be drama. So don't anticipate drama, and if Alice makes an attempt to start it, just let it wash over you and don't react.
I mean, really. It's not junior high. You can stand a weekend in the presence of someone who doesn't like you without anyone ending up sobbing in the bathroom.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:42 AM on August 1, 2008
I would recommend that you leave Debbie out of it; she's made it clear that she doesn't want to be involved, and I'm sure that is even more true at her own wedding. It would be crummy to put her in a position where she's in charge of the problem. It's your job to be a grown-up and deal with it yourself.
I agree with the other posters who have suggested that you let Alice do whatever she is going to do. There's no reason for you to contact Alice and try to convince her to be civil; all you can do is be totally polite yourself, and let her behavior speak for itself.
posted by Siobhan at 9:42 AM on August 1, 2008
I agree with the other posters who have suggested that you let Alice do whatever she is going to do. There's no reason for you to contact Alice and try to convince her to be civil; all you can do is be totally polite yourself, and let her behavior speak for itself.
posted by Siobhan at 9:42 AM on August 1, 2008
Weddings and their related events are often large and fluid enough so that you should be able to avoid having much contact with Alice at all: which is what I would suggest. By all means attend the events, but do your best to avoid Alice. If you do happen to have to talk to her, be polite, short, and sweet. Then quickly and graciously blend back into the crowd.
posted by ornate insect at 9:44 AM on August 1, 2008
posted by ornate insect at 9:44 AM on August 1, 2008
It's surprising how many people manage to suck it up and deal with weddings in a gracious and decent manner because they love their friends who are getting married. If I were you, I'd move forward assumign Alice is going to be this way (and so are you) and if she's not, well it's too bad that she's not going to have a good time at a friend's wedding.
I'd leave Debbie alone, she's busy and stressed out. I'd find another friend who is going to the wedding and maybe make them your confidante/wingman just enough to say "if you see Alice buttonholing me, would you be gracious and come over and help me extract myself?" and then vow to not use them because you'll make an effort to steer clear of Alice [without being standoffish, just go be fabulous elsewhere in your party dress] and have a great time showing the flag for someone who is ACTUALLY your friend, Debbie.
Be courteous and gracious and don't let anyone make you feel bad. You did nothing wrong.
posted by jessamyn at 9:44 AM on August 1, 2008 [3 favorites]
I'd leave Debbie alone, she's busy and stressed out. I'd find another friend who is going to the wedding and maybe make them your confidante/wingman just enough to say "if you see Alice buttonholing me, would you be gracious and come over and help me extract myself?" and then vow to not use them because you'll make an effort to steer clear of Alice [without being standoffish, just go be fabulous elsewhere in your party dress] and have a great time showing the flag for someone who is ACTUALLY your friend, Debbie.
Be courteous and gracious and don't let anyone make you feel bad. You did nothing wrong.
posted by jessamyn at 9:44 AM on August 1, 2008 [3 favorites]
Should I just go to the wedding events and hope for the best?
Yes. You cannot control how Alice acts. You can control how you act. Accept her behavior and try to avoid reacting to it as much as you can.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:51 AM on August 1, 2008
Yes. You cannot control how Alice acts. You can control how you act. Accept her behavior and try to avoid reacting to it as much as you can.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:51 AM on August 1, 2008
You are envisioning a worst-case scenario. Is it possible that Alice will have matured in her behavior since you last saw her? Is it really likely that Alice will be myopically centered on you, and let that rule her behavior? Is it really likely that you will be forced to interact with her the whole time? When you go to weddings, aren't there often guests with whom you don't interact, even if you aren't avoiding them?
If it turns out that she does act like a petulant child, ignore her. After all, toddler can also become the center of attention at a party through their antics, and they will also arbitrarily shun certain adults, but there's no reason that should spoil anyone's good time.
As soon as she sees me, she’s going to try to take over the room and be loud and outgoing and the life of the party, just to outshine me and make me feel uncomfortable and left out.
If she does that, she will seem obnoxious to some people and make others feel "left out" as well, not just you. Also, other people would not appreciate her becoming the center of attention at events where 'Debbie' is supposed to be the center of attention. It's possible that these reasons may be enough to keep her in line.
posted by zennie at 10:41 AM on August 1, 2008
If it turns out that she does act like a petulant child, ignore her. After all, toddler can also become the center of attention at a party through their antics, and they will also arbitrarily shun certain adults, but there's no reason that should spoil anyone's good time.
As soon as she sees me, she’s going to try to take over the room and be loud and outgoing and the life of the party, just to outshine me and make me feel uncomfortable and left out.
If she does that, she will seem obnoxious to some people and make others feel "left out" as well, not just you. Also, other people would not appreciate her becoming the center of attention at events where 'Debbie' is supposed to be the center of attention. It's possible that these reasons may be enough to keep her in line.
posted by zennie at 10:41 AM on August 1, 2008
Stop projecting worst-case scenarios. By definition, they are not real. Nothing has happened yet. Alice may turn out to be perfectly pleasant. She may be a total pill. She may break her leg the week before the wedding and not be able to show up. The point is, you don't know and it isn't in your control. What is in your control, however, is to resolve that whatever does happen, you can handle it: by being gracious and polite, and deciding now that if -- if! -- Alice behaves badly, you will not react.
posted by scody at 10:48 AM on August 1, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by scody at 10:48 AM on August 1, 2008 [2 favorites]
Oh, and this...
I don’t want to be miserable at my good friend’s wedding.
...is your choice, too. No matter how Alice behaves, you can have a good time. But it's up to you, not her.
posted by scody at 10:51 AM on August 1, 2008
I don’t want to be miserable at my good friend’s wedding.
...is your choice, too. No matter how Alice behaves, you can have a good time. But it's up to you, not her.
posted by scody at 10:51 AM on August 1, 2008
You have nothing to worry about, because she has moved at least as far beyond you as you have her.
The reason why she "freaked out and ceased all contact with you" wasn't out of grief or anger that she would have nurtured for years and now wish to express flamboyantly.
It was because flakey-with-friends, life-of-the-party people like that are very superficial in their connections with anyone who isn't amusing to them right now, and can't stand the emotional cost of confrontations over unimportant-to-them things (like intimacy with old friends).
My bet is that she'll do one of two things: ignore you, or act as if you were friendly college acquaintances who never shared any intimacies or any hostilities whatever.
posted by MattD at 11:05 AM on August 1, 2008
The reason why she "freaked out and ceased all contact with you" wasn't out of grief or anger that she would have nurtured for years and now wish to express flamboyantly.
It was because flakey-with-friends, life-of-the-party people like that are very superficial in their connections with anyone who isn't amusing to them right now, and can't stand the emotional cost of confrontations over unimportant-to-them things (like intimacy with old friends).
My bet is that she'll do one of two things: ignore you, or act as if you were friendly college acquaintances who never shared any intimacies or any hostilities whatever.
posted by MattD at 11:05 AM on August 1, 2008
...which means that anything she does to be fabulous at this party will be 100% about her and 0% about you ... and thus not to be taken personally.
posted by MattD at 11:06 AM on August 1, 2008
posted by MattD at 11:06 AM on August 1, 2008
Should I just go to the wedding events and hope for the best?
Yes.
There's no need to try and take responsiblity or predict someone *else's* behavior. All you need to worry about is how YOU feel/act at the wedding. If she starts being loud and trying to "outshine" you, just remind yourself - that this day isn't about you OR her! It's about your friend! So just smile and have a drink and remember that it's only one day of your life.
A piece of advice my mother gave me for these situations, and it's a bit quirky, but has worked out well for me - is to pretend that I'm someone else in these situations. Usually I pretend I'm Prince Charles and just smile, act polite, and think about having big ears. It keeps me from getting too wrapped up in the drama.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 1:06 PM on August 1, 2008 [2 favorites]
Yes.
There's no need to try and take responsiblity or predict someone *else's* behavior. All you need to worry about is how YOU feel/act at the wedding. If she starts being loud and trying to "outshine" you, just remind yourself - that this day isn't about you OR her! It's about your friend! So just smile and have a drink and remember that it's only one day of your life.
A piece of advice my mother gave me for these situations, and it's a bit quirky, but has worked out well for me - is to pretend that I'm someone else in these situations. Usually I pretend I'm Prince Charles and just smile, act polite, and think about having big ears. It keeps me from getting too wrapped up in the drama.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 1:06 PM on August 1, 2008 [2 favorites]
I think you're making too big a deal out of this, and for some reason you've tried to involve Debbie in it too.
Don't try to contact Alice. Definitely do not try to discuss Alice with Debbie or with anyone else... how would you like it if you heard Alice was discussing you with other people?
There will be lots of people at the shower and even more at the wedding. It should be easy to avoid Alice and talk to other people. So avoid Alice insofar as you can, and when you can't, be civil and polite and move away as quickly as you can.
posted by orange swan at 5:42 PM on August 1, 2008
Don't try to contact Alice. Definitely do not try to discuss Alice with Debbie or with anyone else... how would you like it if you heard Alice was discussing you with other people?
There will be lots of people at the shower and even more at the wedding. It should be easy to avoid Alice and talk to other people. So avoid Alice insofar as you can, and when you can't, be civil and polite and move away as quickly as you can.
posted by orange swan at 5:42 PM on August 1, 2008
People change a lot in the several-years-post-college era of their lives. One thing I've learned about old friendships is that it is sadly easier (and entirely unfair) to view them in old light. If you go in there thinking that Alice is exactly the way she was several years ago, you are denying yourself the opportunity to see how this person has changed and grown. Instead, you will seek to support your confirmation bias based on an outdated description of someone you used to know. That's a sad way to live in the past.
Go to the events and marvel at how everybody has changed and grown–we're all figuring out how to distill the best parts of ourselves and ditch the icky junk. Seek out instances of that. If you have a positive mindset, you'll be pleased to discover that you've come a long way yourself.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:10 AM on August 2, 2008 [1 favorite]
Go to the events and marvel at how everybody has changed and grown–we're all figuring out how to distill the best parts of ourselves and ditch the icky junk. Seek out instances of that. If you have a positive mindset, you'll be pleased to discover that you've come a long way yourself.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:10 AM on August 2, 2008 [1 favorite]
Jessamyn said it very well:
Be courteous and gracious and don't let anyone make you feel bad. You did nothing wrong.
I think a few things are key here:
1. self-confidence. You can have a great time chatting with old friends, catching up with people, supporting Debbie, etc. regardless of how Alice comports herself. And who knows? Maybe Alice will be good. I know that you'll have that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see her and if she tries to "steal the show," but with a little deep breathing, you can be in control.
2. maturity. Greeting Alice with a friendly smile (not necessarily a hug) might make a big difference. A "hi how are you?" might disarm her a bit encourage her to do the same. This is tough, especially with ex-friends, but it's doable and the grown-up, mature path.
3. grace. Even if Alice does show up and is a turd, oh well. There will be lots of other people to chat with, and if you don't have the time of your life at this wedding, that's ok. It might be tense and slightly stressful but it's on you to make it slightly less so by being gracious and courteous.
I was in your EXACT situation a few years ago. And my Alice was a complete jerk. But with the encouragement of some other friends, and with the focus on the bride and having fun, I actually had fun. I smiled at her and that freaked her out, and I didn't trash talk her once. (Another key to maintaining civility is not drinking too much. I am glad I kept my drinking to a minimum.) My Alice and I haven't spoken since and probably won't ever again, but she didn't ruin that special event for me. As my mom always said, the only person whose behavior you can control is you.
Good luck!
posted by cachondeo45 at 9:43 AM on August 2, 2008
Be courteous and gracious and don't let anyone make you feel bad. You did nothing wrong.
I think a few things are key here:
1. self-confidence. You can have a great time chatting with old friends, catching up with people, supporting Debbie, etc. regardless of how Alice comports herself. And who knows? Maybe Alice will be good. I know that you'll have that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see her and if she tries to "steal the show," but with a little deep breathing, you can be in control.
2. maturity. Greeting Alice with a friendly smile (not necessarily a hug) might make a big difference. A "hi how are you?" might disarm her a bit encourage her to do the same. This is tough, especially with ex-friends, but it's doable and the grown-up, mature path.
3. grace. Even if Alice does show up and is a turd, oh well. There will be lots of other people to chat with, and if you don't have the time of your life at this wedding, that's ok. It might be tense and slightly stressful but it's on you to make it slightly less so by being gracious and courteous.
I was in your EXACT situation a few years ago. And my Alice was a complete jerk. But with the encouragement of some other friends, and with the focus on the bride and having fun, I actually had fun. I smiled at her and that freaked her out, and I didn't trash talk her once. (Another key to maintaining civility is not drinking too much. I am glad I kept my drinking to a minimum.) My Alice and I haven't spoken since and probably won't ever again, but she didn't ruin that special event for me. As my mom always said, the only person whose behavior you can control is you.
Good luck!
posted by cachondeo45 at 9:43 AM on August 2, 2008
it sounds to me like you still feel a bit hurt about what went down back then with alice. upset about the fact that she abandoned you even if it was a long time ago? i could be wrong.
i was in a similar situation a few years ago, i had a falling out with a girl i'd been really close to, and we hadnt spoken in a while and our mutual friend was getting married. i was dreading the friend's wedding because i was so anxious about how things would be with me and my old friend. i decided not to go. (i wasn't so close to the bride that it was too big a deal.)
but the fact was- i was still so hurt by our "break-up" i couldnt deal with seeing my ex-friend. i dont think you should abandon the wedding, but maybe acknowledge that you still feel hurt about how things went/are with alice. once you realise what you're feeling its easier to deal with.
posted by beccyjoe at 9:00 PM on August 2, 2008
i was in a similar situation a few years ago, i had a falling out with a girl i'd been really close to, and we hadnt spoken in a while and our mutual friend was getting married. i was dreading the friend's wedding because i was so anxious about how things would be with me and my old friend. i decided not to go. (i wasn't so close to the bride that it was too big a deal.)
but the fact was- i was still so hurt by our "break-up" i couldnt deal with seeing my ex-friend. i dont think you should abandon the wedding, but maybe acknowledge that you still feel hurt about how things went/are with alice. once you realise what you're feeling its easier to deal with.
posted by beccyjoe at 9:00 PM on August 2, 2008
So it's been several years since you've seen Alice, yet you "know" she's not going to be polite and gracious, and that she's going to try to outshine you?
How do you "know" all this? People can change a lot in a few years, especially when a major life transition is involved (e.g., finishing school and entering the real world).
And even if she's a total bitch at the wedding, that's neither your fault nor your problem.
posted by greenie2600 at 6:01 PM on August 3, 2008
How do you "know" all this? People can change a lot in a few years, especially when a major life transition is involved (e.g., finishing school and entering the real world).
And even if she's a total bitch at the wedding, that's neither your fault nor your problem.
posted by greenie2600 at 6:01 PM on August 3, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ND¢ at 9:32 AM on August 1, 2008