How to help my friend pick up her child internationally?
July 31, 2008 12:02 PM   Subscribe

My friend's ex-husband refuses to co-operate with his ex-wife...

A friend of mine has legal custody of her three year old daughter, who is in Japan visiting her father (he is stationed there) for the summer.

In three weeks she gets picked up - originally I was supposed to fly over and pick up the little girl, since I have the free time and some minimal language skills. Her ex-husband flat out refuses for no reason other than to inconvenience his ex-wife (he and I know each other, so this is not a case of "some stranger flying internationally with my kid").

She now has to go to Tokyo alone for three days, and she's absolutely terrified. To make matters worse, the base is two hours away from the airport and he also refuses to bring the kid to her, so she has to find a way to get there and back.

She has no idea what to do - does she have any legal recourse? How can I help my friend as she goes through this?
posted by sephira to Human Relations (16 answers total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex

 
Her husband's on a base?

A quick call to his C.O. should get the job done.
posted by availablelight at 12:13 PM on July 31, 2008 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Help by assuring her this is not as scary as she might think. There are people in Tokyo who speak English, there are hotels, there are car services. It will be work to arrange the details but there's nothing frightening about that (unless you're scared of hard work, and I must admit, that scares me a little). Help her look into the services that will help make this trip easier.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:14 PM on July 31, 2008 [1 favorite]


You're allowed to take the kid into another country, and then it's the ex's responsibility to go that country and pick them up???

That sounds wrong to me...
posted by xammerboy at 12:16 PM on July 31, 2008


Uh, wait. The husband wants the wife to pick up the kid? This doesn't on the face of it seem odd. Was it not clear initially that you were going to pick the kid up?

The bit about not meeting the wife at the airport seems right out, though.

Seconding call to CO on that second part.
posted by zippy at 12:16 PM on July 31, 2008


Seconding availablelight. If this guy wants to play dick then make the call and get a real professional to go toe to toe with him.
posted by rhizome at 12:17 PM on July 31, 2008


Consult her divorce attorney. Though there may be little they can do in this case (because he's in Japan), this may be grounds for stricter visitation requirements next time.

Also, since she does have full custody, this may be a stick she can wield to get more cooperation right now (i.e. Please co-operate or I will not allow her to visit you next time*).

And is she familiar with any of his commanding officers stateside? Can she get any help from them?

Lastly, as long as you were willing to go, why not, if all else fails, accompany your friend there? This would seem like a great way to help her.

*I hate to use a child as a pawn but if he's gonna be difficult about it, she may have no choice.
posted by cjets at 12:17 PM on July 31, 2008


I think your friend needs to see this situation as an opportunity. I have a young child but I am not divorced, yet I can't think of anything cooler than spending a few days in Tokyo with my son. Your friend should confront the trip head-on and go. Also, I believe your friend should consider what message it sends to her daughter when Mom is too scared to go pick her up. Perhaps you and your friend could make the trip together.
posted by ldenneau at 12:20 PM on July 31, 2008


Response by poster: I've taught her the very basic of what she needs to know about the language (sumimasen, kudasai, etc) and assured her that someone at her hotel at the very least will speak English.

I did not think about calling his C.O. - brilliant. Hopefully that will work.

I can't go with her because originally I was going to go and she was going to pay for my travel. Since she has to go, she can't afford two tickets, and I can't afford it myself.
posted by sephira at 12:21 PM on July 31, 2008


I think your friend needs to see this situation as an opportunity. I have a young child but I am not divorced, yet I can't think of anything cooler than spending a few days in Tokyo with my son. Your friend should confront the trip head-on and go. Also, I believe your friend should consider what message it sends to her daughter when Mom is too scared to go pick her up. Perhaps you and your friend could make the trip together.

Seconded.
posted by InsanePenguin at 12:26 PM on July 31, 2008


Her ex-husband flat out refuses for no reason other than to inconvenience his ex-wife

I'm sorry but if I had a 3 year old child, I would not even let my best friends take her on a trip back to her mother. It is not unreasonable for the father to request that someone he trusts takes control over. Is it inconvienent? Yes. Is it unreasonable? No. At first, I thought a call to the C.O. might be the best bet but, re-reading your question, the father is not requesting anything unreasonable (assuming this plan was already made before the child was shipped to Japan and he isn't violating any custody arrangements) so a call to the C.O. would not be approriate; a C.O. is not around to play referee over a custody spat.

Japan loves Americans, especially cute little american kids. She will be able to easily find people who speak English and will be able to arrange the car services, taxis, and other services necessary for her to pick up her child. Going to Toyko is not like going to Baghdad - it is a large, low crime, incredibly modern, and english friendly city. Your friend can buy a plane ticket, get a hotel room, and pick up her kid. It won't be a walk in the park but it's not that difficult to do.

If the ex-husband is violating terms of the custody arragement, then tell your friend to get her lawyer involved and then take the lawyers advice.
posted by Stynxno at 12:27 PM on July 31, 2008


cjets is correct about consulting with her attorney. cjets is incorrect in suggesting that she restrict or prevent future visitations, as that kind of action is not looked upon kindly by the family court system. having sole custody doesn't mean you can dictate visitation requirements.

i also suspect that the co won't be able to do much. this is just another offshoot fight from their divorce, and no one in their right mind is going to want to get in the middle of it. the co might have a talk with the ex husband, but really can't enforce anything related to the divorce.
posted by lester at 12:30 PM on July 31, 2008


Japan is a fun, exciting country that is wealthier and more modern than most of America. Moreover, Japanese people are wonderfully hospitable and friendly toward foreigners...at least for casual, short-term interactions (the fact that it's very difficult for gaijin to be fully accepted and integrated fully into Japanese society in the long-term is not relevant to your friend's situation).

Tell your friend to enjoy the trip and broaden her perspective.
posted by randomstriker at 12:32 PM on July 31, 2008


a call to the C.O. would not be approriate; a C.O. is not around to play referee over a custody spat

That was my first reaction too. In fact calling the CO is the nuclear option that could result in a lot of long-term embarrassment and severely limit this fellow's career. Use it as a last resort.
posted by randomstriker at 12:36 PM on July 31, 2008


Agreed that a call to his CO should be the option of last resort, but there may be services available on base there that might make the transportation/handoff easier, and she should check into that.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:46 PM on July 31, 2008


originally I was supposed to fly over and pick up the little girl

Having read the responses, it now appears that you haven't really spelled out the facts or the problem. Who "supposed" that you would pick up the little girl? Was it agreed between the parents, or did the father expect that the mother would pick her up?

Was the original plan for the father to deliver the child back to the US (which would seem most normal), and did something military cause the plan to change? Is the father unable to cooperate or even to bring the child to Tokyo? Did he explicitly admit he only wants to inconvenience the mother, or is this your interpretation?

If the father just wants the mother to pick up the child as part of a pre-agreed arrangement (and as Idenneau said, quite a fun adventure for most people), then he's doing nothing wrong. All he'd be doing is not allowing you to substitute for the mother.

If on the other hand, he's violating an explicit agreement, then the mother's divorce lawyer should be involved. Although as lester says, she should never take unilateral action in a divorce, lack of cooperation by the father might be an important factor in future custody negotiations.

Did the mother really ask you to get advice from AskMeFi??? Surely she's consulted her attorney already. I think you're holding out on us.
posted by JimN2TAW at 12:47 PM on July 31, 2008


Response by poster: It was agreed by both of them (verbally) that I would pick her up, until he changed his mind.

He admitted that he wanted to make this as difficult as possible for her.

No, she didn't ask me to get advice from the hive, I took it upon myself to ask for advice on how to help her.
posted by sephira at 12:51 PM on July 31, 2008


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