Should I ask my "friend" if she wants to have casual sex with me?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
Here's a bit of a gen-X versus gen-Y dillema for y'all.
I'm a 36 y/o single guy. About 2 years ago, I met this 24 y/o girl in a pub we both frequent. I found her very physically attractive, and she's very charming, but, at first, I never even considered the possibility that she would have any interest in an older guy like me. But after a month or so of casually chatting and drinking with her, one night, after quite a lot of beer, we ended up sleeping together.
At the time, I didn't take it too seriously, and the most I was hoping for was that we could have some kind of "friends with benefits" arrangement. We were both single, and (seemingly) attracted to each other. I thought that she thought the same way. But then she started to say things that made me think she wanted more. She started telling me how much she liked me and talking about dating, but there was always some excuse why it had to wait. I switched off the "friends with benefits" thoughts and started to think of her as a ... a potential girlfriend.
After several months of being told "yes, but not yet", I guess I started to appear too desperate and turned her off. I ended up getting the "sorry, but I can't give you what you want" talk.
We remained friends, and have become very close friends. Getting to know her better, my feelings have become much stronger. She knows this. I have been very clear with her. And I know she has some kind of feeling for me. But she has said she just wants to be young and have fun and not get into anything serious. I can understand that. Another factor is that she has some medical complications which make her feel like she has to have as much fun as she can, while she can.
She is quite promiscuous, and often tells me about the guys (or girls) she has been seeing. This hurts me a lot to hear, but I know that we are "just friends" so I nod and smile and tell her to have fun, but look after herself.
It's a difficult situation.
So, a few nights ago, she was telling me about a guy we both know that she had a brief fling with, but she ended it when he started to get too serious. She was saying things to me like "I just want sex", "I love sex" and "Why can't I find a guy who doesn't take it seriously?". These comments floored me at the time. I didn't know how to respond. She wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know. But it's very confusing to hear someone you are attracted to say things like that to you, when they have been telling you "no" for 2 years.
I am in two minds about the whole thing. My logical mind knows that there is no way we could be more than friends, mainly due to the fact that we are in different stages in our lives. But the emotional part of me, my heart, still yearns for her.
But after her comments the other night, I am wondering whether I should try get back to what I originally was wanting from her - friends with benefits. Hey, I like sex too, and could certainly do with some more. And hearing her say those things has kinda solidified the thought that she is not "partner material" for me..... But, I still like her.
I have been thinking about it a lot. She seems to have some rule about "no sex with people who care about me", which I can understand, in her current mind-set. She doesn't want to risk the friendship. But I do think, that after all we've been through, and the fact that we both understand what each other want, that maybe it could actually be a good thing for us. It might even bring us closer together as friends. At the very least, it would relieve a lot of tension. There is a LOT of tension there on my behalf, since we just had that one night together, and I was hoping for so much more.
So, what do you think, hive mind? Putting aside the fact that I would quite likely be shot down in flames, do you think I should suggest that we have casual sex? Or at least let her know that I am open to it and that I fully understand that she doesn't want any emotional overhead? Or is she right in not wanting to go there because it might endanger our friendship?
(And yes, before you ask, I would most definitely wear protection.)