25 Years and Counting

July 22, 2008 11:02 AM

How to lessen a friendship?

We've been friends for 25 years--met in kindergarten. As we've gotten older, I've found her to be pretty intolerable. As adults, I find that she is dominating, obnoxious, arrogant and the like. I just don't enjoy talking to her, however, I do not want to end this friendship. I would like to lessen it to catching up once a year or so. We live in different cities and currently talk every month or so. How do I discreetly minimize this friendship?

posted by anonymous to human relations (12 comments total)

Who calls who? If you two take turns calling each other, miss your call next time. Because you're trying to be subtle, call her a couple weeks later with "oh you know how it is, life caught up with me" or something like that as an excuse. Rinse and repeat when it's your turn again.

In all likelihood, after a few of these late calls, she'll react passive aggressively and do the same to you. Before you know it, you'll be talking every other month and then maybe every few months.

I'm sadly very good at doing this to people whose friendship I actually want to maintain.
posted by JaredSeth at 11:12 AM on July 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

If she's always calling you, then screening your calls and failing to return them can also help. You can stretch the period out to every two months this way without it being really obvious.

Would you consider not sending her a birthday card or email when it's her birthday? Because that tactic can eliminate one entire cycle of catching-up. But, it could also end things abruptly if she's the sort to take offense.
posted by cabingirl at 12:07 PM on July 22, 2008

Yes, it's very easy to let friendships slide, whether you want to or not. Just delay your responses - wait a week or more to answer emails or phone calls. As it is you're only talking once a month; maybe she would like to minimize the friendship as much as you. Chances are you'll drift apart faster than you expect and be down to annual form letters at Christmastime by next year.
posted by Quietgal at 12:11 PM on July 22, 2008

Act honestly. If you don't want to talk to her, don't call her. If she calls and you don't want to have a long conversation, cut it short. If you treat her in a way that is in line with how you feel about her, the friendship will naturally decay, and probably with a lack of animosity or drama.

I am suprised that you'd want to remain friends with someone you describe in such negative terms.
posted by millipede at 1:31 PM on July 22, 2008 [5 favorites]

What millipede said. Being honest about it will, in the long run, stress you out less than being passive aggressive about it.
posted by By The Grace of God at 1:38 PM on July 22, 2008

Only answer the phone once a year.

Or channel her communications to email exclusively--and direct them out of your inbox and into a folder that you only read when you feel like it.
posted by sondrialiac at 3:25 PM on July 22, 2008

Put more effort into developing other friends & interests so that you will be too busy and will naturally put less into this friendship. If it gets to the point where she asks, tell her you've gotten busier, developed more interests, and would like to maintain contact, but not necessarily quite as often. Be as kind as you can be while staying honest.
posted by theora55 at 3:27 PM on July 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

I say when they call always tell them about your problem and asking them to help you out. Really attempt to exploit the friendship so the person will just right you off.
posted by Rolandkorn at 7:27 PM on July 22, 2008

Had a similarly awkward situation. I just stopped picking up calls, replying to SMSes or emails. The guy never really got the hint, he still keeps calling me once every week or so. Understand that you might really feel guilty while doing this, with some sort of pity towards her. But stick to it if you think it's necessary. Just be really careful you don't bump into her like I did, the next few minutes won't be the most fun.
posted by cyanide at 8:59 PM on July 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

I've been on the receiving end of the kind of stonewalling cyanide recommends, not so long ago, and it did not discreetly minimize the friendship. It ended the friendship, and I still hope that someday my former friend will fall into a sewer and be swept out to sea.

If you still want this domineering person to catch up with you once a year or so (for whatever reason), then be more and more sluggish in returning phone calls, but do return them at least occasionally. To completely and suddenly shut her out would be unkind.
posted by sculpin at 5:56 PM on July 23, 2008 [1 favorite]

You might want to check out this question. Not to brag, but I was pretty proud of my response, and I would say the same thing for you.
posted by mynameismandab at 9:40 PM on July 23, 2008

I'm sticking with my answer to "this question" - just be cordial, but busy. If mutual friends ask about ol' so and so, just say you haven't heard much from her lately. If your mom wants to know what's going with you dear childhood pal, just say blah blah this last thing I knew blah blah...

If you happen to run into each other at someone's baby shower or whatever, you can be polite, but not close.

It's your life. If you've know her all these years, she must or should know enough about you to not be so dominating, obnoxious, and arrogant to you. If that sounds like I'm saying "she started it!" I am. Either she no longer deserves your full-time friendship, or you're not telling the whole truth (this is the Devil's Advocate speaking) and being close with you is no picnic and she's better off.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 10:25 PM on July 23, 2008 [1 favorite]