Prob NSFW: What are the most tactful/smooth ways to ask if a new casual sex partner has an STD?

July 21, 2008 8:02 PM

Proabably NSFW: What are the most tactful/smooth ways to ask if a new casual sex partner has an STD?

The girlfriend who I adore just broke up with me a few weeks ago. I imagine it will be awhile before I feel that strongly about anyone else. In the meantime, I'll be chasing flings and one night stands.

I am STD-free and I want to stay that way but still have some casual sex. How does one tactfully ask if a girl is STD-free? Regardless of how the new fling responds to this question, condom use will be mandatory (I think it's my right to know if I am putting myself at risk with a new partner). Fwiw, I am a 31 year old guy in a good city for singles. I plan on picking up girls at bars out late on weekend nights (Not my favorite way to get sex but it certainly seems like the easiest/fastest and you know what you are getting in terms of physical attractiveness (as opposed to craigslist)).

-How do you phrase this question without sounding clinical? Previous attempts back in the day were minor buzzkills.
-How do you phrase this question so it doesn't sound like you are assuming she might have an STD? My impression is that this is not a common pre-hookup question (I want to get laid, not sound like a judgmental shithead)
-When is the best time to pose this question? In the bedroom right before things are about to happen? Earlier? Later?
-Is asking if a new partner is clean a pointless question? What I mean is "should one put any stock in the answer a new casual partner says?" After several drinks at a pickup bar I would assume many people would say just about anything.
-barely off topic: Are blowjobs with condoms a practice that actually happens? A blowjob through a condom doesn't sound that enjoyable for me or her. Should one just scratch oral sex off the list for safety's sake?

posted by anonymous to human relations (20 comments total)

"Before we get too far along, I want to let you know I last got tested for STDs in _______, and my results were _______. What about you?"
posted by roger ackroyd at 8:09 PM on July 21, 2008 [3 favorites]

You really have no reason to trust what anyone you have just met tells you. This is a risk of casual sex, and why condoms have such a big market. People have casual sex so they don't have to have serious conversations.
Good luck.
posted by greta simone at 8:10 PM on July 21, 2008

"Do you have any STDs?" would work for me. Alternatively, if this is more than a one night stand you can suggest going to a clinic and getting tested together. It is a common pre-hook-up question particularly if it is a casual one time hook-up. It's always always always always better to use a condom.
posted by MeetMegan at 8:10 PM on July 21, 2008

"Hey, I hate to ask this, but...when was the last time you got tested?" Be direct, and just ask in a friendly way. You definitely do not want to have sex with anyone who finds this question an uncomfortable one. People who think you're being a judgmental shithead for asking a smart question are wrong and will eventually get hilarious bouts of ThunderCrabs and probably have herpes already. Besides, what if you were the kind of guy who regularly had casual, unsafe sex? It's better for everyone involved to be careful and honest.

That said, people do fib, people have a capacity for self-delusion, and many STDs do not show up on tests for some time, so always wear a condom. You never know. People who shrink at the idea of wearing a condom when having casual sex are not people you want to have sex with, because you can safely deduce that you would not be the first person to have sex with them, which is blecch.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:14 PM on July 21, 2008

It kind of depends on how casual the hookup is. If it's really just nice casually mutually-agreeable sex, then it's pretty non-awkward to come out with the Statement of Testing. Trouble is, if it's really just a hookup, what would you say if she says "no, haven't been tested." Is the sex off, then? Even if the sexual chemistry is really, really, really good and you're planning to use a condom anyway? But then again, are you REALLY going to call her/return her calls in two weeks? As long as she's reasonably sure, it's pretty easy for her to talk herself into saying "sure, I'm all good" and meaning it.

There is something to be said for making The Statement -- it's a responsible thing to do, and you're contributing to the normalcy of it being brought up. So, for the greater good, say it. Oh, and it should happen after the threshold of certain intentions but before clothes get rearranged or removed.

Are blowjobs with condoms a practice that actually happens?

Not really, unless someone has had a really, really, really bad experience with STDs and is therefore willing to suck on latex on principle. But realistically, no. On the plus side, the chances of you getting an STD from getting blown are pretty minuscule.
posted by desuetude at 8:26 PM on July 21, 2008

Is asking if a new partner is clean a pointless question? What I mean is "should one put any stock in the answer a new casual partner says?"

My assumption is that it is pretty pointless. A lot of people with STDs don't know they have them -- only someone who has had a positive test and is honest will say "yes" to your question. And people don't totally agree about the parameters of who has or doesn't have an STD: what about someone who had one outbreak of herpes ten years ago? or who might have a non-warty variety of HPV?

I always asked, but not really anticipating any answer other than "no," and not really trusting that answer -- the point was more to flag the issue, and signal an interest in safer sex. I found the least awkward moment to ask was after kissing and some clothes had started to come off (so the question can't be met with the killer "no, but why are you asking?"), but before any parts go into any other parts.

So sure, ask away, but don't fool yourself that asking protects you from any STDs (if anything, asking will give you false confidence and lead you to take more risks).

Are blowjobs with condoms a practice that actually happens?

Not in my experience, but you may have partners who insist on that. It's one of those accommodations to human behavior -- oral sex is relatively low risk, while oral + condom feels way worse than oral without a condom, so no one is really battling for latex blowjobs. Whereas vaginal and anal sex are higher risk and a condom is not as intrusive, so that battle is worth having from a public health point of view. It's a risk/reward tradeoff.

You are maybe just a couple of years too young to remember, but at the peak of the safe sex campaigns (especially on college campuses), there were a few years where they were advocating dental dams, "finger cots," rubber gloves, and on and on and on. Those things turned out to be really intrusive in the bedroom, while not preventing a lot of diseases, so you don't see those things playing much of a role in safe sex outreach anymore.

The really slippery slope, in my experience, is not oral but rather the easy progression from snuggling to rubbing things together to "well, I'll just put it in a little bit." Because if you are ok with having her rub her wet parts up and down your shaft, how much riskier could it be to just get that little bit more close? That, not oral, is where you have your tricky judgment calls and risky behavior.
posted by Forktine at 9:03 PM on July 21, 2008

Sticherbeast has it. "When was the last time you were tested?" is how I usually put it (I'm a straight female, your age).

Re: timing the question, just be sure to ask after it's clear you're going to actually have sex. For me, I don't think asking is the shithead move, or that it implies you've come to the conclusion that she has one, but it's monumentally more awkward if I haven't really decided yet where things are going. Which kind of hits your timing question. I personally don't like the presumption that just because you've left the bar together, you're definitely going to have sex. It's certainly on the table but anything can happen and there is a LOT that gets determined on the way home and in the pre-game. So I'd wait to broach the topic until you've been making out and it is *clear* that you're actually going to do it. I think it says a lot about who you are as a person that you're bringing it up before you have sex with someone new - it's a very responsible choice and conveys same to them. So it may not be the most reliable response (and obvs regardless of the response you've got to use protection), but as desuetude said, it makes The Statement which looks good for you and helps to normalize the conversation for everyone.

And re: the blowjobs with condoms, oh dear lord no. Although someone with more knowledge than I should probably weigh in on the herpes issue. I think the mouth one/"coldsores" can get transferred and vice versa? Yeesh.
posted by smallstatic at 9:20 PM on July 21, 2008

My first response would be to say "Don't waste your time asking". Sure, it may make the moment seem more reasonable and socially acceptable - but in the end it does nothing to keep yourself safe. Protect yourself. But then, that's not your question.

Not to out myself, but...

1. You phrase the question by asking, quite bluntly, "Do you have any STD's?" Sorry, but it's your health. Say it with a quirky smile on your face if you have to. Parlay it with some seductive touching if that makes you feel less awkward.

2. The best time to pose this question is as soon as the clothes are off. This may be open to debate, but it's the crux of the moment that is important. If you're willing to walk away at this point, then you win. Since you're just looking for sex at this point, who cares if you get the wrong answer? Tis very important to think with your cerebrum at this point... not the 'other' head.

3. People will say anything to get laid. And then some. Trust me. See link above. It doesn't matter if you're straight or gay.
posted by matty at 9:26 PM on July 21, 2008

The really slippery slope, in my experience, is not oral but rather the easy progression from snuggling to rubbing things together to "well, I'll just put it in a little bit." Because if you are ok with having her rub her wet parts up and down your shaft, how much riskier could it be to just get that little bit more close? That, not oral, is where you have your tricky judgment calls and risky behavior.

This brings up a good point, you can sort of combine this question with the breathy "what about birth control..." question that usually comes up at about the same time. So, ask before you're doing something that could accidentally impregnate her (and from what you've read on AskMe, that could be nearly anything....) and make sure you have condoms on you (or at your place) if you want to be using them. If you meet a girl on Norplant or the pill, insisting on using them is going to be a little more difficult and will make it much less likely that potential partners have them handy.

It's almost easier to bring this stuff up if you DO have an STD and are responsible about it (incidentally: do you have a ready answer to this? Been tested recently?) because you've likely given the spiel a bunch and you sort of know how people are likely to take it. If you have any friends with herpes or HPV, you can ask them how they approach it. I have a good friend with HPV and when I was uncertain about this myself she gave me some good advice about it.

Are blowjobs with condoms a practice that actually happens?

Rarely, but back in the day when people were basically advocating that you saran wrap anything vaguely moist, they did happen, and they weren't that great.

That said, any sex is a little risky because people have incomplete information about themselves in addition to all the other reasons people have given. Being straightforward about this stuff is a decent way to go forward and will also make it clear just what sort of sex you're looking for which is always a good idea in my book.
posted by jessamyn at 9:26 PM on July 21, 2008

I don't think asking is that big of a deal, after all, if you do ask it shows that you're concerned about that sort of thing and therefore lower-risk yourself.
posted by delmoi at 9:39 PM on July 21, 2008

You want to ask before you are in a position where you would find it difficult to walk away if she said yes.

For example, if you wait until you are both naked in her bed, and then ask, what do you do if she then says something like, "Oh, I had herpes once, but it's not a big deal, and I'm not contagious now?" Are you going to believe her that she's safe (don't) or are you going to put on your clothes and leave while she's offended and pissed at you?

Even with a condom it's still pretty easy to catch herpes or HPV -- both incurable -- because the condom doesn't cover the entire affected area. An infected person doesn't always know that they're infected, or when they're contagious, and women who have a lot of one-night standards have a much higher probability of having one or both than less promiscuous women.

So even if she tells you what she thinks the truth is, she might still give you a disease.

If you really do plan to pick up a lot of women in bars for one-night stands then you should probably resign yourself to the fact that you will likely catch herpes and/or HPV someday and have it for the rest of your life. Still use condoms because they will reduce your risk, but don't be surprised when you catch something.

The good news is it's very difficult for a heterosexual man to catch HIV from vaginal intercourse with a condom.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:55 PM on July 21, 2008

I agree with delmoi, you are definitely less threatening if you talk about the last time you both got tested and use a condom.

I'll never forget the time I was close to having sex with someone, and made a dive for the condom whilst saying "you've been tested recently, right?" and they said "oh, it's ok, we don't need one.". That was the end of that, I'll tell ya!
posted by sunshinesky at 4:44 AM on July 22, 2008

Are blowjobs with condoms a practice that actually happens?

I've only ever heard of that practice as being common with prostitutes. It's not something I have ever heard of outside of that, although never having been near a prostitute it may not even be that widespread there, but I suspect it is. But I've never even heard it discussed/mentioned as a possibility outside that context.

As for the rest? I don't think I'd trust anyone's word that was anywhere close to being in the 'casual fling' department. I'd certainly ask first, though. The "I was tested, were you?" one seems the least confrontational. You're offering information openly and non-judgmentally, to put their mind at rest, so it leaves the emphasis on them without "You look nasty, do you itch a lot?" kind of statements.
posted by Brockles at 5:04 AM on July 22, 2008

To add another wrinkle of complication to this, saying "I was tested" or "have you been tested?" means very different things to different people. Minimally, it usually means HIV testing; sometimes people include syphilis and gonorrhea, plus chlamydia and a few others; men can't (I think) be tested for HPV, while a younger woman may have had the vaccine and may not; and so on. I've had a number of STD screenings, but I'm pretty sure I was never tested for herpes, for example.

And different doctors and different clinics have very different protocols for what they include on a standard STD test, for when you show up with no symptoms but want to be reassured that you are clean. There is not one, clear, national or international standardized package of tests -- it is ad hoc and imperfect, plus the person who is tested may misunderstand what they were tested for and what they weren't.

Meaning that the person can tell you with an absolutely straight face that "yes, I was tested just last week and everything was negative" but may still be able to give you a surprise. And there are plenty of people who believe things like "I donate blood, and they wouldn't let me do that if I had a disease, so therefore I've been tested for STDs," and they will say "yes I was tested" but it's totally a misunderstanding of what testing means.

So ask, but don't give the answer a lot of weight. And like was mentioned above, asking implies that you have a good answer yourself -- not just "hey, I've only had sex with three girls and they said they were tested so I'm sure I'm cool."

Finally, asking brings up the possibility that someone will say, "well, now that you ask..." and tell you about having had an outbreak of something six years ago but it went away with treatment and hasn't come back, and therefore they aren't infectious right now. How are you going to handle that kind of honesty? Grabbing your pants and running? Oral but not fucking?

You need to think about how to handle the answers before you ask.
posted by Forktine at 6:15 AM on July 22, 2008

Straightforward, honest question. "No offence but I always ask...", for instance.

Also, whatever the answer, use. a. condom. Not only does it only protect you from fluid-induced STDs (not contact-induced ones, like herpes), but also you need a 3 months saefty window between two negative HIV tests to be certain you don't have it—and no need to suggest how rarely do people do that. Therefore, they rarely know for sure.

If you're serious about STDs, use a condom with sex partners, unless you've been together for long enough to trust each other.

Oral sex is perfectly fine without condoms, but contact-induced STDs loom large. That said, if everyone is honest, you can have a great time.
posted by meso at 8:09 AM on July 22, 2008

I would vote for assuming that every casual partner has every disease. Your health is your responsibility. If a casual partner lies and says they have nothing or doesn't know they have something, and you engage in unsafe sex and catch something, it was your choice to take that risk.

What if they do have an STI? Do you know what's risky and what's not? Would you feel safe having safe sex with them anyway?

Safer Sex Menu - This gives a nice run-down of what is high-risk, low-risk with regards to HIV.
posted by heatherann at 8:45 AM on July 22, 2008

To expand on Forktine´s comment, the std testing that´s often offered as an optional part of a woman´s gyno exam doesn´t generally include testing for HIV, HPV, or herpes. Also, some people never bother to actually check what their results were if they were tested.
posted by yohko at 9:32 AM on July 22, 2008

One-night stands are too dangerous to take chances. Use a condom, period.

If you're determined to take chances, make an STD question part of your standard up-front, good-faith queries, beginning with "Are you on the pill?" or "Where are you in your menstrual cycle?" Once you break the ice, an STD question follows naturally.
posted by KRS at 11:58 AM on July 22, 2008

Anonymous already said that condoms would be mandatory.

Incidentally, KRS, I think "Where are you in your menstrual cycle?" would be a rather weird thing to hear. I would assume that the guy was squicked by blood and wanted to make absolutelyfuckingsure that there would be none of it. (Or, perhaps conversely, had a kink for blood.)
posted by desuetude at 12:24 PM on July 22, 2008

Herpes and HPV generally aren't tested for unless you come up with some bumps on your genitalia. Those are NOT in any default STD screening groupings. And unless you get specific tests (or in the case of men, you can't for HPV at all), you won't know if you have either one of those and just happened to not manifest any bumps/worse. It happens.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:44 AM on July 23, 2008