How to "Find Yourself" or get comfortable in your own skin?

July 16, 2008 8:49 AM

How to "Find Yourself" or get comfortable in your own skin?

From an earlier question I asked (How can I stop caring what other people think or might think about me?), I've come to the conclusion one of the answers is to "Find Yourself" or find a way to be comfortable in my own skin or be okay with who I am.

I'm looking for experiences that might teach that -- boot camp style adventures, outward bound type programs, adversity experiments (such as getting yourself "lost" in the woods and finding you're more capable than you think) etc. (Also books, cds, dvds)

Anyone have any recommendations? Any and all welcome!

Thanks in advance, all.

posted by gb77 to human relations (15 comments total)

I find that athletic and/or competitive pursuits bring that kind of self-actualization thing out in people. But, of course, YMMV.

So, perhaps consider joining a local sporting league? Softball, soccer ("football" for the UK folks), ultimate disc... there's lots of choices.
posted by Citrus at 8:58 AM on July 16, 2008

For me it's being alone with myself. Maybe it's because of my introverted nature or just that being alone with yourself allows you to find yourself. Either way halfway through a 12 mile hike in the middle of nowhere, you come to some realizations about who you are as a person.
posted by sanka at 9:01 AM on July 16, 2008

(such as getting yourself "lost" in the woods and finding you're more capable than you think)

Don't do that. The only thing you'll discover is that modern man doesn't have nearly enough fur to keep himself warm at night.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:02 AM on July 16, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Don't do that. The only thing you'll discover is that modern man doesn't have nearly enough fur to keep himself warm at night.

Already done it, and you're right, but I did find it an enlightening experience -- both about the fur and about how quickly one's concept of "comfort" can change.

GB
posted by gb77 at 9:05 AM on July 16, 2008

I would recommend keeping a journal of some kind - one of the things that helps keep me comfortable in my own skin is knowing what my own skin actually is, and that requires regular self-examination. I don't do all of it in writing, although I think writing is helpful, and probably easier to start with. But the important thing, for me, is to get to the point where I understand what I'm actually thinking and feeling, instead of just... reacting.

A lot of it involves having imaginary conversations (and this part I tend to do out loud, in the car, or in the bath - YMMV) - I tend to have really useful insights about something that's troubling me if I'm "explaining" it to someone else in my head. I also have the kinds of difficult conversations that aren't always productive in person (telling a friend that she's actually more trouble than she's worth, for example) - I get the emotional release of processing my feelings without the actual drama of enacting the scene.

If I *don't* do this, I tend to react to situations in ways that surprise me - usually in a bad way - and that makes me tend to doubt and distrust myself. Or I get too emotionally involved in a situation to think about it logically, and that seldom ends well. I tend to think of it as being my own therapist - you get what you pay for, of course, but the simple act of articulation can be really helpful.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:15 AM on July 16, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

As a teenager I had zero confidence and hated myself like you wouldn't believe. I'm now quite confident and though I wouldn't say I "love myself" (in fact, I hate the mere phrase), I would say I am comfortable with who I am, that I have faith in my own judgment (when it's informed and considered that is), that I know my own potential and limits and work with them, not against them. Being comfortable in your own skin is akin to being comfortable in your own home. If you're comfortable in whatever building you live in, and are making the best of its particular good points and the flaws, then you have all you need to live a happy life in it. And actually ideally you wouldn't think very much about the house itself. You'd do what's necessary to maintain and improve it, and otherwise just concentrate on living your life.

I never did any of the outward bound type things that you list. What I did do was move out of my parents' home and go away to school. My mother is a very critical, perfectionist person and it did me a world of good to be on my own and able to do my own thing without anyone hectoring me or taking over whatever I was doing completely because I wasn't doing it to her standards.

Then I followed my own interests. I completed six years of post-secondary education, got into a line of work that I enjoy and am good at, bought a home of my own. I've developed lots of skills. I can sew a dress, paint a room, make a stained glass lampshade, write an essay, install new kitchen cupboards, make a mean bacon tomato quiche, do my own taxes, draw a realistic portrait, hike for hours without tiring. Every new skill that I learn gives me a buzz of satisfaction, and an increased feeling of mastery over my own life and the world around me.

So I'd say it doesn't matter specifically what you do. Distance yourself from overly critical people, and do whatever it is you want to do.
posted by orange swan at 9:20 AM on July 16, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Your questions (this and previous ones) follow a pattern that I recognize. I think you know what you want, know what would make you happy, but are afraid to go after it. Think about that. Why can't you go get what you want? Why can't you just take it? Being comfortable means being happy, and having or going after what you want.

PM me if this makes no sense.
posted by mpls2 at 9:45 AM on July 16, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Running Lots does the trick for me.
posted by smalls at 9:48 AM on July 16, 2008

Spending time with yourself is good, but it can only take you so far. Journaling is also excellent (as is the suggestion above to have imaginary conversations; I do this a lot and it's very helpful to hear myself process things), but I've found that the level of self-awareness involved can sometimes overwhelm and confuse me. The exercise of reflecting is good as long as you have something to reflect about, but introspection just for the sake of introspection isn't consistently helpful by itself. If I'm having a weak moment, examining myself too closely can even make my insecurities persist longer than necessary.

The best thing is to just get out there and do something far outside of your usual comfort zone, even if it scares you or goes against the way you've trained yourself to act. Forget who you are (or who you think you are, as the case may be) for a while and don't think -- just act. Let go of any fear that's holding you back; it's all in your head. (I have to tell myself this a lot. It's a hard thing to make yourself understand until you suddenly realize you've been acting fearlessly and you're still OK.) And, most importantly, do something with people. You can be yourself by yourself all day, every day and still not know who you are when you're around other people. In my experience, getting comfortable around others makes me infinitely more comfortable with myself when I'm alone. It nips the social anxiety right in the bud so that it doesn't have a chance to fester when I'm having a solitary moment. That anxiety is usually all that stands between me, myself and I when I'm trying to find who I am.

(Unfortunately I can't mention here what specifically worked for me, but if you're interested in what turned me around, send me a mail.)
posted by phatkitten at 10:18 AM on July 16, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

As I've become older, my ability to be comfortable with myself is directly proportional to my willingness to help others through volunteer work. In my case, I've done work with troubled teens and recovering addicts and alcoholics. There is lots to do out there. Consider offering some of your time to Big Brothers, Big Sisters or to a local hospital; take an interest in animal rescue; Meals on Wheels or a similar program is a great way to get your feet wet.

The whole point being when you get out of yourself, you aren't thinking about you. We don't have time to worry about what others think about us, whether we're making the grade, or when we're getting that next plasma TV. When I am with someone less fortunate than me, it helps me realize what a great life I have. My skin fits very well.
posted by netbros at 10:25 AM on July 16, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I agree with the idea of putting yourself outside of your comfort zone. It can even be something small; for example, I have always hated running, but in my daily morning walks I started to insert a few brief periods where I ran for a while. It was a small push, but I learned a few things: that I am too prone to giving up on something if I am not perfect at it right away, and that when I fight that urge and push myself I can do better than I expected. I didn't expect to be perfect and run a mile (or half a mile, or um, a quarter of a mile) right off the bat, but for some reason I am still disappointed in myself for not being able to do that.

Learning that about myself was valuable information. In a larger sense, some of the things I find out are good and affirming, others are not necessarily bad but more like potential projects. Regardless, I understand myself better, and I give myself a chance to show that I can in fact improve myself once I employ some introspection. Little by little, over time, I have indeed started to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how old you are, but I really think life experience brings that out in a person, as well. And I suppose pushing yourself out of your comfort zones falls under "life experience".

Conversely, I have found too that engaging in hobbies or activities that I enjoy and am good at also helps. That in itself is confidence-building and it feels good to know there are things for which you have a talent or affinity.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 11:44 AM on July 16, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Seconding Netbros, I found volunteer work a strongly formative experience after I left university. Work takes up most of our time, but is hopelessly tangled up with the need to earn money. Working for free clarifies the intrinsic psychological - even spiritual - value of work. It's important to have a reason to work that isn't to do with making money, and volunteer can provide that. Plus, you help others, and even a little of that takes some of the sting out of the "what have I ever done of genuine worth?" headscratcher.

In terms of organising one's thoughts, keeping a private diary helps.
posted by WPW at 12:27 PM on July 16, 2008

I agree that this only happens through out-of-comfort-zone experience. And experience means total immersion; it DOESN'T mean dipping your toes in the water and then saying, "Okay, I tried that. Moving on..."

There's not much more I (or anyone else, I'm guessing) can say, because your comfort zone is unique to you. But I'm guessing you know what makes you uncomfortable.

For me, the biggies were: moving (far) away from my parents, taking various jobs that involved massive amounts of leadership and public speaking (pretty scary for an introvert like me), moving to a city where I had no support network and getting married.

I'm skeptical that you grow much via, say, trying some food you don't think you'll like. That's the sort of thing I meant by "dipping your toes in the water." I don't mean that you can only grow by doing massive, life-changing things (though it sure helps). I mean you can't grow much by trying something just once. If you try something just once, you'll either wind up saying, "Huh? Surprise. I actually like it" or "Yuck! Not for me!" I guess you'll have learned whether or not you like something, but that's not real growth. Real growth comes through forming a relationship with something. Through integrating something into your personality. It doesn't come from checking something off a checklist.

(I am not a person who has visited New York; I'm a New Yorker. I'm not someone who has tried to direct a play; I'm a director. I'm not someone who has gone on a date; I'm a husband...)

So if you try French Cuisine and hate it, that's nothing. If you try it, hate it, and keep trying it until you learn to love it -- or until you know you'll jump off a ledge if you ever have to try it again -- THAT'S something!
posted by grumblebee at 12:57 PM on July 16, 2008 [7 favorites has favorites]

Stop occasionally and feel happy.

It's not something which happens naturally; sometimes you have to take a moment to appreciate that you are feeling happy. Stop beating yourself up about who you are not and be happy: that's who you are.
posted by BadMiker at 3:41 PM on July 16, 2008

I found myself in Africa. (Who knew I was hiding here? I sure didn't.)

I spent most of my 20's living around NYC and traveling a lot for work, mostly in the US, doing the typical corporate gig. I was mostly engaged and kept busy with lots of volunteering and such, but there was always something missing.

Then I started reading a lot in depth about the crisis in Darfur. Then I decided I wanted to find a way to come and help. Then I did.

I'm different now. I don't really know how to explain it. I've seen a lot of things that have changed me. I think I'm still probably pretty much the same introvert I always was, but at the same time even that's changed - I like being around people more now. I think. I'm definitely a more emotionally available person - I feel as though I'm more sensitive to people's feelings (yuck!) than I was before - they seem more valid to my cold, logical, realist, calculating mind.

I'm much more concerned about how I can make a difference for the most marginalized people on the planet. I haven't completely shifted my focus off of myself - I don't even think that's really possible - but every little bit that I have been able to has made me more...me. I know now that this is what I'm supposed to be doing - this is who I was destined to be.

Warning: finding your self might not be easy. It might not be the best thing that ever happened to you either. It might entail giving some things up. I know it did for me (for a long time, I thought the thing that was missing in my life was someone else, another person in my life. It took me so many years and moving halfway around the planet to finally realize that it was actually *ME* that was missing from the equation.).

Finding yourself might be the most difficult thing you ever do. But I can promise you this - if you do find your self, you will not regret it.

Thanks, AskMe, for helping me. I don't think I would have found me without you.
posted by allkindsoftime at 3:04 AM on July 17, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]