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July 14, 2008 12:06 PM

How do I sound like the intelligent and mature person that I am?

Obviously, people judge others based on how they sound and how well they articulate their thoughts.

I consider myself an educated, well-read, and interesting person. However, I am having trouble conveying my thoughts eloquently in conversation. I am also increasingly convinced that the way I sound is working against me.

My voice has an overly airy quality and I've been told I talk with unnecessary inflections. I understand that this makes me sound somewhat silly and vapid. I tend to discuss topics with a sarcastic or flippant attitude. If I self-analyze, I think I slipped into this way of talking because of my insecurity -- I wouldn't think that whatever I would be contributing to the conversation was worth much, and if I did say something that was stupid, people would be more apt to dismiss it if I said it in a silly way. In short, I was taking refuge behind the persona of a flighty, young girl. I readily admit I am a much better listener than talker, and for the longest time, I was hesitant to talk about myself. Now, I have the confidence to contribute fully to any conversation. I've noticed that if I and someone else starts talking at the same time, the other person usually surges ahead without so much as a "Do you mind if I go first?" This and the fact that I feel that people take a dismissive attitude of my opinions is very hurtful to me and I want to take steps to change this situation.

I am aware that I use "like," "um", "you know," "I don't know," and "anyway" a lot, and I am actively trying to minimize the frequency that these words leave my mouth. I monitor the way I sound by recording myself reading. I also observe how charismatic speakers conducted themselves and try to understand what makes effective communicators.

To summarize my post, I am looking for advice on 1) how to improve the way I speak and 2) how to articulate my thoughts clearly and convincingly. I would appreciate any tips on these points. Thanks in advance!

posted by mixed greens to human relations (17 comments total)

Practice makes perfect: Toastmasters.
posted by Meagan at 12:18 PM on July 14 [1 favorite]

Depending on where you live, there are public speaking groups that you can join that will help you to develop those skills. I can also guarantee there are a squillion books on the matter, though personally I am not a real believer in the ability of a book to have any great impact on how one speaks... though I'm sure another commenter will probably disagree. ;)

Also, being seen as someone who is commanding and worthy of being listened to comes from body language as well. Standing up straight, meeting people's gaze straight in the eye, not figiting, etc. will help to have your voice heard, so to speak. If someone interrupts you and says "Do you mind if I go first?" don't always allow them. If you want to keep it friendly you can say something like "Oh, I'm sorry, I want to get this out before I lose my train of thought, ha ha." Conversely you can just keep on talking, perhaps pretending you didn't hear their interruption. In my family we are what we call "competitive talkers" and when someone starts to talk at the same time as us (or even try to just talk over us) we just keep right on going with what we were saying, maybe saying it a bit louder to be heard over them. LOL
posted by gwenlister at 12:24 PM on July 14

1) Take a voice class with a private tutor. There are voice coaches for speakers as-well-as singers, but the process will be similar to training a singing voice. You'll learn breathing techniques and various exercises. The teacher will listen to the way your speak and come up with exercises for you to do to improve your speaking voice. This is really an area where you need another person to help you. The good news is that barring any vocal-chord deformities, human voices are very mailable.

2) Practice speaking in front of groups in some sort of formal setting: toastmasters, improv classes, etc.

I taught classes for about ten years. I was hopeless when I started. Stuttery, mumbly, etc. I gradually improved. It was just about practice. I think many people have a few bad experiences and then give up. I had many, many bad experiences, kept working at it anyway, and gradually improved. Now I'm very comfortable speaking in front of groups, despite the fact that I'm introverted. I speak at national conferences.

FORMAL is important here. When you're speaking casually, there are too many variables. So first learn to speak well when there are social rules in place (e.g. you're making a toast or teaching a class). The skills will eventually carry over into more lax social situations.
posted by grumblebee at 12:25 PM on July 14

To work on articulating your thoughts, write. Use the active voice and full paragraphs (as you have here). When you have something that pleases you, read it out loud. Your speech will always be less formal than your writing, but that sounds like what you want.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 12:25 PM on July 14

Lillian Glass has written excellent books on this very subject. Try Talk to Win and Say It Right.
posted by i_love_squirrels at 12:34 PM on July 14 [2 favorites]

(It would really help to know some basic facts about you: age, education, location.)

I also used to use "like" all the time and taught myself to stop. I think you're dead-on in your analysis: people use the kinds of tics you're describing to protect themselves and avoid seeming overconfident. So remind yourself: your ideas are just as good as other people's. If it doesn't seem like that, it's probably not because other people are smarter -- it's because they act more confident. This doesn't mean you should act arrogant, phony, or over the top -- not at all. Just cut out all the excess ... um like you know what I'm saying or whatever? ... and state what you think, directly.

If you need a bit of extra motivation to avoid the tics, remember (I know you know this already): all that verbal filler makes you sound really young and immature. If you were interviewing someone for a job, would you want to hire them if they ended every sentence with "or whatever"? This can be a motivator even if you're just hanging out with your peers: everybody looks up to someone who seems confident and mature.

I also experience the thing where if someone else is trying to talk at the same time, they'll always dominate. Make a point not to appear at all frustrated; just wait it out and make your contribution once there's a break. Be forceful but good-natured. I tend to zone out, but that's a bad habit -- the better thing to do is to treat it as a little memory game or balancing act: for the next couple minutes, you need to make sure you remember what you were going to say while absorbing what the other person is saying. Be aware that if this is the situation, you might simply be with people who refuse to let the slightest lull go unfilled, so you should rush to make your point ASAP after the person is done.

It seems like you've largely analyzed the whole problem correctly and you just need to stay on your toes and do what you know you have to do.
posted by jejune at 12:37 PM on July 14

Here's is an article on how to sound more intelligent. Sounds like it's what you're looking for. Here is a link to it from Lifehacker just in case you want to read the comments.
posted by Deflagro at 12:38 PM on July 14

Now, I have the confidence to contribute fully to any conversation. I've noticed that if I and someone else starts talking at the same time, the other person usually surges ahead without so much as a "Do you mind if I go first?" This and the fact that I feel that people take a dismissive attitude of my opinions is very hurtful to me and I want to take steps to change this situation.

Not to attack you but this couple of lines sound as if you always want to put in your 2 cents at the expense of not letting other speak maybe one of the reasons this is happening to you. I've never heard the "Do you mind if I go first"? being done on a regular basis unless the person is known as someone who talks more than they should (once again please keep in mind i dont know who you are and I dont mean to attack you).

I think the best advice (as a foreign speaker) I could give you is the following:

a) Think before you speak
b) SLOW DOWN. Not every sentence has to be crammed with wisdom.
c) tone down the sarcastic tone...you know is there...why use it all the time with people that dont know you well.
d) Have a pleasant attitude (goes back to the sarcasm part). I have heard all types of voice (I used to work in a helpdesk) and I never heard a voice that was annoying.....the annoying part is the content that comes out of each mouth.
posted by The1andonly at 12:45 PM on July 14

I've noticed that if I and someone else starts talking at the same time, the other person usually surges ahead without so much as a "Do you mind if I go first?" This and the fact that I feel that people take a dismissive attitude of my opinions is very hurtful to me and I want to take steps to change this situation.

I know that this is not answering your question, and becoming a better speaker is a good idea in general, but it's possible that the people you are talking to are just being jerks.

A lot of people in a lot of situations will just engage in conversations to get their point across, and won't really care what you have to say. It may not be completely your fault; it's possible that you could be the most skilled an eloquent conversationalist in the world and these people would still interrupt you and dismiss your opinions.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:45 PM on July 14

I'd second the voice coaching - some of them really are impressive. I also think that reading (fairly difficult) stuff aloud and perhaps in the mirror helps.
posted by rhymer at 1:54 PM on July 14

Slow down and think about what you're going to say before you say it..
posted by rhizome at 2:09 PM on July 14

Listen and then repeat and add to points and phrases that were brought up before. "John makes a really good point about X. I'd like to add to that..."

A voice coach may help you, but don't forget to be yourself....
posted by xammerboy at 3:05 PM on July 14

Not all of us have beautiful voices (I, for one, don't), but learning to breathe with your diaphragm can make your voice sound less airy. I am going to look at some of the links above myself, because beautiful diction is great.

However, I think confidence is part of it, too. When I was a lost young graduate student seeking recognition, I always felt/was ignored because I spoke poorly. I think people sense when someone is trying too hard. I haven't felt this way in years, except possibly when I try to get a car repaired (I know nothing), or talk to people I perceive as judgmental.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 3:26 PM on July 14

Something else that will help you sound more confident: start playing with words. Read authors who luxuriate in words: Dickens, Nabokov, Shakespeare... Don't just read these writers; listen to them. Listen to "The Great Gatsby" or "Lolita" as a recorded book on tape. Watch Shakespeare on stage or video. And don't just watch and listen -- speak! Read aloud to yourself; declaim poetry.

Make sure you throw in plenty of playful stuff, like Dr. Suess and Edward Lear.

Also, do crossword puzzles.

Also, study rhetoric and conversational logic. Get inside how language works! It's a pity that few people study rhetoric these days, because rhetorical figures give you well-honed templates for speaking.

Immerse yourself in words as playfully as you can. Play word games, say tongue twisters, make up silly rhymes, make up raps... But try to avoid doing too much of this in print. Make sure there's a verbal component to it. Even if you just speak in the shower, SPEAK!

Don't just do this once or twice. Do it every day.
posted by grumblebee at 3:31 PM on July 14 [1 favorite]

first thing that comes to my mind is lose the sarcasm. it's made a huge difference for me. i always assumed people understood that when i acted like an asshole, i was somehow making fun of assholes. most of them probably just thought i was an asshole.
posted by aquanaut at 4:52 PM on July 14

I think changing your delivery will help a lot. The light airy voice, the inflections, and the tics are probably a large part of your problem. Practice pitching your voice deeper and be sure to drop into your lower register when you really want to be taken seriously.

Lose the inflections. You know the ones? That make every statement? Sound like a question? To my ear, inflections like that scream "bubblehead!" Try hard to break this habit; concentrate on dropping your pitch a little at the end of every declarative statement. It might feel a little forced at first but it will become second nature after a while.

The "ums" and "uhs" are probably the least of the problems since we all do this, but try to keep it to a minimum in more formal settings.

One little thing you can practice on is your voicemail greeting message. Record it until you like the way you sound - confident, competent, mature, etc. It's surprisingly hard to not sound like a dingbat in the blasted things (I usually have to redo mine 2 or 3 times) so when you get a good one, listen to it and analyze what makes it sound right.

Good luck!
posted by Quietgal at 7:34 PM on July 14 [1 favorite]

Thank you very much for all your helpful input! I am definitely planning on practicing practicing practicing! I also know I need to be aware of my own verbal quirks (mainly the filler words and inflections) and control them without sounding too stiff. I'm not sure how expensive a voice coach is and if I can afford one right now, but it is definitely something that sounds like it would help me understand the way I speak.

So remind yourself: your ideas are just as good as other people's. If it doesn't seem like that, it's probably not because other people are smarter -- it's because they act more confident. This doesn't mean you should act arrogant, phony, or over the top -- not at all. Just cut out all the excess ... um like you know what I'm saying or whatever? ... and state what you think, directly.

I think this is a great way to think! In the past, I've definitely held back my ideas because I didn't feel confident, only to have someone else raise their hand and voice the same thought. I'm not one to crave attention, but I always ended up kicking myself for not overcoming my fear of saying something "stupid."

Not to attack you but this couple of lines sound as if you always want to put in your 2 cents at the expense of not letting other speak maybe one of the reasons this is happening to you. I've never heard the "Do you mind if I go first"? being done on a regular basis unless the person is known as someone who talks more than they should.

To respond to this, I was trying to describe what happens when two people instantaneously open their mouths to speak. I've usually found that the two parties verbally or non-verbally agree to who should speak first. I hope I'm not one of those people who jumps into without any consideration of others. I really am more of a listener than talker, so I don't think i am :)

When I was a lost young graduate student seeking recognition, I always felt/was ignored because I spoke poorly.

I just finished my undergrad degree, and moving out into the "real world," I don't want my speaking style to hinder me.

Something else that will help you sound more confident: start playing with words.

Your advice was really unique and fun! I should start practicing speeches in the shower. It is a good way to multitask!
posted by mixed greens at 10:09 PM on July 14 [1 favorite]