Men leaving Mars for the great unknown?

July 14, 2008 11:03 AM

Looking for examples from film of men nurturing women.

In typical "Men are from Mars" fashion, mr. pammo - who I love dearly - is pretty great at responding to my more practical needs. But he doesn't seem to understand how I'd like him to respond to my emotional needs. For example . . .

Let's say I wear myself out taking care of the kids, the house, the job, etc. and I feel a little tearful. Or, say I'm confronting some challenge I find truly frightening. Or some event sends me over the edge a bit - a just-missed car accident or equivocal/bad news from the doctor. In any of these situations, and others like them, I could use some serious empathy from my partner.

Instead, most of the time I get a sort of blankness. I think the deep emotional realm scares the shit out of him. He can offer practical advice but that's not what I need, especially at first. Often, before I can consider practical solutions, I need to feel some reassurance.

I know my partner would like to be there for me when I'm down. Maybe he just needs to be shown the way.

So I'm looking for film clips of men caring for women in a deeply empathic way. Maybe if we watch them together, it will help him to understand what I'm looking for.

posted by pammo to human relations (20 comments total)

Maybe not exactly what you're looking for, but I remember these movies as having kind, empathetic male characters:

Say Anything

Roxanne

Shadowlands
posted by triggerfinger at 11:31 AM on July 14

certainly not what you're looking for, but the tub scene at the end of secretary is one of the most caring moments on film, imo.
posted by nadawi at 11:36 AM on July 14

Seconding secretary. The context of that scene is completely different from what you want, but it's definitely a deeply empathic male-caring-for-female sequence.
posted by Tomorrowful at 11:39 AM on July 14

Your husband might not take you seriously if you show him a clip from a high school soap opera, but Dan Humphry on "Gossip Girl" was born directly out of every red-blooded woman's desire for a Sensitive Guy. He also perpetuates the myth that there are earnest teenage boys out there who stare deeply into your eyes and say, "I really want to understand where you're coming from, Sabrina. Please tell me how you feel." He's the Lloyd Dobbler for 2008.

If anything, you can point to that show and say, "If a 17-year old boy can say this, so can my brilliant, caring husband."
posted by zoomorphic at 11:40 AM on July 14 [1 favorite]

Before Sunrise/Before Sunset are a movie/sequel starring the duo of Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy as star crossed lovers, where Ethan Hawke is at times, pretty nurturing, and yet at other times, questions the nature of nurturing for men, and for himself in his relationships.
posted by paulsc at 11:43 AM on July 14

... men caring for women in a deeply empathic way ...

I can't imagine a better film for this than Talk to Her. You should know, though, that it gets a little strange & kinky at certain points -- if you've never seen any Almodovar movies, you might want to read the reviews or watch it by yourself first to vet it for your purposes.
posted by ourobouros at 11:48 AM on July 14

Away from Her and Once
posted by orange swan at 12:17 PM on July 14

The first movie that sprung to mind for me was The Apartment, with Mr. Baxter nursing Miss Kubelik back to health.
posted by Johnny Assay at 12:22 PM on July 14 [2 favorites]

This is a tough one, because as far as I know the kind of emotional support you're talking about doesn't really show up in too many films. There are probably a lot more examples of films that show the kind of situation you're in (lack of emotional support), and of those I think the best one is Short Cuts. It's based on a collection of short stories, most of which revolve around relationships that are somehow broken.

I would describe Lost In Translation as being about two people who lack an emotional connection with their respective spouses and randomly find that support in each other. Most of the meaning of the film is subtext though, there's not much that either of the characters do to support each other. About half of the people I talk to about it completely miss the point of that movie entirely.

The best example of what you're looking for that I can think of is Tomorrow, which is a black and white Robert Duvall movie from the 70s. His character in that film is the most emotionally supportive character I can think of, and most of the film is concerned with him caring for people. It's definitely a very slow paced film though, so it's possible that it could be too boring.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:30 PM on July 14 [1 favorite]

Maybe Adam Brody's character in "In the Land of Women", Andy Garcia in "When a Man Loves a Woman", and at points, Richard Gere in "Unfaithful". In each movie the man makes an effort to really understand what women are saying to them.
posted by prettymightyflighty at 12:41 PM on July 14 [1 favorite]

Seconding "Say Anything"... Lloyd Dobbler... sigh.
posted by amyms at 12:56 PM on July 14

Kevin Kline in The Big Chill.

You might also both benefit from reading Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand, which breaks down these needs and communication/lack of around emotional needs; it's very enlightening.
posted by Riverine at 1:11 PM on July 14

nthing "Say Anything".
posted by marsha56 at 1:12 PM on July 14

Clint Eastwood in "Million Dollar Baby"
posted by vito90 at 1:47 PM on July 14

Absolutely.. When a man loves a woman.
posted by revolution_aries at 2:02 PM on July 14

This is a good idea, and I think it's perfectly fine to use movies as one way to communicate what you mean when you ask for more emotional support, but I just wanted to suggest that you should make sure to be very upfront about why you're watching these movies with him. Probably more upfront than you think is necessary. If you just watch these movies together without also talking to him about this issue, he may think that spending the time with you is enough then and there to satisfy these emotional needs. Someone who tends towards being a bit emotionally dense is not going to automatically pick up on this message. He may not even pick it up after you explain this to him. You will likely need to supplement this approach by very specifically discussing your personal emotional needs and how this directly relates to you. Don't expect him to just "get it". He'll need hand-holding.

As evidence of this, I can't count the number of situations I've been in where an SO thought I was totally getting the hint about something, and it was way the hell over my head. And I think I'm a pretty sensitive guy. Go figure.

Good luck!
posted by dosterm at 2:50 PM on July 14

I agree that Secretary provides an example of a man understanding and responding to a woman's emotional needs, but I doubt you want your husband to emulate James Spader's character.

If you haven't seen the movie Once, I'd highly recommend it. It's a sweet little film about two street musicians who strike up a partnership/romance, and learn to decode each other's emotions.
posted by arianell at 3:57 PM on July 14

Thanks everyone!

When I ran this question by my therapist she thought it was a great idea. She also mentioned Shopgirl as a possibility. I guess it's a measure of how busy we are that of the movies mentioned so far Roxanne is the only one I've seen.

Just to clarify, my husband is totally signed on to the idea of watching a movie together for pedagogical purposes, as it were. He comes from a family that's pretty shut down and he's gone through his share of hellacious events with them with zero support. He's quite aware that it's a fear of his own vulnerability that keeps him from being comfortable with someone else's pain, and that the unfortunate cost is a relative shallowness of experience. He'd like to love and live more deeply if not for my sake than for his own.

He's never seen a man take on a more feminine, nurturing role. A little suggestive modeling could go a long way.
posted by pammo at 4:20 PM on July 14

the secret life of words is probably exactly what you are looking for.

it will be slow for him, as it's a talky, thinky movie, but there's a devastating, gorgeous, loving scene about 2/3 of the way through that will floor you both.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:24 PM on July 14 [1 favorite]

My favourite example of this is David Strathairn's character in John Sayles's Limbo.
posted by hot soup girl at 6:36 AM on July 26