Un-whitewash myself?

July 14, 2008 6:08 AM

Pushing 30 and a chance to turn my life around...

Moved here at a very young age. Thrown into a class full of white kids. Instantly adapted; played the games/sports they played, watched the tv shows/movies they watched, and started thinking in English while forgetting my first language...

Some twenty years later, I have an opportunity to move back to my homeland with a career change. I would have to relearn my first language and readapt to the lifestyle that I haven't experienced for all these years; and possibly switch back to thinking in my first language.

I'm not sure if I'll be happy if I go back and if I'll miss the lifestyle here. Although I can't say that I have been truly happy here in the first place, so a part of me wants to go back and the other wants to stay.

So how hard is it for someone (almost 30) to relearn and think in their first language? Does anyone have or know someone who's had the experience of moving back to their homeland relearning what they've missed? And would it be possible (and wise) to keep the lifestyle one's been used to (for some twenty years) while family and relatives' are different? How hard is it to just let go and turn one's life around?

posted by anonymous to education (8 comments total)

Well, how young is young? And, even though you assimilated publicly, did you assimilate privately? Did you give up being "home country ethnicity" with your parents?

Here in Armenia, I have a number of pals who moved to the U.S. at age 8-13ish, spent their school years, university years and early adult years in America, assimilating to varying degrees. Then they move back to Armenia. I think that they all find their way... sure, maybe they sort of cringe at family stuff (crazy aunties, pressure to marry, long dinners) and maybe their family sort of envies them or disapproves of how they are too American (having water delivered (i.e. not drinking local water), spending time on the Internet, not marrying, etc.), but I think that they all negotiate it.

And, worst case, if you find that you can't negotiate it, you could always leave.

I'd do a 3 week test visit first to see if you could handle it all - family and lifestyle change, etc. After 3 weeks, make a list of what you liked about life in the "home country" (if your home country is anything like here, you really can't beat how relaxed it is, and hey, the homemade food and smothering from relatives ain't too bad either. And maybe it is cheap!?!)
posted by k8t at 6:20 AM on July 14

While this is slightly different, because of the international opportunities of Hong Kong, but my sister moved back from Canada when she was well into her thirties. She didn't prepare for the language transition and by pure immersion in 2 years or so, she became completely fluent again. That, despite the fact that her employment is primarily in an English-language environment. Her life completely changed with her move, but I think for the better. She was happy enough in Canada, but she was restless. Hong Kong is her home and she feels at home there. It was the right decision for her to change the way she lived her life.

If you are not even yet 30, why not try it for a year? This is your chance to give it a whirl. It could be right, it could be wrong, but if there is not too much keeping you tied down then this might be a good time.
posted by typewriter at 6:21 AM on July 14

Oh, and with my pals and language -- not having gone to high school / university here has a serious impact on their language skills. I can hear it myself as a non-native speaker. They also aren't as up on the slang. But I think that most locals are tolerant and happy that these folks have come back.
posted by k8t at 6:26 AM on July 14

Well, my mom moved to the US in her thirties with almost no English and is doing exceptionally well. Surely it is easier to re-learn a language you once knew than to start from scratch. The key challenge, I think, is to overcome any sense of embarrassment over making mistakes because you're "supposed" to speak the language. It will take time to get mastery back.

I second the idea of a test visit. If you're unhappy where you are, you'll want to be very careful not to move thinking that the new location will solve all of your problems.
posted by prefpara at 6:59 AM on July 14

The grass is always greener.
posted by BobbyDigital at 8:23 AM on July 14

I came to the US around a similar age. Although I haven't lived in my original country since then, I think it should be fairly easy to relearn the language that you imprinted on as a baby. You could always start by hanging around and listening to people from your original culture. YMMV, but native language can come back surprisingly fast.

Without knowing the details of the lifestyle changes you will be facing, it's a little hard to say how well you can adapt to your original country. Are we talking about major urban centers in a fairly developed country or yurts in the middle of vast steppes? Modern, westernized way of life permeates everywhere nowadays and you may find urban professional people your age live a surprisingly similar style.

Moving to a country where you haven't lived as an adult and don't speak the language is a pretty big step. I could be totally wrong, but it sounds like from your post that you are dissatisfied with some part of life and is looking to reinvent yourself ("think in a different language"). I'd like to echo the other people here in saying to take baby-steps before committing to a major life changing move. If you'd like to re-connect with your heritage in some way, you could always first try moving to a city with large population of people of your culture.

Good luck.
posted by Pantalaimon at 8:57 AM on July 14

This doesn't answer the question exactly, but try to go find and read personal experiences of Third Culture Kids (also). Or try visiting sites/support groups with a forum where you can hash out these identity issues you're having with people who've gone through a similar thing. I remember for years feeling weird and not sure how to describe myself until my homeroom teacher in the 8th grade came back from taking a seminar on the topic with at an international school teachers' conference. As he took a whole homeroom to explain the concept to a class of around 34 kids from at least ten different countries with different backgrounds, whether missionaries' kids, army brats, diplomats' kids, businessman's kids, airline pilots' kids, second generation immigrants returning to the country with their parents, etc., it was kind of an eye-opening experience and it felt nice to have something to describe ourselves with. At an early age I had taken to saying "Well, my passport says I'm American, but I grew up in Korea," when people would ask me where I was from and I rather disliked having to say I was American, period, and also felt weird saying I was Korean, period as well. I felt more like a Venn diagram of the two cultures.

A lot of people strongly identify TCKs with army brats probably because that's the most easily identifiable TCK in respect to US-centric culture. Protip: You can get a pdf copy of Kay Eakin's "According to my Passport I'm Coming Home" at the US Department of State's page for TCKs (Chapter One: "If I'm Home, Why am I Feeling so Lousy?"). Remember, though that it also includes immigrants, children of diplomats and other areas of business that has a child relocating frequently or to another country for an extended period of time. And don't just assume Third Culture Kid just stops at the definition of people who grew up in a culture/country not their own There is a nuanced difference even within the designation. My homeroom teacher explained that there are four main different types within the basic construct of a Third Culture Kid. I forget what the names exactly were 151; they were all some kind of variation on insider/outsider 151; but it was basically along the lines of kids who:

- look like the norm of their third culture they grew up (for example, looking or being Asian) in and identify with it (speaking the language, familiar with customs, etc.)
- don't look like the norm of their third culture who identify with it
- look like the norm of their third culture and don't identify with it
- kids who don't look like the norm of their third culture and who don't identify with it

Obviously, there could be even smaller breakdowns from that (Cross-Culture Kids), but basically, how it helped us was realizing that we too had a group we identified with that wasn't strictly drawn by citizenship or borders...AND THAT OUR IDENTITY ISSUES WEREN'T SO WEIRD OR UNIQUE.

The good news is being a Third Culture Kid feels like being in a Laputa-esque floating country of its own. It's oddly easy to bond with other Third Culture Kids. When I came back to the States to study in college, I didn't really make good friends with the Korean American students or the Korean foreign students, nor did I necessarily make friends with the American kids all that well. I had a much easier time talking with foreign students who had experiences of either growing up in another country or going to boarding school things like that. The setting would be totally different countries, but the stuff we laughed about and identified with all had a similar motif. Trying to further figure out how I could fit in and make friends during college, I attended an Asian American fair/event at our school and one of mini seminars was, lo and behold, "Third Culture Kids." I went in and sat in and it was the best time I had had up until that point in college. It was a room full of people who had never met or talked to each other and from different countries and cultures but we were all echoing similar ideas, sentiments, troubles, etc.

This got too long, but I really had to say my piece about this because having the thoughts you are with the background you've had is normal and for me a lot of the figuring out about my identity came from finally grasping something of a category. And I'm not advocating that you need to feel happy and gung-ho about either culture. I just relate this to you because I had too many friends who were miserable living in Korea because it just wasn't them and felt even more miserable for feeling that way ending up resenting the culture they lived in whether they were a white kid from Idaho or Korean and hadn't set foot in the country since they were 3. Then again, I had an Indian friend who was born and raised in Korea, didn't speak a lick of Korean, wasn't to keyed into the culture, but was just fine and practically reveled in the expat life. I personally don't think I'll ever be 100% American (and even that identity is further skewed since I'm half black which puts me in a whole other subset of identity issues) and I won't ever be 100% Korean, but I'm an ever fluctuating percentage of both that's never an equilibrium. I may be 75%/85% someday, and quite possibly 5%/99% another day, but definitely, that day was a turning point in my life because it felt like a weight lifted off my back in terms of having to identify myself.
posted by kkokkodalk at 11:40 AM on July 14 [2 favorites]

And in addition to my already long-winded "answer": While this may sound like salt on a wound, the most common symptom of being a TCK is "I never feel like I'm home." You may find yourself somewhere where you can be comfortable, but you'll feel restless and always like you're grieving for something, whether you return to your passport country or return to the culture you adapted yourself to and some TCKs end up continuing to travel by choice because its what they're used to or they think they'll find home someday. Because, as Eakin, and probably others will point out, TCKs identify themselves by people, not by strict identities of culture or country. I get homesick, but I've recognized home isn't a physical place for me. People ask if I want to go back to Korea and I say I don't know if I can because home for me is my specific group of friends at my specific school at a specific length of my life. If I went back to Korea now, all the people who make up the memories and even the very building I went to school in no longer exist. Without those people specifically, Seoul, Korea is just a shell made up of shared language and cultural behavior.

So is it a possibility you'll be miserable when you do go back? Quite so, it's a place that stopped being "home" for you for a long time. But who knows, you might feel comfortable there. But your unsure feelings of whether you belong here or there are part of your identity.
posted by kkokkodalk at 11:50 AM on July 14