Don't harpoon the beached whale!

July 10, 2008 5:48 PM

Fat girl + hot climates = potential badness. Help a gal feel comfortable without grossing anyone out. (Apologies for long explanation/details)

I live in a city with hot, humid summers and I'm later this summer going to a hotter place for my vacation! While I like hot weather, there will be times on holiday when I'd like to wear shorts and or short sleeves or tanks. And of course at a pool or beach, I'd want to wear a swimsuit.

But I'm fat. And lots of folks find looking at fat folks unpleasant (not saying they should or shouldn't). I have heard/read coworkers, acquaintances, bloggers etc remarking on people they have seen at the pool, on the street, wherever. You know, the comments like,
What was she thinking or No one wants to see that!. Even girls I know who wear single-digit clothes talk about how gross they feel and how they aren't hot enough for the beach.

I don't bear my upper arms or below my knees at home, so I have no basis for comparison of reactions. (I do wear swimsuits and shorts/tees at gym; I figure even if people are icked-out, they can't fault someone for trying to improve. )
Further details:
- I am not looking to attract attention. Modest one-piece swimwear, just above the knee shorts, and tank tops when outside are what I'd like. (Inside, I can wear a light shawl to hide my arms)
- I turned over a new leaf a few months ago - dealing with long-term depression, better eating habits plus cardio every day and weights every other day. It is working well (down 3 sizes so far!) and I love being active and healthy but I will not be svelte before travel time.
- I am a size 18/20 (US) and my problem areas are chubby and cellulite ridden arms and legs which are hard to hide in summer. If it matters, I am told I am well-groomed and not sloppy or trashy looking.
- I am between This and This, I think.

My questions are essentially:
What should I wear or not wear?
Am I right to be concerned? (If I do dress summery, will I gross people out? Do I risk ridicule? Will I offend common decency?
Should I not worry about it and let them gawp?)

Thank you so much.

posted by anonymous to clothing, beauty, & fashion (56 comments total)

It's your vacation, not theirs. Be yourself. Wear what pleases you.
posted by netbros at 5:59 PM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I hope you decide not to be concerned about this. I wear speedos to the beach, because I actually like to swim. Sometime in the past 15 years they became joke attire that almost every N.American man refuses to wear. I'm sure that I've "offended" some folk who think it's crucial to monitor the behavior of others. Whatever.
posted by ferdydurke at 6:01 PM on July 10, 2008

I sort of want to hug you.

People will objectify, categorize and mock your body exactly as they will and no matter what you wear. That's what we won when we were born women. So do what I do -- fuck it. You need to wear exactly what you want to wear.

But that means what you truly want to wear. That might include a lot of coverups. Personally, I swim in a ladies' tee and gym shorts over swimwear. (I also feel comfortable in wetsuits, although that doesn't make sense.) Bring layers of comfy clothing to the beach and see what you feel like.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:01 PM on July 10, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I will be frank.

You will probably gross people out. You will gross out the people who will be grossed out simply because you exist. But don't worry about these people, because they are assholes. The only way you would not gross them out is if you dressed in a burka and hid in your house.

Generally, when most people are all "Ohmigawd what was she thinking" it involves people basically wearing clothing that is way, way too small for them. Even then, the complaining is assholish--fuck man, you complain about that but don't wonder about the homeless guy sleeping on the bench?!

"Common decency" applies to them, too. It is common decency that one recognize a person, no matter their weight, has the right to wear nice-fitting clothing and be cool and comfortable in what climate they're in.
posted by schroedinger at 6:02 PM on July 10, 2008 [19 favorites has favorites]

Do you. Screw the haters.
posted by milarepa at 6:02 PM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Should I not worry about it and let them gawp?

Yep. They have prejudices, they need to deal with them, not you. Wear whatever makes you happy and comfortable.
posted by doctor_negative at 6:03 PM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Don't worry about it. Especially not with something as conservative as tank tops and shorts. You're on vacation; the only people that are going to see you are strangers you'll never see again, and friends/family who won't be making snide judgments. Enjoy your vacation!
posted by lilac girl at 6:06 PM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't know how else to say it other than anyone who questions another human's right to exist in public should fuck off. Don't feel like you have to hide your bodies for others, wear what feels comfortable to you.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 6:07 PM on July 10, 2008

I do not like to see chubby girls in some outfits. I won't detail what outfits or how chubby because it is really not something i think much about. However it is fundamental that you do not limit yourself because of what i think. If you are confortable in whatever clothes you want to wear, i can always look the other way.

You may be chubby now, and you may be thin or whatever later, but the need to stick up for yourself will never go away.
posted by CautionToTheWind at 6:08 PM on July 10, 2008

If you like that flickr pool, you'll probably find the Cockeyed Height/Weight Chart pretty interesting.

Oh, and wear whatever you want and kick sand on the haters.
posted by phunniemee at 6:10 PM on July 10, 2008

First off, my general feeling is "to hell with those people." I find that sort of talk ("I wish she wouldn't wear that....") offensive and don't see a reason to pander. That said, I go through similar thought processes sometimes when I think about whether to shave my legs or not for some specific event. I like the way my legs look but is it worth it to get comments from boors? So, you don't owe anyone ANYTHING, but if you'd like to dress with an eye towards modesty for your own reasons, certain things work better than others.

I swim with a lot of fat and/or wrinkly and/or disabled people at the local pool all the time. I think at some level the biggest deal is knowing your surroundings and knowing what looks decent on you and appropriate to what you're doing. Fat ladies in swim suits look better than fat ladies (often teenagers) who wear gym clothes into the pool because (I'm guessing) they feel awkward about their bodies. Once you decide what to wear, wear it confidently.

So, if you're swimming, wear a swim suit. Darker colors will minimize the appearance of lumpy parts and have a smoothing effect overall. I'd dare say they look better on most people. Similarly, many people at my pool wear suits that have some sort of subtle pattern under, I'd assume, the same principle. You can decide whether you want a suit for simming or a suit for sunning, but there are a lot of suits for plus-sized women that don't have the weird ruffles or the big bold floral prints. That said, if you like the ruffles they do a decent job of covering up upper thighs. If you're losing weight (and GOOD ON YOU for that) you may be lumpier than you're comfortable with. Similarly, there are nice suits with blousier tops if you're more concerned about covering up your belly. I think these look more attractive generally. I'd also suggest going for something with support cups and something that has a decent v-neck [not a high neck] because that's likely to be flattering without being a little too over-showy and you can not feel like you're hanging out all over.

Another thing you can stay on top of is staying cool. As someone who used to be heavier, I had a harder time staying cool in hot weather when I weighed more and sweaty tired looking people don't generally look good. Find a nice hat or scarf and sunglasses, keep the sun off yourself, wear airy clothing, even if it covers you up some -- there are great gauzy clothes allowing you to wear something with sleeves and legs that looks really nice and keeps you cooler than a heavier pair of shorts would be.

Lastly, look put together. Wear nice-ish shoes, accessorize and wear makeup if you're that sort of person. Basically get dressed saying "I meant to look like this" and then just have a good time. Good for you for getting your act together and sticking with it. Have a good time on your vacation.
posted by jessamyn at 6:10 PM on July 10, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Wear your size, try to be classy about what you choose and you'll do fine. I'm same/similar size and I really don't notice a thing when I go out swimming. Honestly -- I've never noticed anyone staring at me, making faces or talking. I think I'm reasonably normal, and tend to be accepted as such. I bet you'll find this whole thing to be a non-event.
posted by cior at 6:15 PM on July 10, 2008

What should I wear or not wear?

You should not wear anything that's the wrong size. You should not wear a shawl just to make other people feel better. You should not wear a t-shirt over your bathing suit while swimming, because it's dangerous (it can balloon, fill up with water, and drag you down). Other than that, wear what you want. Enjoy and have fun.
posted by needs more cowbell at 6:16 PM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Aw. I don't have an answer regarding what you should wear, but please try not to worry about grossing people out. I find it refreshing to see people of all shapes and sizes walking around with confidence at the beach. It shouldn't be a place where only size 2s are allowed. Everyone has something they're not happy about and almost all girls have cellulite.

You're on vacation. You should find a swimsuit and summer clothes that YOU like and try not to worry about what other people (who are strangers anyway) think about it. It's YOUR holiday. Enjoy it. You worked hard to get active and healthy - you deserve it!

Although I'm not significantly overweight, I have similar body confidence issues. Someone said something to me recently that makes a lot of sense and I try to remember it when I'm feeling out of place amongst my skinny friends: All we have is now. Don't waste your time worrying about something you can't change overnight. Accept it and enjoy now.

Of course, that doesn't mean that you shoudln't continue to work hard towards your goals.

Try not to be so concerned with what other people think. If they're judging you based on how you look, they're jerks anyway. And who cares what jerks think?
posted by heffalump at 6:16 PM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Oh, and also...I was watching MTV's Made a little while ago (don't judge me!) about a girl who wanted to be a plus-size model. They went to Torrid to try on swimsuits, and they were all really flattering and attractive (not old-woman-suit looking in the slightest).
posted by phunniemee at 6:17 PM on July 10, 2008

If anyone out there is offended by you exposing your full arms and your legs from the knee down on the street, or by seeing you in a modest and comfortable one piece swimsuit, that's THEIR problem. Screw 'em.

Dress comfortably for the environment you find yourself in. That means that you want to stay as cool as possible while also enjoying some sun exposure, while not exposing so much of your body that YOU feel uncomfortable.

Number 1 on your list: sunscreen, at least 15 SPF, applied as required (e.g. 15 minutes before you go out, replenished over time, especially after exercise). The less clothing you wear, the more sunscreen you should budget for.

For active days, when you might be cycling or hiking or whatever, above-the-knee shorts are great. See if REI or Mountain Equipment Co-op or a similar store has some nice walking shorts with no pleats at the front. Loose capris in a cool fabric are also a good choice. On the one hand, you may feel that you're back to square one because these will cover more of your legs, but on the other hand, you use less sunscreen.

For less active days, dinners, etc. try a comfortable sarong style skirt of any length you like. And as Jessamyn says, long and gauzy can be quite cool and comfortable for anyone of any size. I have a pair of black gauze trousers that work for evenings out or business casual.

If your thighs rub together and make skirts or dresses uncomfortable, see if you can find a lightweight, breathable set of exercise tights or longline panties, something like this (but don't go for "control" type panties unless you really like them and they feel comfortable. You shouldn't feel you have to cram your body into something to make it acceptable in public.)
posted by maudlin at 6:18 PM on July 10, 2008

You might want to consider getting a nice swimsuit. Your confidence might get a boost out of wearing something new and pretty.

Here are some options I checked out for a recent vacation:
http://www.swimsuitsjustforus.com/
http://www.alwaysforme.com/
http://www.bravissimo.com/products/swimwear
http://www.onestopplus.com/Plus-Size-Swimwear.aspx?DeptId=11594
http://www.swimsuitsforall.com/

posted by cior at 6:19 PM on July 10, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Go to the beach in whatever you're comfortable in and have a great time. I'm a lot bigger than you and I had to get bold about doing that when I had kids and wanted to be able to take them to the water park and so on. I just keep my mind on my own business, don't think about what other people might be thinking, and I have a good time.

That said, I'm seconding Countess Elena about making yourself comfortable. A friend of mine who is even bigger than me made a great swim outfit out of a bike shirt and long shorts; it looks cute and athletic. Junonia has some great swimsuits of all kinds, including this nifty "aquatard" that covers thighs and upper arms but totally in a "I'm so cool and athletic" way rather than "hide me! Oh, the shame!" They have great cover-up shorts, swim shorts, swim skirts, oh, all kinds of options. Their swimsuits have done me a world of good.

I wear a lot of cap-sleeve Ts and capris in the summer; light-weight capris can be very breezy and cool, just about as comfy as shorts for me but more comfortable for me body-image wise.

Also seconding schroedinger: choose cute, well-fitting clothes that you feel good in, and not only will people be less likely to get all judgmental, you'll be less likely to feel self-conscious and worried about it.

Have a great vacation!
posted by not that girl at 6:20 PM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

To be honest, I sometimes see someone who's overweight and think, "She should not wear that." But that's almost always, if not always, because the clothes aren't fitting right. So, you, like everyone else, will find that some clothes fit better than others and that some styles are more flattering than others. I know that "buy flattering styles that fit" is so vague, but if you do, you'll be fine.
posted by Airhen at 6:21 PM on July 10, 2008

Hey, I know your second "this"! I am just going to second what most people have said. Some people don't like fat people. And they probably won't like you know matter what you wear. But that's not your problem. Really, it's not. Wear what will make you physically comfortable. If it makes you feel any better, I go sleeveless almost every day when it's hot, and I am about 4 sizes bigger than you. I don't get comments or stares, and this is in Manhattan. Oh, and if you need some inspiration, Fatshionista is always a great place to visit. Check out the swimwear tag to see what that the other fat chicks are wearing.
posted by kimdog at 6:21 PM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm a size 4 and I've gotten shit when I wear a bathing suit (I'm very pale, my boobs are A-cups, and I have a slightly deformed breastbone), to the point where I wouldn't wear a swimsuit in public for, oh, about 15 years. I'm not kidding. This is absolutely not to equate our own individual situations or to derail the thread into a "oh, poor skinny girls" tangent, but just to confirm what others have said -- there are assholes everywhere who feel entitled to judge women's bodies, and most women, in one way or another, don't fit the incredibly narrow standards of beauty that are constantly shoved down our throats. Wear what makes you feel good (jessamyn and others have great suggestions) and go out there and enjoy yourself. You deserve it.

Congrats on everything you're doing. I hope you feel fantastic and have a terrific vacation!
posted by scody at 6:26 PM on July 10, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Oh, and by the way: I originally read the first line of your question as "Fat girl + hot climates = potential bad-ass" -- which might not be a bad attitude to adopt!
posted by scody at 6:29 PM on July 10, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

"just above the knee shorts, and tank tops when outside "

I wouldn't worry about the fat. But I should point out that tank top and shorts is the "tourist uniform" we residents noticed and cringed at when I lived in a town that got lots of summer tourists. Surely there's a better way that's still comfortable.
posted by orthogonality at 6:33 PM on July 10, 2008

The only thing I can add (besides seconding the good stuff from Junonia) is don't pick black just because it allegedly is slimming. If your skin doesn't look good against black, pick a color that does!

And also, BodyGlide and Anti Monkey Butt Powder are great for chafing issues.

Have a GREAT vacation!!!!! Wear sunblock!
posted by SuperSquirrel at 6:42 PM on July 10, 2008

I agree - wear what pleases you. That means wearing what makes you comfortable, and it sounds like you'll be comfortable with slightly less revealing garments. To be honest, I too sometimes think "wow, that is really unflattering" but like other posters, it is mostly because it is a style or cut that doesn't flatter their body type - and their are colors, styles, and cuts for every body type. You may have to pay more, but I know they are out there.

Don't choose things that will leave you constantly self-conscious, but if you like something and it makes you feel comfortable (both temperature and self-image) go for it.

LL Bean has some great, fairly modest swim suits and they allow you to mix and match various components - if you want a french cut leg with a detachable skirt on your suit, they are the place to go. Their garments are very well made and they have an incredible return policy (they recently accepted a wagon sold in the 50's as a return) if you aren't located in Maine and can't go to their store.

Don't let the jerks get you down. But don't wear spandex, please (and that entreaty goes out to all the rest of you, unless you're Olympic swimmers! Spandex should only be sold with a license.).
posted by arnicae at 6:44 PM on July 10, 2008

I'm about the same size you are and honestly? Fuck the haters. I wear shorts (although long ones, since they're more comfy), tank tops and swimsuits all I want and the worst comments I ever get are cat calls and people asking about my tattoos. You're chubby, but you're not fat. No worries at all. (Feel free to MeMail me if you want to discuss this further. I can totally relate to the predicament, I've just learned to not care.)
posted by youcancallmeal at 6:45 PM on July 10, 2008

As far as oversized people at the gym, I think it's the coolest thing ever. It takes more guts than if you can already bench 200+ for reps and squat a Le Car. I really wouldn't worry about it since I think that's a pretty common sentiment among people that attend gyms regularly for fitness.
posted by kcm at 6:45 PM on July 10, 2008

I recommend for you Richard Feynmann's second autobiography, which he titled What Do You Care What Other People Think?
posted by ikkyu2 at 6:54 PM on July 10, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I think you feel incredibly self-conscious and want to minimize that feeling. Size 18 is not terribly uncommon, and should not cause dismay in onlookers. But, since you are feeling nervous, I recommend some short-ish, pleated print skirts; cute, fashionable ones. Lots of them on sale right now, and a skirt may be less likely to elicit comments, but is still very cool, esp. in cotton or linen. Pima cotton shell, in women's sizes, in lots of colors. Linen camp shirts are nice to have to throw on on top of a tank top.

Hot + humid = sticky thighs + chafing. Corn starch is great for this.

You're doing great, making really important life changes, improving your health. I sort of want to hug you, too. Every time you feel like strangers may be judging you, just remember that your invisible Internet friends want to hug you. That should make you smile.
posted by theora55 at 7:00 PM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

i am not as big as you, but i have issues with my thighs, so i enjoy wearing skirts with bike shorts underneath (made of a wicking material, not cotton). it looks more put-together and is still cool and comfy.

seconding (thirding, fourthing) the advice to wear clothing that fits. don't try to hide your size under baggy clothes, as that will just make you look schlumpy. obviously, don't go too tight--you don't want to create lumps where there aren't any.

for example, in those two pictures, i think the morbidly obese girl looks better than the obese girl, because she's wearing clothing that fits her body. (okay, the shirt's a size too small, but the skirt works.)

as for a swimsuit, forget the black-is-slimming dictum if you are fair-skinned. the thing to avoid is a high contrast between your skin and the suit, because those lines will be unflattering. also, i find patterns tend to hide lumps and rolls better than a solid color, but others may disagree. i'm a big fan of surf shorts, which are basically like men's swim trunks. land's end has some that i've been eyeing for my vacation. that, with a tankini top, will keep you covered and comfortable.

most of all, wear whatever makes you comfortable. if you're comfortable, you'll enjoy yourself more. forget what other people think, if you can. you're not a whale, you're a curvy gal. have fun!
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:06 PM on July 10, 2008

Take note of all the advice here about how to feel physically comfortable....and forget the haters. Good god, 90% of us over the age of 15 look "gross" in swimwear, as seen through the eyes of an asshole!

I have heard/read coworkers, acquaintances, bloggers etc remarking on people they have seen at the pool, on the street, wherever. You know, the comments like,
What was she thinking or No one wants to see that!.

You know what? I'm one of those "single size girls", and *I* don't pass the "I would hit it" fark.com test in harsh lighting, if we're talking mouthbreathing teenaged virgins making the assessment. Cellulite (yeah, it's genetic--skinny muscular women get it too!), bruise easy, scars from old war wounds, sharp knees, you name it.

It's the beach....you know when they tell you that if you're feeling socially anxious about a big speech you should picture the audience in their underwear? Yeah, well everyone else out there is just as half naked as you are, in various stages of aging/goofiness/decrepitude. I have a couple friends whose dress sizes are in the 20s, and they certainly doesn't hide their stuff (though they tend to stick with one piece suits) when they go out to the beach or tubing with friends. (They may be a bit older, though--you sound young....and I wanted to give you a hug too--I don't literally understand how you feel about this, but you gotta stop hating on your own body! I wish I could sentence everyone to an afternoon at a beach in Europe, or even a nude beach, where being a half-crippled gnome with an extra limb would be taken in stride.)

Sun feels really good on skin.
posted by availablelight at 7:37 PM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

The girls in the pictures you linked to really aren't that big. Size 18/20 is very common. It's barely plus-size. You won't look different from anybody else. Remember, everybody feels like a beached whale in hot weather so don't pick on yourself.

That said, here are things I have learned about dealing with my large ass in the hot Virginia summers:

Luvees rock the house. I can wear skirts now! I get the all-in-one panties since the thigh covers are just too weird and kept slipping. YMMV. I suspect the thigh covers work better on taller people (I'm 5'4").

Nothing tight or trashy. The omigod-what-is-she-wearing reaction stems from chicks who wear something that just doesn't fit. You really can look good at any size, you just have to wear what fits.

Create a waist. They talk about this a lot on the tv show What Not to Wear. Look for seams in the shirt that make an hourglass shape, like 2 C's back to back: )(

Find something you like about yourself and make it the focus. This is a completely different mindset from finding what you don't like and hiding it. I bet you have boobs. Celebrate them!

Another thing they talk about on what not to wear is Color, Pattern, Texture, Shine. Try to make an outfit with at least a couple of those. Brightening up your look is so much better than trying to hide in a potato sack.

Draw the eye upward. I am a big fan of short, chunky necklaces or big earrings. It gives people something to look at other than my butt.

A V-neck is almost always slimming because it elongates you.

Pointy toe shoes do the same thing. Avoid an ankle strap or anything that will break up the line so you look maximally long and lean.

A wrap dress or wrap style shirt is almost always flattering because it has the V-neck, plus it creates a waist, plus the fabric draws in at the waist in a bunch of folds, thus hiding any bulges at the midriff.

The what not to wear folks also frequently advise getting tops and dresses with empire waists (they come in tight right under the bust). Personally that style doesn't work on me but you should give it a try because they advise it all the time.

Good shoes make you feel sexy. You deserve to feel sexy. You're going on vacation. The goal is not to hide. It's to radiate the joy of feeling good about yourself so that everyone who interacts with you comes away a little bit happier just for having met you.
posted by selfmedicating at 7:56 PM on July 10, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

Oh fuck them. You should not be concerned, and if you convey yourself as confident and even sexy, then you are set. Tank tops and shorts are fine unless they are "short" shorts in which case most people can't pull that off. I spent years of my life avoiding shorts because I was worried what people would think, and I was wrong. Also, as far as bathing suits go, Lane Bryant has a number of attractive suits.
posted by unknowncommand at 8:19 PM on July 10, 2008

Though, for some reason, I am compelled to suggest that you avoid looking "cute" or "pretty" or "frilly". You want strong and sexy and unabashed.
posted by unknowncommand at 8:20 PM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I was fascinated by that flickr set you linked to. I looked through all the photos, and I thought many of the people categorized as overweight and morbidly obese had done a very good job choosing their clothing--it fit and flattered them. They looked confident and attractive. So I think it's more about knowing what looks good on you than about following any specific rule.

Take a friend shopping with you and get an honest opinion on which clothing options suit you best. Or if the store has a reasonable return policy, buy several options and try them on again at home where the lighting is better and you aren't distracted by standing barefoot on some gross carpeting in a dressing room. Taking photos of yourself in the clothes and looking at them a day or two later can also help you objectively assess how you look. Keep the clothes that flatter you the most and return the rest.

Also, get a really good haircut if you haven't in a while, and a pedicure, too. A bit of extra primping beforehand will help you feel your best.

Hope you have a great vacation!
posted by chippie at 8:44 PM on July 10, 2008

i am fatter than you. WAY FATTER THAN YOU. hurfdurf, even. i've also been a little lax about shaving my pits daily (oh the humanity!). but i still wear a tank top. because i hate being hot. i hate it a lot. it makes me miserable.

and because fuck other people. i don't care if my "hideous body" offends their delicate eyes; i want to not die of heat exhaustion.

YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT BE CONCERNED ABOUT GROSSING OTHER PEOPLE OUT OR OFFENDING THEM WITH YOUR FAT AND CELLULITE. sure, you want to look nice and not look like a slob, but that's different from offending people. fat people can dress well just like skinny people can dress very, very badly. bear your arms, wear some shorts!

now. if you are looking for particular suggestions about types of swim suits to try, or fat lady stores to shop at, you should email me (in profile).
posted by misanthropicsarah at 8:50 PM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

As long as you wear clothes that fit you properly, the majority of people will not pay too much attention to the fact that you're fat. The thought may flit through their mind; it will be gone in seconds. The real scorn is generally provoked by women who wear too-tight, too-revealing, inappropriately (for the situation) sexy clothes. Also, super-cheap clothes tend to not do your least favorite body part any favors.

Tank tops are fine, but if you're really self-conscious about your arms, wear short-sleeve shirts. I'm skinny and I don't wear shorts or above-knee skirts because I don't like my knobby knees (now I'm thinking about my knobby knees instead of your cellulite. See how easily we get distracted from your cellulite?) I think that it is more flattering for most bodies to dress up a bit more than the minimum, I especially think that wearing saggy, worn-out clothes looks sloppy and contributes to the idea that fat = lazy (Note: I don't think that fat = lazy.)
posted by desuetude at 8:54 PM on July 10, 2008

You are allowed to be fat. You are allowed to have fat arms, fat legs, cellulite, quadruple chins, etc. You deserve to be comfortable in hot weather. You are allowed to have a body that does not appeal to some people...and one that (I guarantee) does appeal to other people.

People do not have a right to be protected from things that don't match their aesthetic ideal, especially when protecting them means that you're sweltering miserably in the heat. I know that you're trying to be a good sport and self-deprecating, but really, you are just as entitled to be comfortable and enjoy the summer as everyone else on the planet.

Be comfortable and be happy.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 8:55 PM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I agree with all the advice saying fit is most important. The "what was she thinking" comments are about fit. My cousin calls it the "Trick Mirror" effect. This is when you see someone in an awful outfit (say, skin-tight orange bike shorts while not jogging) and realize that they looked in a mirror at some point and said, "Oh yeah, this looks GOOD!" If your clothes are decent and fit well, no one's laughing at you. If you're wearing a shirt that says, "Don't you wish your girlfriend was HOT like me" be prepared to be judged.

Also, think about men. I want to be like men. They are usually quite happy with all of their hairiness and beer guttedness. I've NEVER know a man to say, "I look terrible in shorts!!"

Also, screw that that you're on vacation and no one knows you - people who know you shouldn't think, "Gasp! Upper arms!!" either. You don't need a little shawl either, unless it makes you feel more confident. No one is going to be shocked if you wear regular clothes.

If you haven't seen it, watch Joy Nash's Fat Rant.
posted by artychoke at 9:05 PM on July 10, 2008

I like to wear board shorts to swim in - hides the butt & thighs, and then you can wear whatever you like on top - a swimsuit top, a cute tank, a t-shirt, whatever. I first did it because I wanted more coverage for snorkeling, and then realized I really liked not having my butt hang out or worrying about my bikini line or whatever. And when you feel more comfortable, you're more attractive generally. Go out and enjoy!
posted by judith at 9:51 PM on July 10, 2008

What should you wear? A smile, sunscreen and confidence.

Really, you are fine. I promise you that if you carry yourself with confidence a few extra pounds isn't going define you. You deserve to enjoy your vacation with feeling shame about your body. You are fine.
posted by 26.2 at 10:52 PM on July 10, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

First, congratulations on size-loss and new life! Keep up the good work!

As for what wear I operate by two criteria; Do I look good? Is it functionable? The "do I look good" criterion includes things as is the cut right for me; as an overweight woman myself, I like V-cut necks and sleek lines, vertical, and the hour-glass creating lines (I have, as selfmedicating, been watching What Not to Wear, and they have a lot of good advice on how to think when one shops.) I also like the current (at least here) trend of tops that flare out over or just under the breasts - we just call them belly-hiders :) Some of the wrap-around stuff looks good - where it emphasizes (my) breasts, but still hang loosely over (my) belly.

I prefer trousers to skirts, and prefer boot cut or capris, loose cut, but not oversized, linen or linen-cotton blends in summer (although summers here is usually 15° C and rain.). Is the tights under tunica/skirt fashion still in fashion? It can look good on some people, and then you don't get the chafing thing.

At the beach I wear either a one piece bathing suit in a dark solid colour with some lighter markings, I find it vital to have one with some breast-lifting contraption, both because I have huge breasts and becasue it gives my body some sort of shape. I also on occasions wear a bikini, but I do have some belly-issues - it's huge and white. On the other hand it looks way better when it is huge and tanned. So I push my shoulders back and don't care about what others think. (I also refuse to learn what "cellulites" are, so I don't have any)

Find something you like, and that flatters you; don't go for the oversized and undercoloured. That doesn't fit anyone! And it makes you look uglier. And fatter! But clothes that fits, a nice haircut (yes!) and some elegant shoes can make everyone good. I hate shopping myself (even though it doesn't sound like it now!), but lately I've found that there are some shops, especially the plus-sized ones, where I can go in and say: dress me. Usually they are really good at finding things that flatter me, and some of them can also tell me what looks really bad on me. so I really recommend that.

Have a wonderful holiday!
posted by mummimamma at 2:10 AM on July 11, 2008

Just a data point. I kept going to the gym when I was pregnant, up to 40 weeks, and I got stared at A LOT. I never saw other pregnant women at my gym -- it just didn't happen. Not everyone looks like Angelina Jolie when they're pregnant. I'm short waisted, got enormous boobs, and they rested on my enormous stomach. I looked like a toad on a stairmaster.

I started to notice the broad range of physical challenges people had, the seventy-year-olds getting on the treadmills to do their morning walks, the overweight people, the people in there rehabbing knees and elbows and who knows what after car accidents or whatever, and a lot of people who seemed wounded on the inside, who seemed intent on making over their bodies post-divorce (I don't know why that seemed obvious to me. I could be making it up.) and it occurred to me that thanks to my own self-consciousness I'd never really seen how many, many people are working with the bodies they have, trying to be okay with them in the world.

When you feel self-conscious it seems like the world is filled with glamourpusses, and there's plenty of those, but there's also tons of people who are also working on being okay with their bodies too and I found comfort in that as I wondered how many calories I burned off pretending not to notice I was being stared at.

At any rate, wear what feels comfortable, in styles you like, in the correct size -- don't wear anything that strangles your waist or cuts underneath your boobs -- it feels like self-punishment. And I can't recommend this enough (as someone who recently had a pregnancy related rollercoaster boob experience) get two good bras that fit well. And have fun!
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:54 AM on July 11, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I have permanent "disabilities" (scare quotes used because they don't actually limit me) that cause some people to stare. When I was younger I got teased a lot and was really hurt by it, but now I Just.Don't.Give.A.Shit. My self-confidence seems to be contagious because now I almost never get rude comments or stares. I think it's partly because I've stopped looking for people who disapprove of me, too. People will take their cues from you. Dress like you respect yourself and like you expect everyone else to as well. Call people on it when they disrespect you. You are the fucking Queen of the Universe. Act like it.
posted by desjardins at 5:44 AM on July 11, 2008

My weight fluctuates dramatically -- I've been very thin, and I've been quite chubby. The funny thing is, I feel like you do regardless of my weight. The problem isn't the weight -- it's how you feel about yourself.

If you feel bad about your appearance and worry what other people think, then you are giving them the power and permission to ruin your vacation. Don't give them that power. Remember that everyone has flaws, even those who might gawp at you in a swimsuit. As the old joke goes, you can always lose the weight, but they will always be ugly (in their mindset). Where whatever the hell you want, and focus on having a wonderful, relaxing, memorable vacation. It's YOUR vacation -- don't let jerks take that away from you.
posted by Houstonian at 6:13 AM on July 11, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I do get really skeeved out being subjected to nastiness so I appreciate your concern! (Lime green g-string = Bad. Very very bad! Normal ol' swimmers = Good.) But no, the fact that your worried about it means there's no danger of that - whatsoever! Because it is mostly a sloppy/trashy thing. Usually the particular clothes, worn like that - would just look bad on anyone regardless.

And yeah, you go to the gym... where all the *beautiful people* are?? I'm just weak and devoid of tone and the thought of going there intimidates me. Lady, you are my god-damn hero. If you wanna wear the lime green g-string then you just go right ahead. You've earned it!!

...Only please wax first though :)
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 7:27 AM on July 11, 2008

Dude, I see overweight people at the beach all the time. Haters are gonna hate, but don't sweat it. I wonder how those people enjoy their vacation, with all the hating they have to do. Seriously, you'll see people way fatter than you are wearing less. Most of the skinny girls have cellulite too, so don't worry about that either.

If you're worried about looking outright bad, just make sure you get something that fits well. Most of the time swimsuits are unflattering because people try to wear something that's too small. If you do that, you won't have much to worry about. Well, that you can prevent, anyway. Like others have said, if someone has some hang-up that makes them say crappy things about you, it's nothing you can fix. And really, don't worry what they think.
posted by Nattie at 8:49 AM on July 11, 2008

Seconding Fatshionista. Lots and lots of ideas, sources, solidarity, and encouragement there.
posted by ottereroticist at 9:28 AM on July 11, 2008

As long as it's sized properly, wear what you're comfortable in.

Also, see here.
not a clothing link, but it seems appropriate to the conversation
posted by owtytrof at 9:28 AM on July 11, 2008

Nthing almost every comment here. I'm about the same size. Personally, I feel more comfortable in skirts, because shorts tend to bunch up in between my thighs, which is uncomfortable and not that attractive. A few nice, light A-line skirts for sightseeing, walking around, even going to the beach make me happy on vacation. (Another piece of What Not to Wear wisdom)

I also want to echo that covering up on the beach is not the answer. It really just draws more attention: whenever I see a woman wearing a huge t-shirt and shorts in the water, I think "she must really hate her body." If you want to cover up from the sun, a beach shift or cover-up works, or a sarong tied around your waist looks great.
posted by lunasol at 10:27 AM on July 11, 2008

I'm about the same size as you (although built very differently than the women in the photos) and also very self-conscious - to the point that I won't wear pink, gray, or certain patters because I'm afraid that people will look at me and be reminded of a pig, elephant, or sofa. Because of my self-consciousness I am constantly looking at (and judging, let's not be delicate here) other women's bodies and clothes. I find that the women who I think "I want to look like that" and the ones who I think "I hope like hell that's not what people see when they look at me" are separated more by style and fit of clothes and attitude than they are by weight.

Women of any size who are wearing clothes that fit their bodies properly, are flattering styles, and who seem comfortable and not obsessed with how they look, are the most attractive. Women who wear superfluous shawls, t-shirts over bathing suits, and long jeans in hot weather are crying out "Don't look at me!" so loudly that you can't help but look.

All of the commenters who are saying "Don't worry about what others think!" are awesome, but might not realize how difficult that is when you spend every moment thinking about how fat you are. So here is what I, another overweight and extremely self-conscious woman, do: I found a flattering bathing suit (one-piece, patterned, with a very subtle texturing over the tummy to camouflage jiggly-ness) and I wear it under a sun dress that I feel pretty in. This means that I can just pull the dress off when I'm ready to head in the water, and put it back on again once I've dried off a bit. I am only visible in my bathing suit when I am actually in, or heading to and from, the water, and I'm in my lovely sun-dress at other times. I don't wear a t-shirt or wrap, because that just draws attention to my self-consciousness. Instead, I try to project a "I am having so much fun, I love the summer, the sun, the water" vibe rather than a "I'm sorry you have to look at my quivering flesh, of which I am so ashamed" vibe, and it works. I think that I am one of those women who people see and think "She's overweight, but really pretty and confident," and I am totally happy with that.

Otherwise, I wear dresses and skirts all the time. I would wear shorts, but I don't like anything much above the knee, and think that capris emphasize the width of my ass and make me (and most big women, really) look like peg-legs.

Really, though. Be well-groomed, wear stuff you'll be comfortable in, and have a confident attitude. That's all you really need. Enjoy your vacation!
posted by arcticwoman at 12:00 PM on July 11, 2008

Yay! I love this thread!

I agree with everyone else - you wear what you want to wear. If people are that bothered by how you look, they certainly have every right to look somewhere else!

I look back at my teens and twenties and am a bit sad about how my body insecurity prevented me from going to the beach, or wearing anything but a modest one-piece (with a beach towel wrapped around my waist of course) if I did decide to go. I wasn't even overweight! I was always a size 8 - 10.

Then, as I got a bit older (and a bit bigger), I started to care a little bit less what people thought of me and decided to try (gasp!) a bikini. I'll tell ya, once I got the feel of the sun and the breeze on my skin, I knew there was no going back.

Lots of great links provided above, but my real peeve is that plus-sized women's clothing almost never seems to include bikinis. I know not everyone may have the body confidence I do on the beach, but no one is ever going to get it either if they don't see other normal sized or bigger girls looking great in bikinis. Here is a site that has plenty of bikinis, and they use some bigger sized models as well. I am about the size of this girl and I wear a bikini every time I hit the beach. If people are bothered by that, I don't notice and I don't care.

So yeah, wear what make you happy and comfortable! Go out there and show everyone how women of all sizes can be and are gorgeous. You could well be a great influence on the women who spend their summers all covered up in the hot weather because they think they have something to be ashamed of. Don't think about the people who might be looking at you and hating, think instead about the people looking at you and thinking how great you look and how they wish they had the kind of confidence you do.

The one thing that can interfere with a girl's hot weather fun is the chafing. Luckily we recently had a great thread tackling that as well.

So go buy some sundresses and swimsuits and have a great vacation! And STOP calling yourself a whale!
posted by triggerfinger at 12:14 PM on July 11, 2008

i'm probably a little fatter than you. don't ever call yourself a whale, darling. you don't have to make excuses to anyone. whether or not someone finds you fuckable is not your duty and purpose in life.

as joy nash says, you get ONE LIFE. this one. live it. or as someone else said, the only thing you can tell about me by my ass is the size of my jeans (and maybe even not that). no apologies.
posted by micawber at 12:27 PM on July 11, 2008

I am 60 pounds overweight and refuse to wear anything longer than shorts when it's over 90F.

Those who think fat women should only wear burkas can get stuffed.
posted by brujita at 2:02 PM on July 11, 2008

I'm in the same weight range as you, judging from the photos. I agree that there are some people who just like to talk about the fatties and baldies and pretty much anyone that could possibly be made fun of. That's their hobby... it doesn't mean that they're offended or grossed out. They just like to talk about how (derogatory adjective) other people are.. Seriously, they can look away anytime they want to.

But if YOU feel uncomfortable, walk onto the beach wearing a cover-up or clothing. Get yourself situated and comfortable, and then take the wraps off as gradually as feels right. You can't just will yourself not to feel self-conscious! Once you're all SPF'd and enjoying the sun, you'll feel good and you won't mind... plus, you'll be able to gaze about and see that nobody's even batting an eye. But in the first few minutes, I'm always kind of leary; there's really no way around it.
posted by wryly at 2:53 PM on July 11, 2008

If you're on a beach, most people who care to think about it will be too busy worrying about their belly or ass or whatever. They're freaking out over whether or not they're skinny, not whether or not you are. Don't underestimate the power of self-absorption. :)
posted by Solon and Thanks at 4:42 PM on July 11, 2008