talking with an ex?

July 9, 2008 8:05 PM

How to deal with a sensitive personal situation with an ex?

An ex-girlfriend of mine just recently contacted me via email to tell me that near the end of our relationship (just over five years ago), she was very depressed and felt terrible about herself because, among other things, she was raped in our neighborhood.

At the time, I had no idea that this had happened, but did clearly notice her tremendous slide into depression. She had always been depressed, which I accepted, and I broke up with her other reasons (I couldn't see myself wanting to marry her, and we had been together long enough that it was the very next step).

Obviously, I want to be supportive, and to help her get closure. While we have both moved on, at one time we were in love. Although I had no clue that it had happened, my rejection of her after the event must have made what was already a bad breakup much worse for her. We haven't talked for years.

Hence, my question: Her psychologist suggested that she contact me and tell me about this incident and I don't know the best way to respond. I want to be supportive and caring. Contacting me seems like an attempt for closure that I want to provide.

posted by anonymous to human relations (13 comments total)

I would probably tell her about what you wrote above - that you had no clue, that you understand she was going through a lot, and that you'd like to know what she needs from you to help. She might want to meet you for coffee and talk about it, she might feel like she wants to re-interpret the breakup with you in light of this information - hell, she might just want to hear for sure that you didn't know about it at the time. Who knows? But honestly, I'd ask her - express sympathy, tell her you want to help, and ask her how.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:15 PM on July 9 [2 favorites]

I would just acknowledge how difficult that time must have been for her and how sorry you are she had to go through it alone. I would also just listen to her, probably a big part of this is she needs to tell you what she didn't tell you a long time ago and needs you to just know what happened.
posted by whoaali at 8:21 PM on July 9

I'm not a therapist - but I'm a little mad at your girlfriend's. For all s/he knows you're an emotional clod who'd respond by making it about you (why didn't you tell me? didn't you trust me? etc.) Luckily, you aren't, but I'd be uncomfortable to be flying blind like this. Just be honest - I imagine you're angry at the man who did this to her, and you're sad it happened, and you're glad that she's seeking therapy to get help in processing it. Certainly email back with your feelings, and if you're comfortable doing so, you might include your number and invite her to call and talk if she likes. If you aren't - that's ok, too.
posted by moxiedoll at 8:27 PM on July 9

Tell her how proud you are of her for working through her depression, confronting this in therapy, and moving her life in a positive direction. She sounds very strong; affirm that in a way that's positive but not condescending.
posted by junkbox at 8:55 PM on July 9 [2 favorites]

Things you might say if they feel true to you: I'm so sorry that happened to you; I'm sorry you went through that alone; I'm sorry you didn't feel okay telling me; I'm sorry I didn't figure it out somehow (aside: not that you should have); I'm sorry I didn't do more (aside: not that you knew or should have known). Etc.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:00 PM on July 9

In addiiton to the positive, supportive things mentioned above, make it clear that you did not break-up with her because of (or solely because of) her behavior after the rape. You could also thank her for letting you know since it will help you better understand what was happening the relationship at the end.

You might also want to let her know that while the relationship is long in the past, she was an important person in your life. Specific examples like "I still like the music you introduced me to" or "I smile when I see xx because it reminds me our good times."

I guess what I am trying to say, is that if she wants closure from you, then it is about you and her and not mainly about the rape. So closure would be letting her know that relationship did have value to you but it also was doomed to end, even without the rape. (Just remember this advice from a complete stranger - you will have to figure out for yourself (or ask her) what she really needs from you.)
posted by metahawk at 10:10 PM on July 9 [2 favorites]

Respond quickly. She took a risk reaching out to you. Don't spend ages trying to find the exact right words. While you're wordsmithing she is waiting. What you've written here is fine - you're sorry it happened and you want to help. You can always have a longer dialog later, but get an answer to her as quickly as you can.
posted by 26.2 at 10:22 PM on July 9 [6 favorites]

Psychologist sucks ass. Are you SURE its a "psychologist" and not a "therapist". I can setup shop and be a "therapist"...anybody can.

I don't understand what the purpose of her telling you was...???

Anyways, all you can do is be supportive and *try* to let it be known that you didn't break up with her for anything that may have come out of this horrible incident.

Man, my stomach squirmed when I thought about you saying that to her.

Just be supportive, give her whatever support and friendship she needs.

Good luck.
posted by hal_c_on at 12:39 AM on July 10

contrary to what waste majority think about 'closure' word, it is meant to open the door so that the person can leave and live further (as opposed to 'closing the case for good'). Besides answering her questions, my advice would be to also offer her the gift of knowing what you think you did not do well/ could have done better while you were still together. The simple "I screwed things up" uttered years after breakup made it for me: something that no other talk and analysis could do. In fact, the "I couldn't see myself wanting to marry you" would take a lot of self-inflicted guilt from her shoulders.
I do not mean that you failed anything or anyone in this situation. She needs to know that she deserved love, dedication, and commitment no matter how depressed she was.
posted by Jurate at 1:27 AM on July 10

I don't understand what the purpose of her telling you was...???

It was a secret, one that cut her off from someone she had once been intimate with, regardless of where the relationship was headed anyway.

I very much doubt (as it sounds like the original poster does as well) that there is any desire on her part to rewrite the relationship with this info, make the poster feel guilty, etc.

Just the act of telling you in the first place (and your acknowledgment that you received the news, and are sorry it happened) may have been the closure she was looking for. To come out of hiding, to allow oneself to be "known" again, is a significant part of the journey back to the new normal.

Because it's really bizarre that a major crime happened to her, in your shared neighborhood, and she kept that secret, right? Well, now that bizarreness is over for her....and the world hasn't come to an end because she said something.
posted by availablelight at 9:37 AM on July 10 [1 favorite]

I can't speak to the specifics of her situation but I have had a slide into depression happen alongside and/or contribute to a breakup. I was fortunate enough to stay in touch with my ex and at a later time, once I'd recovered, I did discuss my depression with him. My impulse to do so was partially as an apology - I felt some guilt over being depressed and thus not the best partner I could have been. I wanted the ex to know that there was other stuff going on in my head aside from him. I wanted to hear from him that he understood and, I guess, didn't blame me or think badly of me.

What someone said upthread about her wanting to re-evalute the relationship sounds about right to me. It probably isn't a situation where she wants to fix things and get back together, but rather talk about how things went wrong and how her depression and rape affected the relationship. It may help her for future relationships to know how much of your relationship ending was attributable to her personality change after the incident and how much was just usual relationship dwindling. Understanding that may help her in feeling more prepared for/less frightened of future relationships as she gets past the rape in therapy.

Best wishes to both of you.
posted by ahimsa at 11:06 AM on July 10

This is a bit weird. She told you this over email? Out of the blue, five years later? Without any regard to what your situation might be like, or how this news might effect you? And she did not state her intentions or reasons for telling you?

There is a lot to speculate about here. Who knows where she is at in the healing process. I hope that one day she gets through all of this, but part of that process may include the following:

She may one day realize that her coping mechanisms at the time forced the both of you to have two very separate experiences and realities of the relationship. When people are not aware, sensitive to, or a part of other peoples true experience of the world, a distance is created and they are both helpless in creating and maintaining a meaningful connection. These relationships don't often succeed because one or both parties are not aware of the true reality of the other, esp. as emotional distance increases.

Your reasons for breaking up with her were what they were, and they were based on all the information you had to work with. In a sense, the way things happened could be construed as somewhat fortuitous. If the relationship was destined to not continue, and you were not made privy to the horrible events and depression she endured, then I would doubt that she is holding you responsible or looking for an explanation from you (you're not a mindreader). Then again, I'm totally speculating. Who knows? Maybe you were a total jerk in the relationship? Maybe she tried to tell you what had happened to her? Maybe you ignored her depression? Maybe you were abusive? I'm assuming you're none of these things. Only you know the answers to that. Regardless, you're kind of in a bind until you know what is expected of you here. If you still care for her, and would like to find out what her needs are and if you can help her with them, then ask and proceed accordingly.

Also, if you want to get involved in this, and you have time and money, maybe set up a one hour appt. with a therapist or psychologist and explore your options for this particular situation. A professional opinion might help you get to answers and revelations in less time and or worry that you'd spend otherwise (when you add up internet research, discussions with friends, Metafilter, self-help books, etc.).
posted by iamkimiam at 4:17 PM on July 10

anonymous, i can understand this exact situation first hand, i could tell you about it but would rather not do so in public. if you'd like to email me, my email is twoyoungsheep at gmail dot com. if you'd like.
posted by Soulbee at 1:17 PM on July 14