Help me shrink myself by half.

July 9, 2008 6:33 AM

My girlfirend and I are about to move in to a new 3 bedroom flat with a couple of other friends, where we're going to be sharing one room together. How do we cope?

We've got the biggest room, which is reasonably spacious, but it's still going to be pretty cramped. I imagine personal space will also be a problem. We've shared rooms before, but then I always had my own place to go back to if I needed it.
I'm looking for tips or personal experiences from people who've done this before. Any out there?

posted by greytape to human relations (9 comments total)

Not to be too negative, but make sure you have a contingency plan in place for what will happen in terms of honouring the lease/fairness to your other roommates should you break up.
posted by orange swan at 6:55 AM on July 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Try to use your shared bedroom only as a spot to sleep (or do other bedroom-y things) as opposed to a spot to "hang out".
posted by Diskeater at 6:57 AM on July 9, 2008

The dynamics of a house with a couple in it are very different to those with a group of singles. Have you decided...

- What you'll do if (when) you argue with each other? You should try to keep the other housemates out of it. Seriously. And you can't both strop off to the room. Is there a library nearby?

- What to do if (when) you fall out with other housemates - there's nothing wrong with disagreements, but it can be a bit crap if the couple "gangs up" on people

- How you're going to split the bills - the last time I was in this situation we split the rent 3 ways but the bills 4 ways, and this seemed by far the fairest.

- Ditto housework - are you planning to make sure you do 2/4 of the washing up and so on? Will there be shared cooking?

- How are you two with personal space? Are you the sort of couple who are OK lounging around reading books with headphones on in the same room? (in which case, cool!) or are you the kind of couple who have to be attentive to each other at all times? (in which case, cool! but you're going to need a bolt hole like a local library or something).

It can work fine, but these things are really worth considering.
posted by handee at 7:03 AM on July 9, 2008

General rules for living together;-

Make sure you talk about it regularly. Ask about how she's finding it and listen to what she says. The more you talk about things, the more you'll laugh about things.

Make sure you do what you say you will do.

If there is something you find impossible (squeezing the toothpaste from the wrong end could drive me to extremes) then note how stupid you are and find a solution (dont buy toothpaste in tubes...)

But mostly; don't worry! You won't have any problems which haven't been solved by millions before!
posted by BadMiker at 7:06 AM on July 9, 2008

Keep up with the cleaning, even if you find yourself putting in a little extra effort. Being seen doing things like cleaning out the fridge thoroughly, mopping, washing the windows can contribute to a more responsible feeling among your flatmates, but not always.

Don't set a precedent by asking permission to do normal things like having friends over.

If you can set up a couch and coffee table in your room. One of the worst things about roommates is having the common areas dominated, especially if they're TV addicts or the equivalent. By having a common area in your room, you're the only one who can monopolize it. Also, you don't have to hang out with your flatmates all the time. You could even have friends over to your room.

Minimize your clutter. This goes for everyone, but if you can leave a bunch of your things boxed up in storage you'll find you don't miss them and you'll all have room to think.

If you can, always be the first to get new toilet paper, dish soap or other shared items. It won't cost much over the course of the year, and your flatmates will kick in from time to time, but being sure you're not a drain on the household will help.

Always do your dishes immediately. If you don't clean while cooking, start doing so. If your roommates don't do their dishes, get a bus bin from a restaurant supply store, and stow their dishes somewhere where they won't be in your way while you cook. Consider making meals in batches at off-times so you have access to all of the kitchen.

And last but not least, take a hard look at your budget and figure out where you can trim it so that you and your girlfriend can get your own place as soon as possible. You can count on going out less to "have some privacy" once you have your own place. Everything else mentioned above is a stop-gap measure. Having roommates is a phase best left behind as soon as possible.
posted by jon_kill at 7:29 AM on July 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

Having roommates is a phase best left behind as soon as possible.

Seems a bit cynical. Bad experince?
posted by oxford blue at 7:42 AM on July 9, 2008

Have you lived with her before?

My boyfriend and I just moved in together. The biggest adjustment for me was dealing with morning routines. I am a roll-out-of-bed, get ready as fast as possible in a zombie-like state while trying to slurp coffee down type. He gets up earlier, likes to dawdle and talk and kiss and such. I finally had to tell him that his constant chatter, grabbing my butt while I was putting on makeup, etc, was not cutting it in the morning.
posted by radioamy at 10:35 AM on July 9, 2008

Nthing the need for a bolt-hole like the local library.

And I agree with Jon_kill: much as we loved our housemates, they were constant stressors on the relationship even when we were all getting along. (Even just worrying about not making too much noise, when to do our dishes, being woken by someone singing in their morning shower, that sort of thing, takes its toll over a couple years).

Once we got married and moved to our own place, it was so much easier.
posted by GardenGal at 11:44 AM on July 9, 2008

Cleaning can be an issue, if both partners aren't really, really diligent about keeping up with their fair share. Doing your partners dishes or laundry at the same time as your own is a nice thing to do without much extra burden, and it's greatly appreciated.

Are you two sharing a bathroom? Do you know each others' habits? You might want to agree on time limits, especially in the mornings. Or else leave the door unlocked when one person is showering so that the other can use the sink, mirror, etc.
posted by amicamentis at 7:03 PM on July 9, 2008