A father's sadness and deterioration

July 8, 2008 9:15 PM

My father is a severe alcoholic who has always had a propensity to cry and tear up at the drop of a hat. As he's gotten older (63) and his addiction has become more pervasive, it's gotten much more pronounced (recently 2 tear up episodes in 10 minutes of conversation, on average). I'm wondering whether this hyper-emotionality is an effect of the alcohol or possibly a genetic/organic predisposition...?

I too have a tendency to be sappy and prone to tears given some strong emotional input, though generally from movies or scenes scripted to be tear-jerking. A car commercial can make him cry, eating lobster which reminds him of his late wife, getting a certain catalog in the mail, mentioning his favorite bar... all of these things can trigger major sobbing. He also has as complicating factors COPD and poor nutrition. I deeply admire his sentimentality, but his friends and others around him have been remarking lately that he cries quite excessively and his drinking has increased markedly. Could this, combined with his medical status and a family history of early senility be antecedents of a progressive condition, or might this be some weird genetic abnormality surfacing at its peak?

I'll be on standby to answer followups, thanks in advance!

posted by moonbird to health & fitness (14 comments total)

It's like a cat chasing his tail. The drinking makes him sad. He's sad, so he drinks. Something needs to be done to stop the loop. Is a family intervention and a trip to rehab out of the question?
posted by netbros at 9:35 PM on July 8, 2008

Oh mercy, it's not just the alcohol. It's a part of growing old. We become more sentimental because we sense what we will be leaving behind. Our children, our friends. I'm sure the drinking exacerbates the sentimentality, but I just don't think there's anything weird about it. Is he taking an antidepressant? If not, it really could be helpful.
posted by wv kay in ga at 9:41 PM on July 8, 2008

Could this, combined with his medical status and a family history of early senility be antecedents of a progressive condition, or might this be some weird genetic abnormality surfacing at its peak?

Or he might just be a sad old man.

That's not a judgement or you or him or anyone else he knows. It sucks, but that's just how some people close it out.

It doesn't sound like there's a pill to fix what's wrong with him, so I think you're looking in the wrong direction (alcoholism, COPD, senility, diet etc.)
posted by Cyrano at 9:52 PM on July 8, 2008

Thanks for the responses, netbros and wv kay in ga. I neglected to mention that h does not see himself as an alcoholic, is refusing medical treatment, and is unlikely to respond to interventions since these have been done in abundance in the past. He is strongly against all things psychiatric. The state he's in does not allow for detox until the patient is medically stable, which his not and won't be without significant effort.
posted by moonbird at 9:53 PM on July 8, 2008

Cyrano, it does seem that he is choosing this to a certain degree as he has the funds available to turn himself completely around, and he knows it. Rather than fleeing in his post-retirement to the Bahamas, he's drinking his $ away from morning to night.
posted by moonbird at 9:56 PM on July 8, 2008

The last few months, I've been pretty much stuck at home, initially due to depression from work, and a particularly rough winter (up north in Ottawa). 14 feet of snow over the season is no fun. Regardless, having to fill 16 hours a day, well, alcohol definitely helps pass the time more quickly. Maybe he needs a hobby?

I can certainly sympathize with the increase in emotion. To be honest, I've sobbed more times in the last two months than the last 20 years. Alcohol is an effective depressant, so consider that as well.

One question, depending on how much Ive had to drink, and it's usually wine, or gin and tonic, (bad experiences with straight hard liquor) I get withdrawal shakes, typically within 12 hours if I haven't had a drink. Does he have the same issue? Although, if he drinks often enough, it's quite likely he may not get to the point of withdrawal. To be honest, I actually increased my drinking to avoid withdrawal symptoms.

I have some personal experience unfortunately, that I'm trying to find appropriate help for, but feel free to mefi me if you have any questions you think someone else who is going though the same issue may be able to help..

Cheers
Steve
posted by hungrysquirrels at 10:36 PM on July 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

My dad is 67 and does this more now, whereas it used to just happen in church settings. I heard him say once on the phone about it, "well, you have to shed some tears or they won't listen" and it took me a few decades to realize he was just hiding the fact that he's big softie. He might also be depressed right now. Oh, and diabetes-fueled dementia seems to be kicking in.
posted by mecran01 at 11:06 PM on July 8, 2008

I have a brother who is getting very emotional and teary as he ages ... he is in his late 50s. But his family also thinks that his type 2 diabetes is a contributing factor to his mood swings and emotionalism, so sugar levels may also be a factor for your Dad if he is an alcoholic - alcohol wreaks havoc with blood sugar levels. This would likely exacerbate his emotional volatility.

Other medical factors can contribute to emotional volatility and tearfulness. After my dad had a stroke, he cried all the time - for sad things, for happy things, and everything in between. A friend's dad who had a heart attack became uncharacteristically emotional and frequently became emotional or wept over small things.

Don't discount mere aging, moonbird. Crying through the ages makes an interesting point:
"With age, however, the tables turn on men and women as it relates to crying. According to Women's Health Magazine, in middle age, men begin to cry more and get angry less, while women experience the exact opposite. This is due in large part to our old pals testosterone and estrogen, which begin to decline in men and women respectively and help to even out the playing field."
posted by madamjujujive at 11:25 PM on July 8, 2008

The first six words of your post, "my father is a severe alcoholic": essential.

The rest of your post: incidental.

The problem is the alcohol. I don't think you should waste time speculating about genetics or innate sentimentality or whatever, even if they exist. From the standpoint of priority, these other considerations are, functionally, red herrings. Enablers, even, in their capacity to distract and delay.

From what I've seen, people can't figure out how to stop drinking on their own, nor can all their smart and determined friends and family-- as long as they are laypeople. Consult an expert.
posted by Rich Smorgasbord at 11:36 PM on July 8, 2008

Oh, and I'm not thinking of a psychiatrist or a pharmacologist. I mean someone familiar with what actually works and what doesn't.
posted by Rich Smorgasbord at 11:44 PM on July 8, 2008

moonbird, I am so sorry.

Your father's history makes him a prime candidate for alcohol-related or vascular dementia; the COPD makes him particularly vulnerable. Both require management and above all, alcohol cessation. Both can lead to significant neurological impairment.

I'd say step one is a doctor visit, ideally with a neurologist, who can examine your dad, take a history, and do a thorough exam. Your dad is hostile to intervention right now but if tests show he's suffering from ARD or some other neurological problem, a frank discussion of what he can expect to happen to him if he doesn't stop drinking might persuade him otherwise. If his tests are clean then you'll probably get a recommendation for a depression screening.

There are few things more heartbreaking than watching someone you love on a course like this and you truly have my sympathies.
posted by melissa may at 12:08 AM on July 9, 2008

The sobriquet "crying drunk" is accurate for many people who drink. Many drinkers have a tendency to become maudlin or morose if they drink heavily, and depending on what goes on around them, this can devolve into general sadness, or even uncharacteristic meanness.

You might look into the HBO series "Addiction" for some ideas on helping your father. In particular, some new medications for treating alcoholism (Campral, naltrexone, topiramate) are described, that may help, if a doctor finds that they are appropriate for your father. Some areas in the U.S. are pioneering new treatment support strategies for alcohol too, including new family strategies such as CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training). I mention these because not everyone benefits by traditional 30 day inpatient rehab, and some studies are showing good results with these outpatient alternatives. Since your dad is resistant to traditional treatment, looking for alternatives seems a reasonable step at this point.
posted by paulsc at 1:42 AM on July 9, 2008

(((moonbird))) IMHO, it's not just the alcohol. Sensitivity *is* genetic. I can easily pick out members in my family tree who got it, myself being one of them. I'm guessing it must be twice as difficult if one is male. My dad cried every day until he was 30. He balanced out for awhile, now he is 78 and has had multiple strokes & again cries easily.

I would guess there are multiple things at play with your dad, including age, the alcoholism, and whatever health issues he has. The alcoholism, BTW may have developed as a coping mechanism for the sensitivity curse, not the other way around.

If you could manage to get him to a shrink type to talk about the sensitivity piece (forget the alcoholism for now, just let it be), it may be way to work around to it. In a nutshell, as I'm sure you know, it sucks to be yanked around by emotions. Mine have been greatly mitigated by zoloft, and have improved my life measurably!

Either way, I sympathize and wish you and your dad the best.
posted by yoga at 5:36 AM on July 9, 2008

Moonbird: As he's gotten older (63) and his addiction has become more pervasive, it's gotten much more pronounced (recently 2 tear up episodes in 10 minutes of conversation, on average)....A car commercial can make him cry, eating lobster which reminds him of his late wife, getting a certain catalog in the mail, mentioning his favorite bar... all of these things can trigger major sobbing.

My dad does this a lot - he's 67. He's very emotional, depressed (won't seek help), has a lot of psychological, emotional, mental health problems (no no, according to him psychologists should to to *him* for advice). He also has a very bad temper, but that's always been there. My dad doesn't drink, at all, and has never been a drinker. For him, I think he's realizing any mistakes he's made in life, lamenting over them severely, having regrets, wondering how things "should have been" and frankly, feeling sad that he's set in his ways (he'd never admit it, of course). He's getting old and crotchety and sentimental and emotional.

For you, it could very well be the alcohol that's the source of his grief - but it may not be the only factor. Is his hyper-sensitivity new? Does it correspond to his alcohol-intake? They may be distinctly separate issues, but fueled by each other. Is your dad open to talking to a specialist or get some counseling - if anything, to talk about why he's so emotional all the time? (and I feel for you, it's really, really hard to deal with this, and to listen to a parent in one of these episodes. best of luck with your dad)
posted by raztaj at 6:53 AM on July 9, 2008