Help with saying No to drugs

July 8, 2008 7:57 PM

Suggestions please re: pot smoking teenagers.

I am kind of at my wit's end because my children seem bound and determined to out-do me in stupid life choices.
In my teens and twenties I spent most of my money and brain power chasing after altered states of consciousness. I sobered up when I got pregnant in my thirties and educated myself and made a pretty good life for myself and the kids. Their dad still has issues and I've known quite a few people that did not make it at all.

One child started habitually pot smoking halfway thru high school with a drop in grades hand in hand. She had begun school with straight honors so test scores and am OK average were enough to get her into a college. Not one she wanted, but somewhere.
Younger sibling although very bright, has never been a fan of school and his grades show it. Now that he has discovered the high life he is flunking out. And seems OK with it.

Although we have no money to speak of, and I don't give the kids much because I know how it is spent, my kids attend(ed) a school with some very wealthy kids - kids with parents who throw money at them and leave them to their own devices. There is a large underground party circuit.
So, suggestions please. When my oldest was in her darkest period I told her some of my history in a therapy session and it was useful at the time. This now is thrown back at me periodically as my hypocracy. I counter with that it was easier to move forward 20 years ago, the economy, etc - and that I was incredibly lucky.
Please, no rants about how drugs are OK, yes I know some people do fine, WE DO NOT. Something about our metabolism makes us love it but it freezes us in time and space, and really, this is hard to see kids do. Also I do not want adults who want to live in my basement.
And we are headed back to therapy - but if you have been thru this, your constructive suggestions please!

e-mail - [e-mail]

Just to make it clear,yes, I keep an eye on them - both in fact, but I also need to make a living. Other than work I am home keeping track of things.

posted by anonymous to human relations (35 comments total)

My first thought - why do you give them any money? They both sound old enough to work, which would at least equate to a certain amount of hours where they wouldn't be getting high.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 8:22 PM on July 8

Gosh, I'm sorry to see you go through this. It sounds really hard and like you're doing everything you can think of already. It may be too little, too late for this suggestion but I hope it gives you some ideas.

My family (both sides) has a long history of sometimes deadly alcoholism and when I was 16 or so, my mom got me this book from the library about some high profile alcoholic and how hard it was on her and her family, and told me I should read it. I want to say it was George McGovern's daughter. Anyway, once I finished it she sat me down and said, look, you're your own person and you make your own choices, but I want you to make those choices knowing that alcoholism is in your blood, and that casual drinking can become something much worse over time with you than with some of your friends. It was a pretty intense conversation and that plus reading the book together made a pretty big impression. I think the thing that made the most impression was the point she made that just because my friends could play around with alcohol like it was nothing, doesn't mean I could get away with it. I guess it was one of the first times (other than endless skin cancer in all my older rels) when I really felt keenly that genetics aren't fair but that it's good to know where your weaknesses lie so you can plan around them. Better to make mistakes nobody else has made before than repeat the mistakes of others. In any case, despite my legal drinking age I am definitely not an alcoholic, so something went right.

Maybe you could find an account of someone with your type of relationship to drugs and tell your kids, this is where you come from and this could happen to you, and I want you to read this as a sort of full disclosure to help you plan your life and where drugs belong in it.

You may also want to make it abundantly clear that the basement is not open for tenancy :) I found that having no choice but to make my own way helped me make my own way.
posted by crinklebat at 8:27 PM on July 8 [1 favorite]

Just reading between the lines of your post, it sounds like your kids are walking all over you, taking advantage of the time that you are work to run wild, slipping off with rich friends to smoke weed and god knows what else.

Is there any way you can take a "shock and awe" approach with them? I.e., grounding them, withdrawing privileges, taking phone and computer time away from them, etc., and gradually restoring those privileges as they start shaping up? I've heard that this approach works.

If that doesn't work, get the police involved. I've seen really good parents have the police drag their kids into juvenile court, and something about having a juvenile court judge threatening a kid with incarceration until the age of majority tends to scare a lot of kids straight. I expect some commenters on this thread will think getting police involved is way overboard, but if it saves a kid from a life of basement dwelling loserdom, I think it's clearly worth it.

In short, you're in charge; make sure you act like it.
posted by jayder at 8:36 PM on July 8

If the kids are still attending school (I'm not sure how old they are from your description) could you get the school involved? If it's a public school they might have a drug abuse counselor (the high school I worked at did) and they will probably have social workers. If their grades dropped because of the drug use the school might step in. I know you said you were all headed back to therapy, but the kids might respond to having their own social workers, and they might be able to connect you with programs to keep the kids busy.

Good luck.
posted by christinetheslp at 8:41 PM on July 8

I'm with jayder and the police idea. If you think it's serious enough for it, then it was probably serious enough for it a while ago.

Despite any argument about the pot isn't that bad, it's still illegal. And that means there are still consequences if the kids get caught.

Also, they sell drug testing kits at Wal-Mart over in the pharmacy. I wouldn't trust myself so much that a positive there is as good as a conviction (and it does say right on the box that the results aren't necessarily real since you didn't handle it in a lab environment), but I definitely think it's good enough to go get a real test at a real lab.
posted by theichibun at 8:47 PM on July 8

Excellent advice here so far. I agree with most of it. Why are you giving your kids any money? If they need to pay for school activities, then you write the check to the school. If they need new clothes, buy them for them. It's clear from your post that they can't be trusted with money right now; cut off all money and if they shape up, put them on a small allowance and give them discretion as they earn your trust.

Keep in mind this is not a co-equal relationship. You are the parent, it's your house and if they don't like it, they're welcome to get a full-time job and move out. So don't let your daughter throw your prior misdeeds back in your face. You're only able to support them today because you made some life changes; your prior mistakes do not give them license to break your house rules. Further, don't be afraid to take action if they continue to use drugs after you told them to stop. I knew kids growing up who only shaped up because their parents weren't afraid to kick them out of the house if it came to that. This is a pretty classic tough love situation.

It might also help if they had some sort of long-range goals. If they know that you'll start charging rent when they graduate high school (or turn 18, if they drop out), it might inspire them to start planning for the future. I guess if they're 14 or so the future is light-years away, but it never hurts to define your boundaries. Some people have an opportunistic mindset and will take whatever they can get. This doesn't mean your kids are bad. It means they need structure and need you to put down rules and enforce them, regardless of whether their dad is setting a good example.
posted by Happydaz at 8:50 PM on July 8

- Tell them to get a job or leave the house. it's your house, they have to follow your rules or they're gone.
- Threaten to and eventually put them on probation w/
-=frequent urinalysis
-=curfew
-=community service

Pretty big guns, but that's what big guns are for, I should think.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 8:55 PM on July 8 [1 favorite]

I don't understand why it appears that pot = doing poorly in school. I'd venture a guess that they'd be doing poorly even if pot wasn't in the picture.

As such, I'd focus on graduating from high school as the end goal. Anything that you can do to show them that not having a high school diploma makes life tougher would be a good start.

And also focusing on why they are so distanced from doing well in school - low self-esteem? Low self-worth? Low self-respect?
posted by k8t at 9:11 PM on July 8 [1 favorite]

1- I would not get the police involved, or at least only as a last resort. Doing that is a final admission that you aren't in charge. You are telling them that you have ceeded authority over their behavior to someone else. You'll never get them to do anything again. Your house, your rules.

2- To shape them up, you have to shape yourself up. Go Chuck Norris on them. Do not make threats! Make promises. Anything you say like "this is the last time, next time I'm going to xxxx" and then not following through just proves to them that they can walk all over you. If you say you are going to do something, positive or negative, do it. And don't say things that you aren't going to do.

3- Charges of hypocrisy are the kids trying to deflect. Let them have their say and then tell them what's what. Your past behavior has NO bearing on what they can or cannot do. Develop the skill of not letting a thing they say deter the point you are trying to make or "get to" you- if they say shit like "I don't love you, you suck!" just laugh and tell them that you love them and you know they love you no matter what they say. They'll know it's true and it will deflate their attempts to get the upper hand.

4- Get involved with the other parents in the crowd. If there are parties going on at other people's houses, make them aware of it. If they blow you off, call the cops while the party is going on. DO NOT tell your kids you did this- parties get busted all the time, you have no idea what happened. If they are able to escape, good for them. If they get busted, that's the risk they run. Pot and booze violations are nothing in the grand scheme of things- youthful indiscretions. (This is in slight opposition to my #1, but not really- you're just being a good citizen. And you aren't telling your kids that the cops are in charge now.)

5- If you have to, take out the big guns: if they want to live in your house, they will take what's given to them. And then don't give them much: if they want food, they'll eat what you make, when you make it. Do not have anything fun in the house- they can drink water and eat an apple. Soda pop and Doritos are for grown ups who take responsibility for their lives. If it really gets bad, go boot camp on them: take the doors off their rooms, remove televisions, phones, computers. Privacy is for adults who follow the house rules. If you are paying for the cell phones, get one of those plans where they can only call certain numbers.

(Obviously, don't do anything that they could narc you out with the authorities about. They are just getting the bare minimum- no crime in that.)

6- In short, be a hard-ass. But in a loving sort of way. Two things should be understood in your home: you love them and they are always welcome. And they need to follow the rules.

7- Good luck! You are doing the right thing, don't get discouraged.
posted by gjc at 9:35 PM on July 8 [6 favorites]

k8t- Pot=bad grades because its more fun than doing homework.
posted by gjc at 9:37 PM on July 8

Tell them this true story. "My son died of an overdose at the age of 25. I didn't do any of the above mentioned strategies. I didn't know it was that bad. I still blame myself." I'll be thinking about you and wishing you and your teenagers the best.
posted by wv kay in ga at 9:55 PM on July 8 [1 favorite]

Are you absolutely sure the bad grades comes from smoking pot? Really? Because the pot smoking could very well be symptomatic of some other problem(s). Just as your kids shouldn't smoke a lot of pot, you shouldn't focus on the pot itself, but rather on what would help your kids.

People handle being high differently, and there are different kinds of highs, depending on health, quality of product, etc, etc. It seems silly to me to lump every high as a monolithic, unchanging event, and some people seem to be very well equipped to roll with being high as a freakin' kite. I have no idea why, it's maybe a mix of genes and a positive attitude towards getting baked. I knew folks who smoked multiple times a day (starting with a wake-n-bake), studied and read like crazy, even worked jobs, and graduated magna cum laude.

In other words, I suggest you separate the pot and the real problem. You can't OD on pot, so there's no medical danger here.
posted by zardoz at 10:00 PM on July 8 [2 favorites]

You are telling them that you have ceeded authority over their behavior to someone else. You'll never get them to do anything again.

No, I disagree with this. Willingness to call the police will be an unequivocal statement that you are a parent who doesn't take shit from unmotivated, pot-smoking brats.

Plato thought children should be raised by the state because children don't fear their parents. These children don't fear their mom. Therefore, she needs to bring in someone the children do fear, the police and/or juvenile court. Assuming juvenile court is doing its job, it will make the kids fear mom. Many times I have heard a juvenile court judge say, "If I hear from your mom that you are doing anything she doesn't like, you can look forward to being locked up until you are eighteen."
posted by jayder at 10:12 PM on July 8 [2 favorites]

Regarding other posters' recommendations about the cops: bear in mind before you call the police that a conviction for drug possession could lead to your kids' losing financial aid eligibility. And criminal penalties for simple possession are not necessarily minor (for example, possession in a school zone--i.e., basically any urban area--in the state where I grew up carries a 2 year mandatory minimum). When you call the police you're taking the potential consequences out of your control, so you need to be sure that's what you actually want to do.
posted by phoenixy at 10:12 PM on July 8 [1 favorite]

In addition to therapy, is there a variant on NA (or some other addiction recovery/support program) that would be a good fit for you and/or the kids? Partly so the kids can hear some of the "when I hit bottom..." stories, but also because it sounds like your family is quite prone to addiction and you need all the support you can get.

That said, though, there are many worse things than flunking out of school. Sometimes kids need to feel some consequences before getting serious about putting their lives in order. In your case, that might be saying "ok, flunked out? Time to get a job and pay rent and cook your own dinner, kiddo!" and then follow up on that. A year working at a grocery store or at a fast food restaurant won't be a huge blot on the kid's future, if he/she wants to get serious and go back to school and move on. The free rent can begin again when the kid wants to go to school and get passing grades, or proposes an equally good project.

Also, not all kids connect well with school -- would something else be a better fit for the kid who is flunking out? An apprenticeship, or the military, or something else? Having something going on in your life that is worth waking up for can make it easier to keep the pot smoking under control.
posted by Forktine at 10:17 PM on July 8

Therapy is a great idea - hopefully it will help him see that pot is interfering with other things that he wants in his life as well as exploring other issues that are effecting his decision.

In the meanwhile, here are a few ideas:
Check and see if your school has a program(s) for bright kids that aren't making it. You will have to check out to see if engages these kids or just warehouses them but if it is good, it might make a big difference to your son.

Be careful about setting up consequences that you can't enforce - some of these suggestons will not be practical if you have to be at work at certain hours.

It does seem like you might be able to keep your son on a tighter leash - no parties until (grades improve, drug test clean, whatever). If he does go to a party, you need to talk to the parents ahead of time plus drop off your son and see that there are parents at home. When you talk to the parents, ask them if they are OK with pot, drinking in their house.

Look for after school activities. (Although homework hours at the library are not much good - the kids just wander off and do what they want). If he needs to be home after school, let him know that you will be calling to check up on him. But finding something he enjoys will probably be good for him.
posted by metahawk at 10:38 PM on July 8

As a former teenage pothead, I highly doubt that you will be able to force them to stop smoking. Accept this.

Here's my $0.02. Sit down with them and speak to them as an adult, on the level. Be honest. Acknowledge that they are capable of making their own decisions, but inform them of the implications of their choices. There are legal issues, health issues, social issues and consequences for the future that come into play. Remind them that they should be mindful about the consequences of their actions and if they choose to use marijuana, they should use it safely and responsibly. Explain the difference between use and abuse. Explain the difference between marijuana and other more damaging and addictive substance.

Facts and honesty are your friends. Scare tactics, bullying and fear will not work.
posted by gnutron at 11:34 PM on July 8 [8 favorites]

N-thing that everyone I know smoked pot at school, and turned out just fine. If your question was about meth, however...

Having said that, though, I'd be examining the possible reasons for self-medication - perhaps you have a genetic propensity for anxiety or depression that you treated with pot through your teens and twenties, and the kids are doing exactly the same with the resources available to them? If so, look at all of the other treament options around and facilitate those for your kids, but accept that they might choose pot anyway - in which case you will need to start enforcing consequences for non-compliance with house rules, as the other commenters have noted.

Ultimately, though, as you've said yourself you turned out okay, and it's very likely your kids will too.
posted by goo at 3:04 AM on July 9

The police are not social workers, and their agenda is not a parent's agenda. Cops who bust kids for pot possession do so generally in an attempt to turn them into sources for information about dealers and other kids in the drug scene. There is no guarantee that if you narc your kids out to the cops, that the cops won't reveal this to them, if they think it will help get your kids to give up a dealer's name. So the suggestion to get the cops involved in your family issues is something you should recognize as risky, at best. You also have to be concerned about your responsibilities to your kids, once they are in the legal system, including follow up social work, possible monitoring of your home, and the expense to you of providing them with a defense (unless you are really tossing them on the court, and are allowed to do so).

But you are right to be concerned as a parent, if for no other reason that the potency of marijuana is much higher, on average, than it was 20 or 30 years ago. Even if your kids are smoking local skunkweed, it's still likely to be delivering as much THC as Wowie Maui did in the '70s. That's a point you can make, the next time they are throwing your past in your face, anon. What you did, and what they are doing is not directly comparable, because the more potent versions of marijuana today have the potential to create different outcomes for pot smokers.

"The increases in marijuana potency are of concern since they increase the likelihood of acute toxicity, including mental impairment," said Dr. Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, which funded the University of Mississippi study.

"Particularly worrisome is the possibility that the more potent THC might be more effective at triggering the changes in the brain that can lead to addiction," Volkow said.

One thing that might help your son immensely, is to insist that he get involved in an appropriate level of sport, or physical training of some kind. Although the data proving a direct link between physical activity and reduction in drug use is not in yet, studies are underway. There is at least anecdotal evidence that kids in sports programs have better motivation for study, and are less likely to be associating with peers interested in drug use, as a result of sports activities.

Finally, you might look for help from your local Big Brother/Big Sister organization, particularly for your son. Getting a guy who is a positive influence, with an ongoing commitment to your son, to spend time regularly with him, can offset the poor role model his real father may be providing.
posted by paulsc at 4:34 AM on July 9

I smoked a lot of pot in high school, and I failed miserably. Because I was stoned most of the time, I never paid attention in class, never did my homework, and never participated in anything else either. It was a lot more fun to be wasted and fuck the rest. My grade point hovered between 1.0 and 1.5 consistently. The only thing that saved my diploma was sucking it up and attending a vocational school that fulfilled most of the credits I was missing.

I'm one of the smartest people I know. And I couldn't hold it together in school. I was flat out addicted to being high - however that came to be - and my parents put me in therapy, locked me in my room, stood over my shoulder and then eventually just gave up. And through it all, I was getting high at school.

I can't imagine a household, though, where a parent could say "you can have this blunt AFTER you get your homework done, young man!" WTF?

Crack the whip, be a hardass, get the cops involved if need be, and as a last resort when they reach the age of maturity, throw their asses out. They're walking all over you (you sound like my parents did).
posted by disclaimer at 5:03 AM on July 9 [1 favorite]

Push them to pursue any of their interests in extracurricular activities, sports, hobbies, or clubs. First, that will give them the chance to hook up with a clique that are not primarily partiers. Second, that will give them other things to do other than party. High school kids and teenagers need a focus in life and getting involved with interests gives them a focus. If all they do is play videogames, watch tv, and party they are doomed.
posted by JJ86 at 6:08 AM on July 9

As far as I have been able to tell, stories of my misspent youth never had the desired scare tactic effect, but either 1, seemed to give them permission to also fuck up, or 2, elicited "it's totally different you don't understand" responses

So, I would say your youthful decisions have only one place here-- they taught *you* not them what is appropriate and inappropriate for kids that age.

The answer to "well *you* did it" is-- And because I did it, I understand that kids do not have the maturity or judgment to deal with an impaired state, therefore it is in appropriate for kids (defined as under 18 and in your control) to ingest/inhale/imbibe intoxicating substances. Furthermore, if you do this in my house and under my supervision, you also put me and my home at risk, and I will not tolerate this. (This last argument really struck a chord with my son-- the financial/legal risk to me and his father had never occurred to him)

Of course, too late for the older one, she's already on her own and presumably over 18. The solution with her is just don't give her any money. I mean that literally. If you are paying her college bills, pay the bills directly-- don't give her the money to pay them. If she needs walking around (ahem) money, she can get a job.

For the younger one, you need to put your foot down. If you catch him with drugs or alcohol, if he breaks curfew, if he doesn't do his chores, for god's sake ground him and make it stick. Tell the parents of his friends that if he shows up at their house, send him home, because he's grounded. (Or at least to call you because so you can come and get him). Make him do all homework-type activities in the common areas of your house, not in his room. Put his computer in the dining room. Tell his school counselor (may not do any good, but they should at least know). Don't. Give. Him. Any. Money. Make him get a job, even a volunteer position. Call him when he is out, find out where he is, and then call that household back and confirm it. If he won't tell you where he is, start calling all the parents of all his friends to track him down. If you have his friends' cell phone numbers, call them. They find this so humiliating that they will at the very least stop lying to you about where they are (can you tell I've done this before?)

Try as hard as you can to get them involved in organized after-school sports, theater, or music. I cannot overstate the salutary effect of keeping them busy, and of giving them positive peer role models. I absolutely attribute my daughter's intense involvement in sports with her complete avoidance of drugs.

Remind the older child that her actions are affecting the younger sibling, and not in a good way. If she brings up your checkered past, well the answer to that is "exactly."

You've probably inferred that we had a similar (but not as serious) problem. I'm happy to say that using these tactics we nipped it in the bud (plus my son is one of those born-responsible types who got it fairly quickly. But of course this is why he thought he could handle stuff too).
posted by nax at 6:50 AM on July 9 [4 favorites]

Speaking as a former difficult teen, when my parents decided to "crack the whip" and "go bootcamp" on me I packed all my belongings and left home. I lived in my car in an alley for several weeks before I found a place to live. And the whole time I would have given my right arm for my mom and dad to say to me, "What's wrong? Why are you so sad and angry?"
posted by JennyK at 6:53 AM on July 9 [5 favorites]

But you are right to be concerned as a parent, if for no other reason that the potency of marijuana is much higher, on average, than it was 20 or 30 years ago.

Don't cite those statistics, because they're generally regarded as bullshit.
posted by electroboy at 7:21 AM on July 9 [1 favorite]

As a not-yet-parent and former teenage fuckup, I second gnutron's advice. Some people really, really like to get high–you did, your kids do. Appeals to any authority other than their own autonomous selves will get you nowhere. Twelve-step programs agree that you have to want it (a life that isn't a continuous lurch toward oblivion), really want it, to get clean and/or sober. What got me was the awareness that I am not alone, that my life is bound to the lives of others, that getting fucked up is, while totally understandable, wholly selfish. Be honest and forthright, tell them how rad it is to be sober, make them spend their own money on dope, and good luck.
posted by generalist at 7:56 AM on July 9

I'm in a very similar - I mean very similar - situation and my kids are similar ages to yours. My daughter smoked, got through college, is holding down a professional but hideously low paying job and is doing pretty well despite the brokeness factor but then aren't we all? I will say that time does help; that she's far more human now at 25 than she was at 19 and, actually, she's really great and I totally adore her, which is something I might not have said and would have thought was impossible 9 years ago. My son, on the other hand, has been a different story and I am still dealing with it day by day. I do know and believe that once he gets through these years, he will be okay. Keep that in mind. This too shall pass. Even terrible teens (and I too was one) grow up and the majority of them turn out okay. Don't lose hope.

Anyway, hopefully, my son will be in a program next fall with the local community college because, frankly, not all kids are cut out to be on the academic track and not all kids, particularly, it would seem, boys, do well in high school. I am beginning to think seriously my son would be better off out of there - it doesn't seem to be doing him one damn bit of good and I'm not at all thrilled with his friends. So I'm offering a GED and/or work & high school/junior college mix out as a possibility to him.

However, assuming that you are in the US, do not get the cops involved. Just don't do it. They aren't social workers; they aren't going to help and getting into the clutches of the legal system, which is not kind, forgiving or designed to rehabilitate anyone, is a terrible and expensive mistake. Expensive for you, not your kids, because the courts will want their money and it will have to come from you. My teenage son was caught with two blunt wraps - just the wraps - and if I didn't have a friend who is a public defender, it would have cost me more than $600 (yes, yes, he should be the one paying. Right. Do you have any idea how long it takes a 16 year old to earn $600 working around school hours? A long time. The court isn't going to wait.) and him 80 hours of community service - which you have to drive them to and from, be real - plus a really, really officious monitoring program - do you want a police officer following your kid around? - and so on. There's no help there, just punishment and if they do put him in a juvenile facility, which they don't, usually, because they are overcrowded, well, that is hell on earth and he will probably come out broken, raped, violent, beaten and ready to get good and addicted to lots of fun stuff that's far worse than pot. Yes, I have seen the results of juvenile detention and they aren't, for the most part, pretty. The kids in there are way worse than pot smokers and they're eager for pupils.

I'm going to echo JennyK here and go against the grain - depending on how old your son is, how do you think he's going to react to sudden boot camp like punishments? Mine, now almost 17, would just leave. I know exactly where he would go and it would not be good at all, not to mention that it would close off communication completely. What we have going for us right now is that we actually talk, honestly and at length, all the time. I don't want to lose that because I believe in the long run, that is what will get us through these years.

Talk to the school. Sports is a good idea if they will let him - unfortunately, my child has been banned from even trying out for anything because of low grades. Yeah, his grades might get better if he did sports but in a classic American education conundrum, you can't do sports without good grades. Good luck with that one. Look into all the alternative education programs you can find. Look into him finding a job. And, most importantly, talk to him. Talk and talk and keep right on talking. But pick your battles and know when to end them before they escalate. Teenagers will fight you to the ends of the earth just to do it - I finally learned to smile, say, "You know what? I love you but I'm really done talking about this now. You have my answer and when you want to talk about something else, I'll be right here." and then walk away. If they scream and freak out behind you, oh well. Therapy is good if the therapist is good and if you find one you like, stay with it and don't let him/her go. It may take a few tries to find a good one; don't give up. Honesty, I believe, is also good. I have told my kids at endless length about our family history of alcoholism, about friends who died from drugs, about self control and about how hard it is to make a life for yourself without the proper credentials. I also dropped out of high school. I also did lots of drugs. I also grew out of it (well, for the most part) and I made it through college and into the workforce. You may not think your kids are hearing you, but as I've learned from my daughter, they actually do and years later, they'll come back and tell you so. Hold on and good luck!
posted by mygothlaundry at 8:05 AM on July 9 [2 favorites]

Suggestions please re: pot smoking teenagers.... Please, no rants about how drugs are OK, yes I know some people do fine, WE DO NOT.

Apologies is advance, anon. But there have been a number of debates here about how questions get framed. You are doing the same as asking for how to get to the South Pole, but please don't advise traveling south because I LIKE GOING NORTH.

One child started habitually pot smoking halfway thru high school with a drop in grades hand in hand. She had begun school with straight honors so test scores and am OK average were enough to get her into a college. Not one she wanted, but somewhere.
Younger sibling although very bright, has never been a fan of school and his grades show it. Now that he has discovered the high life he is flunking out. And seems OK with it.

I know my mom doesn't have an account here, but you are describing my childhood exactly. I am still a pothead, and have an interesting international career as well. I am not sure who the "WE" refers to in your question, because you are not your kids and it seems to me they are enjoying their pot smoking. The majority of chronic potsmokers are productive, happy, creative, and "normal" members of society.

You describe pot as a part of your process of growing up, and it seems like you are a conscious and functioning adult. So why are your kids not allowed to travel the path you did?

I understand that you don't want to fund this, but if they have rich buddies and/or the ability to work for their money you shouldn't have to. Aside from that, what is the problem exactly? The struggle with hypocrisy, and the therapy, sounds like a part of YOUR life journey that you are forcing them along on. Who is this all really about? Who should it be about?

You are not your kids. In the end you can try to help them but they are autonomous individuals with their own right to find their way in life. And pot is not the worst thing in the world, at least they aren't learning to be jazz musicians or collecting stamps. Therapy sessions and forcing your will on them won't make them quit smoking the wondrous jah, but it will build all kinds of unpleasant issues between them and you as they move into adulthood.

Please, consider this anon. And even if you disregard everything else I have said, please PLEASE don't sick The Man on them! That would be you very intentionally and purposefully trying to fuck up your children's futures. You don't want to do that. Good luck.
posted by Meatbomb at 8:28 AM on July 9 [1 favorite]

"... Sports is a good idea if they will let him - unfortunately, my child has been banned from even trying out for anything because of low grades. Yeah, his grades might get better if he did sports but in a classic American education conundrum, you can't do sports without good grades. ..."

mygothlaundry makes a good point with respect to school intermural and even intramural sports programs, but there are often parks and recreation leagues for softball, touch football, basketball, tennis and soccer (sometimes even golf), as well as YMCA/YWCA programs. Small towns still often have teams in town traveling leagues in softball and basketball, especially in men's leagues. Sometimes, teenagers are allowed to fill in team slots in local industrial leagues, as for softball. Short par 3 golf courses often organize 18 hole weeknight leagues, and have short bags of irons to rent for a nominal fee. Local sports stores sometimes sponsor running clubs, or will have information about local road race clubs and events.

Look around. Getting a young man up and moving, in organized activity with others is far better than leaving him to his own devices after school.
posted by paulsc at 8:37 AM on July 9

Absolutely do not get the cops involved. Absolutely do not try to intimidate/force your kids to "behave" with threats of "boot camp" etc. Both of these tactics are pathetic and do not treat your children with the respect they deserve. Using either of these tactics will rightfully cause deep resentment and distrust of you in the future. Your kids' problem probably isn't pot, but rather their pot use probably is a symptom of other issues they have with their living/schooling situation. High school can easily be horribly oppressive, cruel, and boring, all at the same time. So maybe you should talk to them about those kind of things.
posted by beerbajay at 8:54 AM on July 9 [1 favorite]

Get them out of that school. It's poisonous. I had shitty parents and a great school environment and I did well because of that. I believe that the converse is true as well--they spend so much time with those asshole kids in that environment that they're more influential than you are.

Good luck.
posted by sondrialiac at 9:33 AM on July 9

Absolutely do not get the cops involved. Absolutely do not try to intimidate/force your kids to "behave" .... Both of these tactics are pathetic and do not treat your children with the respect they deserve. Using either of these tactics will rightfully cause deep resentment and distrust of you in the future. Your kids' problem probably isn't pot ...

Why is it so hard to accept that the parent is in charge? I can't believe you are opposed to a parent forcing her kids to behave.

I suppose we just have different opinions of what "respect" entails, but kids who will not listen to their mother and who continue to indulge in illegal drug use are engaging in behavior that should not be "respected." IMO, it is more "respectful" to try to assert authority over kids that will, in the long run, get them on the right track. Letting them persist in behaviors that lead to a dead-end lifestyle on the view that, "it wouldn't be respectful to force my kids to behave," is the type of parenting that doesn't respect kids.

Treating kids as capable of being great, responsible, wholesome people, and taking steps to stop illegal and destructive behavior, is the respectful thing to do. There's nothing pathetic about it.
posted by jayder at 9:32 PM on July 9

In the past, scaring kids straight by calling the police on them might have worked but these are different times. Unless the kids are aspiring Eric Harris's or Dylan Klebold's then no, don't call the cops. The legal system has many, many unforeseen consequences, few of which are good.

Kids rebel against the system and drugs are more often than not part of that rebellion. Find them some other avenue that is against the grain. There are sports which are perfect for kids like these. Rock-climbing is one, rugby is another, martial arts, etc. None of these are school sponsored or require good grades to get in.
posted by JJ86 at 5:46 AM on July 10

Your kids don't seem to be listening, but they are. Talk to them about the impact of buying drugs - supporting a criminal economy that doesn't care much about people or the environment. The consequences of a drug bust can be severe. If you can reward good behavior, it will help, too.
posted by theora55 at 9:44 AM on July 10

Coming from a single mom with teen daughters who attend a school very similar to what you describe and have had troubles with grades and temptations, and who was a troubled teen myself:

There's a reason your kids are using pot as a coping mechanism/escape vehicle. It's probably not something they can talk with you about, and may not be able to fully ackowledge it or describe it to themselves, but it's there. Get them to therapy, and make sure that it's a therapist they can trust as well as one you can trust.

Also, excellent points on not giving them money, giving them access to any kind of structured, regular activity (sports, martial arts, ceramics, rockclimbing, guitar lessons, it relly doesn't matter, the point is that it's with other people, something they enjoy and feel good about doing that doesn't involve pot or alcohol or other drugs or self-destructive behaviors). My two teen daughters are now doing kid1) taekwondo and knitting and kid2) volunteer work at a local senior center and guitar lessons.

N-thing don't involve the police. If they start stealing your stuff or destroying it or otherwise threatening your person or property or enabling theirs friends to, get the cops involved then, immediately, without hesitation. Until then, you're better off retaining (first regaining) your authority and trust with them. The message involving the cops at this stage sends is, "I don't trust myself to guide you through this. I don't trust you to guide yourself through this. I give up -- on you."

MeMail me anytime if you want to talk.
posted by notashroom at 11:27 AM on July 11

jayder: Legally, a parent has the authority to do these things (call the police, put their kid in 'boot camp' etc), but these laws treat kids/children/teenagers like objects that are unable to make rational decisions. Unless the kids are crazy, then they're still operating on some rational basis. "School is super stressful, I want to not be stressed, pot can make me unstressed." or whatever. Now, from your point of view and the parents point of view, this is a bad choice, but you have to acknowledge that it is a choice. What I mean by "respect" is respecting the kid's self-determination; if you don't like what the kid is doing, you should convince them to do something else, and provide them the opportunity to do else. Throwing them in boot camp is disregarding their ability to choose and treating them as objects/property. If my parents tried any of this "boot camp" BS, my response would not have been "oh, okay, I accept your authority, thanks" but "fuck you, you oppressive fascists." And I think that's an appropriate response from any kid in that situation.
posted by beerbajay at 12:20 PM on July 11