Dealing with loss in a nontraditional relationship

July 8, 2008 5:05 AM

My boyfriend's best friend just died over the weekend. He is inconsolable. I know I can't make it better, but how can I make it suck less? To complicate matters, this is not a "normal" situation, and we're not a "normal" couple. MeFites familiar with BDSM culture and psychology encouraged to reply, particularly those familiar with roleplaying/puppy play. Lengthy details inside; probably NSFW (concept, not content).

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I'm sorry if this is a little disjointed. I have agonised about this for three days now, but figured that I just needed to get it out there.

First off a couple of clarifications. By "boyfriend" I mean "would be my husband if it were legal here". We've been together a few months short of a decade. We have a kind of D/s relationship (but that in itself is a whole different topic).

The method and timing of $FRIEND's death was very significant, although the question of intent will likely never be answered.

By "best friend" I mean...I can't describe it. Their relationship was short and extremely intense. In the few months they knew each other, they were in constant contact, even though they lived 150 miles apart. Several phone calls a day and constant texting back and forth. They had plans to see each other again in two weeks.

Part of the grieving process is the slow revelation that he was in completely in love with $FRIEND.

I already knew that. I knew for a while now that he would eventually leave me for $FRIEND, it was just a matter of time...their bond was that strong. It hurt some, sure, but I told $BOYFRIEND since day one that I wanted the best for him, even if it wasn't me. We have a very open and very complicated relationship...I really was OK with it. It was a joy to see him so happy.

I have never seen my boy in this state. Never. Inconsolable, devastated, destroyed, shattered, heartbroken...the clichéd adjectives all apply, and still don't come close. He went up to $FRIEND's apartment with a few other friends to help clean the place out and hopefully gain some closure, but spent most of today driving around $FRIEND's city, in tears, unable to handle it, not knowing what to do (he is smart enough to pull over when it starts to get bad). He did not want me to go up with him, even though I insisted. He said it was something he had to do alone.

I know that grief counselling is in order, but here is why that isn't very realistic: a major part of the intensity of the relationship was roleplay. My boy is probably the kinkiest individual I have ever met; I can't even count how many fetishes he has. One of his strongest, though, is puppy play. That's a major part of this loss. He keeps saying over and over "I lost my puppy" and "my packmate is gone" and "there is a puppy-shaped hole in my heart that will never be filled again" and uses terms like "I'm nobody's puppy now" and so forth.

I indulge his kinks to the best of my ability, but this is one area we do not have in common. I hate dogs, and do not understand the attraction or psychology behind puppy play. I just don't get it. But it is very apparent and obvious that this was very real to him, because he seems more upset by the loss of that aspect than the loss of a general close friend. In an attempt to help, I offered to collar him and "adopt" him but he refuses, saying that he will only ever be $FRIEND's puppy and knows that I won't ever "truly" be into it.

I am very familiar with the grieving process (Thanatology was a passion of mine) but I am at a loss here. I just do not understand where he is coming from, how those kinds of relationships work, or what would help. It is tearing me apart to see him in such agony, but I don't know what I can do.

That's the general situation. What can I do, where can I go, what can I read, who can I talk to for help in understanding this, and do you have any suggestions? Followup questions, details, etc can go to [e-mail]. The grieving and recovery process will be ongoing, so I will be checking this over time. Even if it's a week from now, if you have anything to add, please do. Any and all input is greatly appreciated. Thanks very much.

posted by anonymous to human relations (7 comments total)

Would you find it any easier if he lost (say) a very dear parent, when you didn't yourself have a close connection with your parents; or if he lost someone who filled some other role that you are not familiar with?

I don't think you have to understand someone's grief to help them through it; I don't think many people can ever understand someone else's grief. And I don't think you can make it better; you just have to be there for him as best you can.
posted by emilyw at 6:01 AM on July 8, 2008

Your boyfriend might benefit from a grief counselor who specializes in helping people with his sort of sexual kinks, one who won't necessarily address the kink itself but who will address the loss. I make no claim as to the legitimacy of any of the counselors listed on this page, but I link to it to show that there are people out there who specifically aim to help people like your boyfriend. Perhaps this can be a jumping off point for you. I googled "therapist, D/s, BDSM" and this page was maybe the third or fourth link listed.

I admire and empathize with your need to take away your boyfriend's pain. But grief is universal, it's awful and difficult and frightening, and the only sure remedy is time. You can't become a different person in order to make his life less painful and you do yourself a disservice trying. You are who you are. You can be present, loving, supportive, strong, compassionate and indulgent - beyond that, there's little to actively do for your partner but be patient, offer options, and give it time.

One last thing to think on, and my apologies if this is rough to hear right now, but you say your boyfriend was apt to leave you for this person. I'd think about how it makes you feel to know that you are now the person trying so desperately to help him pick up the pieces after this loss. Personally, that would hurt me alot no matter how much I loved someone. Perhaps when things calm down a little bit you might look into getting a little support for yourself, and you might think now on what your limits are when it comes to being the sole support system for your boyfriend. Best of luck.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 6:07 AM on July 8, 2008 [2 favorites]

I have some moderate interest in puppy play (as an owner) and have had friends who were seriously into it (hetero, FWIW, but I don't see how that makes a difference here).

Real dogs are extremely loyal to their owners, and human puppies seek to exemplify this. Real dogs look to their owners as leaders, and a human puppy without an owner is literally a lost puppy. He's lost the guiding hand that tells him what to do and what not to do, that punishes him and rewards him. Whether this friend/owner was physically present in your boyfriend's life, he was mentally present for your boyfriend as his owner, and provided whatever degree of strength and guidance to your boyfriend. If it helps, think of $FRIEND as a mentor to $BOYFRIEND.

Your boyfriend will probably always need this type of person around him. It doesn't sound as if he's just experimenting. You shouldn't take it as a reflection on you that he doesn't want you to just step in and fill that void. It's not a matter of just picking up a leash; it's a matter of understanding his mindset. I personally think that people are either wired to be dominant/submissive or they're not, and trying to become one or the other for the partner's sake is a huge exercise in frustration for both. That said, if you have an open relationship, then you can encourage him to find the local BDSM/leather community, which will certainly have others into puppy play. At the very least he needs to express his grief to someone who understands at a visceral level. Perhaps both of you can meet with this 3rd person so that you can understand and share in it too.

My condolences to your boyfriend, and my kudos to you for seeking to support him. Feel free to email me if any of this was unclear or if you just want to talk.
posted by desjardins at 6:32 AM on July 8, 2008

On the one hand, grief is grief.

On the other, when my mom died, I felt much more able to "just be" with friends who had lost a parent. I felt almost as comfortable with friends who had lost someone very close to them, with whom they had had a long and close relationship (so, not a grandparent they saw once a year, but a best friend, close sibling, lover, etc.). The friends who had never lost anyone close - I appreciated their support, but my mindset was very much one of "You don't understand." It's not rational. But not much about grieving, or strong emotions in general, is. It wasn't anything about how those friends acted, or what they said or didn't say, it was a process that was completely internal for me.

Do try to help him find a support group, or a therapist who understands this kind of loss. No one in the support group may say anything different from what anyone who hasn't experienced this kind of loss, but he will hear it differently, if that makes any sense, and it will bring comfort.

My condolences to your boyfriend, and good luck to you both.
posted by rtha at 6:46 AM on July 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

He's not going to take to the "you can be my puppy now" thing for the same reason that kids never buy into "We'll get you a new puppy and it'll be even better than Fido!" after the loss of a beloved pet.

Your boy's not even able to comprehend moving past his grief yet-- and that happens to everyone who loses a partner, regardless of the type of relationship. Suggesting alternative setups that might make him happy is a noble gesture, but it's not going to work until he's grieved the loss of his late owner. He's going to need a kink-friendly therapist, most likely, and you'd probably do well to consider one too. Good luck.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 2:08 PM on July 8, 2008

I'm so sorry for your boyfriend's loss, and for the intense grief and the crisis this makes for you both.

I agree with the posters above that finding someone "who understands" to help the grieving process, or at least for him to talk to, is essential. I wish you had posted at least a little info on your location, since we might be able to suggest some specific resources. Be that as it may, keeping him in close contact with members of your local BDSM community, if there is one, is very important.

Above all, time is a healer. Be patient, and be there for him, even when all you can do is to be present. Sometimes that in itself is a blessing.
posted by Robert Angelo at 2:31 PM on July 8, 2008

Grieving is not an exterior force that has descended on your boyfriend, nor is it a process that happens to him while he is passive and helpless to resist it.

Instead, it is an active process that he is doing and will do and needs to do.

Give him time; and when he talks, listen without judging. Do not offer to do anything. The grieving is his to do, not yours; but he can do some of that process with you, if you are willing to listen.
posted by ikkyu2 at 12:38 AM on July 9, 2008 [1 favorite]