It hurt when I did it.

July 7, 2008 6:44 AM

My boyfriend's 6-year-old has been asking questions about my self-inflicted scars.

I have a couple of self-inflicted scars that have become interesting to an inquisitive 6-year-old boy and I don't know how to answer his questions about them (mainly just "how did you get that scar?"). I've read this post, but it's not entirely relevant. The scars in question are patterned as to make it impossible to chalk up to accident. So far I've staved off questions by quickly changing the subject but I can tell that his curiosity is growing, which is the exact opposite of what I want to happen. I don't want to tell him the truth and have to explain self-injury and the reasons why people do it. I also don't want to blatantly lie to him. How can I satiate his curiosity without causing discomfort for both him and me?

posted by anonymous to human relations (39 comments total)

I know you don't want to, but I think many folks will agree it's ok to lie to small children when there's good reason.
posted by poppo at 6:58 AM on July 7, 2008

Well it kind of depends on why the scars were formed: is it decorative scarring or self-damage as a response to depression, anger, etc.? If it was decorative, you could explain "well, it's kind of like a tattoo." If not...

I really think this is something you should ask your boyfriend about before you decide what to tell his kid. It should probably be his call, because IMO 6 is much too young to be told anything about depression or suicide or any of that mess.
posted by GardenGal at 7:00 AM on July 7, 2008

I think you are correct that six years old is far too young to understand cutting, no matter how open or honest you'd otherwise like to be.

How old were you? What was the instrument of cutting? I ask because you could say, "Oh, when I was X years old, I got cut by a "box cutter." Isn't it interesting how the skin heals? We are truly amazing in our ability to grow our flesh back together; look at this scar that shows how we can do this! Let's get on Wikipedia and look up healing! Did you know that the central nervous system has cells that prevent regrowth of neurons?"

If you divert that way, you are acknowledging it, teaching him, and not being all weird. I think the deal right now is diversion rather than honesty. Also, you don't ever *have* to tell anyone if you don't want to - it is your story and your prerogative.

Good luck!
posted by Punctual at 7:03 AM on July 7, 2008 [8 favorites]

Seriously?

"Oh, that's just an old cut, I scar easily."

"I got that camping."

"My aunt had this GIANT CAT."

Why the heck would you want to not lie about this to a small child? You're uncomfortable with both the reality and the alternative.
posted by shownomercy at 7:05 AM on July 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

"It makes me feel uncomfortable talking about. Can we talk about something else please."
posted by caddis at 7:17 AM on July 7, 2008

Don't blame animals, because you don't want to get this child scared of cats or squirrels, or whatever you claim. Depending on the kid, something like "I got hurt when I was younger, but I'm better now" is fine. I don't think calling it an accident is entirely a lie, either. You don't need to be entirely honest (nor do I think you should be), but as a general rule it's easier if you don't lie.

I'd then move on to distraction, like Punctual suggested. Do you have any surgery scars? Does this boy? Can you explain that the skin is the largest organ, how blod clots, what other animals do when they get cuts? Anything tailored to his interests. You can also explain that sometimes people don't like to remember when they got hurt, but this might just precipitate even more questions.
posted by jeather at 7:19 AM on July 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

When I was 5, I remember asking my dad about a long scar from halfway up his forearm to his wrist. He ignored the question a few times before telling me that I should never play Superman around plate glass windows. Told me the window cut all the way to his bone and that his fat was oozing out, veins flopping everywhere, and he went on and on for 15 minutes or so.

This had two effects. I never ever tried to punch glass after that. I also never asked about people's scars after that, either, because the story grossed me out in that perfect 5-year-old squealing-disgust way.

I've seen pictures of the scar. It's too shallow to be that dramatic window-arm-slicing action. But at least I know what I'm saying to my nephews/nieces about my cuts.
posted by electronslave at 7:25 AM on July 7, 2008 [4 favorites]

I know you don't want to, but I think many folks will agree it's ok to lie to small children when there's good reason.

Except there isn't a good reason when this is a possibility:


"It makes me feel uncomfortable talking about. Can we talk about something else please."

Children need to learn that some things are private. I would say, "I'm sorry. I know you're curious. But some things are private and this is one of them." You can send a message of "curiosity is never bad, and you can always ask me questions" while, at the same time, saying, "You can ask, but I may not always answer -- sometimes there are mysteries."
posted by grumblebee at 7:32 AM on July 7, 2008 [7 favorites]

Maybe an adult will understand the pattern of your scars, but a six-year-old won't. If you tell him it was an accident, he'll probably believe you, and if he asks for more details, you can just divert his attention or honestly tell him you'd rather not talk about it as suggested previously. He'll forget about it before you know it.
posted by katillathehun at 7:41 AM on July 7, 2008

Here's a story -- not from my childhood -- but from when I was in college. I was about to graduate, but my wife, who was also a student, was a year behind me. Her class was supposed to spend their last year on internship in Cleveland, but it looked like that was about to fall through. Wherever she went, I knew I'd tag along, but it would have really helped me to know in advance, so that I could line up a job.

I had reason to suspect that my faculty adviser new something about what was going on. So I went to see him in his office. I told him that any clue he could give me would be really helpful. He said, "Sorry. I don't know anything."

I later discovered that he had known something. It turned out that the internship had been changed to Cincinnati, and he'd known this was in the works. In fact, he'd been instrumental in making that change.

I've never been able to forgive him for lying to me.

I'm sure he had his reasons. It was probably a delicate, political process, and he probably wasn't allowed to talk about it. But there were a couple of really simple things he could have done, and I wouldn't have had a problem with his actions.

a) he could have said, "I'm sorry. I'm not at liberty to discuss this." Had I then pushed for more information -- which I wouldn't have -- I would have been out of line, and he would have been right to kick me out of his office.

b) if it was really necessary to lie to me (e.g. the other people involved in the deal had made him promise he wouldn't admit to even knowing anything), he could have come to me AFTER it became clear he'd known all along and said, "I'm sorry I lied to you. I really didn't have any choice at the time."

If he'd taken either option, I would have been okay with him on the spot. As it is, over ten years later, I'm not okay.

But he didn't do either of these things. And though I know it's a bit silly, I can't forgive him. I'm not angry at him, but I know he's someone I can't trust.

There are usually other alternatives to lying. I'm not perfect. I lie sometimes. But when I'm honest about it, I have to admit that I generally lie to save myself trouble. That's why my adviser lied. He did it to save himself trouble. It was easier to say, "I know nothing" than "I can't talk about it." Saying, "I can't talk about it" left the door open for me to prod him. And that would have been uncomfortable for him. But he was man enough to deal with it. He was man enough to say, "I'm sorry. I told you I couldn't talk about it. We're going to have to leave it at that."
posted by grumblebee at 7:48 AM on July 7, 2008 [7 favorites]

My experience with my overly inquisitive nephews leads me to believe that no six year old will accept "It makes me feel uncomfortable talking about. Can we talk about something else please?" as an answer.
posted by daveleck at 7:50 AM on July 7, 2008 [4 favorites]

Dave is right. Kids that age don't really understand the sort of boundaries that are attempting to be set with the "I don't want to talk about it" statement.

Talk to the boy's father about what you should say. One of my friends was a cutter when she was a teen, and my son (5) has asked about them, and she said "I made poor decisions and got hurt." He had some follow up questions, but he brought them to me, and it allowed us to have a talk about how things can sometimes seem like a good idea, but only because they haven't been thought all the way through.

But you can't just brush off kids, they're relentless if they're curious.
posted by dejah420 at 7:58 AM on July 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

My experience with my overly inquisitive nephews leads me to believe that no six year old will accept "It makes me feel uncomfortable talking about. Can we talk about something else please?" as an answer.

My experience as a preschool and kindergarten teacher taught me that you're right. They won't except it at first. But if you're firm, they will accept it in the end. If you're the sort of person who is going to cave when a six-year-old says, "Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!", you need to work on your child-rearing skills.

It's not good for children to be given answers just because a grownup is exasperated. "I don't feel comfortable talking about that" IS an honest answer. Children need to learn to accept it. They CAN learn to accept it.
posted by grumblebee at 8:01 AM on July 7, 2008 [4 favorites]

If I had scars of that sort, and one of my kids (7 and 5) asked about them, I think I would say "Those are from some old injuries I had when I was young." If they pressed for details, I would say "I'm sorry, but that's all I can tell you. Some things are OK to talk about with kids, and some things are for grownups only. This is a grownups-only thing."

I'm pretty sure my kids would accept that, but my kids have already been made aware that there are some things that simply are not discussed with children. I can't, of course, speak to whether that's the case with your boyfriend's son.

Best of luck to you.
posted by cerebus19 at 8:05 AM on July 7, 2008 [3 favorites]

I would make up a totally wild story, that any 6 year old could see through and stick to it until he's old enough to figure it out on his own.

If someone outright told me at that age that "Sorry it's personal, I don't want to talk about it." I would have felt really ashamed for bringing it up. If they just made up a crazy tale about it, I'd get the hint, and go along with it "Wow, you really rescued your sister from a Dragon?!". But then, maybe I'm overestimating my 6y/o self.
posted by sunshinesky at 8:13 AM on July 7, 2008

Why can't you just say "I cut myself when I was younger"? It's the truth, but it also is vague enough that it doesn't have to sound like it was intentional.

You don't have to lie if you're clever enough about hiding the whole truth.
posted by MegoSteve at 8:33 AM on July 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'd go for the combo. Start with just telling him that these are scars from cuts (no further details necessary). Work in the learning/wikipedia bit. Further direct questions about the cause can be answered with, "I'd rather not talk about it."
posted by winston at 8:47 AM on July 7, 2008

I agree with MegoSteve. You can answer "I cut myself when I was younger" and when the inevitable "How?" is asked, just say "Oh, it was a long time ago and I don't like to think about it anymore because it hurt at the time. It doesn't hurt now, though. I'm glad I didn't have to get stitches. Have you ever had to get stitches?" Or something like that, turn the conversation around to get the child to talk about himself and take his mind off your scars.
posted by Oriole Adams at 8:49 AM on July 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

I think that just saying, "I don't feel comfortable talking about it" would make him even more inquisitive.

I'd make up a semi-plausible story... If he's 6, shownomercy's "giant cat" suggestion might do the trick. Or, "I was playing with a knife and accidentally cut myself... That's why you should never play with knives." Or just anything that's marginally plausible. I think the truth isn't appropriate for someone his age, and this probably a case where the "right" thing is to lie. If you're still uncomfortable totally making up a lie, you could go for a half-truth... "I was using a knife and cut myself" can be made to sound quite accidental, and twisted into a boring safety lesson. You could also go for, "Someone was very angry with me once and cut me," which is also technically true. (I worry that this one will lead him to either fear that he, too, could succumb to badguys lunging at him with a knife, or to ask all sorts of questions about an intriguing knife-battle you found yourself in.) But I really don't think now is the time to tell a little kid the truth.

Whatever white lie you tell, follow it up with, "But talking about it brings back bad memories / makes me sad, so I'd prefer not to talk about it anymore."
posted by fogster at 8:58 AM on July 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

"What scars are you talking about?"

*Checks arms/legs, 'find' scars in question*

"Oh yeah....hmm....wow, you know, I can't remember."
posted by Diskeater at 9:25 AM on July 7, 2008

Shouldn't this be your boyfriend's call, at least partially? He's the parent, not you. Hopefully he has some idea whether or not he wants his son to learn about cutting right now. If nothing else, he can say to him, "stop asking her about that."

As for whether I think he should know about cutting, no, personally I don't think a 6-year old needs to know that just yet. I think a nonchalant "oh, I cut myself a long time ago" should suffice.
posted by boomchicka at 9:26 AM on July 7, 2008

When I was around that age, I kept asking my uncle why he didn't believe in God. He kept changing the subject, until finally he told me that he would tell me when I turned 10. That satisfied me at the time. I was still curious, but I stopped asking.

You could tell him that it's a sad story (or however you want to frame it), and you'll tell him about it when he's older. It could help to put a specific age on it, like 16 or so, to avoid the "You said you'd tell me when I was older, and now I'm a week older!" conversation.
posted by heatherann at 9:36 AM on July 7, 2008

I have a 5 year old and (part time) a 6 year old. I would tell either tell them, "these scars feel private to me. I don't feel like talking about them right now." and change the subject, or I would say, "I cut myself a long time ago, but I don't feel like talking about it right now. Did you ever get a cut?" and move the focus to them.
posted by serazin at 9:59 AM on July 7, 2008

If your best intentions would to be to explain the truth of these scars in such a way that encourages the child to avoid similar behaviors by your regretful example, I think it's actually a pretty neat trick to do the same thing, to tell the story based on some other undesireable behavior, some other boneheaded decision, like the glass-punching story.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:11 AM on July 7, 2008

The CFO at my old company was missing the tip of one of his fingers, and made it a point of pride to make up a new lie about it every time someone asked him. He was quite creative, and everyone enjoyed the game.

(Apparently a few years earlier a bunch of his coworkers had cornered him with his mother present, and demanded to know from *her* what had happened to his finger. She was silent for a moment, then addressed her son in a stern voice: "I TOLD you to stop masturbating.")
posted by tkolar at 10:40 AM on July 7, 2008 [9 favorites]

You can answer "I cut myself when I was younger" and when the inevitable "How?" is asked, just say "Oh, it was a long time ago ..."

That's a terrible idea! You don't want to ingrain a message that this kind of thing is casually acceptable.

And no, saying you had to get stitches and stuff won't mitigate that. If it seems risky and gruesome, that could make it more enticing to a kid.

Kids forget tons of stuff, but they can also remember seemingly insignificant interchanges for years. The idea that you could just be nonchalant enough so that it didn't make an impression on the kid is unrealistic.
posted by Jaltcoh at 10:41 AM on July 7, 2008

A friend of mine who has similar scars answers "They're from a long time ago when I was feeling bad." If said appropriately, this should ward off any hint of the cutting being acceptable to the child. I think other posters here are underestimating the intelligence of children.
posted by beerbajay at 10:53 AM on July 7, 2008 [2 favorites]

don't tell him truths he can't understand.

just say, "i got cut with a knife. that's why you should always be careful around knives," or "i got burned by a match. that's why you must never play with matches." you're not lying to the kid, and making it a lesson is a nice diversion. he's not going to have one iota of understanding of how someone could hurt themselves on purpose. if he keeps asking how it happened, just say "i made a mistake a long time ago and got cut/burned."
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:57 AM on July 7, 2008

There was a previous similar question, not tagged with "scars," which is probably why you missed it.
posted by librarina at 11:22 AM on July 7, 2008

The obvious answer would be to tell the kid, but since we're here I'll assume that's a troublesome option for one reason or another...

It depends what scars you've got...

If we're talking about a pair of scars that run the length of each forearm then tell the kid it's from when you were were in hospital because you were sick...

If you've got "Satan is in me" etched in your arm 300 times, the problem is pretty much beyond anything we can help with, I think. You'll either have to come clean or get your bfs help in concocting a lie that you can remember.

So... we're left with two situations (I think) - either deep wide scars or what SHers I know call 'chicken scratches'. Yeah, there's a whole spectrum of variations between, but I'll let you decide which you've got.

If it's the chicken scratch end of the scale then you might be best off telling little Jimmy about the cat you had as a kid, who used to play silly games but had sharp claws. Hell, I've never SHed, but I've got scars on my hands for exactly that reason.

If it's the deep wide ones... you're on harder ground. You can't explain them away. In my experience kids seem to love the sort of lies that they know are lies, and that they know you know they know are lies. (I think I got that right.) So I think I'd tell him something obviously stupid that he'll ignore. Then, when he comes back and asks you tomorrow what really happened, tell him a different but equally insane story. I'm thinking things like "helping a dragon with tooth ache", "I used to have a pet tiger", that sort of level of blatent lie.

IMHO, the idea of telling a kid that it's private is a pointless one, I think. If he's like any other kid I've ever known, you'll just turn it into the most exciting thing in the world EVAR! and he'll just bug the crap out of you and/or your bf until something cracks.
posted by twine42 at 11:29 AM on July 7, 2008

My aunt has a long wound on her arm from an attack. When I was a kid, she told me it was from running around the swimming pool; she said she'd fallen and split her arm open. I didn't ask any more questions, I never ran around the pool, and it's only much later, when told about the attack, that I realized she had made up that story. I think that's what I would do.
posted by OLechat at 12:08 PM on July 7, 2008

Blame it on a wild wolf attack or something crazy; or alternatively, something totally boring like a boating accident. (I still KINDA believe that my great-grandpa lost his arm in a dog attack -- a story that I heard when I was younger -- and it satisfied my curiosity about his missing arm.)

Don't try to explain how it's "private" -- it will only pique the child's interest.
posted by parilous at 2:14 PM on July 7, 2008

You don't have to lie and you don't have to give too much information. Say something to the effect of "I got a cut there a long time ago, it was just a mistake, but it wasn't very interesting. Did you ever cut yourself?" If you want to answer follow up questions like what you cut it with you can, or if it that's more personal you can opt for something like "it was a long time ago, I don't really remember what it got cut with" which is a small lie and frankly unimportant. Any talk about your being traumatized about how bad it hurt, or not liking to talk about it, and so forth is just going to fixate attention on it.

I have real doubts that a 6 year old is going to deal with "I don't like to talk about that, let's change the subject" very well in this context (if your goal is for him to have the idea firmly in his mind that there is some heavy personal story behind that scar, have at it), grumblebee's story about an adult lying to him about things that were going to have a direct impact on his personal decisions when he himself was an adult is, well, WTF? totally irrelevant to anything, and the suggestion that being nonchalant about it is going to encourage the child to injure himself is just absurd.

He's old enough that he likely has friends who have had stiches, scars, broken limbs etc. from various misadventures and he wants to know if there's an interesting story behind your scars. If you assure him that there's not, he'll most likely drop it. This is not a lie, this is just keeping your business to yourself. If he persists after a couple times of repeating a very basic, no-detail story switch to something like "oh, we already talked about that before, remember? It's just not a very interesting story."
posted by nanojath at 2:55 PM on July 7, 2008

grumblebee said: My experience as a preschool and kindergarten teacher taught me that you're right. They won't except it at first. But if you're firm, they will accept it in the end. If you're the sort of person who is going to cave when a six-year-old says, "Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!", you need to work on your child-rearing skills.

I like you, and I don't mean this to sound harsh, but your experience as a preschool teacher doesn't really give you the right to denigrate other people's parenting skills, nor does it give you the experience to define what is right for every single child, especially ones you haven't even met.
posted by dejah420 at 5:04 PM on July 7, 2008

"I don't talk about that."

That's all you need to say, to a 6, a 36, or a 96 year old.
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:37 PM on July 7, 2008

"I got a cut. It was bad then, but now it's all better and doesn't hurt anymore. All that's left is this mark."

Alternatively, I have a bunch of scars (not self-inflicted or anything, just from bad luck) and when I don't feel like going into it, I tell people that when I was younger, I was tragically attacked by a horde of velociraptors. Haven't felt safe around 'em since. I'd suggest telling a kid something similarly fantastic, but maybe less scary, especially for a younger kid.
posted by booksandlibretti at 8:13 PM on July 7, 2008

If someone outright told me at that age that "Sorry it's personal, I don't want to talk about it." I would have felt really ashamed for bringing it up.

It helps if you're cheerful but very firm. Smile gently. Give a hug. Then create a tempting distraction.
posted by sondrialiac at 8:17 PM on July 7, 2008

I wouldn't lie because he will find out about cutting when he's at a vulnerable age (early adolescence) and he will have a good reason not to trust you.
posted by sondrialiac at 8:18 PM on July 7, 2008 [1 favorite]

I was noticing the slightly raised skin of someone's tattoo today and thought of a possible plausible lie you could use, if you end up going that route. I'm assuming your scars are either too many or too non-random to seem anything but purposeful. So, maybe you could say something like you had drawn on yourself with a paint pen when you were young, and your skin reacted to one of the chemicals (or maybe it's a metallic pen and you have a nickel allergy?) and that you got scars from that. Anyway, just a thought...
posted by xo at 10:48 AM on July 9, 2008