My friend is the Omicron Man

July 5, 2008 10:42 PM

My friend is the Omicron Man ... How do I deal with this dude?

My friend from college has probably thee most unfortunate past of all the folks I've known (and I've known a few) and it keeps getting weirder. I need help figuring out what to do or not do for this guy.

I'm 27, I met my buddy when we were 19 at a pretty decent university. We were roommates. His mom died when we were in school, his dad was estranged from him. When his mom died, he ran out of money to pay for school at the end of our freshman year and he camped out in a dorm until they kicked him out (wouldn't go home with me). He got a job but then got badly hurt on the job and was in a coma, suffered temporary amnesia, but is mostly physically OK now except for a slightly jarred personality. He's perfectly sane and extremely intelligent (good with languages, art) but he's also a narcoleptic (and probably depressive) so he misses work and gets fired a lot. Most recently he got fired from bar-tending jobs at strip clubs for missing work due to sleeping, so you can see he's worked his way down. I know the guy sounds like bad news to most people but he's really a good person and all the bad shit that's happened to him has happened because he's down on himself, not because he's out to swindle anybody. Time after time, the root is his lack of money and self-esteem.

My 1st question is "what happens to a super-intelligent 27 year old guy who has no family, has been fired from every job he's ever had, has no self-esteem, and is in debt up to his ears over one lousy year of undergrad?"

My 2nd question is "How would you react to a friend like this when every time you talk to him, some godawful shit has gone down?"

I appreciate folks reading a long, sad post. I see a lot of them on here and I promise to answer some in the future if I can get help with this one. I'm a bit of a sad-face myself (don't have many friends anymore) and I don't always feel like I can help anybody with the hard shit ... why I'm writing this here now instead of talking it out over drinks somewheres. thanks

posted by metajc to human relations (11 comments total)

He absolutely needs to get treated for his narcolepsy. He probably doesnt have insurance and if hes poor as you say he most likely qualifies for healthcare through your state government. Dunno where youre at but you can google your state's name and "human services."

He needs to be able to prove his low income and needs to explain his problem. I know a narcoleptic who does fine because she's been treated and takes some medication that works wonders for her.
posted by damn dirty ape at 10:59 PM on July 5

The real issue is whether he will to fight to make his life better. When I read your story, I see a downward spiral that might easily end in homelessness and life on the streets, mostly because there is no evidence that he is trying to solve his problems, but rather he gets overwhelmed and gives up. When he calls, after you have listened to his story and offered sympathy ask him "What are your options?" "Would you like me to suggest them other options?" and then "So, what are you going to do next?" You will quickly figure out if he is willing to do anything to help himself or not. If he is willing to do the hard work and then, as a friend, you can help him figure out how to dig his way out. (Dealing with the narcoplesy seems like a good first step. If he can't do that, see if he would be willing to get help for his depression.) However, if time after time he never manages to take the first step, then you will know that there isn't really anything you can do to help him until he is ready to help himself.
posted by metahawk at 11:20 PM on July 5

This guy needs a friend and it sounds like you're it. I have personal as well as external experience w/ depression. You believe your friend is depressed...his life experiences would certainly tend to lead to that..there may be also a genetic predisposition. A person who is depressed has little ability to do much to ameliorate other problems in their life until the depression is addressed. I agree w/ damn dirty ape that your state likely has assistance for people such as he in the state insurance program or through medicaid. Also, most common anti-depressant prescriptions can now be filled at Walmart and several other pharmacies for a $4 charge, or thereabouts, so if he can just get into a GP and get them to give them as many samples as they have as well as a prescription, he could begin treatment for probably just the cost of an office visit. That might be a good first step while pursuing the state insurance option. The narcolepsy is an urgent issue...that, too, could be addressed in an office visit...perhaps at the same time as the one for the depression. Leveling w/ the doc about the urgency of the situation and the limited funds might get some sample meds that also might be inexpensively refilled at a Walmart.

A person with depression and narcolepsy is going to be hardpressed to get very far simply by pulling himself up by his bootstraps...although I agree w/ Metahawk that he will need to ultimately do that, and in a big and consistent way to really get ahead of his misfortunes, which have been legion, it seems.

I have been able to help some friends over the years in obtaining treatment for depression which has then opened up their lives and allowed them to address the non-medical aspects of their misfortunes. I wish you the best in being a friend to your friend. In the process, please don't forget to know when to let go and expect some follow-through on his part. You might benefit from some of the help you want to find for him...depression is a real scourge to many people...and its treatment can open up a lot of life for people who suffer from it. You could be one of those...since"sad face" is your description of yourself...could that be an issue that you might want to consider mentioning to your doctor? I felt like such a loser when I brought it up as a possibility to my therapist...he immediately concurred w/ my suspicion and referred me to a psychiatrist, who began treating me for depression. Within 6 weeks I was no longer in need of therapy, (my therapist's conclusion..) and I was able to begin to apply the things I'd learned in therapy. I no longer felt like a "failure", and I began to manage my life and relationships in keeping with my abilities and intelligence, rather than being covered in a black cloud day in and day out.

I wish you and your friend the very best...you, the ability offer him some direction and suggestions...and him the ability to follow through with the help you offer.

Blessings to you both.
posted by mumstheword at 12:13 AM on July 6 [2 favorites]

His behavior probably won't show any progress until most of the physical problems are resolved. Don't draw a fine distinction too early between what's physical and what's mental. You can't figure out what's what without a lot of experimentation.

The narcolepsy, though, is clearly physical. That's needs to be fixed.

Don't expect quick changes. Don't even expect him to be too interested in the beginning. You probably need to work on his self-esteem first.

Self-esteem is best helped with projects. Talking up someone's self-esteem is crap, especially for the intelligent. People need to do stuff to do make themselves feel worthy. It doesn't have to be monumental -- a hobby, charity work, socializing.

Once he has enough self-esteem, he can view himself as a project. When that happens, the bigger improvements will happen.

Maybe along the way, you'll help yourself too.

Good luck.
posted by muzzlecough at 12:42 AM on July 6

You might reach out to his father personally. Start with a letter explaining who you are and why you are writing and tell the story of being this man's friend. Perhaps it's your friend who doesn't want to see his dad, but I am guessing it's the other way round. If you can facilitate a meeting you might be able to find some extra resources to deal with the situation.
posted by parmanparman at 6:34 AM on July 6

Question 1, what happens to people like your friend: They often end up on the street. Or surfing the couch circuit, other people down on their luck often open their homes/hearts to their kind. Also, if his depression is really bad -- and you've described a pretty gruesome case of depression -- he could end up taking his life.

Question 2, how do you respond: With compassion and understanding. Listen to him. Empathize with him. Let him know you care. Tell him the truth, as you see it, from your seat in the house -- ie he's a good person, you don't know why it keeps raining in his life, etc and etc. Stand by him. Which is not to say to go down with him -- the most important things a lifeguard is taught is the skills to keep from being drowned by a person whose life they are saving.

Great answers in this thread.

If your friend is disabled -- and it surely appears that he is disabled, from what you've written; he's suffering from two devastating illnesses, narcolepsy and big D Depression to boot -- then he might be able to get onto disability as he straightens this stuff out. This would give him a tiny income but a steady one, and would help tie him into the various social systems so he can get help inexpensively or free.

Another plus of disability -- I don't know if this happens across the board or not, but one guy I know had his school loans wiped out when he showed them that he is disabled. They took it to zero; he no longer has that hanging over his head. Which has been great for him; like your friend, he is trying to put his life together while under the gun of debilitating depression.

It's often not easy to get on disability, from what I've seen the social security administration makes it difficult so that everyone doesn't show up and say "Hey, I'm disabled" -- I don't think that's written down anywhere but it surely seems to be what happens; you apply, get shot down, apply again, rinse and repeat. But your friend might have a good case; there are people who help people in his position put together their application, some are attorneys and some are non-profits.

I like the answer from mumstheword -- if you can successfully treat the depression, only then can much of the rest of this mans life be brought back on track. Wisdom there, the voice of experience -- I like it.

Good luck, to you and to your friend.

Peace.
posted by dancestoblue at 7:46 AM on July 6 [2 favorites]

Drug companies usually have some kind of assistance programs to help patients get free or reduced-cost medications. For example, Wyeth, the maker of Effexor, a popular med for depression, has this.

I've also heard of mental health professionals who offer their services on a sliding fee scale based on your ability to pay.

Some depressed folks see some improvement just by exercising. Aerobic exercise like walking or running is free. Maybe the two of you could go for long walks regularly?

You are a good person for wanting to help your friend.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 8:18 AM on July 6

I have a very good friend with narcolepsy and it is very treatable. I beleive her main medication is a variation of Ritalin, i.e. some kind of amphetamine and the generics are realtively affordable. He should see a neurologist and get a real prescription and probably the best thing you could do for him, if it's feasible on your budget, is to fund a few months worth of the meds until he can sort out an alternative means.

The difference in a narcoleptic person on and off their meds is astounding.
posted by fshgrl at 1:05 PM on July 6

I know the guy sounds like bad news to most people but he's really a good person and all the bad shit that's happened to him has happened because he's down on himself, not because he's out to swindle anybody. Time after time, the root is his lack of money and self-esteem.

I'm narcoleptic. I spent years undiagnosed, completely unaware of what was wrong with me. I fell asleep on the job all the time, and thought I could make up for it by working through the night and doing far more than I was ever asked (people suffering from narcolepsy often find themselves awake in the middle of the night because they need far less continuous sleep than people with normal cycles). In the end my employers couldn't get over seeing someone sleeping at their desk.

Thinking back to it now, I imagine they probably thought my late night work sessions were childish or self-destructive; meanwhile I felt totally under-appreciated and, at the same time, started believing they might be right--I couldn't deny the fact that I did get more work done when I worked through the night, and I did fall asleep at my desk all the time. Throughout college I think I enjoyed cultivating this persona of the indestructable student: able to read whole novels in a day, pull repeated all-nighters and still ace the tests... I once went 118 hours without sleep and wrote a semester's worth of term papers. No drugs, and this was before I had discovered my two current best friends: coffee and cigarettes. But I drank soda like it was going out of style. As a nurse friend of mine recently told me: I've been self-medicating for years, and it does affect your lifestyle, personality, and your health. My dentist can tell you all about how it affects your health.

I would say that the single most important thing that he do to help his current circumstances is to get a proper diagnosis. After years of deciding that there was probably something wrong with me, it was still a revelation to have it be "official." There are all sorts of legal reasons why this is important, particularly related to employment. If your friend was fired for his medical condition that his employer was made aware of, he would be sitting pretty on a discrimination lawsuit settlement, instead of struggling to find a couch to sleep on.

The narcolepsy, though, is clearly physical. That's needs to be fixed.

Unfortunately, there is no cure for narcolepsy. No "fix." They can give him Modafinil (aka Provigil), but if that doesn't work, you can either keep escalating the medicine (Ritalin, Rohypnol, Xyrem) or you can accept that this is just the way you are going to be and adjust your lifestyle instead.

My 2nd question is "How would you react to a friend like this when every time you talk to him, some godawful shit has gone down?"

You're his friend. As his friend, it is your duty to snap him out of his funk and motivate him to get his shit together. If he can't afford a doctor, he needs to apply to some low-income program that can get him to one. If he's in as deep of a funk as I think he is, you might have to do some of this research yourself. Might even have to print out the forms for him. Take it from someone who's been on the receiving end: he'll thank you for it.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 1:40 PM on July 6

Just wanted to say thanks to everybody who commented.

I feel like I have some stuff to talk about now other than saying, "Man, that sucks," over and over.
posted by metajc at 4:31 PM on July 6

It sounds from the great answers on this thread that there are things he can do now to improve his situation, step by step. Get treatment for narcolepsy and depression, try to get on disability (if he can prove he keeps getting fired for falling asleep on the job and that he's getting treated for narcolepsy brought on, I'm guessing, by being in a coma, it sounds like he has a good case). Then, he needs to get back in school and finish his degree, most likely at a state school where the tuition is affordable. Then his loans would be deferred until he's finished (if they're not already forgiven for the disability) and he could hopefully get into some kind of career where he could pay them off, get health insurance, and use his mind in a satisfying way. He can't stay working the bar in strip clubs forever and expect not to be depressed about it, but it does look like his situation has a clear way out and he'll be able to improve his life if he puts in the effort, gets treatment, etc.
posted by hazyjane at 12:54 AM on July 7