Don't want to be a human security blanket

July 3, 2008 10:19 AM

Okay, I'm pretty much at wit's end. My six month old son (second child) has always been a very easygoing and happy baby, but for the last month or so, he's been extraordinarily needy. Normally, this is something I'd attribute to teething, but Tylenol/Orajel does not seem to help, and the pediatrician checked him two days ago and said he doesn't see or feel anything near the surface yet.

Here's what's going on:
I can't leave his sight. EVER. The moment he sees me turn my back, he crumbles, and the tears quickly become shrill shrieks if he's not picked up immediately.

When he's in a good mood, he'll tolerate sitting somewhere (stroller/car seat/Bumbo) or laying/semi-crawling around on his tummy. Again, this only applies when I'm within arm's length. If he's not feeling particularly cheerful, then he MUST be held. I have a carrier that I love and use all the time, but there are times when I just can't hold him (e.g., when I'm cooking dinner, changing his diaper, showering, etc). When I'm holding or wearing him, he's happy as a clam - laughing, smiling, babbling, etc. It's like a switch is flipped the moment I pick him up.

He won't sleep unless he is in physical contact with me. On those rare occasions when I do get to set him down (gingerly transferring the sleeping baby to the crib or swing - we've all been there!), he wakes up within thirty minutes (and usually within a minute or two) and is frantic. I'm co-sleeping with him at night (I did this by choice when he was a newborn; now it's just the only way I can get him to sleep). We've tried cry-it-out and modified cry-it-out (pick him up and soothe him and then lay him down again; just patting him or placing a hand on his back has no comforting effect whatsoever). For the past month, I've held him or worn him (while he sleeps) all evening until I go to bed (and I'm a night owl, so that's usually around 2a).

I didn't go through this with my first son. We had some tough evenings, but around 5 or 6 months I started a modified cry-it-out strategy a la the Sleep Lady (Kim West), and it was smooth sailing after a couple of nights. This is new (and extremely exhausting/frustrating) territory for me; what gives?

posted by roundrock to human relations (14 comments total)

My son is only four months old and I haven't been through anything like this, but have you checked the archives at AskMoxie? That's a great resource for this kind of question.
posted by ambrosia at 11:10 AM on July 3

With both of my sons, there was a period during infancy when they were very clingy like you are describing- I think it's a developmental stage that is more pronounced for some than others. I know it's a challenge right now but I commend you on attachment parenting like you are.

Question: How does your son behave if you pass him off to Dad/ another caregiver and leave for a while- as in leave the house for an hour or so?

My youngest, 10months, if he knows I'm nearby, still gets very upset if he can't see me/ be held by me and will not accept a substitute. But, if I leave him with Dad to run errands, he gets over it quickly and is absolutely fine. (until I walk in the house...)
posted by mistsandrain at 11:39 AM on July 3

Also- have you checked out the No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley?
posted by mistsandrain at 11:41 AM on July 3

Question: How does your son behave if you pass him off to Dad/ another caregiver and leave for a while- as in leave the house for an hour or so?

Ha! I have no idea!! Actually, I've left him with my husband for about 30 minutes to run a quick errand, and he (the baby) is marginal ... but I can't leave for too much longer than that bc he refuses to take a bottle (I'm nursing him), so he's truly with me 24/7. It seems excessive, and I'd like him to be a little more emotionally self-sufficient so that I could, say, take a shower without his hysterics (I'm asking for a lot here, right?).

I looked at askmoxie (great resource, btw!) but didn't find anything that fit these circumstances. I did, however, discover that my guy is a tension increaser (the longer he cries, the harder he cries) - he doesn't know how to self-soothe, and after 3 hours of CIO, I can't take any more. I've tried Ferber but not Pantley -- will check that out.
posted by roundrock at 12:29 PM on July 3

Your baby is training you to do what he wants.

The fact that you say "if he's not picked up immediately", "he MUST be held", "He won't sleep unless he is in physical contact with me", means you are totally giving in.

I can talk from experience about this. LOTS of experience.

You need to let him cry it out. I know you claim that you are doing it...but you aren't. Your son needs to have about 3-5 days of flat out refusal by you to give in to his demands.

This is how you should be thinking:
Babies are SUPPOSED to be needy...they need you to do everything for them. BUT, if you are getting frustrated at their need (totally normal in your situation), you will continue to be frustrated, and will see him as a burden, and not a baby that needs to be nurtured.

You need to fix that by not giving into demands where you KNOW the baby is NOT in danger and NOT hungry.

Your baby has basically been taught (through incidental positive reinforcement) that when he cries, he gets EXACTLY what he wants.

Take your curled index finger, and put it to his cheek. If he is hungry, he will turn towards it, or even bite it. That means he is hungry. Use that to gauge his hunger...not crying. Its one of those evolutionary successful behaviors that babies have.

You seem like an excellent mom, so you probably know when the baby is exhibiting sleepy behaviors. Put him to sleep then. Do not take him to your bed. Let him cry it out. He will not hurt himself. If you can't sleep because of the crying, put him to bed 30-45 minutes before you go to bed. By the time he's worn himself out (20-45 minutes), you will be able to go to bed ...without any screaming.

If he wakes up in the middle of the night, DO NOT pick him up. Put something in the crib to take his attention. Put some SAFE toys in there. His choice will be to either cry, or check out these new toys that he doesn't have access to when he's in other parts of the house. Prep by putting the toys in the crib once he's asleep. Take them out before he wakes up in the morning.

Regardless of what you think, having him sleep with you is NOT "the only way I can get him to sleep". Think logically...he will tire out soon enough. The only question is who will tire out first...you or him.

Also...you might want to think about structuring REGULAR naptimes for him. He's getting older...and he should need 2 smallish naps per day...and a good night's sleep. If you let him sleep too much, he will NOT go to bed at night. Figure out what works best for him via trial and error...and stick with it.

And remember...you're doing ALL this to be a good mom. You're not a bitch, or loveless...but the less frustrated this makes you, the more loving and pleasant of a person you will be for your son, your first child, and the rest of your family. They deserve it.

Good luck.
posted by hal_c_on at 12:30 PM on July 3 [5 favorites]

hal c on makes a lot of good points. I think there are steps in the No-Cry Sleep Solution that can get you where you want to go without Ferberizing or too much CIO. There are intermediate steps...
posted by mistsandrain at 12:47 PM on July 3

hal_c_on has it completely. Setting these precedents now is going to save you a MEGATON of grief when the child is three or four and actual and you find yourself wheedling, imploring, and negotiating with a tiny dictator.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 1:28 PM on July 3

hal_c_on is nuts and that CIO stuff is dreadful. There is no research to support it being benign but there is some evidence of harm.

There is some good stuff here about "high need babies."
posted by kmennie at 1:50 PM on July 3 [2 favorites]

I think getting your son more accustomed to being out of your arms during the day might be helpful to work on initially, before tackling the night time issue. There are a couple of areas you could address:

With Other Caregivers

Even if you are exclusively breastfeeding, at six months of age he can go two or three hours between feeds, easily. My son never really took a bottle, but starting at three or four months of age I was able to leave him with my husband or a babysitter for three hour stretches without a problem. After six months, you could also start introducing solids, which might go over better presented by another caregiver than a bottle would.

Leave your son with dad (or grandparents, or a babysitter) for at least two hours, at least once a week. This will both give you a little time to reclaim your sanity, and give your baby an opportunity to develop non mom-related coping skills.

By Himself

I think the key to help clingy babies disengage from mom is to re-focus their attention on the outside world. This gets easier as babies get older and more mobile. Introduce a variety of toys and board books into his floor environment, and make an effort to spend time on the floor with him, engaging him with the toys. If he seems captivated playing with one toy, see if you can sneak off for a minute or two without him noticing. Try putting a mirror in his crib/playpen/on the floor. Try setting up a playpen or high chair in the kitchen, so he can watch you and interact with you while you make dinner. Try setting up a Jumperoo in the doorway, or some other baby propelled jumpy seat. Try setting him up in a high chair (somewhere where you can keep an eye on him) and giving him some beginner finger foods. The older he gets, the greater variety of ways that he can entertain himself without needing to be held.

At least initially, he won't be able to entertain himself for LONG periods of time. But you might get a few minutes of not shrieking, or at least just low level whining. And in that time, you can do some portion of a chore. Then pick him up again, comfort, put him back down with a different toy / in a different place / in a different position, get him happy doing something independently, and resume whatever it was you were doing. Eventually he will learn to keep himself occupied for longer than a minute at a stretch.

Other Thoughts

Is he getting enough sleep during the day? The clingy behavior is what I associate with a tired baby.

Can you hire a mother's helper, even for just once or twice a week? I'm a work-at-home mom, and hiring a teenager to come in and play with my son for a few hours in the afternoon is a huge help.

Since this is just a phase (it is, really, probably, hopefully!), can you minimize the number of activities where you would need to put him down for extended periods of time? Can your husband/partner make dinner? Can you save the mopping or whatever for weekends, or whatever time period it is that someone else is available to hold him?
posted by Wavelet at 2:21 PM on July 3

ooh.. Attachment Parenting Fight!

This is really just going to come down to parenting styles. Your kid is probably fine and just going through a clingy phase. Some may view this as "all children are master manipulators" and others are going to say you should respond to your child's needs. Are his needs more important then your needs, etc. Like I said, parenting styles, but note that how you handle things like this carry on in time. If you ignore his cries now are you training him not to demand so much or are you training yourself not to be affected by his cries? It's about the role you want to play; be independent and self sufficient or come to me to solve your problems. It's sounds silly to think that something you do when he's six months will carry on when he's 5 or 10, but it does. This is your second child so you probably already know how this fits into your parenting style.
posted by dirtylittlemonkey at 3:52 PM on July 3

Here's my experience and you can take what you will from it: My 2 daughters were both extremely needy in the same way you describe. We "gave in" to their crying, held them constantly for their first 2 years, allowed them to sleep with us for the first 3-4 years, etc. Yes they were needy, because they needed us. I believe we were not solving their problems or being manipulated, but supplying them with a sense of order and security (because they were not able to create an internal sense of order on their own). As they grew older they learned to control their own emotions and internalize their own sense of order and security.

Now they sleep on their own, aren't overly whiny, and are very independent and loving children. They are very successful in school and a variety of extracurricular activities. They are completely normal from what we can tell.
posted by Wayman Tisdale at 4:42 PM on July 3

On another note, I miss the clingy days! Think of this as the time to bond with your child. My oldest is 7 and she is so independent now it's almost sad. Your child needs you; and isn't it nice to be needed? Enjoy it!
posted by Wayman Tisdale at 4:45 PM on July 3

I just wanted to add my two cents. Loved the "No Cry Sleep Solution" because it gave me more confidence and some cool ideas. I've had two different babies. The first was very, very needy, it seemed sometimes that a cool breeze would make her scream. The second cries, but it's more like an angry protest as opposed to fear. Honestly, I never figured out how to make #1 happy, and I did attachment parenting because nothing else seemed to work for her. What the hell, I had her because I wanted to love my baby. I never wanted to leave her alone with her fear. I think if you can wrap your head around "teaching" self soothing, with your instincts and creativity you will find ways to help him grow comfortable with being alone. Go with your gut. Remember they are only like this for a blink of an eye, then they are teenagers. Love your baby, but balance it out by being good to yourself.
posted by vermontlife at 7:06 PM on July 3

My first child was very clingy (now at eight she is very independent) and I just grit my teeth and carried her non-stop. She also would do the three hour CIO so I don't recommend the feberizing as suggested by hal_c_on. The mothers helper idea suggested upthread is a good idea, especially if the mh will put him in the stroller and take him for a walk so you don't have to hear the cries. You say he has to see you all the time, does that mean you can't put him in a pram or carseat without cries? It is a draining stage to go through. I agree with those upthread it is probably a phase that will disappear on its on no matter what you do. I feel like I am nursing my two month old all day long right now, but honestly, I do get little breaks here and there for a few minutes. Make sure you get sleep yourself (invite your first child into the bed for naptime/quiet playtime while the baby sleeps and you at least close your eyes). You sound like an awesome mummy, have fun with the little one.
posted by saucysault at 7:29 PM on July 3