Yes, I know I did a horrible thing, now how do I fix it?

July 2, 2008 8:34 PM

So... I drunkenly hooked up with one of my really good friends and found out he's had feelings for me for YEARS, I had a good time, but am not looking for a boyfriend, what's the right thing to do?

I've known X for the past 3 years and have gotten really close to him this year. There has always been some chemistry between us and a low level flirtation, but I'm just not that attracted to him physically.

The other night he came over to my house for a couple beers (that turned into many, many beers at my house) and we ended up making out. It was fun and I had a good time and I wouldn't even mind hooking up now and then, but what I found out unfortunately is that he has major feelings for me. I always thought he was attracted to me, but he's a really sarcastic kind of guy and I had no idea that this soft affectionate side of him existed. He had always struck me as a casual sex kind of a guy, especially from the way he talks about sex and dating. I guess what I'm saying is while it didn't surprise me he would be interested in having sex with me, it never occurred to me he would want a serious relationship. I should also throw in here we didn't have sex or anything close to it, if that somehow makes it any better.

He was SO sweet. He told me how much he liked me and how he really felt like this was the beginning of something. I should say he told me this when I was still fairly drunk that night (post making out) and the next morning after I had had two hours of sleep and woke up to him stroking my hair. He said so many nice things and really I wish I felt the same, but I just don't. I think he's great, I love talking to him and hanging out with him, but I don't feel that intense passion for him that he really obviously feels for me.

We've talked since we hooked up, but not really about us hooking up other than a couple jokes and him telling me he really wanted to see me again soon. With the holiday weekend coming we'll be seeing each other a lot at mutual friends parties and I'm sure he's going to assume he'll be coming home with me a couple of those nights. This would be fine except for the fact I don't see this going anywhere. I'm not in a position to be in a relationship and I really don't want to lead him on. I feel horrible that this has happened and I really don't want to hurt him.

So my question is what is the right thing to do? How honest should I be and how and when should I say it? And is hooking up again a horrible idea?

For some background I'm in my mid 20's and he's in his early 30's.

posted by anonymous to human relations (24 comments total)

The best thing you can do is just be honest, tell him that you still want to be friends, and let him make his decisions about what kind of relationship he wants with you. There's not much more you can do other than that. Definitely do NOT hook up with him again, that's just leading him on.
posted by junesix at 8:39 PM on July 2, 2008

Don't hook up with him again. Be honest, and explain you're sorry and misunderstood the situation. Even if he says he's OK with meaningless sex, I wouldn't take that at face value. No hooking up.
posted by schroedinger at 8:41 PM on July 2, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Now that you know he's in love with you, it would be wrong to fool around anymore. I wouldn't, at this point, be honest to the extent of saying I am not particularly attracted to you and I am definitely not interested in a relationship with you.... it might come to that, but if he's got any sense he'll get the message when you do not hook up again and he'll be able to be sad in private and keep his dignity.
posted by moxiedoll at 8:51 PM on July 2, 2008

Dang, I've been the guy in your situation before, feelings and all. Sit him down and CLEARLY state your feelings about the situation.
Be sure to explain that you also want to remain friends. Just nothing more than friends.
When I was that dude, she realized what had happened and did exactly that. We're still awesome friends to this day. Honestly, I still have some feelings for her, but by her setting a clear expectation of our relationship, there was never a question in my mind that we'd be an item and it put me at ease. If she had the same feelings of not wanting to be a couple and didn't bother to tell me, well, I doubt we'd still be friends today.

If you let it linger on, things will only get worse. I've been down that road, too, and it's not much fun.
posted by jmd82 at 8:54 PM on July 2, 2008 [5 favorites has favorites]

Well, there are two possibilities here.

1 - You might have more feelings for him than you thought, and the alcohol lowered your inhibitions enough to actually do something. If so, this is a Hell of a way to find out.

2 - You really don't have a thing for him, but the alcohol lowered your inhibitions to do something with him anyway.

Either way, you need to make damn sure of your feelings before telling him anything.

If you tell him there's nothing there and decide later that there might be, you most likely shot yourself in the foot and ruined what could be a positive relationship.

If you tell him that you want to be together and then decide that there's nothing there, you've acted like a complete asshole. People shouldn't start a relationship when they're not sure of it anyway, but after what jump started this one you really shouldn't.

Don't hook up at all with him until you've decided that you really want to be with him. Which means that if you decide there's nothing there, there's also no more hooking up.

Also for what it's worth, remember that alcohol + sex = rape in most US jurisdictions.
posted by theichibun at 8:55 PM on July 2, 2008

What the others said about not doing it again. Also, a soft kind of letdown is "I'm sorry, I have a lot of friendly affection for you, but the alcohol blurred the lines & caused that to be expressed in a sexual way, which it shouldn't have."

Which sounds like a perfect explanation of what actually happened. Paraphrase as appropriate. It's not the first time & certainly won't be the last that good friends cross the line when drunk.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:56 PM on July 2, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

The next time he makes any advances, which from what you say will be soon, tell him what you told us. This will be a conversation, maybe 5 minutes, maybe 20, so do it somewhere other than in the middle of a party. Be perfectly clear and honest. Don't be brutal, but, more importantly, don't sugar-coat.

If you have no desire to be in a relationship with him, he has to have no doubt about that fact once the conversation is over. If he gets emotional, it's your choice how much you support him in that moment. If you two are really good friends, and he's not a creep, sticking around to give some support shouldn't be a problem, but know that he won't leave happy, and you will hurt him a great deal, but you will also be doing him the biggest favour you can right now.
posted by regicide is good for you at 9:07 PM on July 2, 2008

One thing to remember though are these anecdotal stories from me that has happened to other people that I know.

Story 1: I like a girl, but she doesn't like me in the same way. She tries to be nice and let me down gently, but I don't get it and think she's just playing hard to get or something similar. So I keep trying and she keeps trying to be nice. This goes on far longer than it should, and ends when I see her with someone else.

Story 2: I like girl, but she doesn't like me in the same way. Instead of telling me this, she just tries to ignore the situation. People that she's friends and I'm acquaintances with encourage me to go for it. This goes on for longer than it should, and ends when her friends tell her that what she's doing to be is just unacceptable and that she either needs to try going out with me or tell me that it's not going to happen.

Story 3: I like girl.... She tells me point blank that it's not going to happen. I stay away from her for a while because, well, she made me sad and there's no reason to be around someone who does that. And then one day I decided it didn't matter and we became friends

The moral of the first story is that trying to let him down softly might be nice, but it might also not get the job done.

With the second, you need to tell him because silence can easily be seen as confirmation of his feelings/actions.

With the third, being abrupt might force him away in the short term, but that doesn't mean that your friendship is over forever.
posted by theichibun at 9:13 PM on July 2, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I have been on both sides of the equation, multiple times. People like me and I like people, and then sexy things happen after drinking...

In my experience, once you find out about feelings on his part, it's best to tell him NOW that a relationship isn't possible. Don't let him wonder. That is SO painful to have to sit there thinking, hoping...and then watching this person you thought was wonderful putting distance between you and her, avoiding the subject...never, ever a good time, and more often than not there is a lot of resentment toward her for not having the guts to end my suffering, and sometimes that resentment spells the end of the friendship. I've seen the same thing happen in women who have feelings for me that I can't return. Do not underestimate the damage that avoiding this will do.

Take the advice of some of the other posters here and sit down with him and have this conversation. Do it tomorrow, alone with him, in someplace unhurried. Show him you care for him as a friend and that his feelings won't frighten you away or make you feel awkward around him. And be prepared to support him through the process of getting over you. If he's had feelings for you for YEARS, it won't be easy for him. Be ready to explain in excruciating detail why you don't want a boyfriend right now, be ready to validate his sexual self, as in, "No, it's not that I wouldn't have sex with you, but you're my friend, and you and I both know if we DID do it it would drive you nuts and basically be leading you on, and I won't do that to you, nor do I want to be a woman who does that." He'll have all kinds of doubts and he'll need reassurance. Try to not hold answering those questions against him - they can get annoying.

But when all's said and done you'll likely get through this with the friendship intact, and probably stronger than ever. If you show him you have the ability to be honest and supporting with him through this, you'll likely win a friend for life. Good luck.
posted by saysthis at 10:02 PM on July 2, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

I came in here with a bunch of answers but saysthis said it best. Listen to her.
posted by special-k at 10:45 PM on July 2, 2008

I too have been the guy in this (near) exact situation. She was honest and forthright with her feelings the very next day, and I've respected them ever since. It's never been an issue in the subsequent 6 years, and we're still the best of friends. Tell him how you feel and why, ask him nicely to put it behind him (do the same yourself), and be his friend.
posted by carsonb at 11:14 PM on July 2, 2008

Speaking as a man who at various times has "had feelings for years" for various women, all I can say is don't make too too much of them. To some extent a man "has feelings" for every sexually attractive woman around him that he's never had. Seriously, you have to consider how much more closely tied sexual attraction and emotion are for men. Perhaps his feelings are these incredibly deep, rich, intricate things that you need to handle like glass, but odds are he's simply always fancied you on some level, and having a chance to be intimate with you will just satisfy a long held fantasy for him. I'm guessing... depends how emotionally vulnerable he is. If he's pretty secure as a person, then have an affair with him. If he's a delicate case, often depressed, at all obsessive, then you are already in a world of trouble.

I think men are entirely capable of having sexual and romantic feelings toward a female friend that they don't actually want to have a relationship with. Saying sweet things while drunk and the morning after is... well, it's not a sign of anything profound. Men get drunk on physical intimacy, especially when it's been dangling in front of their faces for a long time and is suddenly touched. He may be completely high on this and not really thinking of much else. His body is likely making him say these things to get everything moving toward sex. He really can't tell the difference.

The best thing is to be completely clear and transparent with him, have lots of great sex with him, and when it has run its course, make it very clear that it's time to be just friends. If you are very clear with him on each step but go all the way with him and enjoy it, his poor longsuffering feelings that he never expressed before will be gratified, you will enjoy the experience without feeling guilty, and then everyone will move on. That may be bittersweet with him but the clearer you are along the way, the better he will fare. He may not totally get it until you're with someone else, but at that point he will get it, and quick. Unless he's some kind of possessive psycho type, and you'd have lots of clues before then. Believe me, he will always love you in a peculiarly male way. We keep a soft spot for the ones who open themselves to us, even if things aren't perfect, because they just want to be with us. Especially versus the ones who tease us a bit then run off scared. That's a great way to fuck up a friendship forever, too. And all the good advice to have a good, long, detailed conversation with him isn't going to make bailing out now a safe way to guarantee your friendship. Pandora's box is already open here. Talking about what flew out will only get you so far.

If you do explore a love affair, what you may find out is that your friendship was built on sexual tension, and that nothing remains after satisfying it. You might mistake this for the sexual encounters "ruining" the friendship. That might be the case. Or it might be that you guys simply took a long, long time to get this out of the way, and the delicious tension along the way fueled some kind of spark between you that manifest as friendship. You'll honestly never know until it's too late. Best of luck. Live in the moment. Remember that life is short. Brief loves can be the most perfect in our lives.
posted by scarabic at 11:23 PM on July 2, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I was that guy, many years ago. The next morning the woman told me that no, she was not interested in any sort of relationship, it only happened because we were drunk, and it would not happen again. It stung, but really it was the kindest option and I was grateful even then.
posted by LarryC at 11:28 PM on July 2, 2008

I'd give it a try if I were you. You are already friends, and he's crazy about you. Relationships don't come along at our convenience. How do you know he's not the love of your life?
posted by w0mbat at 12:15 AM on July 3, 2008

Be Honest. Do Not Hook Up Again. Accept that there will be some awkwardness. Give him space.
posted by phrontist at 12:37 AM on July 3, 2008

Seconding w0mbat.
posted by orangemiles at 5:07 AM on July 3, 2008

People in this thread have given you sound advice about making it your lack of interest, clear to this guy and if you truly are sure that you have no interest in this man, then yes, follow it.

But I think from what you have said that there might be some potential for you and this guy.

You say you think he's great, that you love spending time with him. You say there's always been chemistry and some low-level flirting between the two of you. You enjoyed making out with him. You ask if hooking up again is a bad idea, which probably means that you are either tempted to do so or at least thinking about hooking up with him again.

Now, on the "con" side, you say you're just not that attracted to him physically, that you don't feel the intense passion he seems to have for you, and you don't see this going anywhere.

Hmm... you're just not that attracted to him physically, yet you say there's some chemistry and you enjoyed making out with him. When you say "you're just not that attracted to him physically", could you mean that you don't think he's that good-looking or that you don't think he's your physical type? Because those "objective" conclusions might not have anything to do with how much chemistry you have. I've been with some surprisingly good-looking guys for someone of my average looks, and I'd have to say that the best sex I have had was NOT with the best looking guys I've been with, nor did my best partners make me pant with lust at the first sight of them. A friend told me that when he first met one of his girlfriends, he wasn't sure if she was his type. He thought she was "a nice looking girl, but too skinny" for him. And then they got it on, and as he put it, "Whoa!!! She totally was right for me! Best sex I ever had!" You've made out with this guy, so I'll tell you that in my experience that making out with someone is generally a good litmus test for what everything else is going to be like.

You say you don't feel intense passion for him and you don't see this going anywhere. Well, it's pretty soon for you to feel either one of these things. If you open yourself up to this guy and what you experience together you might be surprised.

It's up to you of course, and no one but you can really know what's right for you, and certainly you should try to be fair to this man. But you're pretty young, and so perhaps you have some ideas of what a relationship should feel like at the start that maybe aren't all that realistic.

So I think that you might consider saying to this guy, "Hey, I'd like it if we could try dating one another. I'm not sure what potential we have together and I don't think I have the same feelings for you that you do for me, but I love spending time with you and I enjoyed hooking up with you, and you're sweet, so I'd like to give it a shot and see what happens."
posted by orange swan at 5:45 AM on July 3, 2008

Unfortunately you have lost a friend. To get over you at this point, he'll probably need to cut off the friendship at least for a while. I could be wrong, and it's his decision to make, but you need to make sure you don't send out any signals that could possibly be interpreted as affection for him, and this decision will probably follow at some point.
posted by gauchodaspampas at 5:52 AM on July 3, 2008

w0mbat et al might be on to something. I was in a similar situation with a really good friend--some chemistry, low-level flirtation, but didn't think I was physically attracted to him. I made all these assumptions about him that ruined any possible growing attraction. For one, he seemed like kind of a manwhore, and that seemed skanky to me. (I was judgmental like that.)

There was no drunken night of making out, but we did get drunk and his feelings did come out. For weeks, there was much consternation on my side because I had been through this situation before and lost many good friends this way. It'd get awkward and then they'd start to resent me. But I didn't want to lose him.

The thing is, that drunken night put him in a new light. Sure, it took a few months for me to get the courage to pluck him out of the friendship category, but I already thought he was so wonderful and so deserving of someone who could really make him happy. It just hadn't occurred to me up until that point that I might be able to do that for him. And since I already thought so highly of him and the chemistry was already there, it just wouldn't have made sense not to give him that chance. I've dated so many other guys based on much less than what he and I already had.

The "intense passion" came within weeks of starting this new relationship. So just because you don't feel it now doesn't mean you never will. His passion had to grow, while this is all new to you. And as orange swan points out, there already seems to be a little interest there for you.

And, um, yeah, so we're married now. Been ecstatically married for about three years. And now I wonder how I could have been so stupid wasting all that time wishing he could find someone else; this ridiculous bliss could have started much sooner.
posted by zerbinetta at 6:13 AM on July 3, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Coming from a slightly similar situation here -- me and Friend hung out for a couple years, each secretly thinking "wow, I want him/her, but s/he would never go for it," and after a year and a half of mutual secret unresolved sexual tension, there was a night with an open bar tab and a really good juke box and a dance to "Sex Machine" and yeah.

We BOTH then teetered on the edge of "maybe something's going on here" for a few weeks after and even went out on a couple "dates", but then he finally decided "actually, no." And -- he was honest with me about it, and about why he thought that. And -- yeah, I was stung....for, like, a week and a half. And then I got over it.

And contrary to what I've seen in here once -- the friendship was NOT over. Instead, after a couple weeks of moping, my head cleared enough to objectively look at his argument and I realized, "actually, he's right, it would have been a disaster," and that was that. There's still some fondness there, and I occasionally tease him with subtle references to the fact that "tee-hee, I've seen you naked," but things were unscathed.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:46 AM on July 3, 2008

Oh, and reading your title -- I don't think this is necessarily a horrible thing. It's a human thing. Not the ABSOLUTE smartest thing you could have done, but so many people have done this kind of thing that you shouldn't break out a hair shirt or anything.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:49 AM on July 3, 2008

I think you shouldn't be so quick to push him away. Zerbinetta's story happens more often than you might think - sometimes guys get put in the "friend zone" and by some miraculous stroke of luck, find a way out. You might need a little time to come to terms with this new turn of events, and it would be far more tragic to find you do have feelings for him a month after you sent him packing.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 6:54 AM on July 3, 2008

Saythis describes how I wish that someone would have handled a similar situation in the past.

Listen to saythis.
posted by yohko at 7:04 AM on July 3, 2008

I mean saysthis, of course.
posted by yohko at 7:06 AM on July 3, 2008