Did this relationship have to end?

June 28, 2008 11:17 AM

Did this relationship have to end?

I was broken up with after six weeks of dating a girl. We were very strongly attracted to each other, things were moving along well. However, she was stressed out most of the time about work and about her future. Before I met her she dropped out of a program she didn’t like and took her first real job, a design job, in the exact industry she wanted to be in. She knows exactly what she wants to do, and while this was the best job in this smallish city (east coast Canada) to move towards that goal, it wasn’t good enough.

She had been contacted by a company on the west coast of the US who saw her artistic work on the net and said they would hire her once she was in a position to get a visa. It is the company she most wants to work for. I had already known this but she told me her plan was to do online courses and keep working at her job and do that eventually, like in 2 to 5 years.

The other night she came over and said the guy at the company in the US that wants to hire her suggested she take a year-long course on the west coast of Canada that he knew of so that she could get her visa. She’s going to do it. It’s in October. So? Does this have to be the end?

Her justification was that it would have to end in October anyway. She said we would be too attached by then and it would be way more painful and she was no good in long-distance relationships. And she was also afraid if she fell in love she would change her plans for me, because she’s done that before and felt that she missed out on valuable opportunities. She feels this was already happening when she started to lean towards the online courses and staying here longer, when she started becoming attached to me. Also she was never planning on coming back here.

I suggested that I wouldn’t let her stay if she tried, but she wouldn’t accept that, she said I wouldn’t be able to control that, even after I said I’d dump her if she tried to stay. I also said that while my plan was to be here for a couple of years (the only reason I’m here is because my friends and I may be getting a TV show, but we won’t know that for a couple of years), I have no idea what I’m doing after that. So why not just give it a shot? She saw this as me offering to follow her and this freaked her out and she said we’ve only known each other six weeks. But I clarified myself and made the point that we may hate each other by October, or we may be in love. And if we were in love, it might last in spite of the distance or it might not. Why just assume it can’t work out? But she wouldn’t accept that. I told her she’s just making assumptions that aren’t necessarily true to protect herself from risk, but again she wouldn’t accept that.

I guess the reason I’m asking this is because I haven’t met many girls I’ve clicked with this strongly, and I don’t believe it will happen again any time soon. And I also don’t think she’ll meet someone again that’s awesome in quite the way I am. It seems so unnecessary and tragic, sitting down the road from each other and not even speaking (I told her commiserating together would not be a good idea, I needed to try to forget about her if this was going to be the way it was).

So, should I try again to convince her? Would attempting this relationship even be a good thing?

If you respond, please explain your opinion instead of putting just “Yes” or “No”. Thanks.

posted by anonymous to human relations (28 comments total)

She does not want this relationship to continue, bottom line. It sounds like she is using the job offer as a way to let you down gently. Sorry, she's just not that into you.
posted by JujuB at 11:30 AM on June 28

She's already dumped you. That means it's over. The end.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 11:34 AM on June 28 [1 favorite]

Let it go.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 11:38 AM on June 28 [3 favorites]

I can understand her position. She wants to make this huge change in her life and doesn't want anything keeping her back from that. If you keep hounding her about it even though she's made her position clear, then you're not respecting her decision. I think you need to let it go.
posted by cabingirl at 11:40 AM on June 28 [1 favorite]

Exactly what JujuB said.

Earlier on in your description of the events I was pulling for you and thinking that there might be hope....but then I got to the part when you tried many, many times with many, many different arguments, explanations how it could work, etc., to get her to change her mind and she would not "accept that"--this means that she does not wish the relationship to continue. Period. I think you should try to stop wondering about if it could work, because it can't, because she doesn't want it to.

No, don't try to convince her. She's already made it quite clear it's not what she wants.
posted by rio at 11:42 AM on June 28

Yeah, sorry man. Don't try and convince her, that will surely backfire anyway. Sounds like it's over. Good luck.
posted by Echidna882003 at 11:43 AM on June 28

I don't think you need to have Big Painful Late Night Arguments In Exhaustive Detail about this. Why not just enjoy the next few months, play it cool, and see how things stand then?

Wait, when I reread the question, which is kind of confusing, maybe this is what you were suggesting but she wanted to break things off? If that's the case, then yes, she's not that into you at this time. "I like you too much and don't want us to get hurt" is another way to say "It's not you it's me" and all those other phrases we use to end things nicely.

So I guess (since I'm a little confused over exactly who said what and who wants what) that I'm saying that a) don't get into arguments over this, b) if she's broken up with you it's cool to call her up and say "hey I still like you, give me a call if you want to hang out sometime" but it's not cool to stalk her and plead for her return, and c) sometimes looking for clarity produces the opposite.
posted by Forktine at 11:45 AM on June 28

So, should I try again to convince her? Would attempting this relationship even be a good thing?

Yes. You only live one time. As long as you are OK with having your heart broken, there is no reason that you shouldn't move forward if you want it.

However, you gotta play it cool. Let her convince herself. Keep up contact, but don't press her for anything more. She might come around, she might not.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:08 PM on June 28

Did this relationship have to end?

Yes.

She wanted it to.

Nothing you say or do will change that. It's over. Move on.

Affairs of the heart aren't logical; she has made her decision, you have no choice but to respect it.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:16 PM on June 28 [1 favorite]

In October, you might hate each other or you might be in love, as you said. But the two of you are seeing those two possibilities in the opposite way.

For her, the worst thing that could happen is that the two of you might really be in love, because then she'd have to consider whether it was worth giving up her dreams to stay with you, or ask you to give up yours to follow her. Promises like 'I'll make her leave and break up with her if she won't' don't meant much now, relative to how hard those things will be to actually do come October. She doesn't want to deal with that -- she'd rather just follow her career path.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:20 PM on June 28 [1 favorite]

Life would be so much easier if people didn't try to make nice during a break up. This BS about "it would end in October anyway" is just a smoke screen.

Here is what she should have said, "Thanks for the time we've spent together, but I need to end our relationship. Good luck."
posted by 26.2 at 12:44 PM on June 28 [1 favorite]

Anon, there is excellent support, advice, and understanding for the recently dumped available here.

Those folks really know their stuff.
posted by Exchequer at 12:50 PM on June 28

I agree with Ironman. If you feel this strongly about it (and still do in a few months) you owe it to yourself - and maybe to her - to not just let it go as easily as some are suggesting. Without knowing either one of you it's awfully hard to make blanket statements about, "She's already dumped you," and that kind of thing. Consider this: maybe she wants to see how bad you want her and a relationship? Maybe she's seen a lot of movies and wants to know she's worth pursuing. Reading some of these responses you would think nobody has seen any of the thousands of movies where the guy gets his girl 'just in the nick of time.' Seriously, like Ironman, you live once, don't live it with regrets. All you have to lose is what you'd be losing anyway.....and.....what if?

Gawd, where are the romantics here?
posted by Gerard Sorme at 1:52 PM on June 28

Something tells me you're likely to try again anyway, regardless of what anyone says here. Having been in your shoes before, however, I would remind you to think of how you'll feel about this later on down the road. If your situation is like mine, you'll realize you were dumped anyway, and you'll remember your begging with a keen sense of mortification.

For what it's worth, absence often really does make the heart grow fonder. I wouldn't cling to this, but if you get on with your life and let her get on with hers, she might realize she misses you after all. Either way, this is a decision she has to make. Let her.
posted by katillathehun at 2:42 PM on June 28

I read your post twice and I'm still confused. You promised to "dump her in October" to try to convince her to stay until then? You want to "give it a shot" and maybe you'll be in love then? Or maybe you'll hate each other? If I were her, I'd run too.

There's a cliche that "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I don't know if that's true or not, but maybe a little time and distance would give you both an opportunity to clarify what you want.
posted by Robert Angelo at 2:50 PM on June 28

As Ironmouth said, play it cool. She freaked out when she thought you were willing to follow her -- any efforts to pursue her will only make her pull back further.

This woman wants to focus on her career. She seems to feel (for whatever reason) that a loving relationship, especially one in a city she's leaving, would hinder that. She's focusing on her future and may want a fresh start when she gets to the new town. She doesn't want anyone who will cling to her, weigh her down, demand her time, distract her, and so on. It doesn't seem like there is much room for a relationship there -- you might be better off just calling her back in three to five years.

But, if you pull back, build up your confidence and self-respect, and start independent efforts to build up your own future, she may stop running away and start seeing you as a partner, someone with your own momentum along the same trajectory, rather than someone who will hold her back. She might not, but either way, you'll have begun building a long-term foundation for yourself. So, my advice is to keep the door open with her if you want, but focus on what makes you feel good and take steps toward your own future. Easier said than done, good luck.
posted by salvia at 2:57 PM on June 28

maybe she wants to see how bad you want her and a relationship? Maybe she's seen a lot of movies and wants to know she's worth pursuing. [snip]

Gawd, where are the romantics here?

Anyone who predicates how they approach a relationship on 1) playing games ("maybe she wants to see how bad you want her") and/or 2) Hollywood movies is someone to be avoided at all costs.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 3:03 PM on June 28 [2 favorites]

Gawd, where are the romantics here?

They've all been on the other side of this question.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 3:05 PM on June 28 [2 favorites]

So, should I try again to convince her?

Nope. You've messed up any chance of being "that great guy who just came along when my career was going places, but I'll leaving the door open just in case" by being so insistent.

Would attempting this relationship even be a good thing?

Nope, because it looks like she has a shot of her dream job, in her dream career, coming true. As you said, she's stressed out and all your doing is stressing her out more. You should have been "Mr fun guy who I go to when I'm stressed out", but it's a bit late for that.

Why just assume it can’t work out?

Because she's stressed out and views a relationship as one more stressor and you've done nothing to convince her otherwise. Just drop it and hang out. No sex, no hugs and kisses. Date someone else, while being friends with her and just enjoy her company and don't give her reasons to stress out over ya'll's relationship. Just have fun.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:23 PM on June 28 [2 favorites]

dirtynumbangelboy (did I get that right?).....Sometimes it's hard to convey lightheartedness on a message board. On the other hand, it's true that we are all human and we want to be wanted. In our early years of dating, "playing games," is not only part of our condition, it's nonsense to expect that you - or anybody else - is completely free of doing the things we do (which includes a lot of what many of us don't even probably recognize as "game playing,") -- it's just being human! As for the Hollywood movie reference, it was - again - a lighthearted response to a lot of naysayers who were writing with such certainty and it was all of the non-storybook variety. I didn't mean it as hard psychological advice, more just an observation of the preceding posts, again, with a light heart.
posted by Gerard Sorme at 3:44 PM on June 28

i think that once she had committed to leaving town, she didn't want to put down any new roots that might make her second-guess her decision. i probably would have done the same thing for anyone i didn't instantly fall in love with.

so yes, i think since SHE thinks the relationship has to end, it has to end. it take two to make one, but only one to break one. sorry 'bout that. i know it sucks.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:54 PM on June 28

follow-up from OP

There was no indication that this girl was not that into me before she decided to go away to school, and I've been in those situations before so.....sorry, but she said that she would have fallen for me while tears streamed down her face, I believed her, and nobody who wasn't there will convince me otherwise. Also, she mentioned on at least one occasion (to a friend that was trying to manage an indefinite LDR) that if she saw that a relationship was going to end because of distance, she would end it immediately. And she repeated that belief to me when she did it.

Jacquilynne's answer seems most in line with the spirit of what she was saying. But I guess I just have a hard time seeing that point of view. If I feel strongly for another, I would want to do everything I could to make it work. But she said that just isn't realistic in this case, it's too far-fetched and it would just end up hurting us more in the end. Maybe she sees some pain and loneliness in the short-term, but knows that there will be a payoff eventually. While all I see is pain and loneliness in the short-term, and the long-term....

posted by jessamyn at 5:12 PM on June 28

Some people can be perfectly happy in long-distance relationships, and others suffer horribly through them. Your girl already told you, several times, that she cannot handle an LDR. This is not something most people just guess about themselves out of the blue - it often involves a lot of thought and past pain to reach that conclusion. Maybe, just maybe if someone who does not do well in LDRs falls strongly in love with a person they must part with, they'll survive. Survive, not thrive, mind you.

So:

a. She doesn't deal well with LDRs +
b. She'll be in a whole new place with new people and responsibilities to stress her out +
c. She'll have to stay for an entire year, which isn't a small deal =
d. She sees this as an equation she can't work with.

It's "nice" of you to offer to just dump her if she becomes too attached in October, but man, what the hell? She'll be attached, possibly doubting her decisions and second-guessing her dreams, and experiencing a painful breakup while traveling to a new location if she decides to go. Isn't that sweet?

You've known this girl for a bit over a month - you'll click with someone else again. This fishie isn't for you.
posted by Bakuun at 7:00 PM on June 28

Jacquilynne's answer seems most in line with the spirit of what she was saying. But I guess I just have a hard time seeing that point of view.

The thing is, you don't need to see her point of view. You need to accept though, that it's her point of view. As cabingirl wrote, If you keep hounding her about it even though she's made her position clear, then you're not respecting her decision.
posted by headnsouth at 7:37 PM on June 28 [1 favorite]

There was no indication that this girl was not that into me before she decided to go away to school, and I've been in those situations before so.....sorry, but she said that she would have fallen for me while tears streamed down her face, I believed her, and nobody who wasn't there will convince me otherwise.

Well, yeah, it might have gone that way. She's just not choosing to let it go that way. Falling for someone is not as important to her as her career right now.

But I guess I just have a hard time seeing that point of view. If I feel strongly for another, I would want to do everything I could to make it work.

Well, yeah, I can't say I'd agree with it either. But that's your priority. It's not her priority.

Sorry.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:58 PM on June 28

I'll try to expand on my thoughts in case it helps further. I think she's doing emotional math and it's not working out in her favor. Look at the possible outcomes of continuing to date you:

1. Before October, you break up for reasons unrelated to her leaving town.
Additional emotional trauma: moderate, since she's gotten more attached to you in the mean time.
Effect on her career: low to moderate depending on how close to October.

2. In October, you two have fallen madly in love, and she goes off and leaves you behind in an attempt to do the kind of LDR she knows she can't handle.
Additional emotional trauma: high, since she's in a high stress situation and a high stress relationship.
Effect on her career: high, if her assessment of how well she does LDR is correct.

3. In October, you two have fallen madly in love, and she plans to stay for you.
3a. You dump her like you're promising you would.
Additional emotional trauma: Insane. She has neither dream job nor boyfriend.
Effect on her career: Devastating. No dream job.

3b. You don't dump her like you're promising you would.
Additional emotional trauma: High. She still has a relationship, but with a guy she resents, because he just cost her her dream job.
Effect on her career: Devastating. No dream job.

3c. You dump her like you're promising to, so she goes off to school.
Additional emotional trauma: Insane. She's now far away from home in a stressful situation having just experienced a traumatic breakup.
Effect on her career: Moderate to high depending on how well she handles the breakup and school.

4. In October, you two have fallen madly in love, and you plan to move for her.
Additional emotional trauma: moderate. She has dream job, but you've had to give up on your possible TV show. Do you resent her for that?
Effect on career: Low. Assuming you'll move for her again the next year, too.

5. She breaks up with you now before she gets too attached. In October she's over you and able to focus on her career.
Additional emotional trauma: low.
Effect on her career: none.

There's no outcome here without pain for her, so she's picking the one with the least downside and the most stable upside (dream job almost guaranteed vs. dream job in jeopardy and possibility for love).

Your feeling that all you see is pain and loneliness short and long term vs. her seeing it only short term is partly a product of her seeing a payoff (dream job) that is part of her calculations but not yours. So it's natural that she's seeing things differently.

But I also wonder how the two of you would answer the question 'Do you believe there's one true love for everyone?' She might think you're one in a million, but that means there are 400 more like you in North America. If you think she might be THE ONE, while she thinks you're an excellent candidate but one of many qualified for the job, that might account for part of the gap in how you see the risk/benefit ratio.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:46 PM on June 28

I agree with the others, you should let this go.

However, you seem determined to find ways to not let it go. In that case, my advise would be to pretend that you never broke up. Call her up, make plans, make dates, go do fun things, ignore any talk about "the future" and just focus on having fun with her now. If she really was as torn about this as you perceived her to be (her teary eyes, etc) then she'll welcome any excuse to pretend it isn't over. And then, after a month or so of this, you can both agree that you two are meant to be together and you can have a wonderful time until October and then you will both make the hard decisions all over again. Plenty of people have tried this route. It's fun in the short term. It doesn't work very well in the long term. And there's a chance she might wonder why you're not playing by the rules on this one, or even think you're being a little creepy. But hey, it's your life and if you want to pursue this relationship, do so. But don't be a stalker, either.
posted by Happydaz at 11:36 PM on June 28

But hey, it's your life and if you want to pursue this relationship, do so.

I think there's a difference between "it's your life, do what you want" and "respect the boundaries other people set." In this case, based on all the factors that could mean heartbreaks and hardships in the longterm, I think the latter is more important.
posted by Bakuun at 1:10 PM on June 29