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Feeling like a rebound..
June 25, 2008 1:00 PM   Subscribe

In love with an ex boyfriend that i am currently dating, but i think he's still in love with his other ex gf, i feel like a rebound, should i stay or should i go? Help!!

Basically we were together a few yrs back for about 2yrs broke up went our own ways and didnt speak for about 2 yrs, i had other bf's but never loved them like i loved him, he fell in love with another girl he dated for about a yr, they broke up and now hes back in my life.
But i know for a fact he still misses her and probabaly does want her back but doesnt go after her. i been hurt by him before i dont think i would be able to take that again. everything is great between us now, but im always paranoid that any minute now he will say "we need to talk, we cant be together anymore im getting back with my ex gf". i know he cares about me, but other than that i dont know what he really feels for me at the moment. Should i ask him? i dont want him to feel pressured that i want us to be more committed or scare him off, because i definitely want to take things slowly. But i also feel he is with me because he is trying to get over her somehow and that bothers me. should i wait a while and see where this keeps going and risk the chance of getting hurt, again!! or leave now?? i love him deeply, always have but i just dont know what to do anymore, i need to here other opinions besides friends.
Thanks in advance.
posted by SummerLove to Human Relations (22 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Dump him and move on.
posted by gyusan at 1:07 PM on June 25, 2008


i been hurt by him before i dont think i would be able to take that again

There's your answer. Dump him.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 1:10 PM on June 25, 2008 [1 favorite]


You don't say what broke you up the first time around. What has changed that makes you think you wouldn't have the same issues and break up again?
posted by pixlboi at 1:12 PM on June 25, 2008


dump du-dump dump dump
posted by pinto at 1:12 PM on June 25, 2008


So, let me see if I understand this... you were dating him. You broke up and didn't speak for two years. He began seeing someone else. They broke up. Now he's gone back to you. Is that correct? It's hard to answer this question without knowing why the two of you broke up in the first place. Was it trust issues or anything similar to the predicament in which you find yourself now? And how did the two of you end up back together this time around?

Whatever the case, you should be honest with him about your fears. I personally wouldn't want to stay with someone who had already hurt me in the same way once before. Trust is so important in a relationship.

So is patience and understanding, however. I don't know the circumstances surrounding your getting back together, but sometimes the timing just works out that way, and it's not automatically a rebound situation. My boyfriend and I began dating relatively shortly after my previous relationship ended. He most certainly was not a rebound for me, but he made it clear he would understand if I needed more time, and he was always willing to listen if I needed to talk. Just knowing I had that support won him points in bulk, and we've now been dating for longer than I was with the ex, and I have zero desire to get back with said ex.

But this advice is tough to give, honestly, because we know so little about your situation.
posted by katillathehun at 1:14 PM on June 25, 2008


Without even having read your [more inside], GO!
posted by notsnot at 1:18 PM on June 25, 2008


Do second times around ever work? I don't know any that have worked. The second period of dating always seems to be some sort of leftover emotional laziness, and it usually seems to collapse quickly.
posted by rokusan at 1:21 PM on June 25, 2008


wow Dump is the key word here i guess...
we broke up the first time because we were young, stupid and immature. we have both changed a whole lot and i know for a fact that IF we were to get back together and lets say break up again it definitely wouldnt be for the same reasons as back then, so i am not concerned about our past relationship with each other repeating itself in the same manner. i am concerned about him leaving me for her now or in the future if she happens to come back into his life... i dont know what he is thinking. They didnt just break up and he ran back to me, it took a few months i was dating someone else and he knew that.. it didnt work out and we slowly became friends again after so long and started hanging out more and more.
posted by SummerLove at 1:37 PM on June 25, 2008


In response to rokusan, I am now back with a girl i dated about 5 years ago and its working far better this time around.

However the reason we broke up the first time round is I basically didn't want to settle down. There weren't any trust issues or anything the timing just wasn't right.

So second time round can definitely work but it all depends on why you split up in the first place. If it was trust issues dump his ass, as you will always have that niggling feeling in your mind.
posted by moochoo at 1:40 PM on June 25, 2008 [1 favorite]


Do you feel like you are way into him, and he's only sort of into you? Unpleasant. You can do better. Don't let yourself be in a relationship where the other person holds all the cards and you're always wondering "am I good enough?"
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:00 PM on June 25, 2008 [2 favorites]


if you don't know what he is thinking and would like to, then ask. you two have been together before so it's not like it's some sort of brand new relationship with someone you've only been with or known for a few months. if you can't ask him, then you shouldn't be in this relationship.
posted by violetk at 2:05 PM on June 25, 2008


i dont know what he is thinking

This is the problem. Ask him. Be honest. You don't have to lay it on thick, just say you feel for reasons x, y and z, that maybe he's not over his ex. Communicate.
posted by neblina_matinal at 2:07 PM on June 25, 2008 [1 favorite]


I am that guy you are actually talking about......and in this case I really feel you are asking the question to me personally because i am in the exact same situation and the facts you covered above seem to be more than a coincidence.....however because I dont know your identity...I'll try my best to answer.

1) Whatever relationship(s) I have now has nothing to do with the other one....... Really it does not


2) The big "IF" doesnt need to be "Is he going to get back with her" rather the question is IF you are going to become a couple? whatever the reason you guys (we?) break up after that probably will not have to do with her...but YOUR relationship...but as I said before the big if is getting to that point.

3) I think that what you may be feeling is that you need to be in a committed relationship while he does not....if you feel that this is the way you guys are going why dont you ask HIM...hey do you see yourself with me in a couple of months, or years? and see what he says....if he is unsure while YOU are SURE that this is what you want then maybe kick it back to being a friend and avoid getting hurt until he knows what he wants......

"we need to talk, we cant be together anymore im getting back with my ex gf".


While that might be one of the reasons he breaks up with you....here are other possible reasons (framed in the first person):

a) I dont love you in the same way you love me.
b) I would like to start a relationship where none of the pain of the past is a recurrent theme in the future (you were not the only one in pain when you first broke up).
c) I see you've changed ( and I've changed) but my fear is that you will revert to whoever you were before when we first broke up.
d) You cheat on me or evidence comes out that you cheated on me (even the first time around) and you've been lying to me all this time.
posted by The1andonly at 2:09 PM on June 25, 2008


This is the problem. Ask him. Be honest. You don't have to lay it on thick, just say you feel for reasons x, y and z, that maybe he's not over his ex. Communicate.


I second this....you should ask him.
posted by The1andonly at 2:10 PM on June 25, 2008


Okay, we're closing the door and leaving you two alone. Alone, as in, how you should have had this conversation in the first place.

And if you're not each others' boyfriend and girlfriend, then perhaps you should take the hint.
posted by neblina_matinal at 2:42 PM on June 25, 2008


violetk has a good point as well as many others, so i guess i will be asking...communication is important and i suppose its better to know now than later.
the1andonly, its not you since we are in florida and his name is not alex, but since you say you are in the same situation, let me know how it goes.
But thankyou for the advice, wish me luck.
posted by SummerLove at 2:46 PM on June 25, 2008


Did you break up because you were young, or because he hurt you?
posted by sondrialiac at 2:57 PM on June 25, 2008


B/c he cheated once and it just went downhill from there...
posted by SummerLove at 3:41 PM on June 25, 2008


So, he has a history of cheating on you and is still hung up on an old girlfriend?

Sounds like you're both still being young and retarded. This is not the basis of a stable relationship. Find a new guy--men who have not cheated on you and are not hung up on ex-girlfriends exist.
posted by schroedinger at 6:59 PM on June 25, 2008 [1 favorite]


I am that guy you are actually talking about......and in this case I really feel you are asking the question to me personally because i am in the exact same situation and the facts you covered above seem to be more than a coincidence.....however because I dont know your identity...I'll try my best to answer.

SummerLove - since you appear to be very new here, you mightn't realise you can look up The1andonly's questions & comments on this site. Maybe you can work out if he is, in fact, the guy you're talking about.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:37 PM on June 25, 2008


i been hurt by him before i dont think i would be able to take that again.

Why is that? You've actually handled it before. You know you can do it. So think about that every time you worry.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:25 AM on June 26, 2008


you are right, i got through it before, i can do it again. will hurt like hell but time heals everything!!
posted by SummerLove at 8:22 AM on June 26, 2008


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