Should I stay or go?

June 23, 2008 8:17 PM

Follow-up to this. So I finally managed to break things off with the one in my class. I had some talks with some other people also and realized that it wasn't good for me, and I was essentially being used. Right now we don't speak at all, which is perfectly fine for me, and I spend my time interacting with everyone else.

As for my ex-girlfriend, I did end it with her while I was on vacation, although we still speak online often. This is really what this question is about. We were together for 3 years, and although I initiated the break-up, I am finding being on my own very difficult. She asked me many times for us to try and work things out, but I kept saying that it is healthier for us both to not be together. We haven't been happy since last year October, but had many problems before that, both because of me, and because of her.

Since we broke up, she has had the support of her friends, goes out a lot, does a lot of socializing (we're not in the same country), while I have been here studying, where I have very few friends, and just my brother. She has also begun to start talking (online) quite often with a new guy, and even likes him somewhat she has told me. The guy I know although I don't talk to him often, because we went to high school together.

She says that she is very hurt, and is trying to move on, and that talking to me so much is hurtful towards her, and she can't get back together with me because she can't do the whole separating thing again, it was too difficult.

I broke up with her because I just felt that I could be happier with someone else, and felt it wouldn't be fair to just stay with her until that someone else came along. I also didn't want to feel accountable to someone else for my actions. Additionally, it would be at least a year before we would be able to live together, and it's very hard only seeing the person you love every few months. We also drove each other so nuts sometimes, plus there is absolutely no trust between us. However, I still find myself missing her very very badly, to the point that I can't concentrate on anything.

She also says that she loves me and misses me, and is just trying to move on. What should I do? Am I just feeling this way because some sick part of me wanted her to continue being after me all the time, and now that she is trying to move on it is just making me jealous? Should I disregard my feelings of no accountability, and "the grass is greener on the other side" attitude, and try to get back together with her and mend things? We used to get along perfectly, although that was over a year ago. There are many things about her I love, so many, but there are also many things I don't. But wouldn't I have to compromise any way, and not ever find the perfect person?

I am going home in just over a week and she will still be there. What should I do?

posted by anonymous to human relations (13 comments total)

She also says that she loves me and misses me, and is just trying to move on. What should I do?

Let her. Why are you two even talking? You're in separate countries, cut the emotional cord already. Let the breakup breathe for awhile. You both need to move on with your lives, this is not helping.

Am I just feeling this way because some sick part of me wanted her to continue being after me all the time, and now that she is trying to move on it is just making me jealous?

Yes. Ignore that bad man.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:24 PM on June 23 [1 favorite]

sounds like you miss having someone more than you actually miss her. you need to go out and meet people and socialize so you stop dwelling on her and the relationship and what could have been and blah blah blah. you also need to stop all contact with her, period, till the both of you are over it.

so don't talk to her and don't see her. serious.
posted by violetk at 8:28 PM on June 23

I did end it with her while I was on vacation,

Good job.

although we still speak online often

No! Stop that! Stop that right now! If you want to talk to her in six months, great, but not now. You are wasting your youth on this foolishness. Go do anything else.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 8:40 PM on June 23

'although we still speak online often.'

Easy answer: Stop that. (echoing everybody else who's answered).

Your question reads like 'doctor, it hurts when I do that!' You're trying to be friends with her already, but it's common wisdom that you need a period of time apart to get over the 'relationship' aspect and move on, as she says she's trying to do. You do sound like you're just getting jealous and panicking at being single again and struggling to cope with the massive change that a breakup is, but not at all like you've suddenly realised that she is in fact the one for you, so you shouldn't get back together.

Stop talking to her so much. When you get home, if you have the same friends you might end up doing group stuff together. That's ok (although it may well turn out really awkward so you avoid it) but DON'T start hanging out one-on-one. Don't do deep and meaningful conversations about how much you still love/admire each other, and how good the relationship was, and what you could have done to fix the problems. Don't talk to her about how much you/she is hurting. And don't minimize to yourself the reasons you broke up with her. Remind yourself of them, if you have to. Getting over a relationship is hard, even when you're right to have ended it (which it sounds like you are). Good luck.
posted by jacalata at 9:14 PM on June 23

I broke up with her because I just felt that I could be happier with someone else, and felt it wouldn't be fair to just stay with her until that someone else came along...We also drove each other so nuts sometimes, plus there is absolutely no trust between us.

You had it right the first time. Just keep telling yourself that over and over.

But wouldn't I have to compromise any way, and not ever find the perfect person?

Not like what you just described.
posted by salvia at 9:28 PM on June 23

Cut the cord. Seriously, both of you have to create a new life without each other. It's the only way. It's hard, kind of like walking through a room with the lights out, but it's the only way. Stay away from each other. That's an order.

In, say, six months, or better yet a year later, you can check up on her, or vice versa. Be alone for a while. I don't know if you're a serial monogamist, but I'd give that advice to anyone who's never spent a long period of time alone.
posted by zardoz at 9:58 PM on June 23

It sounds like you're more compelled by not wanting to be alone than by wanting to be with her. That's not fair to her, to you, or to the next exciting single girl that you meet. Stop talking, let her heal, and see if you can't go find somebody you're genuinely excited about.
posted by willpie at 4:55 AM on June 24

Knock it off.
Turn off the AIM or ICQ or Yahoo! Messenger, get away from the computer and go get yourself one of those shiny, spiffy new lives that everyone keeps talking about.

You're not doing anyone any good, especially yourself, by wallowing in this.

Put a band aid on it, and DON'T KEEP RIPPING IT OFF.

Move on, ignore any future attempts at communication, and let it heal.
posted by willmize at 5:07 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]

Put a band aid on it, and DON'T KEEP RIPPING IT OFF

Totally solid advice.
posted by flabdablet at 5:45 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]

Make an effort to see it from her point of view. What you're doing by dragging out this drama is selfish and cruel. Man up and stop it.
posted by fuse theorem at 5:58 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]

Am I just feeling this way because some sick part of me wanted her to continue being after me all the time, and now that she is trying to move on it is just making me jealous?

Yep.

The other thing is this--don't think out the answer to this now. You don't know how you will feel when you get there or what you will do. Everything else is just anxiety reduction. Trust that you will know what to do when you get there.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:13 AM on June 24 [1 favorite]

I broke up with her because I just felt that I could be happier with someone else, and felt it wouldn't be fair to just stay with her until that someone else came along... Should I... try to get back together with her and mend things?

Yep, I took out alot of your question, but there it is. Breaking up with her because your heart wasn't in it was a noble thing to do. Had you stayed with her (and treated her well) that might have not been so bad, either. But to break up with someone who you know you don't want to be with and go back to them, just out of convenience? That's unnecessary. Don't be an ass. Let her go.
posted by 23skidoo at 7:15 AM on June 24

She also says that she loves me and misses me, and is just trying to move on.

Is she saying this because it's true, or because you both keep getting involved in these dramatic conversations and she feels like she needs to support you emotionally or she feels guilted into saying "oh me too"?

If you want to move on, move on. This process does not involve the person you're moving on from.
posted by catlet at 11:16 AM on June 24