How do normal people go about finding casual sex?

June 20, 2008 7:16 AM

How do normal people go about finding casual sex? For someone who thinks that taking advantage of drunk girls in clubs is immoral and adult match-making websites are scams or dangerous, is there any outlet to meet nice (albeit frisky!) gentlemen and ladies?

I'm an easy-going and friendly guy, but I have no idea how to broach the topic with single female friends, lest I scare them or have them consider me a deviant! How do I go about meeting (or finding) friendly, open-minded people who are open to the idea of casual (but fully consensual, not alcohol-fuelled) sex?

I'm not averse to the idea of developing friendships with such open-minded people, but I have no idea regarding the etiquette involved.

I'm a young, male university student in Melbourne, Australia who spends way too much time pontificating on societal hang-ups, if that matters. Throwaway email for the discreet/propositions: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (20 comments total)

Taking advantage of drunk girls in clubs is immoral, but striking up a conversation with a woman in a bar or club is not. You're overthinking this. Go out and talk to women. Some of them will like you. Some will not. Some will want to go home with you. Some will not.
posted by kate blank at 7:28 AM on June 20, 2008

You've kind of ruled out the two main ways casual sex happens. A drink or two doesn't mean sloppy drunk- we call it a social lubricant for a reason. But if you absolutely require teetotaler casual sex, put an ad in your local alt weekly ISO casual encounters.
posted by headspace at 7:28 AM on June 20, 2008

It's a numbers game. Pure and simple. Go to a bar and chat them up.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:43 AM on June 20, 2008

What makes you think "adult match-making websites are scams or dangerous"? In my dating days, I met many fine women via such sites, and had sex with several of them. I was never scammed nor endangered.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:03 AM on June 20, 2008

In my experience it's rarely casual sex for very long if it's with one of your friends. Someone usually develops feelings for the other and suddenly "casual" is out the window.

If you really want casual sex go chat up some women in bars or at private parties. I've generally had better luck at private parties but you have to be extra careful with making it clear that you're only interested in casual sex and not a relationship because the people you meet at private parties are usually your friends' friends which can lead to complications if someone gets hurt.

And, as mentioned above, it's not taking advantage of someone just because there are a few drinks involved. Just don't drag anybody home with you who's drunk out of their skull and you're fine.
posted by sveskemus at 8:36 AM on June 20, 2008

28 year old women will do this. You talk to 6 of them, 1 of them will sleep with you. Just be nice and presentable. First thing you do is find a male friend who will wing for you.
posted by ChabonJabon at 9:02 AM on June 20, 2008

I know several people that got married from those websites. Try it out - you email with the person a while before meeting...
posted by xammerboy at 9:06 AM on June 20, 2008

craigslist?
posted by violetk at 9:48 AM on June 20, 2008

Definitely craigslist.
posted by small_ruminant at 9:51 AM on June 20, 2008

You're at a university and can't find casual sex? Really? Well, have you thought about throwing a theme party of some kind that requires skimpy clothing or costumes? You'll be able to pick out the girls who are a bit friskier than the others by what they're wearing.

Examples:

- Toga party
- Gods and goddesses party
- Naughty and nice party (sort of like the hookers/vicars parties they have in the UK)

Of course if you have a Myspace profile and you set your status to "swinger", swinger groups will come out of the woodwork and proposition you. Just saying. Those people are guaranteed to be down with casual sex, both male and female.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 10:17 AM on June 20, 2008

For someone who thinks that taking advantage of drunk girls in clubs is immoral

Maybe a recalibration of your moral compass is in order. I'm trying to word this as carefully as possible, but not all girls that go out and hook up with someone after a couple drinks have been taken advantage of. They're just like you; they go out to clubs to have a great time, throw a few back, and see what happens. Grab a friend or two, put a couple beers down and start chatting girls up while you're out.

Your heart is in the right place in that you want to avoid the sloppiest of the group (you don't want to hook up with these girls anyway) but you're probably doing more harm than good if you're avoiding hitting on women in bars/clubs altogether because of some off-base gentlemanly stuff. If you haven't posted a question here yet about how you've hit on hundreds of women without sealing the deal, then I'm afraid you just haven't tried hard enough, my friend.
posted by littlelebowskiurbanachiever at 11:21 AM on June 20, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

craigslist
posted by Avenger at 11:25 AM on June 20, 2008

28 year old women will do this.

What?
posted by birdie birdington at 11:34 AM on June 20, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

What?

Why not? Unless she's married or in a LTR. There's women in their mid-thirties who are up for casual sex.
posted by sixcolors at 12:00 PM on June 20, 2008

I think maybe birdie wrote, "what?" because the comment was, "28-year-old women will do this," suggesting that an arbitrary, specific age was bizarre. As in....a 28-year-old woman will do this, but NOT a 26-year-old or a 29-year-old, 45-year-old, fill-in-the-age? That's what I thought anyway, I could be wrong as to birdie's response.
posted by Gerard Sorme at 12:31 PM on June 20, 2008

What makes you think "adult match-making websites are scams or dangerous"?

Well, I know from AdultFriendFinder adverts that dating websites are willing to lie in their advertisements. It would be awkward to find oneself in the situation where a website had cultivated different expectations in men and women, and find oneself 'on the hook' for the difference.
posted by Mike1024 at 1:22 PM on June 20, 2008

I could be wrong as to birdie's response.

Nope, you got it.
posted by birdie birdington at 3:18 PM on June 20, 2008

craiglist ... not so much in .au.

Seriously mate, you're in Melbourne, and you can't find a girl? What the hell?

That said, most females of that approximate age will probably not think you're odd for wanting to get laid. I'd venture a guess as to say it's likely that so long as you don't mention Golgotha or Hellfire or similar, they're probably not going to think you're a deviant.

Go to bars, get numbers. Later, have them out for coffee or lunch, and then in the cold light of day sans alcohol, ask if they want to get their freak on. Easier said than done, true, but still.

That, or hang out with some university clubs and societies and whatnot. Make friends.

Pro tip: if a chick turns you down, don't make things weird. Just drop it, and be gracious.
posted by ysabet at 8:01 PM on June 20, 2008

I'm a young, female university student formerly in Melbourne and the easiest answer is to hook up with the girls in bars/at parties who are not so drunk that it is immoral. It's a good location for it. On the other hand, the complicating factor is that I've only ever gone home with guys I knew/friends-of-friends from bars. So, you need to expand your social circle to include people who go out to have fun, not to get hammered, and are open to picking up. I did this by joining a university sports club. Any large mixed gender uni club/local sports club of the right age group should feature some of these people.
posted by jacalata at 10:07 PM on June 20, 2008

You know that many girls go to bars looking for casual sex, right?
posted by CunningLinguist at 9:11 AM on June 22, 2008