Should I just pick up the phone and call?
June 13, 2008 6:01 PM Subscribe
Should I suck it up and extend an olive branch or wait for her to contact me? [Long, long post. Apologies]
posted by anonymous to human relations (12 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
I have been friends with Jess* for 8 years now. We were very close after we left school and I had seen her through a few serious relationships, being disowned and kicked out, having her live with me and my family, being accepted back into her family, her brother and mother getting quite sick, her father getting extremely sick (as in, we all thought he would die), I helped her move to another state, supported her as she has broken up and got back together with her current boyfriend a number of times and I have also seen her start 3 different degrees at 3 different universities. Jess has lived interstate for 2 years now, with her boyfriend and, understandably our relationship (“best friends”) has changed, I was expecting it to change as she has James* and is wrapped up in him and their relationship. I should say I have two other friends I would say are “best friends” that also are close with Jess.
I recently, with another of our close friends (Mel*), visited her at considerable expense. We went for a weekend and it was awful. We were made to feel like we were intruding on their weekend and when discussing plans Jess would get angry at us because we didn’t know what restaurant we wanted to go to for dinner / what activity we wanted to do. Nothing was planned. Also, Jess & James are so focused on each other that Mel and I basically spent all weekend just hanging out as the two of us. The three girls probably only spent a total of 3 hours, just us with Jess’ full attention, over the entire weekend as James had to be involved in everything we did. I had gone down to see my best friend, to spend time with HER not James and she was aware of this. You can probably appreciate how upset I would have become so I did what I usually do - I clammed up. I could have handled it better and I openly acknowledge that I am partly to blame for the situation our friendship is now in.
We talked about a week after the disastrous weekend and now, 3 months later, have only spoken about once. In the last 2 months, I haven’t heard from her at all. In our 1 conversation she accused me of being rude to James “you didn’t answer him when he spoke to you” which I would never do, I was a guest in his house, so was a little WTF? Another comment was “she was frustrated that we wouldn’t make any decisions, I’m not here to ‘entertain you’” which made me really, really angry. Whenever she visits we all make an effort to make plans or have something arranged. Also, she was our host in my eyes which means, yes, you have a small burden of planning at least dinner ahead of time.
Also that she “wanted us to get to know her and James as a couple” which I told her I thought should have been told to Mel and I beforehand, rather than us thinking we were going to get some quality time with her. I also, stupidly, after she told me she “wanted me to totally honest with her” told her that the only person I have any interest in is her and that forcing me to watch them be all over each other is not a good way to endear me to them as a couple. I know, I shouldn’t have said I don’t care about getting to know James but... it’s really how I feel.
I’m at a point where I am really sad that we aren’t talking but also angry that I seem to be heaped with all the blame for the outcome of the weekend – to the point that we aren’t talking anymore. I feel like the fact I’m not that wrapped in being “best friends” with her boyfriend shouldn’t be such an issue, we have never had that type of relationship where we have to be buddy-buddy with each others partner’s. I have been there for her for so many years, so many dramas (with very few of my own), that I feel angry that she would be so willing to throw it all away for something like this and that, once again, I’m the one that has to do something about it, fix it, etc. The friends we share say she has been sobbing down the phone to them about this… so why doesn’t she do something? Am I being spiteful by not calling her myself?
So… Should I suck it up and extend an olive branch or wait for her to contact me?
Throwaway email for any further questions is email@example.com
Thanks in advance for everyone who dispenses advice – MeFi is my favourite. *Fake names, of course.