Nice way to say no, thanks

June 13, 2008 3:47 PM

Occasionally, I respond to online personal ads that do not have a picture attached. I ask for a picture, and sometimes, when I see the pictures, I'm not attracted in the least to the person. Shallow, I know, but physical attraction is important to me. What is a polite way of saying this without hurting their feelings?
posted by angiewriter to human relations (33 comments total)

I don't think you have to say it at all. If you haven't even met the person yet, standard practice in these cases is to just stop emailing. It's what everyone always did to me :-)

Incidentally, it's not really a shallow reaction. We're human, physical attraction is important. People who think they have the moral high ground in saying that it's shallow to take an interest in someone's appearance are deluding themselves.
posted by autojack at 3:53 PM on June 13, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

There's no nice way to say, "Ok, thanks, I've seen you now and you don't do it for me." Say nothing. People who online date very much understand.
posted by CwgrlUp at 3:55 PM on June 13, 2008

I agree with autojack. But if you want to reply, just say something simple & straight like "thanks for corresponding, but i don't think we are a good match."
posted by gnutron at 3:55 PM on June 13, 2008

i think with online dating, when you haven't done a whole lot of corresponding back and forth already, it's fine not to reply.

also, i'm tired of people apologizing for wanting to actually be physically attracted to the person they date. god forbid. like autojack said, it's not shallow. it's human nature and—while it's certainly not everything—it is important.
posted by violetk at 4:06 PM on June 13, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Yeah, thinking back to my online-personal-ad-dating days, I can't think of a nice way to say "Hey, you're nice, but ugly." If you feel you must say something, say something like "You know, I usually am a pretty good judge of these things, and I'm getting the feeling we're not really going to click," or something like that. I got that resonse from someone once, and it very well could have been that she didn't find me attractive, or it could've been my love of fedoras, or I was too tall, or that I like cats, or.... I don't know, and, honestly, I'd rather not know, if my appearance was the reason. Sure, if we'd gone out, I'd push for more of an explanation, but since we hadn't met, a little white-lie blow-off would be OK.
posted by MrMoonPie at 4:21 PM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Just say "Sorry, you are not my type." At least you've save you both inconvenience of getting coffee.
posted by zia at 4:23 PM on June 13, 2008

how about "oh, sorry - for some reason in my mind i thought you were [insert whatever race they're not]. i've got a specific thing for [race] girls/guys"
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:37 PM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm not sure a white lie is going to help-- just leaves the door open to possible plaintive negotiation or even more hurt feelings later.
Just say, "No thank you" and cease contact.
Clean. Kind. Break.
posted by Dizzy at 4:52 PM on June 13, 2008

UbuRoivas' idea is clever, and I like it. The only thing I would worry about with that approach would be if the person I told this to turned out to be friends with someone on the dating site I turned out to really like who wasn't [whatever race you said you prefer]. I've heard of things like that occurring, where friends join the site together and share stories about the people they've met/corresponded with.

Because of that, I'd suggest either not replying or, as gnutron succinctly put it, responding (if you feel you must) with a "Thanks for corresponding; unfortunately, I don't think we're a good match."
posted by limeonaire at 4:53 PM on June 13, 2008

Ask for the pic as the very first thing. Something along the lines of wanting to know who you're talking to. There's a better way to put that, but I've been out of the online dating scene for some time. If they don't want to provide a pic, or have some excuse (which these days where even most cellphones have built-in cameras is a lame excuse), it would raise some red flags for me. The exception being if you don't have a pic in your profile either, and don't offer to exchange.
posted by hungrysquirrels at 4:59 PM on June 13, 2008

Yes, there's totally a nice way of saying you're not interested. As someone who's had this happen to her (and swore off internet dating sites afterward) I really recommend you simply say, "I'm so sorry, I don't think you're really my type... but good luck!!"

By not replying you're implying that the person is so unattractive you don't even want to send them on their way.

It's my firm belief that "just ignore them" is always bad advice. It's just mean. Have the guts to let someone down gracefully.
posted by loiseau at 5:11 PM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I think that it's best to at least reply with something. So many guys have written me back to thank me for writing back to say I'm not interested because they say so few women EVER write back. I personally hate when the person just stops corresponding; we are adults and I think that we can all handle a tiny little dose of sugar-coated truth now and then, if only to release us from wondering if the person is going to write back.
posted by kenzi23 at 5:46 PM on June 13, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

"Thanks, you're totally cute, but you're not my type. Good luck with everything."

Then of course (if they're a certain kind of dude) they can reply and tell you they'll be the one to change your type baybee... etc.

I think it's polite to send a reply, otherwise you can leave someone wondering if the image attachment sent the message to your spam or something. Sensible people know that looks do matter, and that it's not necessarily just a case of ugly/not ugly.
posted by crabintheocean at 5:52 PM on June 13, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

n'thing a polite "you're not my type" - it doesn't say anything about whether the person is or isn't attractive, because no matter how hot you are, superstar or not, no-one is everyone's type.
Also, it's honest, and it's a reply.
posted by -harlequin- at 5:58 PM on June 13, 2008

If you think pleasant fiction is necessary, ask for more than a photo. Ask for them to talk about themselves in much more detail. You can then much plausibly say "you're not my type" without having them immediately realize it's for shallow reasons. Don't prefix it with "You're cute, but..." unless you are into less-than-white lie territory.
posted by randomstriker at 6:22 PM on June 13, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

oh and if they respond with only a photo, then you can plausibly say you're worth a little more effort -- better luck next time.
posted by randomstriker at 6:23 PM on June 13, 2008

I've been on the receiving end of this, sometimes after investing weeks in deep conversation, and I learned to send pictures right away, because apparently I'm not a lot of people's type. I'd rather get it over with than drag it out and get hurt. Unless your specifications are pretty narrow (like, no blondes), the guy probably already knows why he's being rejected. "Sorry, you're not my type" or "I don't think we're a match" is all you need to say. If he asks why, just keep repeating that you don't think you're compatible. Never, ever tell him why unless you become really good friends and it's a year down the road.
posted by desjardins at 6:42 PM on June 13, 2008

"oh, sorry - for some reason in my mind i thought you were [insert whatever race they're not]. i've got a specific thing for [race] girls/guys"

That could be far more offensive to some people than "I don't find you that attractive".
posted by sixcolors at 6:48 PM on June 13, 2008

i say don't reply. most people who post ads should be aware that appearance may be an issue, and that a reply is by no means guaranteed. they will assume that appearance was the issue no matter what you say, so you might as well say nothing.
posted by whitedoor at 6:56 PM on June 13, 2008

"Sorry... you're cute, but you look like my ex-boyfriend, and I don't think that would work out..." is basically how one girl cut off emails with me, soon after we started.

Since my pic was online the whole time, I know it was really something else - but a considerate white lie is still much nicer to swallow than the cold shoulder of not replying, or "Sorry, no physical attraction" (as one immigrant lady wrote - it felt like a cultural difference that she didn't think that was offensive).
posted by IAmBroom at 7:24 PM on June 13, 2008

i believe you should always reply. they took a big risk and you should encourage that by treating them well. if you don't reply, they're left hanging for some indeterminate amount of time. as far as they know, they may have been spam filtered.

the best rejection is vague, but honest. "you're not my type" may sound generic, but it's pretty generally known as code for "your looks don't turn me on". much better is "thanks, but i don't think we have a match here". if you ask other questions along with asking for photos, it doesn't have to appear as if you're rejecting on looks alone.
posted by bruceo at 8:19 PM on June 13, 2008

Ask for a picture in the intro email before any serious back and forth. That way you should easily be able to find something in the follow-up emails about them other than their looks to end it politely. "Oh, you only read fiction? Then this couldn't possibly work out. But good luck!"

I personally think it's pretty cool you actually write people with no picture posted. I would assume most people, like me, just skim pictures before reading any profiles. I've responded to emails from women on Match with no picture but I don't think I would initiate contact first.
posted by bda1972 at 8:55 PM on June 13, 2008

Nthing that you should at least reply with a small something instead of nothing at all. Ceasing all contact at that point just sends off "Eww, I don't even want to bother, ever" vibes. I also like the "You look like my ex" approach, but you'd have to pull it off better than IAmBroom's contact :)

Personally I'm not sure why people don't make photos available themselves - I understand that it could weed out a lot of "unwanted" attention, but everyone knows that physical attraction will need to be present for any real relationship to work out, so just make it easier and eliminate the guesswork, dangitall. Lazy bums!
posted by Bakuun at 10:31 PM on June 13, 2008

Dropping them early because of their look might not be the best strategy. Don't go for gold. Your first mail should merely try to set up a fun e-mail correspondence. In addition to being fun, that correspondence will try to set up a good time over coffee. Sharing coffee occasionally lead to a friendship, and if you're lucky, a relationship. Try to enjoy yourself at each step, because the end goal is so far you will never get there if you don't have fun on the way.

In the dating-site game, nobody expect to make it to the next level. They wish, but they don't expect. At any point, you have no obligation beyond letting people down politely, when the time comes. Because most people are so bad at it, the accepted practice is to simply too stop corresponding. Anything you do above that will get you brownie points.

Here's the secret. Your correspondent must have friends who are single, perhaps on the site itself. If you come across as a good person, and develop a camaraderie in your common search, you might get a recommendation.

So always remember to include, "good luck with your search."
posted by gmarceau at 10:57 PM on June 13, 2008

oh, sorry - for some reason in my mind i thought you were [insert whatever race they're not]

insanely bad idea. and many a dating sight expressly forbids this.
posted by randomstriker at 10:58 PM on June 13, 2008

Physical attraction is important. But. Not everyone looks like their dating profile photo. Sometimes someone will be attractive in person but terribly unphotogenic, sometimes the opposite. When I was online dating, I learned pretty quickly to reserve judgment on whether I was attracted to the person until after I had seen them in front of me.

That doesn't mean you should give everyone a chance. But for the borderline cases, where the photo is the only dealbreaker, and the guy comes across as "hmmm... no" rather than "oh HELL no," you might not want to write them off immediately.

That said, for the guys you're sure you're not attracted to, keeping it vague like "I don't think we'd click" or "be a good match" or "compatible" would be your best bet. As bruceo says, "You're not my type" generally means "I don't find you physically attractive," and when I've been on the receiving end of that I've always wanted to scream, "well, what IS your type?"
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:47 AM on June 14, 2008

Also, at the risk of saying an offensive, sexist truth:

If you are a girl rejecting the guy because of his looks, "you're not my type" will do. Most men are used to being rudely rejected by a woman.

If you are a guy rejecting the girl because of her looks, white lies are usually necessary. After all, why else would there be the universal advice to "compliment an intelligent woman on her looks, and a beautiful woman on her intelligence"?
posted by randomstriker at 11:20 AM on June 14, 2008

"oh, sorry - for some reason in my mind i thought you were [insert whatever race they're not]. i've got a specific thing for [race] girls/guys"

what? hell no, don't say that. sheez.
posted by violetk at 11:25 AM on June 14, 2008

I'd like to offer a counterpoint to the "It's always rude to just ignore online suitors, at least have the decency to write them a polite send-off" folks. Speaking for myself, I would much rather be blown off, where I'm free to imagine my email just didn't go through, the other person has already started dating someone else seriously, she fell off a cliff, etc., rather than be explicitly told "After viewing your photos I've determined you're far, far too ugly for me" (or some code phrase essentially stating the same thing).

The idea that simply ceasing communication is always a bad idea is not a universal truth.
posted by The Gooch at 1:26 PM on June 14, 2008

I'd say learn to be less shallow. What have you got to lose? Friends might laugh at you?

If you meet "ugly" people and get to know them you might find yourself changing perspective on their looks.
posted by Talez at 2:53 PM on June 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

what? hell no, don't say that. sheez.

hm, seems almost nobody liked that idea much. the concept was along the lines that the easiest way to convince people to do stuff is to somehow get them to think it was their idea. so, coming across as a shallow & potentially racist person should have your erstwhile suitor thinking "phew! thank god i narrowly missed that idiot!"
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:02 PM on June 14, 2008

The Gooch said: "The idea that simply ceasing communication is always a bad idea is not a universal truth."

I suggest you browse the numerous AskMes where someone posts one of these two things, almost verbatim:

1. "Person X has contacted me several times asking me to hang out, even though I never call back or reply to their email. What should I do to get this psycho to stop harrassing me?"

2. "I met a great [girl|guy] -- I thought we got along really well; we had some awesome email exchanges. Now [she's|he's] acting like I don't exist. What did I do wrong?"

The "just stop replying" advice is really a cop-out -- easier for the person who has the ball in their court than the one who's on the receiving end. The only time it's the best advice is when an abusive relationship is involved.
posted by loiseau at 4:47 PM on June 14, 2008

following the bird, here's an askme that's vaguely related.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:10 PM on June 14, 2008