not looking for ass, looking for love

June 12, 2008 7:28 AM

I live in DC, and I'm in my late twenties. What I've found, at a time in my life when I'm really looking for something serious - all I can find is ass.

I do realize that DC is a city that tends to be fuller of younger, more transient professionals - but I like living here, a lot of my family is here, and this is where I think I need to be.

Yet, I always thought as I got older, the number of women looking for a long term relationship would increase, but I still find it rare to really find someone that's looking for a relationship that will weather a career shift, a return to grad school, or something else.

What sort of suggestions? The problem isn't meeting people - most of my friends are girls, in fact - but I feel like maybe I'm going about it the wrong way.

posted by anonymous to human relations (21 comments total)

Have you tried bringing this up with your many women friends? They might have a pretty good idea...
posted by Echidna882003 at 7:41 AM on June 12, 2008

I've found that the more serious I am about anything, the more I attract people who are serious about that and other things in their own life. It's possible you might be finding only "ass" because you're either 1.) sending out the vibe that you're only looking for "ass" because you're trying too hard to force the sexual part of a relationship in order to get to the actual relationship part, or 2.) you're approaching every woman you date as a potential life-long mate and scaring them off. Contrary to many a false assumption, not every woman is interested in a life-long relationship with every guy we date. We, too, may just be in it for the "ass".

You might also try re-framing your thought process to include the possibility that there are more than two categories of women - "ass" and "long-term relationship material". Apologies if my assumption is incorrect, but that's how your question came across to me. Also bear in mind that real relationships develop over time, people's priorities can shift as they discover more information about a person, and that you may be shortchanging the actual stuff of your life by not developing lots of different types of relationships with the women you meet. A friend can become a lover and eventually a mate. And, if not, then you have nurtured a quality friendship over time, and that, in and of itself, can make you more attractive to the opposite sex because you'll come across as the serious, mature person you truly are, one that enjoys the company and influence of women outside of sexual relationships.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 7:46 AM on June 12, 2008

Stop referring to women as "ass".

If you go to the same place where you've been finding short-term relationships and try to look for a long-term relationship, it's probably not going to work. Not only is the atmosphere wrong for that kind of connection, when you're in those places you're in "fun mode" and you will continue to seek out and date the same kinds of people that you've always dated.

Decide if you want marriage and kids. A lot of women who are looking for a long-term relationship want it to include those things. If you don't think marriage or kids are for you, you need to disclose that.

Join organizations like churches, community service clubs, political groups specifically for young people, knitting circles, whatever. Make friends with everyone, old, young, male, female. You never know whose niece or sister or friend will end up being awesome.

Let your friends set you up on blind dates.

Finally, make sure you're in a good place, confident, happy with yourself, and willing to welcome someone into your heart and into your life.

Good luck.
posted by sondrialiac at 8:07 AM on June 12, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

If you're finding ass, you're doing better than most folks I know in DC - where'd you look? As you may have guessed, my sympathies are pretty much completely nil, but it does seem to me that you're on the right track - maybe the problem is your outlook (i.e., that said ass would actually be good relationship fodder were you not so dismissive in your attitudes)?
posted by kittens for breakfast at 8:09 AM on June 12, 2008

Also, frankly, I'd take issue with "a city that tends to be fuller of younger, more transient professionals." If this is how you see DC, maybe you're just going to the wrong activities/social spots. Branch out from kickball leagues and Adams Morgan dive bars, and you may find a more diverse crowd to hang out with. You know the routine: take a class, go to a book signing, do what you can to find a group with similar interests as yours. The rest will follow.
posted by nkknkk at 8:17 AM on June 12, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

DC is, indeed, kinda wierd. Most people are here for a reason--they're working for a politico, or some kind of cause, or they're building up their resume before they move somewhere else. Lots of lawyers who are just starting out, and are willing (eager, even) to put their personal life on hold for a few years. There are also a lot of people who are tremendously, freakishly ambitious--they're here because they want to be politicians, or run a non-profit, or be a partner in a law firm. There don't seem to be a lot of just, you know, folks going about their lives, looking for love and kids, those sort of incremental changes that most folks are happy with. Those people live out in the suburbs, more commonly.

I started dating in DC around age 30, and experienced many of the things you did. Most of the women I met who wanted to settle down and have a long-term relationship were around 40. They'd established their career, and now were working on their personal life. It's a condition of DC life, I think. Even the 40-year-olds, though, were over achievers, trying to have a LTR and a fabulously successful professional life. I admire those women, and fell in love with a couple of them, but I finally came to the conclusion that I simply couldn't manage a relationship with them. Maybe it's their flaw, maybe it's mine, but the relationships inevitably failed.

So I came up with a list of red flags. No one who ever used the phrase "work hard, play hard." I was wary of anyone who worked for a non-profit of any kind. Yoga afficianados, out. No Congressional staffers, or lawyers, no one self employed. No one who recently quit a high-powered job and was now looking for a "work/life balance." No one who intended to leave DC, either. I'm sure I missed out on some great opportunities, but, at least in DC, I needed to pretty strictly follow these rules (or guidelines, I guess).

I don't know if you're going about it the wrong way, or if it's just DC. There are women out there looking for what you want, but they're hard to find, and you'll need to weather some heartbreak to find them. I did, and married her, but it took a while.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:19 AM on June 12, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Oh specific recommendations. I met my wife via a CityPaper personal ad, and had good luck with match.com. Single Volunteers of DC was pretty good, too, and I did some fun things with the DCJCC. I actually still do things with the DCJCC, even though I'm not Jewish--their volunteer programs seem to align with my own interests. Plus, they put me, my wife, and my daughter in their brochures, so that's cool.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:27 AM on June 12, 2008

get a nice job and make lots of money and let people know you have it. All will then take care of itself.
posted by Postroad at 9:00 AM on June 12, 2008

get a nice job and make lots of money and let people know you have it.

what? seriously? i guess…if the kind of woman you want to attract is one who places a premium on someone with a lot of money.
posted by violetk at 9:24 AM on June 12, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Pick up women at church, or move farther south.
posted by sixcolors at 9:31 AM on June 12, 2008

this place is filled with women. There aren't as many men. Whenever I see this question, from a man or a woman, my advice is the same--volume dealing. Date a lot. Don't expect to find what you want without a long search.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:46 AM on June 12, 2008

I met my fiance at DC single volunteers, so never fear such women exist. I would try looking in places where you are likely to find woman who are looking to date long-term. Try DC Single Volunteers (although this group can tend to skew older). DC Young Professionals (this may have a different name now) used to have single mixers that might work, too. There are high-end dating services like "It's Just Lunch," as well. Oh and the Unitarian Church, All Souls, had a young professional group that might be a good place as well.
posted by bananafish at 9:50 AM on June 12, 2008

Who are these women that you're finding, and in what context are you finding them, and what makes them walking pairs of buttocks and not potential mental/emotional/spiritual partners?

I can't know for sure, but my best guess is that you're somehow positioning yourself as Ass too, whether it's from the places you're attending, the way you meet and approach women, or your willingness to settle for a hookup. If you really want a relationship but are open to casual encounters, most people are just going to hear the "open to casual encounters" part.

I bet some of the women you've dismissed as "ass" are asking their friends, "Why can't I find a serious relationship? All the guys I meet are only interested in sex." Their problem is probably the same as yours.

Stop hooking up and start dating. If you tend to come across as a party guy or a flirt, tone it down. You don't mention your hobbies and activities, but if they're all things like "going out" or "having fun," start cultivating new interests and find communities where you can share them with others.

And it might help to save the long-term goals for later. If someone's going away to school this fall, it might not be such a brilliant idea to start a relationship now, but don't dismiss someone because they're not totally committed to staying in the area for the rest of their lives. Plans and attitudes change, and you may end up with someone you care about enough that you are both willing to compromise a little bit.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:52 AM on June 12, 2008

follow-up from the OP

Ok, this is the OP. I think I wrote the question a little hastily, so I wanted to clear up a few things.

I don't see DC as a city of transient professionals - my family is deeply rooted in the District itself, and I plan to be here long-term as well (although i just moved back here) And trust me, I've avoided places like Adams Morgan, kickball leagues, networking happy hours, and the like. Things that are in are hanging out in more stable, established neighborhoods, getting to know *all* my neighbors, getting involved in local community efforts, and so on.

Also, I do want to be clear that I'm not looking for short-term flings - despite my best efforts, many people seem more interested in the short-term physical than the long-term emotional. I never intended to refer to women as 'ass'. When I said that, that was more a testament to the end result of many, more superficial relationships - and I often wasn't the one that pushed it in that direction either.

Lastly, there is an incredible middle ground between a fling and a permenant partner, and I didn't want to imply that I only saw one option or the other. However, with my best efforts towards working towards LTRs, I still end up with more flings than anything else.

But thanks so far! There are some good nuggets in some of the replies so far, and just knowing what some people's experiences are helps (MrMoonPie, thank you!)

posted by jessamyn at 10:54 AM on June 12, 2008

Are you sleeping with these women even though you know it's only going to be a short-term fling? If yes, stop. It may be a fun evening but it's a waste of your time and energy. Go out with a woman but don't sleep with her even if she initiates it. If you like her on non-sexual levels, ask her out again. If she's interested in more than just sex, she'll let you know. If you sleep with her right away, you'll never know if she's in it just for the sex.
posted by desjardins at 11:11 AM on June 12, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Stop hanging out in Adams-Morgan and Georgetown. The Hill and U-street are pushing it. Hang out in un-hip places.

Quit the kick-ball team. Join All Souls or St. John's Episcopal.

Go to lectures and obscure film screenings at the Library of Congress.

Read books in public rather than just standing around being seen.

Go to MeFi meetups and try to get introduced to their single friends.

It works. There are tons of great women in DC that are not "ass."
posted by Pollomacho at 12:57 PM on June 12, 2008

Yes, the best way to keep something from being a short-term fling is to remove it from the equation by keeping your pants on.
posted by sondrialiac at 12:58 PM on June 12, 2008

To follow up on my early post, try here and here and here and you can also try here and here

I've been to MD outdoor club and the DC ski club, and they both seemed like good non-pickupy places to meet people in their late twenties/early thirties.

I've heard good things about All Souls as a way to meet people, but I never went because I'm a confirmed Athiest.

The It's Just Lunch Group will vet girls for you and only select those who are interested in a LTR. The only problem is that it is expensive.

I was a girl in her late twenties in DC looking for an LTR five years ago and my wedding to the guy I met five years ago at DC single volunteers is in November. So don't despair!
posted by bananafish at 6:08 PM on June 12, 2008

You might try across the river. (Yeah, I know, the horror.) I've found that the vibe in DC is very different from VA, even within the Metro area. I don't want to over-generalize, but I do think there are a much higher percentage of people on the VA side who don't consider themselves transient or temporary. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new, since you're from the area.

I just think you might want to consider broadening your search, geographically. I know quite a few people who did the hip-and-trendy thing in DC for a few years, and then got tired of it and moved to Arlington/Alexandria/Fairfax right about at the same time they left the hookup scene and started looking for an LTR.
posted by Kadin2048 at 12:05 AM on June 13, 2008

I had another couple ideas for you, get involved in your community. The like minded women you will meet at community meetings or organizing farmers markets are guaranteed to be interested in bettering their present community, which means they aren't looking to just reap what they can from the DC scene and flee to the 'burbs or Chicago at the first sign of greener pastures.

Also, try getting up early in stead of staying out late. Go to Eastern Market at the crack of dawn and sit and drink your coffee and have breakfast outside at the Tortilla Cafe rather than sleeping off last night and then brunching. Go to the gym on Friday morning rather than out on Thursday night.
posted by Pollomacho at 4:34 AM on June 13, 2008

I was wary of anyone who worked for a non-profit of any kind. Yoga afficianados, out. No Congressional staffers, or lawyers, no one self employed. No one who recently quit a high-powered job and was now looking for a "work/life balance." No one who intended to leave DC, either
posted by MrMoonPie at 11:19 AM on June 12 [3 favorites +] [!]

Jeez, MrMoonPie, who did you date in DC then??

I could go on at length about my theories and assorted bitternesses about DC folk, but I won't. Instead, I'll say that you're probably just going through a dry spell -- this stuff doesn't happen instantaneously. You just need to keep on dating, and don't blame the city as much as the game.
posted by footnote at 7:03 PM on June 13, 2008